Friday Club | Balls To The Chops

30:11I don't think I can get on board with that. I don't think that's anywhere near. That's not touch scratch at its surface. No. Is it for how many? I presume for two adults and a ten-year-old and a five-year-old. What's your average? It's not going far, that. Fuck me, no, ain't it? I'd say our average order is 35 to 40. What, for a family of four? June doesn't eat much. I'm in for 19 quid, just on duck. Yeah. I've got my mother-half just on acrobatic. We'll get two meals and share it between the three of us. And obviously a push and chips. Yeah, I can't relate to that. That's me full. I'm happy. Remember that night when I went on a little, I think we must have been going somewhere.

30:54I went to that Tongue Fong on my own in Worsley. I stopped over. I think it was like 68 quid. And I were on my own and I only had a pint of Coke. It's expensive in there. It is expensive. Carry on, John boy. On the flight home, I had some pain in my testicle. Left one, to be precise. And by the time I got back home, it was a horrific sharp pain each time I sat down, stood up, moved my legs, etc. So I called 111 around 5pm and they asked to check it out. They told me to head to A &E, I went right away. I didn't think much would happen and I thought we were back within a couple of hours. At first I told my missus to order me a curry and I would eat it when back.

31:37I'm not getting into that either. I want it fresh. Yeah. But with the worry about my bollock, I just couldn't really think about food. So literally seconds later, I said, in fact, don't worry, just get yourself something. You can get something when he gets back, can't he? Yeah. She's got how much? Everything's all right, isn't it, I think? Yeah. She's got£17.25 to spend. She then said she would get Nando's instead, as it's her favourite. I said, OK, go for it. Her delivery app was playing up, so she asked me to order her food whilst in the waiting area of A &E and she would transfer the money.

32:14Surely he shouldn't be having to do that, should he? He's worrying, isn't he? He's got a fucking nakey left knacker. To put it bluntly, Nando's is a rip-off for an ordering on apps like Deliveroo and a very basic meal with delivery and fees came to£31. I told her this was a ridiculous amount to spend on one portion of chicken and chips. She sent me the money straight away so no issues there. Long story short, I had to visit two hospitals and eventually got home at 4am. Bollocky's okay, they think it was just a twist and corrected itself as I started feeling better by 8-9pm. So that's good news.

32:53Good news. Our kids get up at 8.30am and my missus gets up. About 30 seconds after getting up, she shouts up the stairs. Even though getting up to help me with the kids then, to which I said, I got back at 4am, I need sleep. Fair enough. What I got back was, I didn't get any sleep either. I couldn't sleep till you got back. I proceeded to get up and tell her she was selfish for expecting me to get up with her and the kids on about four hours sleep. Agree? Yes. Yeah. I think it's compromise, isn't it? I agree with him. Yeah. And she will have had a snooze, won't she? She's not been sat up waiting.

33:33Till Father's Day-ish. Yeah. I wouldn't mind, but our kids are very low-maintenance anyway, All they needed was some cereal chucked in a bowl and then help the five-year-old get dressed after brushing her teeth. We had a fallout as she didn't think she was being selfish. No, I'm with him on that one. Sunday evening, I couldn't help but think about my takeaway. My wife is pretty health conscious so knew she wouldn't have another one. I was thinking of having a KFC box meal and asked my wife if she could treat me to one and I didn't get my takeaway the night before. I got back, but I did ask if you wanted anything and you said no.

34:09I can't buy anything else that that Nando's cost me 31 quid. Oh, so she splurged on herself? Long story short, I've been told that I'm not getting my Father's Day takeaway treat and her and from her and had to buy something for myself. I told her she was selfish again and we've argued about it on and off for a week. She even went on the attack and said, if you want selfish, I'll give you selfish. and has asked me a few times if I meant it. I absolutely did, as I believe she was selfish on those two occasions and she will not back down, does not apologise and doesn't think she's done anything wrong in either of these situations.

34:52Over one week later now, and I've generally been thinking about this a lot. He's hungry, isn't he? I don't mean to sound like a grammar queen, but I've been questioning her whole relationship and how nice a person she is or isn't. What are your thoughts? fucking hell so to cut it all down he said he'll get some up for his take away she's on the 31 of the 35 he's for oh I'll get one tomorrow night because it's father's day she's fucked him off said no I've I've already spent the 31 of the 35 and then he's had four hours kip and she's expecting him to get up and help with the kids after being in hospital for 10 12 hours we need to be careful with this because this could cause a proper fucking relationship I do think she's out of order but I think questioning the whole relationship is a little too far although it might be an amalgamation of other stuff where she's not that considerate see I don't think if you want to have a takeaway you can't put a figure on it just order what you want especially for Father's Day you can't go I'll get you some but we've got a budget of you know stuff like that I mean what's a starter a starter's 7 quid in Indian innit your average starter's 7 quid so you've got your you've got your poppadoms and your pickle tray so you're talking 7 quid there 4 for 4 poppadoms and pickle tray right then you've got your I don't know your mixed kebab starter so 14's gone to the 35 you've only got 21 left yeah yeah but so what's the meal so much because yeah but he wants a bargain bucket by the way how much is a bargain bucket these days it depends on how big you go how many pieces of chicken in could could if she put a tenner towards it would you get a good I'm just trying to think of a bit of a compromise from her just get a there's a tenner get a bargain bucket I reckon you get four pieces and chips and a drink for a tenner gravy BV 150s.

37:04Yeah. You might have dip in his pocket for a tub of wine. Yeah. So, I'm just going through the Indian order still. So, an Indian meal is what? 12 quid? Yeah. So, 12, two sevens. That's 26. Then you've got a wrap. That's for one meal. So, then you've got her meal. Yeah. So, 26. You're in for 30, 38. You've already gone off your budget. You ain't gotten a fucking rice yet. You ain't even got a nan between you. No, no. Back to the email. His main issue is that she hasn't gotten a Father's Day meal. Yeah. Said that she's had an Ando's, which I think is selfish. Oh, I see. It's very selfish. But I do think it's a bit of a storm in a teacup because it's not the end of the world, is it?

37:58But you're right, Chris. It might be a knock on. and she might have that bit of a locker. Incidents like this have happened before. And it can rile you. Once something's inside, you know, like tightness. Yeah. Selfishness. So, yeah, I mean, if I get in at one o 'clock from a dinner, I'm not expected to get up with kids next morning. Yeah. Or get up early next morning. I think that was poor. If she's been in bed from nine, she's had four hours before I get in. And vice versa. If she'd been out and I'd not been out, I wouldn't say, are you looking out with kids or what? That's just fucking toe of the line, isn't it?

38:43Well, it's just a nice gesture from her, isn't it? Knowing that he's been in hospital. I'd like to think that if it was me, then I'd be like, don't worry, have a lie and I'll sell kids out. But I'd piss me off. I'd be pissed off with that. Especially if the kids are low maintenance as well. It feels like she's doing it just to be... Just to go at it. Yeah. Just give it a little twist. I don't know if they've got a joint account or not, right? But this is where I'm quite petting me. So if they've got a joint account, right? I'd order my KFC on the joint account, right? And I'd order 30 pieces of chicken, right?

39:21And just have a bite out of water and just chuck it over my head. You know what I mean? There you go, split ass. One bite at chip and then discard it. You know what I mean? Two can play that game, Chrissie. I'm assuming they haven't got a joint account, though, if he's asking that. Yeah. Come on. There's more to life than flipping KF's question in Malaysia, chips, there's kids involved in that, Jesus. I think maybe just have a chat with her and tell her she needs to be a bit more... It feels like she's not being very considerate towards you. I think you've been out of order and then it's like sound.

39:52But the question for the court is, is she out of order? yes 100 % on both I think is he overreacting slightly slightly yeah yeah I'd agree though it's a conversation that needs to be held sentence because she needs to be punished if she's been out of order slip a card out go and get her bucket what on her card fuck they've gone down thieving room I would say next time she asks me to order her Nando's tell her to fucking shove it up her arse I think that's taking the piss, isn't it? Spending all of the budget. Spending it all on herself? Like,£4 left? £31. What do you get for that? Did you get to spend the£4?

40:36Well, what can you get for it? You can only have a pickle tray. That would be taking the piss, wouldn't it? If she gives him the£4. Yeah. Put that towards it. Tesco, go and get a meal deal. Yeah. I think she has been selfish on both counts, mate. I don't think you've been a knob, but maybe just let go after a week. You know what I mean? There's bigger fish to fry, isn't there? She's scrimping and scraping on Father's Day. You know what I mean? Ah, there's your punishment. Mother's Day. Mother's Day. Just totally ignore it. No card, no flowers, no present, nothing. Yeah. There's your... Yeah. When is Mother's Day?

41:13March. Yeah. It's a long drone out of there. It's going to bubble for some time. Yeah, but that's the punishment. Or book a restaurant for Mother's Day and then concoct something whereby she gets an emergency phone call. She's got to go somewhere. I don't know, speak to a colleague or something. She's got to go to work and then he goes and have a meal for one. On his own, spends the budget. It's not one of these bad ideas, this, isn't it? You need somebody from work involved. You need a partner in crime. I'm just waiting for the Mrs. Doubtfire one to come out. The old faithful. Maybe go with that.

41:51Maybe go out for a meal on your own for Mother's Day. Yeah. I can't get on board with that, man. Eh? Talking a petty. I can be quite childish at times, Chris. Have you got one there, Chrissy boy? I have. I've got two here in relation to words for fannies. First one, the pork puss. All right, lads. Thought I'd mix it up a bit. The show's shite and you're all arseholes. That's better. Fair enough. Just listened to last week's episode where the fellow was on about the best name for the female anatomy and some of the suggestions put forward for ranking didn't make sense for me. This is a wider subject and has to be divided into four categories.

42:37The name of the vagina, the state of the vagina, the state of the female owning the vagina and a metaphor for the experience with the vagina. So there are his four categories that he's putting forward. I like this. For example, pork pus, fanny, minge, snatch, etc. are in the names category. The state of the vagina is where phrases are heard such as fanny like a punch lasagna, I think you said drop lasagna last week, or fanny like a badly wrapped kebab, or one of my personal favourites from Brownie, fanny like a badger with a slit throat. You'll take a bit of praise on that one. Yeah, couch is still my favourite.

43:19First couch. The state of the female owning the vagina category is for phrases like being rogered more times than a copper's radio or seeing more pricks than a pincushion. Right. More pokes than a fireplace. Any others? Stevie Wonder's big toe. Stub more time than Stevie Wonder's big toe. Yeah. The final category regarding the metaphor for the experience of getting your end away is for phrases like it'll be like opening a window and shagging the night. I like that one. Or chucking a cocktail sausage down the channel tunnel. Hope you find this useful. Looking forward to hearing you debate the categories and declaring your favourite phrase for each.

44:03Also, in case my sarcasm was lost at the start, the show isn't shy. You boys have a far bigger impact on lads and lassies and their mental wellbeing than you're probably ever going to realise. Definitely are arseholes, though. You could have blah, blah, blahed that one, but we'll take it. He's like, gives him one and texts him the other, doesn't he, bless him? But off the back of that, before we get into it, another one, the Fanny Song. And I've got the song and I've listened to it and I think it's worth a play. All right, lads. This will cheer anybody up who's feeling a bit down. I'm sure Parkey in particular will piss himself, so hopefully it'll get played.

44:43I've been meaning to send this every time. I've heard chat on Friday Club about the different names for the Jack and Danny. What's Jack and Danny? Fanny This is actually a song from an old school friend of my missus Who made the song for charity a few years ago It's called The Fanny Song And I'm going to play it Right, you ready? Shout out to Bryony Kimmings Who is the artist of this song Artist This is Bryony Kimmings And this is The Fanny Song

45:16Pick out your favourite from the song

45:21Your vagina, your Mary, your fanny, your fairy, your hot little foo-foo, your minge pussy noonoo, your patty, your puppy, your hoo-ha, your snatch, your mare-mare, your front bum, your hairy wet guatch, your fuzzer, your gina, your hotbox, your flower, your flange, your parking space, your growler, tunnel to the womb, the coochie, the poon, your flange, lady garden, your muff silk drapes, squirter, furburger and your cunt cake. It's a burger, I love it.

46:17See, I can't remember I can't remember Mackerel in a fur coat Yeah, that's Pear pie Chew back at bits and pieces Come, jar, you clunge Your birth canal Fucking and palace Dumpster Cock, catch your camel toe Knob, gobble a sloppy joe Come, box, strawberry split Cat, where's his throat slip? Watch out, quim I'm about to come in The money maker, stink box Sperm bank, dead fox Oodah supple Secret velvet curtains And bucket When we see fur pie Will we just have to Fuck it? Stink box, you're bad at the link. Oh, Conja.

47:14Now, is anyone here up for eating my seafood sandwich later? Oh. No? Nobody up for a little bit of clunge? Clunge, bad. Tiny piece of gunt.

47:31Impressed? I think she might have noticed it. But I feel like you've got to just take the time to break them down to remember them. They're coming quick and fast, aren't they? Cockpit. I went in the cockpit. Downstairs neighbours. That's nice, isn't it? she must have reeled off 250 there 200 I think someone at Bangers and Mass was made up just to fit in with the song I think yeah have you heard of it called Bangers and Mass yeah Gash because it's copyrighted for Gash yeah it must be I like Downstairs Neighbour I've got an issue with the Downstairs Neighbour but a macro than a fur coat I can't believe it never made it to number one oh she made some money for charity out of it yet yeah who gives her a push are we giving it a push a big plug yeah I mean, it was two years ago.

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50:11We've bumped into a few emailers, haven't we, in the live shows? Unbelievable. Brilliant, isn't it? How many people have come to the show? It's great to put a face to the email. My favourite's been Barry. We met Barry. The Barry. The Barry. The original Barry. Was he the second Barry? Barry the second. He was the guy who didn't have the hand sanitizer when he went to the toilet and had to borrow some fairy liquid. Yes. Lovely lad. I will tell you what, I did meet on Friday night at Doncaster. The couple with the lesbian, when he's turned her back. Oh, we recorded a follow-up to that, didn't we?

50:55Can we play it now? We'll play it now, yeah, because it's from a previous episode. It wouldn't fit in, so it can go in this way. All right. right i've got one here and it's a female follow-on from i've done the impossible which we had oh few weeks ago when he when he turned the girl at work yes yeah i wasn't worried about his because was she not his boss or i ran to the company i thought we were all gonna all loads of bollocks were gonna kick off and they were having a squeeze in the photocopier and you We were worried that we might split them up. That's the one. So I've got, hi, lads, female listener here.

51:34She's obviously a listener. You know the drill, blah, blah, blah. To be fair, she's actually put in the title female listener. So she's obviously a listener. Ah, right, yeah. That's a good point. That's a good point. So my boyfriend got me hooked on the podcast. And when you guys read his email out last week, it was sensational because it was risky wasn't it because didn't that I wonder if she knows that he's emailing yeah wasn't he on holiday with her because we got the picture didn't we yeah but he wasn't I weren't sure if she knew by the way right I'm not a bad I'm not a bad creep rifling the back out of the boss a phrase he loves to throw around but did I did I think he'd actually write it did I fuck I nearly had to ring 999 for emergency jaw retrieval.

52:30The shock nearly sent me into early labour. But once I recovered, I was in absolute bits. Now, let me tell you about this man. Absolute determination. A man possessed peak persistence levels. From the small things, like convincing me this podcast is life-changing, which, fair play, it is. Determination indeed. Indeed. Mullsitter, maybe. Am I right in saying that he'd had a few struggles and got through, didn't he? Which I'm assuming she's alluding to. Yes. To somehow making me fall head over heels and turning me, as he says. Rewind to Friday. I'm driving to work, half listening under the cosh, saving the rest for later, standard routine.

53:17But this Friday, this Friday came with main character energy. I stroll into work, emotions flying everywhere. Shout out to pregnancy hormones for ruining the show. It says running the show. So yeah, it could be both. Both? Yeah. Go hand in hand. And before I can stop myself, boom. I announce to my manager that I'm pregnant. 15 weeks deep and my belly making a bid for public acknowledgement. I wonder if she normally uses that terminology. Deep. 15 deep. Yeah. 15 weeks in. 15D she's speaking to the lads she's getting right involved then in a moment of sheer chaotic bravery I go full throttle not only am I growing a human but plot twist it's with the love of my life who works here too so she's revealed all they are buggers they've all gone they've made you all so much ruin the show and run the show it turns out best decision ever my manager's reaction already had my suspicions he says, congratulations I couldn't be happy for you both I bet there were whispers going round the office he's not going to air off she's in the fanny she likes a sausage deep down she likes liquor to be but I wonder if it's the third time in the last hour she's just been in for a new market from storage cupboard because it will happen won't it whispers I wonder if the people at the company knew she were a lesbian before he started there.

54:50Yeah, you're right. You know, because that is a... You wouldn't normally think it, would you? No. You know, the whispers and that. You just think, oh, he's just a lesbian, Leanne's boyfriend. Yeah. Like, friend who's a boy. Yeah, friend who's a boy. No, not Leanne. No, Leanne. Leanne, she's a canoe licker. She's like... She likes getting a nosey axe wound. I'll continue. you so as you can imagine big smiles for the rest of the day not as bad as I thought still got my job miraculously. Mackerel for your dinner again Leanne not in a fur coat this time. End of the day I go to meet up with my amazing boyfriend at our spot to catch up while waiting I stick on the remain in a Friday club and suddenly I hear I'm currently sat in Turkey with the other half my soul left my body not even joking I think I momentarily blacked out very dramatic just with them hormones can I just get this right so she told the boss and then went listening to the episode so she's done all this prior to hearing I'd advise I ring him to say hurry up where are you have you listened to Friday Club yet he responded no I'm nearly there I said what's your title he said I've done the impossible I remember I wrote it in Turkey what's your title title of the email alright mister master I effing knew it he told me he sent an email when we were in Turkey but as the weeks passed I thought no chance it will be read out but I was so fucking wrong ha ha ha ha that was actually she's also got a cynical side also a bomb villain we sat together listening laughing and crying with happiness work stress vanished and our story unfolding on our favourite podcast what a Friday to remember honestly this man has worked overtime to win me over and now here we are happier than ever baby on the way Doncaster ticket secured ready to celebrate his birthday with you lot meant to be you tell me rhymes that it's poet as well JP she didn't even know it JP Brownie and Chris you are legends in capitals that's them all once again obviously it's been all carried away this podcast is not just entertainment it's a way of life under the cosh forever see you all on the on Friday the 27th keep up the brilliant work and constant laughs PS party give her my track record there's definitely a shot at a three ball with another Doris any takers give us a shout please keep me anonymous well well well that is that is what a story I wait about say you on this you meet you're at work there's a girl you think oh she's fit and she's a lesbian are you chanting your arm I'm thinking I need snookers yeah I'm not I don't think I'm in a go though aren't you do you know what Chris I don't think I don't think I think I'd be that much actually it's unattainable yeah yeah that's what I think I won't think on I'll try and change her I just think yeah she's fair I'll just look at every two or three minutes there can't be a medication she needs like what cock try cocks again I bet there's some pressure on his fucking to be licking game though yeah and judge windering bring them on won't she guide them what was what she wants yeah perfect that's what i do you think though does that make a difference what the oral sex yeah but couldn't any woman do that maybe yeah still pretty much the same tongue in it just on a female body i know but women have got a softer touch i think there'd be more i know what you mean because she's had experience given yeah yeah I think I think the lesbians would have more advice to give on the fingerblast him right nothing yeah maybe that we just fucking wang them up that we just wang them in don't we speak for yourself i've seen you that's it

59:22well yeah bowling ball yeah what we want looking at a glitter like so jim duggan in it oh all you need to do is pretend you're dismantling a wardrobe with a saw and an hammer Spock what's Spock is that Spock oh she's got two up the fucking Gary Glitter that's ambitious that is ambitious I think I'd clamp up in me hand for Spock in there was one that I saw regarding the live show and the fella in the you mentioned the lad in the bin bag yeah just one second oh we've had an invite by the way Why are you looking? We've had a few. Hi lads, blah blah blah and that. Heard on last Friday, you're looking to get to some weddings this year.

1:00:16Like an holiday. Oh look at you, heard you looking to get some weddings this year. Great, me and the missus are getting married 8th of August in Manchester. Both massive fans of the pod. Never emailed in before, so probably doesn't count. But we'll gladly have you at our evening do. sadly I haven't got a hog roast sorry John but see you on the 8th of August lads what a pleasure it would be to have you if interested let me know and I'll send the details failing that we'll see you in Stoke for the live show in September it's when did I say 8th of August you're away aren't you I go away on 10th shall we hold the fort I think I go away on 10th are we really

1:01:00are we serious comp contemplating going to a wedding. We should go to a wedding. We should go to one of them. Yeah, I think we should make a thing of it. Good looking couple as well. I don't know if you've seen the photo. Have they? Yeah. Have a look. I don't know if we can all go. I know, but do we want to, I don't mean this to sound like knobhead-ishy, but we don't want to go and like take over, do we, and be like the... Do you know what I mean? Sound like a knobhead there. Yeah, but you know what I mean though, don't you? It's like their day, isn't it? Yeah, no, just go and have a good party, John.

1:01:30You don't have to make it about yourself. No, but you know what I mean. I understand what you mean, because I think my natural behaviour at a wedding of somebody I know is on the dance floor, having a good time. And if you're at somebody's wedding, I'd like to just approach it like I approach any other wedding. But if you have just been invited, you'll always be that niggling feeling that you're stealing the limelight. Yeah, that's what I mean. I didn't mean it to sound like... I don't know what you both mean. Just go and if the good song comes up, just get on the dance floor. So he's dancing on top of speakers.

1:02:07Oh, that's that prick from under the couch. I want dance floor in my shirt. I'll swing it around my head, between my legs like this. That's like my bed for under the couch. But you're just being yourself, John. Yeah. You're just being yourself. You'll get that piss where you've got two drinks and you're going to put into people at dance floor. Yeah, we're at Bridesmaids. Oh, it's that no end from under the couch. Needless. Where's our Sandra going? And, oh, she's just upstairs with that big nose bump from under the couch. Yeah, well, that's just enjoying yourself, isn't it? All right, lads. I typed this last week, but did not have the bollocks to send it.

1:02:42However, after attending last week's Leeds gig, the evening one, then you'll all mention our mate as the bin bag man. Yeah, with a poncho bin bag. I felt it necessary to correct the description and also assign I should send the story below. In terms of big bang, it's a tough one to say that, you know. Bin bag man. Just to confirm the pictures attached, the gag started firmly at the first pub we met that afternoon. I played football with BBM and I've only just reconnected due to our sons now playing for the same team. Anyhow, after two or three nights without the kids, The BBM has managed to spill drinks over everyone near and closest to us and gained a reputation as a leaky weapon.

1:03:29Anyhow, prior to our evening with the kosh, he brought along protection, image attached, as a practical joke. As he ran to meet the kosh on the dance floor, I threw him the article and the rest is podcast history. Ah, so I like it. So the man in the bin bag man, has he spilt his drinks over everybody the time before? Since they reconnected, he's had a few nights out with him. So for a bit of crack, he's brought... A bin bag. Yeah, and a full waterproof poncho. Feel free to blah, blah, blah. But the only thing I would add, we were lucky enough to meet Parking Brownie after the gig and the time you both took for a chat blew our minds away.

1:04:09Please keep up the good work and fuck the corporate podcasts. Anyhow, here is my proper cosh story I typed. And there is no way I would be sending normally, but your bin bag comments made me chuckle. Anonymous, please. Those who know, will know. Long time listener, first time emailer, blah blah fucking blah. It's 2016 and I'm at Leeds Festival. 16 and a virgin. Desperate to lose my V-wings before turning 17. My birthday falls on the Saturday night of the main event. Me and alongside 10 pals are camped right next to the Duracell tent. The busiest, maddest part of the whole arena. Naively, we thought, guaranteed a shag.

1:04:53That's where the techno is. So that's a thing. Late night stuff. Is that the official name of it, or is it just gone, that's where it's all gone off? It's just going all night. Do you know why I generally fall then? I thought that was like, everybody went to get their phones charged. That's why it's so busy. Everybody's going to get their phones charged. There are better places to rest, but thought attached to the main dance tent would be a good start. Cue the big night, and my last day as a 16 year old. Jamie T, LCD sound system, klaxons. The lot, but still no success. What's that, are they bands?

1:05:26Are they DJs? So he's had a full day, he's watched all the bands and everything and he's been trying his luck. It's the last chance as we're back to the Duracell tent and I'm giving it my best graft. Chat was flowing like warm cider, but absolutely no luck. One by one, lads start pulling and I'm left walking solo back to my V-Wings tent. Do you know these festivals? Do people go for shagging? The hygiene can't be good. That's probably another topic. That is tuna canoes. Yeah, if you're out drinking and having a laugh and then you end up pulling, you're going back to the canvas, aren't you? I think festival fanny's up there with aeroplane fanny.

1:06:06Sweaty, clammy. I think it could be worse. Yeah, it probably is. Especially around day three, yeah. No shower, not even a splash. so he's heading back mentally preparing for another year of virgin banter from the lads but here's where it gets spicy he says unbeknownst to me one of my mates who was not camping with us but had a few cans with us earlier managed to get lucky in the duracell tent mid stumble and in full festival chaos mode he remembered where my tent was much nearer than his and much he decided it was perfect for sealing the deal so he's nicked the bird and he's going to go in his mate's tent because it's closer.

1:06:48Now, I'm lying there thinking someone's about to rob me. Zip rips open. I brace myself and in stumble this absolute Geordie rocket. No questions, no confusion. Straight in, game on. Top off, pants off and legs like Lamborghini dogs. Do me now, she says. To him? Mm-hmm. So, where's his mate? I don't know. I honestly can't tell you. He must be as he brought her and her mate back. I don't know. I'll carry on. Unsure what has gone on, and with hours to go from being a 17-year-old virgin, I dive right in. I'm halfway through the action before I even realise what's happened, and I hear my mate outside the tent, coming back from her piss, yelling, oh for fuck's sake oh so right he's come back with the with the Geordie Rocket he said here we are tent's here and he's gone for a piss so he's had to go to the piss cubicle he's done he's done a Tony Dorigo he's gone for a piss she's gone in the tent not he's in the but she must have known he's gone for a piss then she's come in and fucking cloth straight or so she's just really wanting it anyway apparently all he could hear was the slapping of my balls but also admiration in his voice as to my achievement Anyway, he left us to it Fair play and although it was technically after midnight I'm 100 % counting that as losing my V-wings just in time To top it off, we got talking in the morning and she was 31 Back to school the next week with the new nickname Dirty 30 Yeah, he can claim that, can't he?

1:08:34So that is some 50 present, that, isn't it? His mates fetched him back he was 16 and she was 30 31 31 you know like if you're the lad who's come back said I'm just going to knit for a quick piss and come back and heard the ball smashing and that are you furious he's the real hero of this story really I think he would have been furious had it not been a mate who he knows has been trying his hardest wanted to get over the finish line before 12 bells And is it the risky take, taking them back to another rival's tent? Rivals? That's what, imagine being a virgin and a Geordie rocket walks in. I like the Lamborghini Doors terminology.

1:09:24Yeah. I tell you what, he's done very, very well for him, his pal. Exceptionally well. Like in debt, the only way that he can really pay his debt off is by saving his life somehow. Yeah. what I mean like getting him a couple of pints it doesn't cut it does it because it's a big thing isn't it losing your virginity and he's just been handed it on a plate like a tap in from a yard and she's been she's been good at what she's done as well so it's yeah I mean she's the type of character that she is has just played into the scenario perfectly hasn't it because she's obviously she wasn't bothered waste waste up good lasses them Geordies I'm thinking about my when I lost mine I don't think there was much ball slapping on mine I was terrible what was the location?

1:10:13somebody's house in fact in the caravan drive

1:10:23I lost it like Tyson Fury I was travelling what was your location? it was a girlfriend and it was at her house but I think we might have spoken about it but I just remember feeling like it was an anti-climax the whole thing oh yeah people talk about sex and how good it was and that was shit you ever look at your own performance yeah terrible but I improved quickly might not surprise you outdoors my first yeah go out yeah had your 18 yard box in a local football field I'm thinking about making it inside the box I wonder if when you score from outside I wonder if dry humping's still a thing you ever get partaken then that doesn't count though does it it definitely doesn't count but it was a good it was like the hybrid in between soft plate and thingy you're kind of like oh yeah I don't know what that noise was did you ever ejaculate what I was dry humping did you yeah I did when you said outside then Sticky underpants.

1:11:30What was it outside? With said girlfriend? Oh, no, that's another story. I like it when your confessions come out. Get them out. Nah. In a caravan, mate. Yeah, we were camping, you know, and there's a few. Was it her first time as well? I think so, yeah. That's another one. This is what he does, isn't he? He doesn't know the answer, so he just half-makes it up. No, but I'm assuming so. It was never discussed. It wasn't. Oh, she was well experienced. Also, even more disappointed. Have I said about when my first kiss spread like wildfire that I kissed like a fish? Have I said that on here? I don't know, but carry on.

1:12:16Terrible. She was an experienced kisser. It was a Friday night, and then I come into school on the Friday, and people were just walking past laughing at us. like nudging each other what the fuck's going on there so you kiss Friday night school Monday morning oh wildfire rumors that I kiss like brownie kisses like a fish devastated did you go tong? I think I was teethy I've had one of them before a toothy one but if you opt to a teethy I don't know what I was like I didn't fucking think alright but yeah that was a bad and I think I just had to go on the defensive and go well she was shite as well you know what she's doing she would crack right gents the clock is a ticking I think that's us for this episode the clock is a ticking yeah it's getting a bit late we've run out of time wrap it up then shall we yeah any business no business oh no Wolves were last night yeah Stork sold out is it I'm excited for that you know I'm DJing I've already started putting some bit of a track list together what will we sign up for half an hour a piece yeah four meatloaf songs job done yeah people don't like it they can go to a bar and that it'd be good Sheffield show have we got confirmation on that we've got confirmation on the date yeah tickets will be on sale very very soon another Leeds one's coming up as well yeah in either October or November we've got seven or eight more shows to confirm next week north west we're going north west aren't we going north west People have been pleading for us.

1:13:54Yeah, and we've got a couple potentially down south. It's out of order that we've never done one in Preston, really, isn't it? Yeah, Preston on the cards. Blackburn on the cards. Oh, I'm looking forward to that one. I am away that night, actually. Blackburn, looking forward to that. If you could get some archives, Matty, the big stuff at Blackburn. Oh, like highlights. Missed chances and stuff. Right, if you want to send it, we've not given an email address for a while. Friday Club at underthecosh.co.uk Thanks for the memories, lads. Thanks for the memories. Over and out. Up the cosh.

1:14:34Hey, hey, it's the Friday Club The weekend's here, get in that pub It's Friday Club, Bing Bang Vosch With all of your favourites from under the cuss So if you want to share a story or relive a form of glory Futter the wheat or clapping them cheeks Maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank It's all here on the Friday Club

1:15:00It's all here on the Friday Club!

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