Friday Club | Bodies In The Park

31:15Took the bastards three years to actually tell me, though. Up the cosh. Different ending to what I thought But you know if you Find this big dildo and it's your mate's mum You're having to play a part With it aren't you You're coming out aren't you with it How bad does she feel How bad does he feel You know getting chased round his own house With a big flat willy Did he say that He mentioned it to his mum Never said What would you do what would you say no the lads have found yeah the lads have found your tackle at 10 and 11 you might be a bit like that I thought else I'll do it I'll see that big willy in you in your wardrobe mom what's this why have you got a big willy in your wardrobe see I think I'm going more with that I'm I'm moving the I'm not putting it back where it were oh you're starting to flip I'm putting it in her top drawer.

32:13She's going in for her lipstick and she opens it. Is this if you're the friend or if it's your mum's? Friend. And we are, put it back then, mate. And then putting it in top drawer. So she opens it up, she's getting a lipstick out and she sees it and she's like, I'm sure to fuck I left that in the wardrobe. I'll tell you where I'm putting it. How's it gone from the wardrobe to it? I'm putting it in my mate's drawer. You know when she comes putting his clothes back after folding them. you're still in the dick phase yeah I tell you he's full of wanker him just moments maybe putting something on the end of it oh no just she opens it and like why is that in here why is that yeah what has he been doing with that yeah I don't like I don't like the the gum tree thing though you know like just putting mad one of the lads in the gym in does he wear a top yeah it's not a half rap but he he stitches his missus up all the time if she's going on holiday he'll put dildos in her luggage yeah that's a good one that's a good one and the other day he rang his mate up and said the toilet's fucked so his mate's a what them plumber yeah his mate's a big plunger so he came out just come flying and sticks his head in boom yeah it's all clear the toilet wasn't flushing so he's had everything his seat all kinds and he's lifted the lid off and he put one of our dildos down the thing what in the cistern done all this on Instagram you know filming an unravel like sorry mate the plumber mate's just stood there like no wonder it's fucking blocked a big fucking cocked isn't it a good in your missus hand luggage yeah and then you've got to put something else in there though that warrants the luggage to be opened yeah maybe 200ml and I think they were going away for the week and she'd said that her family could come up and stay and before they went away he plastered all of her sex toys around the bedroom that's where her family's coming it's a bit left on the bedside yeah that's outrageous I think it's incredible.

34:40Yeah, that is good crack, that. Stuck it on his mate's car the other day. So he stuck it on the back and he's drove home all the way back. How many she got? He's not going out with Ann Summers, is he? It's a class crack, though, it is. Yeah, I've got a lot of time for that sort of stuff. But yeah, you've got to be, we're kids. You've got to be careful. Yeah, it needs to be almost safe. Lock and key. what would be the worst thing to find?

35:12Gimp mask

35:21Gimp mask got me up there, hasn't it? I reckon more stuff to do with your dad than your mum is worse Do you think? Yeah Can you imagine if you found a gimp mask with an eight ball and a butt plug? Oh, you mean stuff getting done to your dad? Yeah, like... Oh, I thought you meant just like... You found a box of your dad's toys. Oh, right. That's worse than... Right, yeah. Oh, hi. Now you've thought about it. A big black wobbly butt plug. Oh, yeah. I did see something... You know when you always say I can never do anything because the kids are in the house? There was a video on and it explained the best way to go about it.

36:00Hide and seek. The two kids were playing computer games downstairs and the mam's just shouted down. When you've got another 10 minutes and then you're coming up and you're tidying your bedroom, you're cleaning the toilet, put your clothes away. And then they just sneak off and have a bash. That's a good idea, that. I might implement that one.

36:26Kayak gets my flight, hotel and rental car right. So I can tune out travel advice that's just plain wrong. Bro, Skycoin. Way better than points. Never fly during a Scorpio full moon. Just tell the manager you'll sue. Instant room upgrade. Stop taking bad travel advice. Start comparing hundreds of sites with Kayak and get your trip right. Bad advice? You talking to me? Kayak. Got that right. Hi chaps, please keep me anonymous. Another one. This story goes back to the best days of my life. It all started in the mid-90s. I was about 16. The days of drinking in parks with your mates and trying to trap anything with a pulse.

37:14Traps a bit seedy, isn't it? Yeah, trap very seedy, but 16 in park. Yeah, good days. You're happily a bit of finger pie, aren't you? Were you a drinker in the parks? Yeah. Cans? Yeah, but I had to save up. Wine? Cider. Cider. yeah white lightning white lightning i couldn't drink it so if i didn't have enough money for i think it were eight cans for four quid then if i didn't have enough money for eight cans i used to save it for a week after i'd miss a week i didn't put myself outside the gate and i was the shop go i was the one who could get served hairy beard i'm bald but at 16 you're happy with going home with smelly fingers aren't you yes and they're like I'm just sniffing them on my way home it's like American Pie and that's like that's the top end of your achievement in it the finger all you want in life at like that age is oh do you mind me about that party I mean a kiss is a result and then obviously forward from that point but that's that's your sole focus have we spoken about a finger and being a dying heart yeah I think I think it's coming back is it coming back It always goes around in circles That's one of my best attributes Yeah Yeah Yeah get that in G-Rock You said this about Missed that in G-Rock Not worse though I'm trying to combat I'm up there I don't know if they've got a Just put a tight pair of jeans on it It's really hard to get Yeah Especially with a belt Yeah Just put some leggings on Yeah Oh yeah Have you got that far in it With a pair of jeans It was like, oh, it's almost a spanner in the works.

38:56In terms of clothing, what would be the best? What was always a... A skirt. Short skirt. No knickers. No matter if it's December, January. Just fucking put a scarf on, love. Keep warm. One frosty January evening, I thought... Straight back to it, lads, we're not messing about. I thought I'd hit the jackpot. I'd met up with me mates and we got an older pal to buy the ale. numerous ciders and hoochers oh yeah he's going back isn't it he got the they had to stop putting the cartoon characters on he got banned because it was appealing to kids kids too much interesting fact the night started as these nights usually did drinking telling stupid jokes and ripping the piss out of each other I had just cracked open my eighth can of John Smith's John Smith's fucking hell at 16 I thought you were a little bit shocked You'd raided your dad's cupboard I bet he's got a rake fucking belly on him now If he's in eight cans of John Smith's at 16 He's got a rake shock John Smith's?

40:04That's how we're in I'm just trying to think of what character he would be in the group Drinking John Smith's at 16 I reckon talking He sounded like an old man But shagged, sexually active Experienced Always drinking John Smith's He must be a good shagger Is Stevie going to the shop? Is that a fag? No, I'm alright mate, I've got my coffee cremes here. Wood binds. I've got my hamlet here.

40:32Just take it, whip it for a walk and then I'll see you down at the park. John Smith has absolutely done me here. He doesn't say he's from South Yorkshire, does he? Whip it, whip it down at the park. It worked though, it suited the situation I think. He says he was feeling properly fuzzy. He's gone out in a tweed jacket. Or a bag of drum. Like everybody else is nicking fags off the mum and dad. And he's got a bag of drum. He's just rolling like a fucking Snoop Dogg. I don't think I've ever seen a kid drink John Smith's in a park. Have you? In fact, I've pissed me pants.

41:17I've been the worst. I've seen special brew. No, I haven't. I said special brew, but only because two of them and you're cheap. Yeah, I think we got special brew one night. Passing it round, sipping, thinking we're all going to be hammered.

41:33He's got glasses. In my head, he's got glasses. Glasses. Again, facial hair. He's more advanced. Developed. Farmer's cheeks, I'm imagining. You know, the rosy ones. As the night drew to a close, I was staggering home when I bumped into an older girl from school. probably a 6.5 when you're pissed but a 3.5 when sober strong like John Smith she wasn't the greatest looker but I'd heard on the grapevine that she enjoyed burping the worm now that is a new one I think we've had that before you know I've never heard that I reckon that's a regional thing that's a mature one and was up for a laugh we got chatting and I was in I panicked and took her to the nearest place I could think of A school cricket pavilion As we started with the heavy petting A security light came on We both shit ourselves And quickly moved towards the cricket wicket Which was cordoned off with that high orange plastic That's the stuff that goes round It was perfect Dark, enclosed And offering a little bit of privacy There's going to be a little bit of dew on there It's January frosty yeah it's jewish not jewish religious but a lot of jew jews don't like john smiths she lay on her back and hurriedly pulled down her jeans and knickers to her knees i wedged myself in between and thought i would break my virginity with a tongue tease hold on a minute he's performing oral sex mid-january on a cricket wicket eight pints of fucking john smiths this this guy's my hero has she got her pants down to a knee so has he gone under the the gene she's still got him on no no the the yeah the jeans are off but the knickers around her knees around her thingies he's still got to go up and under so she's got him in like a backwards headlock right another another foot and she slipped him off yeah she might as well take them all off Just take him off one leg In experience As I went to part her lady lips What happened next Has scarred me for life Lady lips Oh he's gone again here I don't like this She's on her back He's maybe got a frosty chin He's got a cold chin On his beard

44:05As her chum bucket parted Oh come on We're going to need a bigger boat.

44:16Some buckets got me. I was trying to keep it composed. Chum bucket. Like Jaws. There was a crack, like breaking a Kit Kat. A crack? And a smell that can only be described as a kipper's fanny stuffed with gone off dog food. God bless you. I tried to retreat by doing the reverse worm. Got caught in the knickers. But I couldn't. As I was trapped under her jeans. Yeah, he's all right. She's still got the jeans on. He's trapped, the poor lad. He's trapped. She knows what she's doing. She knows she's got a stinky fanny. I couldn't even warn her before I vomited all over her lady garden and up her thighs.

45:01Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Eight cans of John Smith's and a grated red Leicester cheese back. Yes, of course he's having a Red Leicester cheese map. Absolutely covered her.

45:18He's wrapped in brown paper. The grated mature is just not doing it, is it? It's got to be a Red Leicester. This lad's about 55 in his head. After making my escape, she asked if it was anything she'd done. Bless her. I replied, Nah, it must have been something I ate earlier. And I walked away. I turned round after about ten yards to see her lying there motionless. He's left her? Under the glisten of moonlight. Jean still around her knees, but a wave of steam rising from the vomit volcano. I feel awful to this day for leaving her. Right, we shouldn't laugh, but... But I had no other option. I haven't eaten anything that smells strongly of fish since if you were listening let's call her Xena I am truly sorry but it was you yum

46:23your musty mott

46:27has scarred me for life all the best Oh no. I mean, he shouldn't have let, I mean, the 16, you know, he should know better, well, maybe he's still young, but I've got the, he's walked off and he's left her with a sicky fanny. He's gone from hero to zero for me there. She's got cold cheeks, sat on frozen grass. What do you do to help? Scenario? You've spilled up all of her inside her legs and her tuppy. What do you do to help? Go get some leaves? nice what about just offer a jacket do like a couple of rolls you know because it's frosty dewy just get a wesh yeah you mean like a dog you mean like a dog's got a sit-to-face just like oh just no shit like you do if you get it on your hand you give up one of them on the thingy it's tough with a fanny though as if the poor lass is asking it's short grass as well isn't it they're not crazy it's winter it might have grown It's frozen though, isn't it?

47:32It's not growing. It's not until September. I know grass doesn't grow that much at that time of year, but it's not like the wicked wicked. It's not cleaning your undercarriage though. I feel so sorry. She's done. She'll be scarred by that. Do you think? In life. Yeah, I think you've got to go at least sell. I'll go and see if I can find a plastic bag or something to wipe up with and then run. At least tell her she's going back to save her. Roland Grimes, that's what I imagine his name is. Roland. Roland Grimes. I bet he's hard as fuck. Yeah. No, I reckon he's podgy. I think. Yeah. If he's six, eight pints at John Smith's at 16, he's going to have a right fucking belly on him now.

48:20Yeah. He's not seeing his knob. Back then he was the boy though. In me head, the picture I've got in me head, hard as fuck, loves licking fanny. Big lad. Yeah, bigger than everybody else. By the way, he's... All right, yeah, I'm seeing that. I was imagining him small before. Smaller than everybody else and tubby. Nah, I think he's the main man. He's about to lose his virginity as well. I know he's messed that up, haven't he? The thing is, full day in the park. Tell you what, can you imagine, like, from the age of 16, never wanting fish and chips? Fish fingers. I like a fish finger. Did you do any outdoor stuff at that age?

49:02You know when you had no other option? Oh, all right. Yeah, Chris. Yeah? Yeah. I lost my virginity. That's why we did our best work, wasn't it, didn't I? Oh, not at all. I lost my virginity on the edge of the 18-yard box. It lost stock Rangers FC. Right. What positions did you... I was up front.

49:25Oh, come on. Positions? You're strictly missionary at that age, aren't you? first time i lost mine in a caravan on somebody's drive see that's how i'd imagine him this yeah to lose his yeah roland broke into it or summer no she was she had key oh it was her family yeah

49:47got absolutely dogs of because she weren't great got absolutely dogs of yours for years and then One of her best mates shagged her and he lost his to her when he got to about 14, 15. Jesus. So, we're like, better come back. Well, just on American Pie then, middle stepdaughter went to a party Saturday night. Anyway, his mum and dad are away and he's gone down the, right, this is going to be the fucking party of all parties. Open invite. Right, what, Facebooks? Yeah. Got an open invite on all Doobry's Instagram and everything. Snapchat. Yeah. Apparently, there's over 150 kids there. How old? Rangers, do you know?

50:34Well, 13, 14 to probably 17-ish. Anyway, I've seen a video. There's four police cars, two riot vans. It's fucking gone ballistic. Yeah, I've seen a bit of it. It's a major operation. It looks like there's been a proper crime. Do you know what I mean? And this kid's just fucking scarpering all over the place. Unbelievable. I spoke to Oliver on Sunday. I went, oh, Lily went to a party last night. All kicked off. He said, oh, yeah, I've seen it. It's all over the fucking Snapchat. Younglings just film everything, don't they? But his mum and dad were getting back the next day. Imagine that, walking to an house.

51:18there's a video of somebody pouring drink on the pool table he's in bother isn't he I don't think he's having another party he's in deep shit I can't understand Oscar now is 17 he's been to a few house parties and I can't understand why as a parent you'd agree to let a load of teenagers in your house was Oscar's an organised party so the mum and dad knew own but still 50 60 kids in your house it's not gonna be in good shape after is it i thought that only happened when the parents were away and they knew nothing about it so do you imagine it looked exactly like his house when it's not had a party good party a weekend go no no i just sat on my own it i went to one when again 16 17 mum and dad away and i remember somebody moved something upstairs and put it in the mum and dad's room under pillar you want it have i said this before yeah so we moved somewhere upstairs why are you trying to blame somebody else i was i was i was making it less about me it's a long spell less about me and just a general general story so we moved somewhere upstairs thinking all right you know it'll be won't it be funny when his mum comes home and and ladles under a pillar it just escalated from the like everything from the entire house was in the mum and dad's bedroom that you couldn't shut the door and there were rips up the stairs you know where people brought three-piece sweets up see it's like that's wankerish a couple of like kettle sound no exactly but that's what i mean it just escalates at that age doesn't it and was this during the party yeah some of these were all right laugh weren't you you lot what not trying to get in other women or anything like that come on let's just shift loads of furniture upstairs.

53:10You fancy a snog? Do I fuck? I'm taking this settee upstairs. But that's what I mean, just a bit of escalating. I couldn't think of anything. Oldest had a, one went, we were away and there were a fagging plant pot and just, you could just tell there'd been a party. You know what Katie's like? She's obviously fucking, like an operating theatre and she knew within one step again how she had a party. And this leads on to my next thing. Is being grounded still a thing? Like, can you remember getting grounded as a young 'un? I can't imagine young 'uns now accepting a two-week... Kids don't go out as much as what they used to.

53:52We used to be out every night, us. Just on the street? Yeah. For no reason, Tuesday night we'd be out. I just remember I used to be crippled. I think I got done two weeks after the Milken thing. Two-week grounded and I felt like my world was over. You'd not got your phone on that then, had you? to entertain Netflix now I'm PlayStation headphones on talking to you man punishment anymore because did you get anywhere was did you serve the full term or did you get early release no full-term two weeks that's what it I think we're as bad as well I know I'm bad because I've chucked a ground in him before two days after oh such a body's going down to yeah right just don't do it again yeah i think i think it's off the ship we're different as parents i think i think we're different as parents i think each generation's different yeah because they react to how they were treated and but then you could look at it you know that it's not going to affect them like because it used to cripple us because we were out every day now it's like well what's the point did Did you go milking again?

55:01Yeah, I think I might have done. So it worked then, did it? We weren't rehabilitated. We needed a month. Yeah. Tell you what, it is a big one. Take the phone off him. Is that the... Take the phone off him. Fucking hell. All hell, Brett's loose. I can see why, you know. In fact, in fact, when she had that party, she came back and Katie got her phone and she fucking smashed it on kitchen side. Oh, Jesus. Yes. That's what's reminding me Fucking phone had gone She got that in the locker, Katie She did that, dude Well, it's her house, innit What was the extent of the party? Did you know that? Were it a few mates round Or was there a party?

55:39There were a party There were a party So when I saw St. Fag in In Plamport That were it Phone gone I bet her daughter was like For fuck's sake But it was like Do you know She's cleaned up Cleared everything A full crime scene Had to mat on And her fucking fag butt As you know she like she cleans all day every day so just the fact that it weren't as clean as when we left the house she knew there's footprints on oh come on no she's been very sloppy yeah i reckon she's got to go with like an assassin you know when they get somebody they invite somebody around and then they go kitchen and the old kitchen's covered in plastic already yeah three and then yeah in back head blood splatter but easy cleanup just wrap it all up again yeah we have ever since a fucking ring doorbell she ordered it that day when the ring doorbell ever since it goes off quite a lot when you're away don't it yeah i've no i've done i've got the delivery oh what deliveries yeah she's she's changed she's changed the password on it oh so you can't see i can't see fuck all now yeah oh there's another one oh that was when valentine's wasn't it?

56:53We were away Valentine's weekend. Fuck yeah, I had a right time. Never seen her so happy. Not that Monday, she was fucking off at moon. I've got one here gents and it's not so much the email but we've got some accompanying photos. Morning lads, forget the blars just feast your eyes around this and thankfully we're on video so we can all have a look at the photos. Oh aye. Let me take you back to 2001 when I was working for a local firm in Leeds doing maintenance repairs. Day in, day out, there was always one house on the call sheet that all the lads wanted to go to, and everyone would take turns.

57:36Now, I'd only been working for the company six months, but the day finally arose when we needed to do a boiler service. Everyone put their name in a hat and got picked. Imagine. So everyone wants to go to this house. The fact that you've got to do a draw. Does he not know yet what the... I'm assuming they would have mentioned why. But people had told stories about what it was like, but nothing could prepare me for what was about to happen. Off I went to Otley to do the boiler service. It's not far off you, is it, Otley? Twenties. Worth a drive. I walked in to what looked like a normal house. Oh, the boiler's downstairs in the basement, cupboard in the corner.

58:19You'll see it, said an oldish woman. me at this point thinking am I at the right house here I open the door to the basement to a strong smell of cleaning products walk down to what can only be described as a scene from saw crossed with one of those dodgy videos Baldu hey come on I don't watch that's more like the videos you watch this I think yours are like i think he's a cd than yours so you think i watch cd upon the name no yeah i reckon this is like oh he's got to me because he's got to watch the whole thing because he's got obviously one hand on his cock and the fingers up his ass he can't fast forward like i can yeah that's why i've got my them suckers foot back you know she can put it on toilet door he's a seed borderline

59:42I was done. No cups of tea accepted as I didn't want to end up in a body cage gagged and getting molested. I was out the door never to be seen again. Covid it two weeks later and I was out of a job but still think about the dungeon to this day. I know this might not come across well on the pod but thought you would like to see the sex dungeon and how I came about it. Keep up the good work lads. Up the fucking cosh. Love nugget. Do you know what got us going there? And he sent us a selection of photos oh my before we go on the pictures you know the lass knows fine well there's somebody coming round to go into that room and she's just left them there anyway she hasn't thought I need to at least tidy away the sex toys and that no no no Chris she's just gone have you seen the pictures I haven't when you see the pictures there's no tidying up is there not no she'd need another basement to put out toys in to hide them what's it called oh you bastard right Right, shall we have a talk through them?

1:00:44Fuck me. So, shall we talk through number one? Looks like a pneumatic sort of dildo, well, pneumatic shagger, innit? You've got to get bent over and that just drills up your body. I don't get, because there's one at either end. One might win his mouth, I don't know. I do like the random extension cable in the corner there. Yeah. What do you make of this one? With the skulls. That makes it a bit more... So do you think she gets... She's... Well, there's that many belts and things. I think you're proper tied up. Yeah, I do. You can't move a muscle. It looks like, for anybody who can't see the picture, Han Solo in Return of the Jedi, you know, when he's coming through the door, when he's frozen, cryogenically frozen.

1:01:38And what would be happening there? because she's elevated. She's going to be eating him and that, isn't she? Oh, you think he's the one tied up there? Oh, she's not. No, they don't get, the women don't get tied up. Oh, right. Sorry, John. You would argue to get fucked knocked out of you. Yeah, but I think women will go as well. I think it's free for all, isn't it? I don't know. Oh, my golly gosh. Have you seen that one? Have you seen what's on the seat? You know, the one behind the cage? The cage? Just zoom in on the seat.

1:02:11Oh, yeah. That's out of your bum. But, I don't know, picture seven. Top right-hand corner, first aid kit. Precautions, they're taking precautions. Yeah, the last thing you want is injuries down in one of these sorts of places, isn't it? Jesus Christ, I've never seen anything like this before. I'll tell you what, there's a lot of spanking equipment. That one.

1:02:42Doesn't really Doesn't really put the willies up me that one Little hand on a stick It's a bit like what you'd try and squat a fly with Yeah I tell you what we're talking proper torture here you know Have you seen the scissors and that The utensils Yeah With the roller Yeah That's a proper torture chamber isn't it Look at the butt plugs here You've got like your bronze Your silver and your gold Gold's a big right one on the right. Are we on the utility table? Yeah. No, that is. Do you think that's lubricant or hand sanitiser? Key ring being left on the table as well and some lip gloss. Jesus. Yeah, you're in a compromising position on that one, aren't you?

1:03:30What do you think's going on there, Chrissy? What do you do? It's just stuff going up your arse, left, right and centre, are they? Yeah, you're just strapped down in the... Tell you what surprises me, right? Obviously, there's a lot of money's worth of gear down here, isn't there? In this dungeon. I didn't think there'd be that many people around the Otley area who'd be into it, but there must be, wouldn't there? I think they'll travel from far and wide. For that lad. I wonder what she looks like. I think there's a lot of people who are into more than what you want behind closed doors. This podcast tells us that, Chris.

1:04:03I'm a right boring bastard me, then. I'm thinking no worse than going down there. Right, gents, I think that's us. I've got an appointment in 15th. I'm going to get fucked kicked out of me all afternoon. By the way, this got taken out last week, but we've got an exit theme, haven't we? In relation to your seedy hobbies, habits. All the songs. Yeah, we'll go with it. Said it once as a joke. No, no, no, no, no. You were pissed in Germany and let it slip. Yeah. And then forgot that you did and regretted it. Two in every three wanks and got your finger up your ass. We'll go with it. So enjoy the song.

1:04:40Yeah. Hull tomorrow. Yeah, looking forward to it. If you've not got tickets and you're in the whole areas. Yes. It's just chaos. Absolute chaos. If you like chaos, it's a place for you. Have a look on the website for Newcastle, Redding, Stork, plenty of other shows. Yeah. Yeah. Anything else before we finish? No. Do you think, do you know if you said to Louise, Louise I'm not gonna I'm not gonna have sexual intercourse but I'm just gonna go to one of these gaffes just to see what it's like I think she'd like you have an hour won't get involved and get spanked maybe I don't know Alaska yeah okay sir does she go just you know it now it's you you're just going for your own curiosity you're not like you probably because up in half an hour yeah I just sitting waiting room.

1:05:36I wonder if like, you know, like mid-cracking that, like with anybody touching your penis, you just suddenly go, oh, and ejaculate if you're into it that much. I can't say it. Me personally, but there is obviously there's a reason why people go. Let us know if anybody's into it. It's intriguing. Up the cosh. Up the cosh. Not that far from you, what we?

1:06:32When I'm alone With nothing else to do I take all my clothes off And think about you But a regular wank Just seems so dumb I take my finger And I stick it in my bum Pokébomb whites, are the best for me

1:07:19When I'm at work, when I'm on the bus When I'm in the cinema I do what I must No time for lubrication Just go and try Finger in my bum hole Sometimes I cry It hurts but I love it Pokebomb wines, pokey, are the best for me Yeah, pokey, are the best for me