Friday Club | Boxing Day Babysitter

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1:28Hey, hey, it's the Friday Club The weekend's here, get in that pub It's Friday Club, Bing Bang Vosch With all of your favourites from under the cuss So if you want to share a story or relive a formatory Futter the wheat or clapping them cheeks Maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank It's all here on the Friday Club

1:56Fuck me, I'm full.

2:01And I can guarantee you, I can guarantee you one million percent, I'll have not eaten as much as him yesterday. That'll have been an absolute fucking abomination of food. In fact... Do you all get proper... I can imagine you at Christmas dinner, going for the tucking, you know, with a napkin. No. why with the table why can you imagine that just like all that food on the table oh right like ooh no like that banging your knife and fork mum dinner I'm gonna look at dinner tell you what I can imagine and I'd even put a couple of quid on it I reckon you first back up you know like you have your dinner and your leftovers you first to the like the cold bit bit of meat and that pickles yeah yeah you'd be right yeah What will you be doing, Boxing Day?

2:52I'm going out Boxing Day. Yeah? Yeah, I'll be out boozing today in the Artsy Oaks Working Men's Club. Ooh. I'll be driving home and my mum has a gathering. So Christmas Day and Boxing Day is heavy. Right. You? Chill Day, Boxing Day. What? I'm out 27th, so... It's got to be a real dick, hasn't it? It's got to be different, hasn't it? It's got to be a different dick. What do you mean? So what will you do? I'll go for a walk in the morning. Liar. Why liar? Why? You might go for a paper down at post office. We go for a walk, have some breakfast, and then back home, just chill all day. Matt, I've contemplated going to match.

3:35I'm going to match. You'd be shy, that. Yeah. But then I'm 27th. Yeah, what are you at with 27th? There's a gathering, as you put it. A gaggle? Yeah. Men and partners? Yes. Ladies and gentlemen. Quick one here. Would you rather suck 10 dicks one time or one dick 10 times? Hold on a minute. Let me just break that. Would you rather suck 10 dicks one time? I don't think it matters, does it? It's still 10 dicks. I know, but you're only looking at an hour, aren't you? You might start enjoying it if you suck the same one. I'm winning one 10 times, I think. You get a variety of you. go with 10 different ones then you might start enjoying it all different shapes and sizes yeah one 10 times you're going one 10 times do you get to pick the one you do yeah oh yeah one 10 times I don't want 10 different fucking helmets around me staring at me can you do them all in one session do what you want Chris for me wouldn't it be like to be looking down the barrel of 10 loaded guns no that's what I mean safety goggles on don't like talking about stuff like this do you Chris?

4:48no

4:54let me think of another one I'm going to make him squeam a bit squeam? squeam? one willy in the bum or three in your mouth? that's an excellent question three in the mouth you don't want anything round about that area do you? just for people who are only well everybody only listens don't they there's a squirm there's a face you're like he's just bit on a lemon no thanks we're at one in your mouth and one in each ear I wouldn't mind that and two right bigans up your ooter

5:35I've only got myself to blame for even for asking the question well you've brought the question up ain't you Sharp yeah yeah as the Oaks working men's club today. Yeah. Is the return on? There will be. There'll be a kids thing like probably one till three maybe. And then obviously all the lads will then tack the kids off to grandparents and that. That's when the real business gets started. Spread? Now. No food? No, I don't think so. No. No. I'm not a big eater, Chris. You know that. But do they not put... Because, bearing in mind, they get kebabs in on the quiz. surely got to put a bit of a, somewhat on the bar.

6:14Yeah, well, to be fair, we've got, we never knew landlords leaving. So I think if I weren't doing this, I think I'd be up for the role. Do you think it's acceptable, like, at 41 years of age, trumping and wafting?

6:33Because you don't want no up his arse, right? But he's happy to expel from it and then waft, like, not even subtly. I've been enjoying it. An Anwa. Because I'm not a fan of the pumps. I very, very rarely release myself in company.

6:52And sometimes in this establishment, they're released unnecessarily in built-up areas amongst the public, which I find very offensive. Yeah, bad, innit? Fuck off. And you're a chuckler. No, you're a chuckler. I don't like farts. I don't like farts. And he's just released one and give one waft. What? No, waft to her. Paul, what are you doing? I'm going to start swinging. Well, is it acceptable wafting at 41? And releasing a waft? Yeah. I don't think it is. I enjoy it. Personally. Well, because it wafted in your direction. I'm only half a yard away from him anyway. I'm going to get it. He just wanted results quicker than it.

7:36Cop for that. He just wanted quick results. Get on your gills. 41 year old after nearly 44 year old's face fart. They're not good either are they? No they're bad. Do you know what? I know I said last week that my diet's bad. Half 10 last night, big pasta, 12 inch cheese and tomato garlic bread, large portion of chips, them spare ribs. Half 10 at night on a Tuesday. Good though aren't they? The ribs are good. I ate every drop. We were going to go for Chinese, weren't we? We were too late. Yeah. Oh, nightmare. Walking in. Is she locking up as you arrived? Doors were closing. Ching Chong's Palace.

8:18I'd have tried to get in, but all the lights were off. I thought I'd have got no chance here. See, I'm going behind me row London, you know, like in the films. I'm in! I'm in! Indiana Jones. He's reaching back for your Bobat. So I had two pieces of chicken from KFC. That's what I had. Crap. Are we diving in? I'll dive in. We've got a table full. of emails. Do you remember? So by the way, do not answer my question. Is wafting acceptable? Again, it all depends who's released, who it's wafted at. The wafty, the wafter and I was quite happy with that waft. Do you ever waft the kids? No. I'm not an animal.

8:58What do you mean? Do you ever cover poop the kids? No. That's unacceptable. I'll do that. I'm a child. She gets me back. so is it acceptable how old are you? 43 to waft to come a boob a 12 year old yeah well in my house yeah yeah I think if you're if you're receiving the waft completely unacceptable if you're watching the waft or observing the waft fine right Sam you're going to be accused of double standards are you John? I don't give a fuck that's a bit of crack I've got said email here titled toothbrush remember we talked not last week the week before about the fella with the toothbrush on the gooch of his brother and sister-in-law well now then lads great show blah blah blah listen to this week's episode about the toothbrush up the jacks story reminded me of a lads holiday about 30 years ago me and the lads went on holiday to a beefer ground floor apartment anyway after a night out and getting in at probably 7am we all agreed it looked like something was different about the place.

10:10Pictures, tables moved, wardrobe doors opened, that kind of stuff. Anyway, we had a look around and decided nothing was missing, so I went to bed and thought nothing of it. Fast forward to getting home and excitedly taking the old Kodak to Boots for the photos to be developed. In opening the first packet, the usual blurred pics with the oops sticker on, then what the fuck is this? A pic of three Spanish bastards with our toothbrushes up their arses, bent over, thumbs up to the Kodak. Fuming but laughing our heads off at the same time. Up the cosh for all on Newcastle. At least they're not Nick Nowt.

10:54They're not Nick Nowt, they've just broke in. Nick Nowt. And sodomised the toothbrushes. That's good crack, innit? Yeah, I don't mind that. See if they took a photo of all the cheeky bastards. you're winning Chris I'm going to have a look thought he had her on toast full time Patreon and listener from day one is there a part time Patreon do you think yeah should we go with that say you're a full timer if you say it true maybe we could, that's where we missed a trick there you boys are saints for what you do, I listen to you religiously in the gym and I've put on a stone in a half as I have to keep stopping to laugh out loud.

11:37Brilliant. This happened to a friend of mine many moons back. I'm a cable jointer, so my work takes me all over the place contracting. On a particular stint in the Northern Territories, we were put in a time where we'd frequent the local most nights. Me and my colleague, let's call him Robbo, were there for a month solid, and for a month solid he'd been trying to crack on to the 10 out of 10 behind the bar to no avail. We had a cheeky bet that he'd never get anywhere near and this spurred him on. Well, after finishing early one Friday, we went in straight from sight for a couple of dust busters.

12:25Still gear on. Dutty. Right. Straight in. I left pre-closing for a kebab and a sleeping tablet at leaving Romeo Turret with a barmaid. I woke up in the early hours and he wasn't back at the dig so I thought jackpot! It's going to cost me a score but fair play he's done the job. If only that was the case. In the morning he was back so I waited for the gory details. Here's how it went down. After closing up the barmaid offered him a lift back unless he wanted to go back to hers for a nightcap. Of course he did. heavy petting on the sofa and he's groping away she stops him it's a bad word groping it's like it sounds fondling yeah fondling but groping not consensual she stops him and says she's going to the toilet in her absence he gets up goes to the kitchen to wash his face to compose himself and while he's at it just gives the one wood a quick sploosh good word yeah oh he's still in he's still in his work still isn't he Yeah, he's had to pull down the duals.

13:34Yeah, as he's been at work and still in his cargos. He washes, wipes with a tea towel, and is back on the sofa ready for action. Getting her to sit to the left of him so it can get optimum fingering position. Oh, your strong arm. He said. We've all got a strong hand, haven't we? Trigger finger. Is it dying a bit that I had to finger in? No. Not in our house, John. No, it's one of my best attributes, I'll be honest with you. Chosey technique? Oh.

14:05This is his moment. A month of hard graft and knockbacks has culminated in this. After more heavy petting, the cargos are off. And she goes down to play the pinky bowie. Pinky bow? Pinky bow? Pinky bow? Pink oboe? Oh, the oboe. The oboe. Yes, the pink oboe. I'm guessing it's an instrument. Only a stop bowie. on the pinky manual only to stop halfway down and says what the fuck is that she says this in his haste to wash and dry the tackle it was a dirty tea towel he'd used and nestled perfectly in his pubes like an egg in a nest was a baked bean not the bean not the bean a straight bean man there's not worse is there I don't know I've never had one I might have been I'd run down my top but never never had my pubes oh god safe to say it was an early night for him and he was mortified but I still paid up you're just going to go with the flick aren't you yeah I was going to say what's the best scenario the flick is it harsh on Erda it's all you know he's dealt with it if he's explained I had a little wash I'd grab you a towel dirty towel outside I don't think she'd be very happy with him washing his knob with a fucking tea towel but he always been there since breakfast it's the one and only occasion where he didn't blow his beans but the beans blew it for him good work lads up the cosh did you ever wash your cheese and beans for your dinner at work surely like she's wanting to get a shower before it all goes off anyway ain't she well no she's got she nipped in the bathroom for her no but if he's been if he's been grafting all day or him sorry yeah she's gonna want him to get a shower sure it says you're right for having loads of pubes yeah get them trimmed up mate a bean a bean and a nest of pubes that's enough to put anybody off?

16:27Ah, so. Thought he had her on toast. There's the link. I was wondering what that was. So, so unlucky. They do look horrible as well. It's one of the worst. What would be like a mushroom? What's the worst vegetable you'd want to find in your pubes? A bean. I know bean's not a vegetable, but... Beans up there. A mushroom would be bad. A shrivel, you know, like when they've been on a plate for 24 hours. Peanut can't be good. What's a peanut doing down there? It's a similar shape. I think most food... No, I still think beans are worse because you've got the residue as well, haven't you? It's got a bit of juice on it.

17:08That'll have gone crusty. It'll have dried up throughout the day, the bean. Yeah, the towel will have absorbed it. Yeah, good point. It's going to be hard. It's a bean, not a vegetable. Like a runner bean. Yeah, but in my head I'm thinking Heinz Baked. Is that a vegetable? They've got to come from somewhere, haven't they? I don't know. It's not a deal-breaker. Just think what else would be really bad. A sardine. That's definitely not a vegetable. But a fish. A prawn. Imagine a prawn. A cockle. Yeah. Oh, a cockle would be bad. Vinegary. Just a chunk of tuna. Yeah, just a shave. from that one. Yeah, she's got a...

17:56Surely she's going to want... She's got to expect one team to go and get a shower for him. Got his work gear on. She's gone to play, huh? Well, the old boy. Manual of Bowie. Cats had a shite. Now then, lads. Found the Friday Club a couple of months ago and absolutely hooked. A few years ago, I found myself single for the first time after splitting up with the mother of my kids. I was starved of attention, desperate for some excitement and ready to experience as many different women as possible. At that stage, I wasn't exactly turning much down. I was up for anything. I'd been chatting to this girl on a dating app for a couple of days.

18:39There'd been no sexual talk, but just in case, I took a bluey and slipped a couple of condoms into my pocket before heading over. Ambitious. Just having one for the... just in case. I can imagine it would get very uncomfortable. I already knew she wasn't a world beater. A bigger lass. But pretty in the face, in my mind... More like a panel beater. But pretty in the face, in my mind, it was like FIFA career mode or football manager. Sometimes you don't sign the superstar, you sign potential and try to develop it. I pulled up outside her house and was pleasantly surprised. nice street, BMW on the drive I thought, happy days maybe I've landed myself a regular situation here then she opened the door and my breath was instantly taken away not by our looks by the smell the expression on my face must have said everything because before I even spoke she muttered in a thick Yorkshire accent cats out of shite

19:51trying to be polite I stepped inside and took my shoes off not wanting to drag any more dirt into the house although at this point nothing could have made it worse we went into the living room and sat down to watch police interceptors

20:09no offer of a drink no attempt at conversation just a lingering stench of whatever the cat had apparently done, burning a hole straight through my nostrils. We must have watched a couple of episodes. I tried to break the ice by putting my hand on her leg. She didn't stop me, but she didn't exactly move things forward either. Eventually, I asked to use the toilet. She told me it was back near the front door just off the hallway. as I walked out the smell hit me again stronger this time thicker and the closer I got into the bathroom the worse it became unless this woman kept a cat litter tray inside the bathroom it was becoming pretty clear that the cat hadn't done anything from the intensity of it whatever had happened had the nutritional signature of someone eating nothing but corned beef ash for days I finished up came back out and walked into the living room again she must have realised I'd cottoned on to the truth that it wasn't the cat responsible for the early chemical event but her whatever she'd released would have broken down about five sections of the Geneva Convention I sat back down partly because I'd come this far my senses had already been assaulted I figured I might as well see if anything could be salvaged Another episode of Police Interceptors went by.

21:46But this mustard gas processing plant of a woman wasn't having any of it. Eventually I said, right, I better be off then. She followed me into the hallway, both of us standing in the thick of the fog from earlier. I tried one last time, gave her a hug and joked that I'd been sat there with my lob wedge flirting with being a full-blown one-wood, hoping she might take the hint. So that's going in strong, really, isn't it? It's Hail Mary, isn't it? She's on his way out. She declined. So I left. I ignored her for a day or so until she messaged, asking if I'd come round on Christmas Eve to build her kids' presents.

22:29Bikes, toys, the lot, saying she'd make it worth my while. Honestly, the only reason I didn't end up assembling little Timmy's bike was because I had my own kids that night. If I hadn't, I'd probably have been back there, Alan Keenan, bracing myself for round two of biological warfare. I like him. He's going in with a mask on. He just wants to get his end away. Like he's been rendering. He's got the mask on. She stinks as shit. She's nothing to say. They're watching police interceptors and he still wants to have a blast. He's still going to knock the bike up. Yeah. Police Interceptors is a strange one, isn't it?

23:10Watch multiple. You finish the one that you're watching. Yeah, and it's very much samey, isn't it? Much of a muchness. Yeah. At least like on 24 Hours in A &E, there's different ailments coming in there. Police Interceptors, it's just cars chasing other cars, isn't it? Is that right? Yeah. Police chasing baddies. Yeah. Ever tell you my uncle were on 999? No. No. Yeah, he's on 999. He was a lobster fisherman and his boat sank three mile offshore and they didn't have enough life jackets and he had to swim back to shore in his underpants. 999, he was on. Who did the reconstruction? Michael Phelps?

23:52I used to like 999. I did. That and Crime Watch. I used to like Crime Watch. That's something that needs to be brought back, Crime Watch. Fucking hell, it'd be about a fucking 23-hour long programme, wouldn't it? Jesus Christ Please don't have nightmares Yes Like there'll be a generation We'll listen to this We'll end up what we're on about Our yoga instructor Challenged us to find inner peace I found it faster than anyone After four seconds I stood up and screamed I found Nirvana I win They asked me to leave I guess they don't respect winning Bet365 does though New customers get$150 in bonus bets Just for betting$10 namaste losers bet 365 winning is everything gambling problem call 1-800-GAMBLER 21 plus only must be physically located in illinois tnc's apply in-app only study and play come together on a windows 11 pc and for a limited time college students get the best of both worlds get the unreal college deal everything you need to study and play with select windows 11 pcs eligible students get a year of Microsoft 365 Premium and a year of Xbox Game Pass Ultimate with a custom color Xbox wireless controller.

25:07Learn more at windows.com slash student offer. While supplies last, ends June 30th. Terms at aka.ms slash college PC. You don't wash your jersey during a win streak. You don't switch seats when your team's up big. And you definitely don't shave during the playoffs. When things are working, you don't change them. That's why when you drink Jägermeister, you drink it ice cold. Anything else? well that'd just be bad luck drink it cold or don't drink it at all Jägermeister damn that's cold drink responsibly Jägermeister liqueur 35 % alcohol by volume imported by Masked Jägermeister US White Plains New York

25:45what about Sunday mornings Land of the Giants did you watch that Planet of the Apes Walter to be fair Little House on the Prairie nah we're out playing football same I think yeah we'd be out playing football at Sunday mornings. What kids' TV shows kind of stuck with you? You bet. You bet. Not really a kid's one. Funhouse. They're taking the twins to the Funhouse. Fucking hell, I know. I wonder if Pat did. Just remember his big, blonde, fluffy mullet. Yeah. Might be a bit before. Remember Nightmare? The helmet? No. You don't remember Nightmare? What were the one when they used to fly a plane in a simulator.

26:32Oh. Krypton Factor. Yes. Krypton Factor used to be good. Yeah. See, as I say again, there's a generation ain't a clue what we're on about, isn't there? It was like Strike It Lucky with Michael Barrymore. You see, we're going more into quiz shows now. Yeah, I think what me and you were doing, do you want to name and programmes you used to watch as a kid? You know, like... Were your mum and dad? Yeah, catchphrase. That's not a good thing. Yes. Boom! Yeah. Mr. Chips. yeah still watch it now funny when it when he's wanking like having a wank chipsy you dirty dog what's your answer Mr. Chips having a wank Bullseye strike it lucky oh Bullseye Bullseye was sensational even back now isn't it yeah is it yeah look what you could have won do they still do that I don't think so that was the thingy you've got your where do you live Tamworth you've won you've won 43 pounds I think we're going to take the money we're going to take the money have you seen that clip of him and it's like our TV's changed yeah I believe you did a sponsored sponsored slim didn't you how much do you owe him is that real that's got to be AI no that's what we're like the good old days how much do you owe him did you see this he gives you the Pat though, that's all the kid in love.

28:00Yeah, there used to be some fantastic programmes on back in the day. Yeah, there has been a... A high wave of change, hasn't there? Two-runners Sunday night at Phantom Raspi Blower. Geordie Racer? No, I've never watched that. I don't think I have, are you? No? Just up your end? Seasonal. Regional, even. What's it round Easter?

28:22Blind date. Oh, blinds, right? Blind date. Gladiators, yeah. I've seen her finger, I don't know if it's, must be my algorithm, Cilla Black, Cilla Blacklight singing songs. She could fucking ruin any song of her. She would fucking crack. Hey, she was a top artist in a day. What, drawing or singing? Singer? Well, everyone that comes up on my algorithm, she's fucking killing it. She's butchering it, bless her. Surprise, surprise. The unexpected hit you between the eyes. she was nasal wasn't she yeah it's a surprise it's a surprise so shagging celebrities follow on from last week oh god alright lads this could be about you Chris alright lads please keep me anonymous because this lad happens to listen to the podcast I don't listen to it By the way, I've read this, right?

29:24And I don't think keeping it anonymous because he listens is going to be a thing. I don't think he's going to realise quite quickly. Last week, you were talking about sexual interactions with celebs, which reminded me of what happened to my friend 20 odd years ago. It was 2001 and I was living in Ireland in college in Sligo. Sligo is a small town but has a decent sized student population, but is most famous for being home to a few of the lads from Westlife. Good looking lads. Good looking group. Who's your favourite?

30:01I can't name them by name. No. Brian McFadden, he. By the way, he's a shagger, isn't he? He's only his fourth wife, isn't he? Fifth wife or something? I think he is, aye. Fucking good lad. Good lad. Anyway, we were out in Equinox nightclub and these three lads were in there and they were dripping in pussy. All of them? Well, these three lads. I don't know how many's in Westline. Anyway, my mate had a missus with him when it was closing time. She said she was going to the toilet and she'd meet him outside. My mate, let's call him Paddy, said sound. Paddy took up a spot on the pavement and waited but no signs of his missus.

30:46after an hour he decided to send her a text an hour? a fucking hour? I'm just kidding 90 seconds after an hour he decided to send her a text message with his last 20p phone credit that he had no reply an hour later she appeared oh I'm sorry she said one of the lads from Westlife asked me did I want to stay for a late drink and I couldn't refuse that but there was loads of women there, I promise. Paddy just said sound. He was a bit suspicious but after standing outside in the pissing rain for two hours for his missus he just wanted to get home. Oh no! And that is exactly what we were talking about, something like that, innit?