Friday Club | Colin The Caterpillar

8:30Chris Stonadge:shooting her I'm off we've all got to pass John I know I know but now I'm off maybe that's wrong

8:37Colin The Caterpillar:maybe that's wrong I did know somebody she said I've never had a one-night stand I thought maybe she's the one here we thought

8:45Chris Stonadge:I'll crack this

8:46Colin The Caterpillar:and she said I just used to sleep with him again so it wasn't a one-night stand in morning as well

8:54Chris Stonadge:that was her thinking I get it yeah I think it's best best to put this subject to bed but

9:02James W. Smith:I think it's best our age as well unless you start a relationship with somebody who's been with somebody and married for a long time you're gonna be lucky to get under 30, 40

9:13Colin The Caterpillar:here we go then what if

9:16Chris Stonadge:now that's still an obscene number isn't it what if somebody's 40 year old about 10 years at it

9:23Colin The Caterpillar:open your eyes man

9:24Chris Stonadge:am I been am I been naive here

9:26Colin The Caterpillar:oh fuck me what if you meet somebody I'll be the one on me notch she's been with one person but she's a burst couch in bed but she's been with or she's been with 50 and she's an absolute superstar wild thing

9:44Chris Stonadge:I genuinely don't know the answers I don't know I'll have to think about it and get back to you next week but

9:52Chris Stonadge:I've never asked the question I've never been asked a question. Why don't we do it live? Get her on the blower. Get her on the blower. Here's one for you. Right, we're done. We've all worked for six, aren't we? What, six?

10:07James W. Smith:Oh, you're right. Yeah, put six.

10:09Chris Stonadge:Yeah. So, I know somebody who works at a car garage, right? Have you ever heard out like this? I know somebody who works at a car garage, right? And they were taking... Somebody fetched a car in for a service. Right? so he says look there's a bit of a special requirement on my car you'll have to come out and then i can show you how to use it you know so when they leave it they can get it into the garage so going out to the car just he's the person sat in the passenger seat the driver's sat in the driver's seat pull a wire out he's only got a fucking breathalyzer a breathalyzer before you can start the car.

10:56Chris Stonadge:You know, like back in the day we used to put a little thing in. No, immobiliser thing. Immobiliser? Well, this is a breathalyzer. So he's got to blow on the breathalyzer. It's got to go sound before you can start the fucking car up. I think that's a good thing. That's quite a good idea, isn't it? Have you ever known it before?

11:17James W. Smith:No. He must have a chequered past in his driving.

11:21Colin The Caterpillar:It must be like an insurance thing, wouldn't it? I wouldn't be surprised if that's going to be implemented as a regular thing. Imagine like getting in a car.

11:32Chris Stonadge:You've got to...

11:37Chris Stonadge:It's outrageous, really.

11:38Colin The Caterpillar:It's also good for security because if your car gets nicked, they're not going to think, oh, there's a breathalyzer there. I need to do that before it starts.

11:46James W. Smith:Oh, yeah, DNA, get lips on it.

11:48Chris Stonadge:mm-hmm so but it just it just blew my mind you've got to blow in the breathalyser you've got to pass

11:55James W. Smith:your test if we can turn the car on i wonder if it's that he's got an alcohol problem he's obviously

12:04Chris Stonadge:been done for drink driving or he's been done yeah the insurance have said i'll tell you what yeah uh i'll put a breathalyser in with insure for yeah whatever amount i'll tell you what i've got

12:14James W. Smith:into this week and I know I'm very, very, very late to the party here, but I've started watching that Celebrity Traitors. Good. Did you watch, have you watched any Traitors? No, I've gone back and watched. Have we not talked about this on here before? Yeah, I've not got involved. It's good, isn't it? Brilliant. I did the full second series over at weekend and, well, finished it last night.

12:37Colin The Caterpillar:Do you think you'd be good on it?

12:38Chris Stonadge:Do people have to lie? Yeah. Oh, fuck me. We've got a celebrity winner here. what's she called what's she got blonde hair on it can't get away move that away the fucking ball from another costume coming in I think I'd be

12:53James W. Smith:I'd be a good traitor up until the point where you've got to tell the truth at the end when you have to stab people in the back

13:03Colin The Caterpillar:like you built you obviously built up friendships connections and then you've still got a lie yeah

13:08James W. Smith:to a group I think I'd be good but then as soon as it became personal and you had to really chuck somebody under the buzz. Yeah. I couldn't do that.

13:17Chris Stonadge:No. See, the only reason I know Kate Garroway's on it is because I listen to Smoove and she's a DJ on Smoove and she speaks about being on traitors. Oh, I'm going to start watching this.

13:25Colin The Caterpillar:Wossie's come out and said that he... Jonathan Ross? Yeah. Why is he on it? Yeah, I haven't seen it but he's tweeted something and he said that he didn't like it. He hated... Being on it? Yeah.

13:38James W. Smith:Do you remember Jonathan Ross's brother getting... When he was all in the press for... He got caught at like cottage in places. You must have gone through a bad patch. You were married and everything. What's cottage in? Dogging, but gay.

13:50Chris Stonadge:Oh? Gay dogging. Is that him who was on this morning? Or was he from LA?

13:55Colin The Caterpillar:What's his first name? Let's do my head in.

13:58Chris Stonadge:Simon Ross? Nick? Peter? Paul? Paul. Paul Ross, it is Paul Ross. It is. If you throw enough in there, you'll get it eventually. With enough disciples. The next one will be Stefan.

14:12James W. Smith:Yeah, they just came back to me that then. But if you were asked to go on a game show, let's just say, I'll give you the, which one would you like? So you've got, let's think of the options. Jungle, Traitors.

14:28Chris Stonadge:I'd love to go out Jungle.

14:30James W. Smith:Gladiators.

14:31Chris Stonadge:No, Big Brother.

14:33James W. Smith:Big Brother. Which one would you? Jungle. Jungle?

14:37Chris Stonadge:I'd love, honestly, if anybody's out there listening, I'd love to go out Jungle.

14:41Colin The Caterpillar:I think you'd be good on the jungle

14:42Chris Stonadge:I think I'd piss it

14:43Colin The Caterpillar:are you alright with spiders and that?

14:45Chris Stonadge:spiders legs I can work with them

14:47James W. Smith:see footballers footballers haven't fared well on nah but I'll be alright I think bullying nah

14:52Chris Stonadge:I think you'd be good I tell you what I'm only joking when I say I'd piss it but I would love to get on the jungle with a fucking politician I'd love to fucking tear one on your arsehole

15:05Colin The Caterpillar:I'll take it back if that's the case you won't do well you won't do well

15:08Chris Stonadge:because I'll be asking questions No, but you get angry.

15:11Colin The Caterpillar:You'll start, you'll say something stupid. And then you'll start putting your opinions forward and you'll just get cancelled. You'll say something and go, I haven't seen it, I know nothing about it and then just offend them. But this is my opinion. I'll go in after lunch.

15:25Chris Stonadge:Yeah, hungry. I should have had my dinner. Hungry all the time. No, but I fucking would love to go on it. Yeah. What would you go with out of them options? You ought to be a gladiator,

15:34Colin The Caterpillar:ain't you? It's gladiator. I'd have a big brother. Big brother? I'd like a big brother. Would you like to go into Big Brother Single?

15:42James W. Smith:Should I get in an hot tub?

15:45Colin The Caterpillar:I could let myself down.

15:48James W. Smith:Creeping. Everybody's seen you creeping. Exactly.

15:52Colin The Caterpillar:Yeah. I could let myself down.

15:54James W. Smith:I could let myself on my family down.

15:56Colin The Caterpillar:Yeah, if you start drinking and that.

15:58James W. Smith:Yeah, when your eyes, you're having a look in your eyes.

16:01Chris Stonadge:How long do you go in for at Big Brother house? A month? It's a first stretch, isn't it? I think it used to be six weeks, didn't it? to just think what you're like after 12 days in Germany without getting a shot off.

16:14Chris Stonadge:I reckon man Dingle might be in trouble fucking week three.

16:18Colin The Caterpillar:Yeah, I'd all of a sudden think I was invisible. Dingle's in bother.

16:24James W. Smith:Dingle's in bother.

16:27Colin The Caterpillar:Oh, God. Oh, the jungle for me. The nigger sniffing caused a bit of a stir, didn't it? I think, John, I think you're in the minority.

16:36Chris Stonadge:I asked a question when I got home. Katie, it's a serious question, this. I says, do you know, if you came home from work one day and I was sat over edge at bed and I got a pair of your soiled knickers over my head, masturbating, what reaction? What would you do? I'm thinking, she'd be like, will she be angry or will she think, that's not great, bit of a pervert. Then she went, I'd absolutely piss me pants. sound no you have I'm going to fucking smell it

17:11Chris Stonadge:yeah but

17:12James W. Smith:like that's a reaction saying she'd piss herself which she probably would but then it's as the dust has settled afterwards she'd be thinking does he always do that

17:24Colin The Caterpillar:it's a fetish isn't it but can I go off in early in relation to that

17:28James W. Smith:yeah yeah go on

17:29Colin The Caterpillar:serial nigger sniffer also also sounds like my old man's into it as well. Hi up lads. First time emailer, long time listener. Please keep me anonymous. Just listened to the episode talking about sniffing knickers. And I can confirm I used to be a professional knicker sniffer between the ages of 12 and 17. 12, that's early. 12 is early. But then is that when you first realise what...

17:56James W. Smith:You start getting a bit...

17:57Colin The Caterpillar:When I used to sleep over at my mates, I always got stuck into the wash basket to look for his mam's and sister's knickers when I got a shower. Once, I found a few pairs. I ripped the head off it while having a good old sniff. I never wore them on my head, but it was a stunning time. A stunning time. I can confirm my old mates' mam and sisters are stunning and their sister's older than me. Look, I was also lucky enough to find some porn videos on their laptop and I also had a good rip to them. A good rip. This happened a while back and I haven't sniffed a pair of knickers since. Probably a congratulations for that, isn't it?

18:40Colin The Caterpillar:Do you think it's just a phase you're going through?

18:41James W. Smith:I think this is more a common fetish thing.

18:45Colin The Caterpillar:But I believe it must run in the family because I've heard my dad loves a good knicker sniff.

18:49Chris Stonadge:Who's he heard that from? I'm just on the grapevine. Can I get a pint of Madri, please? Oh, by the way, your old man was sniffing knickers in here.

18:59Colin The Caterpillar:Up the nick of sniffing, up the cosh. He has gone on to say, P.S. Thanks for doing the podcast. It's got me through many bad days and the Friday Club is another level. I try to promote the pod to everyone as it's the best thing since the black thong. So yeah, I think you're in the minority, John. I think it's more common than what you...

19:19Chris Stonadge:So do you think... I'm just going to go on ground to be fair. so he's gone into his mate's washbasket when he's gone over to stay and got his mum and his sister's knickers and that's alright yeah well well sound are you thinking

19:40James W. Smith:it's a bad one to be caught with though isn't it you know it sounds like a lot more people do it than we've just anticipated but can you imagine like getting caught especially with somebody else like somebody else's knickers not your missus

19:52Colin The Caterpillar:yeah oh someone's mum

19:55James W. Smith:and you've got the old Spider-Man mask on

19:58Chris Stonadge:no I still have the same opinion I think it's a bit it's a bit like yeah it's not for me perverted it's not for me

20:06James W. Smith:and I think I'd have that that moment kind of realisation moment that you mentioned last time John of when I'm halfway through thinking you know if you just catch yourself at mirror

20:17Chris Stonadge:did we speak about it on it or were it after like what's the best result new bro if you get a neutral smell

20:24Colin The Caterpillar:you're in luck just a bit of fanny just a bit of tuna just a bit of fish

20:33James W. Smith:but I think it's weird if you're a fully grown man how does the psychology work if you're a fully grown man like your friend that you talked about last week who has a partner so he can go and have an actual fanny not just the smell

20:48Colin The Caterpillar:I could say to you

20:50Chris Stonadge:why do you watch porn So do you know when you go in the basket, right? You go in the basket and you find some knickers, you pick them up, you have a little look inside, there's a bit of the old disco. Is this like bingo time? Are you thinking, boom, I've dropped on here?

21:09James W. Smith:Do you think there's some that you look at and go, ooh, they're a bit...

21:12Colin The Caterpillar:Yes, I reckon some will be in a state where you're like, these are best left untouched. So there's like the thong bit at the back.

21:20Chris Stonadge:there's a bit a bit of shit on it right is that bingo get in there's a bit of shit on it

21:28James W. Smith:like flossing

21:29Chris Stonadge:or you pick them up and you can just smell gash you can just smell gash stinky pissy

21:38James W. Smith:yeah I don't know what you what it's not a fetish of mine I don't know no me and I I don't know what you're looking for

21:45Chris Stonadge:I do get it

21:46James W. Smith:I don't know what you're looking do you want to smelly fanny watch your bingo

21:50Chris Stonadge:your bingo pick up the wash basket I think the dream is

21:54James W. Smith:and then pick him through like you know like a wine connoisseur just picking it up and yeah

21:58Colin The Caterpillar:because if if the like big granny pants that she's had on for work they can stay in but then if she's been out the night before in a short thingy in a quite sexy underwear they'd be getting it

22:11Chris Stonadge:but if she's been out she's been out from she's been out from sort of six till twelve that's six hours booze in. She's probably had, what, five or six pisses minimum. I imagine they don't wipe them right when they're pissed. I imagine they don't wipe the tuppies right when they're pissed. Like men probably don't check.

22:31James W. Smith:I imagine part of the psychology is the sexy knicker. Rather than, like, if somebody wants to open up about where the pull comes from for the kink. So you've got a sexy pair that have got a bit of an aroma, but you've got a pair of granny knickers that have got a good strong smell. A bit cheesy. What's the preference? We don't know which smell we want, do we?

23:00Chris Stonadge:Is it the smell? Is it the silk on the... So would you rather have a pair of big work knickers that fucking stink sound? If that's what you want. or a sexy thong and there's just a little bit of piss on them. I think that's the dream.

23:20James W. Smith:The sexy one? Yeah. I think it's a sexy one.

23:24Chris Stonadge:Got to be. Well.

23:26James W. Smith:Put that to bed? Yeah. Yeah. Again.

23:29Chris Stonadge:I'm going in. Again.

23:31James W. Smith:It's quite an old one, this one, that I've found in the archives. I've been trying to sift through ones that have slipped through the net because there's a lot.

23:40Chris Stonadge:Why is that? I use the word gash.

23:43James W. Smith:Afternoon coshers. You lot talking about kids walking in on your mid-bonk, obviously from a few weeks back, reminded me of the time when I was a teenager. I was about 17 at the time, and it was my dad's birthday. I'd invited my girlfriend over for tea. When she arrived, I realised we had about 15 minutes before tea would be ready, so of course, we headed to my room. Obviously being horny teenagers, we were at it straight away. So there we were, about two minutes into action, under the covers, When out of nowhere, my dad opens the door and immediately locks eyes with me. Oh, being rumbled. Now, I'm sure at that moment he knew he'd fucked up and was instantly regretting his decision to not knock on the door.

24:30James W. Smith:But instead of just immediately shutting the door, for some reason he decided to ask, what are you doing? Has his dad really fucked up?

24:39Chris Stonadge:He's just open his son's door, isn't he? yeah but

24:42James W. Smith:if you've got teenagers you're gonna knock first yeah

24:48Colin The Caterpillar:from his point of view if they've nipped upstairs me

24:51James W. Smith:still technically inside my girlfriend at this point desperately searched for anything to reply other than what does it look like I replied we're playing caterpillars my dad replied okay and shut the door at lightning speed now Now, to explain, as a kid, I remember wrapping myself up in the covers like a cocoon and pretending to be a caterpillar. I generally thought this was a common game to play as kids, but my mates have since informed me it's definitely not a thing. Anyhow, after my dad's interruption, my girlfriend felt the moment had gone, even though I had somehow remained inside her for the duration of my dad's appearance.

25:36James W. Smith:That evening, we celebrated my dad's birthday, and I was fairly confident all was forgotten. However, the lights dimmed, and I could hear my mum and sister approaching with the birthday cake. In my family, there's always been a tradition, like most I expect, of getting the same birthday cake, so I knew what was coming. My dad stirred at me as I outrolled Colin the Bastard Caterpillar. The cake. his face was a picture I think on some level he thought I'd set the whole thing up anyway to this day we've never spoke about it but my mates always have a good laugh at the story so I thought I'd share keep up the good work and announce the Sheffield show soon that is one of them

26:21Colin The Caterpillar:where you've just got to say summit what his dad know about the caterpillar when he said he he's just got to say summit knowing that it's bullshit yeah you know it's bullshit I know it's bullshit we'll never speak about it again That fella's not having as nice a time as our were, Dad.

26:37James W. Smith:The castle fella's in its cocoon.

26:39Colin The Caterpillar:One's just landed there. You fuckers just ashamed me in front of an 80-year-old woman. I've just been listening to your Friday podcast through the van while I deliver parcels. Get to a house and jump out to the customer waiting. Only to the noise of you three making fanny fart noises. I run back to the van to turn it down. only to get back to the granny and she says it happens

27:13Colin The Caterpillar:I go bright red and I'm still not sure if she was talking about the volume or funny farts

27:22Colin The Caterpillar:oh dear through the noise again what was the noise it wasn't the pull of the cheek was it

27:28James W. Smith:I've spat everywhere what was your what was your fart noise as a kid, did you go lips on arm or did you go double hands?

27:35Colin The Caterpillar:No, I go hand under armpit. Oh, that was a skill.

27:40James W. Smith:Can you still do it? I don't know.

27:42Colin The Caterpillar:I think I tried the other day randomly where I wrote this, but... Oh, shut off!

27:48Chris Stonadge:Shut off! Oh, a bit sweaty.

27:54Colin The Caterpillar:Yeah, you've still got it. That is a fanny fart. Yeah, it is. I used to be able to do it hand under my knee. Hand behind the knee in one of them.

28:03James W. Smith:Yeah, no, I've never been able to do that.

28:09James W. Smith:We're going to have a quick break with a message from one company. Would you like it to be?

28:14Colin The Caterpillar:I think I'd like it to be NordVPN, please. If that's all right with you two. It's not looking here. Is it? Ah, brilliant.

28:21James W. Smith:Our favourites. NordVPN. If you're not using it, what are you doing?

28:26Chris Stonadge:Tell you what it is good for as well now with these new laws. you know don't you I know I know

28:32Colin The Caterpillar:what you're on about John

28:33Chris Stonadge:you know the new restrictions restrictions on age verification and all that for certain sites right what I do bounce it to Columbia job done well if you

28:48James W. Smith:don't know what NordVPN is you can bounce your location to anywhere in the world perfect for watching sports abroad or watching abroad sports over here yep or watching water sports that sort of stuff

29:00Chris Stonadge:yes

29:02Colin The Caterpillar:one thing that I was wondering is the security still watertight is it

29:06James W. Smith:you know even with the water sports going on not a drop getting in not a drop so passwords

29:11Colin The Caterpillar:bank details everything's still firmly under secure

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29:26Colin The Caterpillar:I think there's just one more question for me but have we got a bit of an offer or?

29:29James W. Smith:Have we got an offer? All you've got to do, click that link in the description and you get a heavy, heavy discount and a 30-day money-back guarantee. I've not stopped using it for three, four years now.

29:45Chris Stonadge:Same. Yeah. I'll be using it a lot more than what I used to.

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30:32Colin The Caterpillar:Tell you what we haven't spoke about. The flipping proposal. Yes.

30:35James W. Smith:Have you got it there? Let me just get it up. We missed it last week.

30:38Colin The Caterpillar:Yeah. I've got it here if you want it.

30:40Chris Stonadge:By the way, fucking hell fire. I've got it there if you want it.

30:44Colin The Caterpillar:Right. Morning, chaps. Oh, the title. Thank you, lads, but it didn't quite go as planned. So do we need a bit of context? Somebody messaged a couple of weeks ago doing a live proposal due to the first proposal. Been pissed poor. Being weak. Thank you, lads, but didn't quite go as planned. Morning, chaps. Me again with the outcome of the proposal. Unfortunately, it didn't go well. She happened to be away this weekend with her mates in Mallorca. So I had to act quick as I knew someone would say something before I did. my idea was to video call her and listen to it on call together but sadly when i did facetime her she accidentally answered and to my surprise she was getting her back doors smashed in by some fella my guess is he was a spanish native a lot of sentences in spanish like essa de una hamosa canoe which i later found out translates to that's a lovely fucking tuna canoe the Rodri the Rodri looking fucker must be an avid listener too now you've read that I'm sure you've worked out I'm joking it is true she was away with her mates in Mallorca and as we have mutual friends that listen to the show I know she would have heard it before I got to listen so I dropped her pals a message and said do me a favour get her to listen to this tonight and video it which they did she fucking loved it she did a photo for me to send in no lingerie though I'm afraid lads but Parky if you still wish you smell her farts you were more than welcome to more you than me in that one that's for sure done an amazing job of reading that out for us really appreciated kudos to you Chrissy boy there isn't many podcasts out there that deliver what you guys do and in what sometimes can be a world of shit you shed a lot of light on it weekly again thank you lads and of course that invite to my beer remains up the fucking kosh

32:46Chris Stonadge:it's on this is the one shall we I'd go to this one

32:49James W. Smith:I've never been to Marbella what's it like I've got a bad experience

32:53Chris Stonadge:in Marbella me I had a knife to my throat

32:58James W. Smith:why did you have a knife to my throat

32:59Chris Stonadge:it might have been my own fault when we were away we pressed him was it when you nicked the steak no that was after

33:07Colin The Caterpillar:was it the same night

33:08Chris Stonadge:yeah yeah so somehow we're in this back on the back street there's a front and the back street there's bars or whatever and somehow I've ended up in the DJ box, right, with two pints in my hand and I must have been, I was blind drunk. I must have been spilling the milaga on the decks or whatever. So there's little Spanish fellas come, like waving his hand and shouting at me in Spanish. I'm like, fuck off, pal, I'm only having a bit of crack. Next thing we're getting thrown our arms up back. There's just bouncers running from all of the pubs and that. Bouncer got me, pin me up against wall, and this little Spanish bloke came out of booze with a knife.

33:50Chris Stonadge:Put a knife to be thrown and gave me a telling off in Spanish.

33:53James W. Smith:You see, I've on previous episodes said, you know them nights when you're just being mischievous and doing stupid, and you've gone, no, no. You've poured beer over the DJ's desk. I haven't poured it, I must have just spilt it. But you've also stolen someone's steak.

34:09Chris Stonadge:Yeah, that is outrageous. This is later this. So anyway, the knife incident calmed down. I didn't even realise what had gone off myself. I think it was Morgz. Morgz went, what about that fucker? I said, well, what's gone off? He's just had a knife to your throat. I was like, what? I genuinely didn't even realise what had gone off.

34:30Colin The Caterpillar:So then, I mean, that's enough to knock you down a pic or two, isn't it? Yeah, you just calmed down.

34:36Chris Stonadge:But no. This is even worse, this. This is intentional knobheadness.

34:42Colin The Caterpillar:And if you put yourself in their shoes, you are absolutely.

34:46Chris Stonadge:So again, I think it's me and Morgz, so it's probably another two or three hours later. We've left the nightclub. And I was blind drunk at that time, so I was even more drunk now. Might not have even been a nightclub because there were people eating. But walking on the front in Marbella, there's a couple having the meal, a couple of steaks. And I've sort of gone in, shimmied through the tables, picked a steak up off the ladies' plate, Took a bite, put it back and left.

35:17James W. Smith:I don't use this word lightly, but that's cuntish being. Yeah. Disgusting. Outrageous.

35:24Chris Stonadge:Yeah. When I found out about it the next morning, I was mortified. Mortified. And I don't know why I'd done it. I never done what else like it. I probably need to chip off some of this. Not Nathan Blake on a nice restaurant. Romantic meal for two. Was it ribeye? I can't remember. I can't remember the cut or the not that I had it at all peppercorn sauce but yeah that is just having a dip just having a dip in it just taking a swig of wine and all and the floating blue cheese yeah that's one of probably the biggest cuntiest thing I've ever done I would say and I was like next morning I was thinking what would I have done and I think I'd have I'd have thrown a chair at me you know as I'm walking off doing I think I'd have smashed me over the head with a chair

36:10James W. Smith:Chewing as in furious or chewing the steak I would chew my steak why not

36:17Chris Stonadge:the only way I could have got any more country was to be fair it's a bit well done that innit you need to do that in the medium to be fair

36:23James W. Smith:he's got to do more though her husband

36:26Chris Stonadge:and I bet you she told him that as well are you going to accept that I don't know if it would just cost me and Morgz and we're obviously both big lads or what when I found out about it I would more mortify that than having a knife to my throat I don't feel like an absolute moron. Is that on a part with knocking someone's beer out of their hand or worse? I think it's worse. That's definitely worse because you're

36:47James W. Smith:taking on a stranger there. I'm the lady. You're spoiling probably their holiday if I'm honest.

36:54Colin The Caterpillar:In fact, I think it's in the top five most disgusting acts I've ever heard.

37:01Chris Stonadge:It was 60, 70 years ago, lad. I'm not going to feel bad about it now.

37:05Colin The Caterpillar:I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I can't imagine you doing it.

37:08Chris Stonadge:I know. if it were you and your missus and you listen to the show I really am sorry, get in touch and I'll send you the money for the steak well, 80 % of it

37:22Colin The Caterpillar:you licked your fingers as well, on exit then the chef's kiss

37:27Chris Stonadge:yeah, good steak compliments to the chef I did feel bad to answer your question, my beer's just full of a lot of pretentious prickness isn't there

37:36Colin The Caterpillar:depends where you go, I went in the summer didn't I and a stag doing that was good. I enjoyed it. But if you want to... If you're with the right company. Yeah.

37:44James W. Smith:I suppose you can be anywhere with the right company, can't you? Hmm.

37:47Chris Stonadge:Mm-hmm. Maybe not Blackpool.

37:51James W. Smith:No, but even if you're in Blackpool with your mates, you make your own fun, don't you?

37:56Chris Stonadge:I feel a bit sorry for Blackpool. It's just gone, isn't it? Yeah. It does be like, all right. No, it's just a good... It needs a tsunami.

38:02James W. Smith:Clear it out. Start again.

38:05Colin The Caterpillar:Yeah, but even when my dad had poppers in Blackpool, and he used to go he had this fancy dress is it Max Wall? do you know Max Wall? he has no it wasn't it was Kenny Everett he has a suit but then there's nothing at the back right yeah and he had a thong on and he'd been on the poppers and he gambled on a fart oh no not not with the arse exposed yeah and after poppers apparently the thing is your bum hole doesn't it

38:33James W. Smith:yeah that's yeah

38:34Colin The Caterpillar:so I shit yourself and he had no Was he just shit on the floor then? Yeah, he's had to give it legs. Can you imagine just the shitty arse disappearing? Don't strip. He wasn't with my mum at the time, and he was with, I think it was a group of lasses that he was entertaining mid-conversation, shit his pants and just ran. To be fair, it's brave fighting, isn't it? Yeah.

39:00James W. Smith:How come he's on the poppers? Is it a regular thing?

39:03Colin The Caterpillar:I don't think so.

39:05James W. Smith:Somebody's bought something.

39:06Chris Stonadge:I went out for a bit of cracking.

39:07Colin The Caterpillar:I once gave him a snooze in the Sun and Players lounge and he ran to the toilet and was being sick everywhere. You just knew that was going to happen. No, you only say so much, can you? Like, Dad, don't. Dad, honestly, you'll feel sick. Dad, you need to go up. He says, I remember there was only two toilets in the Players lounge and they were both locked. And he said, he's tried it. you know when you need to be sick you need to be sick in a hurry there was somebody in it so he's waited and he said I always remember you know that keeper that used to play for Wolves the big lad Murray he said he comes walking out Matt Murray and he didn't flush the chain like I was sick on his piss

39:57Colin The Caterpillar:that's just like a thing I'll add on to the story I was sick on his piss but yeah He shot himself in black pool.

40:11James W. Smith:Interesting facts, gents. Did you know that one in five men in the UK experience changes in sexual performance as they get older?

40:20Colin The Caterpillar:I didn't know that.

40:21Chris Stonadge:I didn't know it. Surprising? No. No, I didn't know it, but I can believe it. Better or worse? I think you get to a point where you get better at it and then things start deteriorating.

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40:54Colin The Caterpillar:And that's brilliant because I know, like you, John, spoke openly. You've documented your troubles on the podcast a few times. Standing on. But I do think confidentiality is... makes it more comfortable to talk about as well. Comfortable at home.

41:10James W. Smith:Might not want to go to the doctors.

41:11Chris Stonadge:Yeah, exactly that. That's the thing, isn't it? It's tough for a man to go to the doctor and say, look, doc, I can't get it up no more. Yeah.

41:19James W. Smith:Yeah. Or premature as well. We've all been there early bath. It'll be easier, won't it, just to get on the computer, speak to someone confidentially. It can be a bit embarrassing, can't it?

41:29Chris Stonadge:Massively. Shouldn't be, but it can be.

41:31James W. Smith:Well, it's hard to feel like yourself when personal health issues affect you, but MedExpress is there to offer a discreet and convenient professional guidance. And get this, chaps, write this down, John. Visit medexpress.co.uk, that's M-E-D-E-X-P-R-E-S-S.co.uk to check out your eligibility and get£40 off with the code COSH.

41:59Colin The Caterpillar:That is a very good offer, Chris. It's one of the best ones we've done. Yeah. And it's going to be a big weight off your mind, isn't it? Yeah. Because it does get us all down. I'm going to get on this, mate.

42:09James W. Smith:I'm going to be like a stallion next week.

42:12Chris Stonadge:A bit extreme. I would say more Shia Pony.

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43:18Chris Stonadge:Quick question. Yeah. Do you think in your lifetime you had more wanks or pints?

43:27Colin The Caterpillar:I saw that video.

43:30James W. Smith:This is when we need the top trump cards on the clouds again when we're dead. These are the stats that I want.

43:37Chris Stonadge:So I'm just going to do a bit of maths. So I've been masturbating for approximately 32 years. I reckon on average three a week. since five a week so five times five times a week I think it's more than that five times 52 you wank him five times a week not now but back in I once had seven in a night watching Red Chuba

44:05Colin The Caterpillar:are you thinking it's less than or more than

44:08James W. Smith:five times a week

44:09Colin The Caterpillar:him though oh yeah don't forget I'm a wanker

44:14James W. Smith:true yeah when you're younger than that if you weren't with your bird

44:18Chris Stonadge:than that. You'd have one a day, wouldn't you? This is average, this. Go on. Five times a week, that's 260 a year. Times 32 equal 8 ,320 wanks. Approximately. You've had more pints. I've had fucking plenty more pints than wanks, aye. Do you think? Yeah. 8 ,000's a lot, though. Yeah, but you think... If you have a 10-pint session in a week. Yeah, that's two weeks worth of wanks. But do you? I suppose again, it's you. I do, yeah. I have 10 pints a week. Maybe not all in the same session but I would have thought so on average. Even when you were playing? Yeah, it was like Wednesdays, Saturdays, didn't I?

45:04Chris Stonadge:Some Sundays.

45:06Colin The Caterpillar:But then, it's over less time. So it's not 32 years. Yeah.

45:11Chris Stonadge:I've played for 21. I started going out. When did you start drinking? 16, 17.

45:16James W. Smith:and what age did you put on your wanking debut

45:20Chris Stonadge:12-ish I've only missed out on 4 or 5 definitely more pints I would say everybody you're more pints than wank

45:28James W. Smith:I think we all are a lot of wanks maybe not Matty because he doesn't drink much and he wanks a lot

45:39Colin The Caterpillar:Matty's at the total end of the other spectrum he's still 5 a day man Matty

45:46Chris Stonadge:it's a lot isn't it 35 a week let me just do the maths how old are you matthew 35 times 52 equals when were your first wank matthew are we going 12 or 14 we go 14 14 what age are you at 33 we've got 19 fucking hell matt you've had you've had 34 500 wanks how old were your first one oh dear 12 yeah 12 and i can remember it just still same now you're just dribbling on at the top and then i'm like just inspecting it for ages

46:26James W. Smith:when i i didn't go conventional i used to just like rub against mattress yeah yeah but I don't think I knew I didn't think that was a thing you lost him he's in it to a

46:39Chris Stonadge:silent night yeah

46:42James W. Smith:but I didn't even know not the hippo I didn't even know what a wank was so I must have just been laying in bed like

46:48Chris Stonadge:thinking this is alright it feels nice I don't think I would have admitted that on a podcast would you no so it stayed in we all if that's not him by the way I'm not coming next week if you're on strike if you edit that I'm not coming next week

47:01James W. Smith:I think I was really

47:03Chris Stonadge:late no early 10 you're fucking dirty to me 11

47:09Colin The Caterpillar:it just made us feel a bit sick because I wrote us as 7 now I'm thinking nah

47:13Chris Stonadge:because I was an early on the ratio yeah how many people have you slept with well I've slept with 12 women talking size

47:30Chris Stonadge:sofa bed when I was in Butlands one weekend. Soap a bed. And a shoe. I've sat a couple of caravan beds.

47:41James W. Smith:Like I said, I was very young. I can imagine there's a bit of friction, Bert. You know, like, you've got the rhythm right. I had a lovely evening with a waterbed once. On your own?

47:55Chris Stonadge:What do you mean? I think it was your own. It didn't really happen. Oh, right. It's like dry humping, innit? You had sex on a waterbed. I don't know if I have. I can't commit to that. Yeah, I am. Yeah? I don't know what I'm making the most noise. Me or the bed? I bet fucking hell were you pounding on her. I bet she'll have seasick.

48:17Colin The Caterpillar:The matches were just dear. Now we're getting it all on the table. I had a conversation with Louise the other day, and she's unsure whether our Eden was conceived in your spare room. She thinks she was. or it was a toss-up between your spare room and somewhere else. Remember your party?

48:33Chris Stonadge:Yeah, well, that's where me and Katie put it down to. Is it? Yeah. And it's an incredible effort, by the way, because there were five pizzas. So you've had sex after a lot of pizza. Yeah. You ought to call the Barnsley. Royston. Royston Brown. Wellfield. But yeah. I think she was conceived at our house the only thing I've got to confess is that she came into our room for a piss kiss you want to sleep

49:12Chris Stonadge:I went down for a piece of pepperoni she went down for a piece of margarita one thing happened that led to another at the fucking fridge

49:24Colin The Caterpillar:Both pizza in hand Anyway Put that to bed and all Missing cat and grandad doesn't give a fuck It doesn't matter if he visits somebody Or do you have sex with somebody else's house Do you think it's rude?

49:39Chris Stonadge:He won't hit kids' beds You know what I mean? With Paw Patrol bedding on

49:49Chris Stonadge:I've been sex looking at the edge of I was listening a couple of weeks ago

49:55Colin The Caterpillar:about the squashed cat that wasn't a cat and it reminded me of a story when I was younger I grew up in a small village in Leeds and put it this way, you did anything stupid and the whole fucking village knew about it one day loads of posters flew up around the village about a missing cat and if anyone had seen it. I can't remember the name, so we'll call it Jess. The parents and young kids were seen on regular occasions walking around the village shouting for Jess, hoping it would turn up. Little did they know they were wasting their time. So after a couple of weeks, my grandad, God rest his soul, came round for Sunday dinner and the conversation turned to the posters and the missing cat.

50:37Colin The Caterpillar:My grandad turned round and said, well, they won't fucking find it. my mum, his daughter and my youngest sister who was about 10 at the time said how do you know? well he said I ran over it and put it in the bin bag so it's in the wheelie bin bold as brass with zero fucks given we still laugh about it to this day up the fucking cosh

51:06Chris Stonadge:different mentality though isn't it? yeah I think there's a different mentality on the animal as well yeah you know like you know if you if you were driving and a pigeon flew in front of you and it hit your wings mirror and obviously brown bread you'd be like it's a pigeon innit yeah if you hit a dog then it's totally different some people like how cute it is I mean I have I spoken about when I hit the deer on here yeah I felt fucking terrible for a deer because I like deers. They're cute, aren't they? Bambi were nice, weren't they? So I felt terrible, but if I'd have hit a... Badger? No, because I quite like badgers.

51:55Chris Stonadge:If I'd have hit a... Squirrel? Loads, isn't there? Yeah, loads of them. So I think it depends on what animal you eat.

52:06Chris Stonadge:Yeah. If I knocked a cat over, I'd be like that's really bad but if I knocked her fucking dog over oh same I'd be I'd be mortified just the fact

52:22Colin The Caterpillar:that the grandad's obviously seen these posters and family look and he just hasn't said now well they won't fucking find it

52:32Chris Stonadge:savage isn't it when you think about it almost as if he knows best they'll not fucking find that

52:38James W. Smith:We've got time for an interesting fact.

52:41Chris Stonadge:Oh yeah, I forgot about that. I'm not 100 % confident it will be interesting.

52:45James W. Smith:I'm going to go confectioner.

52:47Chris Stonadge:By the way, you had a bit of, well, that last week or the week before, we shared a bit of praise from, some people said it was a good fact. It was a good fact. Because it was a good fact. Two people.

52:57Colin The Caterpillar:Well, yeah, two. We put two in the group in response. Because the silence was golden. Come on, watch today's.

53:04James W. Smith:Today's, I'm going to go, why is, why is the 99? called the 99 ice cream.

53:10Chris Stonadge:Because they didn't want to charge a pound too much. I feel like I know this. I do and all.

53:16James W. Smith:I think I might have said it before when we've been getting a 99. Go on. Because the flake, obviously in every 99, was the 99 creation by Cadbury's.

53:29Colin The Caterpillar:Ah, that's more like it.

53:31Chris Stonadge:Good fact. Good fact. Do you like a flake?

53:35James W. Smith:Messy though, aren't they?

53:36Chris Stonadge:Do you know when you have a flake in a 99 Do you eat the ice cream first and leave your flake till the end?

53:42Colin The Caterpillar:No. I always block my flake off. I get the flake off and use it as a bit of a spoon. Scooper.

53:47James W. Smith:Do you break the bottom of the corn off and go for the suck at the end?

53:52Colin The Caterpillar:Yeah. That's the best bit. Right at the end.

53:56James W. Smith:Yeah, break the bottom off. Maybe even make a little ice cream. Pretend you've got a normal size one and you're really small.

54:02Colin The Caterpillar:Yeah.

54:02James W. Smith:Eat it and then suck.

54:04Colin The Caterpillar:Remember screwballs? Yeah. Don't make them anymore, do they?

54:08James W. Smith:I had to give a stool sample to the doctors once and he'd give me a pot and the spoon was exactly like a screwball. Exactly the same spoon. Oh, a little plastic. Yeah, and I was dying for putting a little bubble gum at the bottom of my shit.

54:23Chris Stonadge:I thought you were going to say that you shot down an ice cream cone to get it in.

54:31Colin The Caterpillar:I went big last night. Ribs, pizza, pasta, chips. from Italian Express. Remember the ribs? Oh, aye. The barbecue juice. Did you eat all of them yourself? All of it myself. 12-inch pizza. Remember when I left here? I was starving. I know I was hungry myself, but I can't eat all that. It's a lot, innit? The ribs are good from the alive.

54:57James W. Smith:Do you know, when you've eaten that much food, do you feel sluggish and do you feel fat afterwards? It doesn't sound like it.

55:03Chris Stonadge:He says, didn't we have sex last night? He went, yes, I did. Pizza again, innit? Gets him horny.

55:11Colin The Caterpillar:Yeah, I feel bloated.

55:13James W. Smith:Do you have a coping mechanism to feeling bloated? Just lie down. I'm a pillow hugger.

55:21Chris Stonadge:Oh, yeah?

55:21James W. Smith:Yeah, I get a pillow. Shag it. And pull it.

55:25Chris Stonadge:Oh, by the way, I apologise, Rose. I've done fucking 180 fucking pillows in all of your time.

55:32James W. Smith:That pillow needs to come in again. It does it. It does it. there's fellas everywhere

55:39Chris Stonadge:housekeeping

55:42Colin The Caterpillar:yes go on live shows Doncaster should we confirm the guests Billy Painters in Doncaster with us exclusives Friday the 21st of November yep

55:52Chris Stonadge:Sunday the 30th of November Garrison at Barnsley Luke Steele

55:58Colin The Caterpillar:Blackburn Friday the 19th Mad Friday is it Mad Friday I think it is Mad Friday

56:05Chris Stonadge:That could be a tough gig for us, that lads. I think I'm going to get it even worse, aren't I? Oh, God bless you. You beauty. Matthew Kilgallen. Kilgallen again, yeah. We gave him his trial, didn't we? Gave him his trial and lead. He was good. And he passed with flying colours, so we're taking him to Blackburn. Yeah.

56:21James W. Smith:All the tickets are on the website, apart from Barnsley, but we'll get that on the website soon, but there's only a few tickets left. Sunderland as well, but it's sold out. Where are we going to go out after Blackburn?

56:32Chris Stonadge:Where will we go?

56:34James W. Smith:Preston. I don't think Blackburn's much I mean let us know but I don't think there's much cop for afterwards

56:41Colin The Caterpillar:would you if you shagged a sofa would that do the job

56:45Chris Stonadge:probably I've done if I'm honest what about what about like the back seats of a Ford Cortina yeah oh Rose you'll be not believe how many cars I've walloped leather now though

56:55Colin The Caterpillar:I've got leather seats easy wipe has there got to be a certain type of firmness thread thread count does it all depend on no no

57:04Chris Stonadge:Is cotton or polyester better when you're making love to a bed? Cotton. This is up there with a Pokey Bunwang to this. He's a fucking animal, by the way. He is an animal. He is an absolute fucking animal. If you've not grasped it, the man is a fucking sex pet. What?

57:19James W. Smith:Went continental with a chaise loan once and all.

57:22Chris Stonadge:Did you really? It's the foreign stuff.

57:25Colin The Caterpillar:They're always leather then, not like a firm leather.

57:28Chris Stonadge:Must have been a challenging one. A lot of times they've got the buttons in them. Yeah. Yeah, is that how you finish it? That's where you chuck it in there. Chuck it in. All right, up the gosh. Thanks for the memories.

58:04James W. Smith:Friday Club. It's all here on the Friday Club!

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