Friday Club | Coppins Revenge

29:24I said to her you're going to have to start thinking about jobs you give me look and honestly I'd fucking I'd be showing for days you know with a father's old saw that one how long before he'd give up and went for a nap honestly it was just depends on what I've had my breakfast I flippant worry just to say oh can you show them three conifers dad but what my thing is so obviously we've got these railway sleepers to somebody for free and it's worked karma has had a good turn for us. Him and his mate have got 44 sowing trees down and trees have gone and she's happy and sleepers have gone and everybody's fucking happy.

30:10I intend to do a bit of sowing. What did you do while they were doing job? I watched it telly. Watching them do it. I've got a confession here lads. Oh go on. Alright lads, love the podcast and Friday Club is the highlight of my week on the way home from work on a Friday. Blah blah, fuckity blah. This isn't a sex type confession guys, just a revenge confession. I'm currently on my sunbed in sunny Spain and thought it's the right time to make a confession to someone I know listens to the podcast and also get your thoughts. So here goes. 15 years ago I started a new job as a tyre fitter. I was on the late shift.

30:55All alone as it was my turn to lock up. It was just before closing and this bloke walks in. My immediate thought is, what prick is turning up at this time on a Friday? Wanker. Anyway, he explains that his motor is booked in first thing at the garage Saturday morning for its MOT and he thinks it's going to fail on a tyre. So I get the bright red Audi TT in and he's right. He then explains he's taken his missus away for the weekend on Saturday afternoon in the car so he needs the car to pass the MOT. I think typical bloke leaving everything till the last minute and crack on fitting the new tyre.

31:3520 minutes and all done. I go to the office, print his invoice off and say£140 please mate. He says sound, I'll just get the wallet out of the car. Off he goes. Five minutes later And now after we have officially closed He says I can't find my wallet mate I must have left it at home So here I am It's Friday night And I just want to fuck off down the pub So he promises He'll be back in the morning With the money I think fuck it And let him go Having got his name Address And phone number So Saturday comes And guess what That's right He doesn't show up I call him and he's deaded the call. I leave a polite message and tell him to call me ASAP.

32:22Nothing happens. Now I'm fucked. The gaffer, he'll be in Monday morning wanting to cash up and do a stock check. So I thought, what do I do? The gaffer's going to think I've either nicked the tyre or I've nicked the money. So I put the money in the till out of my own skyrocket for now and I'll keep chasing the cunt until he pays me back. Right, so this is on his toes because initially I thought it was his garage and he just had to take the hit. He just had to lock up and obviously the boss is going to come in and do the check. Over the next few days and weeks I keep calling and he eventually blocks both the work number and my own.

33:04Cunt he says. Now I'm a lover not a fighter so I put it down to experience and think move on and let karma do its work so about a month later on a Sunday after footy and the pub my mate has given me a lift home and as I put my hand in my bag to get my keys this piece of paper falls out it's only the invoice for the tyre having had a few to drink I think fuck it now it's time I gave karma a helping hand there on the invoice is the address and it's en route from the pub to my house. I tell my mate and he's bang up for it. My mate's a bit of a wrong 'un and says, I have a penknife in the glove box.

33:46No, we aren't going to kill him. We're going to slash my tyre. We're not going to kill him? We're not going to kill him. That's a relief. That's a massive relief. You don't want to be complashing that on here. Plan hatched. Off we go. He drops me at the bottom of the road and I calmly walk down the street and there it is the bright red TT. I justify it to myself that I'm only actually slashing my own tire as I did pay for it after all so I have a look around and the coast is clear I bend down as if I'm gonna do my shoelace and give the back tire a quick stab and the tire is hissing like an angry snake then I think fuck it and I stabbed the front one too.

34:33I don't know what came over me. So I jump up and run up the street, meeting my mate at the end of the road. Mission accomplished. So, Monday morning comes around and I'm back at work. Around 10ish I see a truck turn up and on the back, what do I see? You guessed it lads. A bright red Audi TT. I think fuck, I'm about to see that cunt, but why would he bring it here? I was wrong. In walks the recovery truck driver accompanied by a tall hot blonde girl. I'd rate her a 10 out of 10. Absolutely stunning. She walks up to me and before she even says a word she bursts into tears. The recovery driver explains that she's had two tyres vandalised and needs them replacing.

35:23I act all innocent and shocked and then send one of the lads to get the car in while I try to comfort the lady. She explains to me that she's having a terrible time. She's just thrown out her boyfriend because he was cheating on her with one of her friends. She also said she'd only just had one of the tyres changed. Her now ex sorted it for her and it cost her£200. The cheeky bastard took£200 off her and didn't even pay me for the tyre. Proper cunt. so feeling guilty and sorry for her I do her a great deal and discount the tyres from£280 for the pair to£250 what a nice guy I am he says honestly one of the good guys you know top of the ladder while all this is happening I get the distinct feeling we have a little bit of a spark oh fucking hell almost flirty so as I'm handing over the keys I think fuck that and I ask her if she fancies a drink to cheer her up to my surprise she says yes.

36:25Anyway, that night I end up round hers walloping her, probably in the bed she shared with her ex. Haha, who's having the last laugh now? So, you're probably thinking who I am confessing to. Well, while I'm laying here on my sunbed, to my right is a tall, hot, blonde lady.

36:47yep the one and same woman i met 15 years ago she loves the podcast and has no idea how all of this came about but it was me i slashed one of the tires and one of mine i've been married to katie for 10 years and we have two boys darling i hope you'll forgive me as it all worked out in the end up the cosh that's a wink then that is an incredible story unbelievable isn't it yeah that's sensational that is that's it that's right up there that do you know what I hope he listens as well oh yeah the super cunt see I would always question a fella driving a red TT yeah I was with you John I would say he's a dick the bombshell there is 15 years later and she's well she just found out now I'd like I'd like to think that indirectly he slided the 250 back you know what she did have to pay that is karma innit yeah but it's all worked out for everyone speaking of karma well not for flipping the thief he doesn't deserve the good karma him does he he took 200 snotters off her that is incredible listen to this yeah brilliant I'll give a clap to that one did he say that they're married yeah we've got two kids been married to Katie for ten years and we've got two boys that's sense I'd like Katie to email him please yeah that could have been one for the speech I know, he's played a blinder oh yeah flirting with her he knocked her 30 off at all don't forget yeah that probably sealed the deal that see I'm I think I might do all well you're in you're in for a penny you might do all four ain't you he was probably like a bit nervous wasn't he thinking he's going to get yeah it sounds like it was out of character in the first place but he's probably five or six deep he's a bit merry got a spring in his step fuck it fuck it fuck it he's done one I'd like to think his mate doesn't still carry a pen knife round in car I'd like to think he's thrown that out 250 quid for the pair

39:06that's one of the six sense twists that isn't it

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41:49Can you see that? you can get razors Chris shavers that just take them off I'll get them I'm like a geography teacher I'll pluck them and then the next day they're back anybody else got any tips for wild eyebrows? just get a cheap razor off Amazon you get a proper eyebrow thingy and it just takes the thick off my brother goes to the local gym loves a sauna either after or on his days off or whatever. And you always get locals in, regulars, don't you? Same old faces. And he said he's been in loads of times and they all speak about the podcast. And he joins in a little bit and dips his toe in and what have you.

42:35But never mentioned anything about me being his brother. He says he went in the other day and there was loads in. And one of them's gone, hey, you're a kosher, aren't you? and my brother's going aye aye I like under the cosh yeah and they were talking about Stewie Downing episode and I think they asked him could you remember what happened with the the contract or whatever so he said he couldn't remember I don't think he's even watched that one but and he just thought I'm going to go for it he went you know it's my brother don't you Chris and he said the lads couldn't believe it he said they stood up giving him a cuddle and that like naked sweaty cuddles in the sauna naked sweaty cuddles he said I felt so awkward it wasn't an Arsene Wenger sauna is it here you're a cosher aren't you funny I'm going to go in here I'm just trying to find it now oh here we are it's a bit of a follow on but hi blah blah etc I was listening to trouble in bedrock on my commute home and nearly crashed a car when I heard the story about Coppins.

43:47Do you remember, is that when he went to Holland or something? Yeah, the male escort. Yeah. High-class escort. Coppins! I think I might have met him. Coppins? I can't be sure, but there are a ton of coincidences, similarities, so I need your help to decide. So, I travel with work regularly, usually solo, but sometimes with a workmate. This time two of us, me late 20s, my mate early 40s were spending a week in Maastricht Was that the same place? I think it was Yeah it was To pass the time on a night we usually go for tea then get shit faced On one of the nights my mate got talking to an older woman I'd say late 40s with a good body You wouldn't call her pretty but might say she's handsome Picture Steffi Graf or Oliver Kahn with tits get on board with Steffi I'm not too sure about Oliver anyway the night was coming to an end and the lady had to leave so gave me my mate her number and told him to text her back to work the next day and out for some food after a few beers in and it's pretty dead so my mate texts Steffi Graf and she replies saying she is out with a few friends result we head on over and she is sitting with three other women, all stunning and in their mid to late 20s.

45:15A redhead, a blonde and a brunette. They are a cunty mile out of my league. But as I'm talking, I get the feeling that I could be in here, particularly with the redhead. So I start to try it on with the brunette to really get the redhead forming at the gash. At the gash!

45:36It's a fucking risky ploy, that, isn't it? Chatting a mate up to try and make her jealous. She doesn't give a flying fuck, so I revert back to being normal. My mate is now tashing on with Steffi, but I can tell he's a bit fucked off that he's got the raw end of the deal. The night goes on and Steffi invites us to an after party. We get a taxi and it's at this massive mansion of a house. There's no music or anything going on and we walk straight in. This is my friend. I can't remember the name. he's a small balding man in his late 60s and he's in a wheelchair he pours a few drinks and we kind of all sit down when the redhead takes my hand and takes me upstairs Bob on we are getting down and dirty she's absolutely incredible pale little nits and erudivis fangita erudivis eh?

46:32is that the league? Premier League innit? a little time goes by and I hear the bedroom door creak and in walks the blonde. What the fuck's happening here, I wonder. She cloths off and I think I'm dreaming. One thing leads to another and I'm now in with both of them. But it's getting a bit much for me so I'm trying not to blow my load. Luckily, what happens next sorts me right out. I hear the door creak and think, fuck me, it's the brunette and she's wanting a good topping and all. Netherlands is amazing, but no. Good tupping. The old man wheels in in his wheelchair. Squeaky wheel and all. He sits there and just watches whilst I'm on the job.

47:22He's not wanking, but looking me straight in the eye, which is helping me out, actually. Then it dawns on me, how did he get upstairs? I wonder if Steffi Gaff gave him back it, or did he climb up with his arms? And if so, how did he get the chair up? then I notice it's a different chair one at top one at bottom the other one didn't have a squeaky wheel and it's pretty too and it's too soon to need a good WD40 in so I'm pretty sure he's climbed up and done the old wheelchair switcheroo but there's one further step up from the staircase so anyway it doesn't really matter I hope he's not I hope he's not thinking about this at the actual time yeah he's got more sidetracked had he by how Coppidge has got upstairs how the fuck has he got thrusted in how the fuck is he he's got I think he's got one hand up a tuppy he's thrusted in from behind and singing how's that cunt got upstairs he must be top chair bottom chair stanner well he never saw a stanner did he must not have seen a stanner dumb waiter as I'm as I'm thinking about this he slowly wheels himself out and I finish up.

48:35What a night. We don't stay the night as we're up early the next day and I think my mate has tennis elbowed from fingering Steffi Graf so wants to leave. I like that little tennis quip. I didn't see him again so couldn't ask about the wheelchair stare situation unfortunately. So, what do you think? Do you think I have met Coppins? It sounds far too coincidental not to be him. If yes then the other listener bailed on what could have been the best night of his life. Any further theories on the wheelchair stairs are welcome. Thanks, Mickey. That's got to be Melita then, hasn't it? Yeah. The older lady that sex trafficked.

49:16Yeah. Can only be. I think the regular occurrence. It's got to be them, isn't it? Maastricht, wheelchair. No one coppins as well as I do. That is him all over. It's classic coppins, isn't it? It's classic coppins. He never mentioned a squeaky wheel, did he? now Bert if you remember he bailed and shit his pants didn't he yeah he did get to the top chair they put the brake on him early they did if you remember I wouldn't put it past Copping to purposely have a squeaky wheel on the top deck you know so so you just know when you're coming in tent at dozen you go in at it and then you just hear

50:03Quick look over your shoulder. Like a power move. Yeah, there he is. It's a bit creepy though, innit? It's a bit misery innit? Yeah, a bit haunted house. If you remember the first guy, he got off but got paid, didn't he? Yeah, they tried to take him to a place that didn't exist. His mate googled the place and it wasn't there so he shot his kegs. it sounds as though he would have had fucking the night of his life I think we've like cracked a a case European sex ring here I feel like Jessica Fletcher how has he got upstairs you think he's ever been to one of them pubs where they pull your pint up on one of them thingies a dumb waiter is that what they call them and you're just up on the sliding door and your pint's there yeah mind you from what we've heard I wouldn't put it past that he's fine he can walk he's just he's just part of his kink he just gets out of his chair runs up and gets it to roll he's just claiming Pip isn't he

51:06he's just claiming Dutch Pip a fucking dirty twister strange that he doesn't have a stroke though not a stroke as in an elf is you but don't have a little stroke or his old dodger yeah the pervy stare isn't it that's enough He's got cycling gloves on, so he doesn't get blisters on his hands when he's wearing his chair about. You know, then with fingerless gloves. Maybe that's... Fingerless. Yeah, fingerless gloves. Maybe that's why he doesn't stroke, because he had to have that gravelly... When you have some old goalkeeper gloves on, you know, it rubber went down fingers. That kind of gravelly grip on them, don't they?

51:47Yeah, I want to be stroking with that on. Can you imagine the... And then ten minutes later, when you go in again, and you just hear the rip of the Velcro as he takes off his right glove.

52:0215 love. It's got to be. I reckon Graf took him up. Do you think? Over at Sheridan? Over at Keith Boulder, yeah. Gives him a tap on arse before she puts him in. Just stop fingering me for five. I just need to take Mr Coppins up. Are you ready for this one, lads? I haven't read it, but... Bride kissed best man. What should I do? All right, lads. Long-time listener, first-time emailer, blah, blah, blah, and all that. Please keep me anonymous for reasons that will become very, very obvious. So, about six years ago, I would go out regularly with a couple of mates of mine. Let's call them Duncan Wright and Mark Phillips.

52:43And their partners, who we will call Susie Oak and Belinda Twiggs. I like Belinda Twiggs. I was single at the time, but I got on well with Susie and Belinda generally. so I didn't mind being a fifth wheel and we always had a good laugh. When Duncan first got with Susie we thought she was pretty sound. A little odd but was a good laugh. However, she was a bit weird with me. Nothing major but I just got a little bit too close at times. Invading personal space and sometimes there was the odd sly stroke of the arm but so subtle that I questioned whether it was on purpose or not. Anyway, she never said anything.

53:23I just felt a little uncomfortable, but I just thought I'll keep my distance from her for a little while. So, we would all go out quite often, and this one night in question, around 18 months ago, we had a heavy one. We were all staying in rented accommodation where we went out in Newcastle. When we got back to the place, I was ready for crashing out and went to get in my bed. I'd gone into my room and got into bed and shut my eyes. The room was spinning inside my eyeballs And already I knew tomorrow was going to be a rough one When all of a sudden I hear the door creep open And I ever so slightly open my eyes And see it's Susie I was presuming she'd come to ask me something I just thought I can't be arsed with her I'll just pretend I'm asleep Next minute I hear her walk in and creep towards me when all of a sudden I can feel her face edging towards mine and before I knew it, her lips are on my lips.

54:26Now, he's got time to move, hasn't he? Yeah, but he's asleep, isn't he? He's like, oh. Come on, Christopher. Come on. Now, I'm still pretending to be asleep at this point and think, I can't move so I don't reciprocate. I wouldn't do that to my mate. and wondering in my head, what the fuck is she doing? I didn't know whether to wake up and ask her what she's playing at, knowing how carnage would ensue for the rest of the night and I would likely get fuck all's kip or just pretend to be asleep. I chose the latter. So she turns round and walks out and I do manage to get straight asleep. So here's the thing.

55:07I'm 95 % sure that happened. When I woke up the next day, I'm certain that's what happened. But in my drunken state, I couldn't be sure if it was just in my head. She acted so normal the next morning. She didn't say a word. Didn't act shifty or anything. So that made me question myself even more if I had just dreamt it. She acting so normal was like I was being gaslit to question myself. Anyway, nothing's happened since. Susie seemed to back off a bit and was less in my personal space when we were out. And what I would say was more normal and we got on fine. Duncan has now decided he's going to marry Susie and has asked me to be best man.

55:50I've debated on whether I should tell Duncan about that night or not but I know I could only be 95 % sure it happened and knew Susie would just deny it anyway and potentially lose my friendship with Duncan. I told Mark about it as he was there that night and he agreed that it was best I stayed quiet as no harm was done. I still feel guilty about it from time to time though and I didn't really do anything wrong but guilty that Duncan doesn't know what Susie did what would you guys do? Has enough time passed now and nothing has happened since meaning that I should just forget about it and let them get married?

56:24All the best lads up the cosh from let's call me Eric See, do you know if he'd have been lactose intolerant He'd have shot on her She's creeping towards him we could have let an almighty pump out, wouldn't it? I think that would have got us to turn around and back off. I mean, straight off the bat, he's got to say nothing, has he? Yeah. Or being a bit... No, I think he's making a bit more out of it. You've got to say something straight away, I think. Yeah. But I don't think he's making that... It's a bit... I don't know. It's a big thing. She's gone into his room and kissed him, Chris. Right, yeah.

56:59But, I mean, could it go the other way as well? You know, you're a sleepwalker. Are you a sleep kisser? you know could she have been sleepwalking they've all had a few drinks it's a kiss innit and a peck at that not even a tongue good crack on the best man speech to bring it up I think that's the perfect time perfect time if you're going to just out her just after she's got married I think bygones be bygones let this one slide I think especially because she seems to have let it die, let it lie. Yeah. He's not 100 % either, is he? He could have dreamt it. Oh, I think 95 is probably not far off.

57:44There's that bit of doubt, isn't there? Imagine saying to the husband, I'm almost certain that she came in to kiss, as it sounds a bit, right? Could have been a ghost. Yeah, well, there's plenty of them kissing ghosts. yeah it's gone it's gone on to just leave it now I think and don't you know when you say you feel guilty from time to time I don't think you need to feel guilty he didn't reciprocate did he conscience is clear would you think he'd have walked up if she slid her hand under sheets started having a little flick with the old Mickey that's a whole different story innit that sorts the wheat from the chaff if you're asleep you're asleep aren't you

58:31that's it no blaming the late that you're doing if you're fucking fast don't just start ghosting you're off can you just while we're on the fantasy football you have got today to join the league it's Premier League starts tomorrow but yet you've got to the end of today if you're listening on release day to get your team in the under the cosh league did we agree on a prize yeah two weeks in Barbados and I promise you I will win this fucking league I promise you I'll win this league I've got the bloody login details I'll be winning this league don't you mark my words so how do they play Chris so the link I'll put the link in the description but it's all on social as well we'll have it up on the socials today as well as a last minute reminder but if you've done your team you literally just put the pin in for the league and you're away.

59:29Ah, right. Best to my bloody team then. Yes. I tell you what, I will have the cheapest bench in history. Whatever's the cheapest five players, six players, however many subs you have, they will be all my bench. Yeah, they're not getting the game all season, are they? Ah, they will when they get injured. Any other business? No, I don't think so. One more episode will we have on the old Zoomie? Maybe two. Maybe two. Went away for a long time, weren't you? Right, lads. Are you taking your cosh top? Yeah, I'll take one. Get one in a... I might go and watch Into Miami. But what do you think? It's 80 quid.

1:00:11It's 15 quid to go and watch Orlando City. And they're playing two games while I'm there. And one of them's Into Miami. And it goes up from 15 quid to 80 quid. But the one... Do it. Probably the only opportunity I'll have to see Messi. Would you? once in a lifetime Chris I'd definitely do some sort of dirty protest though what shit yourself I'd do something I'd do something to cost them 65 quid break a seat or something fucking it's fucking scandalous innit sorry I've got a gluten tolerance well to be fair depending on what game is if we are fucking fat you're going to be you'll fucking break it when you sit on it anyway.

1:00:56I didn't mean it. I had a corn dog at half time. You've got skid marks on your seats. I think my skin looked fantastic. That showed them, didn't it?

1:01:09Right, chaps. Right, have a good one. Have a fantastic holiday. Very good. Up the cosh. Up the fast cosh.

1:01:24Weekends here, get in that pub. It's Friday Club. Bing, bang, vosh. With all of your favorites from under the cuss. So if you want to share a story or relive a formidory. Futter the wheat or clapping them cheeks. Maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank. It's all here on the Friday Club.

1:01:47It's all here on the Friday Club. Close your eyes. Exhale. Feel your body relax. and let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-CONTACTS. Oh my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-CONTACTS.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-CONTACTS. I want to date with rules, Carti says. Rawls? Rucker asks This is the love story of real hinge couple Carti and Rucker Written and read by me, Nicola Dynan Listen to the free audiobook now