Friday Club | Death By Hillman

28:14It's a flight job, isn't it? Massive fan. It's a trip, isn't it? Yeah. It is a trip. When we landed, my dad was like a child on Christmas Eve. He couldn't stop talking about the meet and greet. Hopefully it's Ken. Or Steve. Or at least one of the Fitbirds. Just as long as it's not bloody Gail Platt, he repeated multiple times. With an evening to spur before the big tour, Myself and Dad went for a few pints while my sister and Mum went for a bit of a shop. That's a proper family, like, it's just your stereotypical family trip, isn't it? Dads go for a pint, girls go for a bit of shopping. After two pints, my Dad's excitement was too much and he decided to call it a night.

28:58However, as we made our way back to the hotel, my Dad and his excitement forgot we weren't in rural Galway anymore, strolled out onto the road and got a fairly hefty belt off a taxi. Disaster. It's not a couple of other. After a brief panic, thankfully, some good Samaritans helped and we got an ambulance on the scene to get my dad to hospital. Unfortunately for him, not Weatherfield General. Thankfully, upon arrival, it looked like there was no long-term harm, but he had still broken a hip and plenty of cracked ribs. So let's give him a right belt then. He's had a crack, bless him. Being a typical tough Irishman, he didn't complain once, but it was a relief when the doctors filled up the painkillers and he began to doze off.

29:48I felt awful for my dad, and my mum too, who was worried sick. There was no hope of poor dad making it to the Rovers the following day. Eager to make good, I said I'd pop to the local shops and get some bits for us all. What happened next is still one of the most mental coincidences I've ever experienced. I shit you not, lads, in the crisp aisle of the local supermarket was Richard Hillman. Or at least his actor, Brian Capron. He's an horrible bastard and all, Hillman. In leather gloves. I approached Richard and asked him what brought him back to Manchester. He said he was in a show up there and was loving being back in the city.

30:35Fuck it, I said. And I chanced my arm. I explained the whole story of my dad and asked him if by any chance he could pop into hospital and visit my dad. He couldn't have been any more obliging. Same for a serial killer. Well. We don't get a bottle of bad press. Let me tell you lads, this kind gesture was a big mistake. As I strolled into the room, my dad was half asleep. Dad, dad, wake up, I said, and he began to come to. Next thing he spotted, Richard. His eyes widened like a cartoon, but rather than delight, his monitors started bleeping and he began to cry in his drugged up state. I'm dying, I'm fucking dying.

31:22Jesus, save me. Jesus, save me. I said, you're not dying dad you're fine, you're fine I must be fucking dying because Richard fucking Hillman is here

31:38to bring me back to where he cried to end a long story short I quickly smuggled Richard out the room and my dad calmed down and fell asleep he still thinks it was all a dream thankfully dad recovered fully and last summer him and my mum got to go into the Rovers and met Kevin Webster. Up the Corrie, up the Cosh, a Galloway Coshier. Outstanding. He must have just thought, he's come to kill me. Illman's come to kill me. Just coming down on him with hands. By the way, incredible from him. Illman. Oh, aye. Whatever his real name is. Brian Capron. Yeah, brilliant from Brian. Yeah. That is funny. What are the chances, man?

32:24you could have been in the chocolate aisle and he's in the crisp vice versa are you doing a down to the end of the aisle first quick google of his real name Brian I think he likes being called Richard do you think yeah Richard

32:41the only way it could have been any better is if he'd have walked his dad up and Hillman had got his hands around his neck and been like having gloves on looking over him yeah it might have been too far We're too far. You thought you were dead when you were on end of bed. Imagine all beeping going off. Thinking he's fucking brown bread. This is me. I'm off. I'm dealing Manchester. But no, fair play, Tim. Yes. Well done, Brian. Yeah. Yeah, fair play. Sometimes the non-sexual ones are good, aren't they? Not always, but sometimes. Have you got that erotic one from last week? You want me to go with that one?

33:21Yeah. Like I said, just a pre-worn. Give me a little bit of a twitch list when I read it last week. Clear your throat, Chrissy. I want a sexy voice. I want to be turned on. The face mask. That again. The face mask. On my Boris-approved hourly walk during the strange events of 2020, I would often see a fellow dog walker that instantly caught my eye. well out of my league looking like an Irish Natalie Portman outstanding don't know why Natalie Portman you're googling her yeah well carry on Chris over the course of a couple of weeks a simple hello led to socially distant small talk Portman's good pre-arranged dog walks and the swapping of numbers until one day I went full Yogi Burr and showed up with a picnic basket blanket and even treats for the dogs What a romantic bastard.

34:22That's nice, isn't it? That's where they're blind at. As a surprise as well. You know, he's just, you're going for a dog walk and there he is with a full basket. She's just had a dinner though before she sets off. Risky. What, you're going for the picnic? Scotch eggs? She's going to get... Sandwiches? Beef Canadian. State Canadian? State Canadian, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to go... You've got a wrap with tinfoil and stuff. I'm going to go ham, tuna and beef. Selection of sandwiches? Yeah. Since you can... Bit of fruit, grapes, plummeted grapes. Tuna's not great on the mouth, you know, for afterwards.

34:54Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of, you want to smooch after. It stays on the palate, doesn't it? Anyway. Takes some chewing gum. Getting to know her, it transpired that she moved to the area in January of that year to work at a local hospital. So with her family back in Ireland and her friends settled with partners, we soon buddied up and the courtship started to blossom. Given the circumstances, things were understandably slow. But after around two months, I suggested she spend the night at mine, which she enthusiastically accepted. Wasn't that against the rules at the time? We're not bothered, are we?

35:35Nice food, funny film, bottle of red and a night of passionate lovemaking. What could possibly go wrong? After dinner, she offered to do the washing up, so I made my move. Approaching from behind, I started kissing my way from her ear down to her neck and over her shoulder, lightly pulling her hair with one hand and squeezing her bum cheek with the other. Good as well. Textbook manoeuvre. Pulling the hair's a bit risky first up, innit? No, I think he's gone with... He's like, I'm seeing it as caress the hair to one side so he can access the neck. I'm seeing it as him fucking... She can't concentrate on Pops if she's getting her head ragged about.

36:20Playing well so far though, isn't it? Yes. It did the trick. Her hands reached round and grabbed what must have felt like a bollard. It was throbbing. I picked her up and carried her upstairs.

36:49I was just about to compliment his detail. You know, he was quite breast and bum, and then he's gone in with Champions League tuppy. I carried on where I left off in the kitchen, kissing my way around her body from her neck over her breasts, stomach and hips but before I could go any further she slammed the brakes on what's wrong? shit I forgot my pill have you got any condoms? yeah I bought some today the presumptuous bastard are they latex free? she asks I'm allergic to latex you see at this point you're thinking she's blocking is she not feeling good in the whole hog? I bet she's clothed off, isn't she?

37:35She's let him kiss all her body. Yeah. No, just the standard Durex, ribbed and dotted for your pleasure. You never mentioned, she said, it's because of my pill. Sorry, we can't have sex tonight unless we go to mine. Not wanting to ruin the mood, I did the gentlemanly thing and told her it didn't matter, there's always tomorrow, knowing full well that some things can happen. And they did. so he's happy with a gobble in it yeah and a wank we were in bed together for hours and did everything except sex she never made me what? she never made me come either and as frustrating as it was I hadn't nipped to nowhere for over a week in brackets it was still fucking incredible I'm trying to you think it's because she's not doing it right or she's like getting to that point and then oh backing off and she's wanting a big explosion the matrix and teases she's wanting fireworks isn't she we both fell asleep naked and knackered that next morning I woke her up bloody hell the next morning I woke up to her lips wrapped around me picking up where she had left off the night before she climbed on top of me pushed her She put herself against me and started grinding.

39:04I don't know if I can do this. Pushing herself against me, she started grinding on my shaft and teasing the tip.

39:16This is like a... Are you hiding hard on there? You are, aren't you? This is like an honorary for... Jilly? Jilly. Come on, keep going. It's right there. so close to slipping in and I can see the lust in her face as she bites her lip then all of a sudden she slides down onto me and slowly teases me until she takes it all and their facial expressions I'm looking at here I'm under strict orders to let her take control and I do things gradually start to build and it didn't take long for her to climax. Using what can only be described as sorcery, I managed to hold off coming. He's thinking about his mammy, isn't he?

40:08He's thinking about something he shouldn't be thinking about. But after a brief respite, she goes again. Only this time she's riding me like the winner in the Grand National and she's about to orgasm again. There was no holding back this time. I was about to blow.

40:29She slides off, and given the position, I was now stirring down the barrel of a heavily loaded gun. Boom! I'd been caught in the firing line. I didn't just take a few stray bullets of friendly fire. I took the whole armoury. In my mouth, up my nose, in my ears, I was covered. Oh, my God. He blurted on his own face? He blurted on his own face. Oh no Once I managed to open them I could see the look of shock on her face We both just stirred at each other for a few seconds Then simultaneously burst out laughing She joined me in the shower Enjoyed round two And five years later We have two twin girls And are getting married next week Oh up it is So whilst I did give myself a facial I didn't do too badly out of it Moral of the story Maybe nip to Norway a day or two before the big event Up the cosh P.S.

41:30Should I tell this story at the wedding?

41:35I kept waiting for the smith to go wrong Well I think he did in the end You can deal with that Is this one of them where you're disgusted in I don't want my own Harry on my face Yeah ideally not But I wouldn't say it was I've had it done before What? Somebody else's. Did you write that ladyboy question in? I've had it done. So you've exactly done your own face before? Yeah. How? What do you mean? What, just from the fire up? Very similar to that, probably. You've got to keep the safety on. Fire it in the opposite direction. See, I've never been a squirt. I've never been a shooter. I'm Lionel Messi you're always in Norway 12 days in Germany still not a shooter just pass me on the wing and I'll just dribble through the defenders is it just like limp just a spew just appears and just then starts trickling down like drop it like spilling a tin of beans like just like you know you know if you just knock a candle and it comes over the wax comes over the top and then it settles a bit like that you've come on your own face before on purpose no he's laying his back with legs above his head

43:00no you're just like a Catherine wheel no I've never been especially when he said a few days that's when I thought I can see what's what's coming here a few days in the tank John it's very rare I get three or four days worth there we go try it no I don't want it what about after your knee I must have been Lionel Messi I can't believe Have you ever come on your own face I'll try and avoid it Not a fault You're on my shoulder or something How far up do you start thinking which way am I going to go Like a sniper's dream It's like where you get stuck in the door with someone Have you ever come on your own face Not a false splodge but droplets Yeah it's never been like a full batch where I'm like oh give us more I'm going to want with your tongue out I'm just being caught with debris see that's a good I would say that's a good two foot shoot in it it's a long torso isn't it you want to be at Olympics if you get it a month you could ejaculate further than your mate could spit I was thinking of Don Ho then when you said it no he was different ball game have you ever if it has been a long time maybe you have got involved in sexual intercourse and you don't need to withdraw have you ever withdrawn anyway just out of curiosity about how far and how much they'll be no I've never turned it into a game he's not 16 Chris I'm just out of interest there's going to be there's going to be a lot here like getting a ruler out I'm putting like 2nd October 19 2012 like you're measuring a kid yeah trying to get it as high as you can at wall how to ruin a moment for her as well let's just pull out when it gets at wall and then you get your ruler out you get your tape measure out and go bloody hell 4 foot 7 that's a new record that getting your sharpie out at wall kids heights No, no, that's how far it was.

45:16Ejaculate. What's date again, love? No, I've never been a shooter. No, that's good to not. Well, you know now, don't you? But I'm really pleased it's all working out. I hope the wedding went well. And that picnic game, that were a game changer. Especially bringing the dog food as well. Yeah. That's where the battle was won. Yeah. I can't believe you can come on your own. face. Did you not know it was a thing or are you just surprised that I've done it? What do you mean a thing? Did you not think you could get that far? Get the projection? Anybody? No. Never lived, John. Got it now, wouldn't it, if it gets in your hair?

45:58I honestly think it's gone in my hair before. That's even further. It's a big old forehead. Yeah, genuinely. The forehead? How's that turned into a personal attack? Because I'm thinking it's got another six inches to go up from your face to your hair. to get over my nose it's going to get past the nose go on then any other flaws for my unfortunate features pause this is a message from our good friends at NordVPN it is how was that any good better than what he normally does quick break and play okay quick break and play you caught me by surprise then it was almost as good as like the NordVPN doorman who stands next to your password words and your bank details stopping everybody getting in with that heavy heavy protection heavy heavy hand not today fraudster heavy heavy protection you're not on the list you're not coming in no well if you don't already know what no vpn is it's absolutely perfect for bouncing your location to anywhere in the world we've spoke about it many times and we if you want to watch sports tv programs in different countries bounce your location back to the uk get on your different streaming services or vice versa if you want to watch something that's only available abroad perfect one thing i am unsure of though have they got an offer for us or for the listeners viewers told you many times i know you're a bit forgetful i think it was a bit of a uh rhetorical question i think you knew the answer well i'm gonna tell him anyway yeah all you're gonna do click on the link in the description get a 30-day money-back guarantee and a heavy, heavy discount.

47:37How about that? Sounds good to me, Chris. I have used it so much in this last couple of weeks, you know, since. So, yeah, click on the link in the description and get that heavy, heavy discount and a 30-day money-back guarantee with NordVPN. Good crack or too far? Hi, lads. Me and my best mate have been listeners since the Craig King interview and have been buzzing for the Friday Club every week since you started. Blah, blah, blah. I want your opinion if the below is good crack or gone too far. Now the lad at the brunt of this is Jacko. No need to keep him anonymous, as in recent episode, Parkey had a rant about the price of M &S bags.

48:19Well, this lad texted me claiming it was his idea to introduce this. He didn't go on about the business benefits, but my head blah, blah, blahed that bit out. So it's that cunt who was charging. I'll tell you what, we'll charge people 99p for bags So he must work for M &S My mate Jacko has been the brunt of joke for many years And one big respect I have had for him Was how well he takes them on the chin And can even join in and take the piss out of himself Bit like you Chris Taking it on the chin Jacko in his younger days had a reputation for being like Jay from the Inbetweeners with the outrageous stories he would come out with of shit that happened to him on nights out when he was on his own.

49:05One of us had pulled, either left pissed or disappeared to the takeaway. Next day, Jacko always had an unreal story of an amazing house party he went to, fights he got into, often involving knocking out bouncers and shagging models. So it's Jay, isn't it? We all knew he was full of shit and confirmed it one week by checking with the bouncers, while they let him in when last week he had fought with them and knocked someone out on the dance floor. The doorman laughed and explained he left at the end army now in one of the town's unugliest birds. It's just that things are happening and he's just totally twisting at me.

49:45Also, on one tip away, we all woke up rough and he was giddy, explaining he had been to a private party with a villa, DJ full of models, ex-Page 3 girls, blah, blah, blah. The usual, when one lad awoke and asked if he was okay, he had seen him flat out in a shop doorway fast asleep. He's even twisted. Just complete fabrications. I don't understand why. I don't understand. So me and about six good mates used to go on a yearly boys' trip, three nights abroad, usually an all-inclusive shithole. If it's all your clothes in a trunky, yes, we walk through the airport as grown men, carrying trunkies and very, very heavy drinking.

50:25him. The year of Covid stopped the yearly trip but the year after we incorporated one of a lad's stag dues due to him wanting to have it in Lanzarote. Now given we had missed a year this was going to be a big one for us all. So the year of Covid I think you'll all agree everyone started to become very strong and opinionated with their political views this year. Jaco was one of those people. He refused to take the vaccine. I was fairly laid back and rightly or wrongly took the vaccine as one plus it made going on holiday easier. Now Jacko would often fill the lads' groups about political stuff slagging Boris.

51:02The time come for our holiday and as Jacko didn't get the vaccine and slated us all for being sheep and getting it, he had to pay for a test at a certain facility and take the paperwork to show he was fit to fly. I saw this opportunity to have him over. I made a second lads' group without Jacko and explained to the lads we should get one of our wives to ring him and make out he failed the test. He wouldn't be able to make the holiday and advised he should stay off work and self-isolate. All the lads thought this was great crack and Perry offered up his girlfriend at the time to make the call as she worked for the NHS and had a great phone manner.

51:40The day came. Holiday Eve. All the lads there excited like kids on Christmas Eve. It had been two years since our last lad's trip and three for Jacko. So the time comes, the call goes in and Perry rings me struggling to speak through cries and laughter. He eventually explains that Jacko had fell for it but he ends up crying on the call. He sounded guttered and he wanted to tell them the truth straight away. I checked he had recorded it which he did. As we are speaking his girlfriend is in the background saying she feels awful. It's the worst thing she's done and we must tell him straight away.

52:20I pleaded with Pez to put the recording on the new group chat. The recording showed Perry's girlfriend making an outstanding performance, passing the news, and Jackal's response was classic. He fights his case, saying he had followed guidance. He doesn't feel ill, and can't see how it's come back as a fail. He then goes quiet, and she checks he's still there, and in the softest, clearly crying voice, he says, You don't know how much I've been looking forward to this trip. it's been three years Ben speaks about his mental health blah blah blah he's trying going down the mental health to try and get to change your mind he's still going to be out playing love, I'm sorry I'm not bothered I watch you're struggling love, you're not fucking going to be out playing listen an hour goes by, I've calmed down from the laughing, shared recording with loads of people, my phone is ringing Jacko word has got out to him he was fuming demanding to know whose idea it was having it out with them he demands the recording is deleted and he's very offended about the second group with him not in and demands to know what had been said in it i coughed up told him to calm down and it was all a laugh to get us in the spirit well the day came and on route and in the airport he got ripped for it and we shared the story with anyone who would listen.

53:43He calmly eventually took it on the chin and said I'm not bothered, I'm going here on the piss with you a lot, it's a matter of time before someone does or say something else to take the limelight off me. He was right and they didn't even check his paperwork at the end.

54:01It was forgotten about, especially when it came out after a few hours on the stag the stag had been having a wait with an older lady. oh needless to say the wedding got called off and the stag is now happily housed up with his cougar who he used to refer to as his auntie in his younger years but that's sort of a story all together it's a twist yeah but then it's gone and he's stagged up but he's been shagging an older bird and what do you think lads good crack or too far Parker give Jacko a shout out please as some abuse for claiming he had the idea regarding M &S bags he has some important job in their head office.

54:39He claims, and often speaking about the company boring, is boring in itself. Hope you see a live show in Borough, Parma, whatever, blah, blah, blah. So do you think that's too far? No. No. I think if they'd have stopped him going on the holiday. Yeah, if he did not. Yeah, I thought that's where it was going to go. He's a cunt anyway, isn't he? Yeah. For the bags. I wasn't sure if that's part of the lie. You know, I thought he just claims. He works on fruit and veg. He works for Tesco's. That's brilliant. I think it's a brilliant wind-up. The fact he's gone. But like you said, I think if they'd have stopped him going, then that would have been too far.

55:21But the fact they've revealed the truth. What if you really didn't like him? He's part of your friendship group, but he sounds a bit... If he's getting a bit carried away with Boris and politics and all that. And there was a bit of you like, I don't want this fucker to come. Are you putting Another group chat Shall we just Just fake Yeah that would be too far Do you think Yeah Would you do it though If You really didn't Like someone Like you couldn't Be in his company Like didn't get around in and that No You can't be going to the extremes Of Yeah Of inventing a Failed Maybe chipping in and giving me the money back Just because you don't like somebody I know Ruin that Yeah Yeah you're right Getting someone ring up to say he's had a false test.

56:11The missus has played well and all, hasn't she? Oh, aye. I think she's gone in thinking it would be a bit of fun. And then when he started crying, she's gone, oh, God, what have I done here? Yeah, I've gone too far. Because they're different women, aren't they? And we'd all do it. We'd all put the sob story on, thinking this nurse on the phone's just going to go, do you know what? You're right. Don't forget about the ring. Get your scent off. Don't worry about infecting everybody on the plane. You get yourself off. We'd all do it, wouldn't we, I think. Oh, I haven't been away for five years, man.

56:41Fuck. I've been saving for three years. I've been all the distancing. I've washed my hands. I've wiped my nose. I've done everything. I've honestly got no symptoms. I'm speaking to you with a mask on. Oh, yeah, good, that. Yeah, good crap. And not too far. Nah. See, I was going to see if you thought this was too far. We went to Ibiza. And it was a group of my mates and we met up with Billy Jones and his mates. And the first time we were staying in different hotels. So it was me and my mates in one hotel and we were meeting Billy at a pool party. But we told one of the lads that it was fancy dress and the theme was wrestlers.

57:25And bless him, it's the same lad that wangs on his knees. Bless him. He just gets bullied, bless him, doesn't he? I know, so months before, we're sending through ideas to each other, saying, oh, I think Hulk Hogan, and I said to him, you need to go Big Daddy. Just a good, solid, fancy dress. Tell you what, he's in line of fire as well for a facial, on his hands and knees, and he'll lift his head up. I know. And we'll have to see if he's ever been done. Ever been done by himself. Anyway, I came to it, and he's quite gullible, So I said mine was arriving via Amazon to the hotel. So he's come down on the day.

58:07And I said, oh, we're waiting by the pool. And he's giving it the big walk. Dress head to toe in. And he's fuming. He said, you said you were a fancy dress. I went, oh, it's me thingy package is delayed. It's getting left at reception.

58:26So anyway, long story short, he's gone to this pool party dressed as Big Daddy, and nobody else did.

58:35And I've just been laughing at myself, thinking, like, is that too far? Big Daddy is just basically a swimming costume as well, isn't it? It's like a black... Yeah, one arm, one shoulder. See, I think that's good. It all depends on who the victim is. If you know it's somebody who's... Who can tech it? Yeah, if you know it's somebody who's going to have a laugh with it, fine, and roll with it anyway. You've just got to roll with it. You've just got to hold your hands up, haven't you? But if it's somebody that you know's not going to get the ump, spoil the day. It just made it better because he was that gullible.

59:03I'm asking, is he's thingy and going back? I said, I'm going back to the room now to get changed. I'm asking the receptionist, is there a parcel come? Making it as authentic as possible. Has he just seen you and you and only you? No, there was me and a mate. So is he not going, where's yours? Well, obviously it was a dual package, wasn't it? We're both. Obviously. The other than both was the same time to be ordered to the same old self. The receptionist in broken English, broken Spanish, a parcel, and he stood there dressed. Can you have a photo of it? I will have. I'll have a video somewhere.

59:40If we did it to each other, I think that would be, but we'd all take it on the chin, wouldn't we? Yeah. But he was in the taxi. Because I write meeting 15 minutes. Yeah. And we were obviously in the taxi. How did the rest of the day go? Brilliant. Did he just stay as it? or did he go over and get to it yeah no he didn't he went with it you've got to own it haven't you yeah and I can imagine he got a bit of attention because of it yeah I think he saw he got Kevin Debrown in a headlock and did the Pearl River plunge see if that had been him I'd have thought he just made that up I think he got Kevin Debrown in a headlock he did he was there that day Nicky Beach it was called that was the Pearl party don't forget your lease tickets Yeah, final warning for Leeds.

1:00:26Yeah, Leeds this Friday. And I'll tell you what. Saturday. This Saturday, we do a little Friday Club section, don't we? Yeah. If you come in with any of your mates, should we call it Leeds Confessions? Yeah, or any stories on your mates that we can read out. Yeah, on your mates. Or on yourself. Stitch your mates up. They don't know that you've emailed it in, but they will know after. Fridayclub at underthecosh.co.uk as usual. but just put your title Leeds Confession obviously quick sticks because it's tomorrow well it doesn't take long to send an email does it no I was going to say then could you get away with winding your mates up saying it's fancy dress and they're the only ones turning up fancy dress but it's probably too late we probably just give the game away also put on the email which show it is that you're at whether it's the afternoon or the evening still a few tickets for the afternoon show.

1:01:23Sold out for the evening. Yep, looking forward to it again. I'll tell you what, the link's in the description for the tickets if you go into the website. But they are on the website under the kosh.com. That was lads. Yeah. Thanks for the memories. Up the kosh. Up the kosh.

1:01:44Hey, hey, it's the Friday Club. The weekend's here, get in that pub. It's Friday Club. Bing bang bosh with all of your favorites from under the cuss So if you wanna share a story or relive a form of glory Butter the wheat or clapping them cheeks Maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank It's all here on the Friday Club

1:02:10It's all here on the Friday Club That's the sound of zero sugar, 200 milligrams of caffeine, and the power to burn body fat. Storm energy for life storm energy blend helps boost metabolism which in combination with exercise and a healthy diet helps burn fat this product alone does not produce weight loss individual results may vary