Friday Club | Dirty Bum Line Up

32:29Cautious. Friday Club is incredible. Blah, blah, blah. It's a long one, so strap in. Got a cracking story for you which should get a laugh. Unfortunately, at my expense. I would say keep the names anonymous, but that should be easy because I can't remember what the lady in question was called. Maybe don't mention my name, though, as I'm now married to my missus of 10 years. there's a lot of stuff happens in australia the story starts when i arrived in australia 2015 a horned up single 25 year old living away from my hometown and my parents house for the first time in my life fair to say i was arriving with three things in mind play rugby get on the piss and chalk up as many rides as possible I got off to a flyer.

33:21Six days in, two piss-ups later, I chalked up my first ride of the trip. A solid 7 out of 10, who I later found out has become a muff diver. Not sure if anything to do with me, but we'll leave that one there. A muff diver. Unfortunately, this was a bit of a false start. the next six weeks were full of rugby piss ups and absolutely zero female interaction after the dry spell it was time to start hammering tinder I pay for the app for ultimate swipes desperate times however it was starting to prove worthwhile as the matches were coming in thick and fast as someone who is probably a 4 out of 10 for looks I decided to swipe right for as many fours and above just to try and get back on the horse.

34:13This could be you, George. He's a fart, George. Then comes the big weekend. Bank holiday weekend, you know. George, terrible timing. George, I know you want to remain silent on this front, but just give us a sign. Has there been any action since we last talked?

34:45Predictable Yeah, he's going to be well into his 40s I think in mid-time he's had another ride Bank holiday weekend in Australia Pint Saturday, no ride Pint Sunday, no ride Swiping tindy in my bed Monday morning Hungover Horn fully engaged Then within five minutes I matched a girl who lived within two kilometres of me She obviously had the same hangover horn the dream message fancy a morning cuddle Jackpot now it's fair to say she was at the bottom end of the 4 out of 10 ratio if I'm pushing for League 2 promotion she was at risk of being relegated to the National Leagues the only thing keeping her in the league was her massive fun bags think Carlisle United but we've primed Dwight York up and Andy Cole up front but needs must within 30 minutes of the message i was knocking on the door i arrived to her in nothing but an oversized size jumper delightful we are both in this for one thing straight to the bedroom it is within five minutes a minimal small talk the foreplay has begun she was wetter than an otter's pocket which i do like that terminology not sure if she'd warmed up for my arrival or just really loved chunky scottish blokes the panic stations for me soon as she touched my banger i knew round one was going to be a brief encounter banger i just got a little firework and it's perfect

36:36in any of in any other situation i'd have been delighted with her next words i want you to fuck me on with the condom in brackets her request and i got on top and fired in i barely had chance to lift her legs over my shoulder and I could feel the tickly bitch darting. Disaster. 90 seconds later, I became the two-pumped chump. Think Jim from American Pie, but at least I got my dick inside her. If you think this is bad enough, sit tight. Fair to say she wasn't impressed, but I confidently told her I'd go again soon. Off she popped to get us a water and then soon as she was back i started working away at her again finally the wee fella had some life in him i slipped on condom number two and we go again this time a far better performance my own version of the karma sutra hammering away like nobody's business fair to say the moaning noises and the squelching noises on every thrust she was enjoying round two much more After about 30 minutes Been using every position I know We decided to stop for a breather Disaster As I pull out my banger I realise the condom isn't on anymore After frantically looking on the bed for it I admit defeat and tell her She is fuming Off to the toilet she goes to try and squeeze or pull it out She was in there for about half an hour The whole time I'm thinking I could just do a runner here and block her on Tinder.

38:24However, being the good guy I am, I stuck it out. She eventually came out and asked me to try and help. No success. Imagine that fishing expedition.

38:37Only one thing for it, she says. I'll need to go to the hospital. I'd hoped she'd want to do this alone. What an horrible bastard.

38:52It gets worse. But sadly, the useless fucker couldn't drive. Oh, come on. So off we go. Spent the next three hours in the waiting room on my own while some random girl I didn't know five hours ago had a doctor up to his wrists in her box removing my condom. Not my finest bank holiday Monday, however. It's true what they say. You just need that one girl to get the confidence back up. The next six months were filled with plenty of cup upsets against seven and eights out of ten. Huge thanks to Carlisle for getting me back in the game. Got a few more Friday Club worthy stories if the lads enjoyed that one.

39:33Get a live show organised next time you're in Dubai or just for the Patreons. We can have a big piss-up. Up the fucking cosh. A wise old owl said exactly that last week to our friend Georgie Boy. Yes. just drop standards just to get back in the game just get the wheels in motion yeah as soon as you get an half decent one George you're going to talk the disappointing to I hope you're listening there George just give us a signal you can take an horse to water this hair don't you here he is oh he's put his cap on his hair weren't done I'll get the hair out. I was better than yours, John. See, anybody watching this, can anybody understand why Georgie might be struggling?

40:25Aka. Nah, neither. No. I think you could take a little bit from that, Georgie. Take an off to Walter, Chris. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I don't know. How long? Still go keep the standards high. So how long? So how long's the dry spell, George? Eight. Eight months? Eight? nobody likes to hear that John so that's like Christmas time you're only four months off next time we ask a question saying what year is it yeah it's a tough one thing is I'm getting to two months and I'm just if I use football as an analogy I'm getting one off my arse Yeah but it didn't work out Blackburn did it But I kept I kept trying George You were You weren't even You weren't even happy You weren't even happy to score against Boreham Would it I used to try and score in training Celebrate like it was a match day You've got to You've got to adjust And adapt Yeah I do that I celebrate Celebrate Well you haven't celebrated for 8 months In training No just in training I'm thinking after eight months George you're running around the bedroom where you're shut over your head after a wank doing these slides George after eight months I'm thinking you might have to start going for cousins, like first cousins I don't know how you do it up north but it's not a done thing down there that might be a bit too far that job if it gets over 12 months I'm thinking sisters get it closer to all right do you want another speed pipe yeah yeah just a quick one i hope but something that can get in bin is uh picky eaters what are you doing as a grown man um being like scared of a tomato or a mushroom are you going oh a cat i've got onions in it are you okay like you'll pick up some random bin on a night out and fucking go full monty with them but you're scared of an olive Don't get me wrong, like, you cannot like food, but being scared to try new things or only getting chicken nuggets and chips at a Thai restaurant, it's so embarrassing.

42:51Grow up. Grow up. Like, life's too flipping short to not try a new dish. So, yeah, that can go in bin for me. Thank you. Thank you. Before we go on, did she say bit or bint? Bint. Bint. Good. B-I-N-G. Yeah. Yeah. I would take a tomato off a sandwich. Now, if you've got a ham and cheese and tomato sandwich and there were a tomato on it, I'd take it off. Yeah, but you're not afraid to try new things. No, I don't like tomatoes. And I know it's going to spoil me sandwich, so I'll take the tomato off. But I'm quite willing to try anything. to be in fairness chris i've seen you do this and you do it in an adult mature kind of way but i've also seen big john get a little bit of get a little bit of salad on the top and go oh look at this get this can get off my plate and like throw it oh i just took it at wall at restaurant make a big scene and just look at this shit oh you do do that john well well right back at you Chris Brown so we're in New York came and went to that pizza place we literally got we were on the minutes it was when the sign was going up I think so we're on the minutes street by the slice on the minutes I don't know where you were but can I get two of these Supremes like for me and Gua like one each you order your normal wank with sweet corn and guacamole on it or whatever shit it were right Matty had his normal pizza, Joy did a pizza so I took the pizza to him he went that's got mushrooms on I'm like oh fuck me I've just fought on to get you a pizza it's got everything on like it's got loads of stuff on he went that's got mushrooms on that i'll tell you what happened oh is that not the truth it's not the truth i was outside filming with mattie you've come out and said what pizza do you want and obviously you've been in a pizza shop with me many a time you know exactly what i order i says you order you know what i want you know what i like how many times have how many times have i had mushroom on a pizza with you it weren't it weren't a case of ordering your own pizza to get there were just slices of pizza there and that one was there I thought it's got more stuff on it it'll like that.

45:42Next to the pepperoni or the margarita that I have ordered in his company. So I think what this comes down to again, he couldn't be arsed so he just went I'll have two of them and all I said was I've never had mushroom on a pizza and I went and ordered my own. But could you have had it? I could have done it, yeah. But I wanted my own pizza. Worked out best for me anyway, because I got two slices. So what it comes down to is people that won't just try something. Yeah. Is it going in the big? Yeah. Yeah, just for me as well. Because you don't know what you're going to like, do you? You do remove anything green from a meal, though, John.

46:30I always have my lettuce on a chicken sandwich. It's that, isn't it, this technique for the watchers. The claw. It's like a clawing machine. You know, like you're going for a teddy.

46:51But I like a bit of lettuce on me prawn cocktail. out quick message gentlemen from our friends at salee heroes for you especially john it was certainly we're in america well salee if you don't know is the e-sim service app brought to you by the creators of nord vpm which we love oh don't we obviously know i'm not very technical all you need to do is download the app to your phone install an e-sim so you can use data abroad instead of getting them horrible, horrible roaming charges. We've all been stung with a hefty bill in the past, haven't we? Yes. Since this early, very affordable. Really good prices.

47:34I used it in Dubai and it was very, very affordable. It saves you time as well. You don't need to wait in line. You know, when you get to airport, foreign sims, when they're there with cardboard. Scrambling for Wi-Fi. Yeah. And it's compatible with iOS or Android devices and it offers plans in over 200 destinations. Download Saley in your app store and use the code COSH at checkout to get an exclusive 15 % off your first purchase. The details are in the podcast episode description box. Right, I'm going in chaps. Advice needed. Hello lads. Anonymous please as I'm still slightly embarrassed by the whole thing.

48:15firstly i'd like to back up parky's claim about teachers and their extracurricular activities i've been a teacher for 10 years and can confirm that some individuals are very chris brown-esque in their behavior read into that as you will that's what she says that's slanderous that or he rewind a few years and i'm living with my partner at the time we've got a nice flat in the city we're getting on well and everything seems to be going great after about a year though i notice her becoming more distant the physical side of the relationship becomes pretty much non-existent she doesn't seem to want me to be around me and she and she's constantly going out on work nights out the school she works at was was always having nights out so So at first, I didn't think much of it, but they started to become more and more frequent.

49:12Her phone would conveniently run out of battery or lose signal, and she'd roll in during the early hours of the morning. Ooh. Red flags. Yeah. Eventually, I confronted her about it and asked if something was going on. She swore blind that it was all in my head. So, months go by with me basically driving myself mad, thinking I'm being paranoid questioning whether I'm imagining the whole thing. Then one morning she tells me she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and wants me to move out. It was obviously hard to take but given how things had been between us I decided moving out was probably for the best.

49:56The whole thing absolutely battered my confidence. I ended up living with family for over a year while all the house stuff was being sorted and became a bit of a recluse. I didn't want to go out in my home city. I shut myself off from my mates and I even went as far as driving to a different town just to get my hair cut. Jesus. People would constantly ask how the house was or how my partner was doing and I just wanted to avoid having those conversations altogether. Eventually, it transpired that my doubts about those work nights out hadn't been in my head at all. She'd been having an affair with one of her colleagues.

50:43And, to make things even better, the day I moved out, he moved in. Jesus! That's a straight sub. You can't be doing that. No. But this brings me to my current dilemma. My Sunday football team are a great bunch of lads, but we're constantly struggling for players. A few days ago, I got a text completely out of the blue from my mate who manages the team. He said they've got a new player interested in signing and wanted to check whether I'd be all right with it. You can probably see where this is going. Yeah, I can. The new player is the bloke my ex was having an affair with. For a bit of extra context, he and my ex split up just a few months after, but while I was still with her.

51:37And therefore, while they must have been having the affair, this bloke would regularly see me and try and make friendly small talk. Nah. So he was actually interacting with him whilst they were having the affair. So lads, what do I do? Option one, swallow my pride and play football every Sunday with this knobhead because ultimately it helps my mates out with the team. Option two, tell my mate I'm not comfortable with it and insist he doesn't sign him. Or option three, remove myself from the situation completely. Stop playing for the team and find something else to do with my Sundays. As always, your advice is gospel.

52:21Sorry for the long and slightly serious one But I always enjoy the debate These questions bring up My take on this is It's a bit out of order Is me actually asking him Do you mind? Shouldn't even be a question It's a tough one Definitely do not stop playing No And if he does join Obviously the manager who's your mate's a dick I won't even think I won't even think twice about asking the question personally. Would you mind if he signed? Well, no, I fucking would. I would so don't mind, yeah. I don't think I'd be able to play in the same team as him. No, I wouldn't. No. I just want to rip his head off.

53:03So would you go option two, tell me, mate, I'm not comfortable with it and insist he doesn't sign in? Yeah. Yeah, and to be fair, he's not a proper mate, is he? You can go for a pint and go, honestly, mate, I don't think I can be in the same. Change your room, I said. Then that's... Option four. Oh. Dress up as Mrs. Doubtfire.

53:28Let him join the team. First training session. End his career. Cool. I quite like option four. Just, like, every time he gets the ball, just tackle him around his neck. Yeah. Bosh. But then what if you don't get him right first time and he gets up and knocks the hook out of you? then you go again. Surely you've got the lads back. The lads have got your backs. Surely nobody in that team wants him in. What if he's really good, Chris? There is that. Or if he starts first game, scores four. Yeah. Well, with option four, he ain't making the first game. Well, yeah. First training session of that. Option two.

54:12But option two, from a serious perspective, all your mates are going to understand you're in the team you're established fucking yeah and if you're struggling for players Sal just just play with Ted I'd be a little bit disappointed in me mate if he knows yeah yeah I'd still be a bit raging with you he's going to a different town to get his hair cut that's how much of an effect it had on him but then again you've moved on and you've now got this this new great life and everything There's still that betrayal there. Is there a bit of, obviously they're not together anymore. This lad has got his confidence back.

54:53He's in the gym. He's looking well. He's found a new missus. He's happy. Is there a bit of, he's the bigger person, go, yeah, fucking it, come and play if you want. No, no, no, no, no bigger person. No, no, no, no, no. Till the day I die. Till the day I die, I want to rip my head off. It depends how he feels about the situation now. If he's still really caught up about that. Even if he's not bothered one bit about it, he's still a twat. Even if he thinks that's the best thing that could have ever happened to me, I'm not bothered. Still, he's still done it, and he's wrong, Danny. I might just not be the bigger person, but whatever.

55:33Rather play with seven players. Option two. By the way, Chrissie. Option four. Where are you staying, by the way? Downton Abbey?

55:45Eh? It does look quite regal, doesn't it? But it's not. I'm in the spur room at the minute. It looks a bit like that gaff where you scared us. Yeah, it's got them feels. Have you done much diddling? What day are we on? Five, I'd say three and five. It's not a bad ratio. That's better than normal. Yeah. I did enjoy your stories yesterday. the um the drink the the world drinking yeah it's like a lake where do you get the outfits from so they had they had gift shops in it so basically there's a lake and you walk around the lake and every i think there's 11 nations around the lake like the architecture in a bar and then obviously have gift shops as well so i didn't buy the the outfits just you know how you do put them on it each shop oh wow i just took them outside did your video and put them back in well they were they were outside on racks and stuff so yeah yes but no yes where they wear the sweaty hats and then just put them back on the shelf for other people is that as bad as wiping your icing pool similar there's your dna in that in them arts isn't there by the way anybody wants to buy this it's available at all good bookstores one second Amazon I think or wherever just fuck you George another three months and you're a fucking virgin again you you little twat

57:32where's he gone I don't know just got my holiday reading as well. Oh! Don't tell me we're in the gas. Somebody's left it. Last person who stopped me has left it. Have you read any? No, not yet. I've been too busy shagging, haven't I?

57:56What's the crap with your jabs, Johnny? Have you made a decision? Are you off the jabs for good? No, I'll stay on them for a little bit longer, I think. I tell you what, John. What? Talking about the... You were fat, weren't you? Yeah. I'm not trying to be rude there, but you were a lot bigger. Sorry, fat was the wrong... You were a lot bigger than you are now. More bigger crop. Yeah. I can't even get you all on camera.

58:29Here we go. Is it? Getting jiggy with it. Please keep me anonymous. Massive fan of the show lads and partly you are a York City legend I took my now fiancé on a second date to watch York years back Where you scored a penalty at the David Longhurst end right in front of us Not paying an extra£1 to sit in the family stand even if it was a second date Anyway enough of that shit, I'll get on with the story Back when I was 17, and at the time thinking I was cool driving my Peugeot 206 round late at night with my mates, all in tow in their cars, we'd go out hunting for some muff.

59:16Muff hunted in convoy. You know the obvious spots? Macadies and, well, the other Macadies on the other side of York. one night we all pulled up in the car park and spotted in the distance what we knew to be some beaver we'd not seen around there before we all pulled our cars up to them and i plotted up next to this what i thought was a half decent blonde we got chatting for half an hour and eventually swapped numbers as the week went on we arranged to meet the following weekend at a well-known shagging spot right on York Racecourse. I was there first and awaited her arrival. Eventually, I see a set of headlights coming down the lane.

1:00:03It was her. She pulled up next to me and wound her window down. I shouted over, are you getting in then or what? This lads is where it goes downhill. See over the week of texting, my 17 year old imaginative mind had turned this blonde for an average four to a solid nine. She gets out of her car and in my shock, she is fucking huge. I think to myself, fuck it. No one knows I'm here and no one knows we're meeting. Let's crack on. She gets in me passenger seat and within minutes, start rummaging around my love length. I could be my least favourite of the law. Love length. Have you ever coupled at a love length?

1:00:48It's as if she's blind and she's trying to find it, innit? I go in for a kiss and the smell of chip fat hits me like a fucking train. She's just gone up to a six for me. You're not getting no complaints here. Where the fuck have you been, I said. I've come straight from work, she replied. Fuck knows where she worked, but it stunk. By this point though I'm in too deep And I soldier on I put my hand down My kegs And find a gash Wetter Than a knotter's pocket I go in for one finger Not enough Two fingers Three fingers I ran out of fucking fingers Anywhere You've got to go with a thumb I'm here a bit of quick maths Has he got another in the tomb?

1:01:45He's going to go for the twist, hasn't he? The in and twist. He had the full fist in there.

1:01:57It's every week, isn't it? It's every week something comes out of his mouth. It's absolutely outrageous. He's not a puppet. We do the D. With a great struggle. Struggle? with great struggle and part ways thinking, fuck me, I'm glad no one knows about this. A week or so later, one of me mates at work had a suspicious grin on his face and says to us, I didn't know you knew Jiggy. I said, who the fuck's Jiggy? He told me her real name and I went bright red. Turns out she's called Jiggy, not because she likes a shag, it's because she played in goal for some team in an inbred market town outside York and her kit looked like a jigsaw puzzle.

1:02:43I'd been phone caught sorry for the long one lads just wanted to know if you'd have powered through or not or if you'd have stopped and if so at what point excellent question can you have the good work lads I'll be honest with you I think once the smell of crisp and dry hits I might be tipping out tapping out really I think you're too late yeah I think I think I think you're too late I don't think you can that you can't excuse me love would you mind getting out of your car you stink or tit fat and by the way at this point he's already said that she was fucking huge and he's let her get in the car but it's the smell of chip fat that's going to put you off yeah but I know but I think that might be the one that tipped me over the edge the thing is you and Bob like you you just carry on regardless if she stinks her chip, see, alright.

1:03:40That, that's, that's not, that bit's not an issue. It's if she gets out and she's really big. Like, to the point where you're like, oh no, I'm waiting until she's, two strides off the car and put it fucked down. Because she can't run to her, back to her car and catch her, can she?

1:03:58That's where I am, with it. So you just, are you just darting? Once she's in the car, once she's in the car, the chip fan, don't, no, that's no odds. Once she's in the car, I'm at the point of no return. Do you not have any concerns about her feelings? Well, she'll obviously just go and eat her way through them, won't she? Oh, John. John! Come on. Do you think she's stood there and you're just looking in your mirror and there's just a cloud of dust because you're in a country road, isn't he? Yeah. And you've wheel-spinned out of there. You've probably had to win a couple of pebbles as you're scooching off.

1:04:36until they're not felt. She's just stood there. Saying that, though, you said as soon as you're smelling the chip fat, you'd kick her out. What are you saying? Sorry, love. You smell the chip fat. But like I said, I need an excuse. I'd consider her feelings. There'd be a phone call, a family emergency. Why do you just shag her? I don't like the smell of chip fat, John. which is surprising it is a bad smell because I don't like chips oh are you joking it's like Chanel number 5 no should we finish on another speak pipe yes bye guys loving the Friday Club podcast keep up the good work and a quick message to Parky great pictures of the wedding and man you are punching right out of your league you should be counting your blessings every single day but good luck anyway you know what can get in the bin people take pictures of their food and then stick them on social media Really, nobody gives a shit.

1:05:37I mean, back in the 80s, did you ever put a roll of film in your camera, take a picture of a burger and chips on holiday, then take it to the Boots, wait for it for two weeks for it to come back, and then take it down the pub, all these photographs to show your mates, say, oh, look at my picture of my burger and chips, oh, look at this pizza, oh, look at this pasta. Nobody gave a shit in the 80s, so nobody gives a shit in the 1920s. I mean, what's the point? And that's not just bad enough, showing your mates, then putting it on the internet, put it on social media so it then litters my timeline with crappy pictures of food or a glass of wine man it's boring stop it get in the bin passionate it seemed to it seemed to get more passionate the longer the the speak fight went on didn't it yeah just to address it she's actually won the lottery as well she's won the lottery as well yeah she does work in a chippy so John's happy some of the some of the messages they've got like do not ever let her sober up that one tickles a little bit he's right nobody's arsed have they I mean I don't it's very have I ever uploaded a picture of food to me Instagram I don't think I've never uploaded I mean you have you two have been guilty quite often of sending photos yeah I'll send it to Louise yeah I'll be honest I'll I'll take a picture and send it to Rose like when we're out on the road if we've got something good because she'll be at home.

1:07:05She'll already whinge. I'm having some shit pasta. We've gone for a nice meal. I'll take a picture of her. Got for this. Where are you on sending pictures of the menu? Has any of you two ever sent pictures of the menu? I've sent it to Louise, yeah. You know we have, John. That's why you brought it up. Well, I think that should be in the bin, sending a picture of the menu. Oh, this is what I could have had. oh no if we go for some eat I'll send a picture of the menu to Rose say what do you reckon what would you have it's been a conversation innit I think you've done the same to Kate John to be honest not the menu never took a photo of the menu food I've took a photo if I were on a diet I'd send it and say this is what I'm having yeah but yes taking pictures putting it on the internet yeah in the bin Not on the internet, yeah.

1:08:02I'm not bothered what you had for your tea when you've been out. No. In the swimming. I have been, if I really like it, I have gone, where's this?

1:08:15Oh. Come on, 2013 and a baby roof is a rare, rare chocolate bar. That's more of a... No, it's coming up on my screen. That's more of a Goonies reference. So just for the audio again, George has done some digging into my Instagram and found a picture of the baby roof. And that is a warning though, that what you say, somebody could come back and bite you in the arse. George, you know. Go on. When Chris said last week that he doesn't queue when he gets to the gate, somebody clocked you queuing like a Barry with your two straps

1:09:07yeah I'm I will queue everything sometimes I'll sit sometimes I'll queue depends what mood I'm in it's in a queuing mood thanks for your honesty eventually yeah right gentlemen have you got a song for us this week Chris? I have I'm glad you reminded us and it's about the email that John read out about two pumps and a squirt. Right. Any advice just before we leave? Anybody struggling from premature ejaculation? Any advice for you in the past? Put the tongue on the top of your mouth. Tell them you're off. 1995 Wembley, Bolton Wanderers team. Start with Keith Branigan. End with Miksu Patelainen. Works every time.

1:09:52Does it though? Because I'm sure you said you only got a defraetus and you were fucking shooting him up. yeah there are there are there are a couple there's been a couple of times I've finished on Jerry Taggart I'll tell you Jesus oh muck oh that's up there with muffin fucking whatever your tongue was apologies right up the cosh right gents up the cosh see you next week see you soon

1:10:30I asked my favorite gal out on a date We went to the pictures and had dinner I asked her back to my parents' house Cause I wanted to put my penis in her I was surprised when she said yes She knew what was my intention But she didn't know that I spunk in seconds I purposely forgot to mention I wouldn't be getting my end away If I told her I was a quick comer I could see the disappointment in her eyes But at least I rattled a stunner One, two, three, splat Three pumps and a squirt One, two, three, it's fly Ooh, it was clear her feelings were hurt But I have a sensitive helmet I'm...