Friday Club | Doorbell Mince

26:48remembering the ring dauber was on the other side I thought fuck it the acting has to stop I've done my bit and I can't keep light up much longer I walked out manly as possible carpets under arm jobby I turned and supplied the ring dauber with a big thumbs up and a wink to match what a cunt he's gone from one extreme to another he's gone from the stereotypical gay man to stereotypical builder yeah Hard man. You would though, wouldn't you? I think I would do exactly the same. Would you? Yeah. Well, I don't know. No, she's had you in there. She's shown you a good time. She's worked wonders for you.

27:27You've got her mint sauce again. Hey, you fucking... You ended up putting up her arse. She slept for the night. That's cruel. There's no need. Yeah. Got home, showered off, and off to football. I went to tell the lads my night of fun, where I'd seen a text from her. my stepdad come in and said he wasn't your gay best friend was he we've watched the doorbell and seen his stupid little thumbs up are you taking the piss and with that the black button was hit I couldn't even stomach a sorry about that no thanks for a mint night the sack was empty and the black button looked too good to resist to this day I've never seen her again and always reminisce about the time I discovered the eighth wonder of the world her dildo did I do the right things lads or would you have done things differently?

28:17On reflection, he's ruined a good thing there, hasn't he? She's got to have Sunday dinner with these. So did I do the right thing? Absolutely not. You can walk another 40 yards gake, aren't you? He's probably giddy, wasn't he? It's like the thumbs up and the wink. Walking out with rugs under arms. Yeah, and the wink is it to say, I've just walloped your daughter upstairs. No, shit house. He's gone straight to the block rather than the apologised as well. They could have just apologised. Like you said, it could have been a regular thing. I don't think the apologised was cutting it. Every Sunday, whenever they arranged, he could have come around that garden gate as soon as he's entering.

29:00Vest on. String vest. Right, said Fred, I'm thinking. It's just caused her hassle, hasn't it, that she didn't need to have. they've all they've gone there both wanting exactly the same thing they've had a really good night she's put him up she ain't kicked him out when he's got to get a taxi at the after clock at morning she's let him stay just play the game just for another 15 seconds she's ripped up trees for him hasn't she I take her back a little mints he could have been round yeah that could have been a Tuesday night job couldn't see a Tuesday he didn't even have to mince out just walk out normally just don't do anything stupid.

29:40Like winking and putting a thumb up and that. Yeah. Conor McGregor walk. Put your fucking young 'un upstairs. Yeah. Yeah, just not required. So I think you have been a dickhead, yeah. Hi lads, please keep this anonymous. All parties involved are avid listeners of the pod. I've been catching up on some old Friday clubs that I missed while working a different job. A few weeks back you told a story about the Fanny Fart Girl. Well, This reminded me of something me and my mates experienced. A few years ago, we both ended up sleeping with the same girl. Not at the same time, mind you, and we didn't realise for a couple of years.

30:25She's well known locally, a solid 8 out of 10, tall, dark hair, Welsh, and she even plays football. Striker, of course, adds another point to my book. Anyway, one evening we're having a few pints and a girl walks past who reminds us both of her. We get chatting and eventually realise we've both done the deed. Then comes the kicker. We both remember the same unique detail. Let's just say she was prone to some rather enthusiastic fanny farts, in brackets, queefing, when being, amen, approached from behind. After laughing about it like a pair of schoolboys, we decided she needed a nickname. And lads, I don't think we'll ever top this one.

31:15Given the combination of her background, her position on the pitch, her nationality and trademark noises, we christened her... Queef Amore.

31:34Genius, isn't it?

31:42absolute genius still cracks me up every time we see him every time I see him now I think by the way how many female listeners are going to be messaging the boyfriends and I'll go who the fuck's Kiefer Moua well just to save you having to do that Kiefer Moua is a striker Welsh rhymes with Kiefer and his name's Kiefer so his Welsh striker called Kiefer that is a Queen from Moe sensational to be fair any other good nickname stories Queen from Moe's not getting bet by the way not a fucking cat in hell ticks all the boxes doesn't it I've got a cautious courtroom here lads keep anonymous for obvious reasons hi Friday clubbers blah blah blah just wondering if you can settle a pissed up debate we're a group of about eight lads Been mates for years, mostly working class, made up of mental health nurses, mechanics, project managers, etc.

32:43So it's a bit of a mixed bag. Last Friday, our partners went away for the weekend, giving us free reign to get rat-arsed without any comeuppance. We booked a pizza place that serves a solid selection of ales before heading into town. That's a good pint. You know, we were talking about the best pints. You've got a group of friends, and it's all couples, and the women are going away, and then the texts start dropping in. Yeah. What are you doing this weekend? Why the mice are away? Why the cats are away? What the fuck? Now, here's the disagreement, or more so, seven of the eight on the wind-up. One of the lads runs his own business and does pretty well.

33:28He's open to the odd cashing-hand job, keeping cash away from that pesky tax man. When the time comes to pay for pizza he says Right then lads, I've got some cash I need to get rid of. I'll pay and you send me the money. We let him pay and agree to split it. Before leaving he nips to the bog. This was my chance to get the lads riled up and to formulate a plan that's ultimately petty but is guaranteed to get a bite. I've let all the other lads know he's technically making 40 % on us there.

34:06Given the tax bracket he'd be in. If he's not paying the tax, man, we should benefit from that as well, given we're all Laura Biden citizens. So we all agree to do the honourable thing and leave him a fiver short each. Instead of giving him 25, he's got 20 quid off us. We've saved a fiver, his piss is absolutely boiling, and he's hopefully learned his lesson on avoiding tax when the rest of us have to pay. He thinks it's unfair because he's lost out on 50 quid and, his words not mine, I've actually paid more tax than all of you this year. Yeah, leave the five around. Leave the five around. He's the prick's prick.

34:48Bear in mind what he's referring to is is stamp duty on his third house. Oh, yeah, he's a prick's prick. I was almost going to cut him a bit of leeway and say, well, he's got to defend himself. That bite, that is the bite they're after. Yeah. On the flip side of the coin, the poor mental health nurse is scraping the barrel while it's looking after the vulnerable because one of his good mates refuses to pay his fair share.

35:14What's your thoughts? Do we send him the extra fiver? No. Or do we stay living rent-free? No. In his head. Because that's going to gnaw at him. Every time they've got something to eat, he's going to be thinking about it. He's not going to be paying cash again, is he? just for this response I've actually paid more tax than all of you that's the bingo that's it yeah that is good though I've never even thought about it like that as well I know you're saving a few quid yeah yeah so that could be there's always one in a friend group isn't there the wheeler and dealer yeah I'll get these lads you send us the money yeah I'll tell you ones it's not in my group but you can like there's two pubs in Barnsley where the pints are like two and a half quid dearer than the rest.

35:59The botanist and the salt house. So you're like, you know, like, whoever drops on them, they're in for another 20 quid at rounds. You know what I mean? But it's just like... March to the front when you go in the cheap places. Yeah, I'll get these. I'll get these. Spoons. Or if there's a couple of late arrivals and they're not there yet, I'll get these for like three years. Norma's going to be seven in the next part. Cheap skits. Yeah, I don't like stuff like that. Tape fuckers. Yeah, I don't like Walt like that. But the fact that he's thought of that while starting a night with the lads is fucking genius.

36:34Yeah. And don't give him his fiver. I tell you what, you know when I went on the shopping trip? Yes. While you were at the pool, I got sucked into one of the... I'm usually good at rebuffing advances, you know, for the hard sell. And some woman come out, excuse me, no, no, I'm all right, thank you. No, no, it's free. oh she got it didn't she he has pricked him it then he's our tight cum she would have given me a sachet I thought I'll take the sachet anyway next minute I'm in chair she's got me inside I'm sat on chair to be fair she was quite harsh looking back on it she's like oh your wrinkles were on your eyes how old are you oh puffy very puffy so next thing before I know it she's applying some cream on my eyes all around my eye, her dryer on it, and I can feel it tightening.

37:28And to be fair, whatever she did, my eye was 10 years younger. Katie nearly got sucked into the exact same thing. It was smooth as anything. And she said, would you be interested? I was like, well, how much is it? He's off again. Can I pay an air miles? And then from there, she's giving it, oh, we can get you something for the double chin. She slapped it. Slapped the chin. the ears around the ears wrinkles around the ears we can sort of how much is it? 300 quid and so I didn't give it the no I just give it right well I'll have a wander around and I'll think about it and come back immediately oh they're good aren't they?

38:07gone fucked me right off but I looked at mirror I thought are you going to do other eye? the fucking Dubai pirate walking around like you've had a stroke I had one 30 year old eye and a 42 year old eye they nearly got gating me and then they did send to me someone with one eye basically glue in it just glue in your skin that's all it is you're drying it I can feel you stretching the glue in your bag just a bit further around towards your ear but on that trip what about that horrible skanky bastard at airport the fucking oh yeah bitch yeah it's not very often I call people but she was an absolute fucking prick I think she was She's the most passive-aggressive person I've ever come across.

38:51You know, like, just basically face-to-face insults whilst pretending to talk to somebody else. Yeah. Nobody seems to know how to use these machines. Yeah, so it was the check-in thing. In other words, you. The self-check-in thing, wasn't it? So obviously me and him have got the same name, and things have happened where I've had your passport or I've had your boarding passes, which is, it can happen. That's when you both call the same name. So we're all stood there like fucking in between us at the check-in desk. And then she's just all of a sudden looked at her mate and went, oh, there's a problem.

39:29Some people can't use the computer. And we're just stood there like... Who are you talking about? Yeah. You're talking about us, aren't you? Obviously, some people don't know how to use the check-in. Like, fuck off, you dickhead. And then the next go went, went, has she got the authority to stop us getting on that plane? Before I'd turn into her? No, it was before I'd send a fart down the luggage belt.

40:01Ready, aim, fire. He was concentrating on his own stuff, weren't he? Some people obviously just don't know how to use a check-in. I know, I couldn't catch me right. So rude, wasn't it? Yeah. Just thinking, well, if you don't like your job, love, just change it. Sorry, love, I've not been trained on the luggage machine. morning or something like that. We've just been out. We've just had a live show. In case you're wondering, she did get hit with a fart down the living ground. Downwind. So you got fucking no authority split up. So we won. It was heavy as well. I'm 26 kilograms on. They got charged for it.

40:36I put an heavy sticker on it. Yeah, horrible bastard. Just fuck off. I hate people like that. Right. Another cautious courtroom, lads. Am I the ultimate dirty bastard? All right, lads, please keep this anonymous. I'll cut the blah straight to the point. My sister-in-law is a cunt.

40:57I like it. And so is her husband. He's a soft southern bastard. You know the type, lads. Thinks his shit don't stink. Big office job in the city and a Michael Barrymore. All right, mate. Catchphrase taboo. Top and no bottom. I like the impression. Do you want to come and swim in? I ended up going for a few pints with him one night, and after three, I caught him getting a Heineken 0 % for himself. You've said it already, the cunt's come. Soft wanker, he says. Anyway, lads, the sister-in-law is a carbon copy, except she thinks she's a southerner. Anyway, when they come up to see her parents, they get on me tits.

41:41So not direct, sorry, they're not direct relatives. It's her... It must be his Mrs. Mrs. His sister and her husband, right? Yeah. One day, about a year ago, I was having a piss. When I was washing my hands, I noticed their toothbrushes by the sink. I decided then it was the time for a bit of fun. I decided to shove them between my arse cheeks. I didn't put them up there. Don't get excited, Bol, Chris. And ever since, I've been doing the same trick. Every time he goes. Sometimes after a shite, obviously post-wipe, and I gave me gooch a good scratch with them too, especially on a hot summer's day.

42:22I mentioned this to my mate in the boozer last week, who's met them on a couple of occasions, and he was absolutely horrified. In fact, he called us a dirty bastard. I was also horrified with his response, especially with this lad's track record. Back in the day at a house party, he did what he called a sneaky poo, where he took the butter out of the fridge, scraped it out, laid a brick in the tub, put the butter back in, hiding said brick, and put it back in the fridge. So, lads, was he right? Am I a dirty bastard or am I justified because they're cunts? I think you're both dirty bastards. Yeah.

42:56Because, like, you're going to maybe do a loaf and half a toast before you get to the batch, aren't you? Mm-hmm. There's nobody who hates somebody who's full of himself more than me. Right. You know, when someone's a twat, you know, loves the smell of their own farts. Yeah, somebody would say, have you paid enough stamps for a lampy? Yeah, that type. There's lines, you know, toothbrush up the arse. And it's disgusting, isn't it? Yeah. They're brushing their teeth with that. A hot summer's day. But you get a lot of satisfaction from it knowing that twice a day, twice a day you're getting results out of you.

43:35When he's swanning around the house in his suit. He's fucking divine perfume on. Drinking his fucking North Percenters. Yeah, true. Yeah. As far up as possible for me. Get it fucking choked up. Get it in. Get it in. Yeah, get some proper debris on it. So what was the question? Is he a cunt?

44:00It is cuntish. Oh, but he is a twat. Well, no, the question actually is, is he a dirty bastard? Yeah, dirty bastard. Yeah, you are a dirty bastard. Yeah. But the main one, is he justified because they're cunts? Is he justified? He is the... He's the twat. He's the quat twat. Yeah. Cunt's cunt. Just a sneaky... Yeah. So you're not inserting... Maybe the gooch. Yeah, nah. Maybe the gooch is enough. I don't know about the bumhole. Just a brush over the bumhole? On the way out. You know, just a trail, yeah. But I'd emphasise on the gooch. He's more sweaty. And then if a couple of bristles touch the bubble, then...

44:43Fair enough. If you're going to do it, you might as well do it properly, aren't you? You might as well get the lot off. But you don't want to get caught. Because he's going to be in the firing line for... If there's debris on the toothbrush... How are you going to get caught? If there's debris. It's just a bit of beef. Deny, deny, deny. He's going to be... Because he'll know that... Barrymore will know that his brother-in-law, whatever he is... Don't like him. Don't like him. So he's going to be like... It's just a bit of beef from when he brushed his teeth. Yeah, I suppose.

45:12Yeah. Each to their own. Is it so... The butter one's worse. Yeah, that's... I think the butter one's worse because you're eating. You're eating off that. Yeah. Imagine, you might not even notice. That's what I mean. You might be a loaf and a half in. Yeah. A toast, spreading that. And then the next thing, you... Oh, some dead Marmite. Oh, I'm going to put the Nutella in the butter. What have I told you? Using a fresh knife. Yeah, you are a dirty bastard. Can we let him off? Yeah. I mean, yeah, we've no authority here, have we, to be so punishing. This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome.

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46:58iPhone 11 or later required. Hello, no need to keep me anonymous. I think I lost that privilege on Friday night at the Roker Hotel. My name is Chrissie. I'm 31, from Fife in Scotland, married to my wonderful husband Jordan, a Shundleham fan, a loyal member of the John Parking fan club. When Jordan downed a pint of Guinness after being instructed by Kev, I knew I had to do the good wife and replace said pint. However, when John called me back to the stage, offered his arms out and to finish the job later, the world around me was a blur and I just ran. as Gabrielle once sang dreams can come true another one for the karaoke blowjob it's not just you you know we might be able to nick a bird I can safely say it was on a par with walking down the aisle on my wedding day John thanks for the repeated assurances that you were not going to let me go a man with a strong grip high hips who clearly knew what he was doing also after hearing all the questionable hygiene habits I was pleasantly surprised at how lovely you smelled and how moisturised your face was.

48:06What a handsome man. My only disappointment the whole night was that John didn't come to finish the job off later on, as promised. I'd like to break an art again, aren't I, Chris? Her words, not yours. Absolutely. Love the Friday clue. It makes the week. Topics are great, and I've learnt a lot about the male anatomy. My daughter was born on Friday, the strap attack episode. It was debated whether we listened to it during the C-section, but thought social services might get involved. My daughter enjoys a wee dance to the theme tune now. Thanks for a great night, of course. Come to Scotland. Love you all, Chrissie.

48:42It was a good straddle. Yeah. And her husband seemed like he was egging it on. Good sport. How would you feel, though, if... Because recently, I can't name the actual artist, but I read Singer got a woman up on stage and she obviously really liked this Singer and he kissed her on stage and the husband has filed for divorce she was really going for it, you know, straddling him and all this stuff and he's filed for divorce off the back of it would you feel like if you went watching somebody with your missus and he got them up on stage and she was really enjoying it would you feel like a bit of a spare part I reckon if Gary Barlow chucked it on Alasso's toes she'd fuck me off I'd be out to do it would you file for divorce?

49:34she likes some tubby doesn't she? excuse me oh yeah what have we got what have we got yeah fucking Peter Andre

49:47yeah I'd have no chance if Barlow ain't room I'd be fine you think you'd be I'd just let just let her crack on and you've got to pass your sender, haven't you? Just in case I ever drop an Ellen Mirren at Asda. Oh, it's nice to have a little ticket with your sleeve. Yeah. A bit petty, innit? Do you think? Would you hold it back? You know that one chance? You know, like, people have the list. What do they call it? The thingy hole pass. The hole pass. If you discussed it, right, you can have three and then one day you bump into him in Asda and he says yeah go on then have you moved on from the stage yeah or on the stage or whatever he says do you want to come back after there's a line and you'd be like laughing and then oh brilliant and then oh she's out of order now you know what I mean though she's got her hand down his fucking jeans she's got his cock she's got his cock she's sucking him off why are you thinking you didn't mean you were your best shot that's my fucking wife and it's right because your facial expression will say it all and you'll laugh at it.

50:55Oh, she's got his dick out. Oh, like no dick out but the show finishes then and he's just like, why are you coming backstage? And she's going backstage with Tom Jones and she's just gone through curtains and you're just like, so she doesn't even come back and say, pray for us, love. Can you imagine if that happened and you just stood there waiting? That's next level stuff, that. I'm talking about the performance. this happened during the performance yeah but what do you do do you just wait there like everybody's leaving now it's just like you know empty cups on the floor and pop on rappers how many times do you check your phone you're the awkward one yeah and you're ringing and it's just just ringing out it's just ringing out yeah she's like she's got kicked out she's gone too far she's got kicked out do you leave and go to the stage door or do you just stand there on barrier she's certainly not back in there getting well up by her she's not no He's just signing a few records and stuff.

51:53Oh, no. What would you do? People just go walking past you on your row, putting seats back up. This one guy just brushing up. Need to leave now, sir. Sorry, mate. The sympathy rub of the back. Yeah, and then he goes, oh, was that your... Was that your what? Oh, yeah, he does it all the time, this. Do you want a drink? Why are you waiting? That was the worst thing, wasn't it? Like, finish my drink. I've only got the drink. You can't even have an awkward drink. Looking round, see if anybody's left half a pint under the sea. Oh, no. That's bad. Tell me what I'll do. I'll have a flip through Facebook.

52:35Instagram, yeah. Delete a few pictures.

52:42All the pictures you took that night, before the show and stuff. You're going to be a meal before the show. nice picture you're in trouble if you're deleting pictures that's at least an hour that's at least an hour that's at least an hour selfies behind you on the stage oh that's going in there point up and then he's back will you knock your shit into her if that's ever happened to you yeah that would be an email I like to read if you've ever done that when she comes back out you know just readjusting her skirt there's a bit dripping off her chin he was lovely he was like I met all the band imagine if you come back and she owns it he was so fit he was so fit it's in your hair is it good is he a better singer or shagger he's on the list John the hall pass list remember the other week the email about the bloke turning up at the wedding with the woman he's having an affair with and we've not seen it.

53:52Well, we're taking it to another level here. Hi all. Gaz from Newport here. No, no need to run a minute. Long time listener. First time emailer. Love the pod, blah, blah, blah. This week's show reminded me of a story in defense of a guy who wanted to bring his latest bit of fluff he was having an affair with to a wedding. Right. Now, I rewind 18 years and myself and a group of mates were about 30 and going to my best mate's wedding. One of the lads, let's call him Steve, attended the wedding with his wife and small child. He wasn't drinking all day as he was going to drop the wife back home ahead of the evening party.

54:37So the kid could go to bed and then return to the party with the lads. Seems like a great tactic. About 5pm he disappears with the wife and returned about 7pm With the bird he was having an affair with What? What? What the? A half time substitution I'm laughing at that but it's not funny With the girl he was having an affair with known to the lads as his spur missus No one batted an eyelid Most thought he was a legend and he stayed no doubt sampling the younger clings and getting his end away with the spur missus in the hotel all night. He even brought her down for breakfast the next morning. So, this says if you're having an affair and your mate only gives you a plus one then take your plus one home early and bring a super sub for extra time.

55:33Bosh. Job done. P.S. Oh no, I can't say that. That is heavy, isn't it? That is outrageous. I mean, I know he's saying, like, amongst the blokes, he was given legend status, which I think is a bit heavy. But amongst the women, especially. One home and all. I can only think they're on the ropes. Going through a bad time, won't it together? Because for the thingy, he brings on the super sub. Yeah, 5pm, bored up. You know what that is? That is not giving a fuck, innit? Do you think she knows? Do you think she knows? Yeah. It's going to cause trouble for the lads, innit? For everybody at the wedding.

56:18Who's that, is we? Imagine like first dance. First dancing, he just ran different dories up. I wonder if he's told the mistress what her role she's got. He's got some front as well, if that's the case. He's gone with the old, right, I've not got a plus one for the day, but I'll not drink and I'll come pick you up. like oh what a great guy how dangerous is it if she doesn't know like just having a chat with someone oh where's Morag gone like who's this yeah he went here with his wife and his little two hours ago that many questions so many questions just not does not give a fuck does he no front Blackpool yeah just does not give a fuck do you have to buy two presents what if you bring in two plus ones yeah nah she's only eating his wife's buffet isn't she no afternoon meal evening meal yeah but she's all she's took the wife home so like she's the mistress is only going to eat what the wife would have had isn't she I think that's the job that's the the beauty of a super sub Chris they're just instant swaps just replacements surely from the the point of the the substitute I've just I've brought you a bottle it's only a cheap one I'm only here for for half a job a cameo that is fucking outrageous I'll tell you what I did see the other day service a new service that is available, Funeral Crasher and it's a service that someone's providing that when you're dead you can send them an email they'll turn up at your funeral and tell everybody what you thought of them no way that is outstanding they'll get up on stage and say Uncle Frank you're here you're a dick, get out Remember that time when you shoved that banana up my arse?

58:10Yeah, well. Sandra, I always fucking hated you, stuck-up bitch. What a shout that is. It's going to be a frosty wake, innit? Yeah. I know, but frosty wake, that's just what he thought of you. Yeah, it's his day, not yours. His words. Don't shoot the messenger. How do you send the email, though? you do obviously you prep before you die it's like you might like changing opinions of them no obviously it's when you're on death's door isn't it oh so you've got to be terminally ill to do it you don't have to be i don't think there's requirements but you can update as time goes on like if you send the email and you don't die within six months you can send a revision actually he's all right frank so is this at the wake or like instead of the Oh, Coffin's up front.

59:03You just stand... I'm imagining special requests, so you could be at the front, Vicar does his bit, next minute, there's some random bloat that stands up in audience. Who's this? Who's this? Who's this? You must have to tell someone. I've been sent on behalf of Frank to pass on a few special words. John, Julie, Sandra, Frank, cunts, get out. Don't come to the wake. yeah you're not welcome here put the choke on your cheese sandwich yeah Susan shag your daughter have that oh Jesus Christ I'm just saying I'm only saying it's Friday club changing you it is it is words not mine I'm only telling you what the corpse is telling me and a perfect what a job as well because you get go and drop that bombshell and then I'm assuming leave no all the ones all the ones that aren't welcome fuck off and you're left with the mourners.

1:00:00All them ladies. Wunderable. He's a different man, him, to when we started this. He's turned into a dirty, horrible bastard, hasn't he? I'm joking. Right, chaps, I think that's us. Yes, I'm going to bath and bed for me. Kebab? No, no, no. Possibly. Live shows, just as a footnote, links in the description they're all out for the new year aren't they? all out for the new year actually no they're all out now that includes Reading and Cardiff right that includes Reading and Cardiff there's possibly two more on the horizon any

1:00:49yeah that's when I let loose and just it only takes a minute though what is it? three minutes twenty yeah this is like the start break dancing and that you spoiled a song right up the car adios

1:01:09hey hey it's the Friday Club the weekend's here get in that pub it's Friday Club Bing Bang Bosch with all of your favourites from under the cuss so if you want to share a story or relive a form of glory Futter the wheat or clapping them cheeks Baby, you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank It's all here on the Friday Club

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