Friday Club | Fly Me to the Moon

32:09We'll be right back. and supply. Details at lowes.com slash terms. Subject to change. Shall I go in? Aye. Ultimate revenge or extreme regret? Aye lads. I would say blah blah blah but just wanted to say how weird it is seeing yous on video. I've listened only in the car for years but only now I've seen the video version for the first time. I knew what Parky and Brownie looked like because of their playing careers but didn't realise we Chris look like a little knob goblin. He looks like he has been punched in the face with a large fish. Sorry, Chris. Anyway. That is ridiculously harsh. Yeah. No need.

32:51Large fish. Not having eyes. It's all right for me and him to say that. No large fish. Oh. Punched in the face with a large fish. With a large fish, not by a large fish. Battered. Would it be battered? No. Wet. I think fresh from the ice in the mongers. Take that, you twat. What was that? Goblin? Yeah. Take that, you little goblin. Nah, that's outrageous. That's worse than to be laughing at you when you take your clothes off. You bald goblin. Macro cross-face. Anyway, a bit of a story me and the lads have wanted to write in about for a while, but the lads don't know I have written it in. Ooh. I did, however, have to gain some permission first.

33:40It's very important that this remains anonymous. Oh, is it? Is it really? Callum. Which will make a lot of sense very soon. The story goes back to around 2019, when our mate, let's call him Sean, was going out with a girl. Let's call her Catelyn. Sean had been going out with Catelyn for about a year. Is it Caitlin? Yeah, probably. But I've gone European. I've never known anybody called Catelyn. I've gone European. Catelyn. All this seafood. Catelyn Jenner. Sean had been going out with Catelyn for about a year, but they were constantly on and off. We used to tell Sean she wasn't worth his time and he could do much better.

34:28They were both quite unserious about the relationship, mainly due to the fact that Catelyn kept messing around with an old ex, let's call him Callum. Eventually, Sean and Catelyn decided to give it a proper go and were in a relationship for a few months. But yet again, Catelyn mentions her name a lot. Catelyn was caught messing with her ex and was rumours that she was even meeting up with him behind his back. Anyway, one night when the two of them were still speaking in a relationship, he found out that they were still speaking, but he played it cool and wanted to speak to her in person, so continued to text her like nothing had happened.

35:17Yeah, that's a tough one. Just like a child angle? Yeah. It just depends what your long game is, doesn't it? and done. Sean doesn't really think much of it and to be fair to the lad he's not really arsed. He's out having a pint when he bumps into Catelyn's mum. Catelyn's mum speaks to Sean and is sort of aware of the situation with Catelyn and her ex and says listen don't worry about it I will speak with her and I'm sure you will sort it out. So Catelyn mum, I wish I'd not called her Catelyn. Yeah, you can change, you know, if you want. At any time, like maybe 15, 20 ago. So Kat's mum says, listen, we are having a party back at the house tonight.

36:03Why don't you come over and you can speak to her too? Sean thinks, yeah, sound. Night's nearly over here. Can go back to her house, have a few pints and see what the crack is. It's very important to note here that Kat's mum is a genuine two out of ten. I think it might get the ghost away here Genuinely a severely ugly 55 year old woman So they get back to the house for the party But nobody's in the house Just them two Sean asks Where's Kat? Thought they were at the party She replies She's out The party is me and you You know where this goes next Sean takes Cat's mum to pound town

36:58Sean takes Cat's mum to pound town With her screaming daddy To her 19 year old daughter's boyfriend We never did get the extreme gory details Apart from that it was being described As fluffy and wrinkly Anyway, Sean somehow continues to play it cool and in the coming days is back shagging the daughter. With her none the wiser. However, the inevitable happens and Cat is back up to no good. And this is when Sean gets to play his trump card. He had officially had enough and got to deliver the ultimate insult. I'm shagging your mum. Yeah, whatever, she replied. Okay, here's the text. Saturday was good, Daddy.

37:51When can I see you again? It was so big. You need to fuck me good again. She exploded. Floods of tears blocked. How did you get sex three times in four days talking like that? I didn't talk. This resulted in a good few months of complete unrest in the family, obviously. with Kat moving out to live with her sister. Oh yeah, her mum's single by the way, understandably. Anyway, I wish this trump card was the ultimate insult but there's a few follow-ups. One, it turns out Kat's mum had also had a go at Callum, her ex she was mucking about with. Two, Kat and her mum built up a good relationship within the years to come and are all good now.

38:41Great news. Sean and Kat have got back together shortly after. I know, what the fuck. And they have been together ever since. They are now engaged with two kids.

38:55Sean has shagged his two kids' granny. I think this might be a summary. Sean has shagged his two kids' granny. It is now never to be mentioned again. And it seems like it's just been forgotten. However, I do always wonder what it's like round the Xmas table, considering he's eaten both their muffs at the table. Maybe you will have a go on the father one day. They all have a good relationship now, and she's still ugly as ever. He's really emphasising how ugly she is. So, lads, this begs the question. Is this extreme revenge or bang out of order? Please also consider the granny shagging happened before she actually was a granny.

39:35keep up the good work shaggers and we Chris I think I think you well within your rights or me I do what to do don't know mom yeah but then he's getting back with that I don't know it's all a bit bizarre in it after shagging the foot and X so it shouldn't be game back with you when she's been messaging X anyway should she no should i just want to check i hope you've got it right chris because it oh no no i'm just checking on the names was sean his mate or sean the one that sean's the one who's now far engaged right yes sean is the x who's the other one we're missing about with no sean is he's all right callum's the ex who she's now having got kids we've been engaged to what no So the one who the story was about, who shagged a mum for revenge, he got back with that, and now they're engaged and have kids.

40:40So the ex is out the picture. Well, allegedly. If you were. Yep. There we go. Sean and Kat are back together. Oh, so he's got back with her? Yes. I thought it was the boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. Oh my God, it's even worse. He was being cheated on. Then he shagged his mum in revenge. Then he got back with her, and then he had two kids. Oh my God. How much he's emphasising how ugly she is, I'm thinking on something about Murray. Or Benidorm. Her itch in shock mobility. Susan Quirk. What's Quirk called? Birds of a feather. But she's not. I'm thinking the way that he's emphasising that she's really ugly, I'm thinking her shock mobility in Benidorm.

41:29Susan's not bad. She's not... She's a 55-year-old woman, isn't she? If you were writing an email about Susan, you wouldn't put ugly in six times, would you? It's his mate, isn't it? So he's going to emphasise how ugly... Oh, she was ming. But if he's writing in, he'd be like, you'd probably give a wop. You know what I mean? Yeah. His mate's always that, she was minging. I don't think he's got a good barometer on looks anyway. Who? The guy... The emailer. I know. Blind. Yeah. It's not, it's not. Glaucoma, at least. Had your, I don't know how you've come back from that, me. What, if you're the man or the daughter?

42:15Anybody. Well, anybody. They should all just be, one should be in Africa, one should be in Asia, one should be in Europe, another one should be on the moon. Send the fat, ugly cow to the moon. Mother. Go on. She'll be alright up there. It sounds like they're all as bad as each other. Yeah, might as well. It's probably best containing them. You know, all together. They've bred, haven't they? Quarantine. That's the problem. They've been allowed to breed, haven't they? Yeah. Some of the emails we're getting here, man.

42:56Dangerous dogging disaster. Hello gents blah blah, weird one for you. Your story on dogging made me cast my mind back to a time in the past which I'd tried to forget. Something you could say is a thought that most straight blokes would want to delete from their memory. It was the height of Covid and as a young lad getting out of the house away from the family for a little while, once a day was absolute bliss. the constant arguments between siblings over who's doing what the endless morning from the parents that I must do more you know it was at the time all the shops near me selling vets were closed so I picked up the habit of smoking cigarettes something my parents had no idea about and it would have opened up a massive cannon worms if ever they found out my daily routine was telling them i'm just nipping out to the shop does anybody want anything then i'd head off find a quiet spot in the local area where no one would see me sometimes a walk sometimes a local woods or a car park the car park near me seemed like a good idea at the time driving straight in nice views and then leave without any fuss setting the scene it was a lovely summer's evening one of those beautiful dusks we had so often during lockdown when all the beer gardens were closed the view was stunning i drove up parked right in the middle of this large empty car park about 30 bays jumped out the driver's seat with a mildly gold in my hand sat on the bonnet and started smoking while taking in the scenery like the detail about 30 bays just give you an idea a bit like the one at a wee stop at Manchester.

44:51Something like that size, isn't it? That's about 30 beers. Yeah. By the third puff, a red Vauxhall Corsa pulled in. I thought nothing of it. Figured everyone was just trying to get out of the house and have a bit of alone time. But out of all the empty spaces, 28, 29, he decided to pull up straight next to me. That was a bit weird, but I still didn't think too much of it. I heard his car door open, but I was too busy enjoying the view. Then he said, you okay, mate? Yeah, good, thanks, I replied. Just smoking a fag and heading home. Looking back now, and after telling this story to my mates multiple times, I now realise that was probably the worst thing I could have possibly said.

45:43Because this turned out to be a well-known dogging car park. Oh! Ooooooooh. Next thing I hear is the metal prong of his belt, continuously hitting the metal frame as he undid it. I glanced over and there he was. The wanking man. Is that a Tommy? Mmm. What are you doing? Flicking me faggot, minimum. Me cigarette. The dusk light made him look like a shadowy figure of the night. He was about six foot three, portly, and standing there with his hand going at it. It's not me, by the way. I'm six foot four. And in lockdown, I'm fat. Not portly, fat. My heart dropped. That was more than enough for me.

46:31I instantly dropped the half-smoked cigarette, walked around to the driver's jaw, and jumped in. Apparently, that must have been some kind of code I didn't know about, because to him, it probably meant jump in. you horrible old bastard and let's get to business in reality the only thought going through my head was get me the fuck out of here as I unintentionally drew his attention to my driver's door he came shuffling over like a scene out of a zombie thriller he pants around his ankles as well aren't he so he ain't coming at pace no we spoke about the technique haven't we yeah but what you're doing are you are you sack race or are you bunny hop if someone's just got in the car and you think they want a bum.

47:19I think pace-wise, you need to go bunny hop. You don't want to risk tripping. Especially in the car park, there's a lot of loose stones. Yogurt cannon still in hand. Oh! I panicked, started the engine, threw it into the verse, and tried to get out. In my panic, with him standing so close to the car, he collided with the bonnet. It's fucking run the guns over!

47:45he's thinking about he's thinking about criminal in a criminal investigation here he collided with the bonnet you're fucking on him over ain't you fucking too fair play and all jeans down by his ankles yoghurt cannon no longer in hand the last thing I remember is him lying on the floor jeans around his ankles the whole lot on display I take this completely as self defence He was fine though, there was no follow-up Hope you enjoyed the story P.S. I actually met the ball one in a Aces bar in Manchester I'd had too many, so I apologise for spouting Absolute shite Surely If you're going to have a wank You want some sort of encouragement, don't you?

48:30You're just sat Looking at the sunset From his point of view That's What gets him off, isn't it? just wanking it he's just there for it he's come to this car party he wants somebody to wank over him I feel like you're making excuses here for a sexual predator well I'm just going off what we've read before if that's what he's into yeah it's fine isn't it it's fine I'm not saying it's fine but there's some mad people about yeah he doesn't care if he's upsetting I'm into Bo Goblins me just told me that come on here Chris Yeah. But that's his... Yeah. It's like people... We spoke about dressing up in a nappy.

49:14That's what gets them off. Wanking in front of... So do you think it's his own fault for not checking in the car parks? Nah. The dogging car parks? I'm a detacherous no blame to it. And do you think he's well-vening his rights to drive over him? Yeah. Yeah. Reverse? Yeah. Yeah. But it's not really fair on the guy, though, is it? Because that's just what he's into. No. You take what I've said literally. I'm saying, from his point of view, he's gone, well I wanna I'm gonna get myself off and have a wank in front somebody I think you were open up for more than a wank like I think you were open for him joining yeah yeah but the very least is I'm gonna Tommy in front of somebody I can't think of any worse way to get run over them when they pants around the ankles in an erection I mean cooking you done I know only if there are a tire mark that just went

50:03all across his sink because his arm was here I would have stayed to watch him get up you know just a mirror yeah just see what he well I'd check to see if he were dead first and then I'd put reverse lights on and just shit him up some weird people about man you know that when you see people donutting in cars I just donut round him in car park he is a horrible sexual predator isn't he surely even if it is a dogging area you've got to go for a soft launch yeah I am 100 % are you the same as me like a bit of this obviously that's flashing but I've just pointed it fancy a bit of this in yeah in yeah yeah not a yogurt cannon in hand but now you've stopped smoking young man I think you wanted you know he's not gonna struggle out vape shops everywhere in there this is not sexual related I haven't read it but it's titled coronation shite following your requests for any brief meetings with celebs this particular awful birthday I had failed a promotion at work had a fall out with the ex.

51:24I started in terms of bad birthdays. I started on the beer at 12 before getting the train from Wakefield to Manchester to meet some old schoolmates. Drinking Thiexton's Bitter. All the way to Manchester. I guess I was about 8 pints in on arrival. We got to Manchester and to the well-to-do suburb where my friend lives. In my Mardy way, a can of ale never left my hand then we hit a few of his local boozers full of folk that work in the city and post students oh so he's he's in a grumpy didsbury he's yeah wilms law um altering them maybe um but he's in a mood he's just he just wants to get wankered on him he's probably like angling for a scrap in him it's an yeah drinking these deakston just wants to get pissed and now to go in these fancy bars and you can't be arse with anyone.

52:23Anyway, we arrived in probably the fourth pub and as my friend went to the bar, I let off the longest fart in history. It was like Roy... It was like Roy Castle's finally... Oh. ...toot on his trumpet. Oh, he can't say that about Roy. Roy Castle's finally toot on his trumpet. It was like Roy Castle has finally toot on his trumpet. His final toot... I mean, you can't say that about Roy. National Treasure. He died of lung cancer and he played the trumpet. Never smoked in his life, you know. Yeah, right. Well, it went on forever this far. Unfortunately, Roy didn't. Then the shit cloud hit, a smell that can only be described as an OAP's nappy combined with a gallon of real ale and a bit of dead rodent added for good measure.

53:15That's what you're right. The living room's going to smell like it morning. There was a howl from the crowd at the bar as they all stepped back in disgust, leaving me alone with no one within 10 metres of me. That's a bad place to be. I imagine so. Especially he's let rip on him, so he's been like, I'm not arsed. Yeah, fuck him, I'm farting. And then the smell's it, and now he's all alone. Feeling isolated. Yeah. You want strength in numbers. A bit like Maximus Aurelius in the middle of the Coliseum. Just like, oh no. And he thought it were funny. Are you not entertained? Have that, you bodge bastards.

53:57I could hear you four coughing and gagging. As I let another one rip. It sounded like a dead elephant. Dying elephant. Suddenly, from the departing crowd, someone stepped forward. Fucking stop it. You're fucking disgusting. Jabbing an angry finger towards me. he then shoved his way through the crowd and left the pub in disgust I stood looking and stinking in shock as he stood stinking or is he stood thinking I stood looking and stinking in shock that man was none other than Kevin Webster from Coronation 3 is he out of order Kev fuck off Kev get back under your fucking four fiesta you prick you're fucking disgusting you're not disgusting you're coming with oil on your hands fucking dickhead yeah fuck off Kev I mean it's a bit I'll tell you what he's probably a bit out of order the second fart I was just about to say that the second fart is like that is an ultimate I'd say the first one's out of order really I know but he's obviously dropped it and thought no one's gonna know it's me it sounded to me like he's caught the leg and let rip he's not arsed but he's been Mardy he's everyone's just started stepping back like Homer Simpson would enter Bush yeah Kevin yeah yeah like alright Kevin I fucking shit me sen you know what I mean I'm sure Tyrone's been under bonnet before and you're fucking farted next to him ain't you i'm gonna go and make him feel guilty and say i've got a medical condition there yeah i'm really sorry kev but i've uh i've got you can still do the most funny ibs is there a condition that you can't control control it they just come out yeah dirty bastard i just think i call it but no kev yeah i mean it did stink as well yeah You know, if you're just out for a...

56:07Has he shit his sin? No. Or just farted? Just farted. You're right, that second one, uncalled for. Yeah, you know how bad the first one's been. You know that it's... 12 cans of Thigston's in. Reinforcements are coming thick and fast. And if you're out for a nice meal, just like a nice drink with your missus, Kev's at the bar with Sally, and next minute, that's drifted over. See, I always... Why is Kev taking on himself to like... I know, because she's on Coronation Street. Don't think you're fucking almighty and big and clever, but he farts. Yeah. Fucking put you down a fucking cortina or two.

56:40You prick. Michael Lavelle. Yes. I saw him in Costco once. Not like the smell. You can't be raging with somebody for a pump, can you? Yeah, you can. If his shit is sent, fair enough. If it's a stinky one, and then he's going to get... It's the second one that's done it. It's loud. It stinks. Do you think he's already on route out? Or do you think he's gone because of that? No, I think he's done the second one and the Mardi one's probably laughed. Yeah. Like a bit of a cocky grin on his face. And everybody else is like... Someone needed to stand up. We'll just leave with a man. Just walk out. You don't need to like...

57:24You know what though? If it had clocked in one, it would have been looking... Well, that's why he didn't. Well, yeah. Come up to me, LaBelle. Just because I've met a smell. That was bad when I shipped me and sent him Benny home though and I thought, oh, somebody's stinking here. I moved 10 yards at the side and I still smell it. On the fourth move, I thought, this could be me, this. Roll it back on me skirt. There you may.

58:00I've got one here. Worst tattoo, Benidorm and an apology. Hi lads, no need to keep me anonymous. I was recently lucky enough to be invited away with friends and fellow koshers to Benidorm for Cheltenham weekend. Ooh. Yeah, there's a picture attached. They've got the colours on, the kosh colours. Like that, lads. Like it. Herein lies a tale and a question. In the build-up to Goin, everyone was really giddy, and an Instagram reel was being passed around by a group that included the song Orinoco Flow by Enya. Sail away, sail away, sail away. At Manchester Airport, the song was played by one of the group and it became a bit of a thing.

58:46I happened to mention that my dad, sadly taken too soon, was a big fan of Enya. Anyway, after a heavy first night and a fur few creamy pints, the next morning, myself and a pal Alex, the same lad whose story you read out about staying in a hotel in Florida where the Furries Convention was on. Oh, so you're a pal then, isn't it? Egged each other on to get a tattoo. Anyway, one thing led to another and, photo attached, we got the word Enya on our arses. whilst wearing our O 'Neill's under the cost shirts, a must-have. What's an enema? Is that when your nouse falls out? Yeah. Well, no, an enema is like a douche in it, when you have water sprayed up.

59:36The proviso was it was giddy song-related and a tribute to my old man. I chose to let my wife know in advance of returning home so that she would have simmered down before I got home. this was my first tattoo and was of a woman's name which I didn't think about at the time Alex did so I'd like to apologise to Alex's wife Helen I'm sure she's listening for my part in this I would also like to apologise to my wife for my drunkenness at least my gran found it hilarious she was very much correct when she said you're 40 years old and you need to grow the fuck up and a final apology it goes to the other boys who have taken flack from their respective partners over it all it won't happen again and I want to ask you boys now you've seen it has there ever been a worst holiday tattoo thanks for all you do fuck cancer and up the fucking cosh P.S.

1:00:38I've attached a video I've put together of the few days I'm the plonker in the Guinness hat cheers not myself but you know the lads all play cricket who to play cricket with. I'm going to send some photos. When they have a bet, if you lose the bet, you've got to get the other one's name tattooed on you. I'm sure one of the lads has got like five names down his calf, like Steve, Nigel, Trevor, Eric. I'm playing paddle with him on Sunday. I'm sure he's got four or five names down his calf from bets that he's lost. I think he's going to stop betting. Well, the thing is, I know he's apologising and I've bought that story when they get together in 15 years.

1:01:22Yeah. And he's shut as well. Yeah. I know it is, but is Enya a woman's name? I've only ever known one person called Enya. Where was she from? Enya. I think she might be Finnish. No. She got an album out last year. Ireland. She's Irish. Gwido in Ireland I wonder if that's just a stage name Mind you, it does sound like an Irish name Yeah

1:01:54Ethni Padraigin Ni Baronean That's a real name Yeah, I'd have gone with Ennur and all Good Shorten, love Good Shorten Have you seen this school one? Sorry if interrupted You're going to have to beat my ruts of school out This is a bit of a weird one I imagine you get that a lot but there's a dad who sometimes drop who does the school drop off at primary school in North Leeds that I think is the footballer Chris Brown don't want to be rude and stare don't want to be rude and ask easier to email big fan of the podcast and I've done almost every one bought tickets to multiple live shows and been a Patreon if that makes confirmation or denial more likely keep up the good work has he not said anything about having a big nose all around to hit you with a fish no he bought tickets to the live show he just didn't come i'd have just is it so can you confirm for him yeah that's just yeah that is me i tell you what go and say hello next next in fact go for a coffee with him yeah he's a big fan i'll serve up a big fart and just do it it's hard to see if he starts pointing your finger yeah i'll just get your cock out and have a wank and just see me he goes well that's what you're into No problem.

1:03:11Not in me air, please. Anywhere else, just not in me air. Anything else before we depart? Not for me, Chris. No, I'm dumb. Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars. The moon's wank. See you next week. Oh, perry kosh.

1:03:40in that pub, your Friday Club. Bing bang bosh, with all of your favorites from under the castle. If you want to share a story, I'll relive a formatory. Fart of the wheat, or clap in them cheeks. Maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank. It's all here on the Friday Club.

1:04:01It's all here on the Friday Club.