Friday Club | Golden Balls

0:00Rated T for team.

0:30Reese's peanut butter cups. They go perfectly with music, podcasts, and welcome back to the show. Even nature sounds. Oh, and the thing where someone crinkles tissue and whispers at you. Hello. Look, I'm not here to judge what you listen to. I'm here to judge you for not eating Reese's while you listen to it. Reese's. Ashley, go back to the nature sounds.

0:58Nice. Yeah, it was really nice.

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1:55It's all here on the Friday Club.

2:00It's all here on the Friday Club. He's in a good mood this morning, John. I don't know if you've noticed. I don't know what he's... Because I had a bed to sleep in. No, not you, Ian. Always makes it about himself. I know. I wasn't talking about you. Oh, he's in a good mood this morning, John, if you've noticed. I thought you were talking to Chris about me. No, no. Oh, well, what's up? It just seems a bit... What's up? You got to the gym, didn't you? Yeah. How have you been to the gym? I didn't sleep again last night, but you know when you've not slept you dig a bit deeper and elevate your some of us do attitude that's what i like about you chris no matter how you've slept what kind of mood you're in you always rise up pick yourself up especially for the especially for work professional it should pop at me again this i've come back to you now yeah this one is about you do you like my trackies?

2:51Thick Look at that wool inside The insides of them look like a real sheep What I've learned from this podcast has been very helpful with these because they've got a very like you said, sheepish innards, very woolly you do need the balls out because you know sometimes when you have a dribble but you've got a pair of trackies on it, it sucks up doesn't it These, no, stays on the surface you feel the moisture yeah you can't be dribbling in these well just as well the techniques there then in it we're all very relaxed dressed today aren't we no socks for you biggie no i've not put them on yet i've not been up long i'm gonna go out of the house it's a bit cold down here though go out in pajamas ever that relaxed no he's come to training in a dressing gown before i think i've said that i know yeah just a dressing gown just to drink that note underneath.

3:45No.

3:48Can you imagine, you know, Sky Sports are everywhere now and social media and that. Imagine a teenager being at a training ground and filming people coming in, you know, when they're coming in the cars. Yeah. And that gets out in a dressing room. Yeah, because every club has them now, don't they, where they're asking them questions about what they're getting for Christmas or whatever. Mm-hmm. I once went out, in fact, more than once, maybe three or four times I've been out in pyjama, in my pyjama bottom. out out town out why I've been Tesco and stuff you know nipping for a bit of bread and milk but never out out I've been town out why because I used to go I used to go to the club on a Saturday night right thinking to myself right I'll just go I'm up in the morning quite early I don't want to go into town so I thought if I go in my jamas to the club then it's going to stop me going into town innit and then it'd get to like half ten.

4:46And you're in the nightclub and you're super Ted Bottoms. Somebody would get the nod and we'd go in a towel and I'd be like, look at my legs and think, yeah, fuck it, I will. So maybe three or four times. The thing is, after the first time, you know that pyjama bottoms doesn't stop you and you've still gone with them. Do you know what I mean? They were like a straight leg, baggy trouser bottom as well. Obviously no pants. They sound gorgeous. So you're lovely, like a grey colour. I wish you were to wear the same ones. The thing is, if you ended up going out in London, like in Shoreditch or something, you'd go full circle where people would think you're really trendy.

5:23You know, look at him, he's gone for a relaxed pyjama look. Well, pyjama bottoms, but... In his smoking jacket. I would say they could have got away with being bad trousers, but they were pyjama bottoms. I remember once in a club and fucking... some Giorgio Armani trouser bottoms but they were like chefs you know checkered checkered and fucking sat there playing cards I think I'm fucking really set the bastards of fire I'm just dealing guards are fuck there's a bit of fire in kitchen I thought, I smell a bit of fucking burning synthetic here. And I look down and one of my legs, I've worked my legs on fire.

6:14You're not fuming? Were you not raging? Yeah, absolutely furious. I still don't think I've got him back, to be honest. Were they bad? Well, they were a nice trouser, they were a nice pyjama bottom, but they were ruined, like, yeah. And was he doing it? Is there like, what the fuck are you doing coming out in pyjamas? I'm going to set them on fire. Probably, yeah, because I don't think I've ever seen him set anybody's jeans on fire. No. Or any other sort of garment, really. Yeah, so I couldn't go out that night in burnt jammers. Yeah, that's one step too far, isn't it? Slippers. He used to go out with my slippers regularly a couple of times.

6:54And was it the same thing? I'll put my slippers on so I won't go out. Yep. But I used to put them on with my jeans. You know, like the moccasin slipper. They're back in. Are they? Yeah. I think I might have still got them somewhere. Yeah. And would you end up out in the slippers? I'd be out in town in slippers, yeah. Again, if you were in Shoreditch, all these hipsters would be going, hey, I'm going to get myself some of them. He looks good. You're like a rubber bottom and a felt top. Yeah. But like a shoe slip-on thing. Nice. I think I remember them. But didn't you used to fold the backs down?

7:26Because you were too lazy to put your feet full foot in. You know what I mean? No. You used to do that with your slippers, didn't you? What, fold the backs down? Yeah, just because you think, oh, I can't be arsed to actually slip my foot in. I don't think I ever had the full wraparounds. I always had the open backs. Yes, you've got the convertibles. You've got the open backs, aren't you? I know. But I have had somewhere I've thought, oh, I can't be arsed to place my foot in this shoe. I'm just going to ruin the heel. Yeah. Just flatten them. Just trying to work out why I went in my dressing gown that morning.

7:56It must have been late-ish. It's all been going off in Horwich. Sent you the video, didn't it? Oh, yeah. Have you gotten to the bottom of that? So we've had an explanation. I'll put the video on the explanation in the Patreon group. But basically, all the Facebook's pages were going off. You know, the local groups. Somebody had filmed a crash at Junction near me. A bloke, now Tom, getting out at car, running with a pair of trousers under his arm into bushes. There's a dog running loose. And everyone's like, what the hell's going on here? See, I'm no detective. Straight away, I'm thinking he's been caught shagging here.

8:39Is that our cynical minds, though, John? When I showed you the video... Oh, his wanking in the car. Yeah, that's what you said initially. He's been having a wanking car, although I don't know why you'd remove trouser fully for a wank in the car. He wouldn't completely de-robe. Last thing you want to do is get it on your jeans. What did you used to do? Hanging out the zip. Come on, Chris. I can play the explanation, can I? 100 % So yeah There's carnage at the junction You know Bits of wing mirrors And bits of bumpers And everything All over the place Everybody's stopped And this fella's Just running down the street With a pair of trousers Under his arm Everybody's like What the hell's going on here I think I recognise him Is that Is that Frank Taylor What's he doing Is he in Is he barefooted Socks Can we just have a look Is the shoe No Oh no He's doing that He's doing that That dance The stones That walk Yeah, ooh, stones.

9:33Swear when you stand there. Even them little stones, aren't they? Very sore. And there's a dog running loose. I don't know what all that's about. But after people just assuming what's happened, making assumptions, a full explanation is now out there. So before you start it, Chris, some really cynical people might have put two and two together and got, he's got no trousers on, he's running away, and there's a dog running loose. Dog nonce. You know, because obviously in Bolton, and somebody got caught with a King Charles Spaniel on the end of the cock, didn't they? Yeah, they did. I don't know if it's rife for it up that end.

10:06So you'd think he's been entering a dog. Quite possibly at the junction. Somebody's had a look. Irresponsible driver for a start. Somebody's had a look, double tech, and just gone straight into the car in front. Well, here we go. This will happen. Started typing it out, but it was too complicated. So the story is, the lowdown is, he parked his car on Beaumont Chase, where Mark used to live, which is on the opposite side of where the Three Pigeons is, walked across the road to the estate with the big houses to meet the woman he was having an affair with. Husband knew what was going on, turned back around, walked in the house while he was shagging his wife.

10:49He grabbed his pants, ran across the road, jumped in his car with his pants still at the side of him, got in the car and drove off across the lights with the husband chasing him smashed into all the cars the husband chased him across the road he grabbed his pants ran up the road the dog is has already jumped out of somebody else's car that he's smashed into and he's run back to the house with the woman that he's having the affair with with his pants down and locked him and her in the house the police firstly what was the name of the pub the three pigeons that set the tone yes daft question I'm assuming the police have arrested him for the crash not yeah he's done nothing else has he exposing yeah no he's got underpants on he's got underpants on oh is he has he let's have a look I don't think he has I think he's asked is that oh yeah you know he bums out yeah so he could he could get done for a decent exposure as well entering a dog in decent exposure causing a crash.

11:55Irresponsible driving. Do you think the all hell's breaking loose? Do you think the husband's out of order chasing him? Eh? Eh, what? It's irresponsible driving, isn't it? Do you know, if he's gone to work and then the guy's gone round and he's walloping and he's obviously got his trousers off and he's turned round and he's got back to his house, has he then escaped and got in his car? I reckon. I think if I'm If I'm caught in Mrs. Shaggin, right, I don't think I'm letting him slip away. I think he maybe has seen him coming and gone through the back door or front door and gone round and he's left his shoes.

12:33The shoes at the bottom of the stairs. You're like, what the fuck's that? Yeah, which is good. They look after their house. He's took his shoes off. But if you park, smack behind his car, he can't drive away, can he? But he's parked across road, hasn't he? So he's not on the drive. that's that's twisted behaviour don't put your car on the drive park across the road that's what his neighbours finding out yeah there's a lesson there isn't there what don't shag somebody else's wife don't drive naked that's not the major lesson I'm thinking about in this story do not park near three pigeons it's a bad junction that is renowned for crashes don't go that way if you're leaving somebody's house somebody else not near that junction at three pigeons especially when you're involved in Fast and Furious I'm surmising husband's he's known he's thought what's going on checking a phone known he's coming right right I'm going to work love got in his car he's gone down past three pigeons left at junction done a looper come back round seen his car outside pulled up on drive ran I reckon I'm filling the gaps in confrontation you fuck it and he's rather than having the fisticuffs, he's just bolted past him and outdoor, and he's thought, fuck this, I'm having you.

13:53Got in the car, after him, smash. I do feel a little bit, well, do I feel, no, I don't feel sorry for him, but he has had one hell of a bad morning. He's been caught shagging, he's had to run out with no pants on, he's ripped his car off, and his premium's going to go through the roof, because by the look of it, he's at about four cars. And he's got three million views on Facebook. Yeah, and he's at pullowing to a load of bushes with his bum out. Do we know who it is? Somebody on Orich Live or whatever it's called must know who it is. He must have a name by now. I hadn't had a look again so I literally got the information and brought it to the table.

14:32Yeah, I don't think Monon's getting much worse than that. Somebody will recognise that bum. Yeah, his wife. Somebody will recognise that face, I think. I wonder if he... He might be a kosher. Yeah. Yeah, we don't. we don't have them shows of focus by the way in in his plight his plight for eternal youth it's getting beyond a joke man so so it gets down to epi know whatever we were last night the night before so we just lied in bed it's probably about half 10 ish so i'm like just dozing and whatever the next thing boom the light comes on John I'm gonna show you me nightly routine I'm like right sound so in the bathroom comes out some sort of lotion and portion which is his face but as he's doing it he's talking to me about the benefits of it whatever this watch is so there this defoliates exfoliates gets you dead skin it's yeah it's got this this this and this in it right sound so it goes back in washes it off so the next thing it comes in with this bottle thing we have a pump a pump and cotton wool balls so much so I've heard this like somebody pumping a bike tire up right so he gets his cotton is in a rhythmic motion is clean his face like this like this like this like this that's or five minutes is I'm gonna do this for you in a bit our sound next thing goes into the bathroom comes out with some other portion right this is the pre serum lotion puts this on right he's like show me the technique to put it on like not just wipe it on like normal folk goes back into the bathroom right this is a big dog this is a serum comes and shows me that's the serum so it puts this cinnamon blah de blah de blah.

16:35It started at half ten, right? It's five to eleven now. And he just turned the light off. Like, what the fuck? But just before he did turn the light off, he says, lay there. So I'm laying there, comes in and then boom. Cotton one ball. So he's doing my face as I'm laying on my back. He's giving you a facial? Doing my thing like that, right? He went, finish. How's your face feel? I went, exactly the same as what I did before you said. No, that's a lie. That's a lie. He went, show me the cotton wool ball thing. Cotton wool pad. No, the pad. What do you mean? Take makeup off with? Filthy. Black. Fuck off.

17:13What was? He went, look at that. I went, what am I looking at? Couldn't see fuck all on it. Couldn't not see fuck all on it. So anyway. So then I put my own moisturiser on because I've started having a bash. So half past 10 to 5 to 11, this operation. So that's his new route. You do it last night? Yeah, every day now. New man. Is this all the gear you got from the spunk woman? Some of it. When's your next injection, by the way? I'm on the sick next Tuesday. I'm in Tuesday morning. Oh, yeah? Yeah, so if we've got a podcast in, I can't make it. Do they do a check on these sperm? What, like a... Just looking now, like, probably a million salmon in Scotland, and I think you've got a jaffa.

18:02no well if you listen to him impotent salmon he said I'll want this one it's not it don't work now it's Harry Monk I need three don't I three in three weeks every three weeks but you wash your face and then black on that paw therapy after it it's black and he was even blacker so wash your face ladies and gentlemen what a fuck I swear to God I couldn't see fuck all on it. Basically you've been sucked in by a bird at sperm clinic. Yeah, I'll hear this product but buy this one, this one, this one. I have been doing a bit of research though. There's a thing such a thing called Manjaro face. Sucks the old cheeks in.

18:45We need to get the big dog looked after because I don't want... I think you can notice when someone's on the javelins. The last thing they stood up fucking in front of the altar I look like Scream. But your face will be clean. I like me clean, I'm thin. I just look like Scream. We don't want you looking like... You know, you see them at New York Fashion Week and all this. Well, you Googled somebody, didn't you? What was thingy? Osborne. Oh, yeah, Kelly and Sharon Osborne. Yeah, they look like... So we need to look after them cheekbones. Kelly's unrecognisable. Don't worry, I'm not going to go too far.

19:23Yeah, she used to have a bit of a boulder head, didn't she? Boulder head? She used to be a right fucking unit. see if there's any treatment out there that can sort the big one's face out last thing I want is mangyro kite I mean you can talk about what we say but it's gone really woke this podcast why? mangyro injections bloody serums it's your fault you started with a you've got the eye cream and that no I didn't start your face isn't out of biography and all that bollocks See I'm not arsed mate You ought to have a lot more arsed than me But it doesn't make me laugh though right Let his helmet go away It'll be sat there under fucking 40 degrees Not a bitter SPF on I'll have the carrot on my forehead He'll get that You know when he gets up to It's like a burnt forehead innit He gets it every time You put him on Nah I'll see it through Nah them days are over Strictly 50s SPF I have got an email from a female listener.

20:27By the way, we're getting old, you know. I don't think we're real. I know we're obviously in his head. Maybe we should. I mean, yeah, the creams and stuff, that's gracefully, isn't it? As soon as you start. I don't think there's nothing wrong with a bit of self-care. No, not at all. You can't be going under Botox and knife and all that stuff. You can't get injections with anything in your face. It's dangerous. Nucleotides or whatever they called it's regenerative remember so it repairs your skin so fun educate it's a whole at walk it's an education it's a podcast you have an education if we could say any fucking words

21:19lads i'm coming at you with some hot hot facts once again did you know that one in five men in the uk experience changes in sexual performance as they get older well med express can provide supporting minutes through the free online consultation. Is it a confidential online? Oh, of course. Some people might feel comfortable speaking to their mates about it, but I'm tipping a lot wooden. And, you know, with the stuff, getting doctor's appointments, people won't want to do that. You can do it in your comfort of your own home, on your computer, privately. It's hard enough to get a doctor's appointment when you're poorly.

21:57Do you mind when you've got... And you've talked a lot about your floppy little soldier, John. The only floppy little soldier I have, mate, is when I dip into my chucky eggs. Now, to be fair, I had a friend who was having some problems. Little bold thingy is. Glasses, beard, fat. And to be fair to him, he got online, he had his appointment, and he's never looked back. No, I know what you mean. And he told me how easy it was, just a short online consultation, and they suggested the right treatment for his concerns. And they cover everything from erectile dysfunction to premature ejaculation, all from the comfort of your own arm.

22:39So what you're going to do is visit medexpress.co.uk and check your eligibility. And this is incredible. Get 30 % off with a code COSH. I'm just going to butt in there. There's one question for you here, Chris. I'm RJ Decker, a private investigator. uncovering the sunshine state's darkest secrets. Tuesdays, it's the premiere of ABC's hottest new crime show. R.J. freaking Decker as I live and breathe. He's a private eye. It's not a standard murder. It's someone bigger. And a public mess. Trying to get sent back to prison today? You go to prison one time and suddenly it's all the jokes. R.J. Decker, series premiere, Tuesdays on ABC and stream on Hulu.

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24:00Choose your sweetness, dial it up, or keep things light. Add a touch of pistachio, a hint of strawberry, or vanilla. Or make it a spring classic with lavender. Because this season, there's endless ways to chai at Starbucks. Genuine question. If you had a threesome with your missus, this is strictly towards you, Chris. What end or hole, in brackets, would you give up to the second male? Straight up answer. No time for condom questions, durations, etc. You can't just chuck that out. Belly button. Yeah. Not the fanny. No. So it looks like they're marfed, doesn't it? They'd be just asking if I have to make a decision there and then.

24:54Gun to me head. Yeah, right. Second question. How would you feel when you find you've been left out and Parking Brownie are top and tail? Oh, come on! That is... That's sick. That's not... No, that's not even laughable. That's not good. I'm laughing. Oh, you want which end in us two? Oh, come on. stop it the conversation finished but you wouldn't give up the vagina not for any man where you would which end would you give up if you had to I think the question is directly we're going to move on I'm putting it out on the table that's a horrible thought horrible question it's quite sick in fact the thing is he's actually gone in because you've got previous for wanting specifics no pissing about All right, lads.

25:47If you could keep this one anonymous, please. It was 2001, and I was in the last year of my teens in Bourne and Bournemouth. I always thought Bournemouth was vibrant. If you're from there, though, you know, anywhere can be good for a visit. You see it day in, day out. I do think, though, if you live close to a beach, you've always got something to fall back on, haven't you? Whether it's boomeranging and fishing. Yeah. I just started a new office job. Stone skinny, making sandcastles. Usual mix of people in the office, but one woman instantly caught my attention. Tall, slim, pretty face. I mean, that three, it's a good travel, isn't it?

26:29And carried herself well. Let's call her Susie. Ooh, Susie, Susie. Susie, Susie. After a few weeks, I'd settle in work, and to my surprise, we had started to hit it off in conversations. she was 12 years older than me so i wasn't 100 sure if it was proper flirting or just normal office banter at this stage anyway after a few more weeks she asked if i'd like to come for drinks with a few people from the office of course i said yes when i arrived at the pub it was packed and i made my way to the bar where i saw susie who looked absolutely incredible so late she's 30s he's how old is he sorry you say late teens yeah fantasy tackle was in it yeah 30 plus this is all right cougars are the older woman in it yeah milf isn't she this is this is sounding incredible she then explained to me that the others we were meeting had to drop out for one reason or the other or another fucking has he uh has he been hoodwinked jackpot he says and still she's known that they're not going and she's made an effort yeah because if she wasn't interested she's cancelling as well and she's still got ready still looking incredible as he put it but we know that as 40 odd year old men he don't know that does he and he's still up in air with her yeah inexperienced green we had a good few drinks and later when we were heading to another pub she pulled my arm and drag me into an alleyway.

28:05We kissed passionately while she pulled my one word. I've just got like elastic band pull. You know what I mean? Yeah. Stretch. Do you think it's just one pull? I don't know, is it? You know, like when them old school toilet chains? Yeah. Or a vigorous toss. Yeah. Or has she led him down the alley by his penis? Like a dog lead. That was the start of what only can be described as a young pub's dream. Over the next few months, she gave me the ultimate education in all things sex. We were at it everywhere. Indoors, outdoors, in pubs, clubs, and even at work on one occasion. Ooh, go on, Babby. She had pointed out quite early on that she doesn't do blowjobs.

28:54Oh, she's ruined it. Spoiler sense, hasn't there? Never has. Never has? and never will. That's a strange quirk, isn't it? Well, I've got a mate who will not lick fanny. Makes him feel sick. Is he single? He is now, yeah. Oh, no, he's not. No, he's not now. He met somebody else. But they've just got a little puppy. Right, where was I? I once had that conversation with Ricardo Fuller. He was disgusted on licking fanny. You know, the Jamaicans and that. They don't like it? They think it's filth. Really? Yeah, they were like absolutely disgusting, like almost gipping. I was getting my sack emptied so regular though it didn't really bother us.

29:40All was going great until that fatal day. After some pre-match bedroom gymnastics, we settled down to watch England's World Cup qualifying game against Greece. You remember the one? Very well. Cue some exciting, fluid-draining halftime entertainment. So he's gone at half-time as well. He's an animal, isn't he? Is she? Yeah. Still no suckies, though. No. Second half starts, and we equalise only for the Feta Brigade to score again. I thought that was a title, but... The Feta Brigade. It'll be a second, then. Yeah, same. Minor panic that he'd come in with a racist slur, but I think Feta. They like the Feta, don't they?