Friday Club | Grandma's Silk Glove

0:00Before the season even kicks off, soccer fans are already making predictions. Who wins the league? Who qualifies for Europe? And who's lifting the trophy at season's end? On Calci, America's number one prediction market platform, you're trading against peers in a live market, meaning there's no house. And as the probability changes, you can buy in and out of your position. For a limited time, download the Calci app and use code CUP26 to get$10 when you trade 10. K-A-L-S-H-I, Calci. Trade the beautiful game. 18 plus only restrictions and eligibility requirements apply. Event contract trading involves risk and may not be suitable for all investors.

0:32Prices, values, and available markets may differ from those mentioned. For more information, see calsheet.com slash regulatory. This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required. Compatibility and availability varies 18+.

1:37P-Dog's back in the house. I'm just in the middle of a set, lads. Can you just be quiet? Big Daddy. Is that my name? Is that my name for it? Big Daddy. Fuck me. What an experience that were, by the way. So just to recap, you went to Wireless at the weekend. Yep. Enjoy it? I'll tell you what I did. I really enjoy watching Oliver. Really enjoy it. Yeah. For the first three hours. So we got in about, it got delayed an hour for some reason. Who? The whole thing? The whole thing. I don't know if it were people trying to get in or what? 30 degrees, obviously. Oh, wow. So we get in. Obviously, there's somebody on the stage.

2:18So he went, I want to go and watch that. Are you coming? I was like, right, I'll come. So I went for five or six minutes. I said, I'm going to get a drink. Went to bar. Disaster. It was that like fruity IPA lager. What, and that's it? That was it. Obviously, you could get gin and tonics and all that, but obviously that's not me. Gin and juice. Bind it. So I went back over to him. I said, look, I'm going to go and lie under a tree for a bit. So I went and lied under a tree for two hours. What? Lied under a tree for two hours. Tried getting to sleep. This fucking young set of lasses sat behind me, talking absolute shit.

2:56Wapped me up, so I'm fucking raging. Can you imagine it from their perspective? This big middle-aged man just sat under a tree. That nuns over there having a kit. That nuns. So he came over, he says, so-and-so's on at quarter past six. I says, right, I'll come for that. So I went to watch this last, and then Drake's on at half eight, quarter past eight, something like that. So we ended up staying where we were then for about four and a half hours. and then the main man came on. Fucking place went nuts. It was all right. It was all right. I've heard some lingo come into his vocabulary since then.

3:36It was like, bruh! Stop. There was a weight that wore past and he went, excuse me, rude boy.

3:48Skivety toilet wrist. Find the lager, please, fam.

3:55Oliver on loudspeaker and he went he enjoyed it more than he's going to let on so it was a long day he enjoyed it more than he's going to let on I'll be honest with you I weren't like one more song I won't give any of that did you find a beverage of choice by the end of the day water I had one mouthful of a can of lager while I was here and it was shit it's mad your mentality when it comes to that you know I get it kind of but I'd just find another drink yeah find an alternative where you're just like there's no lager I don't like it I'll just have water no I'm going to go and lie under that tree I reckon I was definitely in the oldest 20 people there really did you socialise with any other nonsense so one woman who were doing the same she was just on her phone internet shopping but she's always been in the same boat you just stood out like a sofa as well some young lads what are you 6 '4 yeah there was some young lass like a group of three lasses in front of us so when we're watching this woman he went he wanted to be mixing I said I'll just stand to you I'll just stay to you and this lass young lass probably about 18 19 she went when this song comes on can I get on your shoulders to you yeah panicked didn't I yeah of course you can did you get her up did I fuck I started moonwalking didn't I every song as that a moonwalker then when this song come on she turned around to look and i was too far back once i got to do it but i played that a treat at any point did you do a bit of a two-step you know they do just do your trump do what do i imagine that we're flipping started from the bottom everybody else going wild there were one song that i knew i think it affects loads of other folk art drake right bobby valentino you this will be lost on news bobby valentino lauren hill he said Nelly I thought it was Nelly but it weren't Nelly he just cuts his face had a plaster on shaving cut but he absolutely loved it chaos getting out but managed to walk walk half an hour that's good enough isn't it when you're living vicuoriously through that seeing them enjoy it oh yeah I get that so he says can we come next year I says can we fuck I says you can come on your own I forgot that it was just you two I thought he was taking a mate.

6:21No. That was our advice. Take a mate and then you can just sit under a tree all day. Since the two we got thingied, I was never bothered about Oasis. Yeah. But then seeing footage and that. Looks brilliant, doesn't it? Did you see the fella that couldn't get a ticket, but he went as a litter pick, put a high vis on. Got in. And blagged his way to the front. Yeah. Do you know what? I was reading the buzz around it and the hype and everybody wanting to go, whether it's, this is going a bit deeper into it, it's more than the music. It's like people, like a nostalgia of a better time. Yeah. You know, the good old days.

6:58It's like going back to when you, you didn't have to worry about what you said and offending people. And it's kind of. That's our game, isn't it? What, offending people? No, trying not to offend people. Did you see the fellow in, I think it was the first one, Cardiff, afterwards, just in floods of tears. Yeah. He was just like, amazed. See, I'd only ever had a ticket for the Saturday night just gone in Manchester. Gave it up for Drake, didn't he? Honestly? Yeah. How has he managed to wangle one of them? Well, I just messaged Noel, didn't I? Did you not want any for Manchester? I could have got you some no bother.

7:36Why did you not ask? You ought to go, just let me know. I could get you some for any, wouldn't you? Now, somebody, I think his mate's dad got him. that obviously it dropped on the same weekend. Yeah. I tell you we haven't mentioned in a while and he's reared his ugly head. I know what you're going to say. Gregory. Yes, Gregles. Wallace. He's come back. No, no, he's gone. No, not come back, but he's come back into story this last week, I think. Yeah, because BBC have fucked him off altogether, haven't they? Is that what it is? Yeah. But this will explain you. Remember when he blamed certain things on his, what do you call it?

8:14ADHD yeah he's blamed his lack of underwear to his down to his autism what? yeah there were a fair few at that fucking do last Friday we didn't wear underwear either by the way jeez some of the outfits man want me anywhere to put my eyes I'm getting the word but yeah he can't wear underwear because of his autism but he's just he's gonna start is that why he's not come at I think I think that's what he's trying to get at yeah sorry I put my knob in the cheese flam I'm just autistic no problem Greg you'll keep dipping away how was the holiday? heavy yeah but really good we I think there was 10 of us 10 of Louise's family and it was they like to drink and competitive family as well so there was we made a volleyball net I thought you were about competitive drinking no and we had we had a good laugh I'd recommend competitive to the point where you then get competitive because everybody else is 100 % this is like business now and like and is it over the white line that any of the family like get a bit aggy afterwards if results haven't gone the way nah well I think I would have done if we lost but luckily we won or else I'd have been well you started getting pissed off with him at paddling goodbye didn't you just fucking stand further back I don't think is he just just let it bounce I was just giving up yeah let it bounce we had a game actually over there yeah good game there's a place in Barnsley that do it now so are you shoulder barging Louise's mum out of way and stuff no but you know remember meet the parents yeah there was a couple of them dunking no smash ignores straight in my sister's face have that got to be ruthless did you apologise I give it a hand no when you clip one over the net and it hits the cord.

10:11Just give it. I tell you what, can I bring back the thingy reviews, Trivia Advisor? You can do it. So this one's from a review of going to a Leeds away game. So his visit to Leeds, basically. Got a two-star hotel for£95. I knew it was two-star, but for£95, I expected something livable. Last night and this morning, I spent my time sleeping and washing in what I can only imagine Imagine is the overspill for Leeds Prison, but we move. The hotel reception was flooded for our whole stay. I went out yesterday before the game and somehow managed to get shat on by a bird. That's not the hotel's fault, is it?

10:53And walked around the city like it, not knowing. We went to the pub, chatting with Leeds fans until one of them noticed George was in shorts and said, what's your mate doing in shorts? Is he a postman by trade? To which George replied, no, but if I was a nonce by trade, I'd support Leeds. That didn't go down well. Onto the next pub. Won't even talk about the game. Using two days annual leave and spending a bomb to concede a 93rd minute penalty on a Tuesday night 200 miles from home is never great. Somehow got persuaded by the boys to go and have a student night. The only problem with this is when you're in a bar with loads of hippies who are 18 and 19 you really stand out like a pedophile sore thumb.

11:34When you're 6 foot 2 28 years old dressed head to toe in Stone Island overall 2 out of 10 would not recommend and if I ever go back to Leeds it'll be far too soon not a fan of Leeds do the pedophiles have bigger thumbs?

11:53I don't know the bird that shit on him yeah unless it's a budgie in the hotel you can't you can't be putting that down as a negative point Do you think£95 a lot for a Tuesday night? Yeah, it's not cheap. Two star? Yeah, I don't think it's... Premier in, you can get both 70s, 80s. I think he's just fuming they've got beat, haven't they? And decided to take it out on Leeds. But to be fair, his mate's lucky he's not got a crack. I know. On to the next pub. And do you know, no matter what your music tastes, no matter what you're into, I think an ABBA night can turn you around after a few drinks. everyone's doing their dad struts on their especially on a because you limited options aren't you on a Tuesday if there's an Abernite you're like oh that's going to be the best yeah best of a bad bunch so yeah I don't like that never at the hotel or the pigeon I've got an email here some heavy heavy advice needed oh I think I know what's coming here hi Coshers great podcast blah blah blah Patreon member from day one and suddenly find myself needing your help Please keep this anonymous Back in April I met this girl Let's call her Chloe We hit it off straight away She's a very decent nine In truth Well out of my league She's the perfect height for me Blonde And has a top rate Athletic chassis That's always well tanned And we get on unbelievably well We've both now met each other's parents And that's all great She mixes with all my Gareth Gates Mate and they think she's top two let me just expand this she's got new glasses by the way no excuse I know what you're all thinking she's either got big hands or feet like trap 2 or it's a bedroom problem and unfortunately the second is partly true though here's the thing sex is amazing she's got at least a championship level tuppy that's exceptionally well maintained and knows what to do with it.

14:04She's just the right mix of cheeky and dirty. Perfect. I can't see any problems, are they? Except she has a big turn on. We've heard this before. It must be a thing. Just one. She gets fully going on the smell of body odour. Like, the worse is better. even though her own hygiene is on point if she's had a drink she really goes to town and if I've not had a David Gower she'll be in there licking my armpits clean whilst I pretend I'm okay with it without the stink sex is less frequent and it's a bit beige getting some stink on it is clearly something you can't just switch on when it's bedroom time it needs hours of prep and that involves me being exposed to other people in the build phase and in the heat of the last few months has had me in some uncomfortable situations.

15:03How on earth do I balance the needs of this outstanding woman with the social needs to not stink in public? Without the option of a desert island, I'm worried there isn't a way through this. Cautious, please help. I don't know what to do. It's unearthed and you... I've never known anything like... But it's the second one, isn't it? So it's obviously a thing. It might even be the third. I think you've just got to, if everything else is perfect, you've just got to roll with it. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Especially because she, he says, she maintains it perfectly, her own hygiene. Just go with it.

15:40I think maybe get a stinky towel in the garage. Treadmill? End of the bed? No, just get a small gym kit. Stinky towel in the end of the bed. Stick it on. just put it on an hour before showtime and then just keep it in the garage in garage yeah yeah they stink and all don't they do a workout in it and then just leave it yeah but then you know when we'll say rub it in and go and get your vibrator she'll be like go and get your new balance on yeah you do your new balance and get them dirty gruds because it's a proper fusty when we say go and get your vibrator. You know what I mean, to get in the mood.

16:21It's time, look, go get your vibrator. Go get your dilly. But now, I think you've got, I think that's probably the best way to get around it. Just have some mucky kit in your garage. And we've said it before, nobody's perfect. And if that's the only flaw. Yeah. Imagine that. You don't want to hands up for Jesus. Is it just? Have you? No. Come here. You must be a shaver. You can't. I don't know if it would be nice or not. Can she lick her in that? I think she'd like get it in her teeth. You could turn it up a notch. You know, like get down the old joke shop for some fart gas. You know, the spray.

16:57Yeah, she hasn't mentioned that she likes pumps. I wonder if they do like a sweaty one. I bet you there's someone online. A spray. That can make you smell a shit. Make you smell. She doesn't like shit. No, but it's crap then. It makes you smell bad. Like B.O. Like raw. I think that's your best option. So you don't have to do that much preparation. Does it go on more? I mean, remember the one that liked coming on feet? Yeah, I think that's stranger than... More unusual than... It's not more unusual than licking a sweaty armpit. Were you saying that you know someone who sells the gym gear? Yeah, like an OnlyFans type.

17:39Yeah. But I think that's to other men. I think other men like sniffing it and that, don't they? Well, same, but women are into it as well. But it's mad that sex is beige without it. But then when he's really sweaty, I get like, because I'm a sweater, as I've said before, but I never complain. Not to your face. And you're licking? No, if I stunk. She'd love you. No, because I don't stink. Licking that drip off it and it knows. yeah there's debris but there's not there's no Japanese I always smell good there's just the like the perspiration see if you've got if you're in a sweaty situation you need to go down and you need to wash your bum don't you like even if his upper body's smelling you need to get down and wash your bum and that but I wouldn't I mean he hasn't I'm assuming it's just sweat yeah just armpits I think strictly armpits I know but if you're sweating and you're gonna have a smelly bum ain't you a bit you've got the towel ain't you he's got to then say well you can't you can't have everything yeah smelly pits and not smelly fucking shit a smorgasbord of smells shit bill feet but now i think you've just got a what about certain foods that there's certain foods that smell a b o in there like onions sometimes at a certain yeah and when i had a is smelling a curry.

19:10That she'd love to say.

19:15What's it? Just roll with it, I think. I think just get a... That's a bit of advice. Get a curry down your neck. Yeah. And you just stink like a different kind to different animals. For giving advice on making yourself smell. Well, he's aspirin. I know, yeah, but... The advice he's looking for... The advice he was looking for is what he should do. And we've gone two-footed with doing a cannonball into a pool of sweat. But I think embrace it because he obviously likes that and there's not many good ones about. Oh, can you imagine if he's going to embrace it the first time he comes into the bedroom?

19:54Because I don't know if they had the discussion. It doesn't sound like she's told him that this is a thing. He's just picked up on it. So if he goes in the garage, puts his stuff on and then gets changed again and puts a sweatband on and stuff like comes in like the 118 man in a vest dripping but i think i think she'd be took like that would be a nick for her i hate that word but i think she'd be like oh no he's trying too far too far well it's only like if you you know i know but the wristbands and that it's like if a lady dresses up for yeah maybe maybe i don't know try it should have been all off of me like a rass at that fucking wireless because i fucking pen and ink and fucking 50 55 out at 60 000 did it all before the season even kicks off soccer fans are already making predictions who wins the league who qualifies for europe and who's lifting the trophy at season's end on calci america's number one prediction market platform you're trading against peers in a live market meaning there's no house and as the probability changes you can buy in and out of your position for a limited time download the calci app and use code cup 26 to get ten dollars when you trade 10.

21:05K-A-L-S-H-I, Kalshi. Trade the beautiful game. 18 plus only restrictions and eligibility requirements apply. Event contract trading involves risk and may not be suitable for all investors. Prices, values, and available markets may differ from those mentioned. For more information, see Kalshi.com slash regulatory. This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks.

21:36Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required, compatibility and availability varies 18+. Hello lads. Blah. One long long. Yeah, one long blah. Recently new female listener, introduced by my fella. Currently working through the backlog of Friday clubs on podcasts on long dog walks. They're bloody hilarious. I hope you're walking dog at night, by the way, at the minute. Too hot for him. Yep. Key cards. Wasn't asked for, but still essential. I have a story for you that isn't about shagging, but it does involve bodily fluids.

22:18I'm a wedding singer and front a 16-piece big band. We do corporate functions, weddings, all that shite. As you can imagine, it's an expensive endeavour, hiring 16 musicians and a sound engineer for your event. So we're not cheap. You're spending a good whack when you hire our whole outfit to play at your event for six hours in tuxedos and ball gowns. Bear that in mind. Picture the scene. Beautiful stately home sewn in wisteria and white peonies in the warm midsummer. Open bar all day. Five-star dining for guests. Every detail of this wedding is to perfection. and the gaff looks like something from Pinterest.

23:01Sounds expensive. Nice. Everybody is posh and looks like a supermodel in Gucci accessories and Vera Wang gowns. We're not fitting in at this wedding. This is chinos. No socks. Colourful. Yeah. Salmon. A lot of salmon on shore. Effing minted, these people were. It was about 7pm and we, the band, were just getting ready to start playing for the evening guests arriving before we played the first dance at 8pm. Evening guests were trickling in as the evening was just starting. The bride was an absolute stunner. A mixture of Amal Clooney and Kate Middleton also had been a lovely person to us all day.

23:43And she had on a pristine white fitted dress that hugged her perfect body. It was pure white satin that was absolutely shining. How she'd managed to keep it spotless all day was anyone's guess. she was literally the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen oh wow she's good at painting a picture the groom a hooray Henry type Scottish lad who had studied and eaten and had never been punched in the face was fucking bladdered never saw him without a bottle of Peroni in hand and he wouldn't fucking shut up about his last financial successes at work and how he met Ray Parler on his stag do. When I say bladdered, he was fucking gone.

24:30Stumbling, blurry-eyed and rowdy. I'm not married, but I wouldn't be happy if my new husband was like that an hour before our first dance. He's gone early as well, hasn't he? Yeah, he's probably been a little bit embarrassing, isn't he? He's paying for the free bar. He might as well make fucking most of it, hasn't he? I know, but... If you're going to get messy, at least... I can see him being messy before his speech. Me? nerves just get us a tequila there will be sweat on show then look at armpits I'll watch it this Keeley notes running drip drip he was wearing a kilt and traditional Scottish dress as the groom now traditionally true Scots don't wear anything underneath their kilts the elegant bride was sat down talking to somebody with her legs and lower her body angled outwards to accommodate to how figure-hugging her dress was.

25:27She couldn't sit normally. Right, so she's on the half cock. So she was sat at an angle. The groom comes and jokingly sits on her knee, not wearing anything under his kilt. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. No. No, no, no. No. He gives his new bride a kiss on the temple. Oh. patronising one and all. She gracefully and passively smiles. No. Told her eyes and continues her conversation. Groom dismounts her lap and stands up. Oh no. And what does he leave behind? A skid mark. Oh no. A long brown skid mark on her thigh. On her pristine white wedding dress. He hadn't wiped his arse at his own wedding.

26:30Oh no. I've seen the whole thing from the microphone. The bride looks at her leg, looks at me, at her husband, back to her leg, back to me, then tears fill her eyes and she skedaddles away. Skedaddles.

26:49Funnily enough, we didn't see the bride for the rest of the night. Oh, no. We still did the gig, like, and a lasting memory, we'll be playing Penny Arcade and hit the road jack for this very hammered groom's party. Other than the shitty skid mark, everyone else seemed to have a good night. Moral of the story, wipe your ass on your wedding day and always put cancellation clauses in your contract just in case a bride refuses to pay because she's been shat on on her wedding day. Carry on the good work. That's unbelievable. thing is as well it's ruined the day thing is it's ruined yeah ruined the wedding this big posh plush wedding it's ruined it like if he's got a kilt on and all he can just he can just lift it up and get a washing sink aren't he he's pissed he's not thinking of and he's probably completely oblivious what you think she's had it has ruined her day hasn't it oh she's not come back down she's kept it pristine and it's a big thing isn't it for for some women the wedding dress she's probably spent months months Mum's figuring out which one that she wants and then he's took her shit on it.

27:56Every wedding that I've been to, the bride's always changed. She's always got a gown. Or a dress. Yeah. So why could she have just slipped out of it and put her nightdress on? I know, but you're thinking... Maybe she didn't want to. I don't think Rose got changed. Did she not? Although the thingy hasn't been yet, has it? Not at the first dance. Has she ever reacted? Do you think, though, by the sounds of it, this was just the skid mark that brought the... So she's raging weird for getting twatted. He's hammered, he's going round, he's being a dick. It's a wedding day, what have I married here?

28:32And then the next minute... Do you know what? He's pulled the skid on her thigh. Ignored her all day, and then he's come over and give her a gesture of a kiss on the temple. I didn't know his pals, isn't he? At bar shotting. Kiss on the temple, and then fucked off again and just left a bit of shit on her thingy. Left his mark. Yeah. She needed Danny Baker, didn't she? That's a doorstep challenge. She's written that well. Can I go on? This is carrying on the wedding theme. Because I think there was one last week. What does he leave behind? A skid back. Hi, gents. Long-time listener, blah, blah, blah.

29:09Listening to your recent wedding chat has prompted me to write in about an incident which occurred at my wedding recently. Please keep me anonymous, as this is a bit of a sore subject for the people involved. Our wedding day was everything we hoped for. The sun was shining, the drinks were flowing, and spirits were high. It had got to the point in the evening where me and my new wife were to take the dance floor to our first dance. However, the atmosphere was about to quickly change due to the antics of the best man. Let's call him Martin. Martin is someone who often likes to be sent to stage and had made more than a few trips to the bar that day.

29:48That'll be me, or? I would have thought so. He had already ruffled a few feathers by going in a bit strong with the best man speech. As the DJ hit play on our first dance song, my new wife and I began the classic side-to-side swear, surrounded by our loved ones. About a minute into the song, however, Martin took it upon himself to drop his trousers.

30:16bend over and reveal his bare arse to me, my new wife, and all of our nearest and dearest. I like my hands in. Who's this from? I tried to awkwardly laugh it off, but as I looked into my wife's eyes, I could see that she was fuming. After the first dance, my wife's nan also expressed her disgust and left the wedding shortly after. This incident has left a bit of a dark cloud over what was otherwise a fantastic day. My wife and her family are still fuming about it and there's much debate over whether Martin deserves a formal bollocking. What do you think, gents? Should I have a word with my best man and request an apology on behalf of my wife and her family or should I drop it and put it down as good crack?

31:05No pun intended. I think it's what I just said to him. Look, just apologise, just to keep the peace. Do you think? Yeah, I thought it was quite funny, mate. Yeah. It's more his nan, isn't it? Yeah. His nan's left. I don't know if this is a wind-up. He sent a video, actually. Oh, just on that, by the way, you know the other week when we said for the drone footage to get emailed in? Mm-hmm. We had a message from a policeman who listens saying look just let you know that if he sent you the footage it would be classed as like revenge porn or something it would be illegal so don't send it to us we weren't aware of this so thanks for your email officer and keep enjoying the pod I don't think it's going to play but