Friday Club | Hendo Under The Stairs

31:40Over to you guys, and if you do recommend the latter option, what's the best approach? anyway still loving the podcast keep up the great work you can give some clarity on what I should do one million percent of the conversation yeah do you think you could do it subtly like do it without having the conversation my idea is just to introduce some pornography like just say you know that's gonna help If she's into it, just say, somehow, bring it into the conversation, put it on, get you in the mood, but do some pre-research, get your video ready, female-friendly, but one with a good blowjob in it. And then she might just be like, oh.

32:27I don't think that's going to help. That's a technique I might try. Because it sounds like once she's latched on, she's latched on too much. Is that the wrong? No. Because it sounds like she latches on. once she's got it in the gob yeah she's not a tick a leech

32:52um so i think he needs to start with when he maneuvers to um pleasure her say how do you like it what do you like yes and then maybe she'll then start doing the same thing i love it when you try this, it feels amazing or something like that, then she might I love it when you don't use your teeth as much I love it when you don't chomp on me but yeah, just a little bit of guidance there will be one section where it feels alright, oh that feels nice you could have guided with the mounds so maybe when she's Bit too thick. He's going to go, yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Oh, ha, ha, ha, you bastard.

33:42I can't do this stupid cow. That might be a bit too, a bit too clean. And then as soon as she's doing the good stuff, Oh, good work, good work. It's like Bonfair night. Not the top on the back. The rub of the head. Yeah. Get going, lads. It's like a firework display when she's doing a good job. He's like, ooh, ah. Ah. Just give her the thumbs up from top. No, I genuinely think you can manoeuvre her where you're telling her what you like and she'll adjust. Yeah. So you're not going straight in with, can I just give you a few tips? Yeah, so it's a loose... When you say conversation, it sounds a bit formal, doesn't it?

34:22Yeah. I think you need to big it up and then sort of hit away at the end. Say, look, I'm really, really enjoying what we're doing and I really like you. but we need a performance evaluation everything's going fantastic I love spending time with you seven or eight positives and then just but I would prefer it if you I really do like it when you do X could you be able to try X for me just loosen off the teeth a little bit yeah stop chewing it I go with Brownie's method first see if you can do it without speaking about it at all Yeah. Just go for the guidance. And if everything else is... Just an arm round, isn't it?

35:08Everything else is class. Can you cope with the blowjob not being great? Because, by the way, I used to say that she's not sitting there for... When he goes down on us, it's like a bull in a china shop. He keeps going down doing alphabet with his tongue. So if he says... It's too effort, I'm like... Doing my nails. What about when he's down there going, I feel like I'm not very good at this. Like, how do you like it? What do you like? And then that's in her head then. So when she returns the favour, how do you like it? Yeah. You'll be falling on your sword to provide some guidance. But she might be really...

35:47I listened to a conversation on train yesterday and a woman across and she had half decent body, but it weren't fucking incredible. And she was talking to a mate who were big about kids. She says, oh, I'm not having kids, me. This body's too much hard work. And I looked across and I was like, fucking hell, love. You want to get off jobs? So she wouldn't, that woman there on the train, wouldn't have took that as a, I need to step forward, I don't think. Right. Do you know what I mean? I need to step. She's very self-assured already. Yeah, thinking that she knows best. Yeah. So depending on what she's like, it might just go over her head.

36:28But every time he gets down there, Ask for some tips and tricks, hints. Do you like it when I do this? Just a bit of feedback. And then surely... Just give us a thumbs up. It's common courtesy, isn't it, to return the favour? Can we have an honourable mention for Michael Hewitt, by the way? It's not an email in, it's a news story. Have you seen it? No. He was going to England v Ghana, planning on going, but he had a layover in Barcelona. he's got to Barcelona lost his phone decided not to go to the match but he's no point of contact he's like he's obviously one of these that isn't asked so he's just not he's lost his phone he thought there was no point in going to embassy he's still got his his wallet so he's just stayed in Barcelona for two weeks but all his family no Interpol have been looking for him and they've got missing person missing person they've been looking for him all over America all over Europe and he they found him in a bar in Barcelona having a mythos no San Miguel did you see it?

37:40the Leafs man yeah little Mickey they call him I'm assuming his match ticket will have been on his phone if it's the yeah I think he's decided I don't know if he bought a ticket yet and he's decided oh fuck it I'm going to stay in Barcelona but like there's been news article like national news pictures of little Mickey. Has anybody seen this man? And it was a policeman on holiday in a bar having a bit of tapas. I thought, you know, that's little Mickey there. Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, you do not know the fucking bullshit called here. Mickey, Mickey, Mickey. I know you're having a nice time, but come on, son.

38:16It's right, though, isn't it? Imagine the worry. Yeah. You think he's gone, don't you? Joking apart. What? I know you might not You might have numbers on your phone, but you know your mum's house number, don't you? Do people still have house phones? Yeah, they've got them for the internet, haven't they? He's 65, I don't know if his mum will still be about. I haven't got a house phone. I haven't got a house phone. Have you? I ain't got a house phone. How do you do with your internet then? I have a line, but I don't have it plugged in. I just don't have it for internet. Well, yeah. Yeah. Ours might not be plugged in, but we've got a phone in the corner, so we might as well move that, haven't we?

38:55last time it rang last time it rang I don't think I've ever heard it ring I won't know the number for it what would you have done? morning gentle men please keep us anonymous sorry just before can you remember your phone number from when you were a kid? 586-3472 206-192 469-656 please keep me anonymous my missus listens to this oh god it's never a good start is it? you know what's coming and I don't think she'd be happy knowing it's me anyway. Blah, blah, blah. Back when I was in my mid-twenties and newly single, I was going through a bit of a dry spell. So I decided to download some of the apps and see what was what.

39:37After a few hours, on a couple of sites, I get a match with a girl around my age and only 15 minutes away. Jackpot. After chatting for a while, she seemed canny. So I asked for a photo. Nothing filthy, just an up-to-date picture of herself. which is essential really didn't want the catfish she sent the picture and she wasn't bad but not pulling up any trees either

40:06she said she was a size 12 and I'd say looks wise probably around a very average 6 I thought it could be worse and it's been a while and I invested a few hours so I'm going to see what happens that's like a long time to sort of, I've missed it for two hours now. He's going to give her personality a whirl as well. He might not be really attracted to her, but he's going to give it a go. After a full night of messaging, some getting slightly flirty, she asked if I'd like to meet up the following day for a lunchtime date. I agreed and asked where. The following morning, she had replied saying, eh, just come to mine.

40:44Happy days, he says. Surely I'm in here. She sent me the address and I pulled up outside. I messaged to say I was outside just in case I was at the wrong place. Come on in. The door's open for you, was the reply. In I went and walked into the front room to find her laid on the settee, posing a bit like Rose from the Titanic, when Jack was drawing her, but with a blanket covering her. She knew it underneath. She must have had a filter on in her pick as she was a five at best.

41:20she thinks she thinks her looks are doing the talking because she isn't even giving him a chance to get to know the personality and he says he's been very generous there with her five at best I wonder what she's thinking with the blanket you know like she's a new car yeah ready for the big reveal I know jeez kind of on Chris I walked over towards her and she said hello hello Hello. Hello. And she reached out and started to rub my cock over the top of my jeans. Oh my golly gosh. He's obviously gone for a very close hello, hasn't he? Yeah. Yeah. He stood next to the setting, isn't he? Hello.

42:05Fuck me.

42:09Fuck me, she's gagging for it. She's gagging for it here, I thought. so I went to unzip them, but she just stopped me. Wait, save it for the bedroom. That's when shit got serious, he says. She whipped back the blanket to reveal herself in just a black bra and knickers. Now, I'm not sure I could size a woman's dress up, but I can guarantee she wasn't a fucking 12. She looked like she ate a 12. Come on.

42:46It's good to be back, isn't it? I'd been catfished. Fuck. There's nothing wrong with a bigger lady, but she's lied. That's the issue. Yeah. Get upstairs, you fat gump. It got worse. Sorry about the photo I sent. That was from five years ago. I've let myself go a bit since then. Which is out of order, isn't it, man? We've said this before. She's only building a hole for herself. She said as she sat up, the bedroom's that way, and pointed to a door nearby.

43:23After you, I said. And as she got up, she reached behind the settee and pulled out a walking stick. Fuck off. Fuck off. One of those bastards that sprouts out three little... He said his balls on end. Three little rubber bottoms. Oh, no!

43:45Oh, yeah, you'll have to go gentle and no doggy. I've not long had a new hip put in and it's still stiff. I fucking wasn't, he says. So before you read what happens next, I want you to know, at this point, what would you have done? Kick a stick out, I'm over, and run out. Is it fair?

44:09chuck sheet back over her so she doesn't know where she is and run yeah yeah that kicking stick's a bit high so chuck sheet over and then move her stick so she'll come after you I mean yeah she's it's only a bit of surgery she's been very deceptive how big is she she's 20 she's sent a 5 year old picture which you know she's got you there on false pretenses 16 so I'm concerned and and nah 16s can't get a full 12. 20 22 if you're eating at 12. she needs a stick and she's just had a new hip you'd be worried about causing damage hmm not where you shag him but she i mean are you oh yeah yeah there's there any issues it's a good chance she's gonna make you a sandwich yeah right well i'll carry on she takes one step towards the bedroom and as i hear the clink of stick hit the floor regardless of how dry your spell i couldn't do it two minutes i've only gone and left me phone and wallet in the car and not locked it wait there a sec i'll be back because i have left before the wallet in the off out the door i go app deleted number blocked and off i shot like never and off like a shot never to be seen or heard from again i've often thought does this make me a cunt but if she had been honest to start with I wouldn't have needed to would I which is a very true mmm it's the walking stick for me this is surgery Chris like shagging that old fella from hope that's just still got this open scar maybe I can't believe it's got the rubber balls on the bottom it's a three it's a three pronger that's stable steady support yeah and he will Keep up the good work.

46:03Hope you enjoyed America. And have another what would you have done if you'd like to hear it. Yes. Yes. You may have guessed my online dating wasn't exactly successful. I think he's been a bit hasty there. I don't know. Are you still firing in? Yeah. I don't know if I feel too... It's late morning. What else are you going to do? Yeah. He's going to buy her coffee. And she's put on a few pounds, but... More than a few of it sounds. Yeah, I think I'm... I don't know what I... yeah i think i'd want to leave but i'm a people pleaser do you know i feel too bad get up and get it done yeah efficient in out thank her for her time wish her well in a record watch her down the stairs you can't you gotta make sure she gets back downstairs as well was the bedroom upstairs are we at a bungalow because you're talking a good five minutes probably making thinking time that in it you know you just be when you've gone you have ladies first as well because you're a gentleman do you think she's out of order for not telling her about surgery the surgery

47:05what do you do just so you know i've i've got a new hip i've got a walking stick and i don't think you can hold that against it he needed to do the picture yes a current picture with the stick yeah

47:20what face would you do like would you just like looking at this yeah pointing at the stick yeah just leaning on it I know with some balloons yeah I think well you're single you're there aren't you just just do what you do it's a strange strategy with her going under the blanket isn't it on arrival yeah do you think it's like different stages she has basically done different stages of disappointment because she's this is my face yeah it's five years older but hold on this is five years older and bigger yeah watch that or just so you know yeah hello walking stick out yeah yeah you're still getting the job done lads it's not all right it's not gonna it can't go well for her can it as if she's gone with the apology straight off the bat i know i'm really sorry i put some weight on that's from five years ago she knows there's an issue exactly she knows the problem yeah for that to stop eating jobs love right easier she's my shit I've gone for the pause you know the rose pause and then she's farting oh shit no I'll cover myself in a blanket and then she just show you come in yeah come in what she could be asking up could you I don't know if you need to put like keep that anonymous from his missus no it's just one of them innit do you think he's this cunt no i don't think he's a cunt i think that she's like we said some people are really not attracted to bigger ladies some people are which is sound but again it's it's the lies in it just be honest yeah people aren't attracted some people aren't attracted to skinny ladies you know you might turn up and she's got a five-year-old picture and she's lost three storm and you're going to be on the jobs you get yeah you're going to be dispensed you got jab face or she's oh man you know you've done a five-year-old picture you've lost a load of weight all the hair no

49:34god bless that's too much i thought you said you didn't go into that sort of crack you i've not attacked you this morning i only attack that when i get attacked that's why i feel bad All right. The entire summer of soccer is on PrizePix. All 48 countries in every matchup, and if you rep your side before the round of 16 on PrizePix, you can win a trip to the finals in New York. It's the biggest tournament ever, which means there's even more opportunities to cash in while you root for your favorite national sides and global soccer stars. Download the app today and use code CUP26 to get$50 instantly in lineups when you play your first$5.

50:09Download the app today and use code CUP26 to get$50 instantly in lineups when you play your first$5. Prize Picks, America's number one sports picks app. Turn it up. Storm has zero sugar and 200 milligrams of caffeine, so you can turn that workout up a notch. Good energy in, good energy out. Energy for life. All right, fellas. This is the title, England versus Croatia, so it's a few weeks old, this one. All right, fellas, I'd like to publicly apologize to my pregnant wife following my behavior after the England versus Croatia game. To set the scene, I went out after work at 6pm with some pals from work.

50:51After a few early pints and getting the taste for it, my pal realised the bar was serving double pinters. Six double pints later, we are absolutely steaming. But with it being midweek and with work the next day, we decided to head home. When I got in, I proceeded to eat a ham and cheese baguette in bed after waking my missus and the dogs up, bouncing off the walls, her words, not mine. With the baguette, I ended up getting crumbs everywhere and moaning that it was dry, apparently. After the baguette, I had a sudden urge of hiccups, which my missus said I was snoring and then hiccuping in between, which led to her sleeping on the sofa.

51:38Not ideal for a woman six months pregnant. It's your own choice Anyway The next day I was in the doghouse And I decided to work from home But I vaguely recalled Waking up during the night And hearing a dripping noise I had to look around the room And couldn't see anything During the evening My missus shouts me saying Did you spill a drink in my knicker drawer last night? I said not that I remember She then sniffed her knickers And realised it was piss Me, half asleep, downstairs, watching the World Cup, then decided to grab all the knickers and put them immediately in the wash. The next day, I got another bollocking for washing them all together, meaning her knickers, and now not only piss stained, but all in random colours.

52:27Oh, no. She's a fan of the show, and she'll appreciate this. Up the fucking cosh, Michael. Warranted apology? Yeah, but it's funny, isn't it? Yeah. You can imagine him, can't you? Coming in, making himself a baguette. I bet he's made a messy kitchen as well. There's butter on the side, crumbs everywhere. It's still got butter on it and it on the side. There's crumbs all over the top, all over the surface. Pack of ham's still out. Cheese is still out. It's all gone hard because he's not put seal back on the bag. Yeah. And it's... Bed's full of crumbs. She'll laugh about it, surely. When he gets her some new knickers.

53:05And some new drawers, probably. So he's in for 12 pints plus, isn't he? He's had a good rinse day before work. Yeah. But obviously, World Cup, and it comes around once every four years. They're the best pints, though. What's your favourite pint? Have I said this before? I think I have. But you know them midweekers when it's just going to be one or two, and they turn into five. Five's the sweet spot for me. Five, six. So if I have six, I've got to have 12. Yeah? I think the first one after you've played golf when it's been warm that's your favourite one yeah beautiful you were thinking about the walking up the 18th the spontaneous 5 or 6 are my favourite pints when you end up being a bit you're a little pissed aren't you will you leave the car I'll have one it weren't supposed to happen but seeing that when it escalates as well the best nights out are the ones that weren't supposed to happen finish with another shagging one yeah why not the kopanjan hat trick hi lads big fan long time listener first time caller i've recently got one of my mates into the podcast and he's given me permission to tell this story it's a long one but hopefully worth it so me keith my best mate ratty and his girlfriend spent a summer traveling around asia when we were 21 22 by this point in the trip tensions had started creeping in me and ratty were pretty laid back whereas his missus would get stressed about everything just stop that is that weird so going on holiday with your missus mate and his missus not just holiday like traveling i suppose when you're younger i don't think it i'm assuming the young 21 22 yeah so travel when you're going travelling I don't I don't think it's as strange of a sound would you want to go travelling on your own though not with a partner not with your missus I think if you're going to do it you'd want to do it on your own wouldn't you yeah but if you've already got a missus and you want to go travelling the thing is if she's laid back perfect but it sounds like well she's not because she gets stressed about everything right yeah we're in co pardon me pronunciation panyan I'm going with that co panyan co panyan is that right is that right George yeah oh well done cheers George Thailand not true George by the way talking to dry spells oh dear me Georgie you need to I'll come back to you in a minute you need to spend some money on a fuck you George everyone knows can we do like a dating do you want to just get on camera and we can see we'll get you in a bit we'll get you in a bit where the masses that you live George where is it you live I'm the employee so any of the young ladies out there fellas and all then or gentlemen man.

55:55He's got a 500 mile radius set on his hat. Will travel. It just matches somebody in Buggin Inverness. Just going to see how it is. Everyone knows it for the full moon party, except we were there when it wasn't on, so the island was practically deserted. I head out on my own for dinner, and the only person in the restaurant is an attractive Australian woman in her late 20s. Let's call her Bonnie. We get chatting because the place is empty one drink turns to a few and we are clearly flirting it's perfect you know if you want your own you just want summer yeah then ratty's girlfriend walks past joins us and before i know it we're all we're all heading to a beach bar in my head i'm thinking any chance it could just fuck off and leave us to her ratty's in bed feeling rough so i thought i was onto a winner we're sat on bean bags by the beach bonnie starts rubbing me leg so i make my move and we start kissing i'm thinking happy days empty hostel this couldn't be going any better later on raggy drags himself down and the shots start flowing we're all absolutely steaming unknown to me every time bonnie and ratty's girlfriend went to the toilet together bonnie had been trying to kiss her.

57:17Around two or three in the morning, we all head back to the hostel and jump in the pool. Bonnie's all over me and I'm fingering her. That was an aggressive thing, eh? And I'm fingering her. And I think we're about to get down to business. I get out for literally two minutes to dry off and get ready to take her back to the room. I come back and Bonnie is passionately kissing Ratty's girlfriend. Ooh. I think, Well, that's my chances gone. I head to bed. He's taken... Just go there. He's taken the defeat far too easily. Yeah, I'm drowning her. I'm getting... Drowning her? You're not trying to get involved?

57:58I hope it's your mate's bird, isn't it? It's like a salvage. Yeah, drown her. His missus? Yeah. Not the Australian. A few minutes later, I can hear plenty of noise coming from the hostile showers. Turns out it's Ratty, his missus, and Bonnie having a threesome. Nah, I'm raging. Never write Ratty off. Nah, I'm raging. I'm kicking fuck out of all three now. Drown off. Yeah. Not long after, Ratty walks into my room wearing nothing but a towel and says, Bonnie wants to know if you fancy joining in. I politely decline. Shit house. End of email. He's a bit of a Barry, isn't he? Yeah. Politely as well.

58:41Thank you very much for the offer. but I respectfully decline. Sharing an Australian woman is one thing. Seeing your best mate's girlfriend naked is another. When in Rome, Keith. When in Rome. Yeah. The three of them carry on all night, skinny dipping and causing chaos. Then at about 8am, I wake up to someone pulling at me duvet. Bonnie has climbed into my bed looking for round two. I'll spare the details, but safe to say we ended up doing the business. Bonnie's playing a blinder, isn't she? She's not having the time of her life. Remember my favourite Australian? A couple of hours later, we've got an 11...

59:19Steve Irwin. A couple of hours later, we've got an 11am boat to catch. Ratty's still asleep, I'm getting showered and packed, and his girlfriend is ready too. About five minutes after Bonnie had been in my room, I walk out of the shower to absolute carnage. Ratty's horsing into Bonnie with the curtains wide open while his own girlfriend is begging me to make it stop. I have completely forgotten to mention the poor German man sleeping on the bed. Nice. Further down the room witnessing all of this. I just shrugged and said, Look at these popcorn. What the fuck do you want me to do? We get on the boat and Ratty and his girlfriend have the biggest domestic you've ever seen.

1:00:02Me and Ratty somehow ended up at the back laughing our heads off despite the chaos. I changed hostels and left them to sort it out. They got back together for the sake of the trip, then split up almost as soon as they got home. Any thoughts on this tale are much appreciated, as I have a few more from that summer in Asia. Superb, haven't you? Yeah. From start to finish for me. Australian. Yeah. Keith needed to just get involved? Yeah. From the get-go? I think so. He's gone. I know, but it's your best mate's bird, innit? I know you've all had a drink and that, but in the morning it's still your mess mate's I think it makes the whole trip awkward.

1:00:41Yeah. It was his mate that came to... Invited him. Yeah, I know, but invited. Sometimes you make mistakes when you've had a drink. Imagine that. Nah. It's a risk assessment, Keith. He... So, going to bed when he's seen the two kissing, two girls kissing. Chrissie and Rose and there's another partner and Chrissie says, come on, come and fire in. Are you holding me a drink? straight in I don't think I could me no no not not if you're in a relationship yeah it's more than it's good yeah it's not going to be great don't talk about it what about the big thing if um men in black just the the light all forgotten in it mad how there's a line with with women there's a line in me so they've had basically done everything the night before together, the three of them, but then the next day he's...

1:01:35What do you call her? Horses and into her or something. Absolutely horses and into her body. The first time she says, can you stop, please? Do you think he needs to stop? But then she's giving him the green light, hasn't she? The night before. The red light's firmly on now. That's what I mean. You can't pick and choose when the lights are on, Chris. You're all drunk, aren't you, the night before in the morning like you said there's a little bit of regrets coming in and you know what i'm gonna have one get one more shot of before we part ways leaving the curtains opens a little bit disrespectful yeah at least give up one of them i know but if you if you chuck the curtains it's like you're doing something wrong in it he obviously thinks it's fair game yeah especially with behind in corner watching but yeah I want I like them ones where lads have been travelling and that because we've never done it have we have you been travelling no not not as a young lad and out and about think of me and Jabzy in Asia

1:02:43back in the day that's what I used to do I'd set them up knock them down you'd tap them in I'd be sat sucking my thumb right lads I think that's us yeah good to be back where are you watching the Norway game probably the working men's club yeah I've had an invite to a house gathering I would like I do like the the fan when you see the fan zones and all that stuff and I don't I went to the pub to watch the Congo game and I think I can't remember which podcast it was and I said I can't deal with fucking wannabe Tommy Tushel in the pub wide get wide there was one lad he kept standing up with blocking me view giving it the finger telling Anthony Gordon to get wide yeah so I'll tell you what that's what you can put in the bin yeah just watch like watch the game and they're only doing it for so everybody else thinks he knows what he's on about it's the women for me I'm not I'm not being sexist but it's the women who only watch the World Cup or the Euros and they're coming they're screaming and shouting and like fuck is it World Cup support, part-time World Cup supporters.

1:03:54Just in the bin. Do you know, I won't go and watch loose women and start telling them what to do. On that, would you say a part-time World Cup supporter is watching the catch-up? Yes. I'm not stopping up to 1am to watch a game of football when there's a 6am rerun. So I've said, I'm going to watch it. I haven't watched one without rotas yet, so I've said to him, we're going to stay up. On the couch. He's into his football, but I know for a fact if I walked him up at 1 o 'clock the other night, he'd have just been a passenger. Is he? Right, up the cosh. Up the cosh. Up the cosh. The link for the speak pipes in the description.

1:04:37We'll see you next week.

1:04:52I never wish to see the skin underneath And I love getting hair stuck between my teeth I shall take the razor meant for your pubes And throw it in the sea never to be used Ah, love is strong when your pubes are long To cut them down is just something wrong Oh, my darling, don't shave your pubes If you shave, you will be leaving my heart bruised Forget the scissors, razors or knives Shaving your pubes will ruin our lives