Friday Club | Holy Moly

31:37Give us another pipe, George. Hello, lads. I hope you're good. I've done this recording about ten times now at least, and I keep fucking it up. But anyway, favourite of the one the other week where the fella said, can he have gender reveals in the bin? Yeah, got all the time in the world. lashed that ride in the bin. Can I add fucking these pictures that fellas get when the baby, when they get a new baby, baby's born, welcome to this world, and the walking out of the double doors at the Aussie with the car seat in their hand and the baby in it. Oh, fuck off. Honest to God, mate. Can we get that in the bin?

32:13And can you phone the skip company to come, pick the bin up, take it away and flush it? Fuck it. Honest to God. He's like, oh, babe, will you take that picture for me where I'm walking out? like I don't know it's being tough and she's like yes I'm Barry go on Barry get further back I'll do it I'll even make it black and white so it looks dead mysterious dead nonchalant for you honest I got it on nice one babe fucking it's so stupid there are cases on a Saturday when they're like fuck off back to Sheffield you when they're playing Sheffield Wednesday and then next thing on a fucking Tuesday welcome to this world post hashtag fucking new beginnings or whatever the fuck they do it's fucking honest to god not unwinds me up more be a boss dad not a problem with that but fucking stop being an instagram whore i'm not sure if i'm not sure if you were excited or angry or a bit of ball that was superb but there was a lot of emotion there wasn't there i did it but obviously i didn't upload it to instagram it was with our rotas but just because it was like the picture in it when you become a dad for the first time that's the picture that you want but I do, I have found myself thinking, you're only doing that to upload this to Instagram I've seen a few I wonder I mean, you might want that picture yourself, but I wonder how many it's more, you're walking out you know, you're tired

33:43you're starting this new journey as a dad and you've got all kinds of stuff going on in your head and then your missus goes, oh, should we just get that picture before we leave? Just hold on a minute. Just hold on. Yeah. And then you stop there. Right. I read it. Go. And it is. It's for everybody else's benefit. It's for everybody else's benefit. There's so much more stuff going off, isn't there, that you need to think about than that picture on the way out. Yeah. But it has become a thing, hasn't it? it is a proud moment but it's almost like I don't know what the benefit is yeah so is it in the bin or what yes yeah do you know what I agree with him give Skip Company a call and I'll see if they'll come and pick it up do you know what I want to cobble in with it just any staged social media pictures because, I mean, that's one of them.

34:48And then there'll be the others, you know, you're on holiday and they must be framing taking about 12 sips of a cocktail to get the shadow right and the sunset going down. Did you get it? Let's have a look. Let's have a look. Oh, no, I'll do it again. I'll do it again. Probably not even taking a sip. But devil's advocate, are you a fan of candid photos that you don't know of being taken? I don't even know what that means. you know say if you're you and june or are off at universal and you're you're having a laugh or something and someone just gets off yeah you're in a crowd at a football match with your son or your daughter and someone behind you takes a picture and you look at it and you go oh my god that's brilliant but that that's the that's the point i suppose in it because that is an authentic candid voter yeah if somebody's taking it but then from the outside you'll be looking at it going oh look at that he's got someone to stand over there and he picked her up and gave her a kiss and said right ready one two three go which is the candid photo of walking out with a with a baby holding the baby's is you're making out like it is a natural photo do you ask one of the nurses to take it no it's the mum innit the mum's just given birth 12 hours previous and she's there with a flippin oh I've seen them where they've like the boat they've got an on each side of car seat thing.

36:15Ooh. One each side of car seat holding that. That's the next level. I'll tell you when it all changes. You know when they get older? Have you seen the thing with people first day back at school photos and that? Oh, going into your nine. Your ten. Oh, first day at Sydney school. Oh. one of the lads one of the lads from back I don't know this it was our Stevie that told us one of the lads from back home he got his kids dressed up he got the two the two straps on the rucksack ready for his first day back at school and he's not back till tomorrow he's not back till tomorrow he's uploading it and everything you see I haven't got as much of a problem I haven't got as much of a problem with them ones I don't think I mean I don't do it myself but you know I suppose it's you know if you've got family living all over the place and it's a nice way to keep everybody up to date with what's happening and you probably get grandma liking it and things like that there's different scenarios in there, different situations where it's it's alright Is it one for the family what's going back to the holding the baby leaving the hospital autograph is it one for the family where you've obviously you've gone through the birth you haven't told anybody what's going on just for whatever reason but then you take that picture and then upload it to the family group uh so and so was born or whatever mom and dad fine or whatever there we go that's just your family job done but if you're on the instagrams and that they're definitely going in the bin is if it's the bloke's idea and she's just been through 12 hours of labour she's just she's only just come out of her epidural coma and you're giving her your iPhone and she's getting on hands and knees for it to take a silhouette picture she's just bust a stitch but get down and get a better angle yeah the more I think the more he's absolutely spot on to be fair though I don't take pictures it's never in my mind to take pictures of anything so it's never crossed my mind that with the kids I'm getting better especially like when they're playing together and stuff in fact we were watching the Arsenal game on Monday and I wrote this on my knee and Stevie had Luca on his knee and Louise just took the picture and I thought I'll upload that one but it wasn't a if I'd said if I'd said right I'm going to pick our rota so put it on my knee make sure you get a good picture of us all then that's in the bin Luis just get under that table there it's a great angle from under there yeah yeah I think there's a fine line isn't there yeah it's one I'll never cross because I don't take photos to be fair now you're saying that I took one of Rose and Juno on holiday but then I'm going to upload it now just to rage bait people.

39:40Right, I'm going in. Hi fellas, first thing first, Friday Club is my biggest stress tap and I look forward to listening to you every week including park it butchering even the simplest of sentences. I come to you with feelings of guilt and shame though but hoping for some reassurance. I need to tell you my story and hear whether you think I'm a cunt or not. I apologise it's a long one, but hopefully you can spare the time. I'll change names for anonymity. Anonymity, whatever it is. Bit of background. Jake and myself have been close for 35 years. We went right through school together and are still close friends now, although we live 80 miles apart.

40:28We were almost joined of the hippest kids, living only a couple of streets over from one another. We did everything together. Walked to school, spent every class together, walked home, got changed and then went out somewhere, usually at the park, with a football or something that was always together. He was also the captain of our football team. He was wank but his dad was the manager. So naturally his family felt like mine and vice versa. most nights we were either one of our houses for tea and he even had a bed in the spare room at ours at the age of around 11 12 though his parents separated and it knocked us both the split was messy and after a month or two basically living with us he eventually moved 25 minutes away to live with his dad moving school too which meant for the couple of years we only saw each other at training or on a Sunday morning playing football.

41:28Fast forward those few years, we're about 15 at this point, and as we all know, when boys reach a certain age, we start to feel different about girls. We get curious and experimental with ourselves, trying to curb the hormones of puberty. How's the reading so far? Have you been practicing? No, just concentrating a lot more since criticism. I had porn mags you used to find in direct... Stop concentrating, John. Yeah, I have, because your Sunday's buzzing. I had porn mag pages you used to find in derelict houses or shoved in bushes hidden all around my bedroom, along with a couple of socks so rock-hard you could safely use as a hard hat.

42:19Anyway, by this point, Jake was spending the weekends at his mum's, and then my parents would take us both to the match on Sunday and then he'd go home with his dad from there. This meant I'd see more of him, so it meant Friday's hattie nights I'd sleep over at his, watch any football that was on, play FIFA, have a pizza or something, but before long I wasn't going over for any of that bollocks. All I was really interested in was Sarah, Jake's mum. Good lord fellas This woman was Slash is An fucking goddess And being that hormonal little pervert I was I just became besotted Now by the time we were 16 Sarah was fresh into a new relationship With a fucking moron driving a Porsche And so at the weekend She would leave us for a few hours to go on a date So one particular Saturday night Sarah was out with Cockhead Jake's sister was staying at their dad's, and Jake had nipped to the corner shop to try and buy a few beers, leaving me to the house all alone.

43:25Remembering that hormonal little pervert I was, you can imagine it didn't take me long to adventure into Sarah's room to have a nosy. I poked my head around the door, heart thumping, but not really knowing what I was going to do. I flipped on the light and had a look around when my eyes landed on her bedside table. By this point, I couldn't resist. I opened her top drawer to find a treasure chest of lacy pants. I picked up this tiny little thong and was so ready. In less than three minutes, I'd abused myself. Pants back. Pants back. Yeah, I think he's had a wank, Chris. Pants back in the drawer.

44:10So, carpet, rub with my sock and back out the room before Jake was home. He's only chucks it on carpet. He's not even kept it under wraps. And he's just given the old rub of the sock and all. It was exhilarating. A danger wank like I'd never experienced. And it quickly became a habit. I was like an addict. Couldn't wait for the weekend just for the chance I might get five minutes on my own. But then just after leaving school, Jake and I had a bust up. typical sprout child could give the banter but couldn't take it. And apparently my reply of, well, yeah, you grew up knowing your sister was on her period because you could taste it with your dad's tongue was a step too far.

44:53Worst of all, though, it meant no more sniffing. And it fucking killed me. We went a while not talking, probably a year or so, but eventually I caved and apologised. Not because I missed him, because I missed his mum and her frilly pants. Nearly 18 now, we didn't need to buy beer in secret. Sarah would get us a few in while her and Knobface went out, which made stealth wanks almost impossible. However, an opportunity arose one Saturday evening when I beat Jake home. He was delayed from his Saturday job near Tesco's and was running late. Sarah let me in as usual, just as she was on her way out the door.

45:37And before the lats could even click, I was full pelt up the stairs.

45:45Again, heart thumping with excitement. I rushed into her room, straight to the bedside table, but then stopped as something caught my eye. A dirty washing basket at the foot of her bed. The holy grail. I opened it up, moved a couple of T-shirts out the way and found three obviously worn thongs. I couldn't believe my luck. I whipped my shorts down and buried my face into the dirty pants. This was going to be my fastest time yet. However, my PB attempt was abruptly interrupted by the bedroom door swinging open. My absolute terror, Sarah, walked in. Interesting. Don't stop, John. Interesting. Concentrate.

46:44Concentrate. Focus, John. Focus. I can't. This could go a multitude of ways, this. Yeah. Sarah walked in to find me perch on the end of her bed, pants down, cock in hand, and her red thong on my head.

47:09looking like some sort of homeless spider-man i obviously froze and just looked at her for what felt like hours when with the smallest tilt of a grin in the corner of her gorgeous mouth she whispered three words i'll never forget well finished then

47:32Mate, within 15 seconds my eyes were in the back of my head and I blown my load up the leg of her tight white jeans.

47:45Then, with a dirty smile on her face, she told me, now get out. As she took off her jeans to change, I could not get my head around what had just happened. I decided to go home Weekends were strange after that My imagination was wild But I was sure Sarah was enjoying our secret Sometimes I'd be sure she was flirting Whenever she wore those white tight jeans again She'd make a fuss of me like she was teasing It fucking worked too I couldn't stop pulling the head off it to the point where if I sat in a room quiet enough, I reckon I could hear my bollocks crying and begging me to stop. Probably couldn't have done me a counsellor, this guy.

48:37However, this isn't what I feel guilty for. The story continues roughly six months or so later, and again, I'd beat Jake home. But this time, Sarah and Rinjob were already out, or so I thought. I had my own key, so I let myself in. Fighting with the urges, but telling myself I wasn't going to do it again. I've been caught. It's time to stop. Remembering the little pervert I was, though, I'd barely taken off my shoes before I was on my way up the stairs. This fella's is where... It's like he just can't stop. I can imagine him just kicking his shoes when he knows nobody's in. You know when you just do one of them?

49:21Pull and flick. just off the eel straight up the dancers this fellas is where my story climaxes because as I creep along the landing and head into Sarah's room what I'm met with is still mental material I use today on the bed spread eagle and not a stitch of clothing on was Sarah bollock fucking naked positively fizzing at the slit and rubbing her pussy.

49:58That went through me a little bit, I'll be honest with you. I think you did it to yourself the way you said it, John. Pussy. I froze. I just read pussy. I froze expecting her to jump up in fear as I had in the reverse occurrence. But she just looked at me with that smirk in the corner of her pretty little mouth and whispered three more words. that rocked me to the core. Come on, quickly. Mate. I like this little bit where you put mate. Mate, I was undressed and chock up to the knackers in seconds flat. This heavenly angel I'd had wet dreams about, had thousands of wanks over, was lying naked waiting for me, twitching with horn, all my wildest fancies coming true, only to be over and done with in under a minute.

50:55thank god she was fapping before i got there otherwise she'd have been seriously disappointed i quickly got dressed and ran back downstairs where fifteen minutes later to toss spot with the porsche walks in barely even acknowledging me he walked to the bottom of the stairs and shouted up to sarah now he's here to pick her up just a minute she shouted back as I sat smugly thinking ha it's my fault she's a minute late there's nothing ever happened between us other than a flirty joke here and there but that's okay with me it happened and it was fucking awesome over the years however I've started to think maybe I wasn't the best of friends to Jake during what were some really tough you think during what were some really tough years for him.

51:46I have wondered whether I should come clean, but I think that would cause more problems, considering I'm now married with two kids and have never told anybody this story. So, boys, I hope I haven't bored you to sleep, and any words of wisdom reassurance, if possible, will be greatly appreciated. Thanks for keeping my Fridays enjoyable, Brad. Now then, pick the bones out of that, lads. I don't think it can be too harsh on himself no that is like ultimate innit you know them childhood hormones yeah but keep when do they stop though are they still classed as childhood hormones at 18 or is this dirty bastard yeah but it's it's his dream woman it's his dream woman and she knew what she was doing didn't she she knew that he'd be flicking his loafers off at the door and banging up them stairs.

52:45I don't think it's done there either. I think when he starts getting a bit of a threat when he's early 30s. Yeah, a bit of stubble on that. She splits up with Mr Porsche. Yeah. She's gone through up menopause and now she's going to be a randy bastard. Extra creepy today, John. Very creepy. Well, I really enjoyed that story. But yeah, keep it in the washing basket, that one. Don't be telling anybody about it. Oh, yeah, don't tell him. Don't tell him. Tell her you'll tell him unless it happens again. How do you even address that? Oh, by the way, when we were young 'uns, I used to sniff your mam's knickers and then...

53:25Yeah, leave that where it is. Do you think we've all got them? Do you think we've all got our childhood thingies that you think, ooh, I'm probably not going to tell anybody that one?

53:39Ooh. out in the pipe George oh

53:50butlins are summer now then lads just a quick one for the beer if you don't mind I hope you agree oh yeah no joy at all here he is yeah yeah no joy at all lads any matches yeah I'm meeting a bird tomorrow night but oh are you let's have a look at her I'll show you all for the recording John we did get a message actually George

54:17regarding your tactics just listen to the latest Friday Club oh yeah I saw that one is George on about George being stubborn and not changing tactics is he the Reuben Amarine of Tinder Hinge Grinder whatever apps he's on and it's right I get it I think that's a little harsh personally no because you're stuck in your ears you're thinking no this worked for me in the past so I'm going to carry on doing what I've always done and you get stubborn in your ears and think no it works but sometimes I mean he's gone on to say George even if you don't drop the standards the tactics aren't working you need to switch it up a bit and draw on the experience of the big pair up top they've turned

55:17they turned out numbers for years before settling down good numbers as well some of us just cut that last one out there George this is all staying in churned out numbers for years no i've actually got bone to pick on this actually um so i i was sitting at home the other day working i get a voice note from brownie saying oh this guy's going to get in contact with you um it's just about work and whatever i answer the phone and he goes george how's the dry spell

56:01I can't be taking work conversations where the opening George how's the dry spell it's a potential it's a potential sponsor of the podcast that's when you know you've made it we start with an icebreaker I've gone to uni for this George we're like no other employees George aren't we nothing like it you know if Calsburg the employees George I reckon we'd be right up there I think you'd be calling John to be honest at the end of his did he give any advice no no he just said Brownie said you wouldn't mind me asking at the end of his semi half sales pitch he put PS would you mind if I mentioned his dry spell and I thought I'd be disappointed if you didn't to be honest

57:08well well George you tell us about tomorrow then where are you going I'm just going out for dinner and some drinks I think how do you drink I'm sorry how do you dress for dinner and drinks what are you going for I don't know, full kit? Are you thinking shirt? Or just... No, I wear a nice t-shirt and some trousers. Well, I spent three weeks being in America, George, and I won't wear anything that I saw you in over there. That's rich coming from you. Yes, Georgie. You wore the same pair of socks four days in a row. Yeah, but they're nice.

57:48Not actual trousers. Two pairs of shorts. Don't worry about my attire, George. George, I'd be quite confident if I was single tomorrow, I'd be quite confident by, what day is it today? Wednesday. My Sunday would have been all right. You reckon? George, why don't you go in overconfident? Let's switch it up a bit. Go in overconfident. Loads of bravado. And see if that works. Ladies, like a confident man. yeah why don't you travel with a prop like an umbrella or a briefcase or something you know just like a power move turning up like Will from the in-betweeners with a briefcase yes you look a bit lighter fuck right off yes I said it would be good George get one of us in your earpiece you know like Anton Deck we can talk you through the day Yeah, something random Yeah, something random Yeah, something random Yeah, something random Yeah, something random Yeah, something random Some ladies are like that It might sound silly, George But it's quirky If you pull up to an Italian restaurant With a briefcase Never Yeah Don't reference it Just put it down And if she asks about the briefcase Just say because you're here And you mean business

59:14maybe wear a beret wear a beret or an outrageous scarf you know something that's like oh this kid's got a bit yeah you just inflate your personality with props and items maybe not a beret a beret is a bit much I think a scarf is a bit much nah scarf's see it's so so stupid isn't it just take a bit of advice from the shaggers dog

59:42John, dig out a photo of you in a scarf. What about? Pop a Panama on. I don't need these extras, George. Talking of power moves, money clip. Just withdraw loads of money out of an ATM into a money clip and slam it on the table. You don't even need to draw loads of that. Just draw a 120 art or get 150 front bank and just put cardboard in between it, right? And then just walk in, walk in, as she sat down, just slam it on the table and go, George is here.

1:00:19Or the George Meister. What are we drinking? Just slamming 20s on the table.

1:00:28Or save the money clip. Just only have the money clip and the 120 quid in your briefcase. That's the only thing in it. And when it comes to paying the bill, on the table, click and all that's in it is a money clip with 120 quid and I want you to pull it out and give it one of them lick of the thumb

1:00:5180 quid boss no problem bang you've got to be really arrogant when you're doing it and then even if the bill's 87 pound give him 90 and say, keep the change. As if you're doing him a favour. I just like I'm coming to America when he just puts the money in the trade shirt. Yeah, you keep that. Put the money in his top pocket. Put the money in his top pocket and give it a tap. And one for yourself, cock. On his walk-off, just tap him on back. Cheers, sir. oh that's right you've always ready for a speed fight because none of these suggestions are happening

1:01:48now then lads um just a quick one for the bin if you don't mind i hope you agree um i've just not long since come out of a shop and what i would like shucking in the bin is fucking old men doing that bastard melancholy whistle as they walk around the shop that has no discernible song to it it's just look at me i can whistle you're whistling you're coughing you old there's no need for that is there and then sometimes they turn it into a sat omming and doing a tune that's not a tune just off will you mate i'm trying to shop there's no wonder people have headphones on these days in the shops is there anyway i hope you agree cheers up the gosh

1:02:34I can't say I've ever heard it to be honest I'm struggling to know what whistling means I think it's just about you cannot put old men whistling in the bin you can't it's an institution when were you going to start whistling then or is it dying now John you've already started whistling when you're tired Yeah granted When I'm tired I start the whole Is that it then? Is that what he's referring to? Just whistling about nowt Well in which case Just whistling your coughing John

1:03:20There's something nostalgic About an old man whistling Like a proper old man In his flat cap having a whistle I can't put it in the bin personally yeah I think I think it's a no for me then yeah we don't have to put everything in the bin yeah just let them be a bit of joy a bit of joy in their old age well enjoy the rest of your holiday Chrissie how long you got left we've got three nights so we'll have have you been really drunk yet no no I think it's the night because I've got a wrote us with us. I'm like, it's different, isn't it? Well, gents, I think that's us. Yep. We must mention three live shows coming up in November and December.

1:04:15Middlesbrough, Newcastle. Middlesbrough, Newcastle. Yes. www.underthecosh.com slash live. The tickets are available now. There's only a few left by all accounts. Really? Mm-hmm. Also, the SpeakPart link is in the description along with the email address if you want to send us an email.

1:04:42Any other public announcements? No, we're back in the same room, aren't we? Next week. Yes. Yeah.

1:04:53Yes. Right, lad. Next week as well. Is it? How old? Do you know what? I don't know. I don't know if I'm 42 or 43. Oh, my God. I think you're 44. What are you, you boy? 83. Quick maths. Oh, dear. 43. Yeah, 43. Yeah. So, I might have a pint. I'll have one with you. Right, enjoy the rest of your holiday. Thank you, lad. We'll be back in the room next week. See you next week. Have a good one. See you later, chaps. All right. See you later. All right. All right.