Friday Club | I Believe in a Thing Called Love

32:39i'm dying on friday but the one thing i want is so met love to you yeah the one thing in the world dying wish yourself sexually Chris Brown Rose is okay with it Rose says Rose is okay with it Rose says double thumbs up Rose says I tell you what what this world's good to you you need to give it back what condition is it it's like tubes and stuff oh she's not she's not coupled up to fucking art monitors you know what I mean you know what I mean hospital bed no she's no she's just in a good nick still she's deteriorating she's deteriorating so when did you get on top of her she's fucking darn ill she's like Eddie the Eagle yeah I mean Rose says I suppose then if it's a wish it's a wish there we go what can you do you know I'm a man of charity how the fuck are we getting onto this no idea Yeah, but what was Norman's minute?

33:47But what are you doing for your last one?

33:54You'd want it to last for as long as possible, wouldn't you? So you're thinking like one of the dinner ladies from school? I'm thinking like every remedy that you can think to delay. When did we go too soon? What a disappointment. See I think I'm just wanting to get it over and done with. Really? Yeah. Because especially if you know, like if your head's going to explode, you know that's the moment, it's coming, it's going, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. You know when people say they see the light? I definitely have a spare rib in my hand just trying to ejaculate I've just been nibbling on a spare rib

34:47I'd have the rings I'd have all any ointments would you introduce the butt plug again? no that's game over then innit?

35:00I didn't even touch him look at the Stay to the curse. As if his head's blown off with three of his fingers up his own arse. And he's shit himself.

35:14What's the rings? The cock rings? Yeah, all stuff like that to prevent you. But does it stop you? I think it does. No, I think it's meant to enhance, isn't it? Oh, is it? Oh, right, I'll take the ring off. Right, I'm going in. I'll take the bull's ring off. Sorry, chaps. It's a long one, so the blaze can go, but you know we all love you. To set the scene, I'm in Chiang Mai in Thailand with my pal, both fresh from college and horny bastards. One evening we decide to go out to the market, then head out. After buying the shittiest shirt and short set with elephants on it ever, we are already half-cut.

35:57Fast forward a few hours. I'm steaming wearing an all-elephant outfit with a pair of Nyker Max and a side bag. I know the look. You've got a side bag, haven't you? Does John have a side bag? Yes, the side bag. It's a passport. It comes in handy, though. It's a passport bag, Mother of the Side. I don't go out with it. I think it's a little swaddle bag. Nevertheless, this girl entering the club at the same time as us caught my attention. Think Serena Williams mixed with Peggy Goo. Or Peggy Go, G-O-U. That's not the DJ, is it? That's the DJ, is it? Attractive. Yeah? Peggy Goo? If it's the DJ. Well, I think Williams is attractive.

36:48Long story short, we cracked on and I couldn't believe my luck. Leaving the club, I said, why don't you come to the hostel just five minutes away with me? She insisted we get a tuk-tuk to her grandparents' place where she is staying. Being the horny, drunken man I was, I thought, fuck it, let's go. Upon arriving, there was a big electric gate covered in buddhas. she said i've no key we need to climb over she hopped over like a prime gazelle whereas i took my time as i was still steaming and still managing to stand on a plastic butter's head upon doing so it oh upon doing so it snapped off she didn't notice so i fucking welled it out of view

37:41do you just kick you kick it under a under a bolt this is sacred like obviously it's not that don't mean that much to us does it but to to them yeah all that's left is the belly and with just the ear loams oh the end's gone upon doing so it snapped off she didn't notice so I welled it out of view right we're in Upon walking into the gaff, there was a few boxing bags and pads, etc. Fast forward, now we're in and she suddenly tells me her grandparents, etc. think she's a virgin and her brother is a pro Muay Thai fighter. Sounds hard. These are hard revelations she's bringing. They just got little gloves on, shorts, and a little bit of something around their hand.

38:37Hard as fuck. You know, if they see a bamboo tree, they'll just keep fucking it. Yeah. It's hard. Quite the bombshell. The old Mickey retreated fast, I can tell you. Nevertheless, I cracked on, but was only kissing and foreplay, so he's still going for it, isn't he? Is the grandparent's in? He's not scared, is he? No. Then, suddenly, knock-knock on the door. her old Thai nan had come to check on what the noise was at 5am with her telling me, hide, hide I had to run with my Corey out into the bathroom and hide behind the shower curtain Corey? You heard it called Corey before? I don't mind Corey Cute Is it London terminology?

39:23Quite cute I think I could see the old little shadow peeping about thinking if she pulls this curtain back, I'm dead. She didn't, thank God. Daft old Wally. Wally? I hadn't told Wally for a while. I hadn't called a Wally for a while. That should be the end of the story. It's not. After getting no tuppy and nearly shitting myself in the morning, she told me you can't leave till they go to the airport and get my other uncle. Not only did I get absolutely fuck all, I am now a hostage that if they notice me I'm going to get battered eventually they all left and I was a free man but being the horny bastard I was I thought I'm not leaving here empty handed we started cracking on and job done mission complete however we must have killed a fair bit of time as when I was leaving and giving her a kiss a car pulled up it's only her fucking family and the uncle from the airport I don't think I've ever hit that top speed again in my life.

40:31I was off sprinting down the street being chased by two old Thai men and one Thai warrior. I luckily jumped in a tuk-tuk and said, Smile Hostel. Sorry it's so long winded, but don't die for the tuppy lads. FYI, he took me to the wrong Smile Hostel. I then had to go back with my pal who was raging. I'd been MIA. That's an action. That's an action. Action. U-T-F-C up the fucking cosh. He wasn't that scared, was he? No, he's still gone back in. If he was that scared, you're getting the flipping tuk-tuk back to the smile. What? I've tried to do it. I'm listening. I think this might be my thing. What is the worst?

41:14Have you ever gone back to a bird's house and there'll be parents there? No. No. Any other family members? No. No. You? I once went back to a bird's house a long, long time ago. And I didn't realise a family member were in. So obviously this is the next morning, the doors opened and there's a lad stood there with two plates with two bacon sandwiches on him. That is OBE tackle for me. what relation are we? Brother.

42:03Oh. Imagine even the stairs go. So, show this he doesn't know it's you. He doesn't obviously know it's you. He doesn't know who's on the other side of that door. Oh, no, it's just, I don't know if it's random. If she messaged him saying, just put a couple of bacon sandwiches on, put me in big stuff upstairs or what. He's walked in with two bacon sandwiches. Fair play I know what I like Not fair play Can you imagine making a A bacon butty For somebody who's just Had a one night stand With your sister Did you say You went downstairs Or did he bring them up No it was still in court So it probably Smelt of sex Maybe in the bedroom I can't remember the smell Had you been loud Can you remember If it were loud Session All that sort of stuff No but I think I would remember that You know if the brothers Open the door in the morning I'm thinking All I can remember is the door opened a lad walked in two plates and there were fucking baking well up on each I wonder if he just does it every Sunday you know same same crack every week another one I'm talking 25 years ago here what was the small talk like what did you go with took the plate cheers mate bacon and ketchup come on big stuffy you've got business to do take care of I've got a mixed grill with your young 'un.

43:26Shall we go on another speak pipe? What about... Hi, lads. Do you know what could go in the bin for me? Park run. People that go to a park and run round it, and then the same park every week, and then it's not the park run itself, but it's the ones that constantly post on Facebook or Twitter, the PB. You're running round the same place every week, And, miraculously, they always beat the personal best every single week. And then the next layer on top of that is the people that go to parkrun, but, like, go to ones where they're, like, away for the weekend. So they go up to Lake District and they do a parkrun in the Lake District.

44:13Or they go to York and, you know, they post about doing a parkrun in York. So, yeah, get parkrun in the bin. Ta. Ta. You're a big parkrunner, aren't you, mate? What is it about the parkrun you like? Come in, mate. What is it about the parkrun that you like? I can't believe I've come on camera to be an ambassador for parkrun, which is a free event that is designed to help people get out and be active. Basically, free race, go on a Saturday. You're a lot more motivated than you would be if you were running on your own. so you're saying the park run thing is the fact that you're competing against other people yeah yeah i think you push yourself more if you're competing and you try and be faster and you try and catch the guy up in front yeah naturally in front yeah but i do i do agree that people put it on their old on the facebook that is that's a bit too far yeah like do you think people run wankers yeah probably yeah normal park runners are alright but the park run ones see I get the it's testing yourself and you're pushing yourself because you think I can't look to this fat cunt or someone pushing a buggy that's always a tough one when they go past you yes serious is that going in the bin pushing the pram while you're running thoughts no I'm off no no I tell you what It wasn't ideal.

45:46I've only done a couple of part runs, but me running partner, who finished probably 12 minutes before us, decided to start taking photos of every creature that ran and finished before us. What about that? Old fella with a dog.

46:04So I'm not putting part runs in. No. I'm putting just the wankers. Part run wankers. I'm putting people who post park runs. As Matt has said, I get the, if you're running against other people as opposed to running on yourself, you're going to push yourself a bit more. Yeah. So I get that. Yeah, you're comparing other times. It's a weird hell with this then, are we? Is it in the bin? Not in the bin. No. For me. Cheers, Matthew. Have you ever posted your time, Matthew? Only on the 7.30 app. Strava. Strava. It's fine. that's wanker. Do you think? But Strava, if you're on Strava, arsehole. Who's still on Strava?

46:50I'm on Strava, yeah. I like to go back and look, but it's more for my own, so that I know what I've done, rather than... I apologise. What is Strava?

47:09So, is Strava your own personal record? or do you, when you put something on Strava, does everybody who is... Everybody who follows you on Strava can see it, but there's no way. So, is there any way of keeping it without posting? I don't think there is. I stick by arseholes. Right, but there's no... Unless you're going to go home and write down how far you went and how long it took you. Yeah, I'll show you how long it took. Yeah, but then where does that piece of paper go? No, I have no issue with you either. Because I think it collates all your information that you want to keep hold of. Exclamation mark.

47:53Why does everybody else want to know? Why does everybody else need to know that? Like I said, there's no other way of, like, you've got the GPS, so it knows how far you've gone, and then it gives you your time, how far you've gone. Get that. Yeah. But there is no other way of storing it other than to upload it. Well, I'll tell you what, then. the best thing to do is not have any Strava friends. Why do you need Strava friends? Who are they? Who's a Strava friend? People can just follow you without. So surely you can keep private? Maybe, I don't. Well, I've never been that bothered about being judged by somebody who's going to go, you're a Strava wanker.

48:33I'd never say it like that, did I? Bert, would you agree? No. So are you a... It's different if you then put it on Instagram or Facebook. Why do you... Well then do what you want. Why do you need a Strava friend? You can encourage people. You can give people kudos. That's what you can do when Strava. Yeah, thumbs up. Kudos, thumbs up, well done. This has got to be in the same bracket as a high five. Yeah. Encouragement. Encouragement. Why do you need a Strava friend? What does a Strava friend do for you? Like I said, they give you kudos and say, well done. If you're that insecure that you need somebody who you don't really know to put a thumb up on a nap because you've run right fast, you're fucked.

49:22Job's dumb. Well, like I said, it's not insecurity, is it? Because you have no other option than to people be your friend. Maybe not insecurity, but it's like, I let the balls tickle in. so if you if I went on Strava tomorrow and I started doing loads of runs can people start commenting on me I think so is that right Matthew yeah yeah so people can anybody randomly yeah

49:51so so just go private I'm doing it for my own scores yeah but then you see that comes into a separate insecurity where you're going, oh, I don't want to be judged like you said, so I'm going to go private. Well, you've gone to the trouble of going private because you want to be able to say, oh yeah, I go running, but I don't like anybody to comment. I don't want anybody to say. you're just being a fucking arsehole. I don't need the QDOS. You're being an arsehole. I'm too good for that. You have been an arsehole. The only person you've just said four minutes ago is myself. I just want to keep my time so I know what I've done and what I've been improving.

50:31I'm going private. Obviously, I go running, but I keep private. Nah, you're a fucking arsehole. You're a goofy-wearing jacket bastard. So you've just basically, five minutes ago, you've said, I go on Strava so it keeps me scores. Yeah. So now you're thinking, oh, I like a little thumb. I didn't say I like a little thumb. I said people can give you a little thumb. although I do I do like a little thumb every now and again and the times the times they get better so you you're contradicting what you've said I'm not because I'm saying people give you little thumbs it actually is a little thumb as well isn't it yeah it's a little well done a little strava I don't know I think I used to use it for biking just so you can oh is that worse than a there's only one there's only one thing worse than a running strava wanker a fucking biker Oh dear.

51:31By the way, what about the uproar from when I, I think it was two, three weeks ago, we got the speak pipe about pictures after a workout. And for your benefit and Friday Club benefit, I posted one. Shut up. And the amount of abuse, personal attacks. How many we talking? He sent us a lot. I got called a gimp. John give you abuse. No, he folded on, because I tagged him in it, and people obviously replied to his story. So he took great pleasure in taking screenshots and sending them on. Dimp. Melt. Both fantastic insults for me. There must have been five or six, all men, by the way. There wasn't any women, not one bit of criticism from women.

52:17I can't imagine there's many women. Love heart eyes. Can't imagine there's many women that bother me on Instagram. I got a few saying in the bin. In the bin, in the bin. I got one saying, you used to be my hero. You were disgrace. Disgrace is a strong word. But there must be some CrossFitters out there that listen because fuck Jabba and Bold Chris. Give the ladies what they want. Fellow top-off gym photo guy here. I agree, though. in context I get way too warm and overheat with the top on so I said it wasn't a vanity thing like I went to do it and I've got thingy marks fuck me hell fucking Mo Farah Mo Farah does a marathon right at fucking New York Olympics I know there are different different material it's 45 degrees and Mo Farah can leave his top on feeling the top stick that you is all your best mates now are you

53:23we've got other wankers yeah the feeling of the top sticking here was horrendous the non-gym people would not get it not naming any names all them people unhappy sit inside watching dwarf porn or wear speedos at a water park let them have it do the top off people proud Chris non-gym people think it's arrogance but hey you can't help it work hard show it off get the boys down for a show in Burnley see show it off show it off show it off fuck off I know lads who they join the gym and it is a confidence thing they're not in the best shape but yet they've been coming a while and even though they're probably still not in the shape that they want to be they feel confident enough to take their shirt off and can you not appreciate that and go off do you know what fair play to you Being able to have the confidence to take your shirt off.

54:21Still not ripped, by the way. Still heavy. So this is a different conversation. But it's a different conversation because they're taking the top off. And it's a confidence thing. So you're taking your shirt off for a confidence thing? Yeah. Are you taking your shirt off for a confidence thing? The shirt offers feel better about themselves than what they did before they started coming to the gym. Yeah. Right then. That sound. Don't mind that. But my nipples are hurting with the vest. I'll show you this and I've got a mark here from this morning oh I've been chaffed a bit and that's because it was she was pulling buy a decent buy a decent fucking shirt buy a decent fucking shirt buy a decent fucking shirt I know so that's different if you're if you're looking at yourself and then you've lost some weight and toned up and you're taking your shirt or thinking I look good I'm alright with that but what if it was me then And if I'd put a bit of holiday weight on in the first few sessions, I haven't dropped my top off.

55:24You need to go private. If you all take your shits off. In the changing rooms by all manner, look in the mirror and go, do you know what? I'm doing all right to you. If you all admit it's a vanity thing, that's fine. So, yeah, I'm looking well. I've just done 45 minutes. I look well. I'm ripped. I'll have a photo. Yeah, sound. But then not that it's too hot wait when you're throwing on me vest the best I'm gonna show you this Chafing on me rib, but then Take the photo because you think you look really good Just keep it yourself Put it on Instagram what about one of the one of the topics was I look really well I'm looking at it, and I look really well.

56:11I'm happy that no it's a post it But what about pictures full stop? There's been pictures where I've kept my top on, but yous weren't a fan of doing a workout and everybody getting in. I'll be honest with you, I'm with the pictures full stop after the workout. No need, is there? Not a fan. No. Mate, you've done a workout sound. Why do you need a picture? Come on, guys. Let's get in. Why do you need a picture? Do you know at the end of a game... It's a community thing. How many pictures did you have at the end of a game? Five o 'clock. lads come on we've just had 90 minutes we've all played really well we've won 3-1 let's all have a picture on the pitch newcastle eddie how did didn't he he liked the team photo wanker it's fucking out of the job we haven't got a job buttered eddie on your bike did you use step photos after the game no why would you do it now after the chucking a few fucking dumbbells about because we're all proud of ourselves road trip well i'm proud of myself if you've had scored fucking three goals at Ellen Road.

57:11Chris, Chris, Lonners, come on, Sedge, come on. Let's have a photo at Ellen Road. His voice has come out a lot today, haven't they? Have a photo at Ellen Road. Catch on the moment. So why do you feel the need to take a picture? Who's it for? It's very rarely me that suggests a picture. Walk off. By the way, I think you're forgetting that I half agree with you. They're bigger than that. I can see it. They're bigger than that. Chris, are you coming in for a photo? No. I'm going to get a shower. I've done. I've come. I've done my work. I imagine most of the time it's the gym owner, isn't it? But for more promotion.

57:47Yeah. There is a lot of that. Only the same people see the photos. It's all the dickheads in the group, isn't it? What I did see was a lot of people throwing criticism had bodies like dropped lasagnas. Fucking body's jamming now, eh? Might be a shock, that. I'm not saying... Chris the Rock Johnson's fucking throwing shots, isn't he? What? You don't need a photo.

58:19Your mates, Mrs. does it, doesn't she? They're a competitive level. Yeah, she's bang at it, yeah. Tell her what happened, because she replied, didn't she? Oh, aye, yeah. Oh, fucking hell, yeah. So this was... So this is one of the best pals when we were growing up and that is Mrs. She's into that game. To be fair, she does post a lot. So that's the only reason I know it happened. So I obviously put that photo of your mob on. And the question was, are you cross-fitting them two eyes? You know, like the eyes and what is it? Absolutely not. Can't cope with the high fives at the end of a session. That's my pal Front Right who does it.

59:09Obviously the photo of you. Yeah, I can imagine a high five is as much fun as team showers. That's what she put. But you should try it. I've been once, had a new knee the other year, so there's some stuff I wouldn't be able to do. This is me, it's on the back of her. You can always adapt. Her words. and to be fair to her, bless her, she's only got one hand. My mate's wife's only got one hand and she's an absolute avid crossfitter. So I'm chucking like I've had a new knee in. Can't do it before. Could not possibly do it. And you're complaining about the high fives. I'm on about the high fives and the photos.

59:55So I did feel a bit twatish when I said, no, I couldn't possibly do it. Do you know what? I'm going to completely backtrack here. I am if you've got an interest in summer is there any shame in wanting to share it with anybody wanting to share it with everyone and if you're proud of something share it with people we need to be careful here because last week we spoke about I know I'm doing some serious moonwalking moonwalking that far I'm just maybe I've had an epiphany during your fucking whinging that it's pushed me the other way and i'm just like you know what if you're if you're happy and you're proud of something sure away and you're better in your trying to better yourself yeah sure away don't always put people down john i'm not going to judge you he will i'll tell you what i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna start with fishing again i'm just gonna put four toes of really big fish on yeah well yeah it's similar to these photos of shite we don't want to see you shine.

1:01:01But you're proud of him. But you're proud of him. For your eyes only, James Bond. Shall we have another speak pie? Yeah. Are you half with me or not? You're offence with me. I get why people would go, why the fuck are they taking a fortnight? Not anything to do with the top. But if you've got your top off, you're an even bigger prick, aren't you? Nah. The prick's prick. Come on, Georgie boy. Gents, one for the bin. Crocs. Fuck me. Fucking ate them. Any adult male wears Crocs needs to be shot. And even worse, those pricks who wear Crocs with white socks pulled up look like absolute fucking helmets.

1:01:39So get it in the bin. Up the kosh. Oi, oi.

1:01:47I don't want to see them when I'm out and about. Have you got any? No. Am I? Have you? And I've completely converted recently. I wore them every day on a order. See, a few of my pals have got them and love them. Anybody who's got them seem to like them, love them. And I haven't stopped wearing them since I got, like, Tesco. Yeah. So, like, day-to-day routine. Yeah. And I'd have been with him. But I think I've got to a point where I'm just not arsed. Well, goofy, yeah. I think you've always been like that. Socks. Yeah, but I think Crocs would have been too far. And now. Do they not rub your toes or feet at all?

1:02:31No, you've got to go put her socks on. Would you wear Nick Rocks with him? I put socks on and all. As I said, a couple of my pals love them. One of them, in Benidon of the year, he got somewhere a little pocket on from, like a little satchel. You know what he used to keep in them? His Rennies. I swear to God. Jake, he'd got a pair of Crocs and they'd got like a little pouch on the front with a zip. Yeah. And he used to keep his rennies in. You know if he got art burn on night art?

1:03:11He can't wear them on a night out, surely. But I've worn slippers on a night out. So I'm not really... My brother swears by them for... Sorry to go back to camping, but he says they're a must. That's what I mean. I think as soon as you get them, it's a slippery slope. I'll have to try some because I can't see how they'll be comfy oh they're comfy your feet not sweating rubber I've tried a pair on and they are comfy they're ventilated haven't they they've got the holes if you've got no mint rocks on, no socks do they not sweat? your feet not, should have said socks yeah give Crocs a flippant I'm taking my hat off to you stop about the sound the Crocs are sound but I don't own any I bet there's 10 pair of Crocs in my house kids have all got Crocs different coloured Crocs I fear that if you buy some they'll be never seeing anything else yeah if we travel anywhere they'll be on do I need to stay away from the Crocs yeah oh my god this is unbelievable you know I told you mate I got a pair of Crocs with them little pockets in front I just sent him send me a photo of your Crocs with the pouch please pal I sold them I sold them last week fucking to who you come but what I sold them last week I'll see if there's a picture on the internet he sold them he sold a pair of Crocs with the pouches in front on internet who's buying second hand Crocs I don't know being in Benidorm and that I'm asking here they are here they are they're your boys

1:05:03I've got time for them like I said Rennies he used to put his Rennies in there in case he got art they're not neat at or like individual Rennies is it that small you've got to take them out the packet they're loose aye it's like a fucking 90s rave yeah bone slippy right gents I think that's us yeah I've enjoyed that yeah I think we better after a couple of drinks on Friday Club I'll tell you what I was panicking a bit when you came up with two more peroni I thought it was game over but you've bowled around well right Matty can you just get the camera out mate please can we get a photo yeah we'll get a photo yeah get the the link for SpeakPipes is in the description and the email address get the emails in yes and live shows coming in Newcastle Sheffield and Middlesbrough the link www.underthecosh.com slash live someone put in you know on the when he went to the dog non show someone put a picture of the fella from Dogs Behaving Badly and it's just you pair of geigs what's his name Alan or something So it's frowned upon having a photo with loads of dogs, loads of beautiful, sweet dogs.

1:06:29But you have a photo ripped, like sweaty and that way you top off. It's all right. See, I think that's what I mean. I think we're on a slippery slope where everything's going to be wank. That's why I'm backtracking. We all have our own personal preferences, but do what you want. I bet the fat fuckers who first come to the gym that have photos right see you next week up the cosh up the cosh It's all here on the Friday Club.

1:07:29It's all here on the Friday Club.