Friday Club | Liar Liar Pants on Fire

28:30So maybe she was susceptible to a water infection. I mean, I'm no doctor. But I'm fairly confident that people get water infections, like swimming and... Yeah, you can get it from anywhere. can't you I think I'm just taking a couple of tubes of cream on my way out definitely just obviously not not heading down what for you for the next morning yeah not heading down south of the old blizzard tongue yeah just pop the eastern block stuff in your pocket yeah the big stuff the proper like warning stuff yeast makes it sound aggressive doesn't it and what are you doing if you've got parking on top of your downstairs are you all getting out of there as well or are you saying you're on your own son yeah I was looking in the Patreon group that you set up.

29:18We need to put that picture in. Are you with your son, Tom? I need that. And I got this on the 18th of August. I'm going to say it. What's this podcast done to big Chris? He was a pretty boy when it started, and now it looks like he's just had a four-day bender. The job's killing the lad. And I thought, I mean, I've never been called a pretty boy ever. and then that in Dublin some fella just randomly came over and went you look like that fella from um Star is Born and I hadn't seen it at the time yeah and I was like is that a compliment he was like oh yeah yeah and then I watched it last week with our rotis he's an alcoholic and he's addicted at their fucking prescription drugs.

30:07So I'm thinking he's got a point, this fella. So I'm thinking, is it the hair? Is it the beard? I think, you know, I think you are looking a bit rougher. No. On the eyes. I think. And I mean, I don't know what he's watched, but there was two intros that we did post-Dublin, which was after a four-day bender. They were rough. Yeah. but then on the on the flip reverse of that you've got you've got some lovely compliments here you know love the pod and brownie's new hair that's the first compliment of that Chris yeah my mum said she liked it did she? yeah there's two what more do I want? Eileen's approval yeah so it's got a little bit I don't normally get self-conscious but I don't want to be looking like an alcoholic drug addict smack head yeah Yeah.

31:03Good film, though. I enjoyed it. Yeah, great. What if you see us then upstage? Yeah. I've never seen it. I've never seen it. Oh, great film. It's good. It is a good film. She's good as well, isn't she? Yeah. So, I don't know how it came up, but if you just have a look in the Friday crack photo, a young Chris Brown. So, this is probably five years ago. Look at that, lad.

31:28That fucker's going in a hole. Jesus. It's like somebody's had a bike pump up your ass. This is Chris, this, not me. Yeah. Is that the transfer deadline? Yeah, it certainly is. Not good. No, yeah. Take the compliments, though. Like a fine wine. You are one ugly little fat dump truck, do you? The worst one for me is the Bruce Grobbler. There's a video. That's up there. You think that's worse? That's up there, that. It's Chunky Monkey, that, innit? But it's everything. There's a lot of things. Yeah. You look like you should have your hard drive checked on that. Yeah.

32:07That can go in the group. Yeah, it's got to be in, innit? But yeah, so that's my son. That's my tan. I like the Patreon group, putting the pictures in, aren't we, from the episodes and getting other people's opinions. Although we did get a lot of shit in there when we had technical problems. No, I think you are looking a little bit older. We are. I'm 40 now. where's your hair on towards 45 look i don't think the beard's l emails just popped up shag the wag get it right it's got to be worth a read it's got a lot of finish on this oh i hope it's not our lads all right let's just have a quick skim if it is our last i don't want to know no i think we're all safe all right boys blah blah fuckity blah please keep this anonymous obviously two eyeball emoji you know it's secretive when the eyeballs come out been listening for years and been wanting to share this with you is absolutely fucking mental went out one weeknight with a few of the boys as you do and it was just an ordinary night the drinks were flowing and we ended up hitting the town not much of a ladies man and on a near year long drought at this point by the way ended up hitting the club and bumping into a girl.

33:25Being sauced up, the Dutch courage was in full floor. We were chatting and dancing and it turned into grinding. Bit of bump and grind. Sounds saucy, doesn't it? And dance floor humping. Have you ever done a dance floor hump? I'm not. I'm just... I totally thought so back in the day. I tell you like that, you know, like at the Nottingham Carnival. Well, they're good at it as well, aren't they? And the cat... And the... And the little bit of that. goes a bit too far for me he's just shagging with claws on it's almost the twerk the twerk's sexy there was her not in ill one thing led to another and she was staying at a luxury hotel and I somehow ended up going back with her but nothing was happening to eyeball emoji you went back to an hotel and then nothing happening I think that's the eyeball emoji I think he's kind of saying yeah things weren't around I'm going to say what do you do nothing's happening she's saying come back to our hotel but I'm telling you nothing's happening yeah and it's gone we have got lovely tea and coffee making facilities which I said yeah no worries so he's like I couldn't I got into the room and bang she pushed me on the bed and we started kissing and grinding again on the bed and the one wood was in full floor you know the rest the next bit shook me up a bit because after we'd finished I got a glimpse of her phone and seen a glimpse of a Premier League footballer when I thought she was single.

34:57She's not just a big fan.

35:02I thought it might just be a crush, but I seen a video of the end of season pitch walk and there they were. It was a few years ago, but I lived off the high for a while whilst working my nine to five office job, living with my mum. I got a literal taste and feel of the high life for one night and one night only. Not a bad way to end a year-long drought. Can that be topped? I mean, I can't believe you've not told us who it was. I know. Can you send a private? Send us a private email? You can email again and just tell us who it was. You've got to tell us who it was. We won't reveal it. So she's been grinding on the dance floor.

35:42She's offered them back, but nothing's happening. They've ended up having a one-night stand. Another hyena job, innit? I mean, it's bad enough if you find out that she's married. Yeah. Did she have the rings on? It was a good drop, that, wasn't it? Yeah, shagged a whack. Great work. Capital letters. I feel sorry for him. I really would like to know who it were. I feel sorry for him. Oh, aye, but he might be off. They might be sound with it. Yeah. Some people are into that. We don't know, do we? Just on that, since you've first started the old sexy time, what's been your longest route? It's going to have to be three or four days or something.

36:23Nearly a week, maybe. Oh, no. I wouldn't like to guess, Chris. I'd be guessing if I was... Yeah. Can you remember going a full month without a... I've done six. Six months? Fuck me. I bet you were going off your head, weren't you? When I were about... Twelve. No. Eighteen, nineteen? That's right. Were they giving your phone numbers out when you were getting the drinks, not working at this point? that's a long time that was like I'd been in a three year relationship and then it was a six month you know coming out of it like out of practice I can remember can you remember when we went to you were going to Donny might remember when we went out to Woodsy when we stopped at Woodsy's and I'd just got I was like going through my divorce and that so I'd been with my ex-wife probably 10-11 years or something like that I can remember just saying like I fucking forgot how to pull a bird at you.

37:18Yeah. Totally forgot how to do it. What do you do? How do you talk to them? And all that. And then a couple of weeks later, we went to Leeds and all fucking back on me all. I went to you. Cream always rises, doesn't it? In that Normans. Oh, fucking hell. I was knocking them off me. Six months at 18, Cress. Yeah. No, I never heard out like that. Worked for lack of trying, like. There's no banks. You get put in your rod out, but there's nothing well. Jumping on. How I met your mother. Hey, lads, blah, blah, blah. A story from the past I wanted to share with you guys. Sorry it's a long one. Please keep it anonymous as you are the first to know about it.

38:03About 15 years ago, I started dating a girl. Let's call her Katie. She was... Oh, sound.

38:13I sent her a picture where I was one and a half stone overweight, but no. It's starting again. She wasn't the prettiest, a three out of ten, but had a cracking body, I'd say about an eight out of ten. We were both about 18 at the time and met through college. And after meeting up a few times, we decided to go to her house to meet her mum and dad. By the way, in brackets, her mum had a cracking body also, but an even better face. Nine out of ten for both. I mean, that's... That's good, isn't it? I mean, in terms of the gene pool, he's giving the mum a nine out of ten and the daughter a three out of ten.

38:54He's pitched a very low, hasn't he? They've gone in with the threes. After the usual introductions, her parents were sat in the living room. Me sat next to Katie on the sofa and her parents sat on the sofa to the left of us. After chatting for around an hour, her mum was very bubbly and chatty. Her dad very quiet, me thinking maybe he's just a quiet person. After a while, Katie and her mum walked into the kitchen to get us some drinks. Her dad then came and sat next to me and said abruptly, I want you to stop flirting with my wife. You're going out with my daughter. Worrying in that situation?

39:39I was in shock. I didn't know if he was being serious. I obviously denied it and said I wasn't. And then he walked off in a mood and got into his car and drove off. Katie and her mum walked in asking where he had gone. My response was, no idea. I never brought up the flirting story to Katie as I thought it was a bit of lad banter. He's singing and Dad's just having a bit of crack. Yeah, yeah. As he probably would. At no point would you go, he's being deadly serious. I don't know. If it is banter, it's good from Dad. Yeah. I remember going meeting a girl's mum and dad for the first time and a brother just come up to me.

40:22I think I might have said this before, but he just went, so you're the one fucking my sister, are you? And I was like, and he went, nah, I'm all kidding. Nice to meet you. Were you? Yeah, I was. A few weeks later, I had run Katie's house phone. Her mum had picked it up and said she was out with a friend. Her mum was very chatty down the phone and asked the simple question of how's college? Have you been busy this weekend? Just the normal stuff. The conversation lasted about two minutes and said I would ring back later when Katie was back. about 10 minutes later my phone rang me seeing it was katie's house number on the screen i answered it expecting it to be her it was her dad questioning me why i was talking to his wife and that i needed to back off and if i didn't that he would tell katie again i explained that i wanted to speak to katie but he was having none of it again i didn't want to bring this up to katie as she would think the whole thing was a bit weird.

41:28A week had passed since then, and I was this time staying the night at Katie's house while her parents went away for the weekend. We got up to the usual things that you do when parents are away, so I don't need to go into too much detail. You lads know how it works. The next day, Katie had gone into work and left me in the house on my own. To pass the time, I watched the TV, played on the PS3 and chilled out. Then, there was a knock at the door. It was Katie's mum who had come home early as she was feeling unwell. She then went up to bed to get some rest. She said I could stay downstairs and wait for Katie to finish work, which I did.

42:09Why is the mum knocking at the door? You think the dad's got the keys? She's knocking at her own door, isn't she? Fifteen minutes later, Katie's mum started to shout down the stairs to get my attention. So I ran upstairs to see what she wanted. I ran into the room and she was wrapped up in bed. She said, is there any chance you could get me a glass of water? Which I did. I ran downstairs to fill up a glass of water and went back upstairs. I stayed up there a while talking about general life. Then suddenly, I hear the door go. Thinking it was Katie, I shouted, we're up here in the bedroom. It wasn't Katie.

42:49It was her dad. He ran into the bedroom and started accusing me of sleeping with his wife. Before I got a chance to explain my innocence, he came at me with a golf club. Fearing for my life, I then had to jump through a bedroom window to get away from him. He then shouted out the window and said, If you ever come back here again, I'm going to knock you the fuck out. Debating whether I should call the police, I then had to walk the long six-mile home in the piss-wet rain with my coat still at Katie's and my phone out of charge. After the long walk home, it gave me time to do a lot of thinking. I took the coward's way out and ran Katie to break things off with her and didn't want the hassle of her dad ramming a nine iron up my arse.

43:38I did say I would be round to pick up my coat at some point. The next day, I went round to the house, knowing her dad would have been at work. I knocked on the door and Katie's mum answered the door. She said that there was no one in and would I like to come in for my coat. Red flags here with a story? I don't think Katie's mum's innocent in all this. No. I thought I was just being cynical. I don't know, we'll see. I stepped into the house and said to take a seat while she got by court. About ten minutes had passed before she came back with my court and apologised about her husband's actions and that she would do anything to stop me going to the police.

44:19As she said this, she gave me a cheeky wink with her tongue out and said, come upstairs. I will make it up to you. Nah. Well, he's right to be fucking... Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's not her first. No, this isn't... Yeah, she's got form down at the petting zoo. As a horny 18-year-old, I thought this could well be a trap, but my one word was thinking, go upstairs. Are we all doing the same? Yeah. And the next 30 minutes were immense. You can kind of guess what happened. I got to grab the beautiful body and her tits in my face as she rides my one-wood. Once we'd finished, it was time to leave. But before I left, she said this was a one-off and to never come back.

45:13I think that it's not the first time this has happened. No, because I'm thinking he's a paranoid nutter initially. Yeah. She's been done before, hasn't she? Yeah, cradle snatcher. I stuck to my word and never went back. To this day, I have never been back and never heard from Katie, her mum or her dad. I am now happily married with three kids, but a story that will always stick with me. Keep up the good work, lads. Did he get his coat back? That's what I'm thinking, Ollie. Yeah, she brought it in, didn't she? It took her ten minutes. Did he get his coat back? Dad's right to be. But it's not his fault.

45:54It's not the young lad's fault, is it? No. Dad's still out of order. Oh, yeah. At this point, he's done that wrong, has he? No. And our mum knew exactly what she was doing from the start, didn't she? She's amongst the one. She's got a lot of form. I started thinking when you said she shouted him off to get her a glass of water, I was like, is this just my flipping brain here that's going down this avenue? but it's a bit Stifler's mum and jobby innit

46:24imagine how uncomfortable you feel if you go around to your missus's parents house and you feel like the mum's trying it on with you or being a bit full on back of the net

46:37well I think that's ship's sail for parking she's never tried it on one

46:50quick break gents because this week i'm i'm excited about this we've teamed up with invincible studio and we've got a message from them telling us all about the new game soccer manager 20 26 dear utc firstly the formalities we are huge fans of the pod and have been from the start Keep up the great work and the laughs flowing. Blah, blah, blah. I like it. We'll try his best. A bit about us. We're massive football fans and instead of getting proper jobs many years ago, we set up a games company here in Preston and decided to make football games on mobile. As Preston North End fans, we have very fond memories of Brownie and John lighting up the terraces at Deepdale.

47:35Probably more me than him. We've petitioned the club for statues, but so far our calls have fallen on deaf ears. Finney, Brown and Parkin. We thought it was time the football world could witness their greatness again. So, for a bit of fun, we've put peak era Brownie, John and little ball Chris into our new game, Soccer Manager 2026. We're back. We're back, Chrissie. In the create a club mode on the game, managers can finally pair Brownie and John up front in a fantasy strike duo. That's what the punters want to say, isn't it? That's getting into Europe. And they're going to say that is what dreams are made of.

48:16Brains and brawn combining in an irresistible force for the first time in football history. Are you the brains? I think I might be both, to be honest. Oh, God. We've taken the liberty to send over the players' cards that we've put into the game. We've grabbed the images from some online fan forums, so I hope these are OK. here in the studio we've already played a few trial matches with the Coshers and it's quite simply liquid football it's always going to be with me and you up there and Chrissie right wing crossing it in we've just done this for a bit of a laugh and thought you might like it do let us know how you and the listeners if they fancy it get on managing yourselves in the game love the podcast keep up the great work and up the Cosh the team at Invincible Studio go makers of Soccer Manager 2026.

49:09We've got a copy of the players here. Do you want to have a look? Please. I don't think you're going to be happy with this, Christopher. Go on. No, the brains in the bra is not looking great, I'll tell you. Nah.

49:24Have a look at it. You've come off all right in this, by the way. That's the best I've ever seen you look. I might have slipped a little email in. Free tickets? Yeah. Yeah. Free tickets for a live show, email gone in. Just the nose on that. Just so you know, that nose is massive. Download Soccer Manager 2026 now from the App Store, Google Play or Steam and lead your favourite team to glory. This is massive for me, you know. In a computer game. Did you used to do it when you were young? Did you play as yourself? Yeah. Did you always put yourself in? I used to be all right, I don't believe it or not.

50:02But did you always, would you be like playing as Man United and put yourself in? Yeah, I'd always sign myself. You've got to, haven't you? You've got to. Yeah. It's like so bad, really, isn't it? Signing yourself with Man U. And then would you always pass to yourself as well, even though you were through on goal? Yeah. I was on everything. Corners, goal kicks. Well, should we put Andy Cole on? Nah. Chris Brown. Leave him on the bench. Leave him on the bench. That nose is outrageous, though. But. Accurate.

50:37so let me go back to the diaries of the south yorkshire shagalads is that the psychic sally that's psychic sally is that the one when they were out um with the pals on a wednesday night in sheffield i think he just went round you because you said it was horrendous that she she invited him out for sex first night without me and what have you he was think basically i'll I'll start reading it because he half explains. As previously stated in my first email, due to a breakup, I went on a two-year shagging spree and met a lot of women on the way, with a few being strange in one way or the other. This leads me on to another conquest that, for me, is my absolute favourite due to my quick thinking and how it played out.

51:23Picture this. It's early May, and after a quick coffee date, I brought a lady back to my house. I knew I was on a promise. she was absolutely gagging for it. Let's call this one Natasha. Like Kevin Pressman in his later years of his career, a biggin but could handle the balls quite well. I do like the footballer young reasons. The sex was nothing to write home about, but after finishing her... But after finishing in her mouth, she did the unthinkable. She tried to kiss me, just seconds, after I'd shot my lord. Not for me, thanks, he says. This is where the story gets interesting. Before we carry on, what about you on that?

52:09Testing your own seed. So if you're exactly in Rose's mouth, this is one for your dad, this. If you're exactly in Rose's mouth, how long is it until you get a kiss? It wouldn't bother me. No? No. I mean, I'm not getting my tongue in there, like, but peck on the on the lips is alright John what about if she goes in for the old snog the French kiss what are you are you get away are you get away go and brush your teeth why have you got such a disgusting humour why have you got such a thing about your own semen like what like you're like oh such a disgusting human you have no aren't you you've mentioned that before you can suck me off but do not come anywhere near me with yeah with your semen lips afterwards.

52:59We'll brush your nashes, though. Yeah, it's strange. No, it wouldn't bother me. I mean, I wouldn't be, I wouldn't be gargling it. Nah. But, if you can, have you ever dipped your finger in it? I've tasted my own alley, aye. Right. I didn't like it. No? Well, I don't think I ever have, other than what you've just mentioned. Yeah. Right. This is where the story gets interesting. I glanced at the clock in my bedroom and it read 1939. 39. Something I should mention at this point is that on the evening in question, Sheffield Wednesday and Sunderland were due to face off in the second leg of the League 1 playoff semi-final at Hillsborough.

53:35A game that you lads covered. I vividly remember partly moaning that he was going to miss his large donor due to extra time and potentially penalties. That was when Patrick Roberts... In this moment, with the deed done and her trying to gift me back some of my spunk with a kiss, I asked myself the question How the fuck do I get this woman out of my house in a six minute window in order to watch the rest of the match do you like the smell of sex? I don't mind it you know John just digressing again can you smell it though? the next day do you know if you had a proper bash and you go downstairs for a drink and then you come back in ooh it smells sexy sexy it's not sexy though is it?

54:18no I don't mean sexy as in ooh sexy I wonder if they do a sense sexish I wonder if they do a sexy-scented candle where you can... If you're not getting any, you feel like you are. When you can smell sex, do you think, I've been part of that. Good shift. Yeah, I've done a good job there. I created that order. Yeah, I'm not bothered about it. Do you like it or...? Nah. Yeah, I don't mind it.

54:53John's five peronies in, by the way. Another thing to mention, my mum had recently had a little fall at work and needed help getting back up again. She wasn't hurt or anything, maybe just a little bit embarrassed. I had a brainwave, and it was absolutely genius. I excused myself from the bedroom in order to go and get a drink after our activities. However, I actually went to get my phone. I told her that I'd received a number of missed calls from my mum and that I should call her back. Instead, I called my brother, who I knew would help me out. This goes back to what you alluded to earlier, Chris.

55:31He answered, and I pretended that it was my mum on the floor, at her house after falling and being unable to get herself back up. Nah, then. Hey! He's sinking to lows, isn't he? here as i said my half of the conversation as if my mum was laying there calling out for help no he was shouting down the phone things like hello this isn't your mum it's your brother you dickhead what are you talking about so he hasn't worded him up i quickly ended the call and sent him a text which read getting rid of a bird i then continued the phone call with my mum I told her I'd be there as soon as I could Loud enough so that Natasha downstairs could hear me And so I proceeded to head downstairs to tell her the devastating news That she had to leave as I was going out She seemed really worried and started getting ready to leave I got dressed and ushered her out of the house as fast as I could Hoping she'd fuck off pronto and I could just stick the match on I forgot about the match I did We were there.

56:37We were there. I was thinking about this little man. Forgot his ultimate goal. Oh, he can sit down and watch Match Now. Unfortunately, she sat in her car for what felt like 20 minutes, which meant that I had to actually leave the house to go and tend to my fallen mother. I drove away from my house as slowly as I could so that I could see when she finally set off. I did one lap around the estate in which she lived in and returned home and put the match on I missed the first eight minutes with all her farting around in the car but thankfully I was home alone to watch Patrick Roberts break the hearts of all those Sheffield Wednesday fans in the 93rd minute all's well that ends well I never saw Natasha again despite her asking how my mum was after her fall my brother's my brother obviously found the story hilarious and didn't mind playing is part in my lie.

57:35However, the reaction my mum gave me wasn't quite the same. You little bastard. Shout out to my brother who was the one that recommended this podcast every Friday. Pick your next story. The Derbyshire Dwarf, the melty meat woman, the cubbly cum sock, up the cosh. I don't think that's a story. I think he's just saying. Derbyshire Dwarf. Yeah? Yeah. Right. Tender in. But you like dwarfs. I think he needs to, if that's me, I'm just driving to the pub. Watching the first half in the pub? Yeah. Yeah. Rather than doing a lap of the estate and coming back. It just depends if they've eaten. If they've eaten.

58:17He didn't say. If they've not eaten, I might be driving round, ordering my Chinese on route, pick it up, fetch it back. I might miss first half an hour. Yeah, smaller that. Have you ever been caught up with a lie? Go in. Go in full. You fucking have early doors today. Where do we start, Chris? Wasn't a lie. We might have another fucking three Friday clubs here. I might have to have a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday club. Never got caught up. My best lie when I said I got arrested. Did I speak about it on the Patreon? I went out of London Tuesday night, never contacted ex-wife until Thursday morning at half nine.

59:00says why have you not phoned me or whatever and I said I've been arrested yesterday in Stoke and they'll give me one phone call and I said well I'll have to obviously I had to phone the club so I've worked with him for training so that was my only phone call gone right and he must have some business well we've got the Leeds short there isn't many tickets at all no I believe there's less than 20 15 tickets left Saturday October the 11th with the Killgallon to be fair I wonder if it's worth putting it out there is scope for an afternoon show yeah so if people would be interested there is talk which we did last time yeah we did last time an afternoon show if that but there's 20 tickets left for that evening show for now Sunderland it was sold out but I know with the change of date, I think there's a couple of people can't make it and there might be 10, 15 tickets available for that now.

1:00:05Max. Max. Super Kevin Phillips, by the way. Yeah. So snap them up. I forgot. What day is it, that? Friday. Yeah, Friday the 20th of November. Anything else? Massive thanks to the Patreons, as always. Yeah. Two extra episodes. You don't realise how important you are. The Patreons. To us. To us. Massive, innit? Stalked tonight. Sold out. Right, so... Up the cosh. Up the cosh, lads. Until next week. Get me some food, because I'm hungry. What are you fancying? Chinese.

1:00:57to the week or clapping them cheeks. Maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank. It's all here on the Friday Club.

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