Friday Club | Man In a Van

30:52But we called him Eric Stinkler. Right. Because he's pen and ink. Billy Ocean. Billy Ocean's a classic though, Chris. I can let him off for that. but Eric Stinkler's not. No, but everybody will know Billy Ocean, Eric Stinkler's. Yeah, so I'll play with a guy called Eric Tinkler and he smelt. So he'd get out of the shower, use all the fucking, all the shizzle. All the smellies. Yeah, get out of the shower. By the time he put his tracksuit on, you could smell him again. He'd got a medical condition with it. I think we can add that to your list. ADHD, sciatica, whatever stinks I'd. That condition.

31:31That one as well. I keep forgetting the words. Oh, yeah, I forgot about the liabilities. That's the one. Liabilities. It's got me that bastard. I'll do some research to medicate myself with someone. Here we go. Brom hydrosis. This is the most common medical cause of strong body odor. Often affects armpits and feet. Can be worse with heavy sweat and certain foods. You are bad on your food. Yeah. Or poo at ventilation of the skin. Yeah, look these. These look very ventilated, are they? It's gone here. Yeah, it's gone. It's gone. It's gone. Know that? There'll be another nose joke coming soon. Fat cunt.

32:17Yeah. You big fat prick.

32:26Right, I've got an update on the sticky wicket, man. John Smith's. Hi lads, I heard you read out my story last week and was made up that you read it. I thought I'd give some feedback on some points brought up if I could. John mentioned he imagined me smoking Caffey Cremes. He was so close. I used to pinch my dad's King Edward cigars and smoke them. I knew you were a cigar, man. My mates would also buy them off me for£2.50. Businessman. Yeah. He fits the bill. Yeah. This would go towards the beer stash. I am a Sheffield boy born and bred, Sophie Orkshire. Yep. Do your accent that you normally do.

33:08No. It always upsets you, that accent, doesn't it? Thing is, you were right, though, because you did it. Yeah. And now reside in Kent with my wife, and we've been together for 20 years. She knows of the story, as I had to once turn down her homemade fish pie. I was honest, and she pissed herself when I told her, and she never lets me forget it. I can stomach haddock and chips now and then, but it's the fishy fish that does me. The crab, the salmon, the fish pies turn my stomach. Just writing this brings back that fearful night. And to answer Brownie's question about the looks, please see Forte what he sent a Forte.

33:48Of himself? I was a bit of a chunky lad until I found the fat jabs. What a jabber. they're never too far away are they and still love a John Smith's keep up the good work and we'd love to see you at a live show sometime take care lads, Neil let's have a look at it Neil oh Jesus looking at that I wouldn't have him down as a John Smith's man no but like he says it looks a bit too well kept now doesn't it I'd even go gin and tonic looks like it could be the thing for the new Peaky Blinders type thing doesn't it or the new Jason Staben film. Very well groomed. Yeah. Hair pristine. Tell you what we didn't speak about at the time.

34:33I bet you he was pitted with jewellery. Yes. Yeah. Sovereigns. Yeah. St. Christopher. The necklace over the... Chain, matching chain and bracelet. Yeah. A thick one. A thick gold chain, but like that you got from Gran Canaria. Definitely fake. Yeah. Yeah. A gold chain, a massive pencil and a laser pen. Obviously with his older sort of theme, he might be able to ring on his little finger. Like granddad's do. No, I'm not seeing little finger. Yeah, I think big sovereign. I think sovereign. Sovereigns, yeah, possible hoop tea ring. Yeah, I can see that. Fuck me, my best mate. It's a fair to write fucking job.

35:19Is this kidnapper? He used to have a J.R. that were his ring, J-R one on each finger? no, just one big J-R like initials that you used to get from Index yeah, I don't know if you know from Argos but it was solid I think a fucking few wore it on the chin of it years and all to be fair it was horrible man, absolutely horrible I hope he's still got it, I'll get it to where I do it fucking Phil, Jamie Ravenhill

35:53it's baffled as that the photo I want to see that I'm thinking I will be thinking more it looks like Jeremy Clarkson you know like chinos shirt yeah unkept yeah t-shirt and then a check shirt over top a bit farmerish yeah maybe a wax jacket yeah you know the old school wax jackets yeah if you were going to get kidnapped in a van, which trade would you... Probably Escort. What trade would I want to be kidnapped by? Yeah, what trade, man, would you not want? Because I'm thinking... Would I not want? Yeah, you don't want bricklayer. A lot of sharp edges, bricks. Rough hands. Rough hands. Gardener.

36:39A lot of tools. Again. Trade, innit? Yeah, electrician, not too bad. what about that we saw in Worsley Car Park a dog sitter dog sitter there's just going to be blankets isn't there is that a trade though it's a benefit of the question I wouldn't go to a dentist they don't have vans they don't have vans there was a van pulled into the car park dog thingy dog soaker it's going to have toys in there keep you occupied for a long drive cages stop squeaking that fucking phone will you i think maybe a plasterer because he's going to be smoothies i'm going to be dusty in it in back at van yeah dusty i'm thinking more of the sex chris not the not the surroundings you're going to come out your clothes are going to be full of plaster dust yeah dust yeah but he's going to be nice and smooth with you in it what about Ice cream van Oh A bit of a snack While he's taking you Getting the Mr Whippy On the go Yeah Yeah I know but It's hard to kidnap somebody In an ice cream van Without glass It'd be not It'd be not worse than Getting the nuts and juice Splatting all over your face It's probably so Hundreds of thousands It's hard to get off That juice Yeah I'm going ice cream van Carpet fitter Yeah That'd be alright You get knee pads on and all yeah I think I think the dog dog groomers because they're going to come to bed or are they going to put you in a cage that might be part of their fantasy yeah and you can put a lead on yeah there's everything that you need lead chuck a couple of cage chuck a couple of bonyos in it all just have a little nibble while he's on his drive and then what's them things they put on after an op you know what to stop them or a cone yeah you can put a cone on that can be or a muzzle I think we've nailed it there Yeah Yeah If I was going to be kidnapped Get to where's the car park lads It'd be a dog walker Get to where's the car park I don't know I felt the tampons lads Have you?

38:53Yeah No the tampons had up my nose Other way Last week Been a listener For a year now And binged all seasons Love the Friday Club Although I do have to Stop listening to you lads When I'm in the man cave Throwing darts As it's ruining my game

39:11I don't know why that's tickled me, it just has. Turn that off love, I'm double 18. Anyway, just listen to your latest Friday Club, Three Men and a Baby, and I'd like to offer£2.50 for John's Snotty Tampons. Also as the big man has always wanted to send a one woodpick, I always wanted to, I just said I never have. if he sends me if first ever one I'd be happy to pay £10 per inch so that would be a whopping grand total of£30 for the picture give him an extra inch of kindness so basically I've sold two tampons that have been up my nose and a cockpit for £32.50 I mean it's not a bad start better value than mini eggs eh better value than mini eggs yeah ooh I might have to start trading I do have a question after all where is the strangest place you've ever had a danger wank as an ex-squaddy I have some mad stories of danger wanks if you're interested keep up the good work, all the best Benny I've never been a danger wanker no, plain never you ever have a wank at work?

40:24no I've had a couple at trading grounds and that it's disgusting isn't it how can you ever get aroused in a scruffy training ground. It would have been on a Friday when you'd all got off on that and I was stopping over. In the bar? Yeah, shower a bit. Bath, ah. Shower a bit? The communal shower a bit? Yeah. Yeah, look at me. I have a wanky shower when all the lads have gone in. Oh, fuck you now.

40:55He was so buzzing with us. It's been seven or eight minutes but he's finally come back attacking, hasn't he? He's back. At least you're proud of it Yeah if you're in Right on the back of last week's episode You were putting yourself forward For OnlyFans Clobber There's no eye in team Chris There is many eyes in individual brilliance As an OnlyFans creator As a side hustle The rules on selling items On the sites have changed since I started so can no longer do so. A creator. I don't know if I use creator as the terminology for it. This is where Male Things Worn come into play. All Things Worn is the female version, I believe.

41:50The website is free to use, but you have to pay to message members for sales. Also, this is a completely different website. Yes. Right. Male things worn Anything you can think of Is sold on this website From day one undies To pubic hair To custom content What's that Must be filming It's an every no wanker That money It's custom I'm assuming Are you taking requests You get a message You take a request And they say Oh I'd love it If you just blew your nose And said me your hanker Yeah That's exactly what it'll be Well we could do it We could do something to that. Anything you can think of is sold on this website.

42:33From day-worn undies to pubic hair to custom content. In the past, I have sold gym and multiple day-worn clothing that stank of sweat. Should be alright on that. The sweatier and the muckier, the better for buyers. I've been asked to dribble piss no balls out technique with that. Leave skid marks and cum stains, oh, all over which can fetch a hefty price tag if you find the right buyer. Do you think he's sending these to men or women? I think to men. Yeah, men. That would be my initial assumption, but after last week's CNC, who knows? I kind of like knowing that my sweaty drenched gym t-shirts and cum stain boxers are all over the world in someone else's possession.

43:29Isn't it a dirty twister isn't it? Meanwhile I got paid for it and got to get rid of some old clothes that were destined for the bin. Kiss kiss kiss. Brownies mate at the gym. Genius though isn't it? It is fucking mint isn't it? Stuff that you're not bothered about keeping. How much are you going to get for these lads? Covered in shit and piss. Mitterary monk and all. Fucking hell. They will tick all the bases. You're looking at four figures for these lads. That's our first item. No, no. I'm listing them. No, the Under Armours are getting a lot more. These lads? Yeah. They've been out for six months.

44:11We're sitting on a fucking... Gold mine. Mm-hmm. I've never seen anybody drink that in my life. How exciting is it? What? You just drank a massive glass of water like it were a shot. Gold mine!

44:31I didn't realise what I'd done, oh. So basically I can just shit my jammer bottoms and plug them? Yeah. Fucking hell. I think you've got to start making a name for yourself first. You know so that you're a sought after creator. Shitty John, I put it on my bio, Shitty John. You're a sought after creator. Has he got photos of this sent on there? He must have, yeah. Like, didn't they want somebody who's... Has he got a good frame? I'm guessing it'll just be like a dating thing where you can put multiple pictures on as your profile. But what kind of price are you fetching as well? Do you be more like a fine wine?

45:15You know, a vintage, whereby you're not selling that much. But you're selling for premium prices. You're sought after. you're not selling that much so you're getting premium prices for you're a vintage bottle yeah because if there's loads on there yeah just everything socks undies hankies I wonder if you've got to bibs I wonder if you've got to film yourself you've got to prove it coming in the pants see I think there'll be tears there'll be a tear system I think everything comes with a price yeah so you obviously a pair of your oddballs yeah pants you've there's got to be video evidence of you exactly in them no that that'll be a five pound for the pants worn pants will you come in them for another tenner yes i will and then and if you want the video evidence then you're talking exactly it's got legs on at this Nail things worn Don't tell everybody Everybody's going to be at it Haven't they We'll get a profile picture tonight We're going to flood the market You have to show your grid I'm guessing so To pull in the true coin The proper coin Pull in the big box You need to be showing your face I'll tell you what I would have been able to get a few quid for The mankini were on my first dag do for three days Yeah Pitted I think I'd get a few quid for them Belters the underarmers but then it's a 50 pound I'll come in these shorts right if you want is Lord and his load on 150s I'm not I'm taking them off when you're doing that bit like no you well that's it again price in it price is going up video you've just gotta I'm wanting I'm wanting a lot of money for it to just wait to sit here while you're wank on us

47:12We can't do it at Airbnbs, can't we? Nice, we can do it at Airbnbs, can't we? We'll have to clean it all up then. I can shit in shorts as well as anybody. Yeah, I think you're right, though, because I think we need to build up a bit of a reputation. Send a few mysterious pictures of us looking really well and then, oh, I'd love to get these lads' pants. I mean, do you... I tell you, we'll be the big... Well, I've got it. I tell you, we're the big money, man. Mattie you know from behind the camera because nobody knows where it looks like other yeah so on the profile picture could be us three and then the silhouette yeah and that could be like the yeah proper money you're talking to a knife gun for my wanky do you want in on it or do you just want to take the pictures and you want to be the creator you don't have to sell your stuff if you don't want i tell you what you don't need to do with filming like that and then turn it around like that but then you got to get involved if you want to get the price up you have to put yourself out though i know it's going to be more cringy than than i i'm not bothered about making loads of money off it i'd keep my face what's that one when you give messages video happy birthday frank cameo Cameo It's going to be Next level Cringe cameo Is it Naked Martin?

48:38Yeah Is that his name? Oh he moves the shit On his hand Yeah So you're going to be like Yeah but I can't I've got kids On that one That's what I mean If you want to make The big bucks John I'm not about making The big bucks I'll just make A steady stream You're going to have To be getting on Twitter On Facebook Instagram David Stoyer I'll say Happy birthday To your uncle Frank and say happy bar mitzvah to your auntie Julie, shit in my pyjamas, no problem, I'll send them over. Lads, I think I'm Alan Sugar, I think I'm out. Nah. I might be on the grid on. When he's 18 and you're getting him a flipping ranger over, you're Oliver.

49:18Yeah, you've got to be like ticky-tocky, you've got to see it like that ticky-tocky fella. Oliver, I've got something to tell you. And Bonnie Blue. I've started wanking in shorts on film. But here there's Keith Tick-Gard here. Oh, sound brilliant, Dad. So proud of you. You've got to take the mentality of Bonnie Blue and that Tiki Toki fella where they're like, oh, I'm sorting my kids out for the future. And if you've got to shit in a pair of pyjamas, John... 680 games, fucking 700 podcasts, and he's got it because I'm fucking shitting some shorts on film. Here you go, son. Even pay for insurance.

49:50He's thinking about his future. He'll be all right.

49:56Here we go. All right, lads. got a bit of a different email than usual, got a bit of a dilemma. In short, me and the missus got engaged and I managed to get her up the... It was like you. Up the Damien in the space of a month. Damien Duff. Everything's all rosy. However, our families despise each other as a big incident happened between them. I've managed to get things back to normal with the in-laws, but I can't see how our families can ever see eye to eye. I'm hoping the little one will be able to connect everyone back together. Well, I thought you meant me. You mean to baby, doesn't you? A lot of responsibility for a baby liking it.

50:37Just let me enjoy the senses, don't we? But I'm not holding my breath. Me and the missus are trying to think of ways of solving this, but are struggling big time. We're not into the wanky gender reveal ideas or anything like that, but believe this could be a good opportunity to get everyone together before we get married next year. if you have any suggestions this would be massively appreciated all the best Mr Anon I wonder what the big incident was I think it must be some sort of family ball in a pub or something along them lines wouldn't it or somebody's had somebody's had somebody from other family that shouldn't have done and all that sort of stuff someone's beat somebody up are we getting them back together that's what we're here for Yeah, I think you're better off just with the head of both families individually and saying, look, obviously, this has gone off.

51:33Do you fancy patching up? Are you thinking like godfather stuff? Yeah, like, you know, it'd probably be the dad of the family, wouldn't it? Yeah. Right, whatever happened, happened. Whatever happened, happened. Do you think we can try and move on past it for its sake of burn? Hmm. We don't like this. We don't like the situation, but we love each other. We're having a baby. Count, is there any way we can... Yeah. And if one of them says no, and the other one says yeah, well, then you're fucked. Because at your point, you're wasting energy. If you just decide to say, oh, we'll meet in the pub and have a few drinks.

52:10It's all good. No. It's awkward to start with. Yeah, and then somebody ends up pissed. It's like Cheltenham. And then the ones who have got the issue don't speak anywhere. And it's ranking then, isn't it? they pass the message down to Cousin Johnny, who's a bit feisty, listen. Yeah. Us and the O 'Reillys have agreed. Yeah, it's a bit like that, isn't it? Truce. But do you know, like, christening to say. You can't enjoy the christening, can you? No. Wondering if it's going to go off at any minute. Yeah. You can't enjoy, I don't know if you said they were married, but you can't enjoy the wedding because you're thinking that something's going to happen at any stage.

52:47All it takes is somebody pissed up, bumps into somebody, wind down the top fucking all hell brought the way but even before that there'll be animosity you know awkward silences and people stood on one side of the room yeah some been alright some not I think that's the way go to heads of the family like you said yeah what about coming together in the face of adversity I'm thinking arrange a kidnapping maybe speak to your local dog walker get a van she missus is in on it she gets tumbled in a van and then you're like you get onto the heads of the family she's been bloody kidnapped come on and then they come together right what's number plate for her all the families come together to save her they find it in a car park he's run off well unless someone's willing to take a beating light but he runs off they get him but they save her together and that brings the families together yeah and they're all high-fiving each other tell you what Chris you're not fucking Scorsese are you pal Jesus Christ They pull the door open I'll tell you what you're better off doing with that No kidnapping or out, just a big fire Set an house a fire Somebody runs in and gets budgie out There's no people in the house Nobody's in the house But one of the family really loves the budgie There's a big fire, house goes up One from other family runs in Comes out with a cage yeah pulls towel off budgie's still alive sound yeah that's as fucking wank as yours kidnapping fucking hell just trying to bring people back together John yeah no I knew what you were getting at Chris I didn't know but heads of the family get them to filter it down yeah test the water type thing really because they might just go not together not together to start with yeah but separately to start with and if they're both so then together and then let them let the pool trickle but you've got to be wary that there might just be a plain no that's right just depends what's going on but at least you know then at least you know no point worrying about it then yeah not great still but it's done bit heavy that wasn't it here we go the art of the hand job this is one thing that never gets really a mention we spoke about the dying art of fingering what else have we spoke about john's incapable of looking to pay orals gentlemen you recently spoke about fingering being a dying art well what about the good old fashioned hand job personally I've always been a fan and like most fellas I perfected them by mid teens But from experience, I've only met a handful of women that can get it right.

55:48Maybe they just don't do it enough. Maybe it's just too simple. Maybe it's all a bit too mysterious for them. Who knows? But an ex once told me that she didn't see the point in doing something that I can do myself. Well, that's just a silly way of looking at things, isn't it? She's just a dick. No wonder if she's an ex. No point fingering then, isn't she? Exactly. Yeah. To me, it's an underappreciated art form that is just important as fingering or a blowjob. I'm fully behind this, by the way. Yeah, I am. I am. My wife wasn't that interested in them at first, but she blamed it on her ex for not wanting them.

56:25I'm glad to report, however, that after a bit of encouragement, she now loves it. And her repertoire is second to none. Oh, so he's been part of the coaching process there, hasn't he? If you can coach them how you want it, you're lapping, aren't you? On a recent trip to Norway, though, I introduced myself to a lovely blonde German girl who goes by the name of the Magic Muffin. I'll give John a minute or ten to look her up. I'll have a look later on, don't worry about that. Her niche appeared to be hand jobs, and those magic hands could do it all. There was one technique in particular that piqued my interest.

57:08And if hand jobs were an Olympic sport, I'd compare it to the 100-meter sprint, an event that she excelled in. She takes her marks, establishes a good grip, and goes like the fucking clappers until the lucky bastard explodes. Definitely want to try with a wife sometime, he says. From your own experience, though, is it something that you're just not that bothered about? Or, like fingering, is it something that you'd love to make a comeback? And what do you think makes a good one? He's kindly included his thoughts below. Eye contact is a must. Always lube up. Or just get her to hawk to her and spit on that thing.

57:53Focus on the tip, either with the fingers, nails, or the hands. Testicle tickling. Oh. Even a bit of gooch tickling. This is important. Vary the grip between light and tight. Never underestimate a twist.

58:20He's Bobondo, isn't he? Never underestimate a twist. He's absolutely Bobondo. He's Bobondo.

58:30He's Bobondo. is right the do you know the the rapid thing too much well it's definitely got the looped up or that could be really sure yeah that could hurt that the rapid thing can be see a fine line between a very bad one mmm I think she's got to be really good at it do you know like I've total control in her technique mm-hmm she starts going like a joy pad job willy-nilly yeah double hands if their hands are small hands are small enough we're getting worked up by barbie oh you're big enough double hands i think the thing is what what you really want from a wank is to know that she's more than happy to do it for you she knows she's not really getting much back from it herself commitment yeah if it's just like a oh yeah yeah you're like well don't bother they yeah just do it myself just as long as she's she knows she's doing it just for you i like this educational yeah balticle yeah yeah all game gooch sound yeah finger up your bum i must anyway musty cheers fellas i'm off to watch some more with the magic muffin up the P.S.

59:57I once went out with a world champion female arm wrestler back in my youth. You'd think she'd be good at hand jobs. She wasn't. It's lucky she didn't fucking pull it off. Yeah. Over the top. So that'd be a good technique, wouldn't it? Again, you want soft hands. Yeah. You don't want to be wanked off by a bricklayer. No. No. I'm not letting you top touch me tonight. Calluses. With them lads. Badiness. but no thanks for your email sir by the way housekeeping for live shows please Chris yes we've got Stoke coming up very very soon there's a few tickets for that Reading yes entertainment with Andy Robbins and to finish off we've got Newcastle and then Cardiff which less than 10 tickets left for Newcastle lovely still a few left yet for Cardiff but i'm uh can we just say a massive thank you to cruis as well by the way he did messages and he appreciates you getting in touch and wearing them but he wants me and chris to represent the brand he thinks yeah you're a better fit for joan yeah but they're spot on i'm not gonna go and get mine but beauties so that's that's one pair that have got sent yeah I don't think there's no discount codes around is there but they are a very very good trainer they are comfortable yeah much obliged with anything apart from grey tracky bottoms I think if you go on this male things worn on our profile I'm there just sat there on picture number one these?

1:01:38mhm just not even on a hanger my Saturday Chinese is on here I think how much for the pizza socks here? I'll chuck the socks in and I'll They're hot dogs, actually. Maybe tacos. Let's start getting some new pair of shorts. Just shitting, aren't they? Donny's. I'll think about the mark-up. Yes. No point fucking sending the underarmers, isn't it? You can send a pair of Lonsdale or Donny's. Yeah, get Costco, buy in bulk, and you can get some mini eggs while you're there. Tell you what, Will, I will wear the same vest for three days on my stag do if I get a good enough offer. Not take it off. But I think you need to do it for, I think you need to wear it, pictures in it, and then this is match worn for three days in a row and then stick it on.

1:02:26Reserve price, 50 quid. Whoa. You think more? I'm not selling myself short, Chrissy. Right. Up the gosh. Next week.

1:02:42Hey, hey. It's the Friday Club. The weekend's here, get in that pub. It's Friday Club. Bing, bang, bros. With all of your favorites from under the cuss. So if you want to share a story or relive a form of glory. Fart of the week or clapping them cheeks. Maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank. It's all here on the Friday Club.

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