In short
The “Friday Club” discusses obsession and dating/relationship dilemmas, then pivots into a long run of explicit, comedic “desert island” sex hypotheticals (human vs goat anatomy), plus listener stories about flirting, cheating temptations, weight loss, and embarrassing mishaps.
Guests/backgrounds
No clear named guests appear in the transcript; it’s a group of male hosts/regulars trading stories and banter (mentions like “Dom,” “Chris,” “Dave,” “John,” “Colin,” and “Sam,” but not as formal guests).
Key claims
A married man receiving flirty DMs from a single mum may be “head turned” and should have a conversation rather than immediately having an affair; attention can expose relationship dissatisfaction. Another story claims a “kosher” tip helped solve a white dressing-gown feces stain by swapping robes.
Notable examples
A man considers going to have sex with the DM woman “half an hour away.” A hotel mishap: wiping with a soiled white dressing gown and swapping it with a son’s robe. A stag/club tale: “Ugly duckling” Colin gets a nosebleed and ends up with blood and a costume mishap.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOFriday Club Discussion Begins
1:34 to 3:00
The hosts dive into a fun and absurd discussion about hypothetical scenarios on a desert island.
Choosing a Desert Island Companion
3:00 to 4:42
The hosts debate whether they'd prefer a human with the bottom half of a goat or a goat with the top half of a woman.
“Do you know that the, again, I'm assuming it's similar with a goat, but the vagina of a sheep is the closest of any animal to a human vagina.”
Marital Relationships and Attention
4:42 to 6:00
A listener shares a dilemma about receiving attention from a single mother while being married.
“That's facts that I'm bringing to the table.”
Discussion of Flirting and Temptation
6:00 to 8:00
The hosts discuss the implications of flirting and the emotional aspects of relationships.
“Can we not use David A's analogy, please?”
Evaluating Relationship Dynamics
8:00 to 9:30
The hosts analyze the listener's relationship and discuss the need for communication in troubled marriages.
“Oh, I've just had a quick skim through this, lads.”
Navigating Relationship Dilemmas
14:00 to 18:06
The hosts discuss the complexities of relationships and infidelity.
“By the way, I'm just going to go around to hers.”
Listener's Tale of Holiday Misadventures
18:06 to 19:16
A listener shares a humorous story about a holiday mishap involving a dressing gown.
“That's not a nice place to be in and probably not great for the kids either.”
Preparing for Intimacy
19:16 to 21:48
The listener recounts his preparations for an intimate moment during his holiday.
“Is it him with a t-shirt tat there in Turkey?”
The Dressing Gown Disaster
21:48 to 26:06
A comedic recounting of an unfortunate incident involving a soiled dressing gown.
“So, a game on your phone, you know, like, play while you're batching.”
Reflections on Theft and Misbehavior
26:06 to 28:00
Hosts share anecdotes about mischief and stealing from hotels.
“I also enjoyed walking to the hot tub the next day like Hugh Hefner in my sparkling Daz White stolen dressing gown.”
Show all 25 chapters
Hotel Amenities and Lighthearted Theft
28:00 to 29:10
The hosts share humorous anecdotes about hotel amenities and the peculiarities of hotel cleaners.
Anecdotes of Colin and the Cardiff Nights
29:10 to 30:48
A storytelling session about nights out with friends, particularly focusing on a character named Colin.
“It doesn't affect me, but not sure if the person in question listens to the podcast.”
The Night of the Cave Women
30:48 to 34:26
The hosts recount a wild night out at a club featuring a memorable encounter with Colin and some unusual events.
“It was worth interrupting us for though.”
Colin's Dramatic Entrance
34:26 to 35:48
Colin makes a surprising and bloody appearance after going missing during a chaotic night out.
“One tit Hanging out of her costume Dirt all up her legs It's going to smell The other way it's going to smell Why the bins man?”
Reflections on Colin's Night
35:48 to 36:48
The hosts reflect on the events of the night involving Colin and a humorous exchange with a character named Heather.
“The podcast is the highlight of the week.”
Health and Weight Conversations
36:48 to 42:00
The hosts engage in a candid discussion about weight, health, and personal preferences in relationships.
“have you ever seen the video where there were two people shagging at me and I'm in Barnsley and somebody's going up and dunked David Attenborough here we have the fat apotamus have you ever seen that?”
Wedding Suit Fitting Woes
42:00 to 45:30
A humorous discussion about expectations versus reality in suit tailoring.
“You were aware that you were going to be doing that at the start, but you're getting the reward that you wanted.”
Fashion Updates and Summer Wardrobe
45:30 to 49:50
The hosts share insights on each other's new summer wardrobes, including fashion choices.
“So if I can lose another maybe three or four pound, the 38s will be sound.”
Personal Grooming Adventures
49:50 to 52:40
An entertaining exchange about personal grooming experiences, specifically hair removal.
“You know the brown suede ones with the little tassels on front?”
Inspiring Recovery Messages
52:40 to 56:00
A touching story about a friend's support for a football player recovering from injury.
“Every time I got a fag under my flip-flop.”
Hugo Eketike's Comeback and Perception
56:00 to 57:10
The hosts discuss the story of Hugo Eketike and the perception of his journey.
“As if Hugo Eketike was sat there waiting for a message from a bloke from Newcastle who once had to wear a moon boot.”
Humorous Anecdotes and Relatable Stories
57:10 to 58:40
The conversation turns to humorous anecdotes involving awkward personal experiences.
“because you fix your wifi you've planted some seeds and they've grown into big flowers hi Mr.”
Illustrious Solo Career Gone Wrong
58:40 to 1:00:52
A host shares a humorous story about an embarrassing incident from their youth.
“But you're going to have to do something with his voice because he obviously needs to be anonymous.”
Awkward Moments and Family Dynamics
1:00:52 to 1:03:12
The hosts navigate the awkwardness of family interactions during embarrassing situations.
“five words that brought my glorious career to a sudden and stumbling halt.”
Live Action and Position Discussions
1:03:12 to 1:04:24
The discussion shifts towards humorous takes on physical positions and their implications.
“I think we need to do more of that You know, the live action Positions I did like the way you got your arms and then Pulled you in?”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Focus features in Blumhouse present obsession. When I have a crush on a guy, no one knows. Be careful. I wish Nikki loved me more than anyone in the entire world. Who you wish for. Obsession is 96 % fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. I love you so, so, so, so much. It's blood-soaked nightmare fuel. What kind of sponge you put on her? You have been warned. Obsession, rated R, under 17, on a minute without parent. Only in theaters May 15th, with special engagements in Dolby. Have no fear. Chosen Foods is here to defend your favorite foods from the forces of seedy oils and sketchy ingredients. With cooking oils, salad dressings, and mayo, all powered by the good fats from 100 % pure avocado oil and simple, delicious ingredients.
0:44Chosen Foods. Some follow the noise. Bloomberg follows the money. Whether it's the funds fueling AI or crypto's trillion-dollar swings, there's a money side to every story. Get the money side of the story. Subscribe now at Bloomberg.com.
1:27The Friday Club
1:33It's all down the Friday Club.
2:01the book go on so you you're deserted on this desert island but you can have a female with you you're a load of female but one half of us got to be a goat so it's either the top half or the bottom half that is a fun unbelievable definitely top half yeah magic she can't talk then can she yeah fucking dick I've got a talking goat yeah yeah is that is that what if it's a the top half it's the goat speaking noises she's got top half hooves goat face but you can have sex with her normally but you can have sex with a a human fanny if it's top half you're having sex with a goat fanny I'm going top half top half goat normal fanny top half goat yeah which do I think I'm going I think I'm going top half lady top half lady but you're shagging a goat but either way you're shagging a goat I know but you're shagging you're actually entering a fanny I'm quite I'm happy you're quite happy to enter the goat I'm comfortable with that if I'm looking at a lady yeah but she's gonna be bent over isn't she if her bottom half's a goat you're only gonna going to see it back of her head or is she twisted around what do you mean well the bottom half's a goat yeah so it's obviously going to be the back end of a goat in it yeah so you're shagging the goat from behind so goats obviously face forward strictly missionary i can't go top off top off goat you can't i can't i know yeah i was thinking about i know like you can you can block the bottom half out and you're with a female there's no way of blocking the top half out you're going tens at a dozen and all you can hear is meh, meh so obviously the top half the woman can talk can't you you can have a conversation with her for a day which is the most important thing I feel you can engage in conversation throughout your time on this desert island and an extra pair of good hands, human hands yes to help to cook and stuff.
4:20Oh, fucking hell. Chris, hey, yeah. Now I'm going bottom half, woman. I'm not bothered about entering a goat. Do you know that the, again, I'm assuming it's similar with a goat, but the vagina of a sheep is the closest of any animal to a human vagina. That's facts that I'm bringing to the table. Bottom half, girl. I'm not interested in entering a go. I can talk to myself. But you could wank. It's not all about the sex. Yeah. Basically, you've just got a female fanny. Yeah, that's enough for me. And you wouldn't want to speak and... Nope. You animal. So I'm going bottom half woman, top half goet.
5:11And then are we both top half woman? I think so, yeah. I'm top half woman. I can block that out. I think I can't. It's going to smell, innit? No, because she'll go in to sea and wash it and that because she's female upstairs. No, them goat shit. No, yours will smell because she'll not be arsed. Goat's not bothered about what it smells like. Well, I'll get goat to wash. What about this as well? She's got bottom half and you're like, I fancy a bit of sexy time. You've got to catch her because she's got a goat head, a goat brain, so she's ran off. I just touch on them goat pellets that they like to entice her in.
5:47Here's one for you then. You're on a desert island. You can only take, what did David A call them? Ugly Duckling Syndrome. Would you either take an Ugly Duckling, or would you rather take a 9, 10 out of 10, personality 0? Can we not use David A's analogy, please? Can we just say, would you rather take a... No, he didn't invent the Ugly Duckling Syndrome. I know, I know, but can we just say, in your opinion, would you take a four that you really get on with or a ten a double dish water yeah I'd take to be honest come on Dave four we crack yeah yeah four we crack yeah what are you doing
6:42yeah ten have you are you doing an audiobook? Sorry, Dom. Have you done it? No. They heard you reading emails. Oh, fucking hell. Jesus fucking stuttering hell. Have you heard the fellow that did his first audiobook? Acknowledgements by John Parkin, July 2018. That's my impression of a Yorkshireman, innit? There's a few, so here goes. Thanks to the following. I've done Darren James for their constant support. I wouldn't have been able to do it without them, and they have had to put up with a lot of shit over the years. For my son, Oliver, who... By the way, it might be the same gadget. Won't be reading this any time soon.
7:28How much did Sean Bean cost you? Good big logo home, lads, innit? Get Beanie in. Get me in the tropical paradise that is Barnsley. By the way, genuinely, that is the first time I've ever heard that. Really? I've never heard that. Where have you got that from? You got it sent over from Winterfell.
7:54It's a good lad, that Jon Snow.
7:59Could you have done it yourself? No, because I can't read really. Imagine what I'm like with emails. Imagine me trying to read my own book. Yeah. Oh, I've just had a quick skim through this, lads. We've got a dilemma on our hands here. Jesus wept by the way I keep looking at my phone because York playing Rochdale at this precise moment so that's why I'm looking at my phone I'm checking on the results I wanted to watch it but some wanker wanted to go for a park run some fucking arsehole wanted to go to the gym so we couldn't start early this morning possibly a cautious court morning gents extreme anonymity please I'm in a bit of a pickle and need some help guidance possibly one for the cautious court I'll say that I'm married with kids not because you are I'm not but now this is no excuse for what's about to come up but I think a very common theme where it's a marriage for the kids only plus mortgage etc stuff which we have spoke about a lot in the past recently I've started to take a bit more care of myself better eating, running, gym, etc.
9:15and posted some on social media to help give accountability and also seems to be helping similar dads wanting to be a bit healthier so win-win there. Anyway I had a first. Someone slid into me DMs. A single mum, very innocent to start, said my honesty had inspired her to get back into a healthier lifestyle again. This little fat lad seems to be helping people i'll take it flash forward a couple of weeks i'm getting a few more messages she's been genuinely really nice to me supporting positive etc and let's be honest lads a nice feeling i'm not i'm not really used to the conversations start to get a little bit flirty dot dot dot dot dot dot it is um you know even though you know no interest it's quite flattering isn't it when you get if you get a bit of attention so down at Redding you were like she's just sat on my knee I am the boy oh I forgot about that yeah yeah it feels nice don't it yeah even if you have no intention of doing anything it works always well you'd rather that than get no attention at all yeah oh look at that little gremlin there I wanted to with a fish.
10:32Goblin it was. Goblin, sorry. Let's get your insults right. The question came where I was asked if I was taken, single, etc. Followed up by, sorry, I know I should have said I probably got a little bit carried away. She said it was fine, not looking to steal me away. But then the flirting got a bit stronger. the fact I was five cans in didn't help the situation oh dear dear dear things escalated a little bit and I've been told as a reward at the end of my fitness challenge I can go to hers and do anything I want what fucking hell they've escalated alright Jesus are you a keen gardener your fans are going around and pruning a bug he's gone from apologising for getting carried away going around and smashing I hate that guy Oh, you said it though, didn't you?
11:27You said it. Do you want to finish the sentence? Back door's in. Every time I say something like that, I think of Richard Keyes. Blowing her legs off. Did you smash it?
11:40Yeah. I'm going to do anything I want with very explicit instructions given for what she wants to do to me and what she would like me to do to her. I mean, bad form on her part, really. I hope. She's single. As luck would have it, we only live half an hour away from each other. What are the chances? Yeah, because it was just an Instagram page. Yeah, so it could have been anywhere. Now, it turns out it's a match made in heaven. I'm not naive nor stupid. I know this is wrong, but I'm asking you three honestly. What would you do?
12:17I'll go back to the very start. I will say that I'm married. Not that it's an excuse, but I think a very common theme where it's a marriage for the kids only plus marriage etc and he started taking care of himself and he's got some attention i think what it's done is highlighted where he is in his relationship it's it's brought it to an end it's rakely rate the emotional calls it's brought it to he's maybe got more of an understanding now of where his relationship is than ever because he's got a bit of attention. Yeah, and I can guarantee ish that his missus hasn't even commented on how well he looks, how good he's looking for training.
13:03Meanwhile, in the DMs, he's getting a little bit of love. He's flattered. He's had his head turned and then he's going home and he's walking around with his top off and his missus isn't even looking at him. Doesn't give him a second look. I think it's natural normal for his head get turned. If that's outrageous, then so be it. There's a lot of surmising in that though, isn't there? Yeah, there is. Surmising that she's not said that he looks good. But is this an opportunity, because it's put a spotlight on where his relationship is, to talk about it and fix his relationship? Because it sounds like, again, surmising that they've just been going through the motions.
13:46well I think they're only married they're only together for the kids and money is a pretty telltale sign that but on both parts yeah if he's thinking that then she she knows that as well but then the best place to be is just to talk about that whole situation whether they have or they haven't we don't know that information but now he's had his head turned a bit to say listen where are we he knows he can get a bit money you know what's what's happening because if not then I'm going to go and smash this bird who I've been into no no we can you know obviously be there for the kids but we should I'm I'm looking for more in a relationship and we should maybe look at living our lives differently that's the best way to go about it yeah so do you think you should go around and have sex with you erm not without having the conversation you've had you've just said Not without telling her.
14:47By the way, I'm just going to go around to hers. She's only half an hour away. I think he's got to... You can't have that conversation. He's married, isn't he? He's got to have the conversation. They're unhappy. Keep her there. It depends. Do you know what? He might have found somebody that he really likes. But having that conversation with his missus might reignite, give her a kick up the arse to say, do you know what? I haven't been giving you the attention. As I've probably not been giving you the attention, shall we work together to sort it out? Yeah. If that's doable, then it's advisable, I reckon.
15:26That's the first point of calling. I'll tell you what the kicker is, what the really tough thing is for him. It'll be like, you know, if she's messaged him saying that she wants him to do stuff that he's never done before. Obviously, he's been with his missus for a long time, never done before, really fancies doing Mrs. Wayne entertain it and there'll be pictures getting sent back and forth
15:58the easiest thing to do would be to go and have sex with her have an affair and not say anything and carry on as if but then that's never I'm not saying that I didn't say that's the right thing to do but it's the easiest one isn't it yeah It is the easiest one. And that's probably the thing. Probably the most pleasurable. It's a lot of pleasurable way to go about it. For everybody. That's the approach you'd take. Not for, I'm just talking about ease. You always take the easiest route. I can't be asked for the hassle of kicking off. I'll just go and shag her. It's easier, isn't it? It's going to be a terrible conversation.
16:35I've been there in 45, love. I need to put some petrol in. I've been thinking about having an art to help me with my wife, but I have too much hassle. I'll be around in 10, love. can they be me halfway
16:51yeah I know under no circumstances can you go and have sex with you until you know exactly what's happening in my little bed yeah and the grass isn't always greener no there's going to be a lot of shit coming your way with kids is he taking on what we say as in what his next step is going to be you can't take it by no means should anybody ever take our advice. Like a proper disclaimer, innit? Imagine that when it comes to the future. Slister's letter. Well, to be fair, the lads on the undercosh said go around and fuck her. Jabba said he could not be arsed to tell his missus, so. Judge. Yeah, fair enough.
17:32She keeps 80 % of everything. Oh, fuck me. Do you know what? This will be a common thing. Yeah. It'll be a common occurrence, I reckon. Yeah. but it might be what's needed to like we said reignite and like you said grass isn't always greener he might just go around take the easy option and you know she might she might be offering him things that he don't get but she might also be a dickhead his wife finds out she leaves him he's in a worse position he's left with nothing not seeing the kids he's in a worse position than an amicable split up innit yeah all for a finger up the bum if there's nothing if there's nothing left in the marriage yeah he's got to take a pun because he's got to be happy at the end of the day it sounds like I mean that's it isn't it they're only together for the kids and for the money mortgage situation so put yourself first sometimes it's not a nice place to be and I imagine that but then it is isn't it because he's getting attention he feels a million dollars no but I'm on about the situation where you're basically just plodding through life because of the kids and the mortgage and all that sort of stuff.
18:43That's not a... It's not a happy place, is it? No. That's not a nice place to be in and probably not great for the kids either. Yeah. No, you can still be a good dad. Yeah, you can still be. You can still earn money and you can still be on good terms with your ex-partner. Now you've got your mojo but you can slip into other people's DMs, can't you? Oh. Can I go in? Yeah. unknown kosher saved my skin morning lads quick tale about how my bacon was saved by an unknown kosher and how your podcast is helping the listeners i emailed a while back about a t-shirt tan issue prior to a holiday pleased to say things are still going strong and i am the happiest i've been in years things have progressed to the point of a recent holiday with her kids and this is where the incident took place.
19:37Can you remember the email? Yeah. Is it him with a t-shirt tat there in Turkey? No, yeah, but were he going on holiday and he were really white? Yeah. And he wanted to know everything. He watched Sunbed and all that before he went. Yeah. And did he send a picture of a previous holiday when he... Yeah, the t-shirt tat. He looked outrageously white, yeah. I think that might be it. So, obviously, things have progressed from there and he's going on his first holiday with kids. So it's gone well. Yeah. Sometimes his advice does work. Exactly. Yeah. On the holiday, it was strongly hinted that I was in for some action one afternoon and that it was going to be X-rated fun at bedtime.
20:17So he's dropped a few hints. He's getting excited on the sunbeds. I love this as I had all afternoon to look forward to it and enjoyed the thought and anticipation of what was coming my way. It also gave me some time to prepare so I was match fit and ready for the session upcoming. That's when I struggle. As soon as I've had the... This is what's happening. You want it now? I'm leaving the pool. Leaving the pool, yeah. Leave the kids with some of the parents. I want it. I want it all. I want it all. I want it all. And I want it now. As part of the preparation, I thought I'd go and have a good clear out and clean up in case a stray finger was inserted up my trumpet, as this has happened previously.
21:09I don't mind it, and after a hesitant start to a finger up my bum, I quite like it. See, you just opened your eyes to it. It was him that gave the advice. Fur is fur, and ultimately, what is good for the goose is good for the gander, and all that. Now, the hotel had a hot tub, which I was enjoying when I got the tummy feeling that it was time to batch. I hopped out, threw on my white dressing gown, which was provided, and made my way to the room. Once there, I grabbed my phone for a game of... Drop number? Do you know that one, John? No. So, a game on your phone, you know, like, play while you're batching.
21:55So I grabbed my phone for a game of drop number while I was dumping, hitched up my dressing gown, which was a mistake in brackets, and sat on the throne. Several minutes later, I had what can only be described as a good shit in inverted commas. Full clear out with a near-perfect clean break. Ideal given the importance of the preparations for that evening, should a digit wish to be inserted. He's really bought into it, hasn't he? Well, you have to give it a good praise up. Pleased with the results, and after the obligatory check of what was in the toilet, I grabbed some toilet paper and went about what was meant to be a minimal clean-up, but I was instead made to pay for the hitching up of the dressing gown rather than removing it.
22:48As I stood up, hovering over the bog to wipe, The dressing gown dropped at the worst possible moment from around my waist, just as I went in my crack with the bog paper. So just as he's got it, it's dropped. Basically packing it up, innit? He's basically wiped his arse with his dressing gown. Yeah. The end result was I wiped my arse with my dressing gown rather than the paper, which remained as new. On inspection, I had a small but noticeable skid mark on my hot tub dressing gown and virtually no means to clean the damage and save face. Stuck in this horror situation of a shit marked white hot tub dressing gown.
23:34Rather than panic, I simply dug in to find a solution. Scrubbing in the sink came to mind, but never a viable option. I suspected this would simply dilute the skid mark into a brown patch making the problem worse not better it just spreads it out it's not as dark a colour but you still know what it is and it's just bigger and more what about that technique I went for before with the coffee the dab tissue, cold water, dab and it almost sucks the coffee in I don't know if it's worked with feces I had this exact situation when over Easter on a Airbnb white towel on the dry left a bit of a mark. I just got it in the sink and give it a...
24:25So you've not really washed your arse right at all, have you? I have, but I thought I had, but maybe it went in a bit when I was dry. I don't know. Did you go hot or cold water? Cold. No, but surely when you get out of a bath or a shower, there should be no debris. Surely you've got to have a good... Obviously I haven't done it good enough So you had washed your arse right? No I had, I had washed your arse You obviously haven't No, listen, I did wash my bottom But obviously I didn't do a good enough job Right, fair enough And I've gone for the Oh no, I got back in the shower Made sure I'd done a proper job But I was still stuck with the situation I don't believe you got back in the shower But anyway, we digress Yes I don't know how and I don't know why but I remembered the kosher who had had sex with his missus at a family party and left a skid mark on the sofa and how he dumped a naked kid on to carry the blame.
25:19I remember it well. Genius. Yep. This is the sort of genius thinking required and bingo, I had my solution. I nipped out of the bog and swapped my dressing gown with her sons. Just give it one of them on your fucker, do her. The crime took seconds. A simple case of opening the door, taking the clean gown from the hook and replacing it with my soiled example. Problem solved and all back to normal. I don't know if it was noticed at any point or if a discussion may have taken place with me out of earshot to save the embarrassment, but I heard nothing more of it and enjoyed the rest of my day and night.
26:06I also enjoyed walking to the hot tub the next day like Hugh Hefner in my sparkling Daz White stolen dressing gown. I would like to say thanks to the kosher who shared his story and how he inspired me at this time of crisis. I would also like to thank you guys for allowing these pioneers to share knowledge with others and essentially make the world a better place. Anonymous, please. Up the kosh. I feel sorry for the son yeah I do feel sorry he's walking in like Hugh Heff whatever he's called as well not really like oblivious with the shit mark but yeah funny so has he actually tried cleaning it up or has he just left the full shit mark no he's just gone full shit mark oh that's bad bad bad bad who are you man I know yeah but his mum's not going to be mad with him is she sometimes you've got look after yourself look after number one exactly see I'm probably going just like getting rid of the garment the robe and just say oh fucking forgot it somewhere I mean the cleaners always have them in the on me eye, in you don't they I'll tell you exactly what I'm doing, I'm going with a heavy scrub and then I'm just chucking it in the bathroom corner, hoping cleaners take it and replenish with a new one I did get I got caught stealing from so What, from a hotel?
27:35You know, you've just been about, the cleaner's always got like the towels and all that sort of stuff. We're only milk. I didn't even need any milk. We've not even been to a room. When I'm little. Yeah. So I didn't know if we got enough milk in this room before we checked in or not. Just an opportune moment. I want to nick some of this milk. So I've just got my hand in the thing and the cleaner came out of the room. you know like I need some more milk is that okay I didn't even know we might have had enough milk I just wanted to nick some on the way past so I would big grabber you know the little plastic shitty things yeah just grab the ampoule I'd have gone shower gel if there was any so I got caught stealing effectively yeah but it's just just like nicking some if you're an hotel cleaner you must you must never need shampoo or body wash, milk, coffee, tea bags, dressing gown slippers maybe if you're looking at a high end one.
28:38Oh no. You've seen some stuff, haven't you? Rochdale, 90 plus 6, 1-0. No way. Oh no. 90 plus 5. No end or is it? It hasn't come up yet. No way, man. Sorry, Chrissie. It's okay. 107 points.
29:08Captain Caveman's Nosebleed. Have you read this one? No. All right, gents. Save the blads. You're funnier than Nevin Keane. Then? Nevin Keane. What's Nevin Keane? Gary Neville and Roy Keane, maybe? Oh, Nevin... I thought it was one... It's not that ale and paste. Paste. If you don't mind, keep me anonymous. It doesn't affect me, but not sure if the person in question listens to the podcast. He's happily married with kids and I doubt they'd want to hear this. Going back to early 2000s and having the ability to drink Friday, Saturday and Sunday and play two games of football in that space of time, the golden years.
29:57This was all before WhatsApp groups. I used to work away Monday to Friday so my contact with mates would be limited Friday would come and I could guarantee that by 11 o 'clock I'd have the message diff in brackets Cardiff been very good friends for years and he honestly wouldn't mind me saying he is one ugly fucker I mean he might accept it but would he mind you not saying it? he might not cause an argument but I don't really think he wants you to He's not done there, so I hope he doesn't listen to this podcast. Awful teeth, chubby, and bright ginger hair. Oh, you're safe. But what he lacks in looks is made up in personality.
30:40Ah, he's singing, isn't he? Right on the theme. Duckling. By far one of the funniest people I've ever met and would do absolutely anything for shits and giggles. An ugly little ginger duckling. So our night out in the diff is on. myself Colin and a few others head to a local that's dirt cheap for drinks for a few before heading into the city who's the last Colin you met I've got an uncle Colin yeah there was a Colin in my school what in your year yeah he's married to my first girlfriend the one in my garden who were on a leaf calling the caterpillar I had a cake you no can't remember last Colin I met.
Read the full transcript
31:26No. It was worth interrupting us for though. Fucking asshole, isn't it? Myself, Colin and a few others head to a local that is dirt cheap for drinks for a few before heading to the city. A jug of shitty lager each and a jug of Jägermeister between us all gets us well on the way. Into the city we go with our usual favourite places to go but this night we tried a new club. As we get inside The first thing that all of us notice is a group of about 30 girls dressed as cave women Back of the net Cave women? Majority of these are 5 to 8 out of 10 That's a good fucking ratio That's a hell of a ratio But there's one who can only be considered as a 3 max Oh the ugly dumpling Bless that I feel sorry for already man Oh my god York No chance 90 plus 13 there must have been a pitch invasion you know in Rochdale think they've done it bloody hell go on there boys is that worth interrupting you for yeah yeah I'll give you that but he has gone on to say and you'd have to have a guide dog to give her a three oh come on bless her come on think Heather Trot off EastEnders oh I don't know who that is oh the night goes on and we're all in a shape except Colin who cannot be found anywhere in the club.
32:56No answer on his phone and no one has a clue where he is. Thinking he's had enough, we head out to get some food. As we leave and stumble towards the back lane of the club, we try to ring Colin again. And from the darkness, we hear that god-awful old-school Nokia ringtone. One of us shouts, Colin, are you there? We hear the rustling of bin bags and out of the shadows appears Colin. Before you carry on, can you remember the Nokia ringtone? I think I'll always remember it down to Dom Jolly. Yeah. Yeah. What was the programme? Trigger Happy TV. That wasn't worth interrupting us for. No. I wonder what Colin's doing.
33:46With bits of rubbish stuck to his legs. As he gets closer, we can see his face. From his nose down to his chin, is covered in blood. No. No. I thought he was rummaging. I thought he was a really younger caterpillar. What the fuck's happened to you? Us thinking he'd had a hiding. I pulled Captain Caveman, he replies. As he says this, we hear the bin bags start to rustle again. He's left her in there Bam Bam's in the bags And sure enough Out comes Heather Trot
34:26One tit Hanging out of her costume
34:32Dirt all up her legs
34:39It's going to smell The other way it's going to smell Why the bins man? The other way it's going to smell you better check your face pal he wipes his hand over his face and sees the blood you dirty bitch you can't say that he's got it on earth he's got chated on Heather you dirty bitch you're on the fucking blob to which she replies you've had a fucking nosebleed you fat cunt
35:10right back at you Colin at that
35:30words to the end of my days i will never forget i don't think i will she wobbled off and we all get some well-needed grub and colin some water and napkins to clean himself up. I've got plenty more stories about Colin for the future. Good that I'm missing the Cardiff Live show. I would have been a good one. Getting Colin up. Keep up the good work. The podcast is the highlight of the week. Have we shown a period or not? No. He's had a nosebleed of fat cum.
36:07He's just knocked shit out of him. She still thinks he's a fat cum. she's gone ugly duckling ain't she yeah you know what they've both thought right we both want to have sex we're just gonna have to put up with each other yeah both taking one for the team we're both just gonna have to do yeah yeah oh I'd take my hat off to her yeah because he's gone straight in on her and he and she's just right back at you yeah you fat cunt Colin you can find somewhere better than bin bags you know you can walk another two or three minutes better than the bin bags that's all I'll say yeah you're not settling for have you ever seen the have you ever seen the video where there were two people shagging at me and I'm in Barnsley and somebody's going up and dunked David Attenborough here we have the fat apotamus have you ever seen that?
37:08Fuck me. What? A voiceover of it? Or is somebody on camera? Somebody on camera he's behind the nightclub at it. He's called him at it. And he's gone up filming and he says here we have the, something along the lines of here we have the Are they completely oblivious to his presence? Yeah. The fat apotimate or something like that and I'll have to get it. You're going to have to find it. Yeah. But to be fair the guy who who were on top of the bird and or somebody who knows him, because it went a bit viral or whatever, his work found out, he got fucking sacked. No way. No? You're a bouncer. It's probably, I think it's a minute, and he's David Attenborough in for a minute.
37:57And could they hear him? I presume so. Weren't that far away. So they're not oblivious to his presence? Not in the end, I presume, but to start with, I don't think it were a set-up. It weren't a set-up scene.
38:16Can I come to Friday Club for a bit of advice? Not advice, opinion. Is everything all right? Yeah, well, yeah. But you know, I was said in the recent weeks, I'm ready to lose a few pounds, should we say. you fat cunt but Rose is insinuated and she'd always she'd always put my happiness for knowing that I want to lose a few but she's insinuated that she doesn't want me to lose anyway and prefers me a bit more cuddly I get that yeah so what's the advice just opinion I suppose not advice no to be fair I think it'll be quite common that yeah to be fair mate right I've been genuinely serious like you don't look fat I think you look your body wise look sound you know like back in the day when so my cheek your cheeks will be unhealthy it used to look unhealthy beaver-esque yeah but yet your face is not beaver-esque at minute so I would say body wise just but I would like to lose you know when you feel just that little bit what you're thinking like a store half a stone yeah max maybe meet in the middle then just uh just yeah because if you lose half a stone it's not you're not going to be i get it when you can get too skinny like you know if i get too skinny i don't think louise would like it do you know nah like you i don't i don't think you look big nah Nah Tell you what When I used to play I used to gauge I never used to get on the scale I used to gauge it by So I'd sit on the toilet like that Right Yeah And if I could see The top of my leg there I were alright Word and roll Yeah If I could see the top of my leg there I were alright What like your Hip crease Just that That there I'm fucked Can you not Yeah You know what I mean Oh No Oh, fucking hell, you fat bastard.
40:29Did you get that, Matty? Did you get the stage of that, fucker? He's fat cunting me off for all this time. He's wanting a bit of advice from me, and he looks like fucking a young waller. Fucking Chris Waller. You fat twat.
40:51I'm going to struggle, though, at the minute. There's fucking chocolate all over the house from Easter. I can't help myself. Thing is, Chris, we've got this stag do next month and we've got three weeks in America in June. I know. I'm just going to have to put the wick in now. That's what I mean. Put the wick in now. That's exactly what I thought at the start of December. Yeah. So I have been grafting my balance off. It's a sciatica that put me out. I know. We go away in three weeks. What can we do with you in three weeks? I can do it in three weeks. Put my mind to it. There's some jabs in my case.
41:20That's it with them fuckers in. What are you leaning towards? leaning towards your own happiness or Rose's happiness she only dropped I like your cuddly but she'll always be more lean towards my happiness which is be able to see my hips when I'm sat on toilet I think another stone and a half or something
41:49by the way for the first time in a long time on weight there were 17 at the start of me scales when I stood on them all the day it's been unbelievable and what did you start at 22s no I wasn't far I'm not far off I'm about seven six pound I think I were 21 for and I was 17 12 all the day well don't you know when people say that I don't I find it hard to take that compliment because I've done fuck all ever yeah basically I've just you were You were aware of what you were doing at the start, though. Eh? You were aware that you were going to be doing that at the start, but you're getting the reward that you wanted.
42:29Yeah. The end result, sorry. What's the plan going forward? So, if I can get to 17... Probably not because we're going away tomorrow, aren't we? Get to 17 before America. I'm probably going to struggle with that, to be fair. if I'm round about 17.10 for my wedding I'll be sound with that so if I'm like £2 off 9 I'll be sound with that tell you what did disappoint me the other day I'm paying for a suit I'm buying the suit yeah for your wedding is that for the groomsmen as well or no yours is fucking rented
43:11to be fair you'd be surprised whether you're on to Ricky Mark Darcy for a free
43:20doing an episode in his wedding suit so he could get a free
43:28yeah but this box I thought I said so I'm having one made yeah so tailored but it's not what I thought so obviously they put me in a suit jacket and they said right put me another suit jacket so we're going to get the bigger one and take it in. You know, because of me shoulders. My shoulders are quite big. Right, yeah. So they're going to buy the suit and take the suit in. But I thought if you're paying for a suit tailored, it was a full job. They measure your shoulders, measure your back, measure your arm, and actually make the suit jacket from scratch. One piece of cloth. They make the suit jacket from scratch.
44:10Yeah. that's not how it is so they get a bigger jacket and take it in yeah so you're just getting fitted for a suit yeah but I thought I would pay for one did you think they were just rolling out a piece of material yeah I thought jump parking on top and that were all being cut for you yeah that's what I thought I would pay for right you know like back in the day when you used to go and have a suit made for you that's what I thought I would pay for isn't there a word is it bespoke what's bespoke is that when you you get everything yeah and I think that'll cost you more than you're just having it tailored I thought that's what I was going for it's made to fit they'll adjust it to fit you I thought I was going in they're going to measure my shoulders, measure my arms measure from my neck down to where it needed to be and then put their measurements and literally make a template and cut the cloth like a crime scene just go around you with a bit of chalk they do not think that it would you not know must be a nightmare for a might you know not knowing where you are actually gonna be come what I actually said when she was sitting pitting it I says I've lost fucking free stone for this soul fitting she went what does that lost free stone for this bastard so not bad that's what I thought I paid for genuinely for making it for me yeah not changing another suit jacket so have you had to tell them where you envision envision well I think I'll be round about where I am now right touch wood the trousers the trousers were could do we lose you another three or four pound because the trousers the 38s ah half an inch too small so I went to go 40s and braces I think you can get the trousers to pinned as well so they take them in yeah but the 38s literally just were just a little bit tight right so obviously they went to go 40s because they can't take them in that much the trousers they can well I'll tell you what then I've gone to a fucking suit fitter for 30 years but I'll come to your house needle and friend I'm not having the trousers made actually I'm just renting the trousers I'm just having the jacket made ah you're red tip pants so yeah so they can't do that because you only renting them they're not gonna like all of them you know if you were buying them the code they can't expect it to give them a tenner for rental and then go home you've got to pick all stitching out afterwards when you bring them back I'll tell you what I'll tell you what I was paid for I'll tell you what I'll do best man would have said I'll screw up my own suit, don't worry about it.
46:59So if I can lose another maybe three or four pound, the 38s will be sound. Yeah, it's risky. By the way, like 36, when I was playing and that, like when I was half slim, I was 36 way, so I'm only like three inch off when I was playing. Well done, John Boy. Actually, Yeah, I don't like taking that phrase. I'll have done this stuff and needle in my belly every fucking seven days. And play paddle. Yeah. Do you know when I mentioned that the first phase of drastic weight loss was taking your top off in inappropriate places? The next phase, when you start getting a bit of confidence, investing in designer clothing.
47:45Do you know how he always says, I'm not arsed, I'll go to River Island. JP's? Over to you. Oh! He's got a new summer wardrobe, Chris. Has he? Has he? Have you splashed out?
48:05That face says, you bastard. And it's right, isn't it? He does give it the, I'm not bothered. Right, yeah. He's feeling himself a little bit. He's stripping off. He's strutting around. So come on, what have you got? Just some t-shirts. Where from? I don't even know how you pronounce it Arne clothing Arne? Arne but he's bought the chinos Chris in every colour he's got different style of material almost see through t-shirts string hats in every colour yes I'll tell you what I'm doing I'll tell you exactly what's happened our Oliver's bought some of these t-shirts right and he said oh I've got these new t-shirts oh let's have a look because I need some for already so I looked I looked and they were like oh yeah they're nice these can you order me some he's like yeah no bother so basically I bought five t-shirts exactly the same in different colors about three pair of Chino shorts exactly the same three different colors and two three pair two two or three pair of other shorts exactly the same with different colors so a million dollars matching like t-shirt there is shorts and t-shirt sets but I'm not wearing them as sets don't worry I'm not wearing them as sets I'm not a set wanker so I told him I want all this I said can you order in me he says yeah put them on with a basket they're about 540 quid wow I think phase 3 needs to be so his footwear out I think I can see you in a deck shoe now a what?
49:42a deck shoe yeah I don't know what either of them are. Deck shoes. You know what these twats were? You've got some. You know the brown suede ones with the little tassels on front? Oh, I'll never go for them. Don't like them. I've got some older shows that are like intertwined. Yeah, that kind of stuff. I remember them. Wicker baskets. Yeah, belters. I shaved his back this morning. I know he's lost a lot of timber, but there's still a lot of nooks and crannies is there? Nooks and crannies nooks folds it was a tough job did you do it? yeah do you know when somebody was doing a job you should have given me a Matty Hicks shout we could have pulled his back out for you do you know what I was thinking he needed to like bend over
50:41that's what i was gonna say i was gonna say i need you to tighten your skin and just give it one of them that's what i needed that position there needed it more taut because i was trying to get it the love handles do you know when there's somebody doing a job that you they're doing it and you can tell they they didn't want to do it. There were a lot of that. You can quite easily just shave her back smooth, can't you? Yeah. No, digging in. This is the nooks and crannies job. That was the issue. This is on the fucking tight bit. It's basically digging. It's digging the airs out, not shaving them.
51:22You're like, you just go, you're like, you're cutting hair, just go, no, he'd be going,
51:34like I didn't want to be doing it he's right but he's given it's not the most comfortable shape I've ever had I thought you cheeky twat so he's basically like digging in so I'm like oh it was red raw I bet I've got like I've got like there's a dig mark since you've gone from the Baghdad bunches to the seabirds I might have calmed down now but oh I'll tell you what you've done a good job I have done a good job John did you see your definition these were the problem areas there a couple of roundabouts in there yeah yeah that's alright isn't it yeah the bottom could have been doing yeah but his shorts are going to be there no you've done a good job there do you know what that was nice I had my flip flops on I just had loads of his hair in between my toes.
52:30That was nice. I'm not a scant as what I thought I were. I don't like when you've got flip-flops on. When you're on holiday and you go for a wee and you can feel the spittle from the bloke next to you laughing at your feet. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Which must have been all time. Every time I got a fag under my flip-flop. That was sure. So, I have that. Fuck no, we were Tenerife, Magaluf, wherever we were and and I've got a marbly light on and I must have the old flick so I flicked it and then sort of bounced back but it's gone under my toe between my between my toes and my foot and my foot and my foot and my foot and my foot and my foot it was like I don't know how it got in there but it must have been on as I've gone put my foot up and my toes have raised holding my flip-flop on and obviously I've got like clawed to us and that so it's gone under the claw there and I'm like fuck
53:45Right so I heard this story in Irish Bar after the Newcastle live show and I insisted that they send it in and it comes from a good place comes from a really really good place but alright lads after meeting you all on Friday in Newcastle what a night by the way and after you told me to send this in, here goes this is about me mate Sam who a couple of nights before had a few tins in the house on his own watching Liverpool VPSG now Hugo Eketike has done his Achilles and Sam has done his three years ago. Although when he says he did his Achilles, he talks about it like he went down in the Champions League final and made his comeback of all comebacks.
54:41So PSG are on. Hugo comes up on the telly and Sam suddenly gets all emotional. Poor lad that, he says to absolutely nobody because he's in the house on his own. I know exactly what he's going through. Then, in his beer-fuelled wisdom, he decides the right thing to do is to offer some moral support. Straight onto Instagram, finds Hugo Eketiki's verified account. Sits there with four madri in him, one eye shut trying to focus, typing like he's writing a letter from the war. Hey, I tore my Achilles three years ago. I'm now stronger, fitter and faster than I ever was before. Good luck with your recovery.
55:42Respect. I think it's just what Hugo needs to hear. And then he actually sends it. No hesitation, no shame, nothing. Best bit is, he spent the rest of the night checking his phone every five minutes. Waiting for a reply. As if Hugo Eketike was sat there waiting for a message from a bloke from Newcastle who once had to wear a moon boot.
56:11In his head, Hugo was going to reply saying, Thanks mate, exactly what I needed. Fancy coming over and helping me with the rehab? That's a classic, isn't it? Next morning he wakes up hanging. No reply, no scene, no follow back, nothing. Didn't stop him though. By the Friday in Newcastle he was telling the story like him and Hugo Ekotiki had been through rehab together. Still waiting to be back, he said. I honestly think if Hugo comes back next season stronger, fitter and faster than ever, Sam will genuinely believe he played a part. thanks again for fire lads David Bentley by the way wow they were good lads weren't they by the way 3.4 million followers he's got he's got as if he's going to get Sam's fucking DM from Newcastle I'm trying to think of an equivalent like DMing Bill Gates because you fix your wifi you've planted some seeds and they've grown into big flowers hi Mr.
57:19Titchmarsh just to let you know the flowers have gone fucking swimmingly but as I say it's come from a place of love yeah he's seen this thing he's appreciated what he might be about to go through and he just wanted to give a bit of advice imagine in like I don't know four or five years time just go hi Sam just been going through all my messages I'm just getting through them thanks top man sorry mate miss this sorry for late reply so yeah so when I got told the story it just made me chuckle so I thought I want him to send it in and fair play they both did actually they both sent it in and as you said yeah good lads teachers I got my mate to do you remember the lad who got caught wanking off his mum at home on his knees on his knees I got him to just write as a voice note write as a voice note am I right in saying sorry that he can only come to completion on his knees.
58:24Yes. Yes. Always the same position. I remember it well. A bit like you, you can only come to... A platoon tug. You know that scene up front of platoon when he's on his knees. You can only come to completion with your finger up your ass, can't you? But you're going to have to do something with his voice because he obviously needs to be anonymous. Yeah, basically, I just told him to talk us through it. A description of the day. It would be a bad... thing that happened. Let's be honest. Did mum call it? No, I'll press play. Go on. Although I'm semi-retired now, there was a time where I enjoyed what could only be described as an illustrious solo career.
59:09The sort of dominant run reminiscent of Arsenal's Invincibles of 2004. Untouchable, unrivaled, for a long while nobody came close. But as history repeatedly shows, once complacency creeps in, even the greats can stumble. Many moons ago, in my early 20s, I was still living at home in my parents' bungalow and very much in my prime. A daily training session, shall we say, was simply part of the routine. Location was flexible, bedroom, bathroom, adaptability was one of my strengths. However, despite that versatility, there was one constant that never changed. The position. Knees. Non-negotiable. At the time, our family dogs had made a habit of spending the days lounging on my bed.
59:57While not ideal from a hygiene perspective, it had never been enough to derail proceedings. On this particular day, I simply carried on with business as usual. What I had overlooked, however, was my mother's own routine. After finishing work, she would often pause outside and glance through my bedroom window to see the dogs relaxing before coming in through the front door. That afternoon she did exactly what she always did, expecting to see the two dogs basking peacefully on the bed, and she did indeed see the dogs. Unfortunately for both of us, she also saw me at the foot of the bed, facing the window, strategically positioned I might add, purely to prevent the afternoon sun glaring off the screen of my iPad, and no doubt working with considerable enthusiasm.
1:00:40Moments later the front door opened. Within seconds I was on my feet, trousers hastily secured, attempting to regain some semblance of dignity, but it was far too late. From the other side of the door of my bedroom came a quiet, almost compassionate whisper, five words that brought my glorious career to a sudden and stumbling halt. Go to the bathroom, son. The whisper as well.
1:01:10I'd rather just not say oh and just never speak about it again just keep your mouth shut mum please go to the bathroom keep your cock in your pants
1:01:23by the way he ought to be writing for the fucking one of the big national papers he did fantastically the detail getting caught by your mum is the worst in that position though as well yeah because it's not it's not a yeah it's an unorthodox wanking position and if you just lie on your back yeah laptop on chest you're guilty as charged but we all do it you know but on your knees yeah do you want on your knees i've never walked on my knees yeah have you i might try it no i don't think i ever have stood up as he said stood up laid on back that's pretty much me whether that's the same with fellatio as well where he has to receive it on his knees so she's probably a bit Kevin Webster this isn't she on her back slid under the fucking Ford Cortina under its chassis yeah come on your knees here Chris get this in Matty come on your knees do you reckon he's got a trolley on wheels in the house just here Chris You don't need the mic for this So you're on the knees She's just about to suck him off And he goes
1:02:46This is her
1:02:53That'd be tough because Obviously if you're erect Yeah you've got to push it down I thought you were going plums she needs to target the plums no I don't think that's going to work at all John so you're going to have to go this way aren't you yeah which is going to be uncomfortable in itself it's either that or if you want to get on your knees John or or she's going to have to go family for oh there's that saliva on there I'm getting excited it's not comfortable on my knee go on get on my knees but it's all not platoon she's going to have to go yeah
1:03:39in which case he's going to have to be elevated every time he's going to have to be on a table on a bed so that she can get good purchase tell you what by the way that bum would make a stain on the white towel that needs a fucking wash I did have a shower this morning but I've had a couple of I had a couple of sloppy wheeze A couple of dribbles Oh my god That's a smelly body Never need to wash it for the show Right, is there anything else to cover? I think we need to do more of that You know, the live action Positions I did like the way you got your arms and then Pulled you in? Yeah Pulled yourself in Yeah Yeah, it was good.
1:04:29Till next time. Yes. Oh, the gosh.
1:04:37Hey, hey, it's the Friday Club. The weekend's here, get in that pub. It's Friday Club. Bing, bang, bosh. With all of your favourites from under the cuss. So if you want to share a story, you'll relive a form of glory. Futter the wheat or clapping them cheeks. Maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank It's all here on the Friday Club
1:05:03It's all here on the Friday Club
1:05:26this is like one of the most defining summers in probably like a decade all on europe's biggest sport podcast network find your next favorite sport podcast search sports social podcast network and listen wherever you get your podcast sports social podcast network verified comparison at content.sport-social.co.uk forward slash comparison find the biggest voices in sports on the sports social podcast network like libero a podcast about football the most important of the least important things. I'm Rory Smith and twice a week, along with six of the country's leading football journalists, we take you inside the game's biggest stories and discuss the most pressing issues facing the Premier League, the Champions League and pretty much everything else.
1:06:05Join us as the season reaches its conclusion and we prepare for a massive summer of international football. Just search Liberal wherever you get your podcasts.
From the publisher
More chaos down the club this week, discussing goat/human hybrids, desert Islands, nose bleeds by the bins, chunky midriffs and Ekitike's achilles heel.
Get in touch: Fridayclub@undrthecosh.co.uk
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
