Friday Club | Quid and a Cig

31:33Well, he's in outdoors. You've got to make more sure you can, haven't you? He shows Pete a picture of her Facebook profile. Pete then erupts into the loudest laughter I've ever heard in my life. When he finally calms down, he asks one question. What car does a husband drive? You already know the answer, lads. The same Mercedes. There we go. So Cristiano's now walloping Joey Barton's mum? I think he is. Yeah, he is. I think he is. He is. Oh, Lord, won't you buy me? The same seats that had once been full of miserable bastard and Joey Barton had now had Cristiano's man fat and Cameron Diaz's lady spray all over them.

32:21This has gone full circle twice. Champions League overhead kick against Juventus. Absolute perfection. Cristiano finished the job and moved on. He's since married an absolute belter and had his second kid on the way. Happy ending for him too. One last bit. A few years back on bonfire night, Pete's sister bumped into miserable bastard at a party. She was stood in a doorway munching a hot dog and asked if Pete might be interested in getting back together. Pete's sister chucked a full pint over her. Beer, mustard, fried onions, the lot, and screamed, What do you think, you ugly cunt?

33:06he says she's made sure i put that in i'm so happy for pete yeah crouches his comeuppance has come round on it they all seem like good lads and sister yeah yeah anyway lads that's the story long one i know but me and the boys have been seen for years it would make a proper friday club tale hope you enjoyed it well we certainly did christiano everybody followed that it's been written very well yes to set as much detail and different people in it is done well absolute premium cargo with me i can imagine christiano as well you know young ripped but he's a brick here so he's got a bit rougher on the edges I can imagine him doing...

33:53He's laying brick with no shirt on, but a yellow ivy's vest cut off. Like the Coca-Cola advert, you know? Yes. People look at him. Yeah, glistening in the sun. Second tech when the driving part. Ripped jeans and that. Yeah. I might even go for the little shorts. Sometimes wear the shorts. Changing his travel hand, you know, if it keep his tan equal. 30-30. Switch. Four metres, four metres. Yeah, that was a belt of that. What do you think, you ugly cunt? Yeah, I like it. Very, very good. Quick message, gentlemen, from our friends at Salee. Heroes. For you especially, John. We certainly were in America.

34:35Well, Salee, if you don't know, is the eSIM service app brought to you by the creators of NordVPN, which we love, don't we? Obviously, you know I'm not very technical. All you need to do is download the app to your phone, installing eSIM so you can use data abroad instead of getting them horrible, horrible roaming charges. We've all been stung with a hefty bill in the past, haven't we? Yes. Since this early, very affordable. Really good prices. I used it in Dubai and it was very, very affordable. It saves you time as well. You don't need to wait in line. You know, when you get to airport for foreign sims, when they're there with cardboard.

35:12Scrambling for Wi-Fi. Yeah. and it's compatible with iOS or Android devices and it offers plans in over 200 destinations. Download Saley in your app store and use the code COSH at checkout to get an exclusive 15 % off your first purchase. The details are in the podcast episode description box. Can I dip back in here? You can go back in if you want. I don't know if you beat Cush Cush. Hi, lad. One for the bin. 100 % needs to go in the bin when you are driving and you've got to pull in and wait for somebody coming down the road and you're sat there for 30 seconds on your way to work or wherever you're going you're in a happy mood, you're in a good mood and then they go past and don't even recognise that you've pulled in, give you a thank you or put their hand up or flash you they just drive past like absolute arrogant cunts and then all of a sudden you're in a bad mood while you're driving and you're fucking flipping everyone off and oh wow it winds me up and that definitely needs to go in the bin for me these aren't even questionable are they?

36:26no, they're ill sure it's not, even if it's just a raised thumb off the just thumb it, finger up finger up? like, or nod of the head yeah I think I do agree with you right but I'm gonna bat for the other thing here yeah because it was quite recently I've been that one the one that doesn't thingy why and I was just in a world of my own I was just driving and probably thinking about my speech was only once he'd gone that I thought oh fuck me I haven't even I did I just in a world of my own driving and he was obviously there I just would you do like catch him up and give him a bit no no what I thank you just just just so you know me I forgot to say thank you yeah cheers yeah that was really good yeah fucking big nose bass over on the cost I'm arrogant as fuck I let him out and he never even said thank you yeah I did what's a thank you I think oh I wouldn't purposely I'd seen him I wouldn't know I wouldn't have done it but it was only when I thought the fuck's just happened now I was in the world of me on my dad used to be terrible for it me dad went with the the hand up and the lean forward for far too many seconds it go with it to the point where is it like lost concentration oh yeah yeah he's uh he must be horrendous driving me dad i he's seen i you know like 79 when he died right i imagine he's seen thousands of kestrels hovering you know just inside it field but whenever he's seen a castle it was like it what first time I'd ever seen one oh my god he wants took me balls to work to York in car so this is first time so 26 27 years ago and he was still driving when he when he when he died right and again gets in the bar after and they said like we just we're gonna get the train back we're not winning we'd had a not way back.

38:33It was that bad a driver. Horrendous. So the man out and says, oh, we're going to go for a few drinks in York and that. Thanks for fixing this up. He just went, we're not, we can't fucking get back in with him. On A64 doing 70 in third. I'm wondering if this was what we said it. I'm not fucking coming back in that car. You tell him. Stay here. We're going to have to think of something. It was a point where we're like, change gear. Just change gear. I don't think he ever got to fifth in his car. I was speaking to Lodgy, your mate, at breakfast. Yesterday it was, and one about, did he come down, he used to come down to Forest Green.

39:11Yeah. They said he used to come down with your mum and dad. And he said for some reason he'd always sit in between them. I don't know if it was... Stop arguing. But he said, your mum used to just like, have a, not Tourette's, but just a lot of noises, you know, if some decision went against him, or if he was offside, flagged offside. awesome she'd shout shout again to the point and Dave your dad would just lean over and go but just keep it down with you just just keep it down leaning over logic but here's a would just keep going and going in the end he just leaned behind logic and go well you shut the fuck up For God's sake!

39:58I think it got to the point where he did it. Towards the end of my career, I don't think he even sat with her. I think he just sat somewhere else. Like a crack on. There must have been people telling her, like, who's that? Oh, she'd abuse the lads. She'd abuse the lads on my team. And the families would be sat within earshot vicinity. Because all those tickets were in the same area. Bloody hell, Jones. you should have said that classic it is well I've said that on here with Billy Jones you've just reminded us Billy Jones is Nana so it must be a generational thing just say whatever comes into your head going back to that did I ever tell you when I was involved in some heavy road rage with the meathead so with me cousin and he's driving jinky we're no another one and uh there were a bit of roadworks going going on so they put like a chicane in and it was we had to give way and we were chatting away and it was our fault he hadn't given way and there were a car coming over where so he's gone oh so both cars have stopped in the middle and fair enough he reversed back sorry but this guy he He must have been on steroids or something.

41:15He was massive, but his head just went bright red. You know, he'd apologised and everything because of... And gone back. And gone back. This guy was raging. He got out of his car and he was massive. And you know when you can tell someone's shitting himself? Because of him, he was shitting himself. I mean, I were a bit fearful for him as well because this guy is walking over it and he's massive, redhead. and he's just getting close to the car and I can see my cousin's sliding down his seat and as he approaches his car, his Mercedes went past and he hadn't put handbrake on. And next minute, he's running down road trying to catch his car.

41:56He's open door, his legs are dragging. He pulls handbrake on just before it hits the wall and then he stands up. I just remember my cousin giving him a two-bips, thumbs up and fucks off. The thing is, you do realise that he'd have expected you to get involved and have his back like that. Not a chance. You can't just let him get a fucking run in Keaton, can you? He should have given way, shouldn't he? Yeah. You think he'd done you both in? Oh, he were a big piece of kit. I'm all right at playing the pipes of peace. That's one thing I'm... You weren't in fucking Germany, were you? I don't know. If I need to, then I think I could have disarmed the situation.

42:33It sounded like he had gone past that. Well, maybe, yeah. But his Mercedes fucked off anyway, so on our way we're not. How incredible would it have been if it had crashed into a wall? Yeah. His legs were dragging along tarmac as he would try to pull and break up. I've got, I don't get to say this while it's on my brain, but you know what I'm talking about the other week when they were saying people put an empty packet back in that have already been eaten. Yeah. You go in. What Louise does, she'll go to the shop for multiple items and rather than take them out of the bag and put them in individually, she'll put the full bag in the fridge and leave it there what you mean like like yogurt like with it yes so yes so she went olives for the little in diet coke and a few um ready meal things past cold pasta things and she she'll have some of them and put them in back in the carrier bag and put the whole carrier bag back in the whole asda carrier bags in the fridge yeah no yeah in the bed it's not the first time she's done it that's just the height of laziness isn't it well you can't see what's in it convenient and when you want something out of the fridge and you're like oh what's in there and then you go into it oh they might be so good in it and there's a fucking box of olives worst possible thing that could be in there that are rumours and it's still in there it's in my fridge not hers and it'll still be in there next week No, I'm not having that in the bin.

44:01She's lazy. Yeah. Tell her. Hopefully she listens to this. Instead of us. Don't tell us your shit, man. Tell her. Did I tell you about the scampi fries and bacon fries last week? No. So I bought, we went to one of them B &M's and whatever it is. You know, I thought cleaning products and that that she likes. So we went there, I thought, I'll treat myself into some scampi fries and bacon fries, you know, three are each in bag. But fucking kids are, kids are just eating. So I eat them. The big multi-pack. Multi-pack, six. So you're getting three, oh right, three are each. A mix and match in the big bag.

44:41Three are each. So, I've eaten them on top at fridge, right? So, I've had one pack of each, so I've still got two of each left. So, other day, I thought, well, I'll tell you what, I don't want, I'm not going to have any tea, I just found, I have a bag of bacon. and I'll have a bag of scampi. So I went up, put my hand on top of the fridge. No way to be seen. No way to be seen. So I stands on the kitchen side, looks on top. Gone. Gone. So I got all the kids in individually. I said, look into my eyes, look into my eyes. Spanish inquisition. I want to know, have any of you all had my crisps? No, no.

45:21And then Violet, what last? She went, yeah, yeah. My mum had put them in the cupboard. we all rested crisps right and she was there by the way doing both interviews all interviews she was here never said a fucking dicky bird right so it's all right violet went the facts sound fair enough did you put them crisps in with all the no my special crisps did you put it special crisps she went yeah i could see a little bit of green packet and it was triggering me aren't you fucking winding me up or what so you can't blame the kids no I know it's not Malik's fault it's fair game once we're in the cupboard yeah but a little bit aren't you fucking joking so obviously they're all gone so I was in the kitchen the other day obviously we'll go away tomorrow so she's bought a multi-pack of crisps for kids for when we're away a big box fucking this big where is it on top of master fridge sound if she puts it up there.

46:19Well, you're not there to be triggered, are you? Yeah. You know what I mean? She must have been on to a red little bit at Green Packet because I thought I did them well. Fucking unbelievable. Were you hoping that the little one just denied all knowledge? So it would... You could have carried on just going, well, one of them's lying. Yeah. She'd have thrown something under the bus. Little buggers are about to climb up on the side a lot. But you're triggering me. I'm going in, gents. The Bargain Hunter. Now then, gents. Hope we're all well. Long-time listener, first-time caller, so apologise if it's a long one.

46:56I'll save the soppy bits, but we'll say this tale involves two lads from Yorkshire and one from down south. So if Chris wants to stick an accent on, I hope this helps with the voices. Back in 2014, I was in my third year of university and living with two other lads from the uni's rugby league team. One lad was called Rob from Yorkshire. The other lad was called Lee, bloody southerner. And the story takes part on what started as a pretty standard Tuesday evening to begin with. We were all sat round doing nothing when a message went in the group chat. Anyone out tonight? We already had a pretty big team social plan the following night.

47:38So a few of us ruled themselves out early, including myself and Rob. but Lee was pretty game and invited those going out to have pre-drinks at hours. Oh, you don't want pre-drinks when you're not going out, do you? No. In your place. I'll tell you what happened. I'm getting sucked in. Yeah. Rob and I joined in the festivities for a few drinks but wished them on their merry way as the small band of lads headed out into Borough for the night. It's worth noting at this point that Lee is a proper tight bastard. The kind of lad that goes on a night out with zero in his pocket but comes home hammered with a palm oil and£5 in change, usually preying on freshers from the other sports team to buy him drinks.

48:22In the early hours of the morning, we heard a rumble by the front door, followed by Lee's booming voice and a murmur responding. It's also worth adding the layout of the house included Lee's bedroom downstairs by the front door with Rob and I's room being on the second floor landing. out of sight from the front door on the mini hallway. As Lee finally managed to put the key in the door and let himself in, Rob texts me. He's brought someone back. Meet me on the landing, I replied. And we both quietly hid ourselves out of view, but in earshot. We're all doing that, aren't we? It's like when you hear him in an hotel, isn't it?

49:07It's like your next door in an hotel, you always put your cup to it, don't you? Your glass. What about when we stayed in that Airbnb overnight and that couple were having an argument next door? I wish I could have got a photo. There were four of us up the stairs with glasses on wall. Five, because Oscar was here. Yeah, it was a bad one as well. Did you have a phone or something? He caught her cheating. We both quietly hid ourselves out of view, but in earshot of their conversation. Kind of like a crap episode of Sunsea Sex and Suspicious Parents. Now, we couldn't see who Lee had brought home, but we could hear the clip-clop on the cheap laminate floor left us thinking not who, but what.

49:49Has he brought a fucking horse home? We thought to ourselves.

49:57Thinking there's a chance our housemate was trying to get Shurgar into bed with a handful of hay and some sugar cubes, we awkwardly waited on the landing for his three minutes of glory to end. And end it did. As Red Rum took herself back to the stables, we left it a minute or two to make sure she cleared the final hurdle before going down to quiz Lee as to what had just happened. After sheepishly ignoring our question of who the fuck was that, Lee went quiet and asked, Did you bring a prostitute back to our house? After a while, he finally admitted that he panicked when she asked, Are you looking for business?

50:36and couldn't refuse her charming advances. When pressed on how much it had cost him, he replied, well, she asked me how much I had. I told her not much. I've only got a quid and a cig.

50:53Then she said she'd stuck him off for that and followed him home. So Lee managed to get his wine wet for a low price of one great British pound and an L &B ciggy. Turns out she returned to our house about an hour later asking if he wanted anything more, but Lee rejected her this time and asked her to go away. Do you think he managed to wangle himself a bargain David Dickerson would be proud of, or was he just a cheap mucky bastard and needed to say no to the ladies that night? All the best, Hammond. Both. One pound and a fag. Did they say how old he was? Whether at Unis or... Oh, so young? You've got to say 1920, 21.

51:38I think that's... It's an opportunist, isn't it? John, let's... Chris, even. Let's just think about what this thing's going to look like. Yeah, that's exactly the point I was going to make. Who's charging a pound and a fag for a... Like, I'm talking... Fallatial. Like, Skid Row tackle, innit? Yeah. Like, no teeth. Like, smells. One of the street ones. Yeah, do you know, like, dirt on a clue, like probably a skin-tight pair of jeans and a pair of Nike trainers with only one lace. It's a quid though, John. That's what I mean. It's a fucking great deal. You know what I mean? You know you're in HMV and like Chesney Hawks' album, 99p.

52:22You might think, I don't really like Chesney, but it's 99p. Yeah, it's a snip. I'll chuck it on our way home. That's what I mean by both. He has got an outrageously good deal here, hasn't he? Because Lambert and Butler are one of the cheapest fags and all. And he's bummed it off somebody else, hasn't he? That£1.50 and two fags, that. For bumming. Yeah, I can imagine she's fucking horrid. I mean, as well, she knows he's skint, and she's come back... She's come back? And asks if he wants anything else. Yeah. I think what she might have thought there is, I tell you what, I missed an opportunity. I could have Nicked some it.

53:02Yeah, I might have. It's a student house, though. What are you going to Nick? Pot noodle. She might have just wanted a good night's kid. She might have just thought. Or a wesh. Yeah, jump in the shower. Just watch a pom-pom. So, yeah. Bargain hunter. Yeah. But it were a transaction between two gun consenting adults. Mm-hmm. That's a story to be told. Yeah. All right, gents, I'm going in. So he's done well, really, hasn't he? I think so. Yeah, he's done well. Has he done well? If he's ejaculated for a quid and a fag, it's not bad going, is it? He could rather have a wank and... What, with that fag in your mouth?

53:50Oh, I'm going in, lads. All right, gents. Got to keep this anonymous in case any member of staff got in trouble because of the following story. Been listening to the day dot. Probably listening from day dot. Big fan of the show and all that jazz. Story from a few years back, which in my opinion isn't a biggie, but it splits audiences whenever I recite it to people as to whether I should have been locked up or put on a register. Jesus Christ. Friday comes and after a busy week and me and two of the lads in December. Oh, Jesus. You're in holiday mode, aren't you? Yeah. You're going to be struggling on that sunlight when you do your book.

54:33I'll have to get one of them that you read backers. Friday comes, and after a busy week, me and two of the lads decide to go out for an afternoon gallon or two of Peroni in a bar in Hebben. Cocknose might have heard of it. Hebben Bridge, is it? That's kind of on me, right? I think the nose reference. heaven heaven heaven heaven is that newcastle where also not leads where after said gallon or two was swallowed we jumped on the spirits and flushed them down with some yeagers to lift the mood a couple of hours after are all a blur and I can't remember a fucking thing which normally means it was a canny night however the next thing I remember is being walking by the police with my strides down to my ankles in a puddle of my own making oh dear so if that's piss or shit or sick or a bit of all his pants are down we you thinking we or poo i'm thinking we i hope yeah in all honesty the location where i chose to rest my weary bone wasn't ideal but in my defense it was warm he rudely woke me in the common room of the old people's retirement home that was next door to the pub it's still a mystery as to how I managed to get to the second floor of a secure building as I would have needed to use a card or code to get about just going to know old folks Jesus Christ nobody would smell the piss would they it's just normal isn't it could have been in there for months The police took me home to my house where my lass at the time wasn't happy having her friends round for a night in.

56:25Next day, I went round with loads of sweets and treats and to pass on my sincere apologies to the staff and residents for what I'd done the night before because I'm nice like that. Wervers. You've got to go Wervers, haven't you? For the old people. Yeah. Shortbread. Yeah. I was thinking more baked. Yeah, they all like shortbread. Where was original? shortbread and tartan tin. In summary, am I a good person who did a daft thing? Or should the residential home really look into their security system and thank me for highlighting the flaws in their security systems? Up the bastard cosh. I reckon he's at the door blind shitting drunk.

57:10Reg has gone for a walk, midnight walk, not knowing where the fuck he is. He's heard the knocking and the old guy's just open, or girl, woman, he's just open the door and he's walked past and Reggie's just gone, and gone back to bed. Yeah. I think that's how he's probably got in. Yeah. Or window, window open, and he's breached the key card situation just up the stairs. Yeah, maybe, maybe. Would be warm. Yeah, always red hot, aren't they? To what? Yeah, loads of blankets about. Yeah. So he's got to walk up by a policeman. So somebody's funny, man. there like some is funny man thought report this to the police yeah yeah come on mate let not you buy get your pants up it's time for home i've never been that drunk yeah i fell asleep and being sick and that bought reminded i've got a song about um i know he didn't sleep with a granny but i have got a song about sleeping but yeah yeah it's not your is your fault but it's not really your fault is it you ain't no horrendously wrong no probably anywhere and all there's plenty of mops and buckets of that bar isn't there you know and them sort of gaffs i'd probably take some shit sweet old people like shit sweets well then purple ones oh part pama violets yeah palmer like when do you ever no not pima violets the sucky ones oh with a bit of black bit of juice in them Yeah.

58:40Oh, blacker and ligarish. Yeah. I don't like them. I think they're a good sweet. I don't mind them, to be fair. And I'll tell you what else. The orange things with the twists around them. Mm-hmm. What are they called? They're like, so big. Orange with twists around them. Can you remember them? Yeah, like cough sweet. Murray mint. Oh, Murray mint. You can come next week, you. Yeah. I'm sitting here instead of him. Like cough candy sweets. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of menthol. Pear drops. I don't mind a pear drop. Incredible pear drops. A good pear drop needs to be... Pear-shaped. Yeah, I mean, there's shit out there.

59:21Cheap ones, aren't they? Cheap ones. Normally, I like... Where do you get them from these days? Well, you get them from every so often, you'll see an old-school sweet shop. I'll tell you what used to be good. You know, when... I might have spoke about this. Yorkshire Mixtures. There's some shit in there and all, by the way. What's a Yorkshire mixture? Well, you'll have a little bit of rock. Right. Like, a little bit of rock. You'll have a fish. I always used to get the fish when somebody offered me because it was the biggest. It's like a root round for the fish. A real, not a real fish? No, no, no.

59:55Just a sweet in the shape of a fish. It was the biggest, so I've got a root for that one. Umbugs. Umbugs. Old fuckers like them as well. They weren't in Yorkshire mixtures, though, were they? Were they? I think you got one. just to make it's about five or six different things in the yeah and some of them were like oh i hope you don't put them in when it when he's waiting for what you're gonna get no they should obviously put this thing in you know there were two or three out at six was yeah k-li we used to always get off our heads on e-numbers you know just the dust i'll tell you what apparently it was just sugar sugar in a bag yeah like oh yeah yeah people used to eat with licorice i didn't like licorice i just used to lick my finger absolutely off your tits for about three hours afterwards a bad dip wasn't it in maths in afternoon tell you what that's part of the stop selling which is a fucking travesty cigarette sweets have they you know you're nice yeah yeah they've stopped selling them obviously because it's encouraging youngers to smoke.

1:01:00It's a bit of weight now, innit? Well. They're just all on candy vapes instead. The chocolate nib. Choc dip? Yeah, there was different names. It looked a bit like rabbit shit. Yes. Never for me, that one. Very nice. I had some quite recently, I think I said. No, never for me, though, because I'm obviously not chocolate. I'm having hair drops. Cola cubes. Yeah. Always cut your mouth. When you're chewing into them, you always cut your mouth somewhere. Yes. Never had a cola cube. No, I don't think so. No, I don't think so. No, I don't think so. I think there might be an old sweet shop where I live I'll go and get some old school sweets I'll tell you what you can't have too many of sorry I know you're bored of this bonbons if you have one too many what's your favourite colour?

1:01:45pink blue alright Blas I'm Matty what really gets on my tit is a married couple Or a couple that have been together for ages. Going to the gym together. Like, you see each other every day. You don't need to go to the gym together. This is one of our fuckers, this. Go on your own or go with your mates. Don't rock up to the gym together and help each other out on the machines or go into a class. There's just no need for it. It's pathetic. So I'm looking at you, Double P. Oh, Poggy Parkin. Have a word with yourself. and also I heard on the radio that fat jabs could be linked to hair loss so again double P I'm looking at you oggy oggy oggy you up the fucking cash here's one of your pals here's one of your pals you'll fucking text him I swear on my children's life that has nothing to do with me has it not?

1:02:48no he's gone in again you know what's his name? Mickey cheers Mickey he has gone in again I'll just also while I'm here a few top threes for you your top three lagers top three takeaways top three sex positions and top three porn categories oggy oggy oggy up the fucking car I want to like him but I think he's an absolute fucking arsehole what since the gym thing no just in general yeah just in general I think he's a prick podgy parking was hard yeah that's I think that's what that was out of order yeah not necessary er well I can't really say what about the gym thing because obviously I wouldn't have joined I guarantee that if that had come through three four weeks ago you'd have been fuck it yes put it in the bin 100 % 100 % yeah can't really can I er we went to the gym didn't we that you're joining yeah good yeah good set up I think he's been a bit harsh there Chris Nicky what on the yeah I've been with Louise a couple of times and done a class we're not training together we don't fix I don't get our equipment out on that we'll just do the class we'll not be doing any of that bit anyway I go with Rose together you're doing classes though aren't you yeah but not like we're putting the weights on on that you know what I mean you know if you're training yeah like wait I think if you go in and you're doing like machines together and you just you know one standards and weights and so there's one squatting yeah squat but I mean you've got twice thing is just depends out it just depends out what you see each other for the week yeah that's a good point and he did say it was the other day couples who train together stay together oh who said that john did i i know i didn't i know for a fucking fact i didn't no i'm not that thing but um yeah but obviously you'll put it in the group when you about the air and that i said well you know it's just there's casualties in war isn't there does the jabs oh it's been recently released yes there's news reports yeah not to start getting some fucking stupid minicum football hats aren't I what will you do if you then ditch the jabs does your hair come back oh aye I haven't got the research paper in front of us I don't like that fucking out of darkness we're in 20 minutes right gents I think that's us that flew well so we don't know the fit will do the top three next time then yeah yeah we'll do the next time we're in the group and will the list of what it were and we'll press top freezing on categories I don't I know you don't mind number one begins with dirt and ends we have you know what somebody called us I won't mention his name but he pulled us to one side he went, I cannot believe you haven't invited the dwarf to the wedding.

1:06:12Imagine somebody says, has anybody got anything to say? And the doors open and the dwarf walks in. Imagine how good that would have been. Yeah, for us, we'd have been chuckling. I don't think Katie would have seen funny side. Who would it? Gaz. Gaz Marshall. And he was being serious as well. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Because he said, I thought about it and he said, I nearly rang you, but he said, surely the lads have thought about this already. It didn't even enter my head, by the way. Can you imagine a fucking dwarf just coming to kick the door open? No! Oh, it would have been bad. Well, enjoy your honeymoon.

1:06:54I'll try my best. Depending on what time this comes out, am I my front or my back? Or in the pool. Ah, Paul V. Five, yeah. More than a chance I'll be on my front. Is it all inclusive? Yes. Are you taking your jabs? No. Oh, that's a start. Yeah, so at least you want me grumpy. I took my jab today, and I'm not taking it next Monday. I've only got another three days after that anyway. Is that it then? No, no, no, no. I just thought I'd treat my scent to her. Yeah, you want to enjoy it. Red roll. I'll still be all right. I don't mind just eating little bits of lots of stuff now. Back in the day, all abusive, I was full after my soup.

1:07:43Do you know them bread rolls when they're warm? They are like crack cocaine then. Yeah. I saw you once with a bowl of soup, and you know the bread rolls. You know people put croutons on the soup, and you just put bread rolls. Bloop, bloop, bloop. Five or six of them in. So then, obviously, you used to have the soup, three, maybe four bread rolls, and then I'd obviously have my starter then. And it'd come to your main, and I'm, fuck, oh, I'm pig, but that's not going to be enough, is it? I'd put one more little steak on. I bet you have a main bloated since last year. I probably bloated. No. Not where I feel.

1:08:24Yeah. Well, kebab other night, Friday night. like probably had 30 % of it glad meeting chicks 30 % probably stop when you need to stop really yeah that your body needs yeah yes enjoy yourself I'll have a I'll have a soup and one bread roll some small changes lads isn't it small changes now you're a gym goer not joined yet right well have a bloody good time yeah thank you very much congratulations to you both again thank you we'll still be releasing, won't we? Yeah. Can we record after he's had a full day on the drink? Just get him on the laptop. Big face on him. Big bloated face. Well, I'm five hours behind.

1:09:16Are you? Yeah, five hours behind. We're after the late shift. So, like, six o 'clock English time. So that's obviously one. yeah I have a couple of our coverings at half 10 know what time you normally get back to the room right after a full day in the Sun oh five so five that's gonna be half 10 here for y 'all yeah nine half nine that's yeah 10 o 'clock start gonna be fun right over and out see you on the back stick yes enjoy you wanna say oh by the way next I say you'll be fat enough because you'll have had three weeks in it. You'd be even fatter you'll have had three weeks in America wouldn't you?

1:09:57How many chips do you think you're going to have on that holiday? How many wangled t-shirts are you going to buy? Oh so many. Yeah. So many. New wardrobe. Was that last episode when we were on about your club buying shirts? Yeah. I had one. Yeah so both of you enjoyed it then. You're all right aren't you? Yeah. Yeah. You have a fantastic holiday. Thank you very much. Lots of chips. Still will. Lots of chips. Up the cosh. Up the fucking cosh. Quick save, I felt something I couldn't comprehend. It was love at first sight, and later that night, you wrapped your gums around my belly. You've given me a blow in every day since.

1:10:43And I've slurred on your wrinkly fanny. They tell me you're far too old for me. They say I shouldn't be shagging a granny Your hips are super creaky, your hearing comes and goes But you give the best nauseous, so you're the one I chose

1:11:12I'll change your nappy, baby, every time you shit yourself I'll rinse your dentures, honey, I'm here to give you help I'll fetch your cardigan girl Whenever you're feeling a bit chilly All I want is your custard creams And for you to suck my willy You have two years left Max I wanna spend that time with you