Friday Club | Red Shoe Diaries

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1:55I've been awake. It's all here on the Friday Club.

2:01It's all here on the Friday Club. I'm going to start with a question for the lads. Okay. Which lads? For us? For you two. And probably everybody out there who listens. Hi, fellas. A question I've been asking lads on nights out recently that's gotten quite a good debate. Can have anything from a 0 to 10 woman giving you an anything from 0 to 10 blowjob, but you've only got 10 total points to spend. Example, you can have a 5 out of 10 blowy from a 5 out of 10 bird, or a 10 out of 10 blowy from a 0 out of 10. Tell me I'm not right in wanting the best chew of my life from Susan Boyle rather than having my helmet bitten off by a worldie.

2:57What would you do? Straight in. Eight and two. Which way? It looks too... Really? Well, as we know that... You're mad, man. I'm not going to ask about them. Oh, yeah. Oh, Louise. Yeah, but... No, you're going to have sex after, aren't you? You don't want to be out... You're going to have sex... No, it's just a blowy. Oh, that's it. It's just a blowy. End of game. Ah. I think, personally, I'm going 7-3. You laughed me out the room for an 8-2. 7-blow-8-3 looks. Two's too low for a look. Going 2? You might as well go nothing. Yeah, 10 and none. 10-0. I want a good shell. Not what the watch looks like.

3:50You can only see it top of her head. Never going to have to see her again. Never going to have to speak to her again. Yeah, I think that's like... Close your eyes and think of England. Yeah. She's really good. It's the best blow you've ever had. Surely that's going to be the more popular answer. The way you've led with the question, all you can see is the top of her head, then... Do you know what I mean? I've not written the question. Yeah, but that's the way you're looking at it. I can see your logic. Not worse than you're in the teeth. By the way, no woman at NAR should be bad at blowjobs. With the amount of material out there to watch to learn, there shouldn't be, should there?

4:33Well, some women would say that you shouldn't be bad at... Oral sex. Do your technique again. I don't know the alphabet, eh? Mate. all the material out there John I can lick a fanny you know I can lick a fanny it's not what I've heard well my grapevine yeah it too the other way of that so eight blowy two looks yeah where are you at Chrissy close my eyes 10-0 yeah yeah I think I'd like to know what the split is with his mates hmm good question? Yeah. Right. You'll throw a better question at us. Moody in here again. Tired and moody. You know I don't work well tired, Chris. Tired a lot lately though, John.

5:27Yeah. You need to eat more. Not eating enough. You're not getting the right foods in at the right times. Enough food. Subsidence. By the way. I don't mind taking it off fucking Joe Wicks, but not you. Fat gump. Hey. Fucking hell. Thursday. I don't see. Andy's getting nasty with it as well. Just proof's in the pudding there. What you could do with a pudding. Can work with one. So Thursdays, I've got my days rigid, solid. 10 o 'clock gym. Yeah. Chill out a bit. Do a bit of housework. Pick our rotas up from school half four. He messages Tuesday. So now, Thursday, nip to Barnsley, get your suit fitted for the wedding.

6:16I thought this happened the other week. No, no. Did that happen? Did not. Well, I think paddle tuck thingy. Right. I says, right, I think I wrote this up at half four. He says, okay, I'll get paddle booked for 12. I says, right, I'll get there for 11, meaning I'll leave at 10. So I go to the gym at seven in the morning, get that out of the way, rearrange my day, basically. it's 45 minutes to barnsley so i was have to leave 10 quarter past 10 phone goes at half nine um i've just rang the suit shop and then i opened thursdays i've been up already five hours were you on route no i was gonna it was half nine so i was sitting off in half an hour right i'd already rearranged my gym all day the suit shop shut I didn't know it wasn't shut till I phoned up, did I, Thursday morning?

7:10Should I have phoned up Wednesday? Maybe Tuesday, when you ask us the question. Do you not have to book in that you're coming? No, not if you're just going for a suit, not if you're not going for a proper measure job now. So, you know, last week when you said you thought you paid for the suit to be made. Yeah. But then you said you're only renting the trousers. Yeah, because I think I'll fluctuate with trousers, Wayne. Shoot jacket, you can pretty much get away with size up or down, can't you? Trousers, it doesn't bother. Yeah, but then what? It's not going to be a suit anymore, is it? You'll just have a jacket.

7:49Yeah, you're getting a jacket taken in. Well, I've got a feel for a jacket then. Yeah, but no, what I mean is afterwards, you're just going to have a jacket. You're not going to have a suit. Yeah.

8:05proper poody give me his head a shake or something the only reason I wanted the mizoot jacket made was so it fitted perfect right on the day yeah I'm not bothered by it after some other fatty can have it after I only want it for that one day I just wanted it to fit on that I didn't want to like you know like oh it looks smart but a bit big that suit or a bit small that suit Yeah. Yeah, you don't want on your wedding day for your suit to be too big or too small, like you said. They're baggy suits. Are they? Everything comes around, doesn't it? Mm-hmm. Like big baggy trousers. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe go for an oversized suit.

8:47I'm thinking 80s speckled. There you go. Pinstripes. Yeah, no, like the speckles on them. Pinstripe was more 90s, wasn't it? Yeah. Disco. Well, anyway, you still need to come for your suit, fam. Yeah. Just not on a Thursday. No. We'll give a parallel, don't we? We were 2-0, down. Nobody lost the first game comfortably. Two sets to love, done. Yeah. 6-1, 6-2. We were a set down, 2-0 in games down, right? He takes a tumble into the glass and he goes. I'm a bit worried about it, by the way. That set 6-2. Yeah. And then we win the thingy, the game. Win the game. Yeah, we win that second game. But not overall?

9:34Well, it was a draw overall, but it could have been a whitewash. And I wish we got it on camera. I went for something a little bit too ambitious. My knee went and I fucking face planted the glass. Oh, keep watching me all the time. It was really obvious that my knee had gone. And I just heard laughter from my partner. like by the way proper laughter if it's not within a yard of him right he's standing there and I'm basically covering every inch of the court like from the start of the game till the end right and there was this one point where it's kind of going over my head but experience told us that I'd be forcing it if I tried to reach so I've just left it and he's given oh I'll go then for the first probably the first point that he's had to move grumpy you know like the sarcastic oh you're leaving I'll go then I'm like I'm dripping in sweat I've got to put another jumper on I'm frozen but yeah good game it is contagious that paddle are you are you wankering now have you ordered a have you ordered a racket I'm getting the big ones aren't I oh yeah he's dropped he ain't he fucking dropped on so I ordered a new racket yeah and then you have to do videos because you were broken.

10:56So I've done all the videos and they've sent me a new racket now. And you've kept... They never asked for the old one back. So I've passed it on to my partner. My pal's going to sort the screw out to put the weight in the top. He's got a fucking brand fire new racket. Right. And how much are you charging him? I've got a new lawnmower and a tennis racket for 180 quid. That's the way I'm looking at it. Value. I think he's been in touch. I haven't asked for hope for the racket. in fact that's your wedding present that's your present for fetch it if you want because the building's somewhere we're out playing as suits so the Captain Caveman's been in touch about Colin again you know he said he had a few more couple more stories oh yes he says he hasn't heard anything from Colin so I'm guessing he doesn't listen to the podcast which is a bit of a shame yeah especially when you're a star in role, Col because I think we like Col anyway this next story comes in two parts Sorry if it's a bit of a long one.

11:57This comes around the same time as the fat cunt incident. Myself and Colin were definitely the definition of weekend millionaires in our early 20s. Friday to Sunday, constantly out, then skint all week till Friday to begin the cycling all over again. I think that's pretty common, isn't it? Yeah. Young lads just living for the weekend. Get paid. duck lot in fuck it first week go go mad and then like oh jesus i messed slow down a bit yeah whenever i was with col i started notice i started to notice something odd about him if he saw a pen he would steal it any opportunity arose it would be in his pocket without any hesitation we're talking barrels board markers even the little pens in the betting shops oh They're ten a penny and all that.

12:53You can take ten of them. You're not somebody to use that. I know, I like it. I'm a nicker. After a few weeks, I confronted him about this during Dummy Club with the football boys. His response was unexpected. So when I bust out a Tommy tank, I found that sticking a pen up my arse just makes it all that little much better. That's why he's pinching pens. Yeah, you know, you just use your finger, don't you? So I'm trialling all the different pens to see which one is the best. Which one do you think would be better? Well, the Buckees ones are only probably four inch. That sounds painful. They could get lost.

13:30You know, if you push too far too quick, that could be up there and need a dig at it. I'll tell you what you need. You need a bingo dobber. That's what you need. Oh, yeah. Are they thick? Oh, are they? Obviously, he gets absolutely ripped for this, but none of us are surprised because he is a bit of a wrong one. Part two. A few weeks after this revelation about Colin wanting to jam all forms of writing equipment up his hoop, we're at my house for a cheap night in with drinking games. My parents are away, so it's just us to cause a bit of mayhem and not spend a bomb. The usual games I've played most the night, then when we're all well-oiled, we take it up a notch and play a game named Foo Bar.

14:15Fucked up beyond all recognition. This is Colin's favourite. All cards have consequences and a dirty pint in the middle. Ace of spades drinks the drink. But at no point is the same liquid allowed to be poured more than once. So there's lager, cider, whiskey, ouzo, vodka. But then we're out of spirits. So Colin heads out of the garden and comes back with a cup of pond water. Oh! Someone has taken it too far. Colin. And in that goes as well. This thing absolutely reeks. I'm pretty sure there's a tadpole swimming around in there. Walter Bortman. The game carries on and the Ace of Spades is pulled out by none other than Colin himself.

15:09To be fair, the boy can put the drink away, but he doesn't stand a chance with this monstrosity. he spews up so he has to do a forfeit there's a few thrown out there a naked lap of the village shave his hair off then one of the boys comes out with the most outrageous forfeit if you love pens up your hoop so much take a wine bottle now while we all laugh at this colin replies with only if i and put it in.

15:41Would that be your first, your go-to thing? Only if I'm putting it in. I will, but I'm doing it. Anyone else would have been clothed off and going for a late night, like a late night lap, but not call. He disappears into the kitchen, then runs upstairs and comes back with an empty wine bottle of rosé and a bottle of conditioner. conditioner what's he using up for lubrication well we're all wondering what the fuck is happening he begins to rub conditioner in the bottleneck drops his trousers and begins to line this bottle up for entry oh god he's an experienced thing yeah it's conditioning would be the last thing I'm reaching for I'd just be a pack is that work now this is where I fully accept I had a cuntish moment here, but we've laughed at this story so many times that I think all is forgiven.

16:39Whilst lining the bottle up, I've walked straight past Colin and give the bottom of the bottle a good kick. Oh! This is instantly met with a massive scream from Colin and a very loud, fucking hell, that's gone right in! He hops out of the room and up the stairs to the toilet. We're all in bits laughing. About five minutes later Colin comes in with a small limp. I'm definitely sticking to the pens he says. That split me like a gypsy's peg. Anybody else will be absolutely fuming. Smashing the house up and some faces for that matter. When I say faces I mean mine for being that horrible cunt that just broke his rusty sheriff's badge.

17:29That could have been really dangerous. That could have been glass. Two girls, didn't it? But Colin, oh no. He grabs an extra pillow from the sofa, lays that on his seat at the table, grabs the deck of cards and yells, fuck it, round two. The guy didn't give a fuck and even still asks me to be his best man at his wedding. Apologies again for being a long one up the fucking cosh. Nah, the kicking is bad. That could have been really dangerous. Isn't that a thing where you burst something? what's the rupture yeah maybe like a rupture I'm thinking if the bottle smashes yeah the bottle smashes at the bottom of the nozzle and it's in again that art there's stitches everywhere but he's good fun isn't he he's a right lad yeah right crack nearly had a really big crack As if he's gone round two?

18:31I used to play with a kid who used to say, do a, I don't say his name, Bales, do a digit, and he'd just strip off, stand up in the corner of the dressing room, bend over on all fours and just whack his fingers up his arse. Then start chasing people around the dressing room with that. No, no, there's no need. But are you a lap of the village? Yeah, naked lap of the village in the dark, pissed. You're not giving a fuck, are you? What was the other one? Oh, shave your hair. Shave your head. Where's the wine bottle? Over that. Over your hair? Yeah. Are you not? No, you've got... You're on the way out, aren't you?

19:11Well, to be fair, I shaved me... I shaved it for that charity thing, didn't I? That time. It's going to grow back, innit? Wine bottle. Wine bottle up your body? You really don't like wine bottles up your body, do you? No. Like anything up your body? I really don't want to be bald. you were you would just pass us a wine bottle aren't you by the way that is one one time where no pack is acceptable not low pack well if you're literally used for lubrication wine up to put up your ass you can use no pack for that hmm conditioner he's an experienced trap tour in a I think he's I think it'd be more than pens gone up see a pen you could get it's you know what the pens know and then neither here are there no especially the thin ones that the bookies ones I reckon here I reckon I could put one of them up your ass and you might not even notice you need to tell the story about the Tesco truck all right yeah so he's took us to airport a few times a taxi driver and he sent me a photo on last Friday and this is at Stairfoot roundabout so this is like in outside Barnsley so no in here Blackburn and it just it's a Tesco lorry dirty lorry and it says on it has Chris Chris Brown score jet, question mark.

20:4537 appearances, no goals, right? That's in Barnsley, right? So I'm like, that's fucking incredible. I've sent it to him. And did you get in contact with him? I just put it on my Instagram. Right. Saying, who's done this? Not thinking for one minute that somebody would step forward. And then there he is. That was me. I did it to about five trailers. were in Barnsley or he's from Rotherham right so again nowhere near Blackburn not even a Blackburn fan not a Blackburn fan which makes it even better really doesn't it he's done five so if you spot one send us a picture it'll be like Eddie Stober you know when they have names on you collect them yeah I just imagine people reading it because people usually put stuff like clean me now don't they or blowjob and write a telephone number on it's with a knob It's like people reading it thinking, has Chris Brown scored?

21:45No. 37 appearances, no goals. It's funny because in the message requests, we're seeing a Doncaster from another person, another one from Scunthorpe. So these Tesco vans are... So I wonder if he's at like a depot? Maybe. Was that on the road that you've seen? It was a staff at roundabout. So there's a Tesco that's not far from there. You know if they all go to be serviced at one place or something? Well, look, he sent us, it must have been a private message, of a Tesco thingy parked up. So I don't know if he's a Tesco driver himself and doing it, or what. Who knows? Or if he's just going to any service station.

22:27Any random ones are just riding it on. To be fair, fucking Tescos, after you find me for fucking parking in that parent and child thing, get your wagons clean, you dirty bastards. yeah John ever used that we used to that for when it was somebody's birthday that you know that mucky pint job so we'd all put two pined in and it'd be a top shell for like a whiskey vodka what else is on the top shelf I don't know you'd just give us an idea for the weekend fucking fuck off I will fucking lose my head you know basically all the top shell yeah one shot maybe five or six different ones. Fill it up with lemonade, bit of black currant and that's what you got for your birthday.

23:12And everyone, everyone was sick waiting half an hour. Yeah. So basically, we're a night ruiner, but Uzo's a bad one. What's that? Uzo for me. Yeah. It's that, and a seed. I don't mind black Sambuca. I can get, I don't mind black Sambuca, but white one. It's mad at that age range from like six, usually when you can first start going in pubs so like 17 when you can start there's always, everybody's got one occasion when one lad's just gone stupid like yep, go on I'll have a shot, I'll have another one I remember a lad at college lunchtime we'd gone in, gone in pub and got some lunch and you first can start going in getting served and they had absinthe and he was like yeah I'll have another one yeah go on yeah I'm fine anyway afternoon lessons going on with ambulance pulled up outside college you got out on stretcher absolutely wanker pump absolutely wankered couldn't stand up wasn't there a myth that that was illegal I remember yeah when it first started coming out in this country.

24:27Yeah. I can't see, I don't know if I've ever had it, but I can't see what, why people would like, enjoy drinking it. You know, like, obviously most drinks, somebody will enjoy it. You know, like Southern Comfort people, they enjoy it. Yeah. Rum and Coke, you could have a whiskey, neat and enjoy it, can't you? But the absinthe one, I don't see what. Yeah, it's just to get wankered in it. It's just any shot, the winners. Any tequila, vodka. as a shot as a shot yeah you're just drinking it the only reason is to get pissed so you alright with black sambucas just so just asking for a friend I'll have one or two and then I'll be sick but if you I've I've decided if I feel water jets I'm just going for it what do you mean sick?

25:13if I feel at any point I feel sick I'm not gonna try and stop myself I'm just gonna be sick where I am so we'll say now because I think we mentioned last week that we'd be on your stag do when it gets released because we're a week ahead and we're recording at the minute. So this is the, what day is it today? Tuesday. We'll be back now, but it's Tuesday today. Your stag do starts on Friday. Yeah. Yeah. 10 kilogram of luggage, hand luggage. And how much did I say you need to take outfit-wise? said I need to take one outfit one pair of shorts and one t-shirt that'll see him through on us yeah I think so bearing in mind I'm 44 years of age and a public figure I was going to say

26:09I am the stag yeah no fucking about let's go have a drink go have an enjoyer sense no fucking about we're all daft than that. Anybody tries tying me up, I'm swinging. There you go. You can't go into your own stag do with that attitude. I fucking can't. I've seen somebody over there, I follow Benny Dome live, you know, Instagram, geezer, strapped to a lamppost and I'm like, if that happens to me, I'm... You can't be going in with that attitude. I'll tell you what, you need... I'll go home. There you go. You should have fucked them jabs off for a week leading up to your stag do. You can't be going in with his jabber.

26:54Bring John back just for a week. Bring back John. Yeah. Should start an appeal. Hashtag bring back John. To be fair, I think I'm going to bring a rule in every time that you say you're tired. Black Sambuca. Just brought that in now. Deal? Let's see how we get on. No, not a deal. 44. But I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, I am and all. I went to a match on Saturday. and I went to I went in fan zone but Juno I'd just got a pint we're also going to get you something to eat me and my mate having a chat and Juno come and sat they're like barrels you know as tables and she just sat on the floor next to the barrel anyway this lad's turned round and he's knocked a full pint over and literally Juno sat there and it's gone bosh like full like she's had a shower in her hair and that in her there was a puddle in her ud oh like she was drenched and he just went oh sorry mate turned around nah carried on nah she stood up she's absolutely I bet are you taking the piss is that what you said to him yeah I went you've absolutely drenched you what do you want me to do I went I said fucking leave it go away go away like if I did that to a child yeah you'd be mortified I'd be going getting napkins I'd be giving you coats I'd take it into toilets dry it and everything oh sorry mate nah that's not good enough no isn't is it no

28:40right I'm going with this one hey up lads long time listener of the pod blah blah blah I can't stress Yes, enough. How much I look forward to Fridays since the inception of your weekly offering. You lads are national treasures. Thank you. If old Jug Lugs doesn't have you on the New Year's Honours list, he needs to give his head a shake. A little message there to King Charles. Probably just done ourselves out of one. Anyway, I've got a little tale from you from back in the day that I'd love to hear your thoughts on. The year is 1994. I'm 14 years old, living at home with my mum and stepdad. My mum would sometimes go to bed early, leaving me and my stepdad downstairs watching telly.

29:25Anyway, he was always chatty prior to this scenario, but would often go quiet and awkward. This would prompt me to go to bed like a warm-blooded team I'd indulge in the pastime that has long since been forgotten. An imagination wank. Kids these days don't know the hardship of the pre-internet delve into the wank bank for inspiration to relieve yourself of a little prom fat

29:55what you just you don't watch anything what kind of what was your goal I back in the day I once got a pack of nude playing cards oh I'd like I'd likely maybe six and eight you know on top of my bed yeah and just over them we six of clubs for eight nine of hearts what were your favorite I honestly couldn't tell you but I know I mean so to a clubs nine of diamonds six of arts and fucking queen of spades It's just lasses with the tits out on the front. Ah, and probably the fanny and all. Yeah. I'm just thinking about him out with his legs above his head with one of them pens that you click up his arse, you know, and the clothes come off.

30:45That is bad, isn't it, that? Anyway, back then, I used to have an auxiliary cable linked to the little TV in my bedroom to the big telly downstairs, meaning I could only watch what was being played down there. One night, after the awkward silence, I went up to bed and happened to turn the TV on. Little did I know at the time that I was about to discover something that would revolutionise my pubescent beating of the Onewood. A real eureka moment. Turns out he's on a channel called Men and Mortars. For the millennials out there, by day it was a car enthusiast station. reviews on Vauxhall Novas and whatnot, but at night, things took a sinister turn that would change the off-the-wrist habits for a generation.

31:36Sinister, that's some word that in it, sinister. It was a wall-to-wall titty fest, and believe you me, I took full advantage. Remember like Red Shoe Diaries? Like Euro Trash? Yeah. That was the first one. Was that like 3PG? Yeah, it was soft porn. Channel 5. Still got you going. Oh, yeah. Did the job. Four hours, wasn't it? Wasn't it on for a long time? Well, if I remember right, like Channel 5 when it first came on the scene. Naughty, wasn't it? Yeah, like late at night. Euro trash was shite, wasn't it? Lola Ferrari. Ubering with big massive fucking cans. When you're half going in and that bloke comes on dressed as a penguin eating fish.

32:20For fuck's sake, hurry up. Get off and get Lolo back on. Yeah, red shoe diaries, that is a blast from the past. From this night on, I eagerly anticipated the awkwardness from Paps. It became a bit of a routine we'd partake in. Not too dissimilar to the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace. We'd say our good nights to my mum, endure 10 to 15 minutes of silence before my due departure to my stale spunk-reaking single bedroom, clambering up the ladder of my cabin bed with a fistful of tissues. So basically having to sink his wanks with his stepdad. Yeah. His stepdad might not be wanking. He might just like watching it.