Friday Club | Skyjacker

0:04Hey, hey, it's the Friday club The weekend's here, get in that pub It's Friday club, bing bang, bong Bosch with all of your favourites from under the castle. If you want to share a story or relive a form of glory, fatter the week or clapping them cheeks, maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank. It's all here on the Friday Club.

0:30It's all here on the Friday Club. It's not really a would you rather, but the title of this email is Fanny versus Toothbrush. All right, lads. Just a quick one. I wouldn't think twice about licking our lass's fanny, as she's been at work all day. But the other night, she used my toothbrush by accident, and I was fucking disgusted. What are your thoughts on this? Cheers, Craig. How would you react? I'm not arsed with these fucking things. Bearing in mind, though, you don't like saliva. Yeah. Saliva gets on you. Yeah, but... They wash it off, don't they? They lost her toothbrush after, don't they?

1:11If it's still got bits in when she's put it back. It'll be debris. Why? Why could I like to do it like a broken fucking fence? And his original point, that's brave. Lick Fanny after a full day at work? Not for me. No? No. What about if she's just, I don't know, just sitting in her office? No? Yeah. Or if she really wants you to. It's more duration. She's like, oh, Chris, come and lick me Fanny. No. No? No, after a nine-hour shift. About half day. She got off at dinner. She nipped home for lunch. It's natural for being out nine hours at work, walking about and that, just jump in the shower. Do I smell a bit?

1:56If we've been working out all day. Yeah. Do I? What, Willys? Yeah. I reckon so, yeah. Yeah. What pissy in that? Probably. I had a bash. What we've? What we've been on about. The pants. I don't know if was it on here or in car when he went he just went have a sniff after a night and I couldn't remember was that on here or it was just a bit of personal advice see I think you're a secret knicker sniff for me you've been backing it up I'm not but I do get it I would come clean but I do get it That's why I'm pushing you to try and... To get involved. So we were sitting car together and he just went, like a bit of personal advice.

2:46Have a sniff after a night out. Not in that voice. And you did? Yeah. After a night out? She had one of them, like, a bit like a bikini type thing with the pestles underneath. Bodysuit. Right, okay. To be fair, she actually threw it at me. She went, go on then. Have a whiff. Yeah, and I did. And not really much, do you? And I were like, no, not for me. So I thought, well, it's good that she must wipe her tuppy properly when she goes out, because we're not pissing her out. They were just, no, really. And I were like, no. Yeah, but like we talked about last week, have you had the full experience, though?

3:24Well, no. With them not being a silky sexy number? No, I don't think I will. Anyway, we can't go on about this again, can we? This will be like a month, but it was just like a secret. Mum for knicker sniffing. Just a bit of like, private advice for me. Have a sniff after she's had a night's heart. Come on, haven't we? So if she uses a toothbrush, you're not that bothered? Nah. Are you not? Matty? What do you... Yeah, I'd be bothered. Would you? Would you? Do you have a toothbrush pot? Holder. Holder. Pot. You put yours in a pit pot, don't you? The pot also doubles up as getting shitted off the back of the toilet.

4:04at her. So obviously this is debris at the back take the toothbrushes out, fill it with water and I'm watching it. Somebody has while you're on that somebody's provided some advice on that exact thing John which I'll need to find. By the way I did see you get tagged in Silent Night. Yes. Mattresses to be fair. There's definitely scope. There's a market for it. I piss on them you break them and he shags them. I've got it. Now then, you set a sauce pot. I have put many a mate onto the cosh and also the balls out manoeuvre, which becomes more important as we approach the autumn of our lives. It just works.

4:49Now, a bit of forewarning. This isn't the most pleasant subject, but it's a matter just as annoying skid marks on the pan. You need to pay attention here, John. Every time, man. We all suffer from them, especially depending on your recent diet or a night on the cans. I've got a hack that means you never have to pick up the bog brush again. By the way, bog brushes, I think, are the most disgusting thing in the world. Yeah. The filth. Cleaning your teeth with£5.00. That's up there. Who cleans the teeth with a£5.00? I wouldn't be surprised if you were cleaning with a bog brush.

5:27I don't clean them with a bog brush. I just get a bit of meat out. The method goes as followed. Rip off a section of toilet paper, stick it to the inside of the pan so it covers the skidders and the bottom falls into the water. Then walk away. Next time you visit the throne, the paper will be saturated and the skid mark will flush away first time. Anything left behind can be pressure washed off with a piss. Like I said, it's grim but it's effective. Thank me later, and sorry I haven't included pics, but that's for the best. UTFC. Up the fucking cosh. So you have the shit. Yeah. There's debris.

6:11This isn't what I thought it was. So there's a debris. Yeah. Then you just cover that in toilet paper. Yeah. Leave it. Slap a square on. And then next time you go to the toilet, flush it, and it all comes off. According to John. But it don't always work because sometimes you've got to jet wash, don't you, with your next person. You see, my toilet's a bastard for it because it's almost got a shelf. It's like Gillian McKeith's designed it. They're the worst ones. So you can have a look. But what I do when I go, I rip probably two squares off and I lie that in the toilet first. Oh, base layer. Yeah, base layer.

6:48Oh, so the shit lands on top of it. It goes on top of it, flush away, no problem. Right, I like that. i'll definitely try that one i think i'll like i think it's plastered it plaster it on the back before you have your brand onto the paper yeah yeah because you're a bugger for back splat i am yeah i am yeah but you're you're bad for you're bad for under the water. I don't know how you do it. Are they big? What leaves the skid marks all the way down? Have you ever been to Second Park at Tenerife? Yeah. It must go down like you're on that big fucking flume. Yeah. Like Bran's hatch. There's always debris in the water.

7:34Like skid marks under the water. I don't know how you do it. I know. Are they big ones? I'm just wondering if it's taking a bit of force and it's dragging them down. Maybe. You know, like the clinging on. Like a horror film. You know exactly what I mean, though, don't you? Yeah, I don't know you've mentioned it. Yeah, it's terrible for it. So there's mine up back and there's this underneath. I don't know how we've still got five-star reviews on this fucking Airbnb zone. So, yeah, a bit of friendly advice to her. They're both definitely worth a try. I don't like, on bog brushes, I think they're disgusting.

8:08Clean shit up with it and you put it next to your toilet. I know it's in a plastic thing, but still. I mean you're saying all this but I've never seen you clean a toilet yet exactly I'll go in and it'll just be there yeah you have to do it at home though don't you I do it's one thing that I do get in bother for quite regular again shit down back at toilet again I'll sort it out so when you're here with us you just feel like it's acceptable well you know you're off the leash you're not the prudish as her are you fuck off by the way I was a paranoid wreck after was it last week when I said I'd wet the bed yes week before I went to the gym and did an early class which I never do and it was a quote that I don't really know as well as the others and he went fuck me what are you doing in this early you pissed the bed and I've like looked at him as if is he joking or is he I didn't have you down as a listener but and then I just kind of did an awkward laugh and walked away matter of fact yeah I did the other day but I got paranoid didn't somebody not cope with you yeah somebody kept doing a class and somebody came over and went who pissed the bed this morning like listen you've got you've got to roll with it if you're willing to and get your dirty washing we don't probably like overshare yeah well I've just told you I snippy and missus body so yeah I had a message about the mattresses.

9:44And, you know, as I explained, three times when I was 11. But now I'm a mattress shagger. Yeah. And a pokey bum wanker. And a pokey bum wanker. I think it only turned into three times when you were 11 when you realised. We were on board with it. Yeah. It was like panic bump. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I've been at it ever since. I've never ride out. I had a threesome with a bump bed last week. What, you got a message? Just calling you a mattress shagga? Yeah, just mattress shagga. Is your dad still listening? I don't know what his routine is, but every now and again he'll drop something in, so I think he just listens sporadically.

10:21Well, you're banned from sleeping at his house, that's for sure. They're always blow-ups, actually, at the home and dads. Friction. We'll go in. Go on, then. It's a female. A female who's messaged, should I get a boob job? Hi, lads. Long time female listener here Absolutely love the crack on a flyer club Blah blah blah A non if you don't mind I have a dilemma I need a man's opinion on please I'm the same age group as you lads So hoping you could shed some light I have an opportunity to get a boob job Opportunity? I don't know if she's won it in a raffle Raffle yeah Top bowler Is that a mini Cooper or he win a set of cans?

11:08379 We've got a winner on the move, John. My worry is that my lady pillows are two of the main reasons my husband married me, and I don't want to ruin his fun bag. He says he loves them as they are, but if I want to get it done, he supports my decision. My body, my choice, blah, blah, blah. For context, I used to be a 38G. Jesus, what? I don't think G stands for Jesus, but I know what you mean, Chris. But I've lost over three stone over the past year, and I am now a 34F. They're still a big piece of kit, aren't they? With the weight loss and my ageing body, they are like half-filled hanging water balloons.

11:47All the weight at the front, not at all firm, just very squishy. It's not so much about the size, more the empty sagginess. So my question is, for the men out there that have played with fake boobs, do they still feel normal and will they be as much fun for my hubby to play with as my current half-filled stress balls. As much as I would love to be able to wear backless and strapless tops with no bra and a sack full of confidence, it's more important to me that I don't take away my husband's favourite toys. Picture of said saggy Yorkshire puddings attached. Cheers, lads up the gosh. Yorkshire puddings.

12:30She's a bit exposed. No. Oh, she's got her top on, bless her. It's a tough one, that, isn't it? Well from her husband's perspective He's kind of just said Well he likes her the way that she is Yeah But then there's also the perspective of Well she'll feel really confident with it She'll want to wear different clothes I agree So what's your thoughts on them lads Saggy tits or Pert bosoms I don't think fake ones are Nice at a touch I prefer natural To get your hands around But What she said there about She'll look better in her clothes so her husband will appreciate that I think I think reading between the lines I think it sounds more like that she wants to do it for herself 100 % by the way I don't think that don't put yourself down that was not one of the only reasons he married you pretty girl so I would say he's still going to want to play with a mini yeah and they do look a lot better if a pair of boobs just sat there when women are dressed up.

13:36I don't know if this is true, but don't they lose the sensitivity when they get them done? No. In the nips?

13:46Or is it after having kids? It might be after... Yeah. It doesn't feel as... I suppose if they've been breastfeeding... I think if you've been breastfeeding... It's not going to be very... Not as enjoyable. I'm putting a few quid away for Katie's 50th. She's got a new set of cans.

14:04whether she likes it or not she's got no fucking choice in my tits how will you present the present like just a gift wrap per no I'll take her you're in there now love what's happening two balloons you can get them cards that when you open a pair of tits just pop ups surprise two pop ups tits and a lot of glitter and a tongue on you can't do that that's buying a present for yourself I'm fucking telling you she's getting some new cans for her 50th. Does she know yet? I've told her, ah. Why wait till she's 50? I'm thinking for the last 20. I'll have to get some more at 70, will I? Hmm. Ah, right, you're splitting.

14:51Splitting the timeframes. Sure had them done now, didn't she? Right. She had them done now.

14:59We're going to have a quick break with a message from one company, would you like it to be? I think I'd like it to be NordVPN, please. If that's all right with you two. It's for looking here. Is it? Ah, brilliant. Our favourites, NordVPN. If you're not using it, what are you doing? Tell you what it is good for as well now with these new laws. You know, don't you, that's... I know what you're on about, John. Oh! You know, the new... Restrictions. Restrictions on age verification and all that for certain sites. Right. What I do, bouncer to Columbia, job done. Well, if you don't know what NordVPN is, you can bounce your location to anywhere in the world.

15:42Perfect for watching sports abroad or watching abroad sports over here. Yep. Or watching that sort of stuff. Yes. One thing that I was wondering, is the security still watertight? Is it? You know, even with the water sports going on. Right. Not a drop getting in. Not a drop. Passwords, bank details, everything's still firmly secured. Under lock and key. Extra protection for all your bank details and everything else associated. All you do, switch on your NordVPN. Happy days. I think there's just one more question for me, but have we got a bit of an offer? Have we got an offer? All you've got to do, click that link in the description and you get a heavy, heavy discount and a 30-day money-back guarantee.

16:30I've not stopped using it. I've been using it for three, four years now. Same. I'll be using it a lot more than what I used to. Mark my words. So, yeah, link's in the description. Get yourself that heavy discount and a 30-day money-back guarantee with no VPN. You mentioned, who mentioned breath then? Did somebody mention breath? No. No. But, go on. how bad was your teacher's coffee breath oh they used to have loads didn't they but i i get paranoid about it from from that like because i have a lot of coffee i'm thinking if people could smell what i used to smell i don't want to drink that shit anymore you just had a double espresso yeah i think that's what brought it to my mind do you think there's a way of a smooth and easy way of telling somebody that they've got bad breath?

17:22No. I played with a lad and it was... Bad? Yeah. Death breath? Not coughing. There's nothing in particular that was just... Really bad? Yeah. And I could never... Did you find something moving away from him? Yeah. It was that bad. But it was... I can't even describe it. Shit. I don't know. There was a bit of everything in there. I've spoke to someone before and it's given me a knot in my stomach. It's that bad. I don't know, do you offer chewing gum, a mint? I think if it's a medical condition, I don't think chewing gum's getting rid of that. You think they need like a jet wash? I mean, you tell me, lads, do I suffer from bad breath?

18:09No. As much of a scruffy you are, you don't have bad breath. And you very rarely smell a sweat. I tell you what, the school teachers, yeah, breath, eyebrows. we always said one and all you just used to use to the old chalk or blackboard you know with a chalk and it was to use the rubber thing you know that you should use his lick and use his hands but then every now and again you just see me just have chalk around his knackers you know we let us not know pervy I don't think but he must just scratch no way and and just chalk round about the one at lads at school one at naughty one at naughty lads always had to sit up front and i never condone this but when the french teacher i can't remember her name but anyway when she used to turn around to write on the board he'd pick his nose and drop his bogeys in a coffee oh no i can't get on board with that no no no when she's just trying to teach him a foreign language so my kids are all bastards yeah yeah you have your sweaty bettys what's that like get rip some paper off chew it up straw oh yeah we used to fly didn't they yeah they must be good fun no right on the blackboard and there's one

19:29right there's no way for their heads I was fairly well behaved at our with them Then ones that used to terrorise. I remember once, history teaching, and it must have been so soul-destroying, demoralising. You know that you've taken this career and you want to make a difference for kids and you want to teach it. Because she'd gone to real efforts in this history lesson. She dressed up as... Unbelievable. ...who we were learning about. Yeah, and then the idea in the class was that you could ask questions to this historical character. I remember one of the lads was putting his hand up and going, are you sure that you're a man?

20:08Because you seem to have tits to me. And she just started crying, like, I've just had enough. But all this effort in. I've no chance, I've got. She's dressed as Abraham Lincoln and some of her beard on. It must be worse being a teacher where nobody gives a fuck. Like RE. For people who's interested. Music. Nobody's interested in RE ever. Nobody is. I think you were called Mr Clifford and he knew nobody gave a fuck and he didn't either he'd just be like just crack on lads I'll talk it background you just crack on nobody were asked one bit about RE but they must go in wanting to make a difference to them kids who aren't interested in learning and then in the end just be like what can I do what about his metagony this morning you know what he did he called me a CUNT this morning with aggression Warranted Oh yeah Been coming really hasn't it In fact it was lazy CUNT and all I think if I remember rightly And I think the reason you still sat in yesterday's clothes without a shower is for being a lazy CUNT You sat on that couch for an hour and a half I had a bath last night So why do you stink?

21:23And then you put your clothes back on Yeah I'll just put them back on the next step of bed Can't be arsed going to me bag To me bag I walked in on a terrible angle of John in the bath yesterday.

21:40It's not big enough, is it? So the legs are off the edge. It was just a lot of ball bag. With legs akimbo. No, he half thingied them, but not enough. He half closed them, but they were just there. Like a dog. The balls are poking out the back. They were a little cross, so everything were on top. I remember rightly. Yeah. Nicely speeded though, isn't it? Yeah, much better. Do you have a shower at home? We're jumping around a lot, aren't we? Every day. A shower? Yeah, most... Well, I have a shower or a bath every day. So why do you always go bath when we're out on our travels? Because I like... I'll be honest with you, we had a new bath in and it's not big enough.

22:24So when we're away, I like to have a bath. Surely that's the first thing you should have... I know. you've got to look at the dimensions even have a lie it's about a man of your size it's not angle isn't it you know one of them like corner ones right so I can't get in my bath at home if I'm honest I feel like you've passed the responsibility on to Katie and she's stitched you up accidentally she's just ordered one that's not big enough well I think she ordered one that was the same size as the last one was that big enough? no

22:59there's no way in here so that do they do super long baths you can get yeah they will do but on the angle of our bathroom bathroom it's like so you go in and it's like all in that corner on the angle you know then toilet sink so I couldn't really could you get it deeper you know so you could go on a on a U possibly You wanted nothing to do with the organisation, did you? No. And just left it. You order the bathroom, love. Yeah. I'm in Leeds, as we speak. Well, I'm not, but as it's released. You're in Leeds. That's where you live, innit? Stag do. Oh, right. Well, there's every chance... We are jumping around, aren't we?

23:41There's every chance I'm in Barnsley. I'm in Bolton. No.

23:49Stag do. Stag do in Leeds? I had my stag do in Leeds did you? over here people who couldn't come to it I didn't get the invite did you get? to mine? I didn't know you did? did you really? yeah oh yeah maybe oh you did I didn't know you did I wasn't stag do worthy no I'd have gotten the invite I think it would have been I don't think you'd have come if you did invite that's why my brother's drinking neck oil because he'll want a pint if you're out of date or tomorrow. Where you going, is it all set, planned? No, there's 15 of us. So you do not need to be set and planned for that many. It's hard for 15.

24:33Everybody starts pulling in different directions. So I'm just going to go with the floor. Uncle Kate's coming. Oh, excellent. Let me know when some of the lads are hungry and I'll bob over and dick them for something to eat. Fancy dresser, anything for the groom? I think my brother's got him a suit, a rascal suit, which is kind of, you'll hopefully still get into places. Yeah. Yeah, because you've got to watch that now, haven't you? Yeah. Would you mind if you introduce a game to test your two football knowledge? No. I was going to say something. Oh, my old baths were good, weren't they? That's what you should have.

25:10That's what you needed. This is like the most ADHD episode we've ever done. My old baths were good. My old baths, I bet they were, it was they had everything it was long enough on it for to lie in but also maybe half a metre deep half a metre deep yeah we're a big bath we could get three of us in me, him and Sam

25:34have you ever been fond of a bath with a partner regular I'm getting regular just imagine how tight that is so yeah what stance are you going like so I'm in behind and she's in between my legs. Back. Oh, I wouldn't like that. She's got to do all her bits and bobs first, you know, like shave her legs and her toes and her top lip and that. And then you get in. A top lip. That would just be, what's the word I'm looking for? Is she like just lying on you? Yeah, but then when she gets out. So then do you do her back? Eh? Do you do her back then? What, shave her back? Yeah. Bick. But then when she'll get out first and I'll have my own bath then.

26:12Top her up. Yeah, I'd feel... what is that when you you can't go claustrophobic can't go like top to toe because there's taps that end she ought to go on one side but she never asked me so what we are missing on this on this podcast a game has anyone got one a football game yeah right on the count of three two one both are going to name a football team and then it's the first to shout out a football player that's played for both teams I've seen it they do this on the telly I've seen it right yeah so if I was you two I'd go high profile clubs maybe yeah to start with yeah baby steps okay ready ready yeah three two one Newcastle Munch and Gladbach good dick I'm like one of your teachers what can I do what I'm working with here what can I do I didn't even hear you what did you say Newcastle right I'll go again Nicky Butt play my ball three two one Newcastle.

27:15First. David Ginola. 1-0. 3-2-1. Man United. Arsenal. Andy Cole. 2-0. Come on, John. Andy Cole never played for Arsenal. He did. He started there. 2-0. We'll go best out of five. 3-2-1. Bournemouth. I'm struggling to have a name in teams here. Preston. Young Illy. No, yeah. Young Illy. Yeah, I'll give you that. Is it James Hill? James Hill, yeah. 2-1 Get in Can he start at Preston? Maybe start thinking of a team now Yeah Keep catching him off guard Did he not? His dad Right we'll go again 2-0 still 3-2-1 Liverpool Aston Villa James Milner Try and see it at the same time Yeah I know but I've got to I know 3-2-1 Reading Aston Villa Nicky Shorey Nicky Shorey 2-all what if you've just gone for my old team Villa decider get a bit of music to increase tension ready 3 2 1 Manchester City Walt Palo one chop great man we've gone top of the tree haven't we 3 2 1 Bayern Munich I agree oh well done no oh yeah I like this game Chris yeah that's the end of this week's instalment yeah we're not bothered with that next week we're struggling we're struggling to pick football team yeah I like that Chris not maybe too often but once every eight month hey up lads seven times a night and still in trouble hi gents blah blah etc You guys are hilarious and please keep up the good work.