Friday Club | Spam The Man

31:30This question took me aback. so I asked why. Gail proceeded to tell me that his girlfriend works at the same workplace. She'd come home the night before flashing her phone in his face over a spag ball asking whether he knew Ashley given they'd once worked together. He of course declared that he did and wondered why the question. It turns out that Ashley fancied himself a bit of extra shooting practice after training and had arranged to go on a date with a young female in his new workplace, hoping to batter his dry Mars bar in her oil. Interesting analogy. They'd matched through Tinder and he'd clearly, I'd say I thought this was just a girl in the office that got chatting, but they'd matched through Tinder even though they work in the same office.

32:20And is he not married? Oh yeah. With three bins. Three kids. They'd matched through Tinder and he'd clearly laid the charm on Thicke, denying the existence of a family, sending poorly lit dick pics and photoshopping his wedding ring out of selfies like a catfish. Oh, deary me. Ashley, Ashley. He must be unrecognisable to him. Yeah, the previous one. In her wisdom, she decided to join what I now understand is a vast network of are we dating the same guy Facebook groups. Oh my God. Have you heard of these? I've heard of it, yeah. A fella that put me kitchen, did me kitchen floor and came and he was loathing a snake's belly and he went, oh, fuck me, I've gone on that.

33:07We've rumbled. It's been on there. Oh, he's rumbled though? He's on his missus on it. No, he was on there. Somebody, a girl, put him on. He should take the snake to me kitchen. Morale was low. Oh, man. Where me floor? Oh, no, I'm having a bad day, bless him. These are female invite-only forums to catch love rats of the local town. This is where her colleague thought she'd be helpful given her connection through the boyfriend to his old place of work. I played dumb with Gail and wandered off to the then canteen to steal hobnobs whilst I digested the conversation. Come very biscuit heavy there. Now, up to this point, I've not told a soul and here's my dilemma.

33:55Do I be a good wingman and tip him off so that he can attempt to scrub his mugshot from the internet like cum stains off a curtain? Or do I push him for his misdemeanor and tip off his wife knowing full well he'd be back at his parents within a week? Or, option three, do I take this to my grave and die an unsung hero? Thanks, lads. Can't wait to see you at the Newcastle live show soon. the anonymous wingman. See, I just can't get my head round the race. You know, if you're wanting to be a rat, you can't put yourself in photos on the internet, can you, on Tinder and that? Somebody's always... Would you not just be like panicking all the time?

34:42Someone's going to swap. It's only a matter of time before somebody's on there who knows you or recognises you. At the very least, your wife's... Friends? Yeah. Or somebody just in playground three kids is going to be on there. His dilemma, he's thinking, why would he be an unsung hero if he says nothing? I think he's a hero if he does say something. I think he's got to tip him off, hasn't he? Yeah. I mean, there's extremes here of what he does in terms of not being able to make a decision. because he's, right, do I tell my mate or do I tell his wife? Yeah, that's fucking in the bin straight. I don't know why that's even made the list.

35:29That's like 18, maybe 19 down the list. Yeah. Yeah, don't tell his wife. He's just got to ring him up and go... Sort yourself out. What are you doing? Not even so much as that. Just say, do you know what's going on? You're on this fucking Facebook site. Here he is, fucking Gandhi. Come on, come up with some greatness. It's not nice, is it, what he's doing? Well, it's not, is it? Just say, what are you doing, lad? What are you doing, lad? Get yourself off the internet. Stop messing about. If you're not happy, then... Then give half your wages away to her. Not for maintenance. No, but what does he do in terms of his faces on Facebook?

36:15He needs to word them up and go. He just needs to tell him. Yeah. just I don't know how the rules work of that Facebook group but group I think once you're on that's it it's like that you've got a you're on the hit list oh but yeah that's what we say in what's it but what's the decision I think he's got to say something to him yeah yeah he's not an unsung hero if he says nothing no he's a hero if he just pulls up to one side rings him up and go by the way you're on this site so your chops are all over Facebook so it sounds that we're trying to help him out to get out of it, doesn't it? Because what he's doing is fucking outrageous.

36:49Yeah, but the lad email and can't control that. All he can do is... Help him out best he can. Yeah. We know that what he's doing is shit and horrific, but to say nothing... You've caught up on this unsung bit, haven't you? Yeah. This unsung hero. I won't say now and be a true hero. I would say that's dodging the... That's hanging him out of dry, I think. Let him know, and maybe just have a word to the wise as well at the same time. Tinder. Right, is there any brave? Stupid, I'd say. Right, chaps, I am going in. Please keep this anonymous, Capitals. Evening, lads. Sending this on behalf of a mate.

37:36He's a bit of a fanny and wants to stay double anonymous. Oh. Have you heard of Double Anonymous before? What is Double Anonymous? Really anonymous. Like nobody can know. Like KGB stuff. I will play the role of my friend. Let's call him Mark. To keep it straightforward for the listeners, this requires the Three Musketeers' help advice. Strap yourselves in. So I think we're the Three Musketeers, lads. We're more like the Three Amigos. Remember the Three Amigos? I will save all the blah blah bollocks but love the show and when I put it to said fanny he agreed he needs your help. This story starts three years ago when I, Mark, visited Iyer Napa on a lad's holiday after my university sentence.

38:31Whilst in Napa I got talking to a girl and found out she lived very close. Very close indeed. she was an absolute rocket absolute 10 out of 10 and I mean 10 let's call her Keegan as in Michelle kind of Michelle Keegan yes hmm just before you go on so he's somebody's writing in on be and pretending so when he's writing in for him so when he says I went to iron at bat this is the person who needs the advice. Right. One thing lent to another and we hit it off immediately. We exchanged numbers and three years on are still seeing each other. We aren't official, but we don't see anybody else. I have admitted my love for her and vice versa.

39:25I'd say that's pretty official. Weird, I know. Long stint. Weird, I know. What makes it official? Like Facebook status? I'll just tell everybody you've got. I'm going out with the missus. No, just saying, we're together, aren't we? Boyfriend and girlfriend. Girlfriend and boyfriend, aren't we? Low key, yeah. I work away all week and she has a busy life two working nights at the hospital. We then see each other and both believe we are right for each other. Because we'd even discussed an apartment together as we don't live together but haven't met the parents yet until we are properly official. It's a very blasey attitude to this relationship, isn't it?

40:17But they've been together three years and they've proclaimed their love for each other. They've got busy lives and when they see each other, they see each other and they both think they are the one. It's a strange thing to the conversation, especially when you're a bit older, of when do you say are we boyfriend and girlfriend? Like, how do you word it? Yeah. Is this us or what? Yeah. It's got to be low-key, hasn't it? You don't need a big announcement. I was with Rose after probably our fourth date, fifth date, and I got pulled over by police taking her home. And I had to get out of the car and the policeman was like, who's in the car with you?

41:00And I was like, my girlfriend you romantic bastard my girlfriend so that was that that was it it was official from that point here is where it gets interesting very interesting my mum and dad divorced 12 years ago dad found it tough and never dated or wanted to date and was too busy playing golf and just taking life at his home pace so myself and two brothers had a chat with him and all agreed dad should get out there and see what comes of it so he did nothing too strenuous just grow a little more and if anything came from anything he would just be dismissive he would at least give it a try yes it's only like it's only like punishing out just to appease them really, innit?

41:57Yeah, but who knows what might blossom. He did. After about 12 months, he found the one. I have been working away and instead of the usual travelling back and forth, Keegan has been coming down to stay with me on a weekend and then heading back home for the start of her working week. Dad has been continuously seeing his new bit. and things seem to be going very well. He has a spring back in his step and seems to be the happiest bloke as he once was. So they've done goodbye in there, aren't they? Encouraging him to get back out there. What he needed. Met a bird and he's... Spring in his step. He's making an effort again, isn't he?

42:46Fast forward a few months and I am off work for two weeks on leave. That informs me that he and his new bit will be staying at a house. and would be nice if I would meet her. Of course. I want him to be happy and this is what is needed. Fast forward to last Friday. They're going out for a meal. She drives to ours and they plan to head out for the meal. Around 4pm she arrives. Walks in the front door. Dad opens the door to greet her. I can hear her walking down the hall towards the kitchen at the rear of the house. Hi, lovely to meet you, she says. Who, by the way, is also an absolute fucking rocket.

43:36Straight off the top shelf of Millsville. So she's fit and all. Done well for his then, isn't he? It was Keegan's mum. Boom, boom, boom. Sorry, is Keegan there with him? Nope. He just recognises from pictures. I couldn't speak. I just looked at her in complete shock. I did obviously say hello, but I knew who it was as I recognised her from the photos in the house and also Keegan's wallpaper on her phone. Yes. She probably thinks I'm a right-off character from the way I looked at her. Either that or no, she'd get one wooded too. Don't do that when you're doing it. No, no, no. Step too far, that.

44:21I don't think that's the question at the end. Should I thank Keegan's mum? I just feel like we need to get that out there. No, whatever you do, wallop Keegan's mum. As you can imagine, I, at this point, I am totally lost. What do I possibly do? I obviously want Dad to be happy, and if anything, encourage this. I can't break his heart. He's talking about paying for us all to go to Cancun. It'd be lovely if you could bring the girl you've been seen to. You fucker. Imagine that at airport. Wait a minute, I'm not finished yet, Chris. Yeah, because I'd love to see that mic drop at Terminal 2 departures.

45:04All kinds have run through my head. How can we just not say anything? It's impossible. But what do I say? I'm obviously all so fully accepting that I can't keep shagging my sepsis. but why should I stop? I was here first and this is my patch. He's chucking his old man under the bush. Please help out, lads. Anything. Nice one on behalf of Matt. He's overthinking it, isn't he? Surely, Chris. I was going to say, am I the only one here thinking there's absolutely nothing wrong? Nah. In fact, I'd have to be... I think it's quite cute. Yeah. High five your dad at breakfast. It's the kind of story you're going to get about 250 quid from from take a break.

45:47Yeah. you know them women's magazines I don't think you know he's saying do I carry on shagging my stepsister and I'll laugh oh but just get them get her out you're not going to believe this they might fizzle out there's something we need to tell you you're not going to believe this and you'll have a laugh about it exactly yeah I think he's overthinking it overthinking the reaction for a start because it's going to be it's just one of them things you're like fuck me that is outrageous what are the chances What are the chances? And like we mentioned, very similar to what we talked about in the last episode.

46:21Makes Christmas Day a lot easier. Would you be rooting through your dad's laundry? No. Or Keegan's mum's knickers. She's fit. No, John. She's fit? No. Oh, John, you've gone mad. You're really creepy there. What? Well. No. You sure? Yeah, but like, we've had this discussion over numerous weeks. That's not my game, that, by the way. Well, clearly it is. But we've had this discussion weeks ago that even if there was an attractive lady staying at my house, I wouldn't be going through the laundry basket for her knickers. What about if you just saw them at the top of the stairs? If they were there, you had to step over them to get to your bedroom.

47:06What? You went out last night. You went out last night and you're horny. What am I doing? I'm asking you. Just step straight over them. Yeah. Nice little red thongy number. What else are you going to do with them? Pop and sniff the fucking thing. Pop on your head? Yeah. Whilst masturbating. But no, just saying, inevitably what's happened, I've been seeing Keegan for three years. I think both come together, invite them round. We've got something to tell you. To be fair, would it be good crack to word his dad up and go, by the way, I'm seeing so-and-so's daughter why don't we fix it where she comes around with him but don't tell the man.

47:52What, then love just blossoms? No, just like, and then they're going to get a shock, aren't they, them two? Yeah. And it'll be a big... Hooray! Yeah, that's it. What kind of reveal are you going for? No, it's not a reveal, just... No, I think you should do a reveal. What, like a poster? Yeah, just... No, just get it standing in wardrobe, like in cupboard and kitchen until you'll never guess who I've been seeing. And then... Ta-da! But like Blind It. Yeah. Like Blind It. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah. Imagine the goose pimples that Keegan's going to get when she walks in, planning on meeting a fella's dad's new missus, and it's a mum just stood there.

48:33That's the thing. Who does he tell first? Does he tell his dad? He's got to tell his dad. I think tell your dad and go, dad. Honestly. I don't think you can do that. Why? I think you've got to tell her first, don't you? no she's not gonna be annoyed that you've had the conversation with your dad because you got it with her there's a good chance that this scenario is gonna happen on the flip side for her oh this is me I've just started seeing this fella real of oh oh that looks a lot like fucking my fella's father yeah that's good it's gonna happen all the way in it yeah so speak to your dad just say look dad you're not like I'm not even bantering you're not gonna believe of it, but it says she's called, I don't know, Angela.

49:17I've been seeing Angela's daughter for three years. What are we going to do? Go for a meal. Dad arranges it with daughter and Keegan, like mother and daughter, so that you're last to arrive. You turn up, dressed as Mrs Doubtfire. It's been a while since Mrs Doubtfire's been in the payments, but I think this is perfect. Far from perfect, Chris. Far from perfect. First thing is speak to her about it. Yeah. I think. You're just like, never guess what? My dad. I went down to my dad's and your mum was here. They started seeing each other. And my dad has got the fucking biggest cock I've ever seen in my life.

50:10She's going to make your mum so happy you'll not believe. Yeah, I suppose you could do it. You could do it, tell your missus and then the tricks on them two, on the mum and dad. Yeah, I think that's the best way to go about it. That's it. She needs to turn up as Mrs. Doubtfire. Right. Yes. Mrs. Doubtfire in the bin. And then he's like, well, what's going on here? She's a bit old for him, isn't it? I don't know who's Doubtfire and who's what here. Who's got the mask on? It goes on, at least get through appetisers as Mrs. Doubtfire. And then they're both looking at each other because you're going out with this old lady, the teeth fall out and all that stuff.

50:46And then next minute, surprise, pulls the latex mask off. I think when people... That'd be good, that. Do you know what I think when people email in, Chris? I think they're wanting sensible advice. Picture Mrs. Doubtfire. Tell her your dad's got a massive cock and your mum's going to love it. he's got a point that's maybe a little bit too far but the Doubtfire face off and everything keep it realistic why have you come dressed as Mrs Doubtfire? well like Chrissie said didn't he yeah it turned into a bit of fun but I don't know if that's just what I would do I think you need to speak to your Mrs first in terms of what he seems to be struggling with being his stepsister and all that.

51:35Just chuck all that in pain. That's not an issue. That's fucking way, way, way down the line, isn't it? He's quite cute, like I said. It is. It's a nice story. I mean, what's the... You know, if it does progress to marriage and stuff, is there any... Is there going to be any technicalities? You've got legal again, isn't it? I don't think so. I'm just thinking. I don't think so. Ten years' time. Not at all. Hello magazine and paying for a double marriage. His dad can marry so-and-so. He can marry Keegan. Yeah, there's no problem. It's only like a terminology in it. The step. That is what you could do.

52:11You could save a fortune on the wedding. Double. Stepdad needs to think about that because he's paying for the bastard. I'd say what would be incredible. If one of the brides came dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, that would be fantastic. Do you want to hear a song about a fellow shitting himself in a suit of mine? Do I? Go on.

52:54What's Gary Baldi? I don't know. It was a picture of pasta. Is that a... Is it Garibaldi pasta? I don't know. Is that a make, a brand? Maybe. I'm going to have a look now. But the fellow that sent us it said, now we know why the big man shops at Asda. So I think he's insinuating that you should sell. Oh, but I'm from Aldi. Do you shop at Aldi? Where do you shop? Where's your shop of choice? Do you know what? Someone couldn't get their head around the other day, and I don't know if we spoke about this, that I do the shop every day. You know, people do a big shop. I'm guilty of that sometimes. Are you a big shop man, John?

53:27We do a big... She does a big shop, yeah, but she also goes to the shop every day. Do you go as well? On the big shop. I quite like going to the big shop. Now we go as all of us go. But what's the point of doing a big shop if you're going to go to the shop every day anyway? Just get what you want for that day. Just for the essentials, like breakfasts for kids, yogurts. We get six pints of milk every day a week. That's outrageous. You know when people go, I'll get some chicken for Thursday. I'm like, what if I don't fancy chicken on Thursday? I'll go to the supermarket and go, what do I fancy? I fancy mints.

54:03I'll get mints. See, we're a food box wankers. There's a wanker. Yeah. Oh, are you? The Hello Fresh and Flipping. Bang on that one. Who's the other one? Gusteau. And then she gets some green one as well, which is quite good, actually. Why, is she a vegan wanker? No, but we get the vegan one, but then put meat in it. So what, I'll go to the supermarket to get meat. and get me should get a vegan karma how stupid is this should get vegan karma but it does taste better because I think they've got to make up for it with the flavours and then oh well I've got well I've got Tess go and get some chicken for this karma prime example I'll finish the gym go to Aldi say what do I fancy I fancy a steak and just get whatever I want the thing is if you go in Aldi repeat you go in in for a steak and you're coming out with a canoe yeah as soon as you get there in that middle aisle crocs I got him in some crocs the other day he doesn't even need any crocs I bought some weights the other day I didn't want the dumbbells but I bought some I bought a joint of gammon the other day because I really like gammon it's one meat that I would never total lie total disdain it out I don't want that massive piece of bacon you're fucking having it you want fried egg, pineapple no, neither neither?

55:23No, I did it with curly fries, beans or spaghetti. You could have whichever you wanted. Beans? What the gammon? Oh, fucking God bless you. That's a 12-year-old's tea, that, isn't it? Some turkey diners for your supper. Turkey dinosaurs on the side. Turkey dinosaurs are fucking massively underrated. You know what my favourite teas? Gammon steak, beef burger, mushrooms. That's two teas. Gammon steak, beef burger, some fried mushrooms, curly fries, spaghetti hoops. Do you buy the curly flies? Are you sick? It's unbelievable, isn't it? I don't eat, I genuinely don't eat no shit like that. I don't have shit teas anymore.

56:19You know, like a shit tea, like a, is that a shit tea that you've just described? that's a shit tea i don't have them she cooks from fresh out time would you just are they pre-packed curly fries like that bag yeah yeah i love the way that he just has that little glint in his eye when he goes oh no we always cook from fresh we always cook from freshers at ours oh no i'm not happy with this snob yeah like but in reality i'm not happy with it if you were living on your own you'd be on turkey dinosaurs curly fries it's not necessarily because i used to I go to butchers I get a nice cut you know on a Saturday morning I get a nice cut you know I'm going to cook some up in the afternoon Do you know what?

56:59That's how I used to really like He's the food wanker Yeah New kind of wanker So that's how I used to like Without cooking it himself

57:11Tesco's Speciality Second hand food snob I'm going to fucking hit him in a minute Tesco's What's it called at Tesco's? That the finest Tesco's finest he's a snob he's on finest so I'd get a cottage pie or a shepherd's pie Tesco's finest put that in veg gravy that'd be a lovely tea I thought you were cooking from fresh when I were on my own dickhead right okay and then every second night I'd have curly fries and a pizza he's one of them as well he's got cottage pie at the oven and then he's like oh yeah mate I've rustled up a cottage pie there was a time when 25 minutes 220 in dark was it darfield used to live we got back from a london thing and you made us summer and it's on my instagram and you were both pissed and you come over with a thingy of beans and on the video you just put some beans on my plate and i need to get it because there's definitely waffles on there for a prison meal yeah and i need to see what was on plate because it was a classic pre-snob meal i like i like shit food me you know uh potato waffles like a potato waffle smiley faces yeah i'm focusing on the potato world you know like turkey drumsticks back in the day uh burn and matthews yeah that i like i like that sort of snap but obviously she cooks most days i hope i didn't delete it because i did a call on me um So this is like, it's probably about 1 o 'clock at morning.

58:49I've gone through freezer. I've gone through anything. Everything in freezer, even them three peas and a couple of scampi at back. Not the peas. Scampi. I like scampi. Anything processed. Scampi, curly fries and beans. What about microwave pizzas? What were they called? Chicago Town. Chicago Town. I can see you on a Chicago Town. I always burn my mouth on them, though, because I can't let them rest. Cool, then.

59:45your sleep from okay to very high. Know your sleep score with Apple Watch, iPhone 11 or later required. Zootopia 2 has come home to Disney+. Let's go! Get ready for a new case. We're gonna crack this case and prove we're the greatest partners of all time. New friends. You are Gary the Snake. And your last name? The Snake. Dream team. New habitats. Zootopia has a secret reptile population. You can watch the record-breaking phenomenon at home. You're clearly working at it. Zootopia 2, now available on Disney Plus Rated PG. Hiya lads, want to share a story I was recently reminded of after bumping into an old mate that I haven't seen in years.

1:00:31Circa 2000, Belfast. I hope I've not read this before. On our Xmas night out with the football team at Bot Bar with everybody steaming as usual and getting near chucking out time. Now, finding taxis on back then was a nightmare. So me, Peter, I don't know if he's, has he said anything about anonymous? No, Peter, and my mate Bruce, to get ahead of the curve, decided to leave five minutes early. Like that, bit of forward thinking. Pishing rain outside and no sign of taxis, I said to Brucey, follow me. as I walked confidently towards a hotel a few doors down the street with the idea if we ring a taxi from the hotel, we can sit in the comfort while it arrives.

1:01:19There was a night porter on, and he was letting guests in and out if you had a room number. When I got to the door, he asked, Room number, please. Straight away, 407. To which he replied, We don't have numbers that go that high. So you've got to go 108. eight yeah yeah there's definitely a one in there yeah at that moment another guest behind us tripped and fell on the steps and the porter ran over to help so we slipped in along the empty reception desk and took a peek at the handwritten guest book picking room number 112 missing a map britain and sat down in a fairly packed residence lounge the porter after all the commotion sees us and we think fuck we're rumbled.

1:02:04Sorry lads, what number did you say? 112 pal, Brucey baby replied in a thick Glaswegian accent as I'm shocked because he's Belfast born and fuck knows where Brucey's got his Glaswegian lunacy from. Can I get you a drink lads? Bruce, two beers pal and a platter of sandwiches. Just put it on me room, 112. too. So the beer's come and five minutes later a platter of sandwiches and we tuck in. Crowd sitting next to us see the sandwiches and we say tuck in lads, there's plenty. Munching away, having the crack with these ones who have come up from Dublin and Bruce still going full Glaswegian. They ask why he's over in Belfast.

1:02:52We're part of Louis Walsh's new boy band Langside. We've been in the studio you all dear laying down a few tracks. At that point, the older man in their group pulls a chair closer and says, I know Louis, he's kept this one quiet. Fuck, we've been rumbled. He then proceeds to regale stories of him and Louis Walsh working in the music industry over the past few years and got very annoyed telling us how Bono had stolen his lyrics from With or Without You from and he hadn't seen a penny. We were getting into it deep, so I went to the porter and asked if he could call a taxi. The older lad kept insisting on getting us another drink, but our taxi had arrived, and taking no for an answer, called the porter over.

1:03:37Get these lads a couple of travellers, and stick them on my bill with these sandwiches and all. It's classy, that one. It's the least we could do after eating most of them. 112, Matt Britton. The porter, with a look of what the fuck's happening here, suddenly clocks. We've pulled a fast one, smirks and lets me and Bruce off scot-free with a couple of bottles of beer in our hands. We hop in the taxi happy as two men called Larry telling the driver the whole story. The driver says, fucking hell, you've made me night with that one. Do you want to charge the fur to the hotel as well? Because that's not a problem.

1:04:20Sure, why not? We give him a tip and the rest is now history. Anyway, hope you all like the story. not much fingering or BJ's in there but a story nonetheless up the cosh Pete classic I like stuff like that me and you know if that happened to me and somebody put stuff on my room I'd have like on my sound fair play yeah credit where credit's due yeah but the fact that it's the same who you've just been talking to that's have we sport recently when we left Chester Racers we left Chester Racers early there was about 10 of us I think was pissing down or something so he was like let's go and you kind of come out the race course and there's a bar on the corner with like an outside terrace so like come on we'll get in here and one of the lads sounds similar to this boy bit of a blagger and he's seen the clipboard booked for 5 o 'clock table for 14 whatever so he's claimed to be this group and they said, oh, you're a little bit early, but follow me.

1:05:27It was a thousand pound spend, minimum spend. On the bar? On the bar. And we've just gone under this outside terrace, under the umbrella. And he's come over and he went, right, lads, we've got half an hour. Do what you can. Do what you can. Do what you can. And they should have seen the platters that were coming over. It was that many gin and tonics, J.D.'s. See, there's casualties there. I know. It's bad. But it's the same ilk, isn't it? It's right up there, isn't it? As soon as five o 'clock came, right, we're off. Because there was a party had just arrived. We've gone. Leg death. Have you walked out or have you...

1:06:09We went out in one and two. Oh, no, it skips and jumped out. We walked out and then... Waddled, though, without a full. Yeah. But we were down in London and we were... After playoffs, I think. And some two lasses have come. We're a big platter. You know, like these big... You know, like everything on. Two of these, two lasses, and we just put them on. Cheers, love, thank you, thank you. Come, put them on, like, looking JCB's going in crane. You know what, lads, eating them and eating them and eating them. Ten minutes later, this poor lass, come on, she says, look, they were for that table there, the big group of lasses on another table somewhere over there.

1:06:50She says, what do you want to do about the bill? I said well to be fair I never ordered it did you order it no did you order it and you see that's where you've got to hold your hands up and say yeah we'll pay for him you've had your fun but do you know what I mean I've not eaten enough to pay for him that's coming out of her wages talking about his accent and that and some good life lesson do you think you'll know for next time love don't you check the table we've all done we've all done prickish stuff haven't we yeah right gents up the cosh if Reading show coming up Newcastle sold out and Cardiff I'm going to go again because I didn't make the cut last week talking about slipping fingers up bums I don't know if you purposely left it out I think you might have there was a song wasn't there oh yes yes no no no because we've had an unbelievable response to your Pokeybum Wanks and other emailers just saying it's underrated and there's a perfect song for it so enjoy see you next week yeah message into the Friday group you know like does anybody like shit what's your favourite shit tea do you know like spam egg and chips yeah sausage egg and chips sausage egg and chips like it's like corned beef, innit?

1:08:22I've never been a fan of that and it's nothing to do with being a snob. Is that Peck? Peck and Spam. They're both very similar. Spam's rank. Spam? He's a bit of a snob, you know. He's a fucking moron. That's what he is. Spam is rank. It's just not good. To cook it up, it's shit. I know it is. Yeah, I know. It's just texture and salt. Yeah, I know. It's shit. Nice, isn't it? tastes nice he's changed he would have had that before we started doing this it tastes nice Spam it's not bloody 1947 times have moved on I tell you what you only eat canned meat canned meat who's eating canned meat you know you're talking about shit I was far fish is different I tell you what is bad stag chilli that's shit see I don't mind I'm up the course I'm waiting for a wee see this It all depends on whether he likes it, doesn't it?

1:09:20If he likes it, it's not wank. I don't mind making a chilli sometimes and then just chucking a can of stag in as well. Beef it out a bit. I don't even know what stag is. Stag chilli. It's a chilli in a can. Stag chilli. It's good. Right, I'll see you in the morning. Better than spam. Spam just sounds horrific, doesn't it? Spam, spam, spam.

1:09:49Why don't you slip a finger in my dear My Winky is getting all the fun, it's unfair My back door seldom gets visitors I wouldn't mind if you slip a digit in there There's a naughty little spot in there If you can reach it, it's like turning on a tap for a man. I know you want me to fill you right up, my darling. So get poking and find that button if you can. Slip a finger in my dear. Jam it up there and fulfill my wildest dreams Or slip a finger in my dear You'll get an extra inch and a bucket load of cream

1:11:02I tried it once before a long time ago Her thumb burrowed like a mole underground