Friday Club | The Bone Smuggler

0:29This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. experience home to America. As the exclusive Spanish-language home of the tournament in the U.S., Telemundo is set to present its most expansive coverage ever. 700 hours of programming, live on-site presence at all 104 matches, and with multi-view and real-time 4K, Xfinity will deliver the most innovative and immersive sports viewing experience for fans watching on Telemundo, Peacock, Fox, and FS1. Learn more at comcastcorporation.com.

1:00Hey, hey, it's the Friday Club. The weekend's here, get in that pub. It's Friday Club. Bing, bang, bosh. With all of your favourites from under the cuss. So if you want to share a story or relive a form of glory, butter the wheat or clapping them cheeks, maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank. It's all here on the Friday Club.

1:26It's all here on the Friday Club. Would you rather have sex with your cousin and nobody ever finds out? It's just you and them that know what happened. Or not have sex with your cousin, but everyone, and I mean everyone, thinks you have had sex with them, basically nicknamed the Cousin Chaga. I'll just try and get it over as quick as possible. Which cousin? Would you, though? Would you rather that than everybody think you had? Yeah. Which cousin? Ah, Rachel. No. It's a bad ending, isn't it? Whichever way you look at it. Second cousin? Yeah, you can let a second slip. No, but it's his first cousin, for the benefit of the question.

2:14You see, that comes down to what's worse. Your own personal, oh, shouldn't have done that, or the perception of everybody else. Is she fit? I don't know. Yeah, for the benefit. Yeah. What are you doing? I'm going to have to go everyone thinks I do really everyone thinks I did yeah and it would be horrific because imagine walking into a cafe restaurant bar people tapping at each other going that's him that er cousin yeah but to be fair I've got shit loads of cousins like loads loads and loads so I don't know half of them so it wouldn't be like you know I'm seeing them at Christmas and stuff yeah just do that is there anything that we could shag no I'm kidding so yeah stimulating question for the start of this week's episode yeah we've not answered you've not answered yeah just did then what you shagging a distant cousin no no it's not distant first cousin she lives a long way away you don't know she's living in Australia or something you don't know her that well yeah interesting but yeah somebody sent it in and it set a debate with him and his mates You said it's split opinion.

3:28Yeah, or you said it might get heated. But we haven't been heated. No, we've not been heated. See, that's what's worse. Everybody thinking that you've done something or actually doing something that you're a bit ashamed of. Are we good? Very good. Where are we, Derby? First time we've ever recorded in Derby, this. By the way, what a gaff this is. Yeah. Odwire's Irish Bar. We're here at the weekend. You're in tonight, aren't you? Tonight, yeah. I thought it was Friday. oh I see what you're doing I see what you're doing what what what what chants we got what chants have we got ah ah ah that laugh just reminded me er when we went to Dubai we were in the pool and we got we ended up getting talking to some German Austrian Austrian Austrian fella and he laughed like that ah ah but it just reminded me right so we're in the pool talking to this guy and it was an exaggeration I guarantee right then it was like oh I'd love to fetch the kids over to to watch a Premier League game so we told him that we do a podcast and whatever and he was half impressed I'd love to fetch the kids over to a Prem game he went I can get you tickets no bother absolute just fabrication bullshit fabrication He says, what game would you like to go and see?

4:55He says, oh, probably a Man City one. I can get you tickets for Man City, no problem. Absolutely no problem at all. Right, so I'm like... Just wash your hands of it. Pretty much, yeah. Yeah, I'll let him. Do you want to tell you what actually happened? Wait a minute, I'm not finished. They exchanged numbers. Because he said, oh, well, I can get you some tickets for a game in Austria. Where were they? Austria. Austria. They're like, oh, sound, sound. Anyway It's come to bite your back It bum, hasn't it? He's been in touch, hasn't he? He's been in touch Asking for tickets for arse I'll tell you what actually happened Any tickets, he said Any game, any tickets No, I don't think You're so full of shit That bit's a bit of exaggeration He said Oh, we want to go to A game in England He said We'd love to go Man City But what tickets are And I said Oh, fucking hell You get tickets Man City, no problem No fucking goals I can get tickets From Man City, he said And then he No, I didn't and then he went oh could you get us some if we ever come over I said yeah yeah I'll ring up ticket office for you and get some no problem while we're over here not I can get tickets to any game no problem so why has he then come over and asked for Arsenal tickets you must have led him down the garden path into thinking you can get tickets to everybody Chris Ticketmaster here so good luck with that one I said Man City tickets no problem I would in between John talking about how big the pitch is at Wembley because he was getting these video goals.

6:25He said, give me the note. He went, get me goals up on YouTube. No way. He did. That's a fabrication, Shula. John, John, John. Thing is, I know this could be true because he's done it in the kebab shop in Germany. You'll choose which of them stories to believe. I believe that you've promised tickets to any club. I think it's one of them, you've found yourself in too deep to the point where you're like, yeah, yeah, sound. But I also think he's got his goals up. By the way, it's catching the old exaggerating stories. You see in the Friday Club group, put a photo in the Friday Club group, there's a few hairs in the bottom of the bath.

7:13He's blatantly seen me have a shave. So I'm sat off of my bed, I've got a towel on the floor, I've had my shave, it was quite long, it really needed to do in. So I then took the towel into the bathroom, flicked it into the bath. Why the bath? That was my point of sending the picture, but he's picking up on the fact that I've said it's pubes and not thingy. He knows it's my beard. No, my point is that you put it in the bath and there were stubborn bastards and I couldn't get it down the sink. So I've had a bath, shower, in your hair. Well, if I try to get it in the toilet, I'm going to miss. You can't miss the bath, can you?

7:46So that's why I put them in the bath. and then once you've had your shower and I've got in the shower and I've cleaned it off. It just wasn't pleasant. Did you do that at home? No, I went back garden. I get me wired out at back, uh, back window at kitchen. I do it in kitchen. Cold in winter. I did hear a good technique for shaving your pubes. Sitting on the toilet the other way. Straight in. Yeah, that's a good idea. One of them. Straight down. Archie the cat as requested oh my god by the way this is yeah morning again gents so if you think back the end of a story I think it was the mattress one last week when he's jumped on the mattress yeah mam's fanny not his mamma at the end he mentioned Archie the cat here's a little tale about Archie the cat from the mother-in-law last week when they were all around for a succulent Chinese meal chicken sweet corn soup prawn crackers half a duck with pancakes beef in black bean sauce with fried rice if you're asking party that's not that's not that's not bad it's a strong order i hope this event translates as well in black and white as to when i heard it in person this is a true story and a cracker for a non-sexual story to tide you lads over for the next eight or nine weeks anyway my mother-in-law karen had been out with her best friend let's call her sophie Sophie has always been an emotional character And often randomly breaks out into tears over nothing And often ignored But on this occasion She was crying every few minutes She's fucking roaring again She's crying again She's crying again She's crying again She's crying again She's crying again She's crying again She's crying again She's crying again So Karen's asked what the matter was Sophie's cat Archie had gone missing earlier in the week And after two or three days they really started to worry shouting Archie down the road.

9:39You see, you've got to have a box of biscuits. Do you think? Oh, that's what I used to do when we had cats. Once we get in at night, just set the biscuits in. Archie. Shouting Archie down the road and asking all the neighbours if they'd seen him. To no avail. A sick to the stomach Sophie was driving around outskirts of the city looking everywhere for this cat. when on a main road she saw something strewn across the dual carriageway absolutely pancake to the floor. Oh no. Barely recognisable. She jumped out and of course she broke down in tears. It was Archie who she could recognise from having one odd coloured sock and strange teeth.

10:24They're all going to be strange if he's been fucking... If a Sierra's going to have a top of him they're all going to be Brock, aren't they? It's not a laughing matter, John. It is. All she had with her was some baby wipes and a cooler box in the boot. So she began scooping up mush. Oh, no. And placing it in the cooler box before driving home. When she gets to the door, she explains to her husband, and obviously everybody's all very upset. I can't quite fathom this. Maybe because I'm not an animal lover, but stricken with grief she didn't want Archie left to be alone that night. It's not a laughing matter.

11:08She wants fucking sex with it. So she went to bed with the sealed cooler box next to her. The next day is the burial. So with the back door open and the cooler box in hand Sophie is shouting out the cat's name. Archie. Poor Archie. Cue suspense. Is she burying the cooler box or tip? I think she'll have to go for the tip, I think. No, you can't tip. It's better in the cooler box because it's going to be harder for the dog to dig it up. If she's emotional as it is, can you imagine the tip? Archie's innards just mush everywhere. The bent teeth. Cue the suspense, slads. Meow. Archie's turned up at the back door.

12:00and just scurries back in. So, now Sophie's left with a cooler box of cat remains in her hand after an absolute emotional rollercoaster. She's left with a moral obligation. She explains to her husband that some other poor family are upset, not knowing what's happened to their cat. So she's going to take the remains to a vet and see if they can find a tag, which is quite a nice gesture. I think that's good me, yeah. I do, actually. Can you just picture the scene when she puts this cooler box on desk at vets? I've got a dead cat in here. Any chance of trying to find a chip? So can she take this fucking cooler box to them and give them closure?

12:43Oh, that's... When you put it like that, it seems a bit weird, doesn't it? Yeah, but nice, because if they are worried about the cat, they could be putting posters up and offering rewards and all sorts of things. Moments later... It's the clinging to hope. The vet appears and says to Sophie, the bad news is we couldn't find the tag. The good news is it's not a cat, it's a wild rabbit.

13:09The daft bitch have been walking around for two days with a mushed up rabbit in the cooler box. The daft bitch. See, I'm going to put it down to grief that. Well, it's just said at the end, isn't it mad what grief can do to a person? Yeah, she's in despair, wouldn't she? And it's a nice gesture, taking it to the vets, because obviously, as you said, another family could, not looking for the cat no more, rather, but fucking hell, fire, what a sloppy cow. No, it was a rabbit. Been a big collar box, hasn't it? You've got to look for the collar, first and foremost. I'm sure he's got a collar on. If it's not there, it's not Archie.

13:51I don't think he had a collar, Chris. Well, then she's no one else to blame but herself. But she's obviously, she's put two and two together to get five. She's just so mush and thought, that's our Archie that. Get him in the box. Yeah, I totally agree. I think daft bitch. Yeah. I'm perfectly honest. Right, I'm going in. All right, you fine chaps. I've got two stories for you. One about the perils of online dating, similar to the story featured a couple of weeks ago, the dog's bed. remember that one and an erotic and amusing tale about the first time I had sex with my fiance so take your pick enjoy them both I did read the second one earlier and I'll be honest he could have a future in erotic novels this lad I want that one then yeah fuck the first one I'll go with the first one dating deception why ask us the fucking question if you just ignore us anyway just keep everybody keep everybody teetering on the edge I'll take you back to when Tinder first arrived on the scene.

14:51Can't remember the exact year, but I was in my mid-twenties and fresh out of a five-year relationship filled with average sex, petty arguments and no blowjobs. Yes, you read that correctly. No blowjobs. In five years. What? Five years is a long time. I think you're getting out after what? Two months? Anyway, the breakup was mutual and I'll admit it didn't take long for me to download tinder and get swiping within hours i'd match with a girl who was fairly local she had a beautiful face naturally pretty dark skinned with curly dark hair lovely just before you carry on chris how far would you travel i think it depend on the communication thus far so if you're all the individual if you're thinking i'm getting In a blowjob?

15:46How far are you travelling for it? Just that. Well, minimum blowjob? Two hours. Two?

15:57By foot? How far are you walking? Six mile? No, four. How long will that take? An hour? I'd walk an hour. In the rain? 20 minutes an hour. Three mile. An hour? Yeah, three miles. snow on the ground pissing it down snow on the ground you've only got a pair of new ones rain, wind yeah snow any season putting their head down and battling on how far you're travelling crampons erm I'm not putting loads of effort in what if you're on a dry spell six months yeah you're in one of them spells you used to have see I think it all depends in the moment doesn't it where you are what the conversation's like what she's like You've been out Friday, Saturday.

16:45It's Sunday, you've had your mackerel, you've started to feel a bit better. Yeah. A couple of hours? Yeah. I'm thinking Dorset is the farthest I'm going from, Barsley. No further than Dorset. We get on like a house on fire. The usual pleasantries soon lead to flirting, which led to a proposed meet-up. Something seemed fishy, though, as her profile only had pictures of her face. So I asked how tall she was on the premise that I'm 6 '4 and have a preference for a taller girl rather than someone who's petite. And then he's putting brackets. That's a lie, by the way. I fucking love petite ones. Correcting yourself on your own email.

17:32You're not just deleting the last line and half. I'm 5 '8 and size 12. Will I do? She says. That'll do rightly. So we arrange a meet the next night. I'd pick her up and we'd head out for a few drinks, standard. Fast forward 24 hours and the messages turn sexual. There'll be no drinks tonight, she just wants walloping, which I'm more than happy to do. However... Are you thinking two and a half hours now? That's just added 30 minutes of journey, isn't it? Yeah. I arrive at her house and the door opens. I look up, look up some more, and there she is. filling the doorway. Yes.

18:16Her face was pretty as it was in her photos but 5 foot 8 and size 12 not a chance. She was as tall as me and as wide as a wardrobe. She'd have no problem playing live back in the NFL. I know what you're thinking she's a fatty. She wasn't. I wouldn't even say she was curvy. I don't mind curvy, by the way. She was just very well covered. Solid, in fact. Everything about her was big. A bit like you. Just think party. Thick set. What, with longer brown hair? Yeah. But as it was all in proportion, she sort of carried it well. Again, yeah. So she's just a big, solid... She's just a big piece of kit, isn't she?

19:03And everything's in proportion. Big hands. Big feet. but why would she tell me she's 5 '8 and a size 12? I couldn't figure it out. She invites me in, and I have to accept. I obviously look shocked as she constantly asks me what's wrong. Nothing, nothing. Just nervous, that's all. Which prompts her to try and break the ice with a bit of kissing and touching that sent shivers down my spine, and not in a good way. You've got yourself in a really bad position. You're better off just saying no at the door or just turn in and run in. It takes a brave man to do that, though. What, turn and run? Yeah, and say no, I'm not coming in.

19:47What, brave thing because you think she might beat you up? No, just... Oh, because you want it. I've got to travel two and a half hours for this. We sit down for a drink and the nerves started to ease. Despite my fears, the conversation started to flow and although her face was still very beautiful, albeit a bit big, I questioned whether I could actually go ahead with this until I was put in a situation where I had no choice. Sat on the sofa together, her Hulk hands started to wander both on me and her. As the lob wedge turned into a one-wood, she started to unzip my jeans with one hand whilst teasing herself with the other.

20:30I'm now past the point of no return. Yeah, probably there. She undresses and kneels down in front of me The floor creaks under the strain

20:45He's added that in for effect That did not happen The carpet All I'm focused on is her face And what was a fantastic set of calcium tanks This made things a little bit easier And not to mention harder Any nerves that remained soon disappeared, and she wrapped her mouth around me. This is getting quite sexual now. And what followed can only be described as one of the best blowjobs I have ever had. I knew it was going to be good. Five years out as well. I knew it was going to be good. And still to this day, he's clarified. Well, the problem is if you've got really big hands, it makes you look a little bit smaller, doesn't it?

21:30Yeah. She teased me for what seemed like an eternity. taking me to the brink before slowing things down then starting again. That's a skill. Her knowing when to ease off the gas. When she was ready she made me come on her face and her breasts and she loved every bit of it. I'm enjoying it. Looking pleased with herself she headed upstairs and told me to wait for her in the bedroom. I heard the bathroom door close and the shower start to run. so I like that as well she's going to wash her ass hospitality then I made a decision that I am ashamed of I immediately blocked her and left no faking an asthma attack I just forest gumped it and ran that's horrendous isn't it man that is horrendous she's just done that for you can you imagine when she's heard clapper letterbox in shower this door's shut Or she's come down in some skimpy gear and he's not there.

22:34So is that what we're thinking? That she's gone up to get herself ready for the main event? She's been presumptuous, hasn't she? Yeah. I mean, with me, I only need five, ten minutes. But you, lads, you need an hour and a half to, don't you? I mean, I'm not blocking her and I'm not running, but that's me for the night. I'm not going back in. That's why I'm a better lover than you, Chris. What would you guys have done? Run, fired in, or questioned her lie? That is a point. She has catfished him a bit. Yeah, but he's just fucking blurted all over her kite. Either way, the five-year drought was over, and what a way to end it.

23:12Blocking and leaving is extreme, isn't it? See, the thing is, right, she has got a pretty face, and she's got a really good set of cans. And she's not massive, is she? She's just big. I think he'd go up there and might as well make a night of it. Yeah, I think he needs to just... There's got to be a moment of acceptance, hasn't there? I mean, granted, she's pulled the wool over his eyes. She shouldn't have done that. I know, but she's more than made up for that, Chris. And then she's just said, I know what I've done. I know I've lied to you, but I'll make it up to you. So, basically, the only lie that she's told is the 5 '8 one, hasn't she?

23:49Or the size 12. Yeah. But the actual pictures... Are her face. Yeah, are her face. and there's obviously a bit of insecurity oh not at all not at all she has more more than made up for them little white porkies for me there's nothing wrong with a big girl it just wasn't his personal preference and he was expecting something much different so are you going up and trying to finish job, trying to have another go I wouldn't be running out of her just because she may have exaggerated her slimness size I just don't know if I'd have been able to, even if Cat Slater was upstairs, I don't think I'd have been able to.

24:31Go again? Yeah. That's a me problem, lads. Probably Ellis' fault. Yeah, I'm getting it 10.15. What do you reckon is your turnaround time? Realistically, I reckon I could turn around quickly, but there isn't the want there. It's like, do I have to? But I probably could get myself revved up, but half an hour? Sometimes not all about you Chris. I know. She wants you revved up in ten. Did that happen? No. That can't happen to you will it? Looks so she's gone upstairs to wash the Harry Monk off her kite. But I'm not doing that in the first place. What if you've not had a good blood up for five years Chris?

25:13I know but still. You still? I'm not. Whoa slow down slow down. Yeah. Steady steady steady steady. I'm playing the long game. Reverse. Slow down Biggun. Just to follow up with that, I have got another one Quick one here Hi lads, story from a couple of episodes ago About a lad who faked an asthma attack To get away from the catfish Reminded me of a story I run my own sports injury clinic In Nuneaton And a patient of mine was telling me about her friend Who went on a date She said, I've got a friend who's lovely She's got a lovely face But she's a bit on the large side She had started online dating And had arranged to meet a man online This is very similar.

26:23in. Good idea, she said. She'd never thought of that before. So she goes back to the house, turns on a couple of lights and as she walks back to the car he drives off.

26:47That's twatish behaviour, right? But I think I can drive off when she's in the house putting the lights on. You need to wait for it to come back. It's making it even worse for her that she's like, she's going to put her hand out to get the door handle. It's just going, whoosh, wheel spins. That's cool, that. That is cool. The whole thing's a bit not nice, but the wait until she's walking back down the path, that's cruel. Imagine, in all seriousness, imagine how she must have felt after that. I know. Yeah. That's harsh. I think, I think you've got to, Based on just how she looks You could have gone for a drink I know I think I took a throat drive through Got her a snap And then dropped her off Said it's not working for me this love Did I tell you when I got done by a bar stool A bar table When I was younger I was at Doncaster And I think it was the night we won the league So we'd all gone out In walkabout And I got speaking to her lass But she was sat They call it a bar table I know the bar stools The high ones high table so you could just see the top oh alright up very good so I got got a number and then arranged to meet her in the week and she was I think she was a student so I drove into the town and parked up strategically so I'd be able to see her coming out it was a trilogy the nightclub trilogy oh she'd gone to pick her up after a night ah yeah she'd been out and this is a few days later you didn't have to back to mine were you no it was it was when I'd done it the first time oh I'm gonna say it was the first time so i was only 18 19 and i parked up and thought if i'll see i'll be able to see her because i still didn't know if she was five foot eight size 12 or what and every it was one of them was quite a good game of oh is it this one could it please be her oh for the fuck's sake walk past my car do you know what i mean what have you got lined up when she gets in the car back to mine so it was like yeah 12 12 o 'clock sir and then this one's come out and i was hoping that it wasn't her and it was

29:01and then the next thing the doubt the door's open and she's in oh

29:09i'm interested to see how you're going to get out of this well i'll put it to use first of all what would your who's do ah big big like Mandy Dingle big yeah she was a big girl but let's just say out of your your preferences yeah yeah she was at my cup of tea I'm being very diplomatic this week yeah but was she still really pretty yeah yeah was it I mean I don't know I was pissed but she still not why you picked her up no when I met her man right no she was how how I remembered but I just never seen her stood up or do you know what I mean? It's what he was doing. She's in the car. She's in the car.

29:49I think you've got to say, just remember I'm training tomorrow. Variety is the spice of life. That's the attitude I took, Chris. Yes. She came back to Walms. And you're not fucking to her. God bless you.

30:16What, how was the sex? I can't remember Can't remember but Did she want to call for any food on my own or not? I think I might have even ordered I think I got the food in I was a good host She left Summit No She left her driving licence at Summit Oh, fighting in the food

30:39I tell you what, it's really left the salad off the kebab Get that out Do you think that was Applied for a second meet? Did you enjoy it? I don't think I did, no A bit more of a Job Like the digging A sympathy one By Dan on the gum shield

31:04Again, I'll reiterate Personal preference Without saying that There's anything wrong With a larger lid No, it's not We're not digging large ladies' hearts, are we, obviously? No, it was just the not known. And it was a game of roulette. Yeah. Everyone that walked out. I mean, some people might fancy a skinny man. So I'm not going to be their type, am I? Or a handsome man. I've always noticed, though, when there's a really big girl, really big, like when we're talking like big arms and big girl, That would seem to be a skinny man, wouldn't it? No, it's not. What were they walking about? It's a preference.