Friday Club | The Caravan Line Up

0:04Hey, hey, it's the Friday Club The weekend's here, get in that pub It's Friday Club Bing bang bosh With all of your favourites from under the cuss So if you want to share a story Or relive a form of glory Fart of the wheat or clapping them cheeks Baby you got caught by the mother-in-law Having a wank It's all here on the Friday Club

0:30It's all here on the Friday Club How's the jet lag gents? Not great Not bad No, I think I'm probably doing best. I've had a good sleep. Don't I know it. See, I were up at four, half four this morning, and we got to bed at ten. And then obviously we've been up since half five the previous day, haven't we? Is this our third continent for Friday Club? America. That's a good question. We've done Asia. England. England, the continent of England has been covered. We've done Europe, so it is our third continent. Yeah. We're coming to you from Las Vegas. Live from Viva Las Vegas. I was going to say we can see the Bellagio fountains, but we can't.

1:23No, we've moved rooms. We can now see the car park. I can see some lovely mountains. I tell you who would do well around these parts, window cleaners. Yeah, dusty, aren't they? Got to be brave. mind obviously with quiet eye how did they clean them i thought i think they just wait for it rain don't they there's not much of that though is there interesting fact for you trafford center this might be an urban myth has one window cleaner and that's his job takes him a week to clean traffd center and then he just starts again i'm under i'm sure back in the day maybe the fourth bridge i think there were a team of painters who did that yeah paint at the fourth bridge i started at one end and when by the time they finished they just went back to start and repainting surely you don't need a lick of paint that often do you where's the fourth bridge scotland i believe might be off there another question on everybody's lips is how's john getting on with his bum washing in the pool yes and we've got an update haven't we he's washing it yeah yeah we you would not believe how easy it is to wash when you've got when it's vated it's like basically a couple of wipes and you're done your pumps definitely sound different as well than the vated they're very ducky still venomous though I heard them on the plane and I came out with but yesterday we got down to the pool and we'd missed the boat in terms of getting beds all the beds had been taken so we just perched on the edge of the pool and he says oh it's alright I need to wash my arse anyway so he gets straight in sits on the on the step and gives it the half cock gets his hand right up there no no hiding as well you know like there's no shame there you do a bit of splashing I'll do it underwater you know so no one can see you yeah there was a lady probably half a yard away just like give it you know just having a relax yeah and he's giving it one of them anyway that was par for the course in this a little bit later you come down with Matty and you're in the pool and then we're joined by Matty and his magic mass a yard away, obviously the hemorrhoid if you haven't listened to last week's so then John's decided to gone for the face wash with the Vegas pool water and this might be a made up thing but I'm sure I heard gargling, you know like using it as a mouthwash as well did you see him?

3:51He went for the face wash in and then I heard with the water. And then you get the win for the toenail clip. Yeah, that was too far. That was too far. The clip as well. The pick of the nails was too much. I'm not going to change my habits because we're in Las Vegas. Oh! That's me, that. Yeah, so it's the half cock, hand right up, cleanest body in Vegas, that. I'll say this, John. I'm out, you don't mind. But when you went for the submerged, it is really thin now, you know. What, my hair? Yeah. I know, man. I tell you, when you notice it more, when my scalp's a bit burnt, I'm not far off fucking bold.

4:38I know. Because it's white, you don't notice it. But when it's wet... Yeah. Oh, I'm in fucking bother. I need that ring on ASAP. I'm getting fucked off. What's the next step? Divorce, probably, once the hair's gone. Can you imagine as soon as you're married and then you stop jabs and ergos? I'd be like a young Alan Brazil. You're going to be like him on Fat Bastard, that big Scottish guy. What's that on? Austin Powers. How come this whole bin seems to have been aimed at me in these first seven or eight minutes? I mean, you put a target on your own back, really, with the bum wash and the gargling and the toe picking.

5:21Yeah, I think everyone wanted an update, John. Yeah. So my bum's washed. Do you know what I do like about these toilets in Vegas? Perfect for examining your thesis, aren't they? Yes, they are. If you want to have a look, see what it's looking like. Gillian McKeith would love it over here. Why is that? Is there a high ledge? They're kind of shallow, aren't they? It's like a footpool. But it's longer. Yeah. Yeah, really good for an inspection. and if anybody's interested, I think I'm in good health in the bottom area. Have you ever had worms? Yes, I had worms when I was younger. I've had tablets for worms because I went for a shite when I was at Preston and Jaco, the physio, went in after me.

6:05He went, you've got worms, you? I was like, have I? So I was like, he says, I'm sure I've seen something in your shite that you left. I said, what do I do? I'll get you some tablets. So I had some worming tablets, but I don't know if I officially had them or not. Are they bad for you, like? I don't think they're great. I don't know how you get them. It's not good for weight loss? Joking apart. No, that's a tapeworm. That's one big worm. Is it? Yeah. You don't want one of them. Big dog. Yeah. I think we need to say thank you on behalf of Matty for the support you've received for the hemorrhoid.

6:40From the listeners? Yeah. Oh, right. Oh, they're flooding in with advice. Oh. See, it's one of my favourites. Warm bathing I said popular but more common A pile shared is a pile halved You just love it to be half as big What about the train? I bet you wish you never told us do you? We went for a sandwich

7:09Is everything on the menu hemorrhoid friendly? Excuse me? he's gone bright red on the way on the train on the way back up we just got sat down and that and it was full wasn't it all four fours were full and Matty were across from me across the aisle and I said it not just so everybody could hear how's your hemorrhoids feeling Matthew

7:37by the way do you know how we're going into Winnebago soon aren't we all five of us Yes. Can we just a quick breakdown of what we're doing? Give us our venues. Where are we heading? So we're here in Las Vegas, which is I don't know how many miles away from first game. Why we're here, I don't know. There was a vote cast. Eighteen and a half hours from the ground. Ah, that's my car. It's only six if you fly. But we're having a little road trip up to LA, and then we'll be heading to the game in Dallas. we'll also be taking in Austin Texas over to Boston and New York getting all three England games in and we've got some special I'm going to say I'm going to say World Cup episodes Batano unbelievable got us here but they're going to be more Friday Club slash World Cup episodes so basically a breakdown of what's happened in the previous four or five days yes we've been on before haven't we Obviously, if you listen to this, you'd know that stuff's going to go wrong and there's going to be some stuff in it.

8:47And we will talk about it. I mean, we're at the World Cup again. I know. How lucky are we, man? I know. I would never have gone to a World Cup, I don't think, if it weren't for us. Yeah. I might have gone to a Euros, maybe. It's unbelievable. We've got to embrace it. Yeah. Soak it all in. But in one of the legs, we're driving somewhere, aren't we, in Winnebago. Yeah, we're driving through Texas. We've got a big Winnebago. 30 foot's big, you know. And we'll talk about this in the World Cup episode, but I might have cocked up already. 30 foot is fucking big. The winner bit like 30 foot it is. That's a fucking buzz.

9:23That's a double, that's 575, that, that goes past my house. To be fair, I did actually Google it, right? It is 10 foot short of a public transport bus. My licence doesn't cover that. No, my... Fucking nobody does. It's in Barnsley. I've kept fucking Peter Sutcliffe in. We need an HGV driver. My license doesn't give a fuck off because it's still at home. But in the Winnebago, obviously, it's going to be tight. Obviously, there's five of us in it. In the end of it's big, it's going to be tight. I'm thinking, you know, like, just to save all the embarrassment and everything, right, I think we should just, as soon as we get in it, all take us clothes off, all just have a line up, and then one person take it in turn, and just walk down and look at everybody's willies and that.

10:09Go right back, have a look at the bums, and then you'll get to the end of the line. It's 30 foot though. You've got an emeroid in there. Might have to get the 40 footer. Can we excuse on medical grounds? I'm just thinking, if everybody's seen each other naked, then we can just walk about clothed off. It's George's first trip, isn't it? Just a brief, introduce yourself, your name, where'd you come from. This is me willie. There will be a little bit of cuppies, George, I'll be honest with you. but I want to see how heavy the Tezis are are you good with that George? I still have a choice no George you fucking don't you've got five minute fluffing leeway that's a lot of time yeah you'll be clean you'll be cleaned up by then I think you'd be better going erect and then let it go flaccid I think you're getting the most out of it then but I'm just thinking so we just all see each other's willies stroke each other's bums and then we're done aren't we yeah right I'm going in Useless mute to shagga.

11:07Hello, lads. Love the podcast. I wanted to tell you about our useless mute, who somehow is a shagga, and tell you about his best escapade. To give you some background, we're all well into our 40s with wives and kids, so we'll have to keep everybody anonymous. He's gone the full works. Bold, underlined, exclamation marks, capitals. Oh, wow. That's serious business. We're not filming this, are we? No. Get your tits out, John. Get the boys out. We'll put a disclaimer, actually, while you're getting the breasts out. Yeah, anybody who usually watches, we're just audio, aren't we, for this episode. Yeah, we were a little bit ambitious, weren't we, in thinking, like in Qatar, where we just rocked up at a cafe and thought, we'll just set up here.

11:56Yeah. Vegas is a different... Yeah, they want licences involved. Yeah, health and safety and insurance documents. We haven't got any of it, so here we are. John's got his tits out. Right. We'll call our useless mute, Eric. To give you the mark of the man, Eric is always the last to buy around if he ever actually buys one. Tight Eric. Don't like him. Has little to no personality. Barely talks and has this stupid, now grey, quiff that he keeps flicking to the side, but he's a mate so I can't be too harsh everybody has their place in a group on a night hour and Eric's was solid solidly one of the bitches it may sound like I'm being horrible but I really can't explain how useless this bloke is I think you are maybe sounding a little bit horrible yeah his left eye droops when he's pissed on an all day session and he has a habit of sloping off with Bill a well dressed northerner on nights out for a meal hence the regular chant of Eric's been sick all over Bill's dick, which is a nice little rhyme when they rejoin the group.

13:04What nobody can understand is Eric always manages to find his way into the bed of an enthusiastic piece of crumpet. Really? And usually, she's a seven or eight. This is, you heard just like a, not what I expected from Eric, what I've heard so far. He's even managed to pull a soap star, he says. Christ knows how. I wonder which one. The best story was off the back of a lad's night out that ended up in the local meat market. Oh, I don't like that. The rest of us me immortals went home with a chicken sandwich and a hangover. Not Eric. He had managed to pull himself a young lady who conveniently lived a short walk away.

13:44Upon reaching the young lady's house, Eric went inside to be met by her mother, who apparently was mid-forties and half-tidy. While the young lady went upstairs to prepare herself for the oncoming onslaught, she dropped off to sleep. It's criminal when there's predators like Eric about, isn't there? Predators? Eric, who really wasn't fussy, stayed downstairs with a half-tidy mother, who slid across on the sofa to keep warm, and before you know, was riding Eric like there was no tomorrow. Surely just put a thermostat, don't you? A house is gold. A thermostat. Oh, no, no, you can have a cuddle. You don't just go and...

14:25Would you rather put it in or have a cuddle? he's clinical, we can say what we want about Eric. King Eric. After they finished, he then should have said goodnight to the mother and probably should have gone home. But Eric being the philander and shagger we all know and love, climbed the stairs, slipped into the next young lady, slipped in next to the young lady he had met at the meat market and gave her a nudge. I like that you misread that. Slipped into the young lady. Oh, John. That's an ambitious alarm, that. 20 past 9 been up since half 5 the inevitable happened and he gave her a C and 2 as well turning up to football the next day with the same clothes on from the night before and a sheepish but very satisfied look on his face incredible work from young Eric but the question remains did he wash his knob in between sittings if you have a live show in East Angola we would love to introduce you to Eric because he's sure as shit won't introduce himself up the cosh.

15:30That's bad, that. King Eric. King Eric? Mm-hmm. That's, I mean, he hasn't lived up to that initial character breakdown. So let's go through it. He doesn't speak. Doesn't get around him. No personality. Top shagger. I wonder if there's been a conversation between mother and daughter the following day. I know. Keeping it in the family. I think the man will be keeping... Keeping stum. Keeping stum. I wonder if the mother did the mother know? Well, obviously she's realised he's not. He did all with that, didn't he? She's realised he's not still downstairs cuddling, aren't she? Wow. So, hail King Eric.

16:11Yeah. Right, I'm going in. Arrested for attempted murder. I know it sounds quite bad, this, but. now then cautious quite a long story but it is worth it this is not my own story this was told to me by a 40 year old bloke i worked with from his younger days we will call him jabber for this story as he is also on the killer man's this took place around 18 years ago in his early 20s in his hometown Telford where him and his mates were out on a day session looking for a few tens at 2pm as the day went on and the more Carlin premiers sunk down the hatch, the mission slowly turned into a few twos at 10pm I like that the three lads remaining by this point are all raring to get into the nightclub where after a few Sambuca blacks they bump into three girls they went to primary school with two beautiful model model figured fresh pieces of meat oh come on and the other one there's always the other one big stuff Jabba and his mates have a team talk big stuff we can't let that go no you can't be saying things like that we can't condone them no it's bad big stuff Jabba and his mates have a team talk and Jabbert decides to take one for the team and take on Professor Clump.

17:53I'm not condoning this language, by the way. You're fucking laughing at it. So you are, really. He's put clumps on here. I'm reading it along here. It's just clumping it. Is it Professor Clump? Professor Clump, yeah. I like that he's got plural. Well, there is a family, though, isn't there? Isn't there a film, The Clumps? Yeah, there is. There's a full family. They're all sat around the table, aren't they, with mashed potato and meatloaf. I've got that again because I need to carry on. And Jabba decides to take one for the team and take on Professor Klumps, who he already knows quite well from school.

18:28Jabba's two friends live in a flat together and after a fair while of grafting are in and take the two models back. Klumps stays to Jabba. I only live round the corner. Wink, wink. He agrees to walk her home. They get to the woods round the corner from her house and clumps, notice as her parents are in, so offers her services. Jabba, young, dumb and full of cum takes her up on the offer. She gets down on her knees and gives him the Gawk Gawk 3000. However, Jabba, however hard he tries, can't activate his machine. so realises he's going to have to pleasure in other means. So he gets down on his knees and uses both the other available tools.

19:20I'm lost a little bit. Tongue and fingers? Yeah. I think so, yeah. In the woods? Yeah, you've got to do what you've got to do, Chris. Fanny-licking in woods. That's how you get worms. If you can't get the machine going.

19:38Something rustles in the bushes Which sits them both up And puts it to an abrupt ending They say their goodbyes And Jabba lives around ten minutes up the road So starts to walk home In the pitch black Street lights are off About half way through the walk back He sees car lights shine towards him The one bit of the light He's had the whole walk where he realises his fingers to wrist splattered in blood. Oh, come on. It was that time of the month. In his head, wondering what on earth's state his face must look like. So yeah, it's fingers and tongue. Oh. By this point, the car is close enough to realise it's a police car.

20:24Oh. Pulls up straight outside, batting out, taser out. Hands in the air, you're under arrest on suspicion of murder or Grievous Bodily Harm. No way. Jesus, I mean, that's a big... Going from murder to... Grievous Bodily Harm's quite bad, man. Oh, is it? Yeah, that's like top of your assault tree, isn't it? Do you think... Yeah. Do you think the lights have hit him and they've seen him walking... Covered him claret? Yeah. All around his mouth. Wait, wait, I can explain. 20 days later. Jabba said back, but with him being in a drunken mess, he was straight in the back of the car and in a cell until he sobered up.

21:02In the morning, he was seriously questioned and explained he was having sex in a forest with a girl that lived next door he went to school with, asking them to go knock on the door and ask her, you'll see she's alive. Seems pretty reasonable to officers, must have thought, so they go to the house, knock on the door and the dad opens the door. Can we speak with your daughter, please? sorry she didn't come home last night the dad replies

21:35Jabba is in serious shit thinking if she died on the way home he's going to be serving life for something he has never done three days in the cell he spent his weekend and Monday until Monday night he gets called out Klumps had seen all the blood on herself and thought if someone in the house saw her, she'd be in deep sit. Shit. So she'd gone back to another friend's house with a dead phone and stayed there all weekend not knowing a single thing going on with Jabba in a cell or her parents thinking she's dead. Oh, man. An ongoing search for her body. Making local Telford... Chop us out. Making local Telford news.

22:23and they have never come in contact ever since. Sorry for the long one, lads. Will you do a live show in Lincoln or nearby with the class up the cosh? The thing is, he's banged the rights, isn't he? Oh, yeah. If something did happen, God forbid, on the way home, he's number one suspect. DNA all over his fiesta. Yeah, but surely forensic. Menstrual blood's different than regular blood. Surely. Surely. I mean, I'm no... What do they call it? Blood expert. yes yeah what's that what's that program called pathologist yeah what's that program called when pathologists get involved in murders oh silent witness silent witness but what I'm saying is it's going to take a while for them to prove yeah is it slumber for a bit yeah well he's been in for three days bless him especially if they don't fight body oh man I wonder if they let him have a wash is it one of them can it swabs you know if you can you know if you can get hard on you're thinking I'll tell you what I'll just go yeah that's the last place I'm going I'll just go fingering and licking I'm not getting not in the woods not in the woods not in the woods maybe I'll treat her at the fingers but treat her not just give her a I will treat her I bet it were a fucking long few days that yeah because obviously she is missing isn't she yeah all's well that ends well yeah I'm getting worse at reading if you've noticed genuine question how are you getting on with your tits sweat now you've lost a bit still got a bit of sweat it's under my arm isn't it I haven't noticed on you obviously it's alright then isn't it not getting the t-shirt stain yeah quite like them I was entertained by them tits sweat Yeah, they always get a good reaction.

24:22I'm only here for a two hundred to ten other people, Chris. If it's at my expense, then that's fine by me. Right, Chrissie, I'm jumping in. I know you haven't read one yet, but... Crest of a wave. C &C Confessions of a Council Worker. C &C, what's that again? Consent, no consent. Consent, no consent, yes. We like these, don't we? Yes, I remember this now, yeah. Good day, gentlemen. Oh! Ooh, have you ever heard to this gentleman before? Just catching up on some episodes of Friday Club and the stories of C &C from a few weeks back. I think the first one was about a girl from Wigan. Yep. Yep. I remember it well.

25:03Well, I don't think it's the same girl, but I am from Wigan. And I've got a C &C story involving my younger self and a girl I met at work. Going back around 10 years, I was fast approaching 30 and I'd just come out of a long relationship. life was good though as I just got a new job at the council bought my own house and was given the online dating game a try with moderate success but it was at work that I met a 21 year old receptionist let's call her Amelia because she looked a bit like Amelia Clark this is where you come in John but with long red hair and fantastic bosoms bosoms I think that's my favourite word for breath bosoms They sound nice and Amelia O.

25:48Amelia Clark with an E. Yeah, she's in... Is she in Muppets? Doesn't sound the best. Let's have a look. Oh, no, she's in Game of Thrones. Yeah. Is it? Of course she is. Let's have a look. That is she. Yeah. Right. Who am I thinking of? With long red hair. She was quite shy at first, but once we got to know each other, everything changed. Lunchtime coffee dates soon led to fingering in the lift and blowjobs in the post room. The town hall had plenty of places where we could sneak off for a quickie. The deeds room, the mayor's parlour and even the public gallery of the council chambers. Anyway, after a couple of sex-filled months she asked if I would be interested in consensually kidnapping her.

26:44Taking her somewhere And having sex with her Against her will She confessed that she always wanted to try things like that But her ex wasn't that keen Nothing had been off limits since we met So it was an instant yes We had previously dabbled with outdoor sex And a bit of bondage And talked about what we know A bit of bondage I wonder what the dabble is for bondage Just to I know Just a little I think it's a bit harder than a Just a smack on the bottom Maybe a bit of a choke Oh yeah A paddle? Too early for a paddle? Yeah, I think that's... Not bringing exterior... That's more than a double. And talked about what we now know as C &C and free use.

27:24But I wanted to know the finer details and exactly what she had in mind. She thought that a good time for it to happen would be at her friend's wedding. I would arrive late, dress in a suit, briefly meet everyone, then whisk her away without saying goodbye. Once in the car, I was to tie her up, lie her in the back seat, blindfold her and gag her with her knickers before driving to an agreed location. Which was an old barn in the middle of nowhere. And doing whatever I wanted to her. Sounds pretty erotic, doesn't it? Bit heavy for me like this. Huh? Bit heavy for me this. Oh, your honour. Has it been a couple of weeks again or are you full mast?

28:08Get on to that, yeah. It was as simple as that. And surprisingly, everything went to plan. Even more surprisingly, we both loved her. I could tell how turned on she was the minute I arrived at the wedding. And even though everything was consensual, there was still an element of danger to it that heightened the sexual tension and made the whole scenario intensely erotic. That isn't the story I want to focus on here, though. What time? Just getting that out of the way. If you have arranged this, at what point in the wedding are you thinking, because you don't want to miss the buffet. Well, it's agreed that she's at the wedding, he turns up late in the suit, and then says hello, then they're off.

28:51Half nine-ish, I think. Oh, you mean like actual time? Yeah, because you don't want to miss the buffet, you don't want to miss the speeches. You don't want to miss the entertainment. I think they've all been and gone. Have they? Is this more evening shift? It's usually like seven o 'clock, and it's starting your evening then. And I think that if you were involved in this kind of game as well, you want the bundle into the car. You don't just want, right, come on now, I'm going to kidnap you now. And then you both walk nicely to the car, open the door for her, and then you go, rrrr. Yeah, you need to tie her up properly.

29:23So are you thinking they maybe put a hood over her on the dance floor? Well, that's too obvious, isn't it? You can't have other people seeing. She needs to be going outside, having a breath of fresh air, and then next minute, hood over her head. boof, int-bent. Right. She's just going out for it, just to catch her breath. Yeah. He's not meeting everyone then, is he? No. And then is he good enough for him? Well, anyway, let's go on to the main story, Chris. Yeah, so you didn't want to focus on that because in bed the next morning she asked if I would be up for it again, only this time I would be on the receiving end.

29:58Oh. She had the idea that I would be her hostage, a sex slave, so to speak. I would need to be asleep and tied to a bed somewhere unfamiliar to me and she would wake me up in the night to use me for her pleasure. It was a definite yes. The location was a cottage that we booked for a long weekend. We went to bed as normal and unbeknown to her I'd taken a sleeping pill and half a Viagra. I didn't need either but thought, fuck it, why not? What's a sleeping pill going to do apart from saying he's asleep? I don't know. I think that's a mistake. come. But if they mix together, does it give you some kind of...

30:36Is it better off with just a full Viagra and leave the sleeping tablet at home? Yeah, maybe. I didn't need either, but thought, fuck it, why not? It might make things a bit more interesting. Maybe it's because if you know it's coming, you can't get to sleep. You can't get to sleep. You're all excited. When's she going to jump out? You'd be on edge, wouldn't you? Yeah. You're just walking past wardrobe thinking she's She's going to come out? I was woken up with a kiss and soon realised that it was tied up and blindfolded, but with a throbbing erection that she had shackled with a cock ring. Have you ever had a bash of one of them?

31:12No, I don't think so. You don't think so? She started by simply kissing her way down my body while stroking and sucking my cock. Oh, Jesus. Taking me to the brink before stopping abruptly to tell me that I will not be allowed to orgasm tonight unless I do everything that she says. Over the next few hours, I was subjected to what only would be described as torture, but let me tell you, it was fucking fantastic. Even though I was in an incredibly vulnerable position, I loved every minute of it. Denying me an orgasm was just the start. Once she removed the blindfold, she made me watch as she made herself come several times with her fingers on toys.

31:52At one point, she straddled my face, hovering above me while she played just out of the reach of my tongue making me beg, beg her to let me have a taste. As soon as these fucking shackles are on I'm getting her a crack. I then watched as she was on all fours in front of me and noticed she was wearing a butt plug. Wearing a butt plug? Something that I'd always wanted her to try. She climbed on top in a reverse cowgirl position and lowered herself onto me. the butt plug in full view where she vored me asking me if I would like to spank her and whether I wanted to be inside her in place of that butt plug this was agony he says it's a bit of a fucking toe for me to be honest yet again she took me to the brink and stopped before giving me a kiss saying goodnight gagging me with her knickers and leaving the room nah that's too far she's a fucking asshole I'm all for a good time, but that is outrageous.