Friday Club | The Golden Glove

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1:35Hey, hey, it's the Friday Club. The weekend's here, get in that pub. It's Friday Club. Bing, bang, bosh. With all of your favorites from under the cuss. So if you want to share a story or relive a form of glory, fatter the wheat or clap in them cheeks, maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank. It's all here on the Friday Club.

2:00It's all here on the Friday Club. Back to your old ways, John. This morning, I believe. Oh, yeah. Obviously, we're recording here at this cricket club, and I thought, I'll tell you what it were. It was selfless. Chrissie wanted me to call for him something to eat, a sandwich or something, so I called it a garage to get him a granola bar or something. Anyway, I got near here. I couldn't find it, but my stomach had gone. Luckily, I just crossed from this cricket pitch. There's an old church. and a church well it's a field next to the church but it's very close so basically I had to have an outdoor batch prepared?

2:41always prepared there's not much toilet roll there I always got a toilet roll in my car and where does the selfless come from compare when you've just shit in a church garden no because I was stopping for you some food I knew I needed the toilet but stopping for five minutes because I'd have been here so he basically shits himself for you right that's what he's saying no I'm not shit myself have I because I got I got in the tree in the tree it's bad innit it's been a while so have you have you gone but like I said I had a night art in it beer Saturday yeah I'll take the picture of it you know I did Chris put it in the picture if you want no bother on that I think me and our last we've gone both woke up Sunday morning so we went out last Saturday and this Saturday woke up Sunday morning and says to be honest I'm not really feeling going out on that at the minute and she's like yeah I'm the same so we might have gone I could have told you that fucking three years ago alright did you not go out in fact I think I do I think I tell you every week on a year that you've gone I still enjoyed going out for a couple of hours it doesn't matter how long I'm not enjoying the couple of hours the couple of hours it's like oh we're uh is it the jabs might be the jabs yeah second pine nearly sick again got the water jets like i'm just proper stopping me seven being sick so i'm putting it down to jabs at least you look good though this oversized jumper used to be tight so it's not just the fact that you lose it's the the appetite for your enthusiasm we spoke about this last week didn't we I've basically lost a mate sense of humour you gain a conscience I don't feel too bad for shitting in the church grounds well if you need to go you need to go it's a selfless act yeah do you not think it's just time of year do you not feel a bit miserable yeah it's time of year there's one place in England where it's rained every day since the start of the year yeah every day it's just horrible isn't it like Christmas you pull yourself through it because it's Christmas Just activities, going out doing things.

4:59This is the worst time of year. We may have started off in a right laugh today, haven't we? Pick us up if you want. He's shitty, Sal. Can I just categorically confirm I did not shit myself? I've got my jeans round my ankles. I've just shit in a tree. Well, I'm miserable anyway because my back's gone. So, it's going to be a right laugh, haven't we? I think it's your technique. Videos that I've seen, I think it's your technique. It's karma. Coming for Brad last week. He's not happy with you. Is he not? No, he's not happy. Well. He says he woke up to four messages. It's 10 to 8 on Friday morning.

5:32He's already had four messages. Saying you need to listen. The lads have come for you. I let the cat out of the bag. It's one, two, skip a few. Oh, yeah, 10. Do you know what? I'm just bitter because I can't catch him. You will be ahead a bit if you're cheap, won't you? You know, he told me he didn't care on my own. He does think he cheats. But come on, John. I'm listening on the mic. I met up with him for a coffee and it's the first time I've ever seen him with a top on. That's what gets me with him, man. It's like, when he puts a photo on his Instagram and Brad's always got his top off. Just put your top on, Brad.

6:09It's funny, like, you never said anything to him when you met him. Because I've not seen as much evidence at all. That tops off. I always send you the photo. When I see a photo of your lot, like, hugging and that and doing a team photo like the one fucking European Cup. you've only done a fucking workout come on get in for a photo get in for a photo expecting fucking John Terry getting on shut off Brad has Brad shut off nobody else just Brad you didn't tell him that when you were in the house get it quick while he's still sweating yeah my cheeks are still red so anyway it's up to you Brad if you want to miss a few that's fair enough you don't have to justify yourself to me but that's all I'm saying I'm loving the Winter Olympics.

6:56Have you watched any of it? I tell you what I have seen. I've seen... Is Jake Paul married to that bird? The speed skater? No, girlfriend. I think they might be engaged. He's covered all bases there anyway. Girlfriend, engaged wife. I wouldn't have thought anybody would be able to cope with him. He's a bit of a dick, isn't he? Jake Paul. On camera. We all be dicks on camera, can't we? Yeah. I don't know what he's like I haven't seen any of it Speed skating was meant to be I've seen it Who's last that did the flip Who's the bloody curling final for this Who was it that did the flip I've never seen that before On the ice skating Yeah It's a good one Was that this year I've got into figure skating and everything I bet you have The thing is You know with that though For me I don't know what I'm watching for Do you know like What's a good performance What's a really good performance But I think that's half of the enjoyment is working out what's going on.

7:55I'm seeing with X Factor and that. You know, because I'm tone deaf, I've got to wait until fucking Cheryl Cole, Simon Cowell and... Louis Walsh. Louis Walsh get up and start clapping before I do. Just in case I didn't hear it right. I've seen two things, the flip and somebody nearly skiing over a squirrel. You see that? No. Yeah, squirrels ran across the slalom thing. She had to swerve last minute. Probably ruined her chances. I'm not sure. A couple of 0.8 of a second. Yeah, which is locked in that, innit? But nature wins. RSPCA. I've not really been interested in it since Head of the Eagle knocked you out of your head.

8:32Well, have you seen there's a local lad in this time? What, doing that? No. Bobsleigh. Axel Brown from Arrogate on the slopes for Trinidad and Tobago. Huh? Cool run-ins. Black lad? No. Ginger. Huh? ginger lad is he good I'll put your picture up of him nah well look alright so what's the tell us his his mum's from Trinidad right look at that photo what do you see I don't see two bobslayers I just see a big cock in front of his lycra look at that lad right look at that there's your boy but yeah his mum he just decided wanted to be a sportsman from Trinidad sign up bobslayer where do you go to practice junction 28 M62 yeah what bobslaying well there's a ski slope just get on a wheelie bin lid that's like saying where do you go surfing oh in metrodome basically it's the same innit just get on a wheelie bin down junction 28 escape some of them some of that skeleton you're just sledging is that one where you're on your front and you're like your chin's like you're like that and they just give you a shove at top and it's first one that's at bottom How do you get good at that?

9:50There's a bit of leaning involved. Have you got to be heavy? Is there a weight? I thought that. Is there a weight class? Are you sure a skeleton's not weird? You chase with it and then you jump on your belly to the ice? Whatever sledging one is, that's what I mean. We're just like, oh, way down. Junction 32, actually, this guy's sloped. You've just saved an Olympic career, though. Just keep going. Past 28, four down. Do you know, it depends which way you're going from. Do you know if you're like, do you know, how do you, do you know everybody who's in that? Do you know the way they're doing flips and that, going down on skis and flips and going over four or five times?

10:31How come everybody's not brought the neck at some point when they're learning to do that? Where do they practise? How do you learn, how do you think, I'll tell you what, I can do a front eight flip. Junction 33, the obsessed. Just start from 32. too but you know old goodens it's where it snows in it the norwegian and swedish and the but no we're shitting them all aren't we should do an autumn olympics and then we'd be all right picking leaves up and that yeah where it's just pissing it down all the time you just got to keep your umbrella from folding or something skipping over puddles do you think there's more shagging goes off at the olympics or the winter olympics i heard read a thing about the last winter olympics there was 100 ,000 condoms brought in by the Olympic body for the accommodation.

11:18Oh, so they provide them? Yeah, which is nice, isn't it? They're just fucking promoting it then, aren't they? Yeah, basically. It's all wrong. You want to use them all, don't you? You see it as a challenge. I reckon more at the Winter Olympics. Do you think? Nah. You've got to keep it warm, ain't you? No chance. Yeah, the Winter Olympics, you're always going to be inside, aren't you? You're always going to be in socialising. Summer Olympics, you might go off for a walk, go for a coffee and that. The winters, you're all there eating your porridge. Put them track and field. They're in skimpy thingies.

11:46And it's warm. I know, but they're all. Chris, did you see fucking Paul's missus? Speed skater. No. Jesus Christ. You'd suck a fart out of that fucking micro outfit, wouldn't you? But yeah, to be honest, no, I've not watched any really. Like you said, you might do less social, but during the regular Olympics, it's sunny. you get a bit horny in the sun what's that thingy that makes you horny in the sun is it not vitamin D peroni what's the there's an actual thing isn't there he's done three bottles of sunny day in this morning he's fucking frantic keep him away from the burritos he's off his fucking head with it oh god I don't know does vitamin D get you horny no there's summer I think it's the same stuff that gets your honey in the gym testosterone no endorphins endorphins that's the one oh so your endorphins are lifted just in this in the sunshine before you know it you've got a boner yes how's the salmon spunk what you tell me do I look handsome yes or no what are you laughing at

13:05unbelievable unbelievable keep his endorphins up you could do it six months in Jamaica I put a word in for the manjaro face she's recommended I brought you some leaflets just put them on my face decide what you want so is she going to do me a treatment yeah where is it Blakely who's that and the Junction 32 with him so what do they do pull your cheeks back out you're asking basically yeah yeah stop them from sagging because apparently you what's them things the pads the drop and then you keep them up she mentioned filler and I'll fill it with some filler in there is it heavy is it way much i don't know talking about filler sorry i'm going back to winter olympics here but some of them they've been putting the same stuff as botox filler in the penis to because the bigger your penis the more aerodynamic you are for the jumps is that that is true that is a fucking that actually just brought totally useless the bigger your they're forever you can jump on it with a set of skis on and some of them have been putting filler in the todgers Fact I think that's to fill the thousand condoms up me not the fucking jumping No, you've made that up.

14:35Ask her about it. She'll have done some So she said she'll give me a treatment then. I'm not bothered about fillers and that. I don't look like fucking Katie Price and that. I know I said that to her but Pete Burns coming in next week as people well I'll I'll look at me leaflets and take it from there collagen there Christmas present yeah he just he just offered you to do you think we've gone yeah it's gone I've gone podcast is gone I think it was last week's episode when he said he's not bothered and now he's on collagen and getting some filler that night he said there's a screenshot of his full night routine and he's one wood hanging out the bottom of the picture it was more for the I was laughing for a good 10 minutes.

15:21He's giving me stick. So I've got my, I've put all my products in my hand like that and I've sat out of bed and I've got my penis and my testicles. Just showing, just peeping. No. We're looking good. Tell the truth. Did you spruce her up before you? Swear to God, no. Is that just for collagen, wasn't it? Was that just as the, as it was lying? Yeah. It's the best I've seen at book. So I sent him, Tell you what, we'll get to Junction 32 later and see how quick you get off that jump. I bet he flies. Cock full of fillers. You'll probably not be able to put this on to Friday Club, but... Oh, it looks droopy.

16:06It looks sad. I thought it looked impressive. And then... Sad. It does. Next, foreskinny. You know foreskin's hanging lower than the... Yeah. Next message, Naka's looking really well. Like it's got a ski mask on. Ready to do a bank job. So you are bothered, really? Talking about, well, she bought me it for Christmas dinner, so I'll use that until it's gone, and then I'll just not bother. I'm R.J. Decker, the private investigator uncovering the Sunshine State's darkest secrets. Tonight, it's the premiere of ABC's hottest new crime show. R.J. freaking Decker as I live and breathe. He's a private eye.

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17:26Download the Priceline app or visit Priceline.com and book your next trip today. Got your happy price. Priceline. Right, I could do with a bit of advice. Like the little fella has said recently, alone time with the missus can be difficult with kids in the house. our lad is 18 works from home three days a week and isn't stupid so time alone at home is tough but we have a caravan sighted locally a 10 minute drive from work on a friday and we are in our caravan beer in hand surrounded by pubs and the rolling hills of derbyshire perfect it does sound perfect and interesting as well just 10 minutes from work i always assumed that if you had a caravan you know you're in not you're in wales or you don't say like if you're just wanting the caravan experience does it matter where you are no exactly yeah i agree with the garden you could but then you can go get a shower yeah yeah the routine is a few bees in the van and a walk with the dog to the pub for a couple of pints and food i wander back to the van bottle of wine and bed for some leg over again a solid good itinerary I normally work Saturday morning for a few hours and return to a cooked breakfast and a freshly showered wife then we're back at it it's only a couple of hours just knock the work on head it is different isn't it when they're freshly showered I'm not even joking the smell of matey in the air as you walk through the door have you ever like so you've had sex before you go to bed like and then you've got up next day and for whatever reason not had a shower, but then you get a shower like nine o 'clock that night and you can still smell a bit of the sex.

19:14Oh, aye. You like it? I know what you mean. That was a nod of appreciation then. It's better when they're clean. Mm-hm. I know what you mean.

19:29The caravan... You can still smell Thursday's sex. It's Sunday. That's you, that, Chrissy. the caravan has a fixed bed to one side of it but the door that separates the living area and bedroom needs a little repair because it keeps opening obviously if you were to look through the front windows you might catch my fat hairy arse pumping away or under normal conditions my missus bouncing up and down there we go i'm imagining them you know like the static caravans you get at Haven and they have got a big pane haven't they that wraps around the front so you can see right in so you're going to be able to see through the living quarters down past the kitchen bedroom at the end door is open sex sex I don't care and the missus doesn't seem to give a shit either after our early morning action it's a big walk with the dog Bea is in a rucksack for the walk and stops at the various boozes on the walk back sounds incredible Yeah.

20:31That gentleman is our little routine. I love it, she loves it, and our son gets the house for himself, Ryder, on Saturday. Everyone is happy. Sounds perfect all round. It does. Apart from what you could do with fixing the door. One issue has arose, though. After a long walk on a freezing Saturday in January, we returned to our caravan with a nice beer tingle. It was cold but dry, a clear sky and the stars were shining. Rather than go in the van, we grabbed a couple of blankets and sat outside enjoying the silence. There wasn't many people on the site, but a posh couple from Yorkshire wandered past and said hello.

21:10We'll call them Don and Dorothy. They are there most weekends and we've gotten to know them quite a bit. But they sound quite posh, so I suppose we've never really given them a chance. Harsh. Well, you know you're wrong. Don't talk to them posh bastards from Carnarvon down there. I'm not talking to you. They'll be arseholes then. But they're posh arseholes. But you know your own, don't you? You can sense your own. And like you said, he's not giving them a chance. Yeah. Anyway, they grabbed their camping chairs and joined us, even bringing some Prosecco over. We sat drinking and chatting. Dorothy's posh voice was gone, and she sounded more like John.

21:46Oh, she's a Mrs. Bouquet. After a couple of glasses of fizzy wine and chatting about work and family, et cetera, we were getting along swimmingly well. Around this time the wife said she enjoyed the quiet weekends away from the normal household chores. Dorothy said, I know we've seen you. I instantly knew what she meant. Don laughed, I laughed and the missus looked bemused. I said, I must get that door fixed. The penny dropped at that point And the missus looked embarrassed But laughed And that was that We kept on chatting away until the early hours And the subject got on to holidays Dot and Don kept banging on about cruises They have four a year minimum We're not interested in a cruise We like to wander around And I can't imagine being cooped up on a boat for two weeks They kept insisting There was even a taster cruise coming up when we should go with them.

22:49Let's escalate as quickly as I know. Is this the first time they've spoken? Yeah, they've only had a bottle of Prosecco. Actually, they're on holiday. In the end, we relented and said we'd have a look. We had a great night. Said our good nights and stumbled to bed. We came round late Sunday morning. We had a cup of tea and packed up ready for the short drive home. We were locked up the van and noticed a brochure on the table outside. I locked it in the cart and we headed off. I never even give it a thought. my wife looked ill anyway but changed colour completely after opening the book it's a fucking swingers cruise a taster one week cruise with huge discounts available for first timers is in April we're not swingers we've been together 28 years I like her funny

23:41I'll die happy if it's the only funny I see between now and death not see maybe enter but not see The caravan site is closing till March I'm dreading going back now Dot and Don will be over I'm sure We were all hammered that night But I know I didn't give them any Impression I'm into that stuff Yes they've seen us shagging but that's on them That's on them for being nosy And myself for not fixing the door There we go We are there most weekends So I just can't avoid them I'm all for honesty and just a little not for us pal but the missus is for a post-it note on the brochure with the same message but they will definitely be over at some point and they honestly don't know how to break the ice especially now we know Dot and Don's hobbies include fucking strangers on boats any advice lads?

24:33I think you've got to just broach the subject with him straight off the bat so you're into swinging then you two not for us not for us like but you're into swinging what appeals to it what do you Do you like watching her getting shagged? You know they were saying that they were hammered that night, but when... Have they dropped the brochure on the table in the morning? Yeah, probably. So it's like... Almost an invite, innit? After the Lord's May show, innit? Yeah, and they've still decided to take the brochure around in the morning and just leave it outside. They're obviously giving them sort of vibes off, aren't they, as a couple?

25:04Stealth. And do you think these two married 28 years don't even know anything about her? Naively, they pick up on come-ons. the door is opening it and they've seen it as a sign they know that they know what they're doing they must like us watching them but I think he's overthinking that I think in terms of seeing them again yeah just got going just go oh she's into swinging your pair yeah it'd be a good conversation over there yeah get some insight I actually had a look after reading that I did read the email earlier because I thought is it a swinging cruise is it just one of these adults only and you're making assumptions that it's a swinging cruise but there are swinging cruises so this guy says he's been on several and it's anywhere from 3 ,500 to 6 ,000 swingers on a ship for 7 days from all over the world Jesus 6 ,000 you're going to need an holiday when you get home aren't you you're going to need a wish and he said if you have any fantasies they can probably be fulfilled that weekend and somebody else responds with thank you I wonder if it's a fickle world where say there's 6 ,000 on the boat and we'll put them in three categories like outstandingly good looking middle of the road pig ugly where do you where do you pitch yourself pitch yourself and like see if you see a stunning couple do you think i've got a chance do you go over and speak and then is it an awkward sorry because i imagine everyone's laid back they're there for the same thing but then in reality you know what you want and you know a good looking couple if you're in a couple you're are you half in half your chances of being accepted because maybe they're like you but not your missus yeah i bet i wonder if that goes on it will do like you you can get involved but sorry bring your sandra there must be some scraps like for arguments you know pissed on where because you know if you're in a couple that you know you've been together a long time but one of yours punching one's notably more attractive than the other it's going to be difficult to find a suitors i imagine i know imagine it's a tiring cruise you think like you know for me and you Chrissy we're good-looking lads we're gonna get fucking attention left right and center now what we're gonna be constantly gonna be fucking shagging 24-7 yeah can be red raw like a beacon yeah but once words out I'm shit hmm gluten intolerant tired you know I'm talking about yourself his ass his ass his ass stinks see that little one it pulled there I'll tell you what fast arse when you get up close all his eyes are really wrinkly

28:05looks like a walrus yeah it's another strange the game is a strange world them games at least they're all in the same place knowing that they're all for the same thing yeah but then there's the thing you've got to be accepted within the thing. You've just got to be able to take... A lot of strategy going on. You've got to be able to just take rejection on the chin, isn't it? But I wonder if it's an unwritten thing where if you don't make the cut, you can watch anywhere. It's like a boobie thingy prize. Boobie prize. You're not for me, but get on the landing so you can have a watch. It's going to be good.

28:42To segue from that, on my Reddit readings earlier, there's UK faceless parties freaks no so you you basically go into a swingers club but everybody has a mask on so you can't see what they look like is that better or worse it did say bring bring a halloween mask scream you'd imagine it being more masquerade you know yeah like that film with tom cruise Yes. Eyes wide shut. Yes. But I'm thinking I look like, can you imagine if you just turn up with a rubber Frankenstein mask off? I might just turn up with me Desperate Dan suit. See how that goes down. I mean, he's got a rubber... You get thingy, you get pigeonholed, oh, he's in again.

29:31The one with the fucking hairy back. I don't know what he looks like, but he's got a great hairy back. I'm just trying to think if I would like that. See, that's where you come into your own, by the way. What, my facial features? No, with your mask on. people but like obviously you've got a body but then if you've got a decent body people are going to be signing deciding based on your mask what do you mean do you know the better mask gets us yeah well it depends like because you could have a good body but you've got to rub a golem mask on that's like no one would be known as the sympathy one the sympathy shark he's got a body like a flipping adonis oh but he gets the nod because he's got a good mask yeah coming out it's like what that freddy crookers are going in hey next time we come get on freddy in that room you want to see him go but a great weekend with the texas chainsaw massacre it was incredible strange world i suppose it's thingy isn't it as well private like you want to remain i'm assuming that's what what it's for yeah so to keep your animate and tough one mm-hmm that's why I went with private these are two week cruises or so they must I you know the villages that they all stop at like Caribbean cruises and stuff they're like hey up crew swingers are in yeah the big dogs yeah there'll be a lad on live on the island yeah just always sat every time the ship docks he's always just sat there with his fishing rod with his feet in water.

31:03Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hola, Coca-Cola, thanks lemon beer. Does anybody want to buy any animal over here? I'll rub it in your back.

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32:19This episode is brought to you by Venmo. With the Venmo debit card, a taco in one hand, and ordering a ride in the other means you're stacking your rewards nice get up to five percent cash back with venmo stash on your favorite brands when you pay with your venmo debit card pick a bundle with your go-tos and start earning cash back do more stash get more cash visit venmo.com to learn more venmo stash bundle terms and exclusions apply see terms at venmo.me slash terms max 100 cash back per month urgent advice needed awkward interaction incoming him. Long time listener of the pod keeps me laughing on my commute like a lunatic at traffic lights.

32:59Please keep me anonymous as everyone involved is now happily married and respectable IKEA furniture. Back at uni there was a mutual friend of my best mate's. Let's call her Trish. About 5 foot 5, blonde and universally regarded as a 10 out of 10. Everybody thinks she is. She's nice. Trish is a dish. She'd recently got engaged when we all went on a night out. After a night of heavy drinking and flirting, we ended up back at my mate's flat. I was meant to crash in the kitchen. Turns out, so was she. Strange that she just got engaged and there's flirting going off and that, isn't it? I left the room briefly, came back, and there she was, completely naked.

33:47In the kitchen? Locking eyes with me like I'd just taken the last slice of pizza She launched herself at me and suddenly it was very much game on Strange analogy like I'd just taken the last slice of pizza I think that's a different eyes Come get me eyes It's a lifting your head up and looking in it I'm looking at somebody very differently they've just taken the last slice of pizza than if I want to get hooty fruity. Either way, it's an intense look, isn't it? Just look at it as like, I've just taken your last slice of pizza. Yeah. And then look at it as like I'm a 10 out of 10 female.