In short
The “Friday Club | The Masterplan” episode is a chaotic mix of banter and listener stories about sex, family betrayal, and scams, plus a few odd “science/sports” tangents (sperm racing, penis types, CNC). The hosts argue over credibility in a Manchester sports bar story, mock each other’s “big head” (macrocephaly) and past “head loss” edits, then pivot into explicit audience submissions.
Guests (named/identified in transcript)
No formal guests appear. The episode is mainly the hosts (frequent references to “Chris,” “John,” “Brownie,” “Matty,” “Parksy,” “Sam Peet,” “Craig Charles,” “Jonathan Pearce,” etc.). One listener contributor is “Maggie” (CNC/consent story). Other submissions are anonymous.
Key claims
Sperm racing is like Formula One with commentators; penis shapes are categorized (shower/grower/crossbreed etc.); CNC can be consensual “no balaclava” scenarios; family affairs can create “step” logistics; scammers can exploit ticket links via screenshots.
Notable examples
A “Facebook mum” sells Oasis tickets, the screenshot link works to enter, then the scammer claims she already sold them; a strip-club story where a mate is held until a €1000 dance is paid; a family affair pregnancy involving a stepbrother; a football-changing-room tale of cheating with the missus’ brother’s girlfriend under the same roof.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOTop Off in Manchester
0:45 to 4:10
A humorous debate about a story involving having one's top off in a sports bar.
“Yeah, why did you have your top off when we got here?”
Macrocephaly and Body Image
4:10 to 6:40
Discussion on body image, nicknames, and humorous observations about appearance.
“But it's our own fault because we jump on.”
Sperm Racing Discussion
6:40 to 9:10
Exploring the concept of sperm racing as a sport and its absurdities.
“get on to him fucking cut cut cut cut cut no we yeah but we fat head where's that where's that fat mic actually because we could do we bring it in proportion No, seriously, we should.”
Commentary in Sperm Racing
9:10 to 12:00
Imagining commentators and enthusiasm for a humorous sperm racing event.
“They've gone to town, it's like Formula One.”
Penis Descriptions
12:00 to 14:00
Lighthearted discussion on different types of penises and personal anecdotes.
“Narrow and then it's like an upside down mushroom.”
Discussing Ideal Characteristics of Male Anatomy
14:00 to 17:03
A humorous and candid discussion about perceptions of male anatomy.
“In terms of base, I wouldn't say it was the widest.”
Friday Club Submission: Infidelity Story
17:04 to 18:46
A listener shares a shocking story about a friend's infidelity and unexpected pregnancy.
“She's been rotating the squad like a pre-season friendly.”
Family Dynamics and Morality
18:47 to 20:36
Exploration of complicated family relationships resulting from infidelity.
“They like to keep it in the family, don't they?”
Inappropriate Behavior Among Friends
20:37 to 22:24
An outrageous story highlighting questionable behavior of friends at social gatherings.
“He's a good-looking lad, could pull women easily, and my God, he would throw the leg over anyone on a night out, even if she was a one out of ten.”
The Reality of Secret Affairs
22:25 to 25:44
Discussion about the complexities and absurdities of maintaining secret affairs.
“As they got back to the parents' house, his missus was upstairs asleep and the brother's girlfriend was also staying over.”
Show all 25 chapters
Anticipation and Anxiety Over Concert Tickets
25:45 to 28:06
A listener recounts the stressful experience of waiting for concert tickets amidst uncertainty.
“I think he's just not, he is a dog isn't he you're about people having second phones and all that stuff and hiding stuff and snicking rolls of whoops If I ever wanted to have one, I'd be fucked anyway.”
Ticket Trouble: The Gig of a Lifetime
28:06 to 33:12
Learn about the frantic last-minute efforts to secure concert tickets and the unexpected twists.
“convinced my mate to get second hand tickets for another day from via go go for 250 quid each which I was more than willing to pay for the gig of a lifetime.”
The Dilemma of Guilt and Excitement
33:12 to 35:18
Explore the conflicting emotions of getting free tickets while contemplating the ethical implications.
“You know when you realise you can take the screenshot.”
Navigating Consent and Role Play
35:18 to 37:30
Discuss the nuances of consent and role play in adult relationships, highlighting personal experiences.
“I went watching Foo Fighters at Wembley Stadium.”
Understanding Contextual Consent
37:30 to 42:00
Delve into the concept of contextual consent and its varying levels in intimate situations.
“yeah Maggie's going to go into details of other ways you can have CNC.”
Levels of the Game
42:00 to 42:30
The hosts discuss various levels of involvement in risky scenarios.
“And again, there's levels to the game because the extreme is getting a stranger.”
Chewing Gum on the Train
42:30 to 43:40
A humorous encounter on a train involving a piece of chewing gum.
“She's got to get her full job done, ain't she?”
Lads Holiday in Krakow
43:40 to 47:45
A thrilling recount of a boys' holiday filled with unexpected escapades.
“It's the scenario she said, I'm in the thingy with knee knickers on.”
The Price of a Dance
47:45 to 52:30
The story unfolds about a friend's reckless spending at a strip club.
“First night we go out clubbing, proper European sesh.”
Consequences of Recklessness
52:30 to 56:00
Discussion on whether to bail a friend out of a financial mess or let them learn a lesson.
“Or would you have let him get a hiding and learn his lesson for not spending more than what is in his account?”
Car Crash and Parental Guidance
56:00 to 57:08
Learn about the humorous repercussions of a car accident and parental advice.
“So he's like, fucking hell, fucking hell.”
Dad Diaries: Holiday Stories
57:08 to 59:27
Explore funny and awkward holiday memories involving dad's questionable choices.
“Do you have time for me and my friend, please?”
Uncovering Family Secrets
59:27 to 1:02:24
Discover unexpected revelations about a family member's life after loss.
“So we find a nice little bar, walks in, gets himself a pint and me a shandy.”
The Funeral Director Twist
1:02:24 to 1:05:20
Hear a surprising twist involving a funeral director and a family dynamic.
“The first email at the top was from Fab Swingers.”
Housekeeping and Upcoming Events
1:05:20 to 1:07:29
Get updates on show events and light-hearted discussions about everyday life.
“I've got a lady in the room, she's in a ballroom dancing dress.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:04Hey, hey, it's the Friday Club, the weekend's here, get in that pub, it's Friday Club, Bing, bang, bosh, with all of your favourites from under the cussle. If you want to share a story, you'll relive a form of glory Futter the wheat or clapping them cheeks Maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank It's all here on the Friday Club
0:30It's all here on the Friday Club Nothing screams I'm feeling myself from the Killerman jabs than strutting around a busy, plush Manchester sports bar with your top off. Yeah, why did you have your top off when we got here? So, this is the thing. So, you know when you're going to tell a story and you add shit in? What shit? I'm going to interrupt you there. What shit? A busy sports bar. Oh, I saw you strutting, so that bit's true. A busy sports bar, you said, right? So I'm in here, we're upstairs in the box in Manchester, there's only me here, but it's a busy sports bar. It's busy on a Saturday night.
1:16You lose all credibility. On a Saturday night it gets busy. Oh well, I walked down to the pool on holiday with my speedos on. You should be a politician you because you're dodging the actual point. You had your top off in a plush Manchester sports bar. It's a nice gaff, it's not plush, it's just a nice sports bar. Plush is not the right, so you think it's plush. Already I've found two things that are wrong with your story. Why did you have your top off? Because I got off the train at Manchester Piccadilly and I put this postcode in. And it said 23-minute walk. I was walking for five minutes. No, sorry.
1:51I was walking for 10 minutes and I was then 32 minutes away. So I walk in the wrong way. Your story loses all credibility when you get things wrong. So I need to get here. so I put a brisk walk on go to your your work here I was warm I got me this t-shirt on I got me shacket whatever they call them and my gilet on so I got in here I read up we recorded it with pick marks so I took my top off I put a picture on my Instagram and this isn't a criticism right but I think these jobs have made your head look massive it's not a criticism it's just you are like a massive dwarf I'm gonna have to I'm going to have to show you, Chris.
2:36And I hope you can put it on the screen. Do they not mean? Oh, it is big, isn't it? You look like one of them bobbleheads. There we are. It's out of proportion. Yeah, it does look like I'd done it. Someone has a message going, he looks like a lollipop. But there's a thing for it. The name of it. Big Head Syndrome. No. Fat Head.
2:59Suedocitus. Macrocephaly. Right. Have I got macrocephaly now? Macrocephaly. So I'm not calling you Jabba. I'm calling you Macca. No bother. You'll call me what you want. I've heard that actually. You know, if you're on the jabs, you know how your ears and nose never stop growing as you get older. When you're on the jabs, it extends to your full head.
3:22I was in the gym this morning, right? And it was Sam Peet. He's not a kosher, but he just was on my Instagram and that. He came over and he went, we used recording with that gimp from the family last week. I went, what do you mean? He went, that dancing dad. We used recording with him. I went, no, that's Parksy, that. That's Big John. But he was being genuine because he obviously doesn't listen to the podcast, but he knows. You are looking more like him because people used to reference it before. and now because he's got a big head as well he's a macrophiliac as well whatever the call
4:09macrophilia macrocephalic you're fucking finished by the way i like these so that's the reason i had my shirt up because i'd walked for 45 minutes near enough to get here and i was warm and i was sweating a bit he does like he just wants a bit of which we all do his belly rubbing tickling I want it smaller in my belly not rubbing bit of praise which I don't like you were like a budder when we come in you're rubbing the bellies for good luck aren't you budder do you know can I go straight in with we all alright by the way yeah I'm good I were I were confidence has took a massive hit to be fair you are the conductor of no I don't know if you are actually he's a fucking arsehole it's either me or you that gets it Yeah, it is.
4:57But it's our own fault because we jump on. He thinks he's picture perfect. That's what it is. Oh, yeah. Do you know how many times I got asked? How the turns have tabled. I got asked, are you hungry, Biggin? Yeah, but we don't bring them up. Hungry son. So basically, it's a human anteater in it with a big gooter. I keep getting served big nose videos now. What do you mean? You know after the algorithm. Yeah, you know, after you shared that one, that guy getting his hair cut, I keep getting clips from the world's biggest nose competition. Have you seen them? I got tagged in that a few times as well.
5:35You know what this is? This is just like a smoke screen. So he brings his nose up, so it's like a defence mechanism. He brings it up all the time. No, I don't bring it up. You do? I never bring it up. It'll be a retaliation. What he does is he goes all out of tack and then just a little pop at himself at the end. Yeah, yeah. We've seen your tactics, Chrissie. we know where you're coming from now we're friends again all of us can we speak about that the head loss in two episodes ago when I came for your track of your bottoms yeah terrible terrible mood I was in a bad mood now we're doing the video there's no hiding place because I was it was visible thinking it's written all over your face that you're livid and there was that much cut from the oh my yeah because it went on for too long it was bordering on bullying it was bullying it went on because when I was going through the edit I was like Jesus this is going on for a long time it's alright for you to say about my fat head and everything yeah but we've moved yeah it's sound no bother at all we've moved on now as soon as we can get on to him fucking cut cut cut cut cut no we yeah but we fat head
6:48where's that where's that fat mic actually because we could do we bring it in proportion No, seriously, we should. It took us that fat mouth. Yeah, but we've moved on now, and that went on and on, and then we'd do an email, and then we'd go back again. It was a good head loss, though, wasn't it? Yeah. Let's get this sorted. Yeah, that's better for you, that job. Oh, what are you doing? I saw an article today about sperm racing. Oh. oh aye that's it you look like we're all looks like we're all in the same room now you look like you're doing Formula 1 it's too big sperm racing is a sport so that they get the wheelchair so they've got these, I should have really done some more research before I brought this up, but they've got these cards and they make a track like microscopic track and then they release different sperm into it and do a time trial the thing you can enter the the thing is the thing is with that you can't train it you can't do any training can you you can't get any better at this no testosterone i think diet plays a big part but on how fast your sperm swims yeah must do genetics it's a shame you can't you can't you can't train genetics what do you mean you can't your genetics yeah it's a shame oh
8:33see it's a shame that you've got to give them it in a test tube and then it gets frozen or whatever and then and then they get released oh you want it straight out of the eye i'm thinking straight of the traps right because that that would play a part in your performance you'd be struggling up the traps yeah yeah because it'd just fall on table and then they'd have to shoo it onto track yeah quite awkward yeah get an hotel card blessing get an hotel card and like a window cleaner does with that thingy lad but the um yeah i just i just saw the article but They've gone to town, it's like Formula One.
9:12They've got commentators, the full shebang. Who's done this, man? There's some heavy investment gone into it. There's people with a lot of time on their hands, isn't there? Who would you want commentating on your spunk racing? What was he called on Who Used To Do Robot Wars? No. Martin. Yes. Declan. Craig Charles. I'd have to Craig Charles as well, but what was he called? He got really excited. I don't watch Robot Wars. I'll be honest with you. He used to do football as well. He did football when football went on Channel 5. Jonathan Pearce? Yes, Jonathan Pearce. And they're out the traps. Chaos 2.
9:57So you'd want enthusiasm. I'd want like a Peter Drury. You know, he does the long... You know when he won the World Cup, Messi? I think I wanted to produce a piece of brilliant... yeah poetry yeah yes I don't know I don't know the names of them but somebody who does the horse racing mccurric I don't think they're gonna have taught that fast John and we're off and we're a furlongin and Chrissy Brown's he's in the lead he's all that sort of stuff I'll be honest with you I'm never gonna send my sperm in Is that what you're insinuating that we should? I think we should, yeah. Oh my God. What, what, like...
10:45Grass needs cutting, John. No, no, no, I'm just filling my test tube up. We've got a race on Saturday. This is... Is this one of the wankers? This is what it... How it's set up. Full crowd. Here they are. Insertion.
11:08on this screen, swimming to the finish line. Nah. And out of the nose is who's. They've all got different shirts on. What's that? That bit just get loads on your head.
11:25The Trojan. Deserved winner. It's going to be big time. We need to get ahead of the curve. They've gone to town on it. I like the Trojan. Would you have a sperm name? The Dribbler. Yeah. The Splodge. Would that be yours? Or his? No, I'd be the Rocket. It was better viewing than what I thought. Yeah. You know, the tadpole. I did wonder as well myself, how do they know which is which? On that then, so we're on from the sperm. How will you describe your penis? get it up Chrissy so we've got six or eight penises how many do you describe yours talk us through six penises we've got curved penis bends upwards downwards or sideways obviously you've seen a lot more willies than I have dressing rooms and that, have you seen a few of them notably Pascal gal we've got the straight penis linear in shape with no noticeable curvature curvature because there's a light in me in my eye we've got the wider base which also known as a traffic cone broad at the base and narrowing towards the top that's a tip but we've got the wider glands you see have you ever seen one of them it looks like a cartoon yeah i've seen it yeah i haven't to any more of that.
13:00You have. It's kind of narrow. Well, it's on screen. Narrow and then it's like an upside down mushroom. More volume towards the tip. Slimmer shaft. So basically big helmet. Yeah. We've got shower. Appears large when flaccid. Minimal change when erect. It's not what you want, is it? Is it not? No, because no surprise for them then, is there? Or have you got this John Parkin? The grower. Grows significantly significantly from flaccid to erect. Right. Where are you? I'm somewhere between the grower and the shower. You'd think it was a grower, but then afterwards you realise it's just a shower. Right.
13:48Illusion then. Yeah. Where are you, Chrissie? I think grower. For me? I've not seen it erect. I bloody have. What's going to say? How the fuck do you know? Yeah, I grow up. Maybe it's a bit of straight thrown in. We've got a wide base. A thingy breed, crossbreed. You've got a wide base. In terms of base, I wouldn't say it was the widest. No. If we're talking bases. You've been converting here because I've seen it. What about if she walks over there? Does it go curved? Nah. It's interesting. Where are you going? We've all got penises here, by the way. Why are we just focusing on mine? Matty, what's yours like?
14:33And then when he ejaculates, it's a wider glance. It sneezes. Like when they're going on beach. What do they call them? Metal detectors.
14:47Yeah, definitely in the grower me. Grower and straight. Yeah. Yeah. Cross-breed. What's the perfect penis in then? I don't think there is one. No. Because you want the shower that's also a grower. That's what you want. In an ideal world. Yeah, it looks massive. And then when it gets angry, it is massive. But do all showers have lines on them like that? Like a tree trunk. Tiger? Yeah. I'd definitely name it Bent Knob. Normal Knob. I've not seen many old man willies, but do they change a lot? your balls get lower don't they? Funny enough they never played with that many old men No but that's what I'm saying you might have seen some Why will we have seen more?
15:36Cricket Churringing Room Good point well made Chris Yeah Cottaging I think they go a bit I don't know what that means I don't know they might go a bit concave on the eye might retract a little bit I think the older you get I tell you what I have noticed the more weight you put on the more smaller it's smaller it goes what's been is that just looks smaller in the mirror or no just it just obviously when you get going it's still same but yeah but it's just your environment in it it's like you sat next to us your head looks massive but just stand up against the wall and it's normal size. Do you prefer lollipop or macrosurfiliac?
16:23What? Call me what you want, I really don't give a fault. Or should we just stick with Jabba? Whatever makes you lads happy, you'll call me what you want. Help, step bro. This is right up there when you actually said, this is brilliant. It's one of the worst things I've ever heard. I didn't say brilliant, I said it was a beauty. Friday club submission. Lads, long time listeners, so I don't know if this is a group effort. Love the Cosh first time Friday Club submission. Probably best to keep the story anonymous. A couple of years back, one of our mates gets absolutely done over by his fiancée, catches her playing away.
17:10Not just a quiet little cameo either. She's been rotating the squad like a pre-season friendly. Oh dear. Our lad thought he was the main man. It turns out he was just keeping the t-shirt warm while the others were getting minutes. Oh, that's... The plural is bad, isn't it? There's enough to make you feel sick, isn't it? Especially after nachos. Relationship done. Fast forward to yesterday. She's announced she's pregnant. You think, fair play, she's moved on again. then you see who scored is it sperm race by the way this is not the one I'm on about it's her boyfriend's son what sorry it's her mum's boyfriend's son her mum's boyfriend's son so not even playing away from home anymore she's just picked somebody off the family whatsapp group she's a dirty pig It's a mum's boyfriend.
18:16So they could be the same age. Yeah. They probably will be about the same age. Is Christmas Day now a double date night? Are their parents now classed as step-parents or in-laws? Moral of the story, sometimes getting subbed off early is the best thing that can happen to you. And there's an honourable mention for absolutely no reason at the engagement do a couple of years back. One of the lads ended up nodging. I went for nobbing and nodging her mum. But the other mums is bad. They like to keep it in the family, don't they? So essentially, she's having a child with her stepbrother. Yeah. What's the laws on that?
19:03Law-wise. No. There's no bloodline. She's sound. They're not getting in bother with police, but morally, morally yeah but logistically yeah yeah yeah keep it all under one roof don't you you've got you've got mom you've got stepdad you've got the mother and the father so you've got definitely got babysitter that most nights of weekend yeah yeah oh no because that that halfs your chances for babysitters usually have two sets of per two sides so you've you've slash your odds of getting a babysitter in half. Where it does come in handy is Christmas dinner where we go in, we're going to your mum's and mine.
19:47Just one visit. She sounds like a bloody trollop, doesn't she? That's harsh, John. No, no. It's outrageous. A couple of tea. That's not the one that I were going to go in with. I'll go in with the other one after then. Yeah, it's going to cause a bit of family problems at some point. I think. Do you think? Because she's going to still be shagging, isn't she? Yeah, there's that as well. Mum's probably still shagging her arm. Yeah, so it's, yeah, not great. Trolloposaurus.
20:26So, this is the one that I thought you were going to read out. Football changing room stories, anything goes. All right, lads, love the podcast, blah, blah, blah. Please keep me anonymous as you might know this lad Could be a listener and you boys would have played against him I know John has but don't know about Brownie So I've played against him definitely you might have done After listening to the podcast it always comes back to the story I heard from one of the lads As you know anything goes in a football training room The lad had a missus from a young age They lived together with her parents for years in early stages.
21:09He's a good-looking lad, could pull women easily, and my God, he would throw the leg over anyone on a night out, even if she was a one out of ten. So already, he's not up in our estimation, is he so far? He's a dirty dog. The missus' brother also lived in the house, and his girlfriend would regularly stay over in the house. Most weekends he would go out with the brother to town And they'd both be pulling women on a regular basis That's a strange setup already So he's going out with his missus' brother And they're both chucking their willies about The lads couldn't believe it As he was going out with his sister And the brother would be watching on They would be going to strip clubs And go back to hotels with women Most of the time going the full way The brother would just laugh it off as if it was one of his mates.
22:04What are you doing? No, I can't put myself in that situation. Absolutely. Do you know me? It gets worse. One Monday, he came in and says, lads, you'll never guess what happened over the weekend. Me and her brother went out and we both got pissed. As they got back to the parents' house, his missus was upstairs asleep and the brother's girlfriend was also staying over. She was awake as they came in and the brother was so pissed that he passed out when he got in. You know where it's going? We all know where it's going. They had to carry him upstairs. After they tucked him in, he asked if she wanted to join him for another drink.
22:57After a couple of drinks, he said she got really touchy and they ended up having sex with the girlfriend. This is a real family affair so far, this episode. Four months on, and he said they would always be sneaking off in the house for a quickie or going to the shop together and banging in the car. he used to think it were great it's not even a one off that is outrageous the lads would always be asking him when he'd been out of the weekend and waiting to hear the stories he had we just couldn't get our head around the fact that his missus' brother would know that he was out cheating on her most weekends and he couldn't give a fuck about it never mind banging his girlfriend is that karma for the brother so basically what do you think lads It is, but he could do it with some karma and all, couldn't he?
23:49Oh, yeah. That is outrageous. When they go to the shop, do you think they've got the list of what they need? And then they're like, right, we need egg, milk, sugar, cereal. You get them. I'll get X, Y, and Z. Quick, quick, quick. Because they've got to justify why they've been so long. So it's like supermarket sweep. Bang, bang, bang. Right, get it in. Oh, brilliant. That's the best time yet. Right, come on, let's go to a lay-by. It would be a sneaky thing to do. Get the shopping the day before. Keep it in the car. Keep it in the boot. Not when you've got notes. You've just got to watch. Get rid of receipt.
24:30That is... I like what you've done there, Chrissie. So that's like... you shagging your damn bird. Regular. Under one roof. Yeah, regular. That is disgusting. Yeah. that's like the fact that I tell you what else is disgusting no it's not is it what disgusting no it's not like me shagging my brother's bird yeah it is no because he's just shagging her brother's her alright yeah yeah it's still bad still bad yeah yeah you know like I've got it a bit wrong with the exact detail there but it's still really bad yeah but the fact that he's shagging birds on a Saturday night when he's going out with his sister anyway how bad's that?
25:24That's why I was going out with the karma thing that he's not going what the fuck's going on Yeah I wonder if he I bet he never suspects either does he I bet he'll not do it to me He's a dirty dog but he won't do it to me Yeah he won't do it to me I definitely didn't say that was a beauty Can I just clarify that? The one that was on me bar That's one of the worst I've heard that I think mm-hmm one issue if you did get this shop in the day before you won't be able to get any whoopsies
25:53if you don't want to give yourself away and she's mom gets well tell you what you could do these went off yesterday I thought you could do steal a roll of whoopsie stuff from the shop they put it on out then yeah yeah you could tell any chance I'm like I know it's not oh it's not great but I'm shagging me birds brothers I'm shagging me birds brothers bird the only time I get some whoopsies just for to keep it a bit of a secret I imagine if you're having an affair you must just be on edge all time I am this fella won't be do you not think he's arsed? Do you think he's a dog? I think he's just not, he is a dog isn't he you're about people having second phones and all that stuff and hiding stuff and snicking rolls of whoops If I ever wanted to have one, I'd be fucked anyway.
26:46Forget stuff. When she opens a glove compartment, she's like, why have you got to roll the whoopsie stickers in here? What's going on? The one that kept it in his car, aren't I? And threw it out the window, the phone. So you just knows, don't you? But prove it. Prove it. Nah, it's so bad, that. I've got to go with a cautious courtroom. I haven't read this. Hiya, fellas. Love the show, blah-de-blah Please keep me anonymous due to By the way, this is probably one of the worst ideas for you You know, because you're blind You're blind and your screen's now even further away than your phone is Please keep me anonymous due to potentially incriminating evidence This is the first time we've had it in block red With a laughy face after it Finally got round to emailing this story in And trust me, it's worth it rewind back to last summer and myself and seven other friends got tickets to an oasis gig at heaton park all the same day anyone who tried to get tickets knows how difficult it was anyway unfortunately or fortunately in brackets the football club i worked for booked the pre-season totem are bayer on the same week meaning i'd have to miss the gig absolutely gutted i managed to convinced my mate to get second hand tickets for another day from via go go for 250 quid each which I was more than willing to pay for the gig of a lifetime.
28:17These were secured a few months before the gig so all we had to do was patiently wait for the tickets to land in my inbox and enjoy the day or so we thought. The day was creeping closer and still no sign of the tickets. I read online that some people got them on the day of the gig which eased my nerves slightly but it still didn't sit right with me. By the way, we've experienced this with the tickets in Qatar. It's a nervous wait, isn't it? The morning of the gig, still no tickets. We got on the train absolutely fucking praying that they'd be delivered to my email before the gig. After hours and hours of back and forth with the pitiful live chat feature and over the phone all insisting I'll get them before the gig.
29:03Well, it's 4pm and the gig starts in a few hours. Any fucking chance? Eventually, they put us out of our misery. The seller could not deliver the tickets. You fucking what? My head was a shed, full of shite. In the middle of Manchester, Oasis blasting out of every bar and every fucker dressed like the Gallaghers. Shoot me. We We headed for an emergency pint to get our heads together and scrape together any ideas we could. We scrolled through X and Facebook to see if there was any last minute tickets for sale, but it was filled with bots and scammers. I might be relatively thick, but it was clearly obvious.
29:50Until... My mate spotted a woman who looked more normal than the rest on Facebook. profile picture of her kids all the telltale signs of a middle aged Facebook mum she was selling two tickets for 300 quid each as weirdly she'd bought them a few days before but now couldn't go strange, beggars couldn't be choosers though and we were definitely beggars in this situation we messaged her and long story short she says there's 10 other people after these tickets and starts to drive the price up after discussions of whether we could afford to risk another 400 quid each we and the answer was basically a no and we couldn't be asked having our pants pulled down again head in hands consigned to defeat only half a pint of shy tail to drown our sorrows but then ping another message of the bird wanting to shift them tickets a screenshot of the email that she had confirming our ticket order.
30:53This was the last gasp attempt to convince us she was legit. On the email it said, thanks for your email etc all the usual stuff and the link to ticket 1 followed by the link to ticket 2 followed by another link. Those links could go anywhere or you might need a login to access. She's trying to pull a fast one, my mate said, to which I agreed, until the best fucking brave wave I've had in my life Send me that fucking screenshot I said to my mate Now, I don't know how many people realise this But even if it's a screenshot If you click on and hold the link Even on a screenshot It works That's what I did What popped up?
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31:36Two fucking Oasis ticket Tonight Heaton Bastard Park The fucker wasn't lying A lot of swearing We downed our pints And legged it to the nearest tram and probably set the world record for the time taken to get to Heaton Park from Manchester City Centre. Still shitting ourselves and incredibly excited at the same time we approach the gate. Ping, green light, ping, green light. And we're in from despair literally 45 minutes ago and ticketless to both of us in the most sought-after gig in the world, scot-free. After we got in and got a pint, our consciences, a bit like John's after the jabs, set in.
32:22My mate and I agreed to buy the tickets off the lady for the original price, so my mate set about contacting her, but the signal in Heaton Park was ropey at best. When my mate eventually got through, her response was, Sorry love, I've already sold them to two other girls. No, no, no. So if you're reading this and you bought two tickets off Facebook mum and couldn't get in, really sorry that one's on us the perfect crime nobody's suspecting a thing we get in for free in my eyes conscience is clear and we generally were going to pay for the tickets as we knew they were legit ones when we got in the cherry on top of the cake after a lot of back and forth we got our money back off via go-go so all in all watch the greatest band on earth completely free am I a genius or am I a scumbag up the fucking cosh I'm thinking a little bit of both mate yeah we'd all do it wouldn't we if you really wanted to go I think you probably would and it does seem like they had every intention of paying I feel sorry for the two girls they're the real victims Facebook mum's got her money for the tickets there's two young lasses absolutely dripping like a broken tap because they think they've got these tickets they've got them lastminute.com they've got to this thing put the ticket on the the bit where you put them and cross yeah as these two girls think they've been a victim of fraud yep yeah so Facebook mum Facebook mum might be getting reported to the police yeah do not they'll be paused do not buy tickets off this bitch but it is genius scammer that moment of excitement when you realise there's a loophole.
34:11You know when you realise you can take the screenshot. Yeah, so they've copied the link and then they're opened still. Yeah, it's twatish behaviour but understandable. The fact they've got the door back for their own tickets and all, it's just worked out perfect, hasn't it? Yeah, I don't know how I feel about it because if I was in that situation... You're doing it. 100%. You're high-fiving, aren't you? Yeah. And they were going to pay for the ticket So from them personally, they wanted to go about it in a legit manner. It's a thought that counts, isn't it? Yeah, they thought about it. It was an afterthought, wasn't it?
34:51It wasn't the first thought, it was an afterthought. The first thought is, we have fucking played a blinder. We've got this for free. Bearing in mind, they'd obviously pay for the tickets off this via Go-Go or whatever. Yeah. But they're in for free, aren't they? But it's a cautious courtroom. Scumbags are genius. it's a tough one this I'm going to go genius I'm going to go genius yeah strike me down three geniuses here lads we all enjoyed the concert in the apple store I think we'd all do it wouldn't we you're never going to see the two lasses are you bless them I know would you pay the favour back paid forward sorry would you buy somebody a pint or a stranger just to make yourself feel better yeah maybe hell yeah Little tip, I don't know if I mentioned this before.
35:42I went watching Foo Fighters at Wembley Stadium. We were writing the gods. Literally you needed binoculars. I think I've mentioned this but I just got the steward and I said to Rose, just lay it on thick. I said, my wife's the first time we've ever been in a football stadium. she's got vertigo her anxiety's through the roof here she's panicking he said I'll come up he come up and Rose to refer to her Oscar performance she put a bit of a shake on next he said no problem sir you come with me and we were in hospitality comfy seats private bar my hero little wins yeah that's I don't see on that one nobody's there's no victims is there no no victims there is actually two victims on this one yeah yeah Chris can I have the C &C on the big dog please yep there's a female C &C C &C got in touch Maggie her name is not a real name sexy thing I think she's sexy right keep me anonymous three sexies sold genius yeah three sexes keep me anonymous please long time female listener of Friday Club and I thought I'd give my two pence on CNC quick bit of context in case anybody hasn't listened consent no consent yes breaking they really know but you're breaking you have sex with them and you all think that it's not really that was just an example of the breaking in yeah Maggie's going to go into details of other ways you can have CNC.
37:37So you don't have to break an entry on a mall? Just out of it. All right. Just out of it. Just out of it on a couch or in a wardrobe. Yeah. I'll come back to my reason after. I obviously can't speak for everyone who enjoys CNC, so this is just my personal experience. CNC isn't all that extreme. I personally don't particularly have any interest in being scared, yelled at, or hurt in any way. and the back of my partner's work van is full of glass. His is definitely the worst to be abducted by. Yeah, you don't want shards in your knees. Do you think he's a double glazing fitting man? Yeah. You don't want shards in your knees, do you?
38:23Or a recycler. He could be. Could be into recycling. Could be stained glass. Two churches and that. So if you're looking to get into C &C without having to buy a balaclava, look up free use and lead with that. Imagine this. Your partner has agreed to be yours to do what you'd like with within previously agreed boundaries and time limits, obviously. I've been fucking tied up here for seven days. Any chance you can knock your head, mate? And she's given an example. She's cooking in the kitchen, wearing a dress with nothing underneath. and you know for certain you can walk up behind her, run your hands up the inside of her thighs and then just bend her over the counter and have her right there and then without saying a word.
39:16Sorry. Yeah, I'll take a moment to compose myself. Having been that woman, trust me, it can be pretty hot if you're into it. The softer side of C &C can still use things like role play, restraints and sensory deprivation. As with anything, the more real it feels, the better. But it goes without saying that the consent is the most important part. My partner and I have no signed contracts, but we've taken a lot of time to discuss what we both enjoy and what our boundaries are. He's amazing, kind, caring, and has made it so clear that he wants to understand me and what I get out of C &C. The more you trust somebody, the safer you feel, giving your body to them to use.
40:13And the less likely it is anybody getting framed for a house invasion. Of course, this just covers a small part of what C &C can be. My personal kinks are related to all of it but i didn't go into it here yet because nobody wants an essay we bloody do maggie let's tell you that if you have any other questions about it i'd be happy to try and answer them oh you got anybody twitch yeah i've gone from um i've not I've gone from grower to shore. In one pile of swope. His jeans are a bit tight. I've got a bend in it there. A couple of queries. You know the things she described about the in the kitchen with no thingy on?
41:04Is it just spontaneity? Yeah. Like we go, we're going to have sex now. Is that what she's saying when there's levels to the game? is that like the bottom thing where it's just an unwritten thing between you and your partner as soon as you've gone up the inside of the leg that's it bend our no just he can any time so he could be driving driving somewhere he pull in have sex like there without planning it it's just it's just agreed that if he makes the move then it's happening yeah is that right yeah maybe or if she's at work working from home on a laptop, if he wants it, he can come in and she's got to, not got to, but she's, well, that's where the consent...
41:52Yeah, I know, Chris, I know. She can't turn him down. And I do kind of get that. Yeah, it's all consensual. And again, there's levels to the game because the extreme is getting a stranger. Your fruit window. Straight in. Is that not just... Is that CNC or is that just normal chucking you at it ring? You think it's a tamer version? It's the lowest level of CNC. Entry level. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm all for it. Yeah. Are we in? Yeah. Yeah. Good. So you're all in for this one. What about the balaclava and job? I could endorse the break-in. Yeah. not the not the van not the kidnap the van's a bit much but if someone like laid that scenario out yeah I could get behind it you know if if he's if he's got a balaclava on you know the the hooter she's going to know it's him isn't she guilty yeah Chris take your balaclava off and just come and have sex with me Big Chris I'll tell you what I am doing I'm making sure every pot's washed and dried up before I bend her over.
43:14Yeah. Half a job. She's got to get her full job done, ain't she? Would you let her go back to her after? Yeah, she can do it after, can't she? Give her the 30 seconds worth. Yeah, I reckon the water's still warm. She's not going to have to fill the sink back up with the water. Yeah, don't even put any more furrian. Suds are still aplenty. Yeah, that was quite erotic, that. Thanks, Maggie. Yeah. You got any... Just go down and have a look at it again, Chris. I think we all agree, Maggie, that we all fancy it, don't we? It's the scenario she said, I'm in the thingy with knee knickers on. Yeah. Investigation work.
43:54Babyship. Oh, my goodness. Just let the girl be anonymous, man. She's done us a favour, right, hasn't it? No, she's not only into CNC, she's a mother. You've narrated Anne already from some, haven't you? She's wrote on, she's got us a semi on. Sorry, mag. Oh, prick on the train this morning, man. Fucking, what is it with some people? So I'm on the train and it's quite full. Pretty much every seat's gone. And I'm sat here next to the aisle. There's a seat next to me, nobody on it. But there's a piece of chewing gum on it. So nobody can sit down. Some guy came over and says, oh, can I sit in there?
44:39I said well you can mate but there's some chewing gum on it like oh no problem no problem erm so this woman comes up youngish, ah pretty and all she went er can I get in there I went well you can if you want but chewing gum on things she went pfft like I just gone no fuckers sitting there yeah I've said that before though what? little tip for if you want a bit of privacy when you're on train just stick a bit of chewing gum on the seat yeah i remember that just lies man it was like she touched it at us right she could have been talking at just that news being delivered that news yeah but i i i don't think she i don't think i deserve to be off that no that's what i mean maybe your delivery oh she should have gone scandalous that in it yeah i'd have gone yeah yeah it's not out of order but i think i think if someone said that and i i I would go and then just carry on walking.
45:42I don't think it was directed at you. But I don't think it was directed at you. Well, you were on the train, Chris. I'm telling you now, it was directed at me. As if she wanted me to go and sit in it. Go on, what was your delivery again? I went, well, you can do it, but there's some chewing gum on the seat. Well, you could do, but there's chewing gum on the seat.
46:03I'm confused for it. Jog on. I think you've been a little bit harsh there, John. she was a prick prick she uffed she uffed she's a kosher she uffed as though it were at my fault and I was like well sit down if you want wait on your coat I think you're just being defensive I suppose you were protecting her from yeah the guy who asked previous yeah oh thank you yeah yeah thank you oh thanks for letting us know yeah no just a dick hmm what about somebody selling another cost jersey on Vinted for 50 quid? No. Not even you with tags. Just in very good condition. Worn. Match worn. Match worn. It says here might stink of the bald one.
46:51Have you given it to somebody? That's why it's 50 quid. Yeah. I wonder if that's you'll be moonlighting on the OnlyFans we are to but you thought I'll go on Vinted. What's it called? Vinted. Sell my clobber. 50 quid. There is that sign that I spoke about you know the one that stinks sign. What did you say? Toxic. Yeah. There's that attached to it. It's been sold on recent. It must be yours.
47:24Dear Coshers, I'm a massive fan of Friday Club Always Has Me in Stitches. This podcast has helped me through some rough times, so thank you and all that bollocks. Please keep me anonymous as all of us are in happy relationships and one is even married. But let me take you back to our first lads holiday. Krakow, Poland for a long weekend. Done that. First night we go out clubbing, proper European sesh. We lose one man to two Polish ladies. Fair play, they were both fit. Then three of us leave the club. Walking through Krakow Square, there we are getting asked by a fit... I don't like the word bird.
48:08It's not your thing. Walking through Krakow Square when we get asked by a fit bird, seven out of ten in brackets, if we fancy going somewhere with women and one-euro drinks. Good saleswoman. Yeah. What are these lads like? Which bit are you more excited about, the one-euro drinks or the women? The euro drinks. Ooh. Would you like to pay five euros? And even more birds. We all decided to go. Mainly hypnotised by this woman's lovely set of personalities. Anyways, we end up in this bar. Fit birds, nine out of tens in bracket, wall to wall. Mostly semi-naked. It takes a few minutes, but we work out it's a strip club.
49:01A few minutes? I'm thinking within three seconds you know how many polls do you need to see to work out it's a strip club they're in crack house will be difficult we go to the bar and get aforementioned one euro drinks that's already surprised me just say oh you're up it weren't really yeah we sit down and taking the views a few Two minutes pass and three fit birds sit in between us and we all end up chatting to the semi-naked girl to our left. Me and let's call him Charlie bin off our birds. They then go off seeking their next victim. Our mate, let's call him Mountbatten, ends up leaving for a dance.
49:56Mountbatten Me and Charlie are then there chatting, drinking for what feels like forever At least two hours pass and Mountbatten is nowhere to be seen Me and Charlie end up deciding just to leave him I'm sure he's fine He's a big boy, he can hold himself We're concerned how much he must have spent on dances as he wasn't the most well off, but we decided to leave him as we'd heard nothing from him for at least 90 minutes plus extra time. One minute, if that, after leaving the club, I suddenly get a signal and get a notification of 14 missed calls from Mountbatten. I immediately call him back and he answers in a panic.
50:40She won't let me go, he explains. What are you on about? I reply to the drunken haters. He then explains, slurring, he can't afford it and they're threatening him. As our first time out in a foreign titty bar, I panic. I run back into the club and see Mountbatten at the bar. Next to him, a six foot seven monster of a woman with her hand on his shoulder. I ask what's going on and this bohemoth states, he's not leaving till he pays. I'm curious to know what a bohemoth is. Mountbatten then apologises to me and says he messed up. Tears leaking out of his eyes Oh crying in front of your mates Not good My mime races to the pimps Sat outside the club with baseball bats And I panic for him I ask him how much his dance is And the gigantic bird then says 1000 euros I get my credit card out in a panic And pay my mate's bill To save his kneecaps We then leave the club With Mountbatten saying he'll pay me back in two days when he's paid.
51:53I'm fuming at his recklessness. I then end up asking him whether it was worth the grand to which he replies, I shagged her. He then goes into details on how he gave her the most average rogering of her life. He described in detail how she flirted with his wormwood and how she asked him for a shag. He, in his erect mindset, agreed to everything without any thought. So my question is, if this was you and you'd known that your mate had shagged a girl with money that he knew he didn't have, would you have done what I did and paid for him to shag a girl? Or would you have let him get a hiding and learn his lesson for not spending more than what is in his account?
52:39I have many more stories from this holiday and more if you like. Anyways, keep up the good work, up the cosh. Are you paying? A thousand. 1 ,000 euros. We've got to pay. You've got to pay for it. You can't let him get a fucking run in Keegan. I'm fuming. And I want her back. All right. It's not me. It's tomorrow. I'm not going to get paid for two days. Just give us a break, man. Give us a break. Well, yeah, he's got to pay. Yeah, you've got to pay for it. You're fuming. Yeah. But I think he's not the only person who's ever been in this situation, is he? No. You know what I mean? Got caught up in it.
53:23Obviously, you're in a foreign country. They know what they're doing. Yeah. It's one of them where you're basically... Running traps, haven't they? Yeah, you've basically been... You've had the whirlpool of your eyes. When I mentioned the pimps, it reminded us that you're going to have to beep his name, but when we went to a strip club in Vegas with s***, and I didn't want to go in. So I said, I'll just stay outside, mate. I'll see you in half an hour. I fell asleep. I was pissed. I fell asleep on the kerb outside. and i just heard commotion the commotion woke us up and as i've stood up there's this pimp bigger than me built like a bridge house running towards us fuming and i've had a drop a shoulder and leg it no thingy from no reply from couldn't get in touch with them basically that he worked up a probably similar to this worked up a bill he's worked up a bill and then they haven't let him go it's gone to like somewhat ridiculous where he's questioned it and the next thing the heavies have come out he's come back to the hotel shirt ripped basically give him a hiding yeah robbed him give him a hiding and sent him on his way but the pimp was coming for me so i was that thingy i just had to give him a one of them textbook you'd be happy with that and just legged it I thought he was dead genuinely I've never told you that the thing is if they kill him nobody gets paid yeah yeah it's a good point you know what I mean I wonder why why was he coming for me he must know that you're his mate and he's by association you need to pay yeah somebody needs to pay they took his watch but it was a fake so he wasn't asked that big the big dog do you think he played it off well do you think he played it off no no that's worth yeah but his shirt just came walking back in the hotel see on that my my pals went to Cavos they went on all it anyway and I went I went on the trip it was proper back in the day 17, 18 right and I had two cars what like you know these jimmies, Suzuki jimmies, is it?
55:40They were like the little 4x4 jobs. Anyway, they've got them for the week. Anyway, day two, one of the lads shouldn't have been driving his head too much to drink, but he's tipped the car. Tipped the car. So it's like rolled over a couple of times and the ceiling's flat. Basically it's always crushed. So he's like, fucking hell, fucking hell. So they've gone to the guy and we've had a crash. obviously you're pissed whatever so he's like you're gonna have to pay for it so he's phoned his dad dad uh there's been a little bit of an accident i've rolled the suzuki jimmy uh and i owe him four thousand pound beep you hung up on him fuck it you've got yourself in that shit you can really get yourself out of it just beep no words beep so all the lads have had to then start putting it on their credit like £700 here and a£500 here and everyone's had to obviously pay for the damage of the car but his dad just went adios get yourself out of it I like it he's on he's on his dad that's good about it you have to start looking after yourself son yeah you've fucking gone out of here you've got yourself in that predicament you've done something stupid sort it out yeah see i'm like oh i'm sweating it at me i think yeah i think that's a generational thing in it but you dad i've i've crashed my car i've got a car over here and i'm i'm four grand yeah yeah you're fuming but you're right it's tone semi details and you are when you get yeah you're paying this off you are when you get home the hang-up is savage in us yeah not one word boom I'll have that can I finish with some dad diaries blah blah blah is this normal dad behaviour some tales here from family holidays back in the 90s with me dad top show as always and the wife now listens oh any plans for a Friday club live we need to sort that out yes we'll talk about that later right he's gotten screenshots so number one I was 13 it's as if he's like doing bullet points in his phone you know like the spelling and grammar's being neglected was 13, went on holiday to Bulgaria in 1994 goes for a day out in Varna me and me dad within five minutes he's approached by two stunning Bulgarian ladies broken English accents so imagine it excuse me, I'm not going to do the Bulgarian I want him to know where to start with Bulgaria.
58:29I think he sounds a bit Russian-ish. You've got that one, haven't you? Excuse me, mister. Come on, Chrissie. Do you have time for me and my friend, please? My dad. Yeah, sure, it's 12.15. That's my dad's response. Ladies. Okay, we're not sure. Dad. 12.15. A bit louder. Them, no time for me and my friend. Dad, 12-year-old, 15-year-old.
59:03Dad, they are both wearing watches. There are a couple of Bulgarian fanny sellers. As soon as he realised... That is prime dad behaviour. He fucked us right off. Number two, Portugal 96. First night, landed to hotel. Me mum says to me dad, You and him piss off, out, I'll unpack, etc. Son, I'll take you for a beer. Okay, Dad, cheers. So we find a nice little bar, walks in, gets himself a pint and me a shandy. Suddenly I'm getting loads of funny looks and so is me Dad. Leave the drink, we're going now. What was my reply? Move, we are leaving now. Turns out Daddy, boy, has only took me to a gay bar.
59:53And he looks like he's team leader for the pedo FC team. Fuck's sake. A young lad on his arm. So, so far we have brass in Bulgaria and gay bars in the Algarve. Portugal 96 again. Oh, no. Number three. Same fucking holiday a few nights later. We went to a barbecue at the hotel. Ended up drinking a few too many suitor box. I was kipping on a shit pullout bed. it's a bit worse for wear me mum says get in the double with your dad tonight yes thanks for that I goes to sleep and thinks nought else early morning me dad gets up for a piss and gets back in bed oh fuck he grabs me and says come here and give us a cuddle
1:00:42pointing in his back get out of my back dad I was awake out of that bed in a second and screaming at him Me dad's a pedo and a nonce. He's laying on the bed going, oh, sorry, I thought it was your mother. A couple of hours later, it dawns on me that he was trying to get it on with what he thought was me mam. Never been away with M2 since. That was a tough read. So then, two holidays, Brasser's Gear Bar, non-stubbed by me dad. Non-stubbed by me dad.
1:01:18Buckle up. This is a bit of a long one, but well worth it. I was in my early 20s and my mum passed away after a short battle with cancer. The following days and weeks were a touch of a blur. The humanists came around to discuss the eulogy. My mum's husband, who we will call Dave, said she was a ballroom dancer and used to go on a Monday to ballroom dancing lessons. A little chuckle and thought, she never used to go to ballroom dancing. She was seeing her other man. I like the regular arrangement. One day afternoon, I'm coming round with the shoes. It finally clicked. Tap. It finally clicked where she had been going.
1:02:07After that was sorted, Dave handed me her phone and said, don't worry, I have deleted the dirty stuff. No need, is there? No need. Come on, Dave. Mum's just died. Sorted out, Dave. I thought to myself, not sure why I needed to know, but I went on her phone anyway to clean it up and delete her work emails. The first email at the top was from Fab Swingers. A couple had been emailing saying they wanted to be friends in and outside of the bedroom as good friends were hard to come by. That were in them lads. Come by. I thought it was a nice touch.
1:02:52Pictures included, and the man, who we'll call Derek, had a penis that I can only describe as a right angle. It's a photo of this bastard. I don't think so, no. The female, who we'll call Jan, was in some compromising positions and looked experienced. I was chuckling away and thought, Jesus, this man can shag round corners. What do you think makes a look experienced? Is it in the face? No, I think flexibility. Loose lips. Saggy flaps. Yeah. Hippos yawn. Oh, yeah. Snuffing crocodile. There was also pictures of Dave in women's underwear. Oh, not so funny now, are you, Dave? teacher. Dave and my mum were completely different sizes so he must have bought these for himself.
1:03:49That cat is her mum because she's a 12. Dave's an 18, 20. Dave is still completely unaware that I found the emails and seen the photos of him. I informed a few family members and laughed about this. At the funeral I laughed and had some funny looks when they mentioned she was a ballroom dancer. We said afterwards in the car can't wait to swing by the pub for a pint i've heard their pints are fab oh you cheeky monkey they've said hi they're a good pint completely unaware it's been some time but still as funny the monday afterward the monday afterwards the funeral director messaged me to ask how i was recently single i thought bonus i'm in here covid kicked off and ended up moving in.
1:04:42No one falls in love quicker than a man who needs a home. Are you moving in with funeral director? Looks like it. Turns out Absolute Mental went to see a sidekick and said my mum had come through and said I needed to treat her better. Swiftly back-footed that one. You can't be ignoring your mother from beyond the grave. So he's shagging the funeral director then. Right. I thought it was Dave, the dad. that is a twist I thought David that is a twist but his mum's come from beyond the grave and so he's got to treat her better so he's ditched her love the pod especially Friday Club I've been meaning to send this in for mums I've anonymised this already anonymised is that a word so it was the funeral director that said that his mum's come from the grave no he went to a psychic he did yeah he went to a psychic and the psychic said your mum needs to start treating her better and he's like, fuck this, she's off.
1:05:40And got rid.
1:05:45That's a lot. I've got a lady in the room, she's in a ballroom dancing dress. What is mum and Dave into the swinging? Yeah, they're both into it. I'm not being funny, but as soon as I've got the phone and I've seen someone, I'm discarding. Do you think it's a bit of a boy? You've got to... Doesn't he? Seems a bit of a boy. Hey, mum, we don't find swingers sound. She was a good fucking Nigel at number 24 every Monday night. She's actually going dancing. You know, if you had like a box of tricks or whatever, is there a certain age where you think, oh, I've got to get rid of them because kids are going to be clearing out when I'm gone?
1:06:25Yeah. 90? No, shifting at 90. Could happen at any time, though, couldn't it? Between 70 and 90. It's just... Worldly people, aren't they? Just because they're older. Pictures of you pointing. I haven't got none of them all. Live shows, Chris, but housekeeping. House. Housekeeping. It's Stoke today. So if you're listening to this in the morning, there might be a chance, there might be a couple of tickets left. You can get yourself down to Stoke, followed by Reading next week, followed by Newcastle, followed by Cardiff. We've got four this month then. Yes. One every weekend. Newcastle sold out but there are still tickets available for Reading and Cardiff if you fancy it and Stoke tonight maybe yeah if you can get down Good Friday after party we've got one every night every weekend every weekend yep fucking hell it's all good fun I know I like going and getting pissed up and entertaining people you know that Chrissie right enjoy the song any more for any more all done enjoy your Easter's yes don't eat too many eggs if do you give anything up for Lent yeah no I did eight pence fucking mini eggs that's what I gave up for then not bought no more since fuck them at Big Ball last weekend shagging shagging see you next week laughing laughing laughing
1:08:23It's all here on the Friday Club.
1:08:28It's all here on the Friday Club
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Heads are rolling, and Harry is flying down the club this week. A masterplan confessions is revealed, and instructions are ignored from beyond the grave.
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