In short
A “Friday Club” lads’ chat mixing sponsor reads with explicit banter and several listener/segment stories: awkward sex/relationship scenarios, “would you rather” questions, a “courtroom” wedding dilemma, and a final story about a “Panty Pirate” who collected partners’ underwear.
Guests/backgrounds
No named guests appear; it’s a group of male hosts/regulars (including “John,” “Chris,” and “Parky” mentioned) plus anonymous listener callers/writers. One story involves “Daryl” (from Lassa’s work) giving a “Friday” item; another references “Paul Green” organizing a five-a-side charity tournament.
Key claims
Hosts debate shower timing, bath etiquette, and sexual positions; argue whether a friend should be uninvited from a wedding for canceling the stag do; share “awkward wank” and holiday sex stories; claim the “Panty Pirate” kept a “treasure chest” of bras/knickers and was given an ultimatum to get rid of them.
Notable examples
The “courtroom” asks whether to uninvite an usher who cancels 3 days before the stag to go away with a new girlfriend; the “Panty Pirate” finds conquests’ underwear in a chest under the bed/attic scenario; a clinic-sample story about ringing a bell while holding a pot of semen.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VODrinking and Its Effects
1:41 to 4:02
The hosts discuss their drinking habits and experiences after a podcast.
“Don't expect much from me in this Friday Club.”
Would You Rather: Cake vs. Cock
4:02 to 5:29
A humorous debate on a bizarre 'would you rather' question involving cake.
“Well, there's only one good positive out of the whole scenario.”
Further Bizarre Scenarios
5:29 to 6:55
Continuing the light-hearted 'would you rather' discussion with new scenarios.
“Two of your favourite things right there.”
Showering Habits Discussion
6:55 to 8:12
The hosts share their preferences on showering in the morning or at night.
“If you're a dad, you've got to support her no matter what, haven't you?”
Bathing Together
8:12 to 10:01
A candid discussion about bathing habits and experiences with partners.
“so at 8 o 'clock 9 o 'clock I'll just have a shower next morning.”
Kebab Shop Contention
10:01 to 14:00
Sharing a humorous story about a kebab shop encounter and sibling rivalry.
“In fact, I want to know how on about it.”
Late-Night Kebab Confessions
14:00 to 18:36
Hear the hosts share amusing stories about their food choices and late-night kebab adventures.
“Because the best bit's at the top, isn't it?”
Stag Do Dilemmas
20:56 to 28:00
The hosts discuss a controversial situation involving a friend's wedding and a last-minute stag do dropout.
“For more information, see calshe.com slash regulatory.”
Uninviting to a Wedding: Friendship Fallout
28:00 to 29:15
The hosts discuss the implications of uninviting a long-time friend from a wedding.
“I know I'm best man, but imagine me ringing and saying, oh, by the way, I'm not coming.”
Awkward Clinic Experience
29:15 to 30:42
One host shares a humorous and awkward story about his visit to a clinic for a sample test.
“If he wants to get the umper bar to it, when he comes back, when they've split up, he'll come with his tail between his legs.”
Show all 26 chapters
The Dreaded Pot: A Humorous Situation
30:42 to 32:21
The story continues with a detailed account of the challenges faced during the sample collection process.
“There are no swimmers left to catch you by surprise.”
Friend's IVF Journey: A Comedic Twist
32:21 to 34:31
A host recounts a friend's experience with IVF and the challenges he faced at the clinic.
“Well, you ever think if you can tell it?”
Lads on Holiday: The Competition for Women
34:31 to 37:43
The conversation shifts to a holiday story about competition among friends for romantic encounters.
“And he was like, right, I'm not going to go home this time, that's ridiculous.”
The Ups and Downs of Holiday Flings
37:43 to 42:01
The hosts share tales of romantic encounters and the challenges that arise during a lads' holiday.
“listening to their likes and dislikes to seal the deal.”
The Diving Experience
42:01 to 43:37
A humorous recount of a surprising encounter after a romantic endeavor.
“I knew what that meant and I knew what I had to do.”
Wingman Dynamics
43:38 to 44:28
Discussion about wingman roles and the outcomes of a dating scenario.
“Listen to your wingman and be more like Gosling.”
Wingman Dynamics
44:29 to 45:45
Discussion about wingman roles and the outcomes of a dating scenario.
“Not nice if you go to the doctor and say, look, doctor, I can't do what I used to do.”
Wingman Dynamics
45:50 to 46:08
Discussion about wingman roles and the outcomes of a dating scenario.
“that's medexpress m-e-d-e-x-p-r-e-double-s.co.uk to check your eligibility and get£30 off with the code COSH.”
The Tale of the Panty Pirate
47:09 to 49:06
A listener shares a wild story about a friend who collected intimate items.
“We have decided the time has come to tell the tale of the panty pirate.”
Ethics of Keeping Trophies
49:07 to 51:40
The hosts discuss the implications and weirdness of keeping trophies from past relationships.
“But I think it's all mad shit, maybe this knicker snipping.”
Judgements on Relationships
51:41 to 56:00
A light-hearted debate on the nature of relationships and perceptions between genders.
“Yeah, but the question is, you find this box under bed, and it's full of boxes, maybe a thong, a silky number, do you want her to get rid of them?”
Speculations on Attraction
56:00 to 56:54
The hosts discuss what women might say about attractive men and their perceptions of their attractiveness.
“There's always one girl in a group who'll say something amongst them and then they all put the ten pence with him then, I reckon.”
Circus Observations and Gender Perspectives
56:54 to 58:06
A conversation about a circus experience leads to insights on how physicality influences perceptions of sexual prowess.
“I took kids to circus and there were a group of blokes who did like, I think they were South American and they did all acrobatics and everything, jumping through.”
Judgments of Sexual Prowess
58:06 to 1:00:18
The discussion centers around how both men and women can be perceived based on appearance and behavior in terms of sexual capability.
“Do you know, with a girl, in my honest opinion, I would say one who looked a little bit trampish.”
Upcoming Events and Listener Engagement
1:00:18 to 1:01:19
The hosts discuss upcoming live shows and encourage listener interaction regarding venue suggestions.
“Because I think we're being kicked out of this room.”
Upcoming Events and Listener Engagement
1:01:57 to 1:02:29
The hosts discuss upcoming live shows and encourage listener interaction regarding venue suggestions.
“It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks.”
Transcript
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0:38On Kalshi, you can trade every match from the opening stage all the way to the final. On Kalshi, you're trading against peers in a live market, meaning there's no house. And as the probability changes, you can buy in and out of your position. For a limited time, download the Kalshi app and use code CUP26 to get$10 when you trade 10. K-A-L-S-H-I, Kalshi. Trade the beautiful game. 18 plus only restrictions and eligibility requirements apply event contract trading involves risk and may not be suitable for all investors. Prices, values, and available markets may differ from those mentioned. For more information, see calshe.com slash regulatory.
1:32I've been awake. It's all here on the Friday Club.
1:39It's all here on the Friday Club. I'm going to be honest with you, lads. Don't expect much from me in this Friday Club. Had a couple of pints. We've just done a podcast. That's six, seven. You're not as slurry as... It is remarkable how sometimes you're all right after six, seven, and other times three. and there's a few extra I think it's what I've eaten no I think did you have a big Saturday Sunday no Saturday yes Sunday no a couple of pints at the five a side maybe more than a couple five at the five a side so you've kept topped up you've kept yeah that's what I was getting at you're immune do you think I'm a better drinker if I just drink all the time yeah right sound no problem I can tell that I can tell that home to her and we'll all be sound with it I've got a would you rather go on would you rather sit on a cake eating cock or sit on a cock eating cake what kind of cake you can choose it that's the first thing that's come to your mind
2:50if it's a serra Lee double chocolate Grato suck it up my fucking ass no problem Get it fucking wanged up. That was the last question on my mind there, but what cake? You know, I think you know my answer. I love it. If it's a Swiss roll on its end. So you're sitting on the... Are you thinking back end? Well, no. Both, really. What a strange question. I still can't believe it. Right, I'll flip it then. What kind of cock? A bloody big one. Oh, sorry. Like... If you sit on a cake and eat cock, you're not getting any gratification whatsoever are you I don't want to cock up my ass John well I don't really but you're sitting on a cake which I actually thought about this might be all right you know sitting on a cake yeah I think about my alright you know how do your plums on that it's good at the same time you're sucking on a cock yeah I don't think your bowls deep and you're thinking oh this gato feels nice I'm definitely sit sit on a cock and eat cake, man.
3:53I don't think I'm sat on a cock thing and, ooh, this cake's lovely, either. I don't... I don't... Oh, chef's kiss. I know I don't... Compliments to the chef. There's obviously no... It's so good in this one. Wallace has been on it, hasn't he? I don't think there's any... You're not getting anything good at... Well, there's only one good positive out of the whole scenario. And that's eating cake. You know, it's not my game. so I'm going to have to take the one wood in my mouth. You think? I'm going to have to. That's not my game. I don't think it's any of us' game. That's why the questions are good.
4:34There's some finer detail that needs. I mean, like, if you sat on it, is that it? Are you just sat on it? Just sat on it. Have you got a right? So then what if you've got the... No, you don't have to jump up and down. That's what I mean. But then what about with in your mouth? Do you just look and that's it? Or do you have to perform a play show? Yeah. Sort the question out. I think I'd rather sit on a cock eating cake. And I'm not a big cake fan. But you're a big cock fan. You know, if you're like, sit on a cock or eat a piece of pizza. Well, that's going to change your mind. Well, no, if you've got half a crispy duck in front of you.
5:17Oh, so because you're not a big cake fan, you're swaying a bit. I mean, I don't really like cake. As long as you don't jump up and down, just chuck it up, and I'll just send me cake. What cake is it? I don't know why that's finished us. I might eat the cake. That's also been up there, hasn't it? Two of your favourite things right there. I'm not a big cake fan, I'll be honest. Right, go on then. I'll rephrase it just for the, would you rather sit on a steak bake and eat a cock, or sit on a cock and eat a steak bake? I'm sitting on a steak bake. I'd rather sit on than have one in my chops. Oh, would you?
6:02And I've actually... It just goes through us. You've got to look it in the eye. What about, what about... Will you not be gipping? I just can't. You don't like a Victoria sponge, do you? Cotted cream? Serenity Double Chocolate Gatto? Oh, get that bastard in. Good question, though. Yeah, that's Daryl from Lassa's work. He gave me that Friday. Can I go in with another? I know we don't usually do two. Would you rather be Body Blue's boyfriend or Body Blue's dad? Just come in on email. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. One million percent boyfriend. It's a tough one. Me too. Boyfriend. And when I thought about it, it was like, well, you can just leave her, can't you?
6:49Really, if she's your daughter. Boyfriend. Yeah, 100 % boyfriend. Sold. Yeah. If you're a dad, you've got to support her no matter what, haven't you? Oh, no. Do you? No. Well, you don't, but personally, I couldn't disown. Are they from Nottingham? I'm not sure. There's another one, isn't there? Are they from Nottingham? Maybe. I don't know. If they are from Nottingham, and she or my daughter, I could kill it fucking Trent. it's a funny name with loads of every dildo strapped behind her ankles she's she said that he's proud of her and that I know her mum has her dad come out no she said somebody's asked her in an interview what does your dad think couldn't be any prouder I think he could really couldn't be any prouder I think he could I think he could be proud you know like if she won like 200 metres freestyle Olympics I think he'd be a bit prouder I think if she won't fancy dress at Butlins he could possibly be prouder can I just this isn't a would you rather it's a genuine question do you shower on a morning or on a night you were going to say both then weren't you yeah it just depends what I'm on with if I've not been doing out through the day I'll have a bath at night we are lass but if I've been doing something and I get in later in the day so at 8 o 'clock 9 o 'clock I'll just have a shower next morning.
8:17Do you know when you wake up first thing in the morning, would you nine times out of ten get in the shower? No, probably two times out of ten. All right, so you're more of a night cleanser. Just my cousin at the weekend said he always showers on a night and he's like, because then I'm going to bed clean rather than... If you have a bath at night, though, if you have a really warm one, it sends you off a little bit. how regularly do you have these two in a tub couples baths probably three or four times a week three or four times a week what were you and Katie yeah I wasn't sure if you'd misheard the question I don't take fucking Lola and Percy in see for me if I'm having a bath with Rose straight away my head it's like both of us naked this is only going but I suppose if you're doing it that regular I can't imagine both getting in a bath or both getting in a hot tub or a shower or anything and just having a wash.
9:18Oh, we do. Do you both get washed in there? She gets washed first and then leaves me to get my wash. We've got a naughty step, though. In the bath? One of them little ledge things where my heart just fits in. That might be once. Once every six or seven. Who washes first? Katie washes first. She gets the clean water and you washing her filth. So normally she'll say, right, I'm getting it in bath, are you getting in? Yeah, sound. She'll say, give me five minutes or she'll shave her legs, shave her big toes, shave her tash and then I'm good to get in. Where's the debris going from the legs and that?
10:02You're just getting in it. In fact, I want to know how on about it. I said to her, I said, lads are fucking, they can't work out why we get in the bath. So there were ones, I don't know what had happened, we'd have been or whatever, and she's got out of the bath, and they look in the bath and she's like, what the fuck is that? Debris. Oh. From the bottom? I think so, yeah. Does she still get in? No, she's got out. Oh, she's got out, but she's been in it. Yeah. So I might have to wash my bum before I get in now. that's a given anyway innit I think shower first yeah shower before at least the gentleman's wash you're getting in with a lady we're getting it bathed to get west yeah but you're getting in with a lady we're not getting it bathed can't be going in with a dirty bum bum well sometimes you've got to just sounds like soup really you've got hers going on you've got dangleberries you like your sweat mmhmm it's It's sounding a bit minging.
11:07It sounds like you need a shower after to get properly cleaned. No, I think shower before. But then you're getting dirty when you're in the bath. No, not if you both have a shower. Get cleaned off and then enjoy. I'm going to get west, Matt. It took me an hour and a half. And then enjoy. Have a quick shower, you know, just get rid of debris and that. She has a quick shave, wash down, filth bath up. Yeah, but we're not. Bit of matey, enjoy each other's company. I can see that. We're not getting in there for each other's company. We're all getting in there to get west. Well, that's fine then. Obviously, we might enjoy each other's company while we're in there, but we're just getting west.
11:48I get my arms around her and I might feel her boobs and stuff. And then you get a naughty step. And then I west my arse. Naughty steps maybe once every five or six weeks. So with Leeds, good? the stag do good uh outfit for the stag yeah we dressed him up he had a newcastle kit on this is my uncle i didn't newcastle keepers full kit boots shin pads gloves gloves that was friday saturday we dressed him up as a female maid was something yours in dublin that time and then my brother got him a rascal rascal suit suit but it's as if my brother knew what my pet ate was when it comes to food because on the saturday we're in the kebab shop and i've gone straight to the front right that's not cute there was no queue but just i wasn't hanging around looking at the menus i was straight there you knew what you wanted exactly what i wanted yeah gambled on i was 90 certain my brother would want it as well two kebabs pepperoni pizza double chips and I'd just got out that I wanted two kebabs and my brothers appeared on my right shoulder and said nah nah I don't want I don't want a kebab I'm like what do you mean you're not hungry he went yeah I'm starving he said I'll just have a bite of yours I went he won't like but he's cancelled off the order he's cancelled off his so I've got one kebab one chips one pizza so his whole order's been cancelled yeah so he's cancelled the kebab I've just got kebab I've just got two kebabs.
13:28After that move, is he still entitled to half the pizza? Well, that's... Is this the bone of contention? That was the gray area because I was fuming. I was like, I'd rather get you one. I'd rather get you a kebab than you'd have some of mine, which I think I've said a lot of times. I let this in about 2007, 2008. Learn from your mistakes. Well, he didn't have a bite of mine and he didn't have any pizza. So nothing? Well, it's because I was stubborn. He was being stubborn by not asking because he knew I was fuming. And I just wolfed the kebab down. Because the best bit's at the top, isn't it? The sauce and that.
14:07Salad. It's hurt me, that. Why? Because does your brother like spicy food? Spicy pizzas? Yeah, he will do. Yeah. So normally he orders the most spiciest fucking pizza in Leeds. Because he knows I can't eat it. When it's his brother, oh you can have a I'll order pepperoni I'll order pepperoni light on the pepper yeah but he said that he knew he was being stubborn by not asking and I was just wolfing it down yeah she knows I went to a kebab shop on Saturday night so I ordered myself a pizza because I don't like having kebabs now on a Saturday night do you not well I have to write down well I do I really do but just as I stink you know like chilli and garlic so I ordered myself I'm a mushroom pizza.
15:00Or chicken strips. They want chicken strips. Not about chips, but they came with chips anyway. But I like a kebab. So you haven't gotten a kebab because Katie doesn't like the smell of you? Yeah. What's happened to you? I'm a fucking considerate future husband. Have I gone? Yeah. All right, well. It's your food. It turns out I'm a considerate cunt. What a fucking arsehole I am. We're an arsehole. If I said, John, you can't have that grease smell, would you be as considerate? I'd tell you to fucking eat a cake. I'd tell you to do. I don't cuddle up to you like that, do I? Fuck me, I went out last Thursday.
15:56off the cuff quite a few lads were going to quiz and that so I thought fuck it I'm going to go so I went, left my car got in, messaged us Friday morning, I was blind drunk apparently Thursday blind drunk so I thought best message here, see what we're like in bed furious grunting, snoring talking to me son she was up for work Friday boots on the other foot after a week with Mr Brown. Exactly. Exactly. But I'm almost mumbling and talking in my sleep apparently. I'm like, well, Ben, let out our bag here. Let out our bag? Let out our bag. At what? Like, well, I'm getting her for Christmas.
16:44You know there's no to my fucking bag, you morons. You said you weren't watching Instagram Reels. Yeah. I promise you, I'm fucking delighted. I've sat watching them now. I woke up to a message in the group Saturday morning. How the fuck do I get this bastard off? It was just a picture of that dwarf in lingerie. It's up to you all if you believe me. I'm not really bothered if you do or you don't, but I promise you I have never pressed that button. I don't believe you. But we've said that doesn't matter. Yeah, I believe that you never press that. but yeah it doesn't it doesn't matter so is it like on facebook then where they just hear what you're talking about then no i wouldn't mind going to barbados on a cruise the next thing no because you can go on something that you follow and then if you flick up it just takes you to a random like a suggestion of something that you'd like but it knows the time that you've spent watching something so it'll suggest you that again so obviously you've spent loads of time looking at dwarfs and ladies with big breasts and big women trumping so that's what it's feeding you because that's what you want
18:09whenever i go on instagram all i do is watch people's stories and just flip that like but it's targeted so it knows that you've hop you've watched you've you'll watch a full sexy midget video and you'll skip everything out. I have now. I have since last week. This is a safe space, John. No time for lying.
18:35We're going to have a quick break with a message from one company. Would you like it to be? I think I'd like it to be NordVPN, please. If that's alright with you two. Is it? Ah, brilliant. Our favourites. Nord. V-P-N. If you're not using it, what are you doing? Tell you what it is good for as well now with these new laws. You know, don't you, lads? You know what you're on about, John. Oh. You know the new... Restrictions. Restrictions on AIDS verification and all that for certain sites. Right. What I do, bouncer to Columbia, job done. Well, if you don't know what NordVPN is, you can bounce your location to anywhere in the world.
19:18perfect for watching sports abroad or watching abroad sports over here. Yep. Or watching that sort of stuff. Yes. One thing that I was wondering, is the security still watertight? Is it? Even with the water sports going on. Not a drop getting in. Not a drop. Passwords, bank details, everything's still firmly secured. Under lock and key. Extra protection for all your bank details and everything else associated. All you do, switch on your NordVPN. Happy days. I think there's just one more question for me, but have we got a bit of an offer? Have we got an offer? All you've got to do, click that link in the description and you get a heavy, heavy discount and a 30-day money-back guarantee.
20:06I've not stopped using it. I've been using it for three, four years now. Same. I'll be using it a lot more than what I used to. mark my words so yeah, link's in the description get yourself that heavy discount and a 30 day money back guarantee with no VPN the world's biggest soccer tournament has arrived and you can trade the entire tournament on Calci, on Calci you can trade every match from the opening stage all the way to the final on Calci you're trading against peers in a live market meaning there's no house and as the probability changes you can buy in and out of your position, for a limited time download the Calci app and use code cup26 to get$10 when you trade 10.
20:45K-A-L-S-H-I CalShe. Trade the beautiful game. 18 plus only restrictions and eligibility requirements apply. Event contract trading involves risk and may not be suitable for all investors. Prices, values, and available markets may differ from those mentioned. For more information, see calshe.com slash regulatory. By the way, we need not the football on the head. If it's affecting us in the bedroom. Why Sunday? So we played, Paul Green organized the lad I was at Doncaster with, organised a five-a-side tournament. He's got an A1 football factory, it's called. Big five-a-side thingy. So there was 12 teams, was there, Johnny?
21:22It was for one at lads who plays him, one at teams. It was for his, like to raise money for his wife, I think. Yeah. For brain cancer. Yeah. Greeny done brilliant. The whole day was class one at good set-up. I'd obviously been out Friday, Saturday, played in that Sunday. I was knackered. I was very horny after the Friday, Saturday and my knee was in bits because it was that quite short after turf my knee was hanging off and I was fatigued and Louise came with the kids when we got back they got the young ones to bed and put her on the naughty step you put Louise on the naughty step? which step?
22:07when? when we got back when the kids were in bed which step is it? No, I was using it as a, we had sex. Oh, right, yeah. And I'm, oh, there's no sex on the notice, Jeff. It's a... It's a what? There's no sex. And I said my knee was hanging off, and I'm kneeling. I'm on my knees. Is Louise kneeling? What, so you're on your knees down? You can kneel on your shoulders. We've adopted the doggy style position. Right, so we know where we're at. Where's the cake?
22:43She's got a culled catapult in her mouth, bless her. But it was unbearable on me knee, so I transferred all my weight, 95 % of my weight, onto my right side. And I've just got the worst cramp, imagining in my hamstring. Have you had to get on the back, ready for the press? Yeah, give up one of them on my toes. She's like that. hold it front at knee push it push it foot down it was horrible isn't it bad that's it when the football leaves you when it's affecting your love life it's affecting something I'm good at usually if I'm obviously my ability key now if I'm in that sort of position this lad's just straight out this lad's taking the brunt of all the force yeah I didn't think of that.
23:39What's your best position? What's your draw to? I think I'm fantastic from behind. Obviously my leg's straight but I'm fucking cock on at that. Basically I think it's more of a thing that she can't see me. I think that's why it's so good. She doesn't know what's going on behind. It's her preference. To be fair, good afternoon on it. Yeah, brilliant. Obviously because of my knee I can't play as much as what I really wanted to and I went sub there were 10 minute games weren't there so I thought that lad's suited up so went on 3-0 up in first game come on come on so there gets the ball somebody played it into me went for the roll Megs go to the other side right four games later it's not even been spoke about it was the most fit The best thing I've ever done on a football surface.
24:38Right? Nobody gives a fuck about it. I'll tell you what else didn't get a mention. Remember the Mario Balotelli thing when he did that stupid click? Yeah, when he put it wide in America. He tried to do that on the halfway line. I don't know what you were going for. Confidence after the roll. I forgot my left knee does not bend that way. I made myself look a bit of a dickhead, to be honest. And the kit were tight. We got over that. But the Megs never got a fucking mention, I was mortified. But great day and hopefully... Yeah, raised over a thousand pounds for Becca. I've got a cautious courtroom.
25:16Hello boys, we need your help and your decision is final. So get your heads on the game. Our mate is getting married in a couple of months. We had the stag do all booked and three days before we left, one of the lads dropped out to go away for a weekend with his new bird, who he's known for two minutes. this mate has been part of our friendship group since first year of school he regularly regularly does this with women and we normally let it slide but this time it's too far the question is should the groom take away his invitation to the wedding or let him come bear in mind he's an usher your decision will be final.
26:00Thanks, lads. I think it's bad, that. If you think about it, he's an usher and he's ringing his mates up three days before the stag and saying, I'm not coming, I'm going away with our lass. Well, it just depends how long he's known her. If he's known her, he might have only known her a month. I think she's a cunt. For saying, we'll go away this weekend. But I do feel like it's on him, because if he does it quite regularly well yeah it's on him yes he gets a bit uh he gets a bit excited on he with fanny should he take away his invitation to the wedding what are you doing now do you think how long has he known him since first year of school i think i'm the ushering yeah i think as an usher it's your responsibility to be there but then is is that not you know i thought you're going to say you're dethroning him of his duties.
26:58Yeah. And then to add to that, he can come, she can't. That's on him. If he's an owner to me. It's 100 % on him. He's not coming. It's not her fault, John. No one at all. But I think if you make a thing of letting him be Usher, I think that's just causing, they're going to turn up and it's going to be awkward. I think he's either not coming at all or he's coming and he's as you were. Usher? Yeah. well it sounds like there's been experience of this before he gets a bit fanny drunk doesn't he gets a bit fanny drunk especially when it's somebody new normally let it they normally let it slide he's doing it quite often but then he's known him since first year of school and it's three days before the stag that he's an usher at and he's ringing and saying I'm going away for the weekend with his new lass that's piss poor I'm leaning towards not inviting him.
27:54Really? Mm-hmm. I think that's horrific. Yeah, I agree. Imagine three days before you are. I know I'm best man, but imagine me ringing and saying, oh, by the way, I'm not coming. I'm a new lass. I think you've got to be, yeah, all-heartedly disappointed in him. Mm-hmm. I don't... Like, you've been friends for that long. I think you're being as... He's got a funny drunk, hasn't he? Yeah, but I don't think you can not invite him. you've known him for all that time it's a lean it's not a definite yeah I think I'm I think I'm not coming then chose me over her he's known her two minutes not like chose me over her long term but like come on mate that's fucking crack isn't it yeah shit that is bollocks but it's a big it's a big call to say I tell you what mate don't bother coming to the wedding yeah I'm there I think I am as well No, I think that's a bit much, right?
28:53If you've known him for that long. He's been a twat. He's known you for that long. I know, he's been a twat. So why is it harsh? But that's it, friendship over, isn't it? If you say you're not coming to the wedding. Sound. This is Cossie's courtroom with two. With the text message saying, you're uninviting me to a wedding, take your lass away for the weekend. We're going that way. No, I'm a bit of sarcasm. Yeah, sarcasm. But give us an argument. because like I said before it was a lean but give us an argument for as you were you still come around and be part of it my argument well he's obviously like that anyway that's that's who he is they've been friends all them years and that's what he's like there's a difference between like not coming for a night out yeah I get it but then you're just you're throwing that friendship away for all them years because they're not going to be mates again are they if he un-invites him to a wedding but I think you should expect that would you think you'd be expected to admit would you be like bothered if it's the stag do's the big one isn't it and if he's got previously I bet he's thought beforehand he surely can't do it he surely can't cancel surely not and then the call comes you'll be like just fuck enough's enough fuck it uninvite him is that it are we quoted yeah I've tapped it I've fingered the hammer.
30:20Fuck him. If he wants to get the umper bar to it, when he comes back, when they've split up, he'll come with his tail between his legs. I've not read this. All right, lads, blah, blah, blah. For context, after having two kids with my wife, I decided to go for the snip. After an amount of time, you have to go back and provide a sample to check. There are no swimmers left to catch you by surprise. There is only a certain amount of time you can leave from spunking to getting it tested because I live so far away from the clinic I have a decision to make. Danger wanking the car park or ask the clinic for a room.
30:59The younger me may have gone for a car park but I decided to ask for a room. Now this is the awkward bit. You're greeted by a young receptionist to get booked in and then the elderly nurse tells you the script. She said for me to go into the room and make sure I get it all in the pot because it's required for testing. There is then a bell outside that I had to ring when I was done and stand in the doorway holding the pot of cum. We've all had a tough wank or two in our time but I think this was up there for me. No internet in the hospital so just your wank bank to delve into. A clinic room with plastic covered green wank chair in the corner white noise on to try and drown out any sounds from anyone outside knowing exactly what you're up to now you don't want to be too quick or too long but what is the optimum time for a hospital wank i'm not sure i know the answer so it got me thinking this is probably my most awkward wank but being an avid listener to the pod i'm sure there are some classic awkward wank stories from you lads.
32:11Keep up the work. Get a Preston show booked in up the cosh. Chris from Preston. And he's actually sent a picture of the room. It's a bad chair, isn't it? It's a bad chair to wank on. It's a terrible situation. Can I tell it? Well, you ever think if you can tell it? But surely they've got to put some Frankie Vaughan on, aren't they? Some magazines? Some. Some of it's luck. Because I'd struggle. I think I'd be alright with a bank. Oh, 100%, I would be. What, like the turn on from the fact that you're wanking and the receptionist four or five yards away? No, that wouldn't be my go-to course. It's a really short-term memory bank.
32:56Who was the last female I saw? Yeah, you'd just use your normal imagination. Never do. Never use your imagination. Never. but it would be awkward in itself wouldn't it the nurse passing you the there you go sir you're going to need them cup and magazines no magazines I know but if yeah but you'd think they'd have a selection just in there go on what was your tale it's not me actually but it just it just reminded me I was chatting with a mate on Friday and he was he's he's going through IVF at the minute and he went to the clinic he was in Preston that's what reminded me but it's obviously not the same same place that's that's the actual clinic where you go for the snip and he said they gave him the tub and then they were like right you've got to bring it back within the hour but they don't have rooms you're supposed to go home and then bring it back and he said he just panicked because he doesn't he doesn't drive and he lives a fair way away from the clinic and he didn't know what to do so we got a taxi back home 40 minute journey went in the house had a quick tummy and then had to book another taxi back to take his tumble spunk that's over the hour I don't think the hour was the hour from chucking out to getting it back still fresh so whatever the timescale was he literally just went home had a wank, booked another taxi and went back.
34:28He said he just panicked, he didn't know. But then he had to go again. And he was like, right, I'm not going to go home this time, that's ridiculous. He said, he went to a pub around the corner. Oh, this is getting worse. This is getting like flight tackle, isn't it? But he said he went to the pub and he ordered a breakfast because he didn't want to look suspicious.
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34:54Ordered a breakfast. At his breakfast Went and had a wank And then went back Well he had his breakfast first Well he had his Yeah What do you do Sit with a tub of spunk in your pocket Not even fucking But I like the thought Of the people behind the bar Going oh he's only had a pint And gone to the toilet What's he up to He must be having a wank Isn't that He's not even ordered a breakfast I don't think many people Would think that would they Surely not Not from behind the bar That's what I mean But in his head He's obviously Yeah he's just panicking about this I'm trying to think What I'm doing now I'm assuming it'll be daylight.
35:29Yeah. In the car. I'm going to have to go and recline. In the car? Mm-hmm. I think they need to see better rooms. They need to see better rooms in these clinics or whatever they are. Yeah. I think, what, DVDs? Just like... Wi-Fi? You walk in and they're just... You porn on. have a scroll put what you want on like graphs or whatever it'd make it easier wouldn't it just a bit of wifi coverage you probably saw you right out there really Ryan Gosling vs Me and My Wingman please keep me anonymous it's a long one but it's good confidence I'm 42 now and sort of happily married with two kids I'm happily married-ish this is a story from when I was in my early 20s, newly single and ready to do some serious damage with five lads on a holiday in Zanty.
36:26We were keen as mustard, all pumped up from the gym and looking fresh. We all fancied our chances of getting lucky and secretly hoping to come away from the holidays top shagger. We weren't bad looking lads. In fact, one of the lads is Ryan Gosling Good-Luckin. A right fanny magnet he is slash was. Gosling. He's in Notebook. What a film that is, by the way. Can we talk about rom-coms after this? If you want, yeah. do what you want anyway why can't we talk about romcom first night and I hit the back of the net nothing to write home about but me and my wingman my best mate let's call him Mark were off to a great start however my other mate now referred to as Gorgeous Gosling got a brace on the same effing night he's gone two in the night sounds like it John it's like signing for a new club and scoring early On your debut?
37:22Yeah. You hit the ground running. You're full of confidence. It's like that on a lad's holiday, isn't it? See, Gosling is not only a looker, he is a listener as well. The girls loved it. The only problem is, you lose him for the night. Say what you want about me, John, but I'm not one of these. He gets locked in. He stays there with them, talking shite, giving it puppy eyes, listening to their likes and dislikes to seal the deal. Far too long and boring for me, that. I like a good dance and a laugh. Anyway, Gorgeous Gosling was now clearly the fans' favourite for the Xante Championship title. However, AFC Leicester and FC Blackburn, me and the wingman Mark, were still up for the fight, aiming for an upset with a run of results in the later rounds of the holiday.
38:08Fast forward to day five, Gorgeous Gosling was now on six. Six? On day five? Well, he doubled up, didn't he, first night? He doubled up first night. Me and my wingman were still stuck on one each. oh they've had a poor run haven't they I think this could be a sack is it one of them no you get it out the way early and then you just you're happy for the rest it's like a monkey off your back yeah I know what you mean and to be fair when you go and walk like a a do-off I think it's a bit annoying if like one is just all he's interested in is pulling exactly like you're not having a good time I don't think you might as well just come on your own mate I like the chit-chat and that but you know like when you when you lose them They're just off.
38:51I used to be an offer. On Gosling's sixth goal, me and Mark caught them at it. The apartments were side by side on lower ground. We walked around the corner and Gosling was smashing the back out of her fifth blonde over the balcony. She was an absolute solid 9 out of 10. I think Gosling's winning here. Gosling, he's got the lyrics and the looks. In my pissed up state and utter frustration of now losing 6-1 in aggregate, I shouted out for fuck's sake Gosling not another one mid thrust as all I never meant to spoil it I just blurted out what I was thinking so he's half cock anyway Mark pissed himself laughing but Gosling and the bird weren't too pleased we stayed out the way and Gosling finished the job like a true pro I wouldn't be too pleased either if I'm being honest was she Gosling?
39:42yeah the next night Mark got chatting to two lovely looking girls seven out of ten they were no time to waste we headed straight back to the apartment mark went and used goslin's apartment who was surprisingly on a sabbatical that evening and i went into hours it was getting heated kissing and fondling my one wood was getting a right old tug and she was showing decent skills the juices were flowing nicely and i could tell she was ready when all of a sudden, massive bangs on the patio doors. It was me wingman, Mark. He jumped the balcony onto mine. Now, in brackets, now, Mark is not a roadman by any means, but he does have that twang in his accent, being a brummie.
40:29Us lads do take the piss out of his accent a lot. He was in a right panic. He goes, bro, bro, don't do it, yeah? Don't do it. Me, what the fuck's the matter with you? he goes on to say I was fingering her yeah something wasn't right bro I pulled my fingers out and it was too sticky I smelt it and it smells nasty bruv he tried to make me sniff his finger at this point fuck off pushing his hand away from my face just get wanked off then you prat he says as if he stood there telling him and she stood there at home just get wanked off when you think about it it's ridiculous she's just up there am I wanking or fagging it's not that bad but why has he jumped the balcony to tell him well he's got to he's got to stop it at all costs he's really concerned why is he surmising that her fanny's going to be very sticky as well hers might be fine like fuck your nose up bro just get wanked off then you prat right I quickly go back into my room leaving him there.
41:39The girl I was with hadn't moved and did not seem concerned about my brief disappearance. I had no idea if she heard Mark or not. I wasn't bothered in truth. As Parky says, in for a penny, in for a pound. Anyway, we get going again but when it came to me to get the one wood wet and give her a good walloping, she told me I've not got her ready enough yet. Oh. I knew what that meant and I knew what I had to do. Go diving. What? I had no hesitation. I loved doing it. And at the time, I was confident in my skill set that I would give her what she needed. Bullseye, no dramas, no smelly stuff, a tidy, neat snatch.
42:24And I got to work right away until she came. Job done, I thought, and felt really proud of my performance. The one wood was at full mast, throbbing, ready to sample the deeper ocean. Jesus Christ. However, the deeper ocean. She stood up, pulled up her knickers and said, thanks for that. It was very nice. I've got to go now though. Oh, I like her. You're defuming. I stood there in complete shock. I felt used. I'd been done a kipper. Blue balls. Oh, what are you doing there? I take my hat off to her. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, why does she need to go she's not already she's not working next day she's not like she can get a taxi why does she need to go how many times has the boot been on the other foot probably everybody sat in this room right now has probably not done the job properly but yeah but I think I like to think you're speaking for yourself here Chris I know don't tarnish your eyebrows Chris 100 % meanwhile I told Mark and Gorgeous Gosling and the rest of the lads the whole story.
43:36Obviously, they weren't hysterical and never once took the piss. Moral of the story? Listen to your wingman and be more like Gosling. Or did my wingman stitch me up to get the win? He's put the holiday scores if you're interested in the leaderboard. Gosling, six. Mark the wingman, one and a half. The rest, one. Absolutely love the shows, lads. Keep up the great work. So he did just get tugged off then, did he? Up the cosh. Yeah. Can he claim a half? I don't know why she needs to get off. She might have had an appointment. I also don't understand why he'd think, well, my bird's got a bit of a dodgy fanny.
44:17She must have a dodgy fanny next door. He's just panicked, honey. It's sticky, bruv. Just wanted to get out of there, honey, fam. I've got a stat for you, lads. Are you ready? Go on. did you know that one in five men in the uk experience changes in sexual performance as they get older one in five i think mine's got better it's not what i've heard no well john med express can provide support in minutes for their online free consultation you've been quite vocal about your problems but it's good what i like about that is i'm assuming it's private on the computer, fill in the questionnaire. Yeah, because it can be.
45:01Yeah, it's quite embarrassing. It's a bit nerve. Not nice if you go to the doctor and say, look, doctor, I can't do what I used to do. I'm struggling. Well, by completing just a short online consultation, they'll suggest the right treatment for you and settle your concerns. But, I mean, it could be erectile dysfunction. It could be premature ejaculation. That's one I think you mentioned. Don't point at me like that, Chris. That's one you mentioned. We all been on these things, by the way. Who'd point in like that? I'm stocked up, they've sorted me right out. All from the comfort of your own home, you can get the advice and sort out the treatment that you might need, which is perfect, isn't it?
45:35Yep. But as I said before, MedExpress are there to give you private, confidential advice. And there's an offer in all, isn't there? There is an offer, Chris. Visit medexpress.co.uk to check your eligibility and get£30 off with the code COSH. that's medexpress m-e-d-e-x-p-r-e-double-s.co.uk to check your eligibility and get£30 off with the code COSH. That's£30 off any treatment that you might need. If you're looking for discreet and convenient professional guidance. That's the word, guidance. It's an investment, isn't it? Invest in yourself, Chris. Exactly. And the big man. I won't call him that.
46:21Are all batteries the same? That's like asking if all soccer players are the same. Take Messi, the most decorated player ever. Is there any other player who has achieved that? No, just him. Now take Duracell. Is there any other battery with Power Boost ingredients inside? No, just Duracell. Remember, goats only trust goats because they're built different. And Messi only trusts Duracell. Right, I'm good at Paul. I think we should definitely put the knicker sniffing to bed after this one. Yeah. Yeah? Don't send any more knicker sniffing in for a good few months. No, send it in. Hi, lads. New to the pod, as my mates recently put me onto it and all that, blah, blah, blah.
47:10Sat in the pub with my mates, we have decided to write in after talking about the last couple of weeks' pods and having a laugh about the knicker sniffing and checking snail trails or dingleberries or Chrissie's tale of the new Christmas decorations on his mum's tree. We have decided the time has come to tell the tale of the panty pirate. So, a lad that used to frequent the group used to go out with one of my sister's friends. He has left her in the house one day whilst he was at work and the kind soul she is, she decided to help out and put some of his clothes away. In doing so, she found the treasure chest of the Panty Pirate.
47:52Yes, you heard that right, a treasure chest. Turns out he had collected the bras and knickers of every single one of his conquests. He said he couldn't believe she found them and she gave him an ultimatum. Get rid of them or I'm gone. so after one last good sniff we assume he got rid as she stayed with him for a couple more months they did split up however in the end and being inquisitive me and my friends got my sister to ask if she managed to collect all her belongings before she left we still say to this day she definitely did not what do you reckon lads should we keep trophies or is the treasure chest of the Panty Pirate a step too far.
48:39Please keep anonymous, as we aren't sure if he listens, but if it gets read out, we have more diaries of the Panty Pirate. P.S. Parky, I have never cracked one off on a flight, but had a tug on a ferry once. All the best. Bit weird keeping trophies? Yeah. I think it's serial killer tackle. Yeah. Bras and knickers. Bras and knickers. I mean, surely when she's getting dressed. I can't imagine he's got the bras and knickers in everyone. Depending on on how the tuppy smells right can you imagine when you open the box that they're all in what is the the first initial well I I assume that they'd be clean just a clean pair of niggers you're thinking the dirt yeah because he's what he's doing is he's taking them off they're on the floor I'm surmising obviously but then he's he knows he knows that he wants to keep them a little little toe pork under the bed yeah she won't find them I'll get them in the morning.
49:38I'll get them in the morning. Put them in the chest. See, I think that's like... I think it's like half predatory, that. You think? Yeah, I think that's... Keeping a trophy. Yeah, I think that's a bit like... It's not Ted Bundy. You know, he's not keeping a head. No. A pair of knickers. Granted, granted. But I think it's all mad shit, maybe this knicker snipping. I would put my mortgage on... He never got rid... I reckon he went full pirate. I reckon he buried the chest in the garden. Do you think? He's not giving up on them trophies when she's given the ultimate aim. Oh, sorry. I thought you meant when she found them.
50:16Yeah, because there's years of work in that chest. And it's a bit of a fetish for him, isn't it? Yeah. He's drawn himself a map, buried him in the woods. Definitely, definitely not got rid of him. No. Like, worst case scenario, mum, like, explain the situation to her. I've got all these Nick of Conquests and anything I can put in your garage yeah no problem John no problem I don't think that's the route he'll have gone down but I definitely think he'll have kept him I do I mean at the very least put him in Attic where in Attic yeah now if he's that way out he's 100 % not got rid of him and I think he's a bit harsh from her to expect him to you think no no I'm fucked I can't think you both went in with your thing.
51:07Do you reckon he got some of hers before they split up? 100%. See, what was your... Tug up the box, put them in. Oh, I'm just going to think of her... Clip it on its head. So, you've been going out with your last four, three or four mums, you tidy your room up, and there's like... 26 pair of Calvin Klein pants. right some of them the odd sock you know when she's not been able to get the pants odd donny odd donny sock when they went to the flyers maybe a shoe are you what are you thinking I don't think I'm not bothered being offended I don't know I'm just I mean it's I don't think it's like a sexual thing for women, is it?
52:05Yeah, but what if you... Sexy underwear for men is like... Yeah, but the question is, you find this box under bed, and it's full of boxes, maybe a thong, a silky number, do you want her to get rid of them? You're starting to have feelings for this girl. A thong? Yeah, men wear feelings, don't they? She pulled a magic mic. A little Peter Stringfellow fucking leopard skin on. Yeah, I'd be a massive red flag. Yeah. Could you please throw them away? Do you want to get shut? I'd be more thinking I'd be binning her. For keeping them? Yeah, I just think it's a strange... So do you think she's giving him a special chance?
52:51Yeah. Just get rid of him and we'll crack on. I bet she's not like, that's just a bit weird and disgusting. Fuck off. I give them an ultimatum is a bit I get rid of or we're done yeah you're thinking they shouldn't be a get rid part of that question it should just be we're done just we're done I just think yeah it's a bit you're a weirdo yeah yeah it is a weird thing to do one or two's alright isn't it especially if they're done A's the done A boxers that you've been golfing in they're not going to man their base are they yeah I'll be I'd be like, fuck you. There's not much else that we can collect from a man, is there?
53:34That'd be like a bit raunchy. None of my underwear's could be described as raunchy. No, but I mean, I know your underwear can't. I've seen it many times. But I tell you what, flip it on yourself, we'll go back to the previous story. What if she'd got like 35 pots of cum?
53:55How's she getting it? Well, part of their crack. Yeah. It's chucked it in a little... Like with them jam jars when you go into an hotel. They're very small. Yeah. All in individual, like named. That's disgusting. All in one. In a Pringle tube. Just like you're going into your IKEA toolkit. There's spanners and everything everywhere. There's just a box, a little jam jars full of cum. It'd be a bit off-putting, though, when she said, oh, hold on a minute, let me just get a jar out. And then you need to open it for her. Well, what I'm trying to get to the bottom is something that a woman would want to keep from a man.
54:39Yeah, I think more chance. It's a trophy. Yeah. Donners, boxers. I think DNA is too much. Yeah. There's no, in my mind, that I think a woman would think, oh, fucking all that sound, I'd love to keep one of them. See I don't think women think like that Do they? This is probably Much more topical within the Gay world maybe Man on man So you just want to keep the butt plug? I think no, I think there's more There's more chance of a man A man keeping They just butt plugs all the way around the house With names on them And Sharpie Steve, that's Steve That's wide Trevor It's just men isn't it It's just men that are a bit...
55:24That would never do anything for me. I won't think, oh, I want to keep her knickers. No, but what I'm saying is there's more chance of it happening in a man-man relationship, keeping underpants, I'd imagine, because it's men that are creepy. One or two's all right, though, isn't it? Well, yeah.
55:48One or two doesn't harm anybody. Yeah. You know, that old story is lock-up that I've got. No one or two in there. You know, when the girls are away with the friends, what are the... You know, if a fella walks past. Do you reckon they're all like, oof? What do you think they say? Do you know what I think it is? There's always one. There's always one girl in a group who'll say something amongst them and then they all put the ten pence with him then, I reckon. So let's just play the scenario out, Chris. There's a group of five or six lasses, all really good friends. Justin Sinatra's in Marbella, and I walk past.
56:33If you think one of them's going, I'd fuck him. No, that's what I mean about I wonder what the topic is. I think someone would go, oh, I bet he's good in bed. I think people would be a topic that you could throw out to your friends. I bet you he's going to. Do you think so? Oh, no. What would make a man look good in bed? I don't know. Do you know what? I think I can tell when looking at a girl whether she'd be good in bed. I'd like to think. So I went to circus on Sunday. Fuck me. I took kids to circus and there were a group of blokes who did like, I think they were South American and they did all acrobatics and everything, jumping through.
57:16And part of at the end, they were doing a bit of a dance routine and one of them had a bit more thrust than the others in the hips. And that exact thought came into my head. How many women are looking at him going, oh, I bet he's good in bed. He just had the rhythm more than the rest of them. and I think it's a pretty PG conversation to have a girl to have with her friends in it like it's not too disgusting when they're like I want to fuck him but it's like a thing where you can throw out there like do you think he's good in bed and they're all looking like yeah I'm not sure what would make somebody look good in bed just walking down the street I wouldn't think oh I'll tell you what Matty but would you not with a girl He looks like he'll fuck them.
58:07Do you know, with a girl, in my honest opinion, I would say one who looked a little bit trampish. Right. I'd think, I bet she can fuck them. But could the same not be said about blokes? No, because if I... In the overalls and... So if I walk down on my main street with a fucking Nike vest on, me fucking... Me side me knife underriders in a pair of flip-flops. fagging me and bottle of lager other one they won't think oh I bet he's a right to fuck that tramp yeah yeah but I don't know you've turned this on yourself I know I know you've made it about you John no no no no but I think you're basically now asking us to go at what point would some women think that I'm good in bed no I would just but I know what you mean like could they just see just a a good looking like strapping young man even in the 40s and there's a you know a 23 year old walking up looks fit healthy attractive and one of them will go I bet he he was a good sign I think women will have that thought well we'll ask us partners we'll get back to it next week lady listeners as well yeah when I was at Norwich I played with a lad and a girl went up to him and went you're going to be the first person to make me come did he have a good night and he did he did he did and was he what kind of it weren't fucking Gary Dockers he was surely does he does he tick all them boxes of what I listed yeah yeah it's quite he rocked like that isn't it but no I don't what would you if you were looking at a woman and you thought I bet she's a right fuck what would it be that made you think that her eyes oh yeah I like that up the cosh see you next fucking week her eyes the way a girl looks at you yeah you'll know about her I'm with you but what if she's a size fucking 24 even then you can still be good in bed if you're size 24 she's not looking for a letterbox you're alright they'll just have a look I think I think men might if you're just having a conversation or whatever Right, chaps, have we got any other business?
1:00:36Because I think we're being kicked out of this room. Live shows, Doncaster. Doncaster, still a few tickets left for Doncaster. 21st of November? Yeah, Friday the 21st of November. Blackburn gone. There's still some at Barnsley, I think. Right, okay. Have a look on Skiddle. Yeah, so a couple of people got in touch with Newcastle. We're speaking to a couple of venues there. Preston's a big one. We need a good venue in Preston. so if anybody can help us out there with such style or not everything's ticking the boxes so if you're from the area and know someone give us a shout anything else? Went in my eyes Chris We'll see you next week Right up the gush
1:01:30In that pub, it's Friday Club. Bing, bang, bosh. With all of your favorites from under the cuss. So if you want to share a story or relive a form of glory, butter the wheat or clapping them cheeks, maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank. It's all here on the Friday Club.
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Another week down the club putting the world to rights. Including 5-aside injuries, take-away etiquette, tubs of spunk, and bedroom trophies.
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