Friday Club | Three Men & a Baby

31:29No social media, no smartphones, just the old trusty family PC. Generally shared between the house and ours was in the family office. Did you ever have a family office? Yeah. No. We didn't have a PC. We had a box room that my mum had a computer in. Were you allowed in there? I was allowed in there up until one point. Five minutes a day. I imagine this is where this email's going at. As soon as anybody was out the house, I was straight in the office. And my mum, I think, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my mum just sent me a text message one day and it just said, bigtitsroundasses.com.

32:08And that was it. And I'd been on Big Tits Round Asses that afternoon. Is that the last you heard of it? Yeah. Did you not address it? I just said, what you on about? question mark and see I can't remember I think she might have said you know what I'm on about and then there was I weren't allowed in the office anymore the text message that you sent back that's just opening worms kind of worms deny deny deny just ignore the message what you're on about just say next message is two hours later mum can I get spaghetti oats for my tea I think I put what question mark as in what on earth are you talking about but you know are you going to tell you to blame me dad it was just an immediate deny the thing is you've got to look after yourself if you chuck Jimmy under the bus so be it that's not a good game plan I just think it's best to ignore the text message although did I tell you about when my mum found a porno in my room and I was in the kitchen I went downstairs and it was real proper soft core you know like red shoe diaries I won it in Blackpool on a, like we were like 16, 17 and the guy went you can win a cuddly toy, he went I've got these if you're interested lads and we've got a bluey and my mum found it in my room and I went in the kitchen, it was on the ironing board my mum had my dad in there and my mum was like what's this?

33:33I was like, I've heard the foot stuttering and then she put it like my sister was my sister was like maybe 10, 11 at the time, she was like your sister's 10 11 you can't be having these things in your house but in the years previous I'd found my dad's stash in the wardrobe so I went oh what do you mean like I found my dad's when I was 11 literally pulled the pin out the grenade and my dad went no no I didn't have any of it absolutely textbook Chris survived it no problem perfect I think it's every man for himself yeah anyway I did chuck him under the bus as any 13 14 year old boy would as soon as the house was empty I'd be running upstairs like a wrap up a drain pipe straight in the office and logged into big tips round asses.com x and xx you saw a wee partial to that I've been on that maybe this afternoon is that why you will hear genuinely when he says the good old days these are the times before VPNs I've been to Norway just before the show I liked calm before the storm and he gets a bit serious here actually the family office was where I learnt my trade window overlooking the drive so I could see anyone coming into the house and those slightly down tilting blinds so I could see out but no one could see in absolutely perfect yeah he's got a good set up hasn't he how does that work then do you know them I've got the tilt yeah so he can see out Venetian.

35:07Is that what they are? Is it Venetian blinds? Fuck those. It was a great set up. A lovely big leather chair and a big screen that was way ahead of its time. Oh my God. Is he un-fucking there? What's he mastermind on having a wank? Just spinning round. It's important to note as mentioned. I've started to all finish. Go for that, Magnus.

35:35Specialist subject. Big tits round arses. Dot com.

35:41It's important to note, as mentioned, the office had blinds. Blinds I took for granted as they always protected my anonymity without a thought. Well done. Anyway, I had the perfect set up and life was good until Christmas that year. A new laptop was on the Christmas list. And luckily for me, Santa obliged. desktop PC out office turn into a spare room and now a laptop in hand with endless possibilities things started well I transitioned into my bedroom seamlessly HD porn films downloaded great HD screen and immersive surround sound What does immersive surround sound mean? Surround sound, in room, so...

36:30It's like you're in cinema. It's coming from all directions, literally. All great until I forgot my bedroom didn't have blinds. Anywhere. One day when the house was empty and a fresh HD porn film downloaded, I think it was Brazzers? Is that a classic? I'm familiar with Brazzers. It's like proper sweet milfs Sweet milfs You're like Yeah, Brazz's good Brazz's performers of the year Best bits Yeah, it's the creme de la creme Get the clips on I got my laptop out and I went to town Pants pulled down quicker than park here at a random park in Lightcliffe Is that where I'm shit? Yeah I'm in full floor when suddenly I hear a screech behind me at the window.

37:27I quickly turn around, cock in hand, to see the window cleaner. Oh, no! Frozen at the top of his ladders. Window wiper in hand with a face slightly resembling the scream mask, horrified at what he stumbled on. Yeah, I was going to mastermind, sure. This is funny. I managed to hop slash jump out of my room and dived into the hallway. I can relate to that. Like he's ducking for cover in NAMM. His huggies are there. Just below the knee, you know. And you can't quite get a full stride. It's like he's in a bag race at school, figuring it. You just can't get a full stride. Sack race at school sporters day.

38:13Oh, no. Yeah, I can get it. He's got close enough and just gone boom. Dived into the hallway, man. I waited, ashamed in the hallway, hiding and waiting to see him walk down the drive. To this day, I now always draw the curtains. I probably should have done that from the start, but a boy has to learn somehow. And I never saw that window cleaner again until, fast forward to today, I've moved out of the parents' house and living happily with my girlfriend about two miles away. All good and forgotten about until walking out of my house about six months ago. And I spot him. I spot the window cleaner.

38:54At my neighbor's house. How do I know it's him? He said. He was the spitting image of right said Fred's lead singer. A bit like Baldy. Only taller and with a piercing. So lads. Do I just avoid him until I move out? Or do I front it up? Walk out of my house and eyeball the fucker. knowing we share this shameful moment together. It's not his fault. It's not the window cleaner. It's not the fuckers if it's his fault. When I'm cleaning windows. Yeah, he's held a bit of a grudge against him, hasn't he, even though he was... I want to know where he is, because that is the exact... I mean, I don't know if many window cleaners might have the same appearance, but that sounds exactly like my window cleaner.

39:38I think you've said this before, actually, about your window cleaner looking like... Right, I said Fred. Yeah. bald head hoop e ring it might be the same fella which gets I'll ask him have you seen your wanking I think he's gone two jumps dive yeah kegs yeah you can't run he's had to pull his he's had to pull his legs through as well or do you reckon or do you reckon he's gone for the run and then you know when you feel the the resistance he's realised shit I've got my pants on I'm going to trip and just dive do you think he's he hasn't got enough time to free one leg the stamp and release you've just got to get out of there haven't you I think I don't think you should refer to him as the fucker I don't think it's the winder cleaner's fault oh no he's just doing his job but would you redress it can you you know like years I mean what was it 15 years ago do you think the winder cleaner came back down when you got the wanker in bedroom when I was 13 yeah and it's done then isn't it yeah but I think if he brings it up I don't think the winder cleaner will remember him do you You might not remember him from seeing him.

40:44I don't know. I bet they've seen him. You remember somebody wanking in the bedroom, didn't you? Yeah, but 15 years later, it's going to have changed, isn't it? It's a long time, isn't it? But then you're running the risk of, if the window cleaner does recognise him, of him telling everybody, you know, like, oh, see that lad who's just moved in. He said, you know, all them years I was telling you that I saw a young lad wanking in his room, I've only gone and found out who it is. They're probably drinking the same local. Yeah. But here he is. But is it that bad that your window cleaner's caught you wanking?

41:11at 13, 14, we've all done it, don't we? It's not great, though, is it? No, but we were all into it at that. Well, some of us, we are. It's not like, I don't know, if you caught him hanging out at the back of his cat, that's a totally different fucking kettle of fish. Just having a wank. I feel like we need to go back to me mate who got caught by his mum wanking on his knees. Yeah. I think that's bad. See, that's a difficult position to escape from. on your knees because how are you getting out of that? You can't go for the running jump I think you've just got to go with the flat Are you going for a I think that's the getting caught wanking final boss on your knees I think you've just got to go here dog in the corner that's right, you can't beat that I think you've just got to go here

42:15and you see her and you're just going to go

42:21that was a cleanse man for the audio and you've just got to wait until she goes just say nothing the dog's going to then start sniffing in here but then you can half get away with that it's like Rover get off me you dirty bastard it changes the scene doesn't it but then what if your mum comes in and starts talking to you like if you've just got the unbuttoned zip so from from the untrained eye of your mum looking at you you just lay on the floor for whatever reason no idea why you just lay on the floor but at that point she's going to start talking to you and you've just got to continue your conversation lay on the floor so just say mum I'm meditating I'm no I'm gonna have to go medical emergency Is she coming out yeah?

43:14I've had a... I don't know Mum my back's gone oh come here Christian have a rub Yeah I think that's... She's rubbing you while you're on your front This is an emergency man My back's gone Janet it's alright love it's alright I'll get some DP Lay up floor she comes in What are you doing? Oh I'm just lying there what do you want for tea? What are you on the floor? Your penis is out. What are you on the floor? when they were on his knees or on his bed he was on the floor with a laptop on the bed it's about it yeah he didn't close the block lived in a bungalow i don't know if we've discussed this before but are you what do you think your immediate reaction is is it laptop down or penis away what if they walk in the room yeah i don't think probably penis away because she knows what's happening, don't you?

44:07Yeah. Yeah. That is a quick decision you've got to make. I don't know which one I'm going to go first. It certainly needs that. Yeah, just flat out starfish. Anyway, going back to the email, does he address it or not? I think he's overthinking it. Yeah, I don't think he'll even remember this 15 years later. But it would be good crack for him to say. Yeah, remember this and then just get his cock out. I'm a lot better at it now.

44:41I remember I was about 12, and I went, jeez, I was in the living room with, again, we're going back a long way, so the material wasn't easy to come by. This is before the home office, and I had the catalogue, you know, on the lingerie section, as you do with the 12. I was in the living room at home, nobody in. But I remember hours later when my mum and dad come back, my dad said, oh, Uncle John's been round. And Uncle John came round quite often and he'd obviously knocked on the door and I hadn't heard. Uncle John, is he the postman or what? He's not waiting when your dad's at, is he? He said, your Uncle John's been round.

45:27Did you not hear him come? And I said, no, but Uncle John came round quite a bit. He only lived around corner. But every time my Uncle John come round, if nobody answered the door he'd walk right house and he'd look through and I remember the curtains were shut but they weren't fully shut and still to this day I don't know if Uncle John did look through saw saw his nephew going 10 to the dozen to braziers is that the Uncle John that has cat food sandwiches? yeah that's him oh by the way for our Muslim listeners. Obviously, it's Ramadan at minute, innit? Yeah. Just get up Manjaro. Yeah. It's a fucking piece of piss there, innit?

46:14No, but obviously the fasting from when it's dark to light to whatever it is, Ramadan. Just get up jabs. Piece of piss. We'll not even fucking notice it. This is a genuine question. Is it Ramadan or Ramadan? Ramadan. Did I say Ramadan? I think there might have been a double M. What? Did you just pick up? Picks up your... So if any Muslims aren't here, who listen, just get out jabs. Piece of piece, Ramadan. I'm doing it in my zen. I can do it in my zen, no bother. Tax Act understands you haven't memorised the tax code. That's why Tax Act has live experts to help. Tax Act can even do it for you if you prefer.

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47:54I tell you what, AAP has started. Already? Yep. So, I want to go with one of these. Do you think you could go for the double pronger? Well, luckily, I've got another one in my pocket. Did you know? Did you brought that with you? Yeah. Two tampons. Did you know this is how they work?

48:22I'm talking to the tampons. So, I didn't know this is how they work. Me and John have just gone for a wee by the way and there was a basket full of them. As a 44 year old man I thought I'd have a play with these bastards. So obviously that goes up toppy. Up. Push. Can you not do that up your nose?

48:47Pull. Release. Ah, the push and drag. Yeah, so that's how they get them up. You ever wondered? not really but I to be honest I think the reason it went through is because I thought it was cotton wool on flesh but it's not as that that's what materials that little water good so I'll get a couple of them up you know sniffling from the big man for a bit this isn't a trick question but can you get the hair fever jabs on top of the yeah kill a man but uh uh i'm gonna be like a pin cushion uh uh i'm having the i inquired about the hair fever jabs recently and she said you need to wait until it gets a bit worse but to get the better results right so when it attacks it yeah i think so so i'll get them in and all yeah you look like a walrus i might not need as uh as much dosages this time.

49:50I'm obviously fucking freestone down and I might just be able to go for the giraffe, the giraffe dosage as opposed to the elephant. Are you somewhere near where you want to be? Genuinely.

50:05See, we can put that on the thingy. How much would people pay for that? There'll be somebody out there, Chris, I'm telling you. We'll buy two tampons that's been at John Parkin's nose. Fiver. They won't fucking shoe it in. Anybody who wants to buy them won't fucking shoe it in. there's some sick people in the world John so I need to lose now another stone and then I'll be that's what I want to be like regular so I need to lose another stone and half for when we go to America then I can put a stone half a stone on yeah do you put more than half a stone on no I'll be walking when I did have a good dessert the other day while it's on my brain I need to say so it's an Andy griffin special he got going about for years he gets a 360 grammer chocolate it's a galaxy in the microwave how big 360.

50:59it's the big like the one of them not not the big big one but the the medium one yeah like the milk about that yeah not the yeah and he said the time and in the microwaves essentially you know imperative if it's a second too long you need to keep it on Get it melted to the good consistency. That's congealing if you leave it too long. Yeah. You get shortbread chocolate chunk biscuits. Might wave pings. What's that technique? Sprinkle? Yeah, but you've got to crush the shortbread. And give it a sprinkle over the chocolate. It's straight in at number one. Is that it? Yeah, that's it. No butter? Butter?

51:45Butter? Are you mad? No, just get a spoon and it's just simple. Somebody try it. Give us some feedback. You try it. I know you like your chocolate. Obviously, Griff's been doing this for years. But would it not be easier to do it in a pan? Maybe. No, don't put chocolate in a pan. Never put chocolate in a pan. You put chocolate in a bowl over the top of the pan and let the heat from the water melt the top. So you can watch. That's when it does congeal. And then there's a lot of wastage in the pan. Well, unless you scoop your scoops. But get a good shortbread. I'm a big fan of the crumble, as you know.

52:32Jam, roly-poly, all that. That's gone straight in. Really? Yeah. Anyway, castration kink add-on. Hello, gents. Again, I don't know if he's a... second time caller. Again, keep me anonymous. I think, I read the start of this and I think recently we had another email and he said, I can tell you about some of the crazy kinks or something that he's come across. And we said yes. So I'm assuming, I haven't looked at the email addresses but I think it's the same fella. Right. Ah yeah, so he's gone on to say, I wrote to you previously about the castration conundrum I faced and mentioned some weird kinks.

53:14so here are my favorite two I was talking to a girl from Wigan after a few days she mentioned she was in a CNC this could be your game this

53:29CNC as someone unaware of this I googled it come and carry put it in a pot and walk around with it all day. I googled it and found it meant consent, not consent. Oh. I asked her to describe how this would work and this is what she said word for word. So it's consent, not consent. Which one is it? Put your seatbelt on for this bastard. Word for word. You would come to my house unannounced and let yourself in. you'd come up to my room while I was sleeping cover my mouth and proceed to penetrate me sexually when I wake you would shush me and essentially take control until you climaxed I found this crazy and mentioned that one I didn't have a key to her house as if that's the first thing he's never thought I've never got a key How do you want me to get in?

54:34What on the mat? Breaking a window. Am I getting in? It's got flaws, this story. So does she expect me to actually break in? And two, is there a safe word? Oh, pineapple, that'd be my safe word. She responded that there was. The safe word was stop. Doesn't get much safer, does it? Yeah, but surely if this is a thing that she wants somebody, like a home invasion, and somebody that, it's kind of like a rape fantasy in a way, isn't it? Somebody's broke into the house. Obviously, it's all consensual. Surely stop is the worst. Yeah. See, like, it's all bollocks, this, because they both know what's going on, don't they?

55:23They both know what's happening. I know, John. I want something that you wouldn't say in that scenario to be the serve with. Citrus drink. Yeah, but also... Vimto. They're strangers. They don't know each other. So it's like... Oh, so he's never met her? He's only sported her for a few days. Right, I'm going to carry on because I like this. You've already given him a key. I like this kind of crack. McKee's under the plant pot. I wish that was the worst, but it's not.

55:50So, he's moved on. I was talking to a different girl. We'll call her Daisy. You must be on these kinky sites. And she mentioned she had a daddy kink. Now, as someone who has a daughter who was learning to talk, this was a big no-no. But as someone who hadn't ventured into the old empty headlock for a good few months, I decided to swallow my problem with it and move forward. Empty headlock. Is that a vagina? Yeah, big one. Fast forward to meeting her. she had quickly gone from an 8 to a 3 but well I was already there at this point she didn't look great and to be honest she didn't smell great but she had a wonderful pair of calcium cannons big enough to feed a crash so again I became blind to everything else for the time I needed to be until in capital letters she explained her daddy kink in detail it wasn't as simple as she enjoyed calling me that during sex she wanted the full treatment I mean wearing a nappy what?

57:10she were wearing a nappy or he asked her I don't know yet John let us get through it going to the toilet on a potty and expecting me to tell her she's a good girl drinking milk out of a bottle and using a dummy whilst wearing a baby grow.

57:31I mean, I'm sure there's somebody out there for her. You see, this kind of shit, right, that we've heard about, you associate with men, don't you? You know, like there's documentaries out there and stuff about them. You'd always think there's just some creepy, weird, unusual men out there. Not women. I know you bollock me for calling them horse's head in the jacuzzi freaks. Can I put her in the freak category? Yeah, you can for me. I mean, everybody, we're all into different things, Chris. I don't like that word. I laughed as she was telling me until she came downstairs in her nappy. Fuck off, man.

58:12You can't call her a freak. Not a child. What? Shut up, Chris. Not a child. Is it bullying? Then I have to be honest I decided I need to nip to the toilet To make my next move Pretending I was on Who wants to be a millionaire I phoned a friend who told me To man the fuck up And get the job done Your grandad didn't fight the Nazis For you not to blow your load Solid advice Solid advice So with a renewed confidence I went downstairs And there she was on the sofa Dummy in her mouth Saying in a baby voice Wah, wah Nappy wet daddy Fuck off Fuck off Nah It's a bad one isn't it Mercy me It's a bad one I'm not even putting my shoes on I'm having one in each finger As I'm walking out That's a bad one Oh god Well John I'm bupping her and I'm fucking off

59:09Make sure baby gate is on at the bottom of the stairs Nah I don't want to hurt her saying going upstairs and falling back down. Fucking hell. With that, I ran out.

59:27No need for him to be that loud, is there? That's what happens when you put tampons up your nose, lads. With that, I ran outside, jumped in my car, and I was off. The day after, I met my now partner, and fortunately, she's relatively sane. Keep up the good work, lads. I hope to see you in Blackburn soon. Imagine going for a piss Go on, sorry It's already been bad Coming down in the nappy And she gives the That'd be too far for me Fucking what? Too far for me But I can't call her a freak It's been too far fucking last hour I know Just fucking get out of town She's shitting herself Do you have to clean it up?

1:00:12Yeah, I think that'll be like a progression to our fantasy. Do you think that that's just, the kink is just all in that. Is there any sex involved? That's a very good question. I don't know. Because otherwise, you're just there as a babysitter. You're just, you're a nanny. You're a purr. I don't give a fuck how big calcium cannons are. Right? Get me the, I'm not going round to start with. If you're into that, no. I'm blocking me mate as well, by the way, who said your granddad didn't fight in the war. You'll fucking come round and fucking wipe her arse. I'm burping her and fucking off that is done as now

1:00:53I'd just be like that's too much for me what was the other one where do you find out how do you find out you're into that I know do you see something I think she's accessing the wank bank and that's her go to and she's thought I want to try it I think it's in her that she's that that's what she wants. I think it's a progression. You know, like you're into something a bit kinky and then maybe you get into these online groups or whatever, and then you get exposed to something that's a bit more... Kinkier. Kinkier. And then you're like, oh, actually. And then you're just further and further down the rabbit hole.

1:01:31Before you know it, you're in a playpen. What were after?

1:01:37Nappy wet daddy. So she's pissed herself. Come on, man. She's pissed herself. She sat there and she's pissed herself, waiting for you to come downstairs. What about the first one, where somebody says, you come and break into my house while I'm asleep? Stop playing with your Mickey John. You can see that I'm not, it's on camera now, love, you can see I'm not playing. She said, while I'm asleep, and you have sex until... She wakes up? Yeah. No, I've seen too many fucking crime. Yeah, too many fucking... There's got to be disclaimers involved there. you need it in writing don't you can imagine if she's you've got it on a text message haven't you can imagine if she's nuts and then just accuses you and you smash wind it get in police come round you've still got your balaclava on where do you even get a nappy big enough that's can you get them on I think she must have gone like a towel what safety pins yeah that's a bad one that's a fucking disgrace is that the worst that must be a bird up near Blackburn then wouldn't it yeah do you not think one of them was from Wigan first of them was Wigan first of them was Wigan that's up there with the fella that tied himself to the radiator yeah no freaks yeah are we finding the convergence it's too much actually I'm just thinking of the psychology of it you know if you're the bloat no don't overthink Chris let's stop thinking about it don't think that deep into it just label it a fucking weird freaky bastard yeah I mean I'm all for everybody just enjoying who they are shut up That's too far, that.

1:03:10That's too far, you bloody freaks. Enjoy who you are. I know, yeah. Right, live show, housekeeping, Chris. Sudocrem, do you use Sudocrem? Oh, no, then. But that is a good question. How far does she want to go with it? Pat dry, Sudocrem. Are we talking like putting... Are we talking... Saying that again, I do like a rusk. If you sprinkle a bit of that on a melted chocolate... Yes. Are we talking? Melting chocolate we're in. Once it's finished with your bottle, are we putting it in steriliser? Are we wearing that far with it? Right. I think that's us on that note. Yes, we're at home today. So what's coming up?

1:03:52Reading. You've got your Reddins. You've got your Stokes. You've got your Cardiffs. You've got your Newcastle. I don't think Newcastle. I think Newcastle's all gone, isn't it? Near enough. There's about, I'm going to say, 21 tickets left. That's very precise. are we getting channels of her for Newcastle and we've got entertainment at Redden yeah yes www.underthecosh.com slash live if you want some tickets Stoke I thought we said Stokes but never Stoke as well up the cosh Chris up the cosh by the way if there's any singers in Stoke shall we see if anybody wants to come and perform with us yeah you've got to be good like well I'm going to do like a X Factor beforehand David who sings yeah if you want you shite you can be David Williams who are you I'm going to be well I'm obviously Carolina obviously I meant a dick yeah you can be KSI champion he's on it now KSI on summit right next week over and out Oh, yeah, gosh.

1:05:36It's all down in Friday, club!

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