Friday Club | Too Much For a Sunday Morning

30:41Spreading and marinating his incredibly under-maintained, hairy Chewbacca-like southern region in his rancid crap. Oh, I feel sick. What resulted was Bert lining up against the wall of his girlfriend's shower, facing the wall, hands above his heads, oh, legs and cheeks spread, being power-washed off like Brian Potter in Phoenix Nights. all whilst his mother-in-law had to wash, had to clean his clothes. Oh, so I'm picturing Andy Dufresne. You know when he gets hosed down? Yeah. He answers Shawshank. And I can also picture you being in exactly this situation. Yeah. You're getting hosed down. No, but getting hosed down, his mum just like, knew pissed as fuck.

31:30Shockingly, his relationship didn't last too much longer and he has moved on to greener pastures Still an absolute moron, but a top-class bloke and great friend. Don't ever change, Dirty Bert. Thanks, Alfie. Well, Bert. It's all about... I know he's blind shitting, but it's all about... You've got to get your back up against a fence or a tree or something firm. It's imperative because then you can squat. this is the most serious i've ever seen i know this technique shitty right so to get against the tree obviously go down into a squat sort of position so your your shorts and that are probably a foot and a half in front yeah even if you fire it down the trunk of the tree or on the fence he's made vital errors haven't he yeah i mean obviously the other day when we were coming to Ireland we met at 6 o 'clock didn't we I walked into car park I'm just walking down and John's just coming out at trees it's just like just normal pulp roll out of his pocket it's unbelievable how regular it is toilet roll in one hand picture on his phone in the other I'll have to send it I've always got a toilet roll in my car for these sort of occasions it's not healthy But Matt is, obviously I've sent the picture of my shit into the group, and Matt is then fucking top-trumped, isn't he?

33:05He went to Scotland on a, what's it called, wakeboarding or something, or getting pulled up back of the boat. So Matt is at the side of a lake, so he's squatted at the side of this lake, and the video is probably, what, 10 seconds? And for seven of it, there's a poo coming out of his bum. A tail. It must have been a foot. I didn't expect it from you, Matty, I'll be honest. Oh, it was good. I've never seen it. I'm so proud of you. I can't wait to put it on here. And I'm like, I pulled Matty to one side at the airport. I said, look, if you're wanting discretion, if you're not wanting people to film it and stuff like that, you need to get behind a bush and get against a fence and get out of the way.

33:52So if you're sitting there, somebody's going to film it, aren't they? I don't, it just, I mean, I know I've got friends who are similar, who when they need to go, they need to go, like, now. Where are you? I've probably done it twice in my life. Yeah, I reckon I'm with you. In the hotel yesterday? In the hotel yesterday? I got the shits for eight minutes. You've got, like, some kind of deficiency or an allergy or something that when you, like, yeast or wheat or something. I'll tell you how quick it got. So, the stomach's turned, I've gone in, I've dropped my batch, obviously wiped, dropped my batch, flushed the chain, gone to wash my hands, and I'm back on the toilet before the flush has gone.

34:42Because me really got wet. You know, from the... Water comes up. So you sat down before the flush had finished? I had to. I've got no other option. I honestly the way you're talking about it I thought you were fighting in Nam I had to I had no other options my willy got wet I had the shakes for approximately 8 minutes and then I was out next shit was this morning

35:19I know whatever he's thinking did the lads make it home from Benidorm okay yes they did oh yeah a few injured injured soldiers but they all made it yeah and stickleborg stayed up this season it was because we've been keeping up with it thanks to our Nord VPN bouncing our location over to Denmark only from Denmark yeah yeah we'll go with Denmark because if you don't know what Nord VPN is you can bounce your location to anywhere in the world can't you and keep up with your sports your tv shows you maybe you want to buy something get it a bit cheaper give you somewhere else in the world flights is a good one yeah yeah i did watch yannick sinner versus dimitrov in the algarve last week the main thing was within 45 seconds i was on vpn no messing about and you didn't even need to worry about anybody in the hotel or anywhere in the local vicinity hacking into your accounts because you're on a public Wi-Fi because the security absolutely top notch like Fort Knox.

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38:01good morning who's morale if you've ever wondered what john parlin looks like after a two two o 'clock session it's this me and chris um got a taxi to the shop When we pulled on the drive, I looked up and I saw naked John Parkin swinging his mickey round the window. It's quite exposed, this street. You could get done for indecent exposure. Good little Willie. Thanks. I'm fucking rough as arsehole, by the way. Anybody else? No. Good kebab. Yeah. Big kebab. Excellent kebab meat. The chicken dippers weren't necessary. No. You ordered them. Why do you go when I come home? I can't remember we've been in a chicken dipper no four portions of chicken dippers yeah you know when we say people have our order four we couldn't even give them away could we there were a young couple next to us like he had one I think yeah I didn't realise how many there'd be better to have two not enough exactly kebab was nice we're going to Gaelic football today aren't we yeah up the Kerry Kerry Kerry who's he playing Donegal Donegal they've come over from India haven't they Indian supporters branch and have a Donegal curry please I thought it were a regional thing over here it's fucking worldwide yeah and I think we're going to get a lot of stick because somebody said last night how the fuck have you lot got tickets yeah O 'Neill's have sorted us out haven't they although someone was saying you could get a gram for them tickets now I'm genuinely genuinely thinking about turning up that drunk that they won't let me in and selling it outside yeah The thing is, I'm practically Irish after going to that festival for three years.

39:47That truly gets us in the bracket. Was it good? Unbelievable. Yeah. What's it called? Crack on the Creek. Crack on the Creek. It's probably too close to a wedding for me to go next year, but I will go the year after. I want you to come just to compare, because I know you're a festival. You went to that swinging one the other week, didn't you? You do like the festival. You're on a Lincoln show here, weren't you, the other week? just to see how you find it. It's just fucking brilliant. The Irish as well, just no trouble. Love a good time. But I tell you what, boys' life. I hope somebody got a picture of me at the front, like a Wally, singing my heart out, flying without wings.

40:29What does boys' life consist of? So they've obviously, and fair play to them, Keith Duffy and... McFadden. James McFadden Brian McFadden have obviously thought there's a few quid to be made so them two have got together and basically half of it's Boyzone songs half of it Westland yeah they both join in whichever but they came it was like a throwback to the 90s the jackets the shiny oh so they're playing on it oh there's the same dancing bit of tongue in cheek yeah this world has lost its glory Let's start a brand new story now I was stood at the front. Obviously, I'm a lot taller than everybody else.

41:16Some people behind me fuming, but I didn't give a toss. Were you reaching for the sun? That's the wrong band, isn't it? No, I mean reaching for the moon and pulling it in. Nah, I was just hands in the air, eyes closed. Singing my little heart out. On your own? We met a few people there, so we were big Westlife fans. Would you say that the boys' life is similar to the Legends slot at Glastonbury? Because it's like proper Irish bands, isn't it? Yeah. And then that's a bit of a... Yeah, Bewitched were there last year. I don't know if you remember. Right. And they do that slot. They've still got it, by the way.

41:58What did the witch do? What's Bewitched song? Say you will, say you won't, say you'll do what I want. Yeah. If you will. Bummed into a few cauchers. Did you? C 'est la vie. Sing for an hour. Yeah, bumped into a couple of Friday Club listeners. Me and Griff were on the way out, and it was his girlfriend. Excuse me, can I just say that we absolutely love Friday Club. She said. She said. Right, we need to get this fucking wrapped up quite quick, lads, so I'm going to go straight in. Oh, right. I was enjoying this. The chinwag. Nah, we've got a fucking game to get to. We need to get our minds on the game here, Chris.

42:35Cautious Court. Is my ex overreacting? Hi, lads. Love the plumb. There, Matt. Please keep anonymous, as her brother is an avid listener too. On a piss-up with all uni mates in Donagall this weekend. No, not in muff. Bloody hell. When did this come in? Yesterday. We put the bitch right in muff, didn't we? Yesterday, so he must have seen it. And then emailed. Went to bed horny last night and thought I'd give my ex a bell trying to get nudes.

43:11So is he ranger or text her? I don't know. Fancy sending me some pictures. She tried to call when we were in the boozer, so I thought she might be in a similar situation. Unfortunately, this was not the case. I ended up just having a catch-up chat and spoke about being in Tenerife of the lads last month. I told her about my, shall we say, playful mate, let's call him Oxy, who went, I'm, who when I'm bollocks, cops a feel and pretend to wank my limp Wilson off. Right, she's a, hey, give it one of them. It's hard work, this, lads. I told my ex this and she responded with the below message. Is this one of the top ten disrespect moments of all time?

43:58I'm sure Parkey will play with Baldi's chode in a premier inn in Sheffield. So far... It's like, you know, in Stephen Hawking's bombs talk, there's a little gap between every word. Like half robotic? Yeah. So for the jury and even the female Farrak Club listeners, is this a nick or is it just lads having good crack? Well, I will say she's an ex for a reason. But he sent the messages. I'm so glad you told me about your gay experience. I think you're a very confused person and you should probably look into why you let your friend play with your cock and why you didn't push him away I'm so glad you told me because it has given me the biggest ick known to man and I can finally get you the fuck out of my head It's a win for me I could even delete every single picture to do with us from my iCloud because it's given me the clarity I needed that I don't want you anymore at all Goodbye Hope you'll figure out your sexuality a tit.

45:02Is that it? No. Before it eats you up alive. Before it eats you up alive. So that's what she's messaged and he's gone with, message back, eight laughing emojis. No words, just eight laughing emojis. She sounds a right tit, doesn't she? Yeah. Good for that. So, his mates had a cop to feel of his Mickey. I don't think you'd feel comfortable if I grabbed yours. No. but then she's questioning his sexuality because it's just yeah it's not that's not the thingy it's his ex-missas that have decided to give him a lecture yeah yeah I think if someone grabbed mine I'd bat away yeah I mean that's another I wouldn't like it to be honest but yeah I can't imagine any of my exes giving us a flip and they'll get Bob before me huh somebody grabs mine they'll get Bob before me they can play with it all day no bother not a fucking problem but what would Katie say not be bothered I don't think Rose wouldn't bother so yeah it's not a Nick well it might be a Nick but the fact that she's have I spoken about that when I put one in my mouth no but I'm looking forward to hearing about it you was here was I yeah you was was I asleep

46:20yeah it fucked me believe it or believe it or not you were in old Dublin yeah it's all coming back to us now I think Christmas do remember who's were it can't tell who's it were because he was stood at bar talking to two birds right and I was like I'm just going to try and spoil this right you know sometimes you do don't you so I've gone up behind him unzipped his trousers got it out and spun him round got on my knee and just put it in my gob for five or six seconds that's good five or six seconds is quite a long time one it's in it's in it's in now one but like obviously three It worked because these two lasses were like, what the fucking hell is this?

46:59And got off. Did you get any feedback on your technique? Excellent, apparently. Was it? Toothy. That's what I'm thinking. I scraped the helmet with my teeth. No, so... Enjoy it? Yeah, it was fun, yeah. It got a laugh. Imagine it being very clean. Tea time in the old Dublin or Sunday. Well, we move on, John. We brush your teeth and... Exactly. But, like you said, different people, whoever that was, you obviously knew them well, and how she's reacted, he could have pressed charges for being falsely. Well, yeah. Yeah, was he fuming like? No, I thought he was. He enjoyed it? No, it was. Beep that.

47:51Yeah. I just see it as good crap. afternoon chaps love the plod the plod love the pod blah blah blah please keep me anonymous as I know a few of the lads who were there that day listened to the pod years ago I worked in a paper sorting factory in Huddersfield I don't know pick them up sort them out I don't know is that like the office you know yeah that's paper isn't it paper in most offices I would have thought no but it's an office for paper they sell paper I love that. Yeah. I never do all of that. Printing paper, I think. The younger lads in the factory used to stack up the goods for the machines and the older guys used to run the machines.

48:36This is only relevant to explain that myself and some of the other younger lads had assembled in the staff room Monday morning waiting for the shift to start. These couple of deviants, looking rather pleased with themselves, had a video on their phone they were showing the other lads. the video was a pair of them

48:59having sexual relations with a local girl they'd met in town on the Saturday night taken home and then videoed the proceedings I'm assuming she was party to the video in the pair of them were full Eiffel Tower when a couple of the old guys came in to inquire what everyone found so entertaining. A couple of disapproving looks and the odd one walking away in disgust when one of the guys went as white as a ghost. Oh, I think I know. Dropped his kit and started swinging. Turns out the young lady in the video that he'd been watching for a good minute or so until she turned and faced the camera was his daughter.

49:47Oh, fucking God bless you. it was the last time we saw either of the two lads and to say there was a bit of an atmosphere around the factory floor for a week or two would be an understatement keep up the good work we'll see you soon at a live show it's probably worse as a dad worst nightmare I can't think of any worse scenario senior daughter getting too bold especially if you've been watching it for a minute he's probably commenting on it as well isn't he good technique she's fit isn't she look at the shatty on that oh no that's our Julie that's our Julie gentlemen

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51:15No more add-ons. I've been stung quite a few times. Because I'm not very technical, but I don't need to be now, do I? I think what you're forgetting to mention, it significantly reduces, if not completely removes, all Roman charges. Well, you got stung, didn't you, when we went away and the hotel didn't have Wi-Fi? I needed to watch something, yeah. Watching all them videos. But to be fair, not only is it obviously easy to work, The security, as anything we know of VPN, is impeccable. So all you've got to do if you want to get involved with a silly app is go to the app store, download the app, and use the code, get ready for this, kosh, and get 15 % off your first purchase.

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53:08all right lads are you winning or shall I win no go on I'll get one ready all right lads love the pod blah blah blah please keep on us I will leave some finer details out to further protect identity having listened to the guy who got wanked off by a granny in America it had me thinking about my time in America hundreds of stories with two amazing six month spells working in the midwest I can confirm the accent goes down a treat and bumps you up to an automatic eight before looks come into it and i'm not posh it does mind over there was it i'm in vegas but i don't speak i never spoke to nobody I just sat on my own thinking Peroni once Peroni

53:58you know like I was proud to say this right I've been I went on my honeymoon so I probably had an ad on then but twice have you been twice or three times? I've been twice with you twice I've been so ten days I've never had an erection once. In Las Vegas? No. Never had an erection once. Not even in the jacuzzi that time? No. What are you erect? I can't remember. There's a risk of the eyebrows. Might have had one erection. But most of the time, I'm that tired and drunk that there's no feeling whatsoever in my pants. Anyway. I don't think I believe you there, John. I don't think I believe you. All right, okay, I'm just chatting shit.

54:49You've definitely had a wangle over there. Myself? I don't think I ever have. There's not a chance if you stayed in two nights, a couple of nights as well. Am I right in saying you stayed in? Mm-hmm. You festering in your bed? Yeah. Naked? Tired. I've had loads of rides on in America. Loads of ride on.

55:19always pointing in america i don't think we should do these sunday mornings was at a house party proper american style round my closest american friend's house sitting in the basement chilling out area having some drinks and chatting with some lads and ladies one bloke who was there with his girlfriend was a proper nice lad asking me loads of questions about back home and taking a real interest along with football chat as I played for a team whilst out there. While this was going on his girlfriend who was sat next to me put a blanket over herself and was chipping in here and there and slowly put the blanket over my legs too.

55:59While chatting to the group led by her boyfriend she started to ruby my cock with her foot. At first I thought ah it's an accident but it soon became clear it was not. I don't know how nobody saw. She asked her boyfriend to get her a drink from the keg upstairs. Whilst this happened the rest of the people in the room had begun chatting in smaller groups. She adjusted her sitting position and a little closer and placed the blanket a little higher on me. Her boyfriend came back and continued of the chat. She then began stroking my cock with her hand. Safe to say I was fully erect and didn't know what the fuck to do.

56:41She drank her drink quickly and asked him to get her another drink. By this time it was just us three in the basement in the chilling area. As soon as he left the room she straddled me and started necking the fuck out of me. I obviously went with it but was also thinking he's coming back in soon. That is a danger one isn't it? So we stopped and he came back in. A couple of hours later, people were leaving the party, having had a few more repeats of the above. She asked him to get their stuff and pull the car round. She then jumped back on and was proper going for it, grinding on me and necking, putting my hands down her knickers.

57:20To say she was wetter than notter's pocket is an understatement. It's a bit too much for a Sunday morning for me. She gave me her number and said call so we could hook up to fuck. But to do an American accent as they live together. But to do an American accent? I don't know.

57:43I never called her because her boyfriend was so sound I couldn't do it. I saw them at several parties and made sure I didn't get myself in the same position again. but she was always giving me the eye and giving me little touches here and there what would you guys have done I sometimes look back and think I should have just done it we're only 20 and doubt they stayed together but I just couldn't do it cheers lads fair play to them yeah that's what I'm going to at 20 I wouldn't be able to resist I'm sorry lads what you were doing just locking the door to the basement you'd have covers over them over them both you'd come in where are they where are they What's Mrs.

58:23Downs? Just what you're doing sat down there. Freezes coming. Just like that. No, I would. But when she said, take me number. Is that the green light? Mm-hmm. They're 20-year-old, lads. Party Saturday, you're thinking you're... He's proper sound. He's proper sound. I know. I know, Chris. It's not his mate, though, is it? Is it that just... They're just mates. Yeah, they're talking about football together. Yeah. Right. Well, maybe then. What are you doing? No. Push her off when she... If you get the foot around you, Mickey Chris. You like feet, don't you? Yeah. Starts going up your arse and that.

58:57Yeah, just big toe. Anyway, so this is a police again. You know. Go through. Is that it again? Well, I'm just assuming, because I've seen it in the first couple of sentences. And the title is, Came out of the bathroom like Yoda in drag. Now them boys. Blah, blah, blah. Quick one for you. After many years serving as a cop, we experienced a few memories and plenty of piss takes on the shift. One of the best moments throughout the years was after one of the Thursday Club sessions. Thursday Club was basically involved some of the lads and ladies on the shift that would take part in a beer or several after work on a Thursday late turn.

59:41This would involve finishing work around 11 and dashing straight out to the local nightclub. the good old days when these existed on every street corner. Obviously, there would be much alcohol consumption to relieve the stress of dealing with mainly dickheads of society. One particular evening, we had hit the nightclub and let's call my colleague Keith, who was very much a ladies' man and used the fact that he was a cop to pull the local ladies. I wonder if it works. I think so. Yeah. Man in uniform? I think, yeah. No, you could say the postman. He was a man in uniform. You could. This was the era when there was some slight respect for the old bill.

1:00:22Not now, as most would not piss on you if you were on fire. Anyway, Keith was busting the moves and talking the talk and managed to pull that night. It's not trunchions, coppers. It's not what, trunchions? It's a trunchion. Trunchion. Do they still have them? I'm guessing so. Yeah, I think they've got them. that then you flick it. You know, like the Star Wars. An extendable one. Yeah, I think you flick it and it comes out and then you can start knocking the fuck out of the floor. This doesn't make sense, buddy. Have the same fun, can you? You know, I'm just thinking about in the bedroom. Right, I wonder, Coppers, they've got their handcuffs.

1:01:01He's not impressed. It's done again, isn't it? Both ears? Right there? So we do our own Friday club. Because I bet they did in the day. What, Chuck can I shut the chunctions up for? Yeah. You can't do much with the taser these days, can you? Big pieces of wood then, bastards. Should we let him finish? Yeah. No, I don't. Crack on. So basically, he's put the groundwork in. We'll just give you time to figure it out. That's what we were doing. She asked him to hers and he popped off. He told us that on entering her house, he noticed various handrails and other aids associated with what he assumed may be an elderly person.

1:01:41However, he didn't mention it and just thought she maybe lived with her mum or gran. Hey ho, off he goes to the bedroom. Some kissing and smooching on the side of the bed. She tells him to get himself ready and she will freshen up in the bathroom. So we spoke, I like that. Bit of a wash. Wash your fanny. He proceeded to tell us that off she went and he got himself naked and prepped. You know when they say prepped, is it like a shake of your Mickey? Get a bit of blood in. He explained this lady left the bedroom at a standard respectable height of approximately 5 foot 2. After a few minutes, he heard the bathroom door close and the bedroom door open.

1:02:20He described the next moment as surreal. Said lady walked across the room but was not a mere 3 foot tall. What? Only seeing her head just above the bed, it was like a scene from Star Wars. Yoda enters the room and waddles across to Keith who has prepped himself and his fully erect lightsaber in hand next moment she grabs the bed and throws herself next to him the move would not have been out of place at the Royal Rumble wrestling tournament one of my favourite events of the year rest in peace Hulk Hogan it was at this point Keith had used his detective skills and could now surmise that she had, in fact, no legs.

1:03:06Oh? Freshening up had clearly involved the following. Teeth cleaned? Check. Remove clothes? Check. Don sexy nightdress? Check. Perfume? Check. Oh? Remove both legs? Check. I think you need to disclose stuff. Well, do you know? He's obviously not a great copper, is he? He's not fucking worked his heart. Do you think she has to tell him before? That's a surprise. Imagine just waddling in. Is he drunk? We're guessing so, yeah. She's legless. Oh, what? Keith went on to tell us that it was one of the best nights of sex ever. Positions that became easily doable due to the leg situation. And he now realised how heavy legs actually are.

1:03:59They're unnecessary, aren't they? Get it wet. Why do they all have them? without them you can put your other half into sexual positions that the karma sutra would be happy with what if they do a legless karma sutra what if they do a legless karma sutra you're all right for as you can imagine from that day forth he was ripped the piss out of throughout his career to the point a set of prosthetic legs appeared on the bottom of his locker almost like some modern day piece of art Keith even admitted that he fell for her after that night but nothing what are you laughing at lads because the boys have thought exactly the same thing took her legs off but nothing more happened

1:04:55Jesus Christ

1:05:01nothing more happened as she stated that her parents hated cops so she wouldn't be seen just thought i would share the story to show that to show that in the good old days even the boys in blue could have a good time please keep my name out of it as i swore the official secret act keep up the good work boys and stay safe wow

1:05:27did she come with one under each arm put her next to the bed for the morning I reckon on a shelf do you think what in bathroom yeah fancy legs in her well they're all coming out aren't they he's had a cider would you would you still would you still go ahead with it yeah 100 % that is the The worst possible thing you could do is put your clothes on and walk it just because you've no legs. The only thing that... The only thing... She's surely not going to catch you. The only thing that will put us off is the roll onto the bed. The scurry. The jump. Oh, that's in it. I can just see hands on bed and throwing her body up.

1:06:13Serious though, what does bottom half the legs position stop him getting in? Doggy style? I bet you You could do Yeah Just put her on and spin Like a spinning top Let them both eyes That you present You'll spin around Woo Come on Come on love I think I'm still I think I'm still Going ahead with it Like You've got to have a bash Yeah That's how I am doing Just to be safe I'm putting my wallet My keys and my watch On top shelf So you can't nick them You'll hear her jumping up

1:06:56I wish I was on your two level you look like having a great time five foot two he said she was a respectable five foot two you think you'd go a bit that's small that go a bit tall you can go as tall as you want that's probably the right made to order I wonder if she has like you know like some like women who wear wigs and that like might have a red wig a blonde wig a dark wig I wonder if she's got like different legs that's what I mean yeah maybe I think she'd go for like might have six or seven pair of legs different kinds it'd be terrible if she got one mixed up with the other one Kaiser Soze Earthlick that's a good film it is yeah what film Usual Suspect yeah I'm not sure if I've seen it have I seen it but it's very good.

1:07:50Should we wrap her up? Shall we play a little game? I'll count to three, you've both got to say a word and then you've got to connect the two words and see how many it takes you to match words. Seems like a very, very tough game today. So say any random word. You ready? One, two, three. Fart. Scrotum. You've got to say it at the same time. That would have been one, two, three, four. right one two three scrotum so we've got scrotum and willie what connects the scrotum and the willie one two three gooch there we go how easy were that the gooch the graham gooch was that planned i thought you were going to say there's some kind of psychological thing that we both yeah well yeah it's how quick you can match your words right ready one two three eyebrow what did you say eggs eggs and eyebrows so you've got to think of a word that connects eggs and eyebrows now one yeah one two three eyebrow eggs shell we'll move on yeah fucking swiftly i think that's uh i think that's us yeah Shall we wrap it up?

1:09:07I need to get to bed, me. If you want to send an email, Friday Club, under the cosh.co.uk. I've got holidays coming up now, so I'm going to try and do a remote one. Tell you what can be happening in these three weeks that you're off. Graves can be in operation. Shall we do a bit of a collection of graves? You're not killing people. Digging them. Yeah, get some Dougie Graves in. He needs resurrected. I'll get the email out then, eh? Eyebrow eggs. The email was bean-coshed, I think. Yeah, if you've got... Eggie bro. If you've got a mate or somebody that Dougie Graves can give a ring, put title Dougie Graves, but your mate's got to be good with it.

1:09:58Yeah. You know, it's got to be... There's no point in us doing it, and then he's like... You're not fucking putting that on. Yeah. I've started doing what you do now I've started doing like one Yorkshire accent you know something like that but I'll be up for a bit of a laugh and then we can have a word afterwards and if they agree for it to be on the show then that'd be good up the cosh enjoy your meritor Chris don't come back too chubby I can't promise anything I'll tell you what I'd like you to do I'd like you to calculate how many calories you've had in the three weeks it's not a lifetime thing but in three weeks right I'll have a toss up I'm tipping you're going to be four and a half thousand a day.

1:10:39That's 33 ,000 a week. I reckon you're in for 100 ,000 calories in three weeks. I don't think you'd be far off wrong, John. And I'd be disappointed if you don't. I need to come back fat as fuck. You'd be proper happy if I did. I want that one pair of jeans that you own to not fit you when you get back. Yeah, I think we need to address that, that you only own one pair of jeans. I think I can't get my brain around it. No, neither can I. Why? I do own another pair, actually, but I just never wear them. Too small. And they don't get washed either. But I don't think jeans need to be washed that often.

1:11:15But then, they stink. Mine do. No, they don't stink. They're a bit fusty. They've got cat hair all over them and semen and bean juice. Especially when she wanks me off with them on. You have a dry hump. denim would be different I dread to think what it looks like inside you're like up the cosh up the cosh if you want to email fridayclub at underthecosh.co.uk bye cheerio

1:11:59So if you want to share a story or relive a form of glory, butter the wheat or clapping them cheeks, maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank. It's all here on the Friday Club.

1:12:13It's all here on the Friday Club. Saying how you feel out loud is terrifying, but that's what Hinge's new free audiobook, No Ordinary Love, is all about. It's a collection of real love stories about five couples that met on Hinge. The stories are written and read by Tembi Dintonhurst, Nicola Dinan, Curtis Garner, Raven Smith, and Rufy Thorpe. I, Hunter Harris, wrote and read the foreword. The audiobook's out now. Give it a listen.

1:12:48I'm not giving up. I am selling the building. The final season of FX's The Bear. The restaurant is flooded. Everything's either gonna be okay. Nope! Or not. We are outgunned and we are outmanned. We have each other. FX's The Bear, the final season. All episodes now streaming on Disney+.