Friday Club | Under The Marital Bed

0:04Hey, hey, it's the Friday Club. The weekends here get in that pub, it's Friday Club Bing bang bosh, with all of your favourites from under the cuss So if you wanna share a story or relive a formidory Futter the wheat or clapping them cheeks Maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank It's all here on the Friday Club

0:30It's all here on the Friday Club Scooby dooby doo I've got a starter happy new year everybody happy new year that's not my starter I've got something to start with leave this to me step back first things first are you going to do the white collar boxing I think I'm working you have been invited by special invitation to take part in the white collar boxing? Do you fancy it? I would do it. Just do it. If it's in April, we can't because we've got live shows every Saturday in April. I'll find out the dates. If the dates don't clash, are you doing it? I'll do it. Yeah? Yeah. Who's the contender? I think it's the boy Akinfenwa.

1:27Adebayo Akinfenwa or something. Some scrot. Obviously I'm out on medical ground I can't train because I'm in a... That could be a lie You can definitely train There's a lie You can't get your miles in You need to be running out on the streets Pounding You don't John What? You don't need to run with them Have you seen Butterbe? Twit and twat I've seen fucking... I've seen Rocky Hey, running through that snow Nah You don't need that In better news I've got a warm weather training camp Florida Perfect Three weeks we've got I'm going to come over with my sparring gloves My pout pads or whatever they're called.

2:02I can see you now. So would you go hud up? I'd go hud up. I'd oil up. Oh, you're loyal. Oil everywhere. Butter. Lurpak. Thingy Adama, thingy Terraria. I've got the reach, isn't I? Yeah, oh. You've got everything you need to make a boxer. Apart from the big nose. Well, yeah. Big target. That's the target, isn't it? Do you know what? I just need a bit of motivation. Bring girls.

2:37I'm in Fuck it, I'll get my knees to work You could do it You could definitely do it How am I supposed to pound the streets of Barnsley? You don't need to pound the streets Just get on a bike Did you see Rocky on a bike? Rocky 4? No, nowhere near a bike Is it snow? Is it snow? You can't ride a bike for it's snow Have you seen Butterbean? Yes Butterbean goes running it's a strong 1500 meter you don't need to run so what you're saying is your arse has fell out you're not doing it the last thing I want to do is go into that ring undercooked what's happening is you've spoke to her about a live show he's asked you if you fancy it and he went and you've gone no but I know somebody that does and put my name down it pretty much went a lot lighter yeah but your name's down you're in divided the thing is we'd have a handy kosh firm turning up in Liverpool I'll skirt your water in you know between rounds Will you be in my corner?

3:30Spit the kidney. Oh, fuck you will be. Just think out, pal. I'm with my own towel. He'd just be annoying, wouldn't he? Chris, just fuck off! Just trying to put ice in my mouth on that. I'm just going to chuck towel in straight away. Acting the goat massaging my leg with one of them. He's done all that draining, like, ring ring ring! Ah, fuck it, he don't want to do it. People are paying hard money for tickets. I'd need one on the end of my nose to get angry. I think that's when I'll get my best. I can give you one, you know, before you start. I put a glove on. He's just slapping you. Imagine the camera, and then there's just him, sparkle on the floor.

4:12I don't know what's happened backstage, but the bald ones in a coma. No, no, I want it in the corner. You know, before you go to meet each other, you need that, get up and go. So you just look at me dead in the eye. I tell you what look we need. The double thumbs up. I tell you what look we need. We need the, when you knock the pint out of your hand in Germany. That look. Like, you know, when you want to really rip his throat out. Or when Sedg you ripped my shirt. Yeah. In fact, after the boxing, I think we'll get UFC. I think you've got it all. Are we having good Christmases? Too good, Chris.

4:47Back for 2026. To be fair, I were ill most of it. you've asked me a question I've told you the answer no I've gone oh I feel sorry for you I didn't really do much didn't eat much Christmas day went out Boxing Day and then went out New Year's Eve that was it you look like you've lost a bit I've been ill because of the flu you've lost a bit because you've been ill

5:17you ain't fucking lost now have you Fuck off. We're getting smug with it as well, eh? New Year's Eve, New Year's Eve, dinner dance. Must have been in the youngest five in the room by a country mile as well. There were people in the 80s, 90s. It were an old crowd. Did you get up and dance? Yeah. Were there many on the dance floor? Yeah, to be fair. Oh, dear, there's a straight up first song. Is it like couple dancing as in? thingy in ballroom it was like a Motown night so you're more than a number in my little so there there were plenty up was there any talc was it that kind of any what talent oh I thought you said talent well maybe 60 years ago but we're now you know when you feel like youngest in room yeah easily in the youngest 10 I'll say there were a couple younger than us you know like because normally New Year's here we go away on New Year's Eve and you get to the hotel and you go out at two and for the last four or five we've been in bed at nine, half nine never even seen it so we thought we'll change it up like go to the dinner dance starts at seven we'll definitely make twelve I mean it is an old thing to do you know what you do in New Year I'm going to dinner dance give you shit should we book a dinner dance it's cute yeah let's go to a dinner dance but I said to her you know like people have black tie job I didn't wear black ties did you go classic after dinner speak in attire no I went even casually yeah yeah I read the the dress code all wrong was it frowned upon or I felt a little bit out of place yeah a bit underdressed but like when you see you read it all wrong I'm assuming there was a it was written down no no they weren't written down no Surely it was When you booked it It says black tie event Or suit Possibly yeah Might have not read it at all Did you do it again?

7:25Not for another 40 years or so Maybe What were you expecting though? Going to a dinner dance I reckon you've got to be Over 60 to be thinking about Oh what should we do New Year Dinner dance Just to finish New Year's Eve I booked me over taxi at 2 minutes past 12 Were you done? Yeah I was ready for a while our hip taxi at 17 minutes past 12. What does Katie do when she, like, when you're being John and when you're done, you're done and she's got more in the tank? She's just got to bite the bullet and come home, ain't she? Does she sulk like I do, or? Not as bad as you. Did she want to come home at two minutes past 12?

8:06Yeah, we were ready. You were both ready. We're ready for bed at nine and a half, nine now. That's like the bodily, that's the body clock. 10 o 'clock I want my eyes closed but if you'd have gone somewhere where it would bounce in a bit still got the taxi at 5 past 12 no music would go in and it would I wanted to go home at 5 past 12 but what I'm saying is it's your environment if the music would go in people on the dance floor you've got you've got cocoon Chris we've been in an Irish bar in one of the best cities in Europe and he wanted to go home you've got no chance very true that is very true I've turned into a miserable bat yeah miserable old cunt that's ridiculous but probably warranted C-U-N-T I just haven't got it in me to get past it now I'm not arsed about getting past it if I'm ready I'm ready I'm like I haven't got FOMO anymore who said FOMO I just think something will happen when I go home something good will happen and I'll miss it and they'll be talking about it But you can make the goodness happen.

9:12I can't because I've got no in me. I'm tired. You know I don't do well tired. What about when we went? I mean, yous two came out for food. We landed in Dubai. We were there for three nights. Must have been nine o 'clock when we got to the apartment. Are you having a walk out for food, John? No, I'm going to bed. I don't even bother asking him now. That's where we're at. So it's not like... So we've got to that stage. Transfer to football, when a manager gives up on a player, that's where I'm at just don't bother we went there after the Blackburn show we'll come on to the the Ray-Bans in a minute but we were sat on the couch it was when that youngin knocked the drink over us the way we sat in where were we?

9:52we were going Blackburn didn't we? we were at Bolton definitely maybe go on set the scene I mean then we just sat on the couch on the dance floor lower than everybody else so we finished the Blackburn show and it was Blackburn show slash Christmas do we'll go out for a few drinks after yeah but we were just sat having a drink, chilled really. But there was a couple of lively folk on the dance floor, weren't they? They were like stood up. So we were like, our face were probably their bum eye, wasn't it? Yeah. So this is how low we are. It wasn't the best place to be seated really, were it? No. A lot of the tables were taken, but there was just a couch at the side of the dance floor and it was a small dance floor.

10:29And some young 'uns just, I don't know what dancing he was going for, but he's come backwards. Did he come? he sort of like fell half fell didn't he half fell half did a twist dance but anyway he's got a pint of dark fruit I just looked right it was dripping off his own I just shook my head it was it was like being at fans park again your own no things like that happen was he apologetic I think I got a gesture of a sorry sorry yeah but But you can see why fights happen, can't you? Yeah. He maybe should have offered to get us another drink. Yeah. I think that's the avenue I'd have gone down. I think it was because I went, don't worry about it, pal.

11:17Thumbs up. This is your wife and your friends. But just after that, again, we were sat on the sofa and I've clocked. The fella stood. There was them folk dancing that spilled me drink and then there was a couple of young lads, youngish lads, and they've clocked in and they're nudging each other going and pointing over. Anyway, one of them's come over and he went, I recognise you from somewhere. I can tell you all this. I'm like, pretending not to look, but half. Yeah. And he's gone. I can't remember. He said this to me? He said this to you, yeah. And he's like, Hat-trick and Ellen Road. Fuck off.

11:52Big picture. Metrodome tickler. You know, give up one of them. Big picture. It's only a matter of time. Then he's gone. Got it. Used to be the dormant panacea in Manchester. He was fucking wounded. I was fuckled. What did you say? You're not on the list. You're not coming in. I can't remember this. You don't remember? No. I can't remember. Is that what he said to us? Yeah. Your face was like, you'll get it in a minute, you know. Friday Club. Ellen Road. I've got Ellen Road at a trick. We were fucking 18 years ago or something. I bet he was only four. I've never seen you so wounded, shocked, disheartened.

12:43There's a pair of Ray-Ban Meta glasses going on vintage in the near future. Why did you lose them? To be fair it was good in there initially. When the band were on it was half empty. It was Mad Friday in all mind. Mad Friday probably 12 o 'clock. But then as it hit 12, the crowd in there just got younger and younger and getting to one o 'clock it was like a crash a very young crowd and i just remember i went to i went to the toilet and i'm coming back through you know when you're like it's that it was packed that you're just edging through a crowd and i'm coming through and granted i had that i had them ray-ban glasses on but because i had them i always i usually always have them for a live show in case something good happens and get some get some content but i still but i didn't have the case with me because we were going straight so I just kept them on so I had that on I had one of Oscar's jackets on that I chucked on at way out so yeah I probably didn't for a third forty one getting on for 42 year old gentleman probably did look a little bit on the youthful side but I'm just going for him there's a young girl she must have been 19 and as I'm coming for her excuse me excuse me and she just looked at me she was chatting with someone eye contact and you know when someone wants to say something I looked at her and she just finger midlife crisis carried on talking I was absolutely and do you know what I was in such an happy mood do you know when you're in a you know when you're in a good mood and you're like overly friendly with everyone and I was just shocked I went back to where we were sat I think I told you I took my jacket off I took my glasses off I'm like looking at myself it was in my head what you done you ate your way through it by the way you know when I I can't remember which episode it was when the you know it's festive period when your bellies are rubbing together friction burns really are they yeah just what you on pseudocram

14:46that's when I knew I actually went for a run the night after I thought I can't have this anymore man bad what's your thoughts on people announcing everybody that they do in dry January. People who will put it on the stories and stuff. Yeah, they'll set the phone up and then they'll take a video of them in the ice. Honestly, nobody's asked. Keep it to yourself. Just get on with it. Well done. Yeah. Hiding stuff's no good, is it? Either. What? The other way. You know, when you're pretending that you're not doing something. Especially when you call yourself honest as well. Yeah. Yeah.

15:20Coffee, anyone? tell you what though I am I'm not announcing it just for that but I am doing dry Jan no I'm not doing not one 30th of Jan we've got a live show yeah is that our first yeah so I'm pretending it's February yeah so I'm doing 20 30 29 and a half days I'll do it's enough innit nobody's gonna nobody's gonna fucking go over a day and a half either no I think it's good though have a rest yeah yeah and if you don't feel like you need to do dry jan I don't think you've done Christmas proper I just fed up I don't know if it's because I say I'm ill over Christmas but I just fed up of getting up and feeling like shit I thought you were in a bad mood yesterday so it's not doing out for your mood what you were just quiet yesterday weren't you yeah are you eating enough no not eating much why eh I'm on a bit I'm on a mid fast aren't I I'm doing a medium fast.

16:21Not a full fast, just a medium fast. We will get it out of him by the end of this road. I'm waiting for Honest John to read his ugly head. There's been quite a few deflection tactics so far, but getting up and making a coffee is the best one yet. No, I'm not.

16:43Only fools and queefing. Hello, cautious. Big fan of the show, blah, blah, blah. please keep me anonymous as my missus listens to the show from time to time after reading the email she's going to know it's it always makes us nervous when that comes up what when they listen from time? yeah I want to just give you a bit of first hand experience and advice to the listeners regarding background noise when on the nest to give you some context for the past 12 months I've been working away through the week which has limited my sexy time to mostly weekends Cut to a typical Saturday evening and me and my wife were watching the ever funny Only Fools and Horses.

17:26Specifically the episode Danger UXD. Don't know it. Over my head. As we are watching the mood struck and I made my move. With the missus being on an oil change the week before I was even more eager to get into gear. Being the gentleman I am I treated my missus to some top draw cunnilingus. Top drawer? Top drawer. I've got a mint under my tongue. Only fools and horses on the head. I've got a mint under my tongue. It was only then I heard a noise. My immediate thought was that my missus had queefed in my face, to which I replied, You dirty bitch.

18:11This caused my missus to be instantly offended and call me all the names under the sun, and also killing any chance of laying pipe that evening. It was only then I realised it was the sound of the Only Fools and Horses episode where the blow-up doll self-inflates and jump out in front of Del Boy.

18:34I wish this was the only time this has ever affected my favourite Hobbit, but there has been a time or two when I have laughed mid-thrust due to something I can hear from the TV in the background. just curious if this happens to anyone else up the cosh and look forward to seeing the big fella at the charity night at Seaton next year that must be me yeah see you then he's not big anymore by the way you'll not even recognise me I don't like volume like on the telly no I have to turn it down I remember halfway through once and Rose made a comment about what was on the telly which was a bit of a confidence.

19:15That's a suckable offence. For him? Both. Both get your P45s. What, like, comment on what just happened, or was it a get this off? It was a Sunday morning. What's on Sunday mornings? Cooking. Countryfile. Countryfile were on. That's on Tea Time. That's on Six Bells, is that? It was that kind of cooking show. Titchmarsh? Might have been. in my opinion and she went oh them plums look nice oh were they peaches they might have been peaches oh you're not doing the job right yeah I know but like if you're watching the football and you get into it they have a a glance over yeah it's dangerous it's a goal you know like when you're thinking you're fighting a football team what's going on is it Ireland I'm double captain who got that yeah that's bad two and a half weeks my mum what without sex yeah what She left you?

20:12Grundy a bit. Have you been eating your way through it? Have you been taking them off the wrist, or...? One or two. A day? No. School holidays again. School holidays. Two weeks off. I don't think you realise that. June's in our... When it's school holidays, she just comes and stays in our room. No chance. And I haven't got the heart to... You can make it happen, Chris. So what have you been doing for the... Wank. Off the wrist? Gone to the toilet. A bit. You know, a window of opportunity. but if there's a window of opportunity for a one Chris there's a window of opportunity to you know what I'm like it's howling stuff

20:51they're nice plums aren't they she gets right into it howling stuff I don't like Titch Master's cardigan I'm not really into quickies yeah knee tremblers in a doorway tackle especially if you've been waiting a while I don't like to just think of myself, I like to be selfless when making love. Going back to the telly, this war, probably a bit, well, whenever Miracle and Medina were, remember the Ryder Cup? I had a bird over, and I think I must have invited her, because the Ryder Cup was pretty much done, I thought it was going to be a bit of a dead, like, there was 12-6 down, they were going to get beat, so I'll invite her over, watch the first bit, and then once they're done, anyway there's probably an hour and a half left to play like for the last groups and that and it started getting tight and that she went you want to come upstairs do I fuck not a fucking cat in hell not till that last putt's gone in love as soon as that as soon as that putt landed I didn't see a lift drover let me tell you I'm trying to think if I did that if there was a match on a summit and it was put on after match yeah if I say something like that I'm not getting it at all then Would you rather watch the football, would you?

22:07Everything turned out best for them Europe won the Ryder Cup And we ended up Coming upstairs Oh, did I tell you My mum and dad have gone away For Christmas Off the back of our conversations What we've heard about On here They're on a cruise So I ordered some pineapples Magnet pineapples for the door And I told my mum That if you put them on your door It's what regular cruises do And you get little perks like little extras they know that your regular crew I said just pop the party it's like a thing they make your towels into ducks obviously from what we've heard about the swingers anyway I went to Turcom Airport turned up I've read about them pineapples I've read about them what are you trying to do to us I'm gutted because I'm already with have you got your pineapples on have you got your pineapples you'll get extra cocktails and everything room service the lot but she's been in touch with media, haven't she?

23:04Yeah, she has. Every day. Well, I've opened her eyes to it now. She's like, they're bloody everywhere. She's sending me pictures of blokes with pineapple shorts on, pineapple bikinis, shirts, the lot. She's like, bloody dirty buggers, aren't they? They're everywhere. I'm tipping 75%, maybe 80 % of them people who've got pineapple swim shorts on have got no idea about the pineapple. Yeah. It's crap. I know. But in your mum and dad's head now, They see a pineapple, they see a swinger, don't they? Yeah, bloody buggers. You put that in there, Ed. Yeah. He's just got his shorts from M &S, hasn't he, before he's gone.

23:41Hey, they're nice. Fruity. Hey, I'll tell you what, I'm not going to the extents of the salmon sperm, but I bought a bit of that eye. Serum? Serum? Is that what it is? I've got some, yeah. I've looked in the mirror and we're getting old now, aren't we, lads? I could see, you know, extra lines. and I've always been a mantra of a man's face is his autobiography a woman's but a book of fiction but I just looked and I thought there's some creases going on there. Do you think it really works? I don't know I don't think so. Korean stuff I got. I mean you ought to be catching me up on the looking old game now You think?

24:27Yeah, Matt is still very youthful I don't know do you just notice it one day it's more after I've had a drink if I've had a late night saggy eyes yeah I feel and look horrific would you have surgery no you nah what do men get surgery wise would you have your bags done there I don't know if they just like take them I don't know what do they do yeah I know women get that done don't they a man's face is autobiography John well obviously you're not happy with yours are you I'm contradicting yourself. I think for men, the happiness is at the end of a needle. Just get the... What, Botox? Yeah, Botox.

25:07Have you ever had Botox? I've had it once. Have you? Yeah. What? It was before we were filming, actually. It was the Euros at Box Park, and Akosha picked up on it. Did he? Mm-hmm. We'll have to scroll. I'll get it up. Where did you have it done? You've kept it secret all this time. I don't think I've kept it secret. You can't keep injections. You're keeping injections? I've said it on here. Have you? And I was, I think I must have just been away because I was mahogany, but my grid just wasn't moving. Oh, was it your forehead? Yeah. Could you see the tan lines? Like we had squinted on? No, I don't think so.

25:45But there wasn't much movement there. I thought it looked really well, to be honest. But it was Akosha did say something. See, I think it's easy to spot, especially if you've Ashley Ward. has obviously had quite a bit done, you could tell. No, it's definitely not for me. I don't think he looks, apart from his Barnet, I don't think he looks old. No, look. When he wears a cap, when he goes into my bed. Maybe you were just catching me up then, you were all right. My eyes are getting older. Or some would say wiser. Wise eyes. We are getting older, well, I'm on my way to 50. What are you now, 44s? Yeah.

26:23Fuck me, we are. When are we going to start growing up here? Well, you have. yeah but that's the thing mentally yeah you're naps and that but mentally it's alright clinging on to I think you can get away with that, nobody's bothered about that as much but then it's when you step into physically trying to look younger rather than just acting I've naps since I was 20 yeah it's different when football I think you do don't you, I used to nap on an afternoon and what have you but it's different when you step into the real world and you're having a dinner on a Sunday then going to bed for a couple of hours.

26:59That's like, I associate that with my granddad. My granddad used to do that. Yeah, and bliss, I think. Dinner dances and stuff. Do you not think there's hope better, right, than getting up on a Sunday morning, taking dogs for a walk, going up to mother and father-in-laws, having a Sunday dinner, right, clearing up and everything and then just going in bed for two hours? I've never done that ever. I'll fall asleep on the couch on a Sunday sometimes when the commentators I need to be I need to be comfy I need to be like I need to be horizontal clothed off like three till five Sunday surely that's the perfect window for a shot off no because the kids are knocking about aren't they I know but you can make it happen John just get on the lazy half turn get it up there straight up the flute that's the that's what it's made for.

27:55Whether the... Normally, I've had a lot of dinner, Chris. The last thing she watches and me having to soon come her back. Friction. Because some friction burns off my chest and my belly. Like she's been there in a dry water slide.

28:12Did you see that I played it before? We have had people say, bring back the fart of the week and bring doorbell. And we've got a two-in-one, are you? Just before you play it, this is I'm guessing I saw this on on Twitter or Instagram and I reckon it's Christmas day I'm painting a picture I'm filling in gaps here but I reckon it's Christmas day full day at someone's house yeah dinner they've had drinks and then it's home time 11 he's driving yeah he's driving I know with his tone I reckon he's pissed as well in the walking home no with his I think with his tone he's pissed off because he's not been drinking right and he's told her not to go to don't be getting too pissed like don't be showing yourself out see you later later I love it bye bye

29:09I fucking knew it I fucking knew it she clares into the car by the way so he's about what five ten yard in front of her she stacks it off the steps out the door clatters into the car releases an unbelievable fart the fart text bucket is wet it's quite long let's go again see you later laters bye bye oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh prick i didn't hear that yeah he's he's not he's driving yeah he's had one of the worst days of his life yeah he's wanted to go for about three hours yeah he's a family somebody just put another glass of wine like fill the wine up he's like oh and then she's saying goodbye to everybody three times give me half an hour one of them come on oh well then where it takes half an hour for leave house.

30:16You know, when you say bye and then get chatting. You just want to go. Yeah, I think he's driving. I fucking knew it. He nearly blew his wig off. It was a good pump. Excellent pump, yeah. I'm going in. The case of the mistress shoes. Please keep anonymous for obvious reasons, but names are changed and this was a long time ago when I was 19-ish. Keep up the good work, blah, blah, blah. 99 to 2000-ish. Just a short one for you guys to consider what you would have done in the similar circumstances, as I'm sure you've all been there. We'll see. I was working in a town centre bar in my youth, still living at home at the time, and had made significant progress with several of the barmaids.

31:06Busy pub, lots of casual staff, mostly in their early 20s, but some a bit older. At that point in life, it didn't really matter. Any opportunity and the rat was up the drainpipe. Most of these encounters were at a house two of the barmaids shared. It was very much a house of ill repute. Anyway, I was working one day and a friend of one of the barmaids comes in for a drink. She was a bit worse for wear, but it was a Friday night. She was a firm 4 out of 10 at best above the neck. but had a decent frame let's call her Laura aged about 30 so he's 19, she's 30 jackpot not bad, especially the fact that she's come to you long story short when I walked down to the bus station after my shift there she was, waiting for the same bus turns out she lived in the next village I get on the bus and strategically sit across from her The conversation develops and she invites me back to her house.