Friday Club | Where's Wally?

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1:02You're in liver for the glory. Fat of the wheat or clapping them cheeks. Maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank. It's all here on the Friday Club.

1:15It's all here on the Friday Club. Interesting product placement going on here, John. What? Oh, how's that got there? Someone's left a book on the table. I'm going to give you all a copy so you can read it and then obviously tell everybody how fantastic it is. Is it good? I mean, it's already got some reviews in. Or maybe is this just on you? Off you? On you, sorry. From Robbie Williams. Larger than life in every sense, John is determined to enjoy the journey. Something I can very much relate to. That's from Robbie Williams. Two peas in a pod, me and Rob. I'm going to have to read it to find out what it's about because I asked him on the way down.

1:55What's it about, John? No idea. Obviously. I haven't got a clue I know what it's about is that just your ploy get us to read it yes tell you what Brian Orton as well has got how does Brian Orton talk what's his it's not that Yorkshire one that you do no you're right mate a great lad and I'd love to have him in my team last at some of wine oh and Dame Jilly Cooper that's the same one as the first book I'll be honest with you is it is it you just carried it over I haven't The guy who wrote it as. You can't do that. It's fucking done. It'll be on the grave. It's done. One loves his honesty and wild generosity.

2:38That's Jilly Cooper. Yep. Pre-jabs, by the way, on the flipping. I know, yeah. I can never remember your neck being that thick. Can you relate to that? When you look at it, can you think? Ooh. Fat cum. Yeah, fat, yeah.

2:54But our happy, our happy fat. thrills spills and belly laughs so the new book's out now the new book is out now the link that what the little square thing where all the funny lines will be on the QR code that's the one will be on oh will it it fucking better be or I'm leaving how did you set that up uh you set your own QR code up no no the publisher did just forward it on to me and I forward it on to the powers that be. So go on, what's it about? Just my thoughts on life, really. The ghostwriter asked me a question or gave me a topic and I just said what I thought about it. Moonlanding? Did we miss the moonlanding?

3:36Is that in? No, the moonlanding's not. I wish I'd have put the moonlanding in, to be honest. Next book. Correct, Chris. I want more than J.K. Rowling that eventually so could we now would it be fair to say John Park in the philosopher correct yeah it's few stories in there as well from from over the years so award-winning author he hasn't won any awards yet but it sounds good time yeah probably wait with any awards if I'm honest so yeah if you want to buy it father's day coming up or just for if you just really love someone but you No. Your partner. If you want to give John a few quid, buy the book.

4:16If you love John, if you really love John, just buy his book. Fuck me, I did an interview for fucking Talk Sport the other night. 20 to 12 at night. Who shows that? Paul Ross, maybe? Paul Ross? Is that Wossie's brother? Is that Wossie's brother? The one that... We spoke about him, didn't we? How he... Getting to ketamine. I did it. To be fair, that's probably white with that time of night. He got caught. dogging of cottage in your cottage yeah yeah we don't think we need to make sure this is factual yeah you've thrown two outrageous accusations at him there ketamine addicts and cottage of whatever cottage in is you've had your coat yeah too much yeah again went to the baghdad butcher and he just kept cutting and shaving and trimming probably probably took him about 12 minutes and it were done at six seven is it a scissor cut or does he take the blade and zero fear and then he has a couple of scissors and he has a little another little razor but it's only two week three week up and half all right in it Paul Ross admits cheating on his wife in tenure in of 10 years with gayer for TV's Paul Ross my gay drug romp shame is that what cottage in is yeah having an affair with somebody of the opposite sex.

5:36Cottaging's just like dogging, but gay dogging. You meet up in toilets. It's definitely the same Paul Ross, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I wish you'd have told me this before I went on. I could have asked him about it. Let's talk a little bit about you, Paul. Any chance you can email us a story in, Paul. I mean, I'm sure he's trying to forget all these incidents and moving on with his life, so sorry, Paul. I've had a bit of stick and all, you know, recent. I went on a podcast, didn't I, the other day. all out football is that what it's called? Right You were on a job I know yeah all out football and I've got a story came out about me sort of boasting about what I had for my pre-match meal and the night before and got no wonder he looks fucking 75 you know going on about me diet and that no wonder he looks 75 yeah shit level fat bastard and all this sort of stuff so I've been I've been quite offended all week You've not, have you?

6:33No, you've never been flying for Euston, haven't you? Yeah. Rough wit smooth, innit? Rough wit smooth. So yeah, if you want to buy it, please feel free to buy it. How much is that? Not sure. Why would you ask me all these sorts of questions? £16.99. That is heavy. Is that the... I reckon you can get a discount somewhere along... Give it a couple of weeks. everything's a quid £16.99 I know that's heavy that there's a lot of paper hmm er a lot of wisdom in there oh aye oh aye so er yeah if you want to buy it please feel free to buy it I got a screenshot from erm off Louise from my auntie because she goes she got it she got it already no I'm moving on from you now John is that okay our reading goes to her aunties on a friday and her auntie's like prim and proper i don't know her too well but you can well really well spoken i would never like talk about anything other than day-to-day stuff so you won't talk about friday club stories oh absolutely not mrs bouquet kind of stuff yeah yeah yeah very much yes anyway you're the onslaught Brother-in-law.

8:02Who's here again. Matt Chris is here. Who's best on. Our reading's doing something in the kitchen and she's just gone, Daddy's got a big Mickey. I saw it yesterday. So her auntie's message is always saying, what's a Mickey? So she's like to say, Nose. No, I'd have gone nose.

8:31play it safe daddy's got a big mickey I know it has love I can see it so did she translate I think she just kind of moved the conversation on just ignored it and laughed but she she knew fine well what the mickey was with the erm what's a mickey she's not she's not quite she's too young to realise sizes at the minute I've seen that mickey and describe it as big not to the naked eye on the flaccid thanks for that thanks for a product review I tell you what will be fantastic when we crop this up and send it to Eden's auntie you know when she's been on the show I tell you what I'm having to stop her listening you didn't bother not in bother but making love last Sunday in London probably a minute in and she just went is it in yet?

9:35I'm like oh for fuck's sake because she did yeah obviously she knew it was she knew well full well it was in but she was like I cannot fucking believe you just said that so yeah she's banned from listening are people telling her that? or does she listen herself? if there's a good bit I'll let her not let her listen I'll put it on oh look at this if I think there's a good bit that'll make her laugh if you've joked yeah and people have laughed hey listen to this she got you dirty cow from one of her workmates who listens you know for the act trick you're a monkey bugger you aren't you hey three in the three days by the way not only say I think it eases off when you're late for your train but also eases off when you do a dive off a stage into a crowd of people at a live show or something like that and you're letting your hips around you your neck that's alright isn't it then it's better now oh is it we're back to fighting fitness it could have quite easily been a broken neck job like that because you were so close to going full circle full flip wasn't it your legs came up probably past 12 o 'clock the sciatic nerve was alright though yeah oh yeah it was sound thanks to the to the few on the front row I mean they give me the signal but there weren't enough of them I've saw you giving it I've had the thumbs up and then they braced but I think I might have overshot yeah you just disappeared yeah you could have quite easily been in hospital what are your thoughts about correcting a child that's lied about something that you've done your own child No, somebody else's child.

11:26Oh, it's very, very murky water. So I went with Juno to the climbing wall near me. Thyatine nerve, fine. Had the wall to that sound. Been fine for two weeks, but we'll keep going. Went to the climbing wall. So I've gone up the wall. I'm probably three quarters of the way up, like 12, 14 foot in her. And a young kid comes and starts climbing on the wall below me. So I look down and think, so I stop, because he's climbing up next to me. The owner comes out from behind his desk and says, oh, excuse me, there's somebody up there, come back, come back. And his dad come out at the same time saying, yeah, Timmy, come back, whatever his name was.

12:11And the kid comes down and goes, oh, well, I was on first, he went above me. I thought, you cheeky bastard. So then I'm up there looking like there's a kid gone up and I've climbed above him. Oh, so it looks as though you've Spider-Manned up and gone past him just because he's a young pup. Yeah. So I come down, but then what do you do? Do I call out the integrity of an eight-year-old boy? What was the parents' response? To be fair, he was... Did you ever watch Outnumbered? That lad with a curly hair reminded me of him, you know, like everywhere. Maybe a bit of ADHD or something. Yeah. So I like to think that the dad probably knew, but I still felt like do I call him out and go no he didn't I think you might have to wait till the young lad is scooted off and go to be fair mate I were up there already just the head's up I think the owner knew I'm not calling your son a liar but he's a lying little fucker what did you do?

13:16I didn't do anything took the blame yeah my fault whizzed past him fell on my sword I just let it I just let it go I have said this before but there was a young one took you know the magic hammer thing when mushrooms pop up and you whack them down some young ones just took it off our otis and I lost my head did you hit him with it nah there was no violence but I was straight over it was only after when I was like I'm gone then I think I did snatch it off him did you yeah because his mum the fella's mum came over well, the dads and uncles were sat on the table as well, I thought, but she came running over and apologised.

13:53Because he just, it was mid-game as well, quid cost us. Oh, that's the issue. And he took it out of his pocket. So I was like, out to the mam, give us the quid. It's a tough one, isn't it? Because even if you go up to the dad, it's a bit busy, isn't it? Yeah. Like, it doesn't matter, does it? Excuse me. Just for the record, I was on there first. I'd like to place on record. Yeah. Am I getting to bother for this putt? Oh, I like these. No, it's not sex related. Louise's sister got herself into a bit of a pickle a couple of weeks ago. Go on. She's quite naive, Katie. Right. In what way? Just a lot of things.

14:38Blase. Blase attitude towards. Right, yeah. Which is a good thing, I think, sometimes. Yeah. Just crack on with your own. Yeah, I'm quite envious of people like that sometimes. Yeah. But this assumption's come back to bite her on the arse, basically. And she's drove past her. It was either next door or next door but one. And the blinds have been down. So she's come to the conclusion that he's dead, the neighbour. You're not watching telly at sons. Well, to the point where the gardeners knocked on our sister's door, front door, and said, oh, have you seen, I don't know his name, have you seen so-and-so?

15:14Is he an older gentleman? Yeah, he's an older fella. Have you seen so-and-so? Oh, have you not heard? He's died. Fuck off! Right? She's convinced herself. He was like, yeah, he wasn't in last week, and I was a little bit worried about him. She went, yeah, yeah, he's dead. Oh, well, the window cleaner was asking as well. So I'll pass that on. He was a lovely fella, wasn't he? The next day, she sends Louise a message saying, I've just seen so-and-so alive and kicking, looking healthier than ever. So she's basically announced this death of the neighbour. So gardeners stopped going right, window cleaners put him off his round.

15:58There's a eulogy in paper. He's probably just having to lie in or something. How long have the curtains been down for? She's probably drove past two or three times and they've been down every time, so the natural assumption is that he's dead. I mean you can assume that but to declare it it's a bold move you know to put a reef outside is going a bit too far but then the gardener's obviously going to mess have you heard about yeah he was 70 quid down Swanee I did I did his Petunias last week gardener's like oh where do I send this invoice but imagine the shock when the gardener sees him thinking he's going crazy No, you're dead You're dead What's the coach you call?

16:47Katie Katie at number 12 says you're dead When he catches him right back of his house empty and shed It's a terror I didn't think you'd mind me A bit of looting Oh shit These were alright I'll take these in me Nobody will know she had these I mean, there's not many rumours that you wouldn't want to spread about yourself, is there? Worse rumours dead yeah would you rather be a nonce oh yeah I'd rather be I'd rather be dead than a nonce oh fucking hell yeah yeah wouldn't you yeah would you rather be dead or an animal interferer I think I'd rather I think I'd rather go yeah it's a cross dresser it's very easy to prove that you're still alive not so much that you're a nonce dead's a bad one yeah but you just turn up and you're like oh it was a lie where I think I'm going non-sticks and it's difficult to prove do you know I'm probably thinking maybe two weeks before I'm thinking he's dead you know like he's been on holiday yeah but realistically how often do you see your neighbour it's rare that I see my neighbours I don't know about you I see mine there's every chance you go a couple of weeks without seeing them but the last thing you presume holiday yeah a bit for a start Yeah.

18:13The blinds are down. Gone away. Dead. Just having a nap down stairs. When she went, he looks fresher than ever. I mean, I'm guilty of that. You know, when somebody's made someone up for a laugh, but then eventually over time it becomes the truth. Yeah. But, I mean, two days with blinds down, I think she's been hasty with the Clooney's death. I mean, before you start spreading, I think you've got to go with open letterbox, and if you see flies... Yeah, Frank! half a chance. The thing is, would you address that you've wrongly announced somebody's death? Would you go, hey, I'm sorry. We'll call him Trevor.

18:50Well, that's the thing. I've told your gardener that you've passed. I'm really, like... It's quite embarrassing, though, isn't it? Because Frank's going to go, why? Yeah. Your blinds were short. Yeah, two weeks. Is Frank going to... But then again, the rumour mill starts again then because is Frank now going to be told that, oh, Sarah said you were dead. And then he's like, she said I'm dead. And then he's going to be looking. He's probably going to be pissed off, isn't he? Yeah. What's she said I'm dead for? I'll have to find out what happened. I'm not lending him no sugar. Does that happen anymore?

19:33What, borrowing sugar? Yeah. Has any of your neighbours ever come round to borrow it? No, I don't think sugar. I went over to my neighbours to borrow a bike pump the other day. yeah and that was that's what did you put the blow up doll up

19:50rose rose rose were in all day so he thought she's died well she's been away uh first time in a long time i've asked two holes maybe oh i lent it actually it's happened quite a lot recently i lent a drill to someone the other day i'll tell you what's a good borrow if you haven't got one the jet hose my neighbour's got one of them I've got one but it's not the best I haven't looked after it very well so you've ruined his you've ruined yours no I haven't ruined it, it was just a buy cheap buy twice are you not a bit embarrassed asking how many times have you borrowed it I think just the once yeah because I think once you get on to number three that's when he starts going buy your own you prick.

20:33What, have you, have you used me, the lawnmower yet? How long is your grass? It's not actually too bad. Thinking about that, I didn't even want the lawnmower. You know when you get bullied into getting some of that? Can you remember the story? How much was it? 180 quid or some of that? I remember thinking, I don't even need a lawnmower, but he's like, I'm bringing the lawnmower today. So I bought a lawnmower off internet and I must have put quantity two. So I've got two lawnmowers. so I said did you need a lawnmower and he went yeah probably no it worked it worked keen it worked like oh fucking yes if I'm being honest I thought it was a hand-me-down gimme I thought it was a gimme right did you want paying for it 180 quid honest yeah I'll fucking fetch it I'll fetch it to yours what he's thinking is I can't be arsed to send I can't be arsed to send it I can't be arsed to send it I'll just tell yeah Brownie's buying it I'll sell it I'll sell it to an idiot it's still in the box oh by the way the wedding singer's not happy with you why?

21:35what the fuck John? mountain out of a molehill John eh? well this is in relation to the wedding singer last week yeah by the way I'm going a bit David here you all think the same I'm taking the can you all think the same she did well keep everybody safe and well made the national not to hiccup national press there you go it was a big news John I hope you're happy with yourself important sheep you've seen you didn't make a mountain of a molehill when that goal against Leeds United got called offside when you were playing for Hull in 2006 just done a bit of research some may say your reaction was rather over dramatic but what do I know I only know the reference because it was once used in a compilation on Soccer M showcasing footballers drama queen moments funny eh oh I didn't even know that was a thing she's coming with receipts as I said in the email I was thanked by the venue manager for helping to control the situation people were already screaming and panicking before I did my announcement down the microphone and I challenge anyone to remain calm when you hear blasting loud gunshots 30 yards from an open window that you've got your back to yeah I'm with her there my mates and family thought I did the right thing in safeguarding the guests and de-escalating in panic.

22:58Family's going around the area and here, oh love. We don't want old Aunty Doris running outside to try and escape and taking a shell full of shotgun shrapnel in our arse, do we? Could have quite easily happened. Yep. Don't worry lads, you'd never lose me as a kosher, ever. I bloody love these podcasts and I don't go a car journey or commute to a gig without one. Additionally, Parky, she's gone in again, aren't you? She is aggrieved. I've still got a few dates open this summer, so if you wanted me or my band for your wedding I'll do you a good deal. Oh? It's lovely off of having a shoot. And unlike the shotgun sheep couple I'll actually invoice you.

23:39I'll do the gig at an even more reduced rate if you let us all in the band where Scunthorpe United my hometown's football shirts. You were only on loan to the Iron with only 14 appearances but we've still somehow got your wonky toothed mug on the wall of one of our loungers. she's nasty she's a nasty piece of work at the Atlas Arena formerly known as Glanford Park fear not you've not heard the last of horror stories from me look forward to your announcing your next tour of live shows carry on the great work right so where am I gonna go so she can't we've already booked for the for the wedding but thank you very much for the offer what about early doers you you know, just setting the mood.

24:22Mm-hmm. I hope he's going to do fucking it all. How much his bastard costing me. That's him. That's his revenge for the lawnmower. I've got you a singer. Yeah, sound. Yeah, sound. I'll phone him up. Brownie says you're good at it. Yeah, sound. So I've gone through the whole conversation. Yeah, I'll book that date. Yeah, sound. He went, just, do you know how much it is? I was like, no, he's not said. He says, he sat down. I was like oh yeah so he told me I was like under my breath fuck it Jesus but I'd already committed yeah yeah book it in mate book it in just like oh the deposit was more than what I wanted to fucking pay couldn't best be good yeah so thanks for your offer but I've already got somebody but I probably would have had you I don't know if you'd have emailed in before I booked that bastard he had a finder's fee as well yeah I'm getting a kickback his finder's fee he's four figures on the others what else were they in there the overreaction to the goal overreaction to the goal and wonky tooth to be fair at the time for the overreaction for the goal it was nil-nil at the time and we needed three points to guarantee our championship status so that's why I might have overreacted it was obviously a big game big moment I don't think that's yeah so are you with me on this one yeah you still with her yeah yeah the reason my mug might still be up at Scunthorpe is might have only made 14 appearances but I did join the club when they were second bottom and scored a few goals which did help Scunthorpe's League 1 status so basically I kept them up so that's why they might keep my mug wonky tooth mug wonky tooth yeah The wonky two mug on the wall.

26:21So that's the reason for that. Is that, oh, hell, your family's gonna say you've done well, haven't they? Eh? I think she's probably saved some of them older lives. I wouldn't say a lot, but there definitely would have been some PTSD that she's avoided. Well, I'll tell you what then, right? We'll put her to King's Honours, see if she can get an MBE for her services to terrorism. Yeah, but there's an article in the papers and that. yeah it must have been bad a lot of sheep in it yeah so if i offended you i'm really sorry uh i wish i didn't mean terribly joking you've done incredible oh the traffic light kosher got sent the picture and i did bend the truth you can see the um there's a it was a red light was it but it's still i've still wound my window down and give up one of them in the picture.

27:16By the way, can I play the voice note that Katie sent Louise? Well, have you got it? Yeah, Louise forwarded us at. Louise just got this two o 'clock at work. Guys, I've got something really horrific to tell you, something really mortifyingly embarrassing. So, you know how my neighbour died and I got a knife? we found out he died and then basically one of the people who used to do his cleanest oh do his garden came round knocked on his door and then came knocked on our door and said to me like do you know where if Wally's gone away or whatever and I said oh no he died he was like oh you're joking he said I've been doing his I've been doing his garden for years and stuff so I was like oh I'm really sorry anyway he's like oh I'll have to tell, did he say that he's window cleaner and blah blah blah, it's like he's a proper nice man and oh I'm sorry to hear that and blah blah blah and I was like yeah I didn't really know him we've only just moved in sort of thing like not very long ago and then his children kept coming round and you know sorting the house and stuff I've just seen him stood outside his door I've basically appointed myself as the spokesperson of Whitefield telling people he's dead and he's not no the spokesperson of Whitefield I like the way she's I tell you what you know he's dead you know his blinds are down so you know when at the start of that she's still gone with do you know how he's dead yeah like no do you know how I thought he was dead do you know how he's dead yeah we've been told he's dead have you the thing is she says that his kids have been coming So in her head as well, that's playing into the narrative.

29:07It is. They're clearing out, aren't they? They're clearing out all his stuff. So you've just surmised he's dead. He's not dead. You've just thought he is. Put two and two together and... Wally! He's the best game of words Wally ever, isn't he? It's just in front room.

29:27No, that is legendary. Do you know when she said that voice note? it's almost as if he's still dead at that point at the start of the voice note he's still dead do you know he died? no well he didn't I've just seen him do you think she'll want to talk to Wally now and maybe spend a bit of time engage with him just because she thought he was dead she thought she'd lost him lost him she lost Wally an integral part of the community she's not spoke to him in 18 months I've only just moved in it was definitely 18 months or two years I'm sure I saw him push a note through the door probably for the kids like sorry your dad's dead let me know when the funeral is or something that's the way they're Gardner the way they're Gardner condolences he might have put condolences he might have gone with I take it you don't need me anymore here's your final bill she's really set a ball rolling here and she's like like you said he might have been he might have put a condolences note through told well the street you know if he's doing a job and he gets speaking to a client or whatever he's gonna say oh number 73 yeah if you tell the wind they're cleaning you're pretty much telling the street aren't you he's gonna tell everybody what about uh wally at 38 of course he's called wally gone i reckon he's just got a new vpn Do you think he's just Curtain shot Oh Wally Wally's been playing with a brolly

31:12This episode is brought to you by Ferrero Soccer's biggest stage is approaching And Ferrero is making it easy to go all in Pick any two Ferrero brands From Kinder Bueno to Ferrero Rocher And you could win the$1 million grand prize plus an exciting range of daily and weekly prizes. Don't miss your shot. Official rules apply. Learn more at GoAllIn and win.com. Hey, Mama. Thanks for making all my favorite recipes. Hi, Ma. Thanks for your unfiltered advice. Hi, Mom. Thanks for always being by the phone. Hey, Mom. Happy Mother's Day. When you ship UPS Air at the UPS Store, your items arrive on time or your money back.

31:54Guaranteed at no extra cost. exclusively at the UPS Store US retail locations. Visit the upsstore.com slash airshipping for full details. Terms and conditions apply. Send your Mother's Day gifts at the UPS Store and we'll get your gratitude there on time. Jimmy and David here are having a sticky five, aren't they? Mmm. Yeah. David, David, David. To be fair, whatever he's saying, right? Right, be careful now. Right, whatever he's saying, whether you think it's right or wrong, I like the fact that he said it and he's not backtracking I didn't mean it like that I said this and it got misconstrued, that's what I said that's what I think what did he say?

32:37Ugly Duckling he's going on about Ugly Duckling Syndrome and if we're all honest right we've all said something along the lines of she's fit but she knows it or she's fit but she's dull as dishwater but the way he said it He's delivery, David. Come on. Never mind, he's in a can full of women. He sat there and he's fucking bandana. Well, I think... Jesus, man. I'll say that I think that society's impressions of people is influenced by how attractive somebody is. And I think you could have two people with the same personality, be that allowed bubbly personality and if they're not as attractive and i think this is men and women they'll take to that person differently like if somebody's really attractive and they've got this big personality you might go she's a bit of a dick whereby she's not as attractive you you might think yeah she's she's good crack she's good cracker and by the way it goes for men as well oh yeah this isn't a sexist thing and i know friends who've gone i went on a date with so and and he was so handsome, but dull as dishwater.

33:51Yeah. Wet as fuck. Yeah. And you're like, so basically she's saying exactly the same thing, but he's relying on his look. He doesn't need to have a personality. Then you also get the big cuddly ones. Yeah. Who... Am I getting ugly duckling off of you or what? Fuck you, David A. You bastard. Duckling. fucking Canadian swan Canadian goose we like catching them swans then I've been caught many many things in my life that's the first time I've ever gone for the ugly duckling so yeah women must think the same as well he's so fit but he's dull as dishwater men are the same you know some people that are, or you've just spoken to some people that are handsome, good-looking fuckers, but by God, they know that they are and think that they don't have to rely on anything else.

34:55I heard a noise from my left shoulder there, and I think he's insinuating that to me. I can't be sure, but yeah. And half of them aren't even that attractive. No, but... You know somebody who thinks they're attractive? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but I think... Do you know when you get somebody who's really attractive and good crack, that's when you get married to them and that, isn't it? Yeah. You've got both. Because people, obviously, you don't get married thinking, oh, she's a four. Yeah, so it's in the... Nobody marries a four. It's what you... Again, that's what people were saying to David.