HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn

0:00Hey there, Wait Wait listeners. It's Peter. We have a new episode of How To Do Everything. hosted by our very own Mike Danforth and Ian Chillog. Today, Mike and Ian recruit some of the biggest names in literature to help a listener with the perfect Christmas present for his wife. Oh, the things we do for love. If you like what you hear on that show, make sure to follow them at their very own feed. But in the meantime, enjoy the latest How to Do Everything. It's December, and it's cold, which leads to the question, how do you stay warm? Burn something. Ed Eyestone just coached the BYU cross-country team to a national championship in freezing cold temperatures, and he has a tip.

0:41Yeah, we have a little bit of a hack. Prior to the start of the race, there's that five minutes where you will strip down, take those sweats off, and you're just standing there shivering in your short shorts and your singlet. So the little hack that we found, and it's very old school, our trainers and coaches will just coat the runner's arms, expose shoulders and legs with a thin little layer of olive oil. And that tends to give them a little buffer from the cold. And particularly if it's a windy day and if the temperatures are freezing, it just kind of bridges that gap until the gun finally sounds and then they are on their way.

1:21And is this like a special sports performance olive oil or is this just go to the grocery store? Yeah. No, it's just whatever's on sale that day, that particular day or whatever our trainer comes back with. And it's interesting, though, because I've been contacted from an olive oil company out of New York. I won't give you the brand name because we haven't inked the deal yet, but they want to be our sponsors. So, yeah, it's kind of funny. If I were to go back and watch this race, the footage, would I say, you know what? BYU looks shinier than all the other runners on the start line. Well, I don't know that that would have been that dramatic.

2:09I think more than anything, it's interesting because I've got a couple of mechanical engineering majors in my program that actually ran. And one was in particular, they said because of the viscosity of the oil, it can kind of trap a thin layer of air between your skin and the oil itself. So it's kind of multiple layers there. And that provides some insulation from the convection that you would normally have from the cold air. Wait, so Ed, did any of the other teams that were competing say anything? Did they notice and react? No, and I don't think it's really that unique. I think the older coaches had probably seen it done before, and many of them, if they were runners in a previous life, had actually experienced it.

2:54I was a runner before going into this coaching gig, and I actually won the NCAA championship back in 1984, so I think that was a 40-year anniversary. The race was in Penn State, and we had little snow flurries that morning, and my coach had me don the olive oil, and I crossed the finish line smelling like a plate of spaghetti or whatever. Stay greasy, Ed. All right.

3:24Hey, Charlie. What can we help you with? Yeah, so my wife is really good at telling bedtime stories to my boys. Well, just out of nowhere, she'll just kind of make a story and they'll give her really good ideas. And I've tried. I just can't land it. Okay. I am trying to figure out how to kind of write an ending to a bedtime story that I want to give my wife for Christmas. I've got the story idea that I wrote with my boys, but I do not know how to end it. And every time that they try to help me, it always ends in just like little boy humor about ghosts or ninjas or zombies or farts. and I'm hoping to get a good ending, a solid ending that means something.

4:12Yeah, but Ninja farts on a zombie. That's not the ending you're looking for. That is literally one of the endings. Is it? My voice made up for this book.

4:25Can you give us a synopsis of what you do have, I guess, of the first couple of acts? Sure. It's Bella the Umbrella. and she's a happy umbrella who loves being outside and loves stormy skies and rainy days, but then her family doesn't like the rain. So they go on a vacation and then that's where it kind of diverges. In one version, they go on a vacation to the desert and then she gets lost and then zombies attack. That's what the boys made up. With that setup, the zombies, it really is deus ex machina. It's a real twist. That's true. Okay, so Bella, she's an umbrella. She likes the rain. Her family doesn't.

5:09They go on vacation. And is her family also umbrellas, or is it a human family she lives with? Great question. So when I'm writing it out, it's literally just an umbrella with a human family, but you don't see the humans. Oh. I don't think the humans know. I clearly have not thought that through. Well, no, our job, Charlie, is not to poke holes in the story. Our job is to help you land the plane. And we're here to do that. Yeah. Okay, I think, Charlie, I think we can help you. What we're going to do here is we're going to go to two of the best-selling authors of all time. First up, a writer who's written some incredible endings, incredible twists, Gillian Flynn.

5:56Gillian is the author of Gone Girl, Sharp Objects, Dark Places. So Gillian, you have the story. You've got this umbrella, this family that doesn't want to go outside. Where does this take you? Okay. They don't like going outside as like they're agoraphobic or they just don't like... Yeah, I don't know if it's a pathology, but they definitely... Just a preference. Gella wants to be outside. They don't. Just wanted to check for plot purposes. And he sort of doesn't know where to begin. Do you begin with an ending or do you begin with something, you know? Where does it start for you? I never, ever begin with an ending.

6:34I never know what the ending's going to be. And personally, I think that's the best way to write. So I think he's on to something right there. I think you start with who your character is. Like, you know, I write character-based books that happen to be mysteries, but I think the initial conflict is beautiful and it's there, which is Bella, an umbrella, obviously needs to get outside. I mean, that's only to her nature. It's almost cruel to keep an umbrella inside for too long. When you put it that way, it's sort of, it's almost as if Bella is a prisoner in this home. And there's something dark about this family, actually.

7:16It is dark. It's like, you know, telling a captain he can't go to sea. I'm sorry, I get seasick. You've got to stay home. But I'm a captain. But no, stay here. So we're moving this from like a children's story. Now it's maybe become a young adult novel. Maybe, maybe might be. Yeah. I think I would, you know, go with your idea of she's being sort of kept prisoner. And here's this family resisting and actually rejecting who she is innately. I mean, that's a horrifying thing that you're trapped with people who really dislike who you are inherently as a umbrella. And sorry, I'm from Kansas City. I say umbrella.

8:07Umbrella. Yeah, you really do. Umbrella. And, you know, does Bella, you know, what do you think? Does Bella start getting a little angry? is she's got that pointy end that most umbrellas do. I mean, I don't want to end with something too dark, but she could really hold them by umbrella point and force them to take her outside. Also, I'm sure Bella is aware that opening an umbrella inside is terrible luck for the humans. I love that. She could curse them by just opening herself. Oh, they have a series of really unlucky and unfortunate events, and they can't figure out why it is. And then suddenly they realize they see this umbrella that they've previously neglected in the corner mysteriously opened.

9:03I love that. That's fun. Not entirely holiday spirit. No, I feel like we've lost it completely at this point. Oh, I like it, though. I mean, I really do like the idea of her hopping up the stairs one night, her unsuspecting family, flapping umbrella arms. She's like a furious bat. And she just takes them by, points them, you know, right at the throat, her little pointed umbrella and says, take me out of here. You're getting me out of here. And out they go. And then, you know, then maybe they get outside and they sort of see the rain. And if you want a hopeful moment, there's kind of like, well, thank you, Bella.

9:51You know, you did use force, but ultimately I'm less scared of rain. So I learned my lesson. But also you can't have a rainbow without rain. So maybe there's a happy ending that happens where there's a rainbow. They've never seen a rainbow because they've never gone out. Yes. They've never gone out. I do like that. I do like that. And she's like, you know, that goes maybe back if we want them agoraphobic again. I think umbrellas are like women in erotic thrillers. They're both beautiful and scary at the same time. Remember that, Charlie. Okay, now we're going to move on to our next best-selling author, James Patterson.

10:41Oh, my God, it's National Public Radio. Is this James Patterson? Am I being punked? His new book is The House of Cross. It's out now. You're going to give me the prompt or did I just rock and roll? I'll bring you in. Yeah. Okay. James Patterson, you heard what Charlie has. You heard the beginning. And we understand you have taken this on and written him some endings. Can you walk us through them? Well, they just came through. I have this prolific or prodigious imagination or whatever the heck it is. I call it a sickness. So, number one, I want to go with Charlie's kids' ideas. I know he wasn't keen on, but this is called Bella and the Farting Ninjas.

11:17Okay. Perfect. Okay. Bella is on a boat from Japan. She's with her person, and she calls her person her hold me. Okay. And they meet the farting ninjas on board. Bella thinks they're vulgar, uncivilized, juvenile, and stinky, of course. Months later, she's very lonely in New York. She's being kept in an umbrella stand more than she'd like to. and one day her hold me pulls her out of the stand and outside a New York cop has turned on a fire hydrant in the street. What's this? The farting ninjas are dancing in the hydrant spray. It looks like stinky fun. Bella and her hold me join them. Bella dances with the farting ninjas.

11:59Maybe they become briefly hold me's for her. Life is good, but stinky. Okay. Number two. Hold on. That's fantastic. What a beautiful story. We're going to keep going. This takes place in Brooklyn, number two. Heavy accents, Bella the Umbrella, and Bella's purse and her hold me in this one is Luca. So we got Bella the Umbrella and Luca. And Luca's grumpy and gloomy because it's a rainy day, and they walk the gloomy streets of Brooklyn until they end up in Coney Island, and they see hundreds of kids there, and all the kids, the hold me's, have umbrellas, and they all dance and sing in the rain on the beach at Coney Island.

12:38So that's number two in Brooklyn. Or number three, 100%. Bella's hold me dies. A sweet old lady, beautiful death. Her time was up. Bella goes to the funeral. She goes with her new hold me, the old lady's granddaughter. She's already liking this hold me so, so much. Life goes on. Until, of course, Bella's canopy or metal ribs start to break down, but we won't go into that. The fourth one, and this is the one I would do as the feature movie. It's a beautiful, rainy day. Bella couldn't be happier. This is heaven for her. Cars and trucks are coming by and splashing Bella and her hold me. Her hold me is not as happy about this as Bella.

13:18Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a heartbreaker for Bella. The sun is coming out. Blue skies. Sun. Bella doesn't know what to do. But her hold me heads to the beach. What's this? Suddenly, Bella has a new purpose. She's what comes between her hold me and the damaging rays of the sun. Beautiful, Bella. Just beautiful. Now, I'm skipping a few. I'm skipping Bella and the blizzard, Bella and the tsunami, and Bella and the Deadpool episode. But there's so many ways to take this story. Wow. That's incredible, James. All right. That's what we do. That's what we do here in the little workshop. My goodness.

13:59I understand how you have written more than 200 novels. Yeah, I could write another hundred about Bella. We could probably do this about Bella. Every week we could come on and tell another Bella story. You think we have a series here? Yeah, Deadpool. I want to do that one. The tsunami. Big one. Blizzard. Big. Unexpected. So maybe we should... Well, Charlie now has so many rich ideas. All right. Well, good for Charlie. Would you ever... Like, you've worked with some incredible people. You've co-authored books with Dolly Parton and Bill Clinton. You're working on one with Viola Davis? Yeah, which is great.

14:37I love working with her. How does that process work? Just like this. I just do all the work, and they take credit on the cover. No. It varies with whoever I'm writing with. Do you ever work with—so, like, Charlie is working on this book. I'm not going to work with Charlie, no. With all due respect. Well, James, thank you so much for helping out. Yeah, thank you. Charlie, this is great. Okay, we look, yeah, Charlie, good luck, and keep coming up with those wonderful ideas. And, yeah, Stella the umbrella is her sister. Okay, be good. If you would like us to answer your question, send it to us at our email address, which is howto at npr.org.

15:24That's where we get email from you when you write in to howto at npr.org. And we should say we are coming up hurtling towards the end of this season of How to Do Everything. Just two episodes after this one. Two episodes left. So if you have a pressing problem, now is the time to get it to us. We will be back for season two. But if your question is urgent, get it to us quickly. Get it to us now. And we can maybe, if, boof, I think we can probably, we'll do our best. Your welfare between our seasons, between seasons of this show, is not our responsibility. As much as we would like it to be. Once again, that email is howto at npr.org.

16:23We're still in the midst of our You Guys Fast. We're attempting to eliminate you guys and hey guys from our vocabularies. All of us here at HowTo have been failing. Well, we've had mixed results. But I think we've each at least had one failure in front of the others, which has been humiliating. And we've gotten several emails from you out there. And here's Alyssa. Alyssa called in with a different take on this whole concept. My thoughts on the you guys fast, I appreciate the good intentions of you guys fast to be more inclusive. But my feeling is that the unintended potential consequences of it may be worse.

17:07By eliminating you guys from our vocabulary, we reinforce the notion that only male persons can be guys, which could lead to an increase in the use of the traditionally used female equivalent term girls to refer to adult women. In my view, any reference of adult women as girls is far more harmful and offensive than being included in you guys. Moving you guys to a more gender-inclusive term may be more helpful. It's a really interesting point. And we sort of neutralize it by using it more. Yeah, exactly. Is that the solution to this? We kind of hinted at it in the last episode that maybe what we do is we go on a You Guys Fast for 30 days or for a month, and then we follow that up with a You Guys Rampage.

17:59Maybe. Maybe that's the solution and see what works better. Yeah. Yeah. Jeff called in with a tip to help eliminate You Guys from your vocabulary. Yeah. So I use the text replacement feature on my iPhone, which lets you type in, you know, whatever word or phrase, and then it just auto-corrects into whatever you want it to be. So yeah, I have guys in there and I have it auto-correct to folks. Oh man, that's great. How long have you had this set up like this? Probably about three years or so. And how often do you think it auto-corrects for you? Well, it's less and less because the other great thing is that it's kind of like a gentle reminder.

18:43Anytime I do it, it's like having someone kind of following you around, reminding you. Yeah. Has it ever caused problems? Have you ever written something where you needed it to say guys? Yes, all of the time. Right. Yeah, so like, you know, like proper names of things is challenging like the five guys. I don't know if you have those. Oh, yeah.

19:10I love a five folks burger, personally. I remember, Ian, do you remember when I changed your autocorrect on your phone? So that this is a true story, Jeff. Years ago, we learned that you could do this. And Ian would sign his emails. I feel like I'm revealing too much. Ian would sign emails. He would just say, hugs, Ian. And I went into his phone and I changed it. So every time it said hugs, it would say, I love you, Ian. And did it ever, it happened once, right? Where it almost. In my memory, you didn't change hugs. What was it? You changed whenever I typed Ian. Well, that does it for today's show.

19:57What we learned today, Mike. Well, I learned that next time I have trouble writing something, all I need to do is ask James Patterson. He came ready with like four or five different ideas there. I like the idea that James Patterson could just help you with anything. Well, like a holiday card. Like that's always a tough thing to write. Like that's the kind of thing where I do feel like, yeah, all right, James, you punch this up. Mike, this is boring about your job. Let's have it where you're kidnapped.

20:29How to Do Everything is produced by Hina Shravastava with technical direction from Lorna White. Our intern this week is Suzanne Weiss. Suzanne, look out. There's someone with a plate of very sharp knives behind you. Thanks, Suzanne. Thanks for all your hard work. Get us your questions for this season while you still can at howto at npr.org. That's Ian, and I'm Mike. Thanks.

21:05Thank you.