WWDTM: Vanessa bayer

0:03From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Filling in for Bill Curtis, I'm the voice so deep, you need a lifeguard. Chioki Ianson. And here's your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Tom Papa. Hi, everybody. I'm Tom Papa, filling in for Peter Sagal, because my agent thinks Chicago in February is a great idea. We've got a great show for you today, and we'd like to say a big welcome to the millions of you who tuned in because you thought the Super Bowl was being broadcast on NPR this year. Right now, it's your turn to play the big game.

0:48The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now it's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Tom. This is Edie calling in from Alexandria, Virginia. Oh, hi, Edie. How's it going? Good. What do you like to do down there in Virginia? Well, I work in conservation and climate advocacy, and I like to go birding, spend time outside. Yeah! You know, yeah. Someone just yelled yay for being outside. That's what it's going to be in the future, just humans going, we remember. Now, Edie, let's introduce you to our panel. First, a writer for Clean Slate.

1:36Season one is on Amazon Prime now. Shantira Jackson. Hi, Shantira. Hi. Next, an actor and writer who can be seen in the acclaimed improv show Two Square at the UCB Theater in New York on February 27th, Peter Gross. Hi. Hi, Peter. And a comedian who you can see in her Netflix special Big Guy or on tour, tickets and info at rachel-feinstein.com. Welcome to the panel, Rachel Feinstein. Thank you. Thank you for having me, Tommy. Hi, Rico. Well, welcome to the show, Edie. You're going to play Who's Chiochi This Time? Chiochi Ianson is going to read you three quotes from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize.

2:27Any voice from our show you choose on your voicemail. You ready? Am I ever. Here's your first quote from the Wall Street Journal. This is the dumbest trade war in history. The journal was talking about moves made by the U.S. government to slap what on Canada, Mexico, and China this week? Would those be tariffs? That's right, tariffs. They were supposed to take effect Tuesday, but 11th hour negotiations delayed them, giving hardworking Americans a much needed reprieve from having to figure out what tariffs are. It does feel like, it feels like high school history class. To be talking about tariffs, you're like, I don't, what are those even?

3:14Right, like I'll just skip that one. I know, this is like everything my husband screams about when he's drunk, like every libertarian guy. I'm like, now I have to f***ing understand it. Every time he's drunk, he's like, you don't respect George Washington. I'm like, not really, but he's not the reason you can't drive right now. If you're confused about how a 25 % tariff on goods from Canada and Mexico might affect you, just think about it like this. Do you like eating food? Well, that's going to be way more expensive now. It is amazing, though, that the Wall Street Journal is the one that's calling them out because they're saying that it's a dumb idea, then it might actually be a dumb idea.

3:54Yeah, I know. I always feel like when I see the Wall Street Journal in a lobby or something, I pick it up and I feel like, oh yeah, I know money. I feel like I pick it up and the paper goes, please put me down. Now I'm going to have to learn more outlander words. I'm just so annoyed about that. I feel like tariff just sounds like something you have to give a troll to cross a bridge or something. Grocery prices have gone up already, but don't worry. Despite the high price of eggs, Trump has promised all Americans will still be able to die of bird flu. So reassuring. Did he lose the negotiation though?

4:32Like he wanted tariffs with Canada and Mexico. Right. And then he backed down pretty quick. So it doesn't seem like a win or a good deal. Well, it depends what channel you watch. Yeah, sure does. Depends how hot the reporter is talking about it. I was watching Fox and they're like, he did it. They backed down. He gave him everything he wanted and then I went over to CNN and they're like, they said they're going to put 10 ,000 troops on the border which they already have. I feel like if the newscaster looks like she would give you bottle service in Tampa, then you can't always trust the news.

5:11Alright, here's your next quote. I'm stuck there for half an hour watching stuff before it actually starts. That was someone responding to a new law proposed by a Connecticut state senator to force movie theaters to tell us what. Ooh, when to arrive, how early to get there? Because? We have to watch the ad? Very good. When a movie starts. When it exactly starts. America needs a hero right now and now we have one Senator Martin Looney of Connecticut wants to require theaters to tell us exactly what time the movie actually starts so we don't have to sit through half an hour of ads and previews

6:00His last name is Looney? I know Martin Looney just seems like a pretend name. It's like a wacky 80's movie of a guy that owns a toy store It also could be like a character from a Marx Brothers movie. Right? Like, there's no way any of it. Hi, President Martin Looney. Come over here. Meet Tim Quackers. He's my Secretary of State. Well, we've all been there. The showtime's at 7, so you get there at 640. But then traffic is light, so you end up in the theater while they're still playing commercials for the company that runs the commercials. It's getting way too long. And here's the crazy part. when Martin Luther King Jr.

6:36said the arc of the moral universe is long but bends toward justice, this is what he was talking about. Yeah. This is our Black History Month joke. And you know what? You know what? I laughed a little bit.

6:57Yes. On one hand, I was thinking like, this maybe shouldn't be what the congressmen are working on right now. Like I was like, is this what they should be? It's the only thing they can do. That's true. It's like, oh, how can we get the people happy about one thing? I appreciate that padding because it's just like 30 minutes. I don't have to feel ashamed for being on my phone, you know, like out of the day. And also I feel like the person that wants to like they want that extra 30 minutes. Like, I don't know. I feel like they're just like maybe in a happier marriage or something. Like I just, I love 30 minutes in the dark is all I want at the end of the day.

7:36Yeah. All right, Edie, here's your last quote. She would have been really slow. That was a researcher talking about a new finding that the ancient human ancestor Lucy could do what? Can I have a hint, please? Sure. Her remains were found wearing a pair of Nikes. So she could run slowly? Yes, run. Good job. Using advanced computer modeling, researchers now believe the early hominid Lucy was capable of running. And this is true. While she couldn't run far, she also couldn't run fast. Is it running, then? Also, we don't know what was going on in her life. Well, is she the first? We don't know how fast fast was back then.

8:33She might have been the fast. She's the only person we know running. If you're the only one running, you are the fastest. That's true. There might have been. That's true. Just by process of elimination. Yeah. She came in first and last. And last. She came in first. There was probably a slug, like a prehistoric slug that was like, oh my God. You know what? It's always people who don't do sports, who are talking trash about people who do sports. You're in a lab, and that girl can run, okay? Can you imagine falling out of a tree and dying, and then 3.2 million years later, they put your bones together to prove you were slow as hell?

9:11It's so unnecessary. I know, it feels really... Yeah, what's the next article going to be? Like, yeah, and she couldn't read either.

9:23Chioki, how did Edie do? Well, I hope she chooses the right voice on her voicemail because she got all three right. There you go, Edie. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for playing. Bye. Take care. Bye, Edie. Right now, panel, it's time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Rachel, this week a proposal at a restaurant in China went awry when the woman being proposed to accidentally did what? With a woman, oh, I'm supposed to actually know the answer to this? Yeah, I can give you a hint. Okay, give me a hint. Okay, hiding the ring in dessert is not without risk. Oh, she ate it.

10:07That's right, she ate the ring. Very good. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Good job. In a grand romantic gesture, the man had the restaurant hide a golden engagement ring in the cake that they ordered for dessert. Unfortunately, the woman never got a chance to say yes, yes, because she was too busy saying yum cake. Such a deep pig that she just had to stuff herself first. Here's the thing. It's his fault because the ring had to be too small if she was able to eat it. You're right. There you go. Get her a bigger rock. Not even just, she just ate it? Not a choke, not a spit out. Nothing. She swallowed it? She swallowed it.

10:50They're not getting married. I do feel like we need to know what dish she put in. It was carrot cake, probably. Yeah, a big mealie cake. Oh! Oh, I see what you did. I see what you did. I did too, and I'm going to go now. No, that is just the stupidest possible. Because even if the best version of it ends with her being like, What the hell? Like pulling a ring out of her mouth. It was really awkward afterwards when the guy got down on one knee behind her.

11:28And said, I'm going to have a really important question for you in about six hours.

11:36Just a sliver of control. The rest is out of hand. When a woman's hungry for romance

11:51Coming up, turns out it's actually very easy to be green. Find out why in our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

12:08From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Chioki Ianssen. We're playing this week with Rachel Feinstein, Shantira Jackson, and Peter Gross. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Tom Papa. Thanks, Chioki. Right now, it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on air, or check out the pinned post on our Instagram page at Wait, Wait, NPR. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi there, this is Chris Seymour in Brooklyn, New York. Ah, hello Chris. Yeah, Brooklyn.

12:54Brooklyn. What's going on in Brooklyn these days? How's February in Brooklyn? Well, more snow than you might actually want or slush. But, you know, we're moving along. All right. That's good. You sound like you're really enjoying it. I'm very Brooklyn. I spent some time this afternoon clearing snow from in front of the community garden on an emberus. So that's really Brooklyn. Oh, that's very nice. That's really nice of you. I was doing that, too, before the show. In Chicago. Well, it's nice to have you here, Chris. You're going to play our game in which you must try and tell truth from fiction.

13:28What's the topic, Chyoki? Why is everything green? These days, everybody wants green things. Green witches and wicked. Green money. Greenland.

13:43This week, we heard a story where something new turned green. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth, and you'll win the wait waiter of your choice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play? I guess so. I love your confidence. First up, it's Shantira Jackson. Many folks like to paint the town red, but one woman was truly flabbergasted when everything in her house was suddenly dyed green, including her cat. So like any American seeking good advice, the woman turned to Reddit. She explained that she first noticed her cat's fur taking on a greenish tint before seeing that other items in her home, including her couch, phone charger, and wall, were also changing hues.

14:30She took her cat to the vet, had her AC and water checked, and even went to the doctor herself for answers and got none. She was totally at a loss until one Reddit user asked if the original poster had recently purchased some jeans from Old Navy. Apparently, there is a pair of jeans from Old Navy that are notorious for staining everything green. The woman claimed that neither she nor her husband wore jeans. They were strictly a Slacks family. But something about the comment irked her and made her suspicious of an affair. She looked through her husband's phone and lo and behold, there were, quote, some sexy Instagram DMs from a woman who wears jeans.

15:11He was, in fact, having an affair. Turns out green wasn't the color of jealousy, but rather the color of bargain-priced infidelity.

15:23So that was Cheating Jeans Woman from Shandira Jackson. Your next story of something going green comes from Rachel Feinstein. Oh yeah, this is true. This is a prodigious orchestra in Warsaw, Poland. The renowned musician Gustav Slavin, you guys know his work. He was playing his organ for the St. Paddy's Day Waltz when he all of a sudden noticed that his hands had turned a rather sickly puke-colored green. That's right. His poor mitts had turned green. Basically, what he had was called organ's paw. And that's when your instrument kind of seeps onto your hands. And because he had a green organ, his hands turned green.

16:04And now it's known as a wider affliction called sloven's paw that a lot of musicians have. Basically, it just turns your instrument. Can you just save me somehow? Oh, he founded the Organ's Paw Youth Alliance, which helps young musicians that are also rancid from organs paw. I'm going to go put myself down like a dog now. That is a medical term, going rancid from something. Seemed very convincing. Organ paw from Rachel Feinstein.

16:37Your last story with a greenish hue comes from Peter Gross. The staff at the local CVS in Belmore, New York, panicked when they didn't receive any of their Valentine's Day decorations. No red banners, no paper cupids, no heart-shaped boxes of chocolates for forgetful husbands to buy at 11.45 on February 14th. Corporate must have forgotten about us, said store manager Frank Fusco, so we had to improvise. Fusco and his employees raided their stock room for anything to spruce up the store. All they found was some green M &M tie-in posters left over from Christmas, 10 unopened boxes of pint-scented air fresheners, Hulk merchandise from the 2008 Hulk movie, and they saw a theme developing.

17:15Everything was all green, so they decided to lean in and make the whole store look like a golf course that had a three-way with an avocado and an alligator. Green and Tine's Day was born. Customers really got into the spirit, dressing in as their favorite green pop culture characters. Peter Pan, Kermit, that thing from the Mucinex commercials. One guy dressed as Yoda even proposed to his wife in an Elphaba costume, which everyone agreed was kind of adorable and also very disturbing.

17:45All right. So, Chris, you've got Shantira's story of a cheater leaving behind a green trail of lies, Rachel's story of an organist with a case of organ paw, and from Peter, CBS trying to make Greenentine's Day a thing. Which one is real? I would love to believe in Slavin's paw. It's Slavin's paw, by the way. It is real. Oh, okay. Do you know how many children you're hurting right now? Sorry. I don't believe the CBS story. I think I have to go with the cheating genes and Chantira. Okay.

18:32To find out the correct answer, we spoke to someone who reported on the real story. She posted the pictures on the subreddit of this white cat with like a little green tinge, and someone said this would be a funny way if you found out your husband was having an affair. That was MJ Bradford, a radio announcer at Barry 360, talking about the cheater getting caught green-handed. Congratulations, Chris. You got it right.

19:01Well done. You earned a point for Shantira, and you've won our prize, the voice of your choice, on your voicemail. Thank you so much for playing with us today, Chris. Thank you for having me. Enjoy Brooklyn.

19:19And now, the game we call Not My Job. After being a part of improv groups at Second City and IO and interning for Late Night with Conan O 'Brien, Vanessa Baer joined the cast of Saturday Night Live in 2010 and stayed with the show for seven years. She's now celebrating SNL's 50th anniversary, but we swear it doesn't look a day over 45. Vanessa Baer, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

19:52So nice to see you. Thank you for being here. Oh my God. Thank you so much. I'm a huge fan. We all are. It's so nice to actually get to talk to you. When you look at your body of work, you have this great ability of being so sweet and likable. And then you kind of have this subversive kind of cutting comedy. I guess my first question in real life are you as sweet as you look oh i i mean you could ask rachel and pete to an extent uh i think i am sweet but i do love to gossip yes yes that's such a good that's such a good that's a very honest and accurate description yeah she's very lovely and warm but she'll get into it yeah vanessa has never clutched pearls around me once

20:48It seems that your whole family has a really great sense of humor when I've heard you talk about your family and especially, uh, they were especially helpful getting you through challenges when you were younger. Was that something that just came natural or did that come out of the challenges? Um, I think that I, my dad was always very funny. My brother was always funny. My mom, sorry my mom too brag but um I think that that me you know particularly when I was a teenager and I had leukemia I think my family really their senses of humor were like really um really came out and I think it made us all kind of funnier because we learned that that was sort of a you know a thing that put us at ease it put everybody we knew at ease and so I think it uh made everyone funnier right just to just to kind of get through it and it it's funny I've heard you tell stories about how you start off just trying to like protect yourself and and be strong just that all of you just to get through it but then when you when the sky started clearing and it seemed like you were going to be okay you didn't really stop uh taking advantage of some of the goodwill that people had towards it i'm pretty sure i earned some like stuff forever yeah i i would you know the the big term in my family was dropping the l-bomb like you know my dad got a speeding ticket because he said that i was this was like year i was done with treatment and stuff um like yeah using it you know i feel like if you survive something like that or honestly if you survive anything you should get perks forever at least like a starbucks gift card what what did you get out of when you were a teenager and well the huge thing was gym class ah yeah I didn't have to do gym class and that was like cute I mean who wants to like it's so it's so demeaning it's so disgusting that you have to be like a teenager and you're trying to look cool in front of everybody and you have to like go change into like shorts and like get sweaty and then like you can't shower you just have to change back into your clothes and go to class.

22:59It's like, um, hello, this sucks. Um, so I got out of gym class. That was the biggest thing. And then I sort of got out of like anything else I wanted to get out of. But the main thing was getting out of gym class was so great. I mean, I recommend it so much. But also I will say to this day, you cannot climb up a rope and touch the top. it's like one of her biggest flaws yeah then i have to live with that so that that's a trade-off yeah i've never heard about your audition for snl what was that like you know i got myself into such a good headspace before my snl audition and i'm like i'm just gonna enjoy this it feels like it's like gonna lead to positive things no matter i mean i'm a real big optimist you can tell by the way i'm telling the story but like i just was so excited to be there and i was like i just want to be so present for this.

23:52Sorry to sound like we get it, but like, I want to be so present. Yeah. And did you know when you were done that you had in fact nailed it? I, well, I was told they're not going to laugh. So don't be offended if they don't laugh. Nobody laughs. Right. They did laugh. I remember after my first character, they laughed and I was like, whoa, I didn't even think this was possible. What was the character? Was it the bar mitzvah kid? No, I did a different little boy who was really into rocks. I love that there's multiple little boys. Incredible. Yeah. He was really into rose quartz. And they laughed right away.

24:37Yeah, they laughed right away. And then they called me back a week later and I met with Lauren and that was really exciting. And then I was told I would hear within the next day. and then so my parents stayed up all night. That's great. We didn't hear.

24:59And I remember my parents were freaking out and I was like 24 hours to them is like, it's longer. And then like a week later, I got a call from a producer. A week later. Well, before we play the game, Rachel says, you really like gossip. Is there any gossip you want to drop? You guys talk about Tom. I will say that Tom's been extremely inappropriate. Yeah, I didn't feel safe. He was just, yeah. People don't do this when Peter hosts.