A Premature Ejaculation Dilemma... Plus: What Dog Should Graham Buy?

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0:32Maria McErlane:It's nice to have a cake. It's nice to have some jam. Is it? It's better than having someone going, I can hear you. To your sky remote. Search. Erection problems. Remedior ejaculation.

0:47Hello and welcome to another edition of Wanging On with me, Graham Norton, and my good friend, Maria McEllin.

0:53Maria McErlane:Maria McEllin, that is me. Yeah, were you going to remind me of your own name? I was, because I know it's been quite a difficult time for you of late. And I noticed, Maria, you are friendless. No, Rafi the dog. Well, you say friendless. I do have a few friends, but Rafi the toy poodle, he had a meeting today with the Bank of England. They're very worried about interest rates and he knows as much as anyone else about which way we're going. Has Rafi got an agent yet? I was going to talk to Melanie about it. It's my agent. No, because he's quite showbiz. No, he's not really a showbiz dog. The other one, Dolly, dead Dolly, was quite showbiz.

1:30Maria McErlane:This one, not so much. Oh, okay. No. But where is, I mean, obviously, after the Bank of England. After the Bank of England, yes. Where's Raffi going? A play date. A play date, lovely. A play date with a foxsteria. Ooh. Come on. See, we're in a... A dilemma. Well, we're in a kind of a... Are you on the horns of a dog dilemma? There's a dog-shaped hole in our lives. I know, and you've done very well to not get a dog since whenever your dogs all died. I know, they all died. It's a bit of a coincidence they all died so close together, by the way. Oh, they're all gone. Let's go to Australia. Back to Mundo.

2:06So fox terriers, are fox terriers very yappy.

2:09Maria McErlane:No, they're not yappy, but they're very kind of specific about what they want to do and don't want to do. So they just make up their own mind. They really make up their own mind. A bit like my Labradoodle Bailey. Yes, but kind of worse. Oh, so we shouldn't get a fox terrier. Well, I don't, I think, I mean, they're beautiful, but they can be quite difficult. Like, you know, the fox terrier that Raffi has gone to play with loves him for ages and then decides after about an hour quite like to kill you now. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So like a person. It's like a dog that's in that thin man, you know, William Powell and Myrna Loy.

2:44Maria McErlane:I think it is. Very good. Younger listeners. Younger listeners scratching head. I know. Turn to Google machine. I'm scratching my chin as well. Myrna Loy, I mean, there's a name to reckon with. Hello. Yes, it happened before I was born, and I know something about it. Good, well done you. So what else is in the mix? Was that a fox terrier? I think it was a fox terrier. Okay, then I like fox herriers. Okay, but they can be difficult. Tell me what else is in the mix. What I'd like is just to have the doorbell go, open the door, and there's a dog. I can do that for you. And then that's the dog we love.

3:18I can do that for you. Because I think choosing, even because it's too much. It's too much. You know, I think whippets are adorable. Do you know what? Can you get a whippet lurcher? Like a hairy greyhound. You know lurchers are like a hair. Yeah, long-haired, long-haired. Like lurchers are long-haired greyhounds. Can you do a whippet version of that?

3:34Maria McErlane:Is there not such a thing as an Italian greyhound, which is slightly smaller? Well, now you're talking. Well, I meet quite a lot of dogs, obviously, on my travels. As the dog whisperer. I won't pry. I've got to have some life, Graham. It's all the cold meats in your handbag.

3:57Maria McErlane:I'm on a high-protein diet. What can I tell you? Yes, I don't know about the long-haired bit, though. But also lurchery things, they do run away and chase things, squirrels, all of that thing. Okay. I don't mind them running away if they can run back. And also, aren't lurchers like Graham's where they run and run and run and run and then they stop? Well, I think everybody will do that eventually. Every dog will do that eventually. Every dog will have its day. No, but they can kill things in the park. But then did your last dogs kill things in the park? No. No, never. One of our dogs... Killed picnics, certainly.

4:31Yes, killed picnics. And one of our dogs got bitten by a squirrel.

4:34Maria McErlane:I like that. I know. Squirrel fights back. Which dog was that? Douglas. Oh, my goodness. I know. Bitten by a squirrel. That's got to be unlucky. Well, I mean, he was very keen to be that close to a squirrel. Yes, he chased it and then the squirrel fought back and then he went, owie, that's not meant to happen. What about you work thinking of getting not a pulley, but some... Oh, what was that? What was it called? I want to say puma, but that's a big cat. I think they're illegal in Britain. That would be a mistake. Don't do that. The beast of Bodman Moor. We adopted it. It's good that you can't remember.

5:08Maria McErlane:Was it a pumi? A P-U-M-I? I think so, yes. Yeah, I really like them because their little ears sit on top of their heads. And do they have any idiosyncratic behaviour that you should know about or write? Well, I haven't really done any research. I probably shouldn't get a dog. No. Let's just talk about it for the rest of my life. Are you going to just go to a rescue place? In the end, we might just do that because I think it's ridiculous because it's like, yeah, you can't overthink it. You can't overshop for a dog, I think. No, no. But some people want, you know, design and everything. What about poodle?

5:43Maria McErlane:Too gay? I mean, I don't mind poodles. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Big poodle. What about a big one? I do love a standard poodle. Well, there you are. Yeah, but, you know, I've got to love it around the place. I mean, I know lots of people who do the pet placing from Spain and from Romania. Oh, yes, we know that woman who brings dogs back from Spain. Yeah. I mean, you know, I just asked for a hat. Now look. I wanted a funny liqueur, Jane. I might have to put you in touch with her. She's got a lot of lovely dogs. So, Rafi, what breed is that? He's a toy poodle. Very toy. Yeah. And would you recommend? I would as a general rule, a toy poodle, but this one is quite difficult and it's taken him, I mean, it is a man, taken him two years to sort out his toilet arrangements and we still sometimes have mistakes.

6:35Beer will go through you.

6:39Maria McErlane:this is true and also you know it's quite difficult when you've gone around to somebody's house for dinner and they say bring the dog we love dogs not so much when you know yeah they've got a lovely size old carpet yes i've been looking at rugs actually have you yes what size old rugs no it was some other weird material and the woman actually said and it's not great for pets and i And I thought, oh, is it the claws? No, she meant the dogs that piss. And we were like, our dog will not be peeing on the carpet. Well, number one, it really colours, by the way, if they do a wee-wee. And number two, try and get a...

7:17Do you mean number two? What do you mean?

7:21Maria McErlane:Is this your second point? Or has the dog done something more solid? Yes. Number two point is dealing with number two, especially if it's viscous. Oh! On a sizal rug can take you a lot of time, a fork and possibly a nail brush. And a Q-tip. Yeah, and a Q-tip. Thank you very much. That's the worst. So really think on. But isn't the weird thing, if it's somebody else's size of rug, you'd be so embarrassed. If that's your size of rug and your dog has viscous, you forgive them instantly. Good word, viscous, isn't it? Better than mucusy. You forgive them immediately, don't you? Well, I don't know about forgive them immediately.

7:59Maria McErlane:I think it's still a pain. But no, you kind of think, oh, my dog is ill. Oh, no. And the dog didn't want to do that. I think you just think, ugh, why did I get a puppy? But they like having a toddler and it's quite exhausting. Especially if, like mine, it's taken two years for them to realise that pooing and peeing outside is by far the better idea. I feel like only a puppy will love me. I feel like an older dog will know better. I think you need to talk to your therapist about that, Graham. Why am I so unlovable? I think that the puppy will learn to love me because it will have never experienced anyone else.

8:34Where an older dog will be like, you, you, you think I'm going to love you?

8:38Maria McErlane:I belonged to four people before you and everyone was better than you. Yeah. I don't even like you, let alone love you. Yeah. I am not getting on that sofa. Stop patting the cushion. Okay. I think that says more about you than anyone else, Graham. Really, what we need is just a dog to wander in now. Yes. And then we don't have to do problems or anything. We can just play. But we must do problems. Okay, okay. We are moving on. Are we? To our dilemmas of the day. Thank goodness. Hey, it's Christy from Lululemon. I'm in the office with What's New, and the Breezley collection has definitely caught my eye.

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10:40Right, first letter, you have it. Please open it. No, it's drinking coffee. All right, fine, drink coffee. Who was to know this bit would be coming?

10:49Maria McErlane:Dear Graham and Maria, I have a new neighbor, a woman in her 40s. I am a divorced 52-year-old man quite happy with my own company. After initial conversations about rubbish days, location of various shops and dental practices, I had hoped that that would be that. Okay. But no. I've had cakes, funny postcards through the letterbox, flowers from her garden, jam on my doorstep, and invitations to dinner. I really feel I need to nip this in the bud, but I don't want to make an enemy. I am categorically, this is underlined, categorically not interested in her and I have enough friends. And that is from Jason in Portsmouth.

11:33Maria McErlane:Oh, Jason in Portsmouth. Wind your neck in, mate. I mean, you're not all that. Well, except he's feeding all that because there's jam on his doorstep. That's not a euphemism. Yes, but she's obviously, she would quite like a friend. Listen, Jason, you don't want to fall out with your neighbours. No. And she sounds like the right side, but she just needs to back off a bit too, because she's probably coming full on. I mean, maybe you are all that, Jason, but I can't imagine from your letter that you are. He's very happy with his own company. He's very happy with his own company. He doesn't need any more friends.

12:07Maria McErlane:No, exactly. But I just think, all right, just tell her. Tell her exactly what, you know, say, it's so nice of you to do all of this, but I'm gay. Whatever, you can, you know, no, you don't have to tell her that. Unless he is, that's really going to come back to bite him. Yeah, that's true. But you can say... I'm dating a drag queen. It's really nice of you to do all this, but if it's going anywhere, I really need to tell you, so nip it in the bud, it isn't going anywhere. But, you know, keep her on board. It's nice to have a cake. It's nice to have some jam. Is it? I don't know. No, it's not.

12:40Maria McErlane:It's better than having someone going, I can hear you hammering. All I would say, Jason, I think nipping it in the bud is a mistake. Also a bit late for that, frankly. Well, yeah, but also... There's a whole shopping list. So long as you just... You can be polite. You can send, you know, a little email. Thanks for the cake. Thanks for the jam. Thanks for the flowers. And then that's it. And eventually, you know, if you don't feed this relationship, it will drift off. She'll find a neighbour who appreciates her sponge more. Yeah. But, I mean, clearly she's interested in Jason and taking this further into...

13:14Maria McErlane:As a friend. Into a relationship. I know, but what about if he just says... And then it'll give her the opportunity, if he says, you know, this is not going to go anywhere, this is not ulterior motive, is it, this jam and cake, etc. And she'll go, ooh, get over yourself. Who's interested in you? And then you'll have to suck that up, Jason, and then it's done. Well, I just think don't... Or she might say, yes, it is. Oh, look, all my clothes have fallen off. That happens. It does happen. It can happen. Very strong breeze in Bortsmouth. But look at that, that sea breeze, they rip them all off. I'm naked, Jason.

13:52Hide me in your duvet. I just, I think Jason shouldn't say anything. Because exactly what you were saying, you're assuming something that makes you look like a real dick. Yeah. If, if.

14:03Maria McErlane:And you've said it out loud to us. You don't need to say it out loud to anyone else now. No, particularly not the woman who's moved in next door. But clearly Jason has been used to, you know, getting on with his life and the neighbour next door didn't ever bother him. But now, you know, you've told her where the dentist is. I love that. And when the rubbish fins are taken. I would like to know that. Where the dentist is in Portsmouth? No. You never know. Rubbish days I like. Rubbish days is good. Recycling is at the same day. Yeah, yeah. And local shops. So you've done all of that. And she's just trying to say to you, I'm here and I'm a nice person.

14:40Maria McErlane:I'm an all whore. And should you ever find yourself lonely of an evening, just knock me up, as it were. She has moved to Portsmouth. Knocking shop central, right? Am I right? All those sailors. You'd think she wouldn't really give Jason a look-in if she'd be down on the port most nights. Yeah, come on. Look a little further afield. So lazy. So handy, though. Straight home to bed. There we are. What are we telling Jason? I think do nothing, Jason. I think kind of, you know, if she starts to come on to you a little bit more, then you can say, oh, you know, really not interested, very bad divorce or whatever.

15:22Maria McErlane:Or just not interested in you, you old hag. Yeah, that kind of thing. Is that too much? Too much. Too much. A little strong. Yeah, too much. A little strong. So somewhere in between of those things, I think maybe Jason. Oh, I know one. Talking of dental practices and doctors. say the cake with jam gave him food poisoning. Oh, that's a bit harsh. Or say you were allergic to something. Yeah, that's true. Say I came out in hives. Yeah. I mean, but part of me thinks, would it kill you to have dinner with somebody? Oh, no, Maria. No. That's a terrible idea. Oh, is it? Yes. Do not have dinner with this woman.

15:54Maria McErlane:Everybody's got a story to tell, Graham. I think we know hers. Don't do we, though. Yes. I like cooking and I'm lonely. And so that's not a crime or a sin? No, it's not a crime or a sin. All right, I'm her. I confess. You don't actually live in that house. You've pretended to move in. You love Jason. You've travelled. I have. I followed him. Now, listen, our community of dedicated listeners, they are called wangers, and they have had early eyes on this problem. So they write in about it. They do. If you'd like to be a dedicated listener or wanger, you just email us, wangingon at listen.co.uk, just like these people have done, and now they're going to hear their names read aloud by Maria.

16:36Maria McErlane:So the response is from Jason in Portsmouth. Four, four, four, four, four. So Alison says, I see you have two options here, Jason. If the cakes are good, keep them coming. But if you are really uncomfortable with all her kind gestures, the only way is to tackle it and be open and honest and speak to your neighbour directly. Good luck. That means give her the kiss off, I believe. But also, you can't keep the cakes coming. Otherwise, he'll no longer be comfortable in his own company. He'll be so unattractive. Or his own skin. He can only date the woman next door. Maybe that's... She's playing the long game.

17:13Maria McErlane:Yeah. I'm a feeder. I'm going to get him to the stage where he can't get out of that house. And then I'm in. That's good. That's good thinking. She's a clever neighbour. Okay, Helen says, It seems harsh, but I totally get it. The best neighbours are the quiet ones you barely notice. What you need to do is create the impression you're terribly busy all the time. If you see her, pretend you're rushing off to something. If she invites you around, invent other engagements that always clash with the date. She'll probably just stop trying in the end. I mean, that's kind of right, I think. You just got to not encourage her until she finally gets the picture or someone else encourages.

17:53Freya, you know Freya.

17:54Maria McErlane:Oh, I know. Freya who called us. Yes. Yes, I know Freya. Let's listen to that. My advice for the gentleman with the overly friendly neighbour is to be kind to her. She's obviously lonely. So next time you see her, try and make polite small talk, but perhaps pepper in that you're extremely busy and really enjoy time on your own. Well, actually, if you're going to pepper things in, I would pepper in a girlfriend. Yeah, I would pepper in something like that as well. But polite small talk, no, Freya. I mean, I get you. Be kind. Yes, but no, but actually pepper something in, I would say pepper in kind of like that you've got a girlfriend.