BAD Singing, BAD Office Etiquette and BAD Behaviour at the Theatre! Graham and Maria get stuck in.

17:22Maria McErlane:Yeah, and an old friend and you like each other. So, look, I think you've got two things to do. either, Therese, you're not a great singer either. So maybe just dump the choir. Find something else you want to do. Oh, this is a good thing. Take a metronome with you to the choir. Or a stick. Just get her with a stick. A metronome to keep her in time. And then whenever she's out of tune, just go, oh, oh, like that. Every time she hits a bum, I'm like, oh, oh my goodness. I think just don't stand beside her. If you can find a way to not stand beside her. Yeah, and also, you know, it's a lovely little thing.

18:00Maria McErlane:At some point in your life, you won't be able to make the choir. So enjoy it while you can, Therese. Yes, and also in memories, it'll just be photographs. So you, you know what I mean? You're not going to have to, they're not presumably doing. No sound division. Yeah, they're not doing recordings. They do do recordings. Do they really? Why don't you do a recording? That's a good thing, Therese. When you're standing there, record it like that, but favour the phone towards your friend. No good will come of this. No, I know, but it's quite good to let someone know how bad they are. And also, Therese will have to hear herself and go, oh.

18:34Yeah, yeah. Well, maybe it will be. Oh, I wondered who was putting her off.

18:38Maria McErlane:Maybe you could both learn a lesson from this. But I think that's your only option is to do that and then play it in the car on the way home and then never speak to each other again. OK, time to hear what our wangers have to say about Therese's problem. A reminder, these are dedicated listeners who've had early eyes on the problems. How did they do that? They just emailed us, wangingon at listen.co.uk. Who have we got today? Cassius. Oh, that's a nice name. Cassius says, if you didn't audition for the choir and ability isn't a measure of entry, leave her to it. Move away. Don't take her joy and make her feel self-conscious.

19:13Very. I like that. Don't make her feel self-conscious. Let her kind of fly her freak flag.

19:18Maria McErlane:Yeah. I mean, she can't sing. So what? She's having a nice time. But she's in a choir. Yeah, well, we don't know what the calibre is. Nicole says it's up to the choir leader to say she isn't very good. Stop being a bad friend and let her enjoy retirement. If only Stephanie could speak. Oh, she can. Oh, my goodness, a voice note. Ask yourself if the choir is more important than your lifelong friendship. I assume you didn't join to become professional singers, but to do something together and have fun. So does it really matter if your friend is not very good? maybe just keep practicing in distracting situations so you can focus on doing your best and let your friend have fun.

19:56Maria McErlane:Stephanie's thought about that hasn't she? She'll make a marvellous mother. Yes she will. I like that practice in distracting situations. Yeah that's good. Yes Anthea Turner in her autobiography tells a fascinating story about I was in the bargain bin at my charity shop recently. Was it? No she used to do a thing where she would have headphones in and she listened to the radio while speaking to the lady at the till. And this was to prepare her for being in live television broadcasts where they're talking in your ear, but you've got to read a autocue at the same time. God, I love her. I know. So that was...

20:31Maria McErlane:I've got some... Oh, get on with it, apparently. Oh, yeah. Okay. That was Stephanie's advice. Yeah. Glenn says, I used to be in a choir. All right. There's nothing quite like recording yourself and listening back to hear how out of tune you really are. Safe to say, I'm not in a choir anymore. Or make a harmless suggestion that the two of you get together and record your rehearsal. It's good, but it won't end well. As soon as she listens back to the tape, she'll realize singing isn't for her. Don't take away her joy, Glenn. I mean, it's just the choir. No one's being hurt here. Why can't people just be kind?

21:08And work hard.

21:10Maria McErlane:Frankie, Frankie, Frankie says, This isn't your problem. Have a word with the choir leader. It's up to them to give your friends some one-to-one attention To improve their pitch Then you can just play the part of the encouraging friend Good point Yeah, and also I do think Therese might want to hear herself And just hear how good or bad she might be Yeah You know, the difference between your voices might be The Celine Dion of it all Yes I think we're good Therese, enjoy your time with the choir And thanks for writing in before you know it, we are going to be ankle deep in a second dilemma. It's coming.

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23:49Maria McErlane:Second letter time. Thank you, and I'm sort of ready for you. I thought quite quick on the draw there. Dear Raymond, Maria, our dad died recently. I am one of four children, and he left quite a bit of money in his will. Now, I'm not sure why he did this, but he decided that two of his children are doing very well financially, whereas the other two work in the public sector and are not so well off. I'm a social worker, so along with my teacher sister, we have been left all of the money. This has caused a terrible rift with our better-off siblings. I have suggested that we override Dad's wishes and divide the money four ways, but my teacher sister has refused.

24:32Maria McErlane:How do you think we can resolve this? I just want my family back. And that is from Jeff. Oh my goodness, you know, I just want my family back. Where there's a will, there's always a problem, Graham. I just think it's so sad. I mean, wills shouldn't be complicated. And yet parents, the most sensible people in the world, who've been sensible all their lives, they do these bonkers things. Oh, they've got one of my kids has more grandchildren than the other, so they're going to get more money. And you say, oh, just leave it equally and let them all sort it. It's magic money. It came from nowhere. But no.

25:07So it's happened now. I mean, what you really want to do is get a time machine and shout at your father and say, don't be so stupid. But it's happened now. And the other thing about the richer siblings, who are they angry with? Yes. Why have they fallen out with the other two?

25:22Maria McErlane:Because they haven't been left the money. No, no, but the father wrote the will. I know, but it doesn't work like that. It works like I have not got money in my bank account from my father, who I thought loved me equally, to the rest of my family. I mean, it's really, it's so much to unpick with wills and the relationship that you had with that particular parent. It represents stuff that isn't just about money. It represents where you were in the family, how much they loved you, how much grief you have. It's incredibly complicated, which is why, I mean, we should all make wills, obviously, but we don't because we're frightened that if we make a will, we'll die.

26:03Maria McErlane:That's madness. And we should be very, very clear about how and not cause a scene and not make waves for our children, certainly. But that doesn't help in this particular case. But then imagine if he'd left it four ways. I wonder if maybe the teacher would have been gone, because those two have loads of money. I should have got more. You know, you just, is there any good way to leave money? Well, yes, because that at least is I have treated all my children the same. It was up to them what they did with their lives. You know, to each is given a stepping stone, a book of rules and, you know, all of that.

26:41Maria McErlane:You make your life what you want. You have chosen social work and the teaching profession, never great payers, probably the others are hedge fund managers, etc. Or art dealers, who knows? but all you want to know is that your parents have treated you equally. And this is kind of like a judgment on them. It's a judgment that, oh, you didn't work quite as hard, or you've worked hard, but money has come easily to you. There are all sorts of ways of interpreting this. The other thing I think is that this isn't just about the will. These are for people who are grieving, in grief. So I think as much as you want your family back, Jeff, I think you are going to have to wait for the dust to settle.

27:28And it will. It will. And then I think you can broker some sort of thing where you go, look, I know you're upset about the will. I don't know whether you unilaterally, Jeff, could give a quarter to each of the other two. I don't know.

27:45Maria McErlane:Well, there's a fly in the ointment in as much as he has suggested let's just split it equally. And the teacher sister has said no. So there's only one person who is against this. So you seem to have taken it upon yourself, Jeff, to be the kind of mediator here. So you really need to work with your sister on this. Or no, work with the other two and go, look, I understand why you're upset, but equally, you know, other sister teacher really needs this money. And also you don't, I think the thing you either want to say to your siblings is you don't want your father's legacy to be that the family has fallen apart.

28:23Maria McErlane:No. But the problem is the fracture has happened, hasn't it? But it's so fresh. I think this rift can be healed with just a calm, steady voice. And Jeff seems like a really reasonable person. He understands why they're upset. And he's the one with the money. You know, you would think this letter would be written by one of the rich kids going, where's my money? But it's Jeff. Jeff wants this. He wants his family. He wants his family because it's called it. He wants it soft. And I think Jeff's the man to do it. But as you say, Graham, it's magic money anyway. It's like there was no guarantee. Maybe they were relying on this money.

29:05Maria McErlane:There's no guarantee that you get this thing. And suddenly it's a nice surprise when you hear that you've been left some money. Yeah, it could have all gone to a donkey sanctuary. You know, so... And that would have caused a big scene, but at least you'd be united in the fury about the donkeys rather than each other, which I think, you know, you've got to be with each other. You've got left now, probably, by the sounds of it. So don't let it cause... I mean, I do think work on your sister. I think in the fullness of time, hopefully the other siblings can see that this is no one's fault apart from the dad's.

29:39Maria McErlane:But I can hear them talking when you say, you know, you don't need the money. That's not the point. It's the principle of the thing. It's what Dad felt about all of us. You know, you can absolutely hear it, and your dad is a twit. Sorry. I'm sorry for your loss. You feel bad speaking of the dead, but he really messed up on this one. Should we hear what some of our wangers have said? Have the wangers been in touch? They have. They have. I mean, tricky dilemma indeed, but Philippa says, I understand the upset that this has caused, but your father was very clear in his wishes, and they need to be respected.

30:12Maria McErlane:Why not suggest to your other siblings that you donate a chunk of your inheritance to a charity of their choice? That should appease them. It won't. No. Do you know what? I adore there are people like Philippe in the world who think that would work. I'm not sure she's really behind that. She's written those words down, but really. John says, invest your chunk of the money and then split the returns evenly. Short and sweet. Okay. Except then that prolongs the problem. Yeah, yeah. Suddenly the money problem drifts on for years. People want to start buying diamonds, don't they here? Oh, really? You know, the people that got the money.

30:50Maria McErlane:Oh, do they? Yeah. I don't know. What are we doing here? Una says, if you want to share your inheritance... How's the world ended while we've been in this podcast studio? If only there was a window, there'd be a large mushroom cloud outside. Only there was someone to tell us. Una says, if you want to share your inheritance with your other siblings, I think that would be very noble and totally your choice. But if your sister doesn't want to, that's her choice too. You cannot force her. Do whatever feels right with your own money and try not to judge her too harshly if she makes a different decision.

31:23And also, I feel like, Jeff, are you being guilted into giving this money away? Because I'm sure Jeff, you know, he's a social worker. I'm sure he could do with this money. Thank you very much.

31:33Maria McErlane:I think he's just feeling that he'd like his family back. I really hear the fact that he knows. and he's kind of prepared to do anything. Well, also the other thing is I think because he's a social worker, he presumably has the skills for this. Well, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. He knows what it's like to deal with a difficult family situation, how you deal with different sorts of personalities, raised voices, reactions, grief. All of that should be in his wheelhouse. All those family kind of fallouts that you had when you were 9 and 11, and respectively come back, rushing back at you. It's just the family dynamic is very difficult in this situation.

32:13Maria McErlane:But Morgan says... Morgan? Morgan. Should I put the kettle on? Yes, very good. Oh, my goodness. Yes, Morgan. Good Morgan, Morgan. It's lovely of you to offer some of the money back to your siblings, but it's a little redundant if your other sibling won't. Maybe you all need to sit down and openly discuss us how the money would actually help the two who received it and not just be added to savings or be used for a holiday, etc. Your dad was doing what he thought was best and you shouldn't attach shame or guilt to his choices. Shouldn't, but do. Especially if the money would make a real difference to you.

32:50Maria McErlane:I like the fact that Graeme is paying attention. Patrick says... Raffi and I are discussing the problem. Yes, I see that. I'm investing it in dog food. Patrick says, in the height of grief, these things can seem all-consuming, but tensions will probably ease over time. Spend a bit of money on hosting a large family get-together. In your father's memory, that's called a funeral, isn't it? When everyone is face-to-face, your siblings won't stay mad for long. Have you got a family, Patrick? Oh, I mean, you hope they won't. And whatever happens, the freshness of it will go away, and it will become easier, I think, to talk to people about this.

33:30There'll always be a bit of seething resentment, but it might come down.

33:35Maria McErlane:I think you just have to keep the lines of communication open because the tendency in this situation is for you all to sort of disappear and silently fume. Yeah. And don't do that. Jeff, it's a horrible, horrible dilemma, and hopefully some of that advice has helped. Jess, of course, got in touch by emailing us, wangingon at listen.co.uk. That's the email address you could use if you've got a dilemma that we might be able to help with. It's also where you send your Am I Weirds, which is the section which we end the podcast with. Am I Weird? What's the story? Yes, today we have Dennis in Peterborough.

34:11Maria McErlane:Oh, yes. Yes, so here it is. Hi, Graham and Maria. Am I weird that I have my headphones on all day at work? I'm in a big open plan office and my boss insists we come in four days a week. So I pop them on four days a week, pop them on at 9am and they come off at 5.30. I'm not always listening to anything, but it stops people from approaching me for excruciating office chit chat. I mean, you're not weird because that obviously all makes sense. but what do your colleagues think of you there? Because you know they're talking about him. Yeah, you can't hear. But Dennis, I think your colleagues might go, who does he think he is?

34:52Maria McErlane:I don't want to talk to him anyway. Yeah, and also I feel like you're missing out on a lot of stuff that's going on in the office. You know what I mean? Important, there are things in any office that you need to be hearing. Yeah, like do you want a cup of tea, Dennis? Yeah, office politics, that sort of thing. Oh, actually, we're all leaving early today. Leave him, he's not listening. Do you want to come for a drink later, Dennis? No, no, no. Apparently not. There's a bonus. Would you like one, Dennis? No, no, no, nothing. So I feel like there's something a bit smug about sitting in the office in headphones all day.

35:26Yeah, yeah. Like, I'm better than this. I'm better than the sort of stupid rubbish you're talking about. Small talk. And you might be better than the stupid rubbish you're talking about, but actually...

35:36Maria McErlane:You're making no new friends. I mean, it's Barbara's birthday. Happy birthday. Dennis, join in. Nothing. They all hate you, Dennis. I mean, if you really have just removed yourself from the office, it's an open plan office for a reason. You don't have to be chitty-chatting all day long. Presumably you've got work to do, Dennis. But it's not weird. It's rude. And also, it's that thing of if you were scanning the office and kind of went, who burnt the office down? You'd go, him. It was him. because there is something just weirdly antisocial and awkward about it. Like the fact that sitting there with headphones all day is preferable to making a small bit of small talk.

36:17That's, it is a bit...

36:18Maria McErlane:No, it's neither big, clever or funny what you have decided to do, Dennis. And I'm advising you to stop this nonsense immediately before they kill you. Do you think this is actually from Anthea Turner?

36:37Maria McErlane:So I'm going to go not weird, just rude. And it is like attention-seeking, Dennis. It's just you're trying to say, look at me. Look, I don't need to listen to your nonsense. They don't want to talk to you anyway, Dennis. And everyone's stopped even talking about you because they're so used to this gormless git sitting there with some headphones on. I feel like Dennis wants us to say it's weird. And he goes, I'm so weird and so interesting. Not weird, not interesting. I'm with you, just dull and rude. And with that, we're done and dusted for yet another week, Maria. Hooray! A huge thank you to everyone who's contributed to today's pod.

37:13Maria McErlane:Yeah. And also, I have to say, if you need proper advice, because we're not experts, we like to think we are, but we're not, head to at wangingon on the Instagram to find information on some actual experts when you need serious proper help. Wanging on with Graham and Maria. Why are you laughing? No reason.

37:37Maria McErlane:Wanging On with Graham and Maria is a listen production. And we'll see you next week.

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