Can You Flirt in LinkedIn DMs? 👀

19:01Maria McErlane:Yeah, you've got to be light. Light of touch with this. And we don't know what his situation is. James hasn't told us what this man's situation is. Yes. Does he have a partner even? Do you know that? Did that come up in the convo? And also, and this is a bad thing to say. Oh, no, you're going to be Debbie Downer now. Well, no, just if someone's interested, you'd know. I kind of feel that. Like, why aren't you getting a message on LinkedIn from this man? Well, they clearly talked about having lunch, but no numbers were exchanged. So was that one of those sayings you just say, oh, yeah, we must grab lunch?

19:37Maria McErlane:That'd be lovely. No, I don't have a phone. Bye. I don't eat lunch. I don't eat at all, ever. Yeah. What do you eat? Wow. Oh, that's how you can do all this walking. That's why I can never walk again. I mean, I just think James has suddenly kind of honed in on this. And we all get that. I know. Totally get it because we are strange little creatures and all we want to do is kind of fill that emotional void that that relationship has left in your life. And here's this man and he was nice to you on a walk. Yeah. That's kind of what happened. And I feel like... The bar is quite low there, isn't it?

20:17And if he really, you know, was hot to trot, he might be trying to explore ways of contacting you. So, you know, but I say send him a son on LinkedIn. There's nothing to lose.

20:26Maria McErlane:I say send him a message on LinkedIn, but I also say, James, get out there. Sort of spread the burden of your loneliness. I wonder what you're going to say. No. Get out of the gap, Graham. Spread the burden of your loneliness across many, many different avenues. Yes. I think... And your semen.

20:50All over Adelaide. Oh, poor Adelaide.

20:56Maria McErlane:I want to know what happens. I want to know what the wangers have to say. This is the sort of thing they will love. I forgot that we will. Do you know what? I think we gave James quite good advice. And here's the exciting thing about James is I think he's got to take it. I hope so. So look out if you're on that walking tour because you're about to get a message. I do feel a certain kind of warmth towards James because we've all been there. We've all been in that position where you suddenly go, yes, this is it. You're still in grief. Keegan says, this is completely okay. hey, you met like two normal humans in the wild.

21:28Maria McErlane:There was clearly a spark and you're not reaching out because you found his number carved into a bathroom stall. That would have been much more convenient. Yeah, it would, wouldn't it? You found him on LinkedIn, which is basically the online equivalent of approaching someone in a bright, well-supervised library and saying, hello, I am a functioning adult with a job and appropriate footwear. Send something short, warm and low pressure. For example, hi, I really enjoyed chatting on the walk the other day. If you're still up for that lunch, I'd love to pick up the conversation. No pressure at all.

22:00Maria McErlane:Just thought I'd reach out. You got this. Oh, that's quite nice from Keegan. That is totally reasonable. He hasn't escalated it. He hasn't just like, why don't you? Yeah, yeah. That is good advice. I do. I want him to do all of that, but then at the bottom just put, P.S. I'm so lonely. Date me. Jeff from Yarmouth. Oh, Yarmouth is very nice. Says, Dear LinkedIn lurker, I'd say you have to go for it, if only to avoid later regrets. This way, the worst that can happen is he blocks you. Remember the ethical stalker's handbook, though, and make sure your message is gross. That's in capitals. This is an acronym, obviously.

22:43Maria McErlane:Good mannered, reusable, original, short, simple. Best of luck. Jeff's writing a self-help book as we speak. Yeah. Yeah. Maria's not a fan. Jeff, I think... No, he thought about it. Yeah. He thought of words that all mean gross. Yeah. Best of luck. Best of luck. It's a jolly, upbeat message. Thanks, Jeff, from Yarmouth. Okay, Finney. It's the Riviera of Britain. Finney from Norfolk. I've been there with you, I think. Who? Yarmouth. Really? Why are we in Yarmouth? I've got to visit some boyfriend's parents of yours. No, that wasn't Yarmouth. Where was it? Wasn't that Frinton on Sea or something?

23:27I don't know.

23:27Maria McErlane:Isn't that Yarmouth? No! Is it Clacton? Yes, Clacton. Oh, Clacton. It's very near Clacton. No, Yarmouth's way down the other end. This is not helping at all. Finney from Norfolk says... Just keep it good-mannered. Okay. Option C. Find out where he works on LinkedIn and wait for him outside so you can accidentally bump into him. Ensure you have flowers and chocolate so you can spoil him. or D, go for the next walk with the walking group and ensure you have a business card. I would say D. C is, I mean. Stalker. I mean, if Finny thinks C is a good idea, Finny's single. I think Finny was trying to make a joke.

24:06Oh, was she? Okay.

24:06Maria McErlane:A bit like Jeff in Yarmouth. Okay. With gross. Can you remember what gross stands for? Yes, I can. Yeah, go on. Good mannered, refusable. I can't remember the O. Original. Oh, original, short and simple. Very good. Very good. See, it's so handy. I'm buying the book. I am. Alex remains in Marlowe and has this to say. So as someone who has been contacted a couple of times on LinkedIn in that way, I would say avoid it. Despite the fact that everyone now announces their baby names and engagements, it is still a professional social network. What I would do is contact the individual who set up the walk and see if they can either share contact details and if they are unable to, see if they're happy to act as a bit of a go-between.

24:56Maria McErlane:And if the chap isn't interested, then obviously you never show your face there again, sorted. And if he is, then you have another smashing little walk. Okay. I like little walk has become a euphemism. Yeah. Well, listen, Alex knows. Alex is on LinkedIn and she's received these messages. She didn't like it. Didn't like it. So, James, ignore everything we've said. What do we know? Well, what we're giving you, James, is a cross-section here of opinion. Yeah. And you can take whichever bit you like, but take mine. But also, is it that bad getting a message on LinkedIn? Just because she had a bad message, whatever her name was.

25:35To Alex.

25:36Maria McErlane:Forgotten already. With an I. Alex with an I. They weren't meant for her. Harry the Hobbit. We've got Harry the Hobbit with quite a long message. I run an LGBT hiking group and have been all too familiar with people liking one another on some of our hikes. What I recommend doing is seeing if this hiking group has socials, like a Facebook or WhatsApp group, and join. I'm sure he's done that. I would also find out who runs the hikes and ask them if they plan on doing a social meetup anytime soon down the local bar, pub or cafe. One thing to be mindful of is that a lot of the time it's really hard for 30 plus LGBT people to just find friends and nothing more within the community.

26:17Maria McErlane:So you could easily be reading someone just keen to make new friendships as something more. My advice would be to try to go on a few more hikes and socials and try to get to know this person normally rather than a LinkedIn message. Play it cool and see after another hike with him if he would like to grab a coffee sometime. Hope that helps and good luck wherever the trail leads you. Well, they've already discussed lunch. No, but I think, actually, you know what? I'm now, I'm taking back my advice. Oh, my goodness. Because I feel Harry's right. There are some gay groups you join and really it's just a knocking shop.

26:54Really?

26:54Maria McErlane:You surprised me. But a walking group does suggest, you know, gays of a certain age wanting to make friends. So I think what he's done coming out of this relationship, he has seen, as we were saying, he's seen more in this than there is. And actually, even sending the LinkedIn message, I think, might be too much. And just go on a few more walks. If you want to do it again, great. Then you can swap numbers if you want to. Whereas I think if you send the LinkedIn message, you are a bit keen, maybe. Well, especially as this guy will know that you've just come out of a long relationship. I mean, I think anybody with any sense, yourself included, James, would think, I don't want to get involved with someone who's still dealing with the aftermath, especially as you've got a toddler.

27:42Maria McErlane:And, you know, obviously you can't sever ties with your ex because presumably you share the toddler together. So you've got to keep seeing them. I'm guessing that you're the hurt party here. I'm just guessing that from the tone of your letter. So just be careful. and yeah I've talked myself out of it now okay I think don't send the LinkedIn message I think I think just play it cool if you bump into again great if you don't you're gonna bump into somebody I think it's in your mind now the good thing is this man on the walk has kind of woken you up yeah and kind of thought oh it's possible I am still an attractive sexual being I could meet someone and so good but i think even the idea of googling him and finding him and everything is just it's become too much now i kind of i'm with you i would say don't do it yet you see i would say go on another few walks and then do it i mean i i feel that you're hoping to be rejected on some level or you're expecting to be rejected and when that is the case when you're expecting you have a t-shirt on saying reject.

28:46Yeah, it will happen. Look, James, I think between the two of us and the Wangers, you've got a whole range of advice there. Hopefully, you've found some of it useful. Thank you so much for getting in touch. If you'd like to leave advice for James, you could do so in the comments below Spotify or YouTube. Right, Maria McCurlin is back with another dilemma in the blink of an eye.

29:14and invest. Say goodbye to account fees and give your bank balance a glow up with the SoFi high yield savings account. Get over eight times the national average savings rate and an epic welcome bonus when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Sign up at SoFi.com slash Spotify. SoFi checking and savings offered through SoFi Bank NA. Member FDIC. Terms apply.

29:38This episode is brought to you by Sweet Cream. The day doesn't ask for permission. lunch window gone before you saw it coming you deserve a break that actually satisfies sweet greens new wraps i've got you real ingredients zero shortcuts everything you love in one hand think green goddess chicken garlic aioli crumbled bacon corn salsa 40 grams of protein made to keep up with whatever comes next new sweet green wraps hit different order now at order.sweetgreen.com Maria, I hear wanging on as quite the social media presence.

30:13Maria McErlane:That we do, Graham. On our Instagram page, at wanging on, we post all manner of clips and dilemmas. But what about Facebook? We're there too, Graham. Give us a follow. But, Maria, if I'm down with a youth and I'm on TikTok... We are there too, Graham. Again, it's wanging on, and we're on TikTok, Facebook and Instagram, whatever your social media platform of choice. There really is no escaping us.

30:43Eyes blinked, she's back.

30:45Maria McErlane:I'm laughing at you when you're kind of saying, get on with it. Get on with it, resting bitch face. Yeah, come on. Okay, dear Graham and Maria, I'm a weekly wanger and have been since you started the podcast. I enjoy your honest advice to our dilemmas and have one now that I need some help with. Ooh. I'm very loyal to my hairdresser. Oh, I love this already. How have we not had this letter already? I love it. That's it. That's all they say. Oh, we know. We know where this is going. Yeah, we do. Read on. Okay. I'm very loyal to my hairdresser, as many people are, and have been going to her for many years.

31:26Maria McErlane:We've become friends through our regular haircut slash psychology sessions, because I believe that our hairdressers do more for us than just cut and colour our hair. The problem is that she's given me several bad haircuts in a row and I've lost confidence in her ability to cut my hair well. Chunks missing, uneven fringe. I've had to have repair cuts done by other hairdressers to fix the mess she's made. I think she's going blind. That must be it. How else can I explain it? I last had my hair cut by another hairdresser while I was overseas. And this made me realise how crap it's been. I'm now avoiding my hairdresser, trying not to walk past the salon so she doesn't see I've had my hair cut, not by her.

32:17Maria McErlane:So do I tell her, ignore her and just get on with it? You see, I feel bad and don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't want another hack job. What should I do? And that is from Felicity, not my real name. She's taking this seriously. Well, you do. Felicity. I mean, no, but the idea, this is slightly self-important, the idea that you're walking past and hairdresser aforementioned will say, wait a minute, that's not my hatchet job. She's been somewhere else. Why are you on a rumpelstiltskin? She doesn't look the ugly hag I intended her to be. I don't think people, you know, let's be honest, this hairdresser is probably doing a lot of people's hair.

32:59Not what it sounds of it. Fewer daily, I would have thought.

33:02Maria McErlane:I mean, the very fact that she can do an uneven fringe, hatchet job, whatever else you said that she did, lost confidence in her, chunks missing, uneven fringe, and you've had to have repair cuts. How has this happened for the last few cuts? You keep going back, Felicity, not your real name. Well, because there is a weird thing. Because if a plumber came to your house and did a bad job, then you would just go, oh, I won't use that plumber again. and I'm like a different plumber. And it wouldn't cross your mind. But because there's something kind of intimate between you and a hairdresser. Well, especially if you have shared psychological problems.

33:39Maria McErlane:Which you always do. They are receptacles. You take off your emotional rucksack and you give it to your hairdresser. And you say, while you're chatting, can you just unpick some of that? Yeah. And I just feel like then moving to a new hairdresser, it is like, it's like you don't just stop using them. It's like you have to dump them. It's like the end of a relationship. But have you ever done that thing where you go to that hairdresser and then you've been to them for a couple of years and then you think, well, I might try someone else. Or they're busy. So you book in and they go, can you get Jo to do it this time because she's busy?

34:10Maria McErlane:And you go, yeah, that's okay. And then when you go in and you go to Jo and the other one, your regular one, looks at you as if you have slashed them across the throat with a knife. Wow. Have you ever done that? No, I've never gone to the same salon to use somebody else. I have. Oh, see, that's... There's something very slutty about that.

34:34Maria McErlane:Jesus Christ, this is judgy. But you can say to the original one, you were busy. You mouth it across the salon while the other one's doing it. You're going, well, that's lovely. But you can go, you were busy. Yeah. You were busy. I couldn't get in with you. No, see, but the fact that the hairdresser was upset is exactly that. It's not like they're so busy they don't notice. They notice. But I've also had ones where I've said, oh, sorry, I couldn't get in to see you. They go, oh, fine, never mind, don't worry. It's all the same salon. There was a dartboard out the back with your face on it, yeah.

35:05They were seething quietly. Look, Felicity, it is ridiculous because you absolutely should be able to go, I'm going to a new hairdresser now, end of, and not be embarrassed or shamed. And yet we all know there are those genuine feelings. So I think you've got to...

35:22Maria McErlane:Sell your house and move to another town. That is absolutely the best advice. But I think the thing you've got to do is not be kind of like ducking as you go past the window of the salon. You've got to pop in and going to go, oh, look, just wanted to warn you, you won't be seeing me for a bit because my friend is training to be a hairdresser and she's said she wants to do my hair. If I have any disasters, I'll pop in and see you. That's a lie, though. Yeah. You're lying. Yeah. That's what lies are for. to get you out of a tricky situation. Why can't you say? You're shit. No, why can't you say, oh, my last two hairs I had to have repaired?

36:02Maria McErlane:Can you not say that? Why say that? That's because that'll make it worse. That's the truth. Yeah, but it'll make it worse. Okay. A truth that are told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent. Wow! Yeah. Is there an acronym for that? Is it... Yeah. Tibbity-noot. That's what I always say. Tibbity-noot. Let's pop that on some merch. Oh, that would throw me even more. Dippity Newt. Yes. Just for no apparent reason. Yeah, there's a lot of letters that make no sense. Can we have that as a cap phrase? What is that? That's some wanging on merch. Dippity Newt. Oh, have you been to see Dippity Newt?

36:42So good. I live by it. I live by Dippity Newt. But I do think, I remember hearing that as a child, and I was really struck. What, Dippity Newt? No, by a truth and told with bad intent. Yes, good. It's all the lies you can invent. Is that your mum told you that?

36:56Maria McErlane:No. No. Is it Shakespeare? No. I might have read it in a book. Okay. When I was a child. Janice and John. No, probably. Hungry Caterpillar. I imagine it was by E.E. Nesbitt. Oh. It might have been The Would Be Goods. Anyone read that? Very good. Yeah. Anyway. You had a different childhood to me. Oh, I did. It was lovely. You went to school and everything. Yes. And in the afternoon, I'd clean chimneys. And then I'd go home and read a good book. I was too busy taking snuff with prostitutes at the Catholic Church. And drinking gin to keep you small. To get rid of the baby.

37:43William Blake, by the way. Oh, thank you. That was William Blake. Wow. It's like doggerel. William Blake's supposed to be good, isn't he? Well, he had some off days. Clearly. That was when he was working for the Christmas Cracker Company. Here, Bill. Bill, anything on Truth and Lies? And his time with Hallmark.

38:07Maria McErlane:Anything on Truth and Lies. Now, I'm going to read some proper people now because we have been hopeless. What are we doing? What are we doing? We're trying to solve a problem about hairdressers. Oh, yes. I remember now. No, but it's a joke. I solved this problem hours ago. I just said, go in and tell us someone else is cutting your hair. It's the hysterical time of day now. I do think you have to be honest. I think your version of lying is kind. Is it kind? Because she needs to know that she took her eye off the ball or their ball of the head. Someone else can tell her that. Okay, not you. Felicity just wants out.

38:51Felicity wants out in the most painless way possible. And I have given her that way out. Well, you're very good. Great. Let's see what the wangers say. Tell her she's rubbish. Don't leave till she's crying. Don't leave till she's vowed to never be a hairdresser again. How is she going to learn?

39:09Maria McErlane:How is she going to learn to make her haircuts better? She's going blind. She's only got limited time to be a hairdresser.

39:19Maria McErlane:I went to a hairdresser once who said to me, do you have any children? And I said, no, sadly. Like that, because I always think if you put sadly after it, it stops them in their tracks. And he just went, how old are they?

39:39Well, sadly is three. I did, I had to go seven and nine.

39:49Maria McErlane:Okay. Susanna says, I would message her and say, Hey, hope you're well. Just thought I'd send a quick message to say you won't see me for a while as a friend who's a hairdresser is giving me a deal at mates rates. Unfortunately, due to the cost of living, I'm having to cut corners where I can. Oh, this message is already way too long. Yeah, yeah. The longer it is, the more people know you're lying. I think it's also much better to just pop in, do it face to face. Oh, that's hard. No, no, but then, they really don't think you're lying. Okay. Whereas you send this big, long message. This is so clearly made up.

40:20I haven't finished the long message, by the way. Oh, sorry, I do apologise.

40:24Maria McErlane:Cut corners wherever I can. I expect to come back when things improve a bit. Thanks for all the cuts and chat. Best wishes. Then never go back. So yeah, I do think if you're going to text, keep it brief because the longer it goes on, the more they know you're lying. Yeah, I think what you don't want to do is be hiding. So I think that's why get it out of the way. do it's like ripping off a plaster just walk into the salon and go oh there you are darling listen I know you haven't seen me for ages I just want you to explain tell your lie then leg it and then you can walk by head held high with beautiful hair on it what about if you say all of that you just want to say my friend's going to do it and then she just goes you're lying aren't you you go yes I am talentless worthless give me your scissors give me your scissors I'm doing you a favour and everyone else in this town.

41:16It's an intervention.

41:17Maria McErlane:I'm taking your scissors. You must never cut hair again. Go and get your eyes tested. Flick says you have a few options. One, if there are other workers in the salon, you can pull one of them aside and try to suss out if there's a personal or professional reason that her work has gone downhill. Brackets risky. Oh, that one's, they're rated, the options. Yeah, risky. Two, you can talk to her one-on-one and explain how you're feeling and ask her what's going on. Brackets, ballsy. I've got another word for that one. Three, switch hairdressers, make an excuse about why you're doing this and part on good terms with a card and a present.

41:58Maria McErlane:Brackets, cowardly but saves face. Four, put up with rubbish hair. Brackets, sad. P.S. Any chance she is trying to get rid of you as a client by giving you bad haircuts. That's a possibility. there, Flick. Thank you for your options. I don't think any of them are particularly... Well, I think the cowardly but saves face is the closest to a solution. Yeah. I mean, it's a bit like, you know, people say change your shampoo every few months because your hair gets used to the shampoo, so you want to kind of mix it up and try other shampoos. I don't think your hair cares. Mine does. Mine cries. Not Weller again.

42:39Maria McErlane:Oh no, now I've finished the possibility of Weller sponsoring us. Okay, Rosie in Dorset says, Might it be that you're distracting your hairdresser with your constant need for counselling? Given that she's been cutting your hair well before now, you may want to consider less chat so she can focus. Or perhaps she is trying to move you on and hopes the hatchet hair jobs will get shot of you and your dilemmas. Next time you go, say you have a sore throat and can't talk. Stay stum and see how the cut turns out. Okay. I don't know, that's another one that is kind of like, you either have to bite the bullet and be prepared to be unpopular or what Graham said, lie.

43:20Isn't it fascinating though? I think our relationship with our hairdressers is kind of unlike any other relationship. Like I've moved on from personal trainers without a backward glance. You've moved on. You know, I can't remember the other people in your life. There must be other people in your life. But hairdressers, I've moved on from you obviously. Without a backward glance. Dance, uh-uh. Woo-hoo, full steam ahead. I'm free. But I think hairdressers, there's something, I don't know, because it's intimate.

43:54Maria McErlane:And it's a loyalty that you feel you've got to kind of keep up. It's a very British thing. I think Americans would just kind of go, just change hairdressers. Listen, thank you very much to the wangers for all that advice. Hopefully some of it has stuck, Felicity. we stand by ready to give half-baked advice on any dilemma you want to send us, and you can do that with our email address, wangingon at listen.co.uk. That's also where you would send your Am I Weirds music. Am I Weird?

44:29Oh, that was lovely, wasn't it? That was like the first drink of the day.

44:36Maria McErlane:Okay, today's Am I Weird comes to us, courtesy of Kristen in Los Angeles. L.A. L.A., indeed. La La Land. Hi, Graham and Maria. Am I weird for still sleeping with my baby blanket in my mid-30s? I'll stop you there. It's a simple white cotton blanket that has somehow survived decades of life with me. I use it to cover my legs while watching TV or roll it up for neck support. Emotionally, I wouldn't say I'm deeply attached, but there's definitely a sense of comfort in having it around. P.S. Her name is Blanky.

45:21Maria McErlane:I mean, you're in your 30s. Oh, Kristen, I mean, it's a bit like sucking your thumb. Well, look, here's the thing, Kristen. I understand what sucking your thumb is. I was just thinking I get it how confident that was what's the thing? you say you're not deeply attached even though you have called a blankie and you've kept it since you were a baby if you're not deeply attached here's a test throw it away and then I think there's nothing wrong with having a lovely soft blanket that's really comforting you can have it over your legs while you're watching TV or roll it up as an ex-support but throw this one away that's my challenge to you and then just enjoy get a lovely new soft blanket.

46:04Why is she going to throw that away? Because she's saying she's not emotionally attached to it. She is.

46:09Maria McErlane:Yeah. If it gives you comfort, it's fine. Don't have it around if there are other people there. That's all I would say to you, Kristen. I think there is something kind of sort of emotionally constipated about still having this thing that she had as a baby. Yeah. Like a baby, I understand. They like the familiarity. They like the feel of the world. They like the smell of it all. You're in your 30s. if you like a soft blanket, get one. But this blanket needs to see the inside of a bin. Okay. I would say to you, you're not weird, I would say put it in a box for now, so don't throw it away, but get another blanket and see if that's just as good.

46:49Maria McErlane:And then you can have that blanket out in public when people come around to visit you. I mean, can you imagine how rank this blanket must be? Well, maybe she washes it. I mean, no, but even if you kept washing it, she had it since she was a baby, and she's now in her 30s. it's white and cotton that will I mean it must look like the Chirin's Shroud by now

47:11Maria McErlane:I don't think you're weird Kristen in LA I think LA is weird but I think you're not weird but maybe try a different blanket mix it up a bit alright I think you are weird and Kristen and Blanky bring us to the end of this edition of Graham and Maria's Wanging On yeah are we experts Graham? I'm not Are you? No. But if you do need genuine help with any problems, you should seek it out on the proper channels. Now, there's a link to those on our Instagram page, which is at wangingon. Don't take us seriously. We're really not experts. Do that. Wanging On with Graham Maria is a platform media production, and we will be back next week with more.

47:54Till then, goodbye.