Can You 'Return' a Badly-Behaved Dog?

5:56Maria McErlane:No, they don't need to. No, woo-hoo. Shall we write a musical?

6:01Graham Norton:Shall we?

6:02Maria McErlane:Are we ready to read these letters?

6:03Graham Norton:No, let's do it in the break between now and the first letter.

6:06Maria McErlane:Okay, what's the subject matter?

6:08Graham Norton:They're not hard. Mud. We do mud. Yeah, let's do that. Classically the musical. We will have a problem. All right.

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7:15Graham Norton:Okay, Maria, first letter, please.

7:18Maria McErlane:I can't wait for the first letter. She lied.

7:21Graham Norton:No, I can't wait. I don't have to.

7:24Maria McErlane:No. Dear Graham and Maria, I've just started a new job. I've been shadowing a member of the team during my induction period, and I've been finding the experience somewhat of a challenge. This individual has been working in this particular field for just under a year. Conversely, I have five years of experience. As a result, there have been a few incidents where he has tried to teach me the wrong information. When I have tried to gently explain this to him, he has retaliated by pulling toddler-like strops. Dear God. Dear God. I recently grabbed lunch with another colleague, and as we walked, she asked me how I was finding it all.

8:06Maria McErlane:I told her I was enjoying it, but I wasn't getting on with the person I was shadowing. I asked her if she ever found him to be as insufferable as I was finding him. She pulled a strange face and quickly changed the subject. It was only a couple of days later I learned that this woman was the wife of the man I was shadowing and I had just slagged off her husband to her face. I was mortified. I don't know whether I should try to address this with her directly or just go into hiding and have people think I died. I am leaning towards the latter and that is from Beth. I love that, Beth. That is a very bad thing to do.

8:43Graham Norton:It is a very bad thing to do, but it's kind of fabulous, too.

8:46Maria McErlane:It's fabulous. And I think when you do something like that, you just have to own it. I'm slightly cross with your colleague slash wife of annoying man because surely you would say, I'm going to stop you there because that's my husband you're talking about. Yeah, he can be a bit of a curmudgeon. Then it's over. But she didn't do that. So she let her kind of dig herself a hole.

9:09Graham Norton:And also, Beth, with your five years of experience, I thought you might, you know, do a bit of digging. You know, you're getting to know people. New office, I'm going to get to know people. You know, as he's telling you the wrong things, you might be going and, you know, you're married, you've got kids, where would you live? You know, stuff like that. And he'd go, oh, that woman over there is my wife.

9:29Maria McErlane:Yeah, yeah.

9:29Graham Norton:Like, it's kind of odd that she didn't know this.

9:32Maria McErlane:I think Beth maybe was too busy trying to catch him out on misinformation. I mean, yes, you've got five years of experience, but this is a different company that possibly you're working for now.

9:44Graham Norton:Well, all I would say...

9:45Maria McErlane:They do things differently.

9:46Graham Norton:They do, but all I would say, Beth, is this probably isn't the first time this woman has heard this. You know, because he does sound pretty grim. There you go. You know, it's all...

9:59Maria McErlane:So what's our solution to this dilemma?

10:01Graham Norton:Well, I remember once I was somebody's plus one at a party. Oh, that must have been a long time ago, Graham.

10:08Maria McErlane:It was a long time ago. Because you're always the number one these days.

10:11Graham Norton:Well, I was a plus one. And it was a fun, perfectly fun party. And there was this woman who just seemed really out of place. She was kind of older and she was kind of just a bit mad. And she had kind of crazy hair and makeup and stuff. And there was a guy who seemed to know a lot of people at the party. And I just went, God, who's that mad old woman? That's my mother.

10:33Maria McErlane:and uh you see sometimes you just have to own it and that's what i did i kind of went oh wow she's wild okay so we went from mad to wild and crazy and eccentric and i love eccentric yeah i can't get enough of her i was telling you this the other night um when i it was a funeral i was very very kind of stressed and trying to kind of help everybody get to know each other lots of different friends and Jasper Conran was there and I was chatting to him and his husband and blah blah blah and then someone came into my kind of field of vision that I thought I must introduce Jasper and I said and this is Jasper Conran and this is his wife

11:17Maria McErlane:and as it came out of my mouth I wanted to sew my mouth shut you know that sort of thing and I had to say to them I'm sorry I'm a bit stressed you know I really I didn't mean anything The husband, the wife, was perfectly fine about it. Jasper was a little bit... Why did I say that? Why did I say that? What goes on in your head when you're stressed?

11:37Graham Norton:I wonder what annoyed him more, the calling the man a wife or just not knowing his name.

11:43Maria McErlane:No, I did know his name.

11:45Graham Norton:This is his wife, Steve.

11:46Maria McErlane:Yes. You know, the wife had come out. It's something else anyway.

11:52Graham Norton:I have no idea what to do. I don't think I'm supposed to know, am I? No, I don't. I don't know Jasper Conrad.

11:57Maria McErlane:This is your faux pas.

11:58Graham Norton:Don't lay it on my door.

11:59Maria McErlane:And it was a bad one. And I really, you know, for the rest of the day, I was obviously sad about my friend dying, but more sad about my terrible social faux pas.

12:10Graham Norton:Jasper Conlon was no longer your friend. What did you do then? You just felt bad and apologized.

12:16Maria McErlane:I really apologized. I apologized very much to the husband. And I apologized to Jasper. And I said, I think I'm, I just kind of like opened up and said, I think I'm a bit stressed with all of this today, and I don't really know what I'm saying. Sometimes the brain doesn't engage properly.

12:32Graham Norton:I don't think that's the worst. It's not the worst. If they were annoyed, then that's on them. Because, you know, you were just a woman at a funeral who was a bit all over the place.

12:41Maria McErlane:I think always honesty is the best policy. You know, sometimes you just have to make yourself look a bit vulnerable, Beth, and say, I think I was, you know, it was my first day. I felt kind of under pressure. just to have a chat to the wife. There's no way the husband hasn't already told the wife that he found you difficult too. Oh, yeah.

13:03Graham Norton:I mean, that's the thing. It's all in the open now because the wife will all go on and go, you know that woman you're... She can't bear you. And then he'll go, I can't bear her.

13:12Maria McErlane:I think you don't really need to do anything now because it's happened. And, you know, what are you going to do? Apologize to somebody? Just be careful.

13:22Graham Norton:Yes, I think... Get another job. Well, the bridges are all burnt with the guy anyway, because you hate him. And with his wife, I'm afraid. And he doesn't like you. Well, I think, see, the wife might be just thinking, oh, God, here's another one who hates him. I've married such a dud.

13:37Maria McErlane:Well, we don't know that.

13:38Graham Norton:We don't, but that could be happening.

13:40Maria McErlane:She pulled a face.

13:41Graham Norton:A funny, a strange face.

13:43Maria McErlane:We don't know how that was. Was it like this? Or?

13:46Graham Norton:A big little eye roll, kind of, here we go.

13:48Maria McErlane:Yes, or was it, I hate you for dissing my husband?

13:52Graham Norton:Yeah, she had a funny face. It was a bit like a snarl. And then she snapped at me.

13:58Maria McErlane:And she went into resting bitch face.

14:01Graham Norton:Shall we find out what the wangers have to say?

14:02Maria McErlane:Yes, I think they will have the solution to this very dilemma.

14:07Graham Norton:Well, there is no solution. You've said it now.

14:09Maria McErlane:Oh, yeah, there is no solution. But, I mean, moving forward, Graham.

14:11Graham Norton:Yes, moving forward, you know.

14:14Maria McErlane:We don't want this to stop our productive nature.

14:17Graham Norton:You pull the woman aside and kind of go, oh, God, I feel like such a tit. I had no idea you were married to the tit. and, you know, I think that's all you need to say.

14:25Maria McErlane:Okay, Jenny in Marlowe says, Oof! A wanger clanger. Love that. Merch! Merch! I don't need to say any more merch, exactly. You weren't to know, so don't beat yourself up about it. If the opportunity presents itself, then say to the wife, can I just apologise for inadvertently creating an awkward situation when we last spoke? I didn't know X was your partner and I should have spoken with him directly. However, I'd appreciate your discretion. Thank you. It's too late for discretion. It's been discussed.

14:59Graham Norton:I mean, you got the right idea, Jenny, but too many words. You know what I mean?

15:03Maria McErlane:But wanger clanger.

15:04Graham Norton:Yes, wanger clanger, those are two excellent words.

15:06Maria McErlane:Yeah, you win for wanger clanger, Jenny. Woo! John in Amsterdam says, loving the podcast. You're my go-to voices in my ear as I cycle to work every Monday.

15:16Graham Norton:A lot of cycling in Amsterdam. Yeah. They love cycling.

15:19Maria McErlane:Apparently. Canals are full of bikes.

15:21Graham Norton:Yeah, well, because people are a bit drunk and fall in. Good luck, John.

15:26Maria McErlane:I felt there was a potential agenda to this story. Okay, John. One that transforms this from a social blunder into a highly sophisticated workplace intelligence operation.

15:37Graham Norton:My goodness, he's got a lot of time to think on his bike, hasn't he?

15:39Maria McErlane:He's got a long way to work. I question the motive for this woman innocently asking, how are you finding it all? Oh, no.

15:48Graham Norton:Actually, John. No, John. Yes, some good cycle thinking.

15:52Maria McErlane:Was she, in fact, acting as an unofficial reconnaissance unit on behalf of her husband? I wouldn't panic. You may not have detonated your career. You may simply have completed her field research more honestly than anticipated. Yeah. Which is all good, but no solution, John.

16:10Graham Norton:No, that is a description of what might have happened.

16:12Maria McErlane:Yeah.

16:12Graham Norton:Yeah.

16:13Maria McErlane:But it was a good interpretation. No, we like that, John. Very good. I like that. Very good.

16:17Graham Norton:Well done.

16:17Maria McErlane:Teresa in New Zealand says two possible alternatives. She'd probably already heard from her husband how insufferable you are, or she also finds him insufferable too. That was your theory, wasn't it? Yes.

16:30Graham Norton:I mean, I think both. I think that's true. If he's just, you know, if Beth is just an instant kind of dislike, he's just one of those guys, isn't he? And also, people in the office don't like him because they've made him be the one somebody's shadows, which must be so annoying.

16:47Maria McErlane:He hates doing it. That's the problem. That's why he was insufferable.

16:51Graham Norton:Hates his wife. Hates his job.

16:52Maria McErlane:Hates his wife, hates his job, hates his life.

16:54Graham Norton:Secretly he's really attracted to Beth.

16:58Maria McErlane:We're running with this story. Yeah, it's really good. Nettie in Texas says...

17:02Graham Norton:Howdy, Nettie.

17:03Maria McErlane:Howdy. Okay, so you slagged off the husband of the colleague. Why are you mortified they should be forthcoming with relationships if they're working in the same office?

17:13Graham Norton:Yes, I agree.

17:14Maria McErlane:Nepotism much, question mark. Also, you said what you said. I said what I said. That's not how I want to say that. You said what you said. It was truth. It's not always easy to hear. I wouldn't worry much, maybe asking your boss if there are others you could shadow to give you a rounded experience. Surely you don't have to shadow anymore.

17:34Graham Norton:I'm so sick of shadowing.

17:37Maria McErlane:It may all blow over at the end of the day when you start working on your own and start showing that you have the knowledge and experience to do your best at your job. Okay.

17:47Graham Norton:Yeah, I think, Beth, the overall message is don't worry about this too much. These things happen.

17:53Maria McErlane:Yeah, and they're wanger clangers. Yeah. I would love...

17:56Graham Norton:It's a classic wanger clanger. That's a classic.

17:58Maria McErlane:I would love to hear some more wanger clangers, actually, and I feel that there are a lot out there waiting to be written in to us.

18:06Graham Norton:Exactly. If you are listening to this and you've had a similar experience to Beth, why don't you share the story in the comments below? might make Beth feel a little better. Yeah, I think so. She's not alone. This is his wife. We'd also like a second dilemma, and we'll have that very soon. This podcast is sponsored by Newmarket Holidays, providing award-winning escorted tours. Now, Maria, you know that excitement when you decide to go on a big holiday, but then you realize, ugh, I've got to organize it all.

18:36Maria McErlane:Yeah, that's the dull bit, actually, isn't it? Who wants to do that? Nobody.

18:39Graham Norton:Like, I find things like connecting flights are so stressful.

18:43Maria McErlane:Really, really.

18:44Graham Norton:Especially when you're kind of on your own. Unless you're going to an airport and you don't know, well, how far is it? Like, will I be able to leg it or, you know, whatever? I remember once I got a flight back from Australia with a connecting flight. And because the connecting bit was after midnight, it turned out the flight I was supposed to get had left the day before.

19:03Maria McErlane:No!

19:04Graham Norton:Yeah.

19:04Maria McErlane:I mean, you have to kind of take a Zen pill on holiday, don't you, if you're doing that? or get somebody to do it for you.

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20:24Maria McErlane:Oh yeah, baby. It's coming right up. I said what I said.

20:28Graham Norton:You read what you read.

20:30Maria McErlane:I read what I read. Dear Graham and Maria, I thought I might get some good advice from you seeing as you are both dog people. Oh, great. Yay! We are a family of three living in New Zealand. My husband and I are originally from the UK but moved here over 10 years ago and now we have a primary school-aged son. About a year ago, we got a pure breed puppy from a breeder. We thought it was a good move for our family. My husband works from home and the pup would be company for our son. She doesn't say what the breed is. The pup has just turned one and honestly this past year has been the hardest of my life.

21:07Maria McErlane:The dog is lovely with us but has considerable aggression with guests in the house. It's almost impossible to have people over and walks can also be a struggle. We've recently discovered he might have hip dysplasia which is causing pain and maybe these behaviours. We have seen countless vets and spent a lot of money. Everything we do has required huge planning. My son is not particularly fond of the dog and sees him more as an inconvenience. Some days the house feels very tense and I miss my quiet household. On the other hand, we're starting to get a handle on his behavior. I'm learning a lot and really enjoying training him.

21:45Maria McErlane:I can see improvement happening, but it's definitely not linear. He gets us out of the house as a family and encourages me to keep fit. And he's a lovely little dog with us. He's learned how to behave really well in the house. His only issue is with strangers. The breeder who supplied him is offering to take him back and to give our money back. I am so torn as to what to do. He's my little buddy and we've come a long way, but he has also severely disrupted my life. This is not how I saw my first dog experience going. Any advice for me? I love the podcast. Thank you very much, Anonymous in New New Zealand.

22:26Maria McErlane:Oh, that is a sad story. But I want to say to you very urgently, he's a toddler. He is one years old. He's still a puppy. And toddlers, puppies are like having little toddlers. They require an awful lot of work. But I think in that first six months, usually, if you put the work in on the training, then you will get a lovely dog. But you do have to put the work in. And it's not easy and you don't say what sort of breed he is but i'm small small dog yeah i mean i just think

22:57Graham Norton:what's anyone thinking about a dog i hope they hear this yeah really because it's not easy it's a lot you know you we both love having dogs in our lives but a puppy not easy it is an extraordinary amount of work and so yes it will disrupt your life i think this is early days it's a year you talk about spending lots of money going to the vet and you doing training I would seek out a professional trainer because I think they are going to help you so much and they'll let you know what is in the realm of acceptable behavior what is extreme behavior and the thing with the strangers you know it's not too late to nip that in the bud because obviously there's some sort of territorial thing going on

23:44Maria McErlane:it's guarding his pack

23:46Graham Norton:and I think a professional trainer there must be one in New Zealand they could always do it by Zoom

23:54Maria McErlane:but also Anonymous you really need to sort out that hip dysplasia because that could be causing him pain and you can get that seen to can't you? I don't know I'm looking at you like you've had it

24:07Graham Norton:maybe I do I've seen the way you walk

24:10Maria McErlane:well they've gone to the vet

24:11Graham Norton:and they've spent lots of money so I think maybe they have sorted that bit out but I think you're right

24:15Maria McErlane:about getting a professional trainer it in just to nip those things in the bud.

24:21Graham Norton:And also because I think it'll give you confidence. And also it'll mean you, your husband and your son are all on the same page. You know, when somebody comes to the house, this is how we behave. And that will help the dog. You know, because I think it's you try to second guess things. And actually, if you're just all consistent and all of the same, you know, technique, then these things can be ironed out.

24:48Maria McErlane:And you have to really be rigid about that. I'm also feeling that I think if you do give him back to the breeder, you will feel a great sense of not failure necessarily, but failure. And also that's the lesson that you're teaching your son is that if you can't do something, just make it go away. And I don't think that's a good lesson for him to learn. And I think, yes, it's a difficult dog at the moment because it's only a year old, but, you know, they calm down. They absolutely calm down. But once they calm down, they should then have those methods in place that, oh, sit, stay, don't bark. I've got a bit of a barky dog, and it's annoying.

25:25Graham Norton:Yes, but your dog's tiny, so it's more of a squeak. It's more annoying. Yeah, but I think, you know, soon this dog will be sleeping, you know, about 20 hours a day. So I wouldn't worry about it.

25:39Maria McErlane:Yeah, it sounds to me anonymous as though you like your dog, but it sounds like there's no cohesion in the family towards it.

25:47Graham Norton:Well, I think everyone's panicking. Yeah. And I get it. Listen, I totally get it because a bad-to-behaved dog is a nightmare and that continues to disrupt your life. But a professional trainer or even just, you know, YouTube videos, there are so many people doing all of that. So there's a lot of help out there. So just go get it. But don't just sit at home going, oh dear god what are we going to do with this mad barky savage dog there's a program on channel

26:13Maria McErlane:five called dogs behaving very badly presented by graham hall and i think watching a few of those you might find useful obviously it's in a half hour block and it might take a bit more time than that but uh he has some good methods to put into practice yeah i i always feel those programs are

26:29Graham Norton:a bit you know well because it all happens in half an hour i know you think it's going to be easy and you know you forget the bit of I went back to the house three months later and you you forget you kind of edit that bit out of your own listening and you kind of think why is my dog still biting strangers so it's just about putting the time in and I I agree with you I think this person does really like her little dog and I think you would feel very very sad if you gave him back and don't give up on him so soon he's only a year yeah

27:02Maria McErlane:he's a baby you see what the wangers have to say

27:06Graham Norton:I wonder if vets and dog trainers have written in

27:08Maria McErlane:I hope so

27:09Graham Norton:let's find out

27:10Maria McErlane:well this one isn't a vet or a dog trainer Kate from Pembrokeshire says life is full of chapters and it's time to know when a chapter ends and a new one begins

27:20Graham Norton:uh oh I sense dead dog in a minute

27:25Maria McErlane:you have the perfect solution for a breeder to take the dog back gives you a get out take it don't feel obliged to make this work Your son is ambivalent, so let go. Take up parkrun as a family. Go on days out together. Enjoy the freedom of not being tied to a dog and don't feel guilty. It's time to move on. I'm guessing Kate doesn't have a dog.

27:44Graham Norton:Yeah, and also, you know, she's not entirely wrong, but I'm kind of with you. I think it's a weird thing to teach a dog, or teach a child. Confuse much? Yeah. You will be.

27:57Maria McErlane:Put it in front of Bluey.

27:59Graham Norton:Because I just think, you know, So presumably when you got this dog, it was all kind of like, now we've all got to chip in. We've all got to take care of the dog. You know, this dog's responsibility. It's not just a toy. Where is it? It's gone.

28:13Maria McErlane:Well, I think the minute a dog starts to be difficult, then it's mum's responsibility, isn't it? And everybody else kind of leaves it alone. Stephen from Glasgow says, there are other owners out there with the skills and capacities to look after this dog. If you want to live in social isolation with your dog and for your child to resent you forever, Keep it. But you've basically been given a get-out-of-jail free card, so grab it. Oh, two people saying get rid of the dog.

28:38Graham Norton:But I think the bit they're missing is that he's a year old. You know, everything's fixable at a year.

28:44Maria McErlane:Yeah, I mean, I would give people advice who are thinking of getting a dog, especially if you're a bit older, is don't get a puppy. Because that, you know, is required training.

28:53Graham Norton:Yeah, but then, you know, rescue dogs have their own issues. Issues, they do.

28:57Maria McErlane:Ben, he doesn't tell us where he is, but he says, very often taking on a pet isn't the bed of roses everyone makes it out to be. And it seems like you've seen this firsthand. You also need to ask yourself what's best for the dog. I'd be very dubious about essentially selling it back to the breeder. I can't imagine that's going to end well. But is the dog living its best life with you and the family? If yes, great. If no, it might be time to look for local charities who might be able to help you rehome it. that's three people saying get rid of the dog really any hopeful little lassie this is depressing me Graham Jack from Bristol surely this is a simple answer you love this dog the dog loves you it clearly needs behavioural training to be around other people surely with one of the many vets you've seen this has to have come up please keep the dog and get this training yay

29:50Graham Norton:Jack from Bristol the dog was getting very worried listening to this

29:55Maria McErlane:It was packing its little bag.

29:58Graham Norton:Biting its little nails.

30:01Maria McErlane:I don't want to go back to the trainer. Waiting to hear the results of the public vote. Oh, my gosh. Eileen in New York City says, the pup is only one and you are seeing improvements. I say continue with training. Perhaps ask the breeder for advice or a recommendation of a trainer you can work with and certainly investigate the hip dysplasia diagnosis and options for treatment. whether purebred from a breeder or rescue from an agency the pup is part of your family now and you owe it to him to give him more of a chance it's also important for your son to see you not giving up on the pup good luck good work from Eileen we're turning it around

30:38Graham Norton:we're turning it around NYC

30:40Maria McErlane:hang on in there pup yeah yeah

30:42Graham Norton:some mixed advice there from the Wangers Anonymous I hope you found some of it hopeful and you know pup finds his happy place

30:51Maria McErlane:Yeah, I want to hear from you again, Anonymous in New Zealand.

30:54Graham Norton:I don't, because it might be bad news. Oh, don't. We'll be depressed.

30:56Maria McErlane:We only want to hear from you if you keep the dog.

30:58Graham Norton:Yeah, lovely. And if you have a dilemma and you'd like to share it with us, then please do so. You can email us, wangingon at listen.co.uk. That's also where you send your Am I Weirds. Am I Weird?

31:13Maria McErlane:Today's Am I Weird comes to us from Sarah, who says, Hi, Graham and Maria. Whenever I travel by train, brackets, as I am currently, close brackets, I always look out of the window to see if there are any suitable spots where I would bury a body.

31:30Graham Norton:Very wise.

31:31Maria McErlane:Am I weird? Just to clarify, I have never had any desire to commit murder, and I've never had any violent tendencies. I am a peace-loving animal lover. In case you're wondering, I don't think there are many suitable spots in this country. as England these days is so densely populated and so many people now own dogs. Love the show. My daughter and I were recently listening to your podcast while road tripping through Australia. Many more suitable spots there. I love this. I love this from you, Sarah. And you're right about Australia. Of course, also the sunshine means that our body will decompose very quickly.

32:09Maria McErlane:Oh, yes.

32:10Graham Norton:And there's all those dingoes.

32:12Maria McErlane:All those dingoes. Very hungry dingoes. And kangaroos. All those ruse, baby.

32:17Graham Norton:Look what I found.

32:18Maria McErlane:Whereas here, I think, you know, we often have very peaty, sort of wet ground where a body is preserved.

32:24Graham Norton:Oh, mummified even.

32:26Maria McErlane:Well, yes.

32:29Graham Norton:Surely, you know, the old-fashioned patio. You never go wrong with that, do you? Well, I've run out of space. That's all I can say, Graham.

32:39Maria McErlane:I'm having to move house for the third time.

32:46Graham Norton:Sarah, I mean, I don't think you are weird. I think it's lovely you've got the kind of rich...

32:50Maria McErlane:Imagination.

32:51Graham Norton:Yeah, and a kind of inner life that involves murder.

32:53Maria McErlane:And also, I am looking forward to doing exactly that on the train journey home later.

32:58Graham Norton:There'll be nowhere between here and Hastings.

33:01Maria McErlane:Do you not think so? No. There's a lot of fields.

33:04Graham Norton:I know, but there'll be a house quite nearby or a hedge.

33:07Maria McErlane:I think the problem is, Graham, which I have found, is there's too much CCTV these days.

33:13Graham Norton:It really cramps your style, doesn't it?

33:15Maria McErlane:Oh, my goodness. And also my phone tracking. You know, they know where I am at any point because of my phone.

33:22Graham Norton:They.

33:25Maria McErlane:The authorities.

33:27Graham Norton:They are tracking you, yes. I mean, where is good? I mean, the only good place to dump a body off a train is if you're on a bridge going over a quarry or something. Then, you know, heave ho.

33:39Maria McErlane:CCTV again, though.

33:41Graham Norton:Why is the CCTV... On a train, you said? Oh, yes. Well, that's where she is. She's on a train. Yeah, yeah.

33:46Maria McErlane:Oh, but, you know, she hasn't got the body with her.

33:49Graham Norton:Oh, see, I thought... She was thinking ahead. I thought she was going to open the door and then just push the body out.

33:52Maria McErlane:No, she doesn't travel with a body, Graham. No, obviously not yet. Who does that? Not yet. Murderers don't even do that. Not yet.

34:00Graham Norton:You know, if she sits next to someone annoying... Yeah, I'll show you.

34:06Maria McErlane:Yeah, and the best thing to do is the carotid artery. I haven't researched this at all. But I think the best way to do it is in the sea, in the channel. Really? Wouldn't they just wash it up? Yeah, but, you know.

34:20Graham Norton:Along with all the other shit.

34:21Maria McErlane:No forensics. No one's going through that anymore.

34:26Graham Norton:Yeah, found some stuff today.

34:29Maria McErlane:Found an old shoe and...

34:31Graham Norton:It was attached to an old leg. A computer.

34:34Maria McErlane:Oh, and a body.

34:37Graham Norton:Well, I think we should... I think we're both saying not weird.

34:40Maria McErlane:Absolutely not weird. Really rather good. I'd like to be her friend.

34:43Graham Norton:Yes. Well, we're backing away from Sarah slightly nervously, but that brings us to the end of this edition of Wanging On with Graham and Maria.

34:53Maria McErlane:And remember, we are not experts and we never will be. So if you need genuine help with any of life's problems, you should seek it out from the proper channels. And there's more on our Instagram at wangingon.

35:06Graham Norton:Wayne On with Graham Maria is a Platform Media production, and we will be back next week. Goodbye.

35:11Maria McErlane:Goodbye.

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