Do You Dunk? Plus: Gay Life in the Countryside

5:34Maria McErlane:These are things that are making my brain scramble today. Yeah, but they... No, because you're throwing the dinner party and you're cooking. So unless everything is going to be ready when people arrive, I quite like those ones where you just get there and someone's cooking and someone's making you a drink and it's relaxed. No, you don't like that.

5:52Graham Norton:Well, no, I do like it in somebody else's house, not in mine. Ah. You know. Oh. Well, no, because I'm not that person. I'm not kind of chatting and just going, I think it's a little bit more salt. How's your week been? That's not me. You're not American.

6:06Maria McErlane:I'm like, get out of this room. Oh, I see. Do you remember when you have it to make a speech at our friend's wedding and me and you and your husband, it was very hot, and we were rushing and there was traffic everywhere so we thought, let's get the tube.

6:23Graham Norton:I do remember this.

6:24Maria McErlane:So we went to the tube and it was one of those tubes where we had to go down in the lift to get the train. And then, chunter, chunter, chunter, halfway down, the lift broke.

6:34Graham Norton:I know. And I was thinking, oh good, we don't have to go now. that's very that's very late no but only because i had to make a speech yeah and i was thinking oh at least i don't have to make the speech you were on the intercom thing yeah going i'm very claustrophobic i need to get out i was like you're not helping i know but you came up with a solution

6:57Maria McErlane:finally which was because you've got a lift in your place in ireland for your mum yes unable to you the stairs. You said, I know what they can do. They crank it down.

7:06Graham Norton:Yes, there's a manual. There's always a manual option.

7:08Maria McErlane:Because what they had told us over the intercom was, there's someone coming, but he's stuck in traffic. We know the traffic is bad. That's why we decided to get them tuned.

7:19Graham Norton:And also, when they cranked, I always remember, when they cranked the lift down and the doors opened and we were like, safe at last.

7:28Maria McErlane:I was looking for a paper bag to breathe into.

7:30Graham Norton:People then started to get into the lift and was like, no, you idiot. We've just been trapped in this lift. Why would you get in it?

7:39Maria McErlane:The good thing about being trapped is it was only the three of us. If we'd have been trapped with strangers.

7:45Graham Norton:Yeah, it would have been awful.

7:46Maria McErlane:Because we'd have had to talk to them. What are you doing for the weekend?

7:52Graham Norton:And actually, it worked out very well because it meant we got to the party at kind of the right time. I think we'd have been early if the lift hadn't been stuck.

8:02Maria McErlane:I did get claustrophobic. Did you? Yeah. It's a very big lift. I know, but, you know, if you're stuck in something, you start thinking, oh, breath, how long, how much oxygen have we got left? Stop breathing! I'm going to need that. Jono was breaking into song, using up all the oxygen. No!

8:24Graham Norton:So, we must be punctual with our dilemmas of the day and we're going to have the first letter in mere seconds.

8:34Maria McErlane:This episode of Wanging On is also brought to you by our friends over at EE who have both the UK's best mobile and broadband technology.

8:44Graham Norton:Yes, Maria, and that means we have yet another dilemma to solve. So, please tear open an envelope.

8:48Maria McErlane:Oh, yes.

8:50Graham Norton:Do you think there's a letter in there?

8:52Maria McErlane:Thank you so much.

8:53Graham Norton:Is there? Is there? There is. Oh, dear Graham and Maria,

8:58Maria McErlane:this year my daughter is in her first ever professional pantomime and the show run means she'll be spending Christmas Day in Bradford while the rest of us will be in Devon doing the usual chaos paper hats, party games, and embarrassing number of pigs in blankets. We're thrilled for her, but there's a rather large, glitter-covered elephant in the room. She'll miss the family Christmas for the first time ever. And while I'm sure Christmas in a theatre dressing room has a certain chaotic charm, I don't want her microwaving a mince pie between matinee and evening shows while the rest of us are drowning in gravy and monopoly cheating accusations.

9:34Maria McErlane:All right, we get it. How do we make her feel part of Christmas when she is 200 plus miles away covered in stage glitter and probably sharing a kettle with seven people dressed as woodland creatures? Yours, Geraldine.

9:49Graham Norton:Oh, Geraldine's a very sweet mom who has misunderstood this. The daughter is delighted.

9:56Maria McErlane:She's been trying to get away from you for so many years. And it's her first professional job.

10:02Graham Norton:Yeah. So she's having a great time. And there'll be such a kind of Dunkirk spirit. And it'll be lovely. Geraldine, you're going to miss her. But I hate to break it to you. She's not going to miss you.

10:14Maria McErlane:She'll be having the best time ever. And everybody's in the same boat in that theatre, aren't they? They're all thinking, yeah, normally we'd be at home, but hey, let's crack open the Baileys at this time in the morning. Exactly.

10:24Graham Norton:And they'll go to kind of, you know, a shop and they'll find lots of kind of ready meals with a Christmas theme and microwave them and have a laugh. And often there aren't any shows on Christmas Day. They do Christmas Eve and they do boxing. I said, do Pantos do? I think everyone takes a break Christmas Day, do they? Do they? I don't know anymore. But anyway, if she's working, that's the problem. If she's not working on Christmas Day, she'll just go to someone who's closer to Bradford than you, who's working in the panto.

10:49Maria McErlane:But I do feel there's a panto on Christmas Day because there's money to be made.

10:53Graham Norton:And I would say, you know, send her a gift. The good thing is, though, you can, you know,

10:57Maria McErlane:the modern world, we never had this, Graham, when we were doing panto back in the 1800s. You can actually connect with people these days.

11:05Graham Norton:Oh, yeah. You can never get away from them.

11:09Maria McErlane:And how would you suggest connecting? EE broadband.

11:14Graham Norton:They'll have to Zoom, won't they? Zoom, yeah.

11:16Maria McErlane:And maybe you'll get, you know, the woodland creatures in the background waving and chirping like little chipmunks.

11:23Graham Norton:I was going to say something, do something, like Geraldine could put together a really nice hamper, Christmas hamper for the whole cast.

11:30Maria McErlane:Don't do that. It would be a nice thing to do.

11:32Graham Norton:And everyone would like Geraldine's daughter because they got free stuff from her. But I'd go heavy on the booze, Geraldine.

11:39Maria McErlane:The thing is, those costumes are going to get very tight over that Christmas period.

11:44Graham Norton:I thought you were going to say something else. they're also going to get very smelly yes those woodland creatures they smell like the woodland by the end

11:52Maria McErlane:it's very Stanislavski it's very method acting isn't it

11:55Graham Norton:yeah to get a smelly woodland creature yeah the audience are going my god really smells like a farm authentic or what but the good thing Geraldine is I think you're not planning on surprising her or anything she's an adult now she's in a professional job she's going to enjoy being there and because it's, you know, theatre, it's not like she's digging a ditch on Christmas Day. It's this thing she loves and she wants to do and she's dreamt of doing her whole life and now she's getting to do it.

12:26Maria McErlane:She went to tap dancing lessons and drama school and had singing lessons so she could say to all those little children, it's behind you.

12:35Graham Norton:I know, it's a difficult job.

12:37Maria McErlane:Oh, yes, it is. Oh, no, it isn't.

12:42Graham Norton:Wow, you're the whole cast. Well done, you. Well, Geraldine, I hope we helped in some sort of way. But the real secret to staying connected? Well, it's a little bit of Christmas spirit and connectivity that never lets you down.

12:55Maria McErlane:If you're hosting or at home this year, EE has the best connectivity and broadband technology and can handle all of your visitors' streaming, scrolling and gaming needs, Graham. Wow, you get up to a lot of gaming? No.

13:09Graham Norton:Almost as gamey as this would then creatures. And if you're on the road and guesting, EE has the best mobile network to keep you connected to everything from music to maps so you can stay entertained and on time.

13:24Maria McErlane:To keep connected, search EE. Are you looking for support in your weight management journey?

13:30Graham Norton:ZepBound Terzepatide may be able to help. ZepBound is a prescription medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity. or some adults with overweight who also have weight-related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off. ZepBound is approved as a 2.5, 5, 7.5, 10, 12.5, or 15 milligram injection. ZepBound contains terzepatide and should not be used with other terzepatide-containing products or any GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if ZepBound is safe and effective for use in children. Don't share needles or pens or reuse needles.

14:09Graham Norton:Don't take if allergic to it, or if you or someone in your family had medullary thyroid cancer, or if you've had multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Tell your doctor if you get a lump or swelling in your neck. Stop ZepBound and call your doctor if you have severe stomach pain or a serious allergic reaction. Severe side effects may include inflamed pancreas or gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes before scheduled procedures with anesthesia, if you're nursing, pregnant, plan to be, or taking birth control pills. Taking ZepBound with a sulfonylurea or insulin may cause low blood sugar.

14:42Graham Norton:Side effects include nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and worsen kidney problems. Talk to your doctor. Call 1-800-545-5979 or visit zepbounds.lily.com. Do you hear that? Sounds like breakfast is ready. Because Quaker's coming in hot with morning nutrition. 100 % whole grain oats And a good source of fibre To fuel the rhythm of your morning And kickstart your day And that sounds Absolutely delicious Fuel to start whatever's next Quaker Official sponsor of FIFA World Cup 26 I-O Let's go That's more I am agog I am waiting for the first letter

15:32Maria McErlane:I think you'll like this one Dear Graham

15:47Maria McErlane:Shall I just stop?

15:48Graham Norton:Yeah, go on then, read the letter. Oh, you found it. Great. Seamless.

15:53Maria McErlane:Dear Graham and Maria, my husband and I live in a lovely rural part of the country and have been very happy. Last year, another gay couple moved in to the farm next door They're very friendly, but we're homebods I think they feel just because we're gay that we should all hang out They are constantly suggesting things to do like couch to 5k runs Pub quizzes, antiques fairs and dinners out One of them is also very flirtatious with my husband, which annoys me I'm sick of declining these invitations, but still they come we don't really have much in common other than gayness. How do we extricate ourselves?

16:36Maria McErlane:My husband doesn't seem to be that bothered, which is also annoying. And that is from Jason. Jason, I like this very much. I mean, it is that annoying thing that people go, oh, I have a gay friend, you'll love him. I know. And, ugh, that's so tiresome.

16:52Graham Norton:Like your dogs meeting in the park.

16:53Maria McErlane:It's so tiresome. It's like, you know, just because. so but they obviously want some friends and they need to oh the other people yeah the other people just moved in want to make friends they want to you know befriend you you've been trucking along perfectly nicely your home boards I think if you stop responding to not responding but you know if you say no to things they will pretty soon get the message or maybe you kind of limit yourself to how you would see people in the real world, as it were. I mean, this is the real world, but in this gay world that these couples seem to think that they're in, they've got to hang out all the time.

17:33Maria McErlane:And one of them is very flirtatious.

17:35Graham Norton:I feel like this other couple were not ready for rural life. I think they bought some version of, you know, some idyllic, lovely life. We'll be gays who garden and kind of verse gnatic into something.

17:48Maria McErlane:And it's exposing holes in their relationship. Or just being bored and lonely. Yeah. Well, how can you be bored only if you've got somebody that you're living with?

17:57Graham Norton:I mean, if you're constantly going out, if you're used to an urban life, where you're constantly kind of meeting chums for drinks or, you know, let's all go to a bottomless brunch, that kind of thing, then that's very different to sitting in a house in the middle of the country, listening to a clock ticking.

18:14Maria McErlane:I think that happens to a lot of people when they decide to swap a city for, you know, rural living. You don't realize that actually it's a slower pace of life. Although there are still things, as has been proved here, that you can do and you don't have to stay in, but they can do it on their own or together, those two.

18:30Graham Norton:What is couch to 5K? What's that?

18:33Maria McErlane:When you run from your couch for five kilometres.

18:36Graham Norton:To another couch?

18:37Maria McErlane:Yes.

18:38Graham Norton:Something at the end to tempt me?

18:40Maria McErlane:It's, you know, for people to get fit, you start very slowly. Oh, I see. You do two kilometres and then you walk a bit and then it's a way of getting you into running and keeping fit.

18:51Graham Norton:Why would you invite anyone to do that?

18:52Maria McErlane:Well, because you might think that they're a bit chubby and might like it. You know, it's very difficult because, yes, you don't want to alienate them. They're your neighbours. And it's good to keep friends with people always if you can. But you just don't want to do as much as they want to do. So how would you go about?

19:13Graham Norton:Well, the other thing I think with Jason is really the crux of this is very flirty with my husband was annoying. and my husband doesn't seem to be so bothered by the invitations. You know, there's storm clouds, I feel, gathering. Well, yes.

19:29Maria McErlane:I mean, you put people together, there's always going to be a little bit of that, perhaps.

19:32Graham Norton:Yes.

19:33Maria McErlane:And that's not, you know, gay people. That's everyone. That's people. That's just people, yes. People. There's always... Flirting is not bad, though. No, no, flirting's fine.

19:43Graham Norton:I just, it's... You know, again, I think maybe this couple, they're a bit bored. You know, they've moved to the country and then weren't quite prepared for it. Yeah. And they feel like there might be a frisson of excitement next door.

19:58Maria McErlane:Well, sometimes people do want to invite folk in for a little bit of... Don't pull that face.

20:04Graham Norton:Well, you know, again, I think that's fine in an urban setting.

20:08Maria McErlane:Why is it fine in an urban setting?

20:10Graham Norton:Because there are lots of people to choose from. Have you not seen... You don't have to, like, in the country, it's just kind of like, you know, we're going to have an open relationship. Who with?

20:16Maria McErlane:Them. You know, like... I mean, the countryside is awash with pampas grass with people who do wife swapping. So, you know, because as you say, it's very boring.

20:29Graham Norton:Is pampas grass really? I don't think it is, really.

20:32Maria McErlane:Well, I've been knocking on a lot of doors.

20:35Graham Norton:And you've never been turned away yet. Yes, exactly, Graham.

20:41Graham Norton:Jason, I think you're doing the right thing. You are turning down all these invitations, and eventually one of their apps will ping with another gay couple somewhere, maybe, you know, two fields away, and they can start bothering them.

20:57Maria McErlane:Yeah. I think don't alienate them completely, though. Go to dinner. And perhaps when you do go to dinner or invite them to dinner, you can say we pretty much homebods. Don't invite them to dinner. No, but they are going to have to do that. No. They can't cut all ties.

21:12Graham Norton:What you do, say, if you're having Christmas drinks or something. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, but not a dinner, because that suggests some sort of bonding or friendship. And also, it suggests, oh, we're going to have to go to your house for dinner now. Suddenly, that's two evenings with these people you don't want to spend any evenings with. So, don't. Christmas drinks, Easter drinks, something like that. Have them in. They're part of a big thing. You've done it. You've been a bit friendly. And then you just continue to say no to every other invitation. So you're not the bad guy here. You have been a little bit friendly, but essentially you're putting a line in the sand.

21:49Maria McErlane:Have you established this in your new house? Because I've given your address to lots of gay friends. And they're going to be very disappointed with your attitude, sir. Oh, yes, they are. Shall we see what people say?

22:03Graham Norton:Yes, because if you email wangingon at listen.co.uk, you can get early access to all the dilemmas. and then you can give us your responses. What have you got?

22:14Maria McErlane:Well, Jen says, I think you should embrace this new couple. Buck up and enjoy the adventures they bring to your lives. It might peter out in time as they get bored with your company.

22:26Graham Norton:The adventures they bring to your life. It's a 5K couch run. And a pub quiz. And some antiquing. All sounds perfect.

22:37Maria McErlane:I'll come with you. Well, I do it by myself. Yeah, yeah. Ross says, is there anybody else that you can invite to your gatherings? They might be more bearable if it's a bigger group from your village, having a big catch-up rather than just the four of you.

22:52Graham Norton:You know, never have just the four of you. Never. Stop that. Okay. I can't remember. Has Jason been seeing these people?

22:58Maria McErlane:Well, yes, because they've just moved in. So, you know, there's obviously been a bit of comfort drinks or...

23:03Graham Norton:Too much, too much. We've got a voice note. From Chris. Let's listen to it. My advice for the gay guys with the overly friendly gay neighbours is to take up a really off-putting hobby. Double down on something really unpalatable. That'll keep them away. What? Well, you see, I was waiting for Chris to tell us what the unpalatable hobby was. I mean, you know, what could it be? Taxidermy? Group sex.

23:27Maria McErlane:I think that's what they want.

23:30Graham Norton:You know, it's to put them off rather than encourage them.

23:33Maria McErlane:Yes, maybe pigeon shooting or something like that.

23:36Graham Norton:Pigeon shooting.

23:37Maria McErlane:Oh, no, clay pigeon shooting is all right. It's shooting proper things, alive things.

23:42Graham Norton:Yeah, don't shoot real things. Yeah, because you might hit the neighbours by accident.

23:47Maria McErlane:Okay, George says, Surely it's a nice thing to have some gay friends in such a rural area. I think you might be being a bit too harsh. Work to find out more in common with these people so you can be there for each other. Hold space. Holding space for you.

24:03Graham Norton:Look, I think it's a lovely thing to kind of know your neighbours. so you know if you needed something delivered you could take in a package for them or whatever but I think Jason's point I understand this is that just being gay isn't enough you know if these if the neighbor gays are collecting Toby jugs and you know polishing horse brasses all day you're gonna think well yeah I have no interest in any of that thank you very much we're over here doing whatever we're doing

24:32Maria McErlane:we're different sorts of gays

24:32Graham Norton:yeah we're watching French films see

24:35Maria McErlane:Oh, I see where you're going. Yeah, back off. We're intellectual gays. Yeah. And you're brass-rubbing gays. I think perhaps in the olden days, when there were fewer gays or fewer spaces. Out gays. Out gays and spaces to be, yeah. That's my view on that. So what does that mean? What?

24:54Graham Norton:There's no end to that sentence. I think in the old days there were fewer gays. That's what I feel.

25:02Maria McErlane:It didn't mean anything. Then there was a... I didn't finish it, you're right. There was a need to stick...

25:08Graham Norton:It was going on in your head.

25:09Maria McErlane:There was a need to stick together. Yes. More so than now.

25:13Graham Norton:Yeah, but equally, I think a lot of time people didn't... I remember I knew some very old gay actors who lived down in Deal and because there were other gay guys down there, they did have to socialise with each other and they hated everybody. I mean, it was like hell, but they were kind of trapped in that, as you say, that kind of underground, kind of weird gay social thing.

25:37Maria McErlane:Which is not necessary anymore, because gays amazingly can integrate with straights these days. Yes. Modern world, Graham. And then hate the straight people as well. And hate the straight people. Much easier to hate, I think.

25:48Graham Norton:Jason, good luck with the neighbours. We'll be moving on to our second dilemma very soon.

25:54Maria McErlane:This episode of Wanging On is brought to you by Drambui.

25:57Graham Norton:Which means we get to answer a special bonus, Am I Weird from the Wangers? What have I got, Maria?

26:03Maria McErlane:Well, I've got something. Hi, Graeme and Maria. Am I weird at a dinner party or out for food anywhere? I cannot tolerate adults feeding each other. It makes me feel like throwing up when I see someone cramming a fork full of chocolate cake into someone else's mouth. It's not romantic. It's just gross. It should only be reserved for those who are incapable of feeding themselves. but between the ages of two and 102, it should be a no-no. I rank it up there with someone having their toenails or nose haircut by someone else at the dinner table. Save it for that time in life when one cannot do it themselves.

26:41Maria McErlane:Warmest regards, Clara. Oh dear, Clara. She's got into a lather.

26:46Graham Norton:I mean, I agree with you, Clara, but I'm not sure I see it that often. Where does Clara go?

26:53Maria McErlane:Yeah, and I've certainly never seen anyone cutting their toenails at the dinner table or having them cut.

26:58Graham Norton:Yes, I like the way she thinks that's worse. If someone else is cutting your toenails at the dinner table, it's worse than doing it yourself.

27:03Maria McErlane:What about if you bite your own toenails at the dinner table? I think that's okay. That's a starter.

27:08Graham Norton:And also, that is a sign of great flexibility. You know, it's a talking point.

27:12Maria McErlane:Which is to be celebrated, really, isn't it? Do you do yoga? Would you bite my toenails? What do we think? I think you need to slightly, Clara, I do think you need to get over yourself a bit because it doesn't happen that often. I mean, I see it more in weddings, frankly, when it seems to be a thing where the bride and groom smash, smoosh cake into each other's faces. And I always think, what's that about?

27:37Graham Norton:What is that about?

27:38Maria McErlane:What is that about?

27:39Graham Norton:What is it about? No, basically, Clara, you're not weird because it is not a pleasant thing to watch adults feeding each other, particularly if they think it's romantic. That's kind of sickening.

27:51Maria McErlane:But what about if you just go, oh, this is delicious.

27:52Graham Norton:Have a taste. No, that's different.

27:54Maria McErlane:Is that different? That's feeding someone.

27:56Graham Norton:But even then, I think you have a taste. When you say...

27:59Maria McErlane:What you mean is you don't go... Yeah, yeah.

28:01Graham Norton:No, but also I think when you're at dinner and you've got to go, oh my God, this is so good. You go, do you want a taste? And then someone leans in. You don't go, do you want a taste? Do you? Here comes the choo-choo train.

28:14Maria McErlane:Yeah, yeah. Open the hanger, let the plane come in. Do you remember? No.

28:21Graham Norton:We didn't have those in Ireland. Or planes. Planes, hangers, I think not.

28:27Maria McErlane:If it is a lovey-dovey thing, where you kind of want to say to someone, get a room, that is different from taste this, it's delicious. Yes. And lovey-dovey things, public displays of affection, certainly over a certain age. I find them quite charming in the young. But if you're, you know, pushing 50, feeding each other chocolate cake, bleh.

28:44Graham Norton:No.

28:45Maria McErlane:I'm with you. I'm with you, Clara.

28:46Graham Norton:I think there's no age when it's appropriate. Well, there is.

28:50Maria McErlane:Well, she says between the ages of two and 102. It's a no-no.

28:53Graham Norton:I mean, if you can't lift a fork, then, yes, someone should lift it for you.

28:57Maria McErlane:Just pop their heads down into the plate. Yeah. Try that.

29:02Graham Norton:Those are our thoughts, Clara. But whether your next dinner party does involve the unfortunate side of watching couples feed each other, why not make it extra special with a bottle of Drambui?

29:12Maria McErlane:It's the perfect accompaniment for every party, especially the way it's prepared here which is Drambui and iced espresso. Is this what the professionals call a serve? I don't know what that means but yes.

29:25Graham Norton:Okay, I don't know what it means either.

29:27Maria McErlane:Shall we toast to another Am I Weird settled?

29:29Graham Norton:Yes, we shall. Drambui iced espresso, the unexpected crowd pleaser.

29:35Maria McErlane:Please enjoy and share Drambui responsibly. Visit drinkaware.co.uk for more information. Your call has been forwarded to voicemail. Hi, this is Zoe Deutsch and Nick Robinson.

29:47Graham Norton:Our brand new movie, Voicemails for Isabel, is all about those little moments that feel like the universe is looking out. Feeling homesick, then your sister calls. Hearing that perfect song exactly when you need it.

30:02Graham Norton:Sometimes life rigs things in our favor, like learning about your new favorite rom-com, Voicemails for Isabel. Now playing only on Netflix. Study. and play. Come together on a Windows 11 PC. And for a limited time, college students get the best of both worlds. Get the Unreal College Deal.

30:23Maria McErlane:Everything you need to study and play with select Windows 11 PCs. Eligible students get a year of Microsoft 365 Premium and a year of Xbox Game Pass Ultimate

30:31Graham Norton:with a custom color Xbox wireless controller. Learn more at windows.com slash student offer. While supplies last, ends June 30th. Terms at aka.ms slash college PC. Do you have a second dilemma?

30:44Maria McErlane:Do you know I do?

30:44Graham Norton:Oh, marvellous. We could chat all day, couldn't we, Graham?

30:50Maria McErlane:It's going to become a thing. Are you ready?

30:53Graham Norton:Very.

30:53Maria McErlane:I've opened my envelope. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Dear Graham and Maria, my mum is an amazing grandmother to my two kids, but she feeds them nothing but junk food. My wife and I have been so careful to give our kids a balanced diet and we actively limit their sugar intake as it makes them really hyper and a nightmare to deal with. But whenever they spend time with granny, she gives them chocolate biscuits, chewy sweets, Mars bars and an endless supply of jam tarts. We've politely asked her not to, but she says it's her job to treat them. How can I get her to respect our wishes? And that is from Ben.

31:32Maria McErlane:Ben, she's looking after your two children as you wanted her to do. Let her just have a moment. It's not going to kill them. Yes, they might be a bit... What? It might.

31:44Graham Norton:They're diabetic now.

31:46Maria McErlane:They might be a bit hyper and that might be a bit difficult to deal with. But she's doing you a massive favour and it's kind of a bit mealy-mouthed of Ben, I think. You've asked her several times and she's still doing it. What are you going to do?

32:01Graham Norton:And also, you know, she raised you, Ben, and you're alive and making these sensible food decisions. So hopefully that'll happen to your kids. But I'm agree with you. She's looking after your children. So you have either Ben and your lovely lady wife, you put together snacks and lunches and things. And when you deliver the children for free childcare, you also deliver what they're going to eat. or you shut up about it and they got to eat some jam tarts.

32:35Maria McErlane:But also granny knows full well that they don't get to eat this stuff at home. So this is her saying, when you come to me, it's always going to be a treat. And, you know, it's true. Children will go, yay, we're going to granny's. That means jam tarts and sweets and chocolates and crisps. Yeah. And they're not staying there all the time. So a day off here and there from their stringent diet with no sugar is not going to really hurt them.

33:00Graham Norton:And also, I feel like if they were getting really too much, they wouldn't just be a bit hyper, they'd be vomiting and stuff. You know what I mean? Because these are kids that don't get access to sugar. So, Ben, it's probably not as much as you think it is. Yes, it's more than you want them to have, but, you know, how often is it? And if it's that often, you should really think about your childcare because this is not a suitable place to... And start paying for it and see how you like that.

33:25Maria McErlane:Because I think children have a sort of natural way of kind of going, I don't want it anymore, especially if they never eat it. So they go, um, num, num, feel a bit sick now. Won't eat anymore. Yeah. Not me when I was young because we never had sweet things in the house. So whenever I went to somewhere, I would, you know, eat the whole packet.

33:43Graham Norton:And then be sick. And then be sick. Oh, who's that?

33:46Maria McErlane:Birthday parties were my favorite.

33:50Graham Norton:I used to hate, well, not hate birthday parties, but there were so many boring things to eat at birthday parties.

33:56Maria McErlane:Really? Like what? Sandwiches?

33:57Graham Norton:Sandwiches and buns and stupid things like that. Like, who wants them?

34:01Maria McErlane:Did you have turnips over?

34:04Graham Norton:Turnip cake, if you've not had it, it's delicious.

34:06Maria McErlane:Is it a hollowed out turnip with some icing in it? Ice cream. Turnip sorbet. When the kids were playing Pass the Parcel, which was good. Oh, yes. You'd eat the wrapping. I would be at the table shoveling Mr. Kipling's French fancies into my mouth, thinking I'm going to eat all this before I go home.

34:27Graham Norton:See, what a privileged childhood you had. Why? We didn't have Mr. Kipling or anything.

34:32Maria McErlane:No, but this was a birthday party.

34:33Graham Norton:Yeah, no, but even at birthday parties we wouldn't have had that stuff. It was all terrible home-baked crap that nobody wanted.

34:41Maria McErlane:Oh, your life must have been awful, Graham.

34:44Graham Norton:And slices of cake with like a little bit of jam, a little bit of cream in there. It was just terrible.

34:51Maria McErlane:But, I mean, ours wasn't because sugar is bad for you. Ours was because sugar and fancies like that were a luxury.

34:59Graham Norton:Yes. We could ill afford. Yes, well, of course, it was rationing at the time, so we didn't have access to it, did we?

35:06Maria McErlane:Well, we were saving up to buy a pony and track.

35:09Graham Norton:So we could get to the market town.

35:12Maria McErlane:To sell my sister. For food.

35:21Graham Norton:No one ever bought her.

35:22Maria McErlane:That was a sad thing.

35:23Graham Norton:Listen, I'm going to go to the Wang Gang now because, really, we've told Ben what we need to tell him.

35:28Maria McErlane:Yeah, we have. Julia says, How on earth did you get so uptight about this? She's their granny. This is exactly her job. And you'll all miss her when she's gone. Especially the kids. Take a chill pill. I like that phrase. Take a chill pill. Bryony says, a jam tart every now and then won't kill the kids. I think you can afford to be a little more lenient here. Thank you, Bryony.

35:54Graham Norton:And also, the other thing I think is you don't want your children to hate you. You know, because if... They're going to hate you anyway. But if they see you as kind of, you know, you don't allow us anything nice or fun or da-da-da. You know, like, oh, great, carrot sticks. Thanks. You know, they are going to love Granny more.

36:12Maria McErlane:Of course they are. They've contributed to this by kind of feast or famine in a way. And Granny knows that. Granny knows she can get around them with a jammed tart. Tom says, presumably when the kids are spending time with Granny, as you say, she's actually giving you some free time babysitting. Me thinks you should be a little more grateful and moan a little bit less. Quite right too, Tom. Grace says, I agree that this is not ideal. I had a friend who would give my son all sorts of cakes and things, and I just had a quiet word and asked her to stop. At the end of the day, I'm the one who has to deal with the child bouncing off the walls when we're trying to wind down towards bath time.

36:52Maria McErlane:Just spell it out to your mum and ask her to limit rather than stop all the treats she gives out.

36:59Graham Norton:I, you know, yes, there is sense to that. But I still, there's something in me that Ben should not be telling his mother how to look after children. Because Ben, Ben happened because of this mother.

37:14Maria McErlane:She's grinding your gears, isn't it?

37:16Graham Norton:It's just really rude to say to your mother, oh, by the way, you're terrible at looking after children.

37:22Maria McErlane:Yeah, free childcare. Yeah. Suck it up, Ben. Where's my wagon wheel? They're smaller than they used to be. Dane says, presumably your mum gave you all the rubbish food when you were growing up and you've turned out just fine. Don't overthink it. It's not a big deal.

37:39Graham Norton:Oh, do you know what I like about this? We're all on the same page. We are. All on the same sugary page. Thank you very much, everyone, for sending your responses to Ben. And thank you, Ben, for your dilemma. We're nearly out of here, but, ooh, I believe there's an am I weird in the offing. What is it today?

37:58Maria McErlane:Hi, Graham and Maria. Am I weird that I dip my chips and my burger into my milkshake? My kids think it's really odd. I think it's a taste sensation. Tell me I'm not alone. And that is from Frank. I have never tried it, Frank, dipping your chips and your burgers into a banana milkshake. I know we mix sweet and savory nowadays, but sogginess, I feel sogginess is the key here. That's not going to make it a tea.

38:26Graham Norton:But also, it's not the sweet and the savoury or the sogginess. It's the difference of temperature. I don't want to dip a hot thing into a cold thing.

38:35Maria McErlane:So if you had a cup of tea, that would be all right?

38:37Graham Norton:Oh, that would be delicious.

38:38Maria McErlane:No!

38:39Graham Norton:Now you're talking. Well, actually, do you know what? That would be quite nice. Burger buns soaked in hot tea. Ugh! Mmm.

38:46Maria McErlane:Soggy burger bun. That's not nice at all. But also, Frank, how did you come up with this?

38:53Graham Norton:You know what I mean? I mean, because no one else, I'm afraid, Frank, you asked to say, you're not alone. You're alone.

39:00Maria McErlane:Well, we don't know, do we?

39:01Graham Norton:I'm sure the wangers will tell us.

39:03Maria McErlane:I'm pretty sure Frank's alone. I think Frank was sitting in a burger joint one day, was a bit bored, was just eating his chips, and there was his cup of milkshake there, and he was just going, hmm. Hmm. That's, oh, my goodness, why have I never tried that before?

39:18Graham Norton:He might have run out of ketchup and was too lazy to go back to the dispenser. and just say, I'll try this other cold liquid on the table.

39:26Maria McErlane:I'm laughing at ketchup dispenser there. That's making me amused.

39:30Graham Norton:I love the ketchup. Because with the little cup thing.

39:34Maria McErlane:Yes.

39:35Graham Norton:I used to love those.

39:36Maria McErlane:But don't they now give you sachets? I don't know. I haven't been in a fast foodie for ever.

39:39Graham Norton:I haven't been in a while, you know, because my body's a temple.

39:42Maria McErlane:And mind you, I never eat sweet things. No, ever. Not a French fancy has passed my lip since I was 10 years old.

39:48Graham Norton:I wish Ben would adopt me. It's the food I long for. I mean, do you have any weird food combos in your life? Are there odd things you eat?

39:57Maria McErlane:Well, I quite like, I am quite a big fan of the sweet and savory, so I quite like cheese with jam. Really? Yeah, and I mean, I think it started when I went to America and you have bacon with maple syrup on a pancake.

40:08Graham Norton:Ew.

40:09Maria McErlane:And then cream.

40:10Graham Norton:Oh, that's, yeah, horrible.

40:13Maria McErlane:No?

40:13Graham Norton:No. You? Nothing like that, I don't think. I'm trying to think. I mean, when I was growing up, my mother used to make us sugar sandwiches. Did she? Yeah. White bread, butter, sugar, pop another bit of bread, slice it. I mean, Ben. I know. Try my mother being your granny.

40:35Maria McErlane:But did we used to get hyper when we were children? Can you remember being hyper after a sugar sandwich, for example?

40:41Graham Norton:No, because I think we were so full of additives and colors and, you know, all that sort of stuff that it didn't touch the sides.

40:48Maria McErlane:I think you're right.

40:49Graham Norton:It's like I can drink coffee and go to bed because, you know, I drink so much coffee. I think I'm constantly wired.

40:54Maria McErlane:Well, also, you're a Duracell bunny that just goes and goes and goes and goes, regardless of what you're putting into your mouth. And then I can be talking.

41:04Graham Norton:Will you put that in writing? Yes.

41:07Maria McErlane:But then I can be talking to you in the back of a taxi when we've been to see something. Oh, yes. And, you know, I thought that play was very good, don't you? You're just, you can sleep anywhere.

41:17Graham Norton:Oh, particularly at the theatre. Oh, I went to a lovely one the other night where it was an hour and a half to no interval to wake me up or anything. I slept right through. It was gorgeous.

41:28Maria McErlane:But you were writing a review about it, Graham.

41:32Graham Norton:Very restful.

41:33Maria McErlane:I notice you're not telling us what it was. No, I'm not going to do that. No, that's a kindness, isn't it?

41:38Graham Norton:That would be a terrible thing to reveal.

41:40Maria McErlane:What about chocolate and cheese? Oh, no, no. Because now there's a thing about adding chocolate to everything. But do you dunk? Do I dunk? What, biscuits?

41:49Graham Norton:Anything. Because this guy, he's dipping chips and burgers in milkshake. A croissant in a coffee. Lovely. Biscuits in coffee always. But I feel like in the office when I do this, the young people look at me like I'm disgusting. Maybe that was before the coffee arrived.

42:08Maria McErlane:Why are you dunking in front of young people? Because we're having a coffee break. Oh, I see. I think if you want to do that and they think you're disgusting, and go to your room.

42:17Graham Norton:No, no, no. I'm in the office. I don't think they're in my office. All right. Let's call it what it is.

42:23Maria McErlane:So you're discussing the show and dunking. Yeah. And they're all going,

42:26Graham Norton:oh, look at him.

42:28Maria McErlane:He's got it all in his beard.

42:30Graham Norton:Oh, dribbly old man covered in crumbs.

42:34Maria McErlane:Well, you know,

42:36Graham Norton:it is what it is, Graham. Get used to it. And then they step over me and leave.

42:44Maria McErlane:They normally leave money in your hat, though, don't they?

42:47Graham Norton:if they know what's good for them.

42:51Maria McErlane:So are we saying weird? More quinoa, Daddy. Are we saying weird or not weird to Frank?

42:56Graham Norton:Do you know what? I'm going to say weird because I think it may be a taste sensation, but I don't think it's a taste sensation anybody wants to experience. Mind you, we haven't tried it.

43:06Maria McErlane:No, that is true. I might try it, actually, before next time. Oh, yes. If I don't arrive, you'll know why.

43:13Graham Norton:Turns out you were allergic.

43:15Maria McErlane:I'm going to say not weird because we're all individuals, Frank, and it takes us all to make a world.

43:22Graham Norton:Those are beautiful words. Frank, I think you are weird. There. I think that'll do it for today's episode. Maria, your parting words, please.

43:30Maria McErlane:Yes. We're not experts. How often do I have to keep saying that? Every time. Okay. We're not experts, but if you do want proper help with your weirdness of burger dipping, you can start with the info on our Instagram, which is at wangingon. But if you do want us to debate a problem for you, just email us at wangingon at listen.co.uk. We'd love to hear from you.

43:54Graham Norton:Wanging On with Graham and Maria is a Listen production. We'll see you next week. Goodbye, everybody.