Graham and Maria DIVIDED over Lawn Mowing Drama

5:47Maria McErlane:Yeah.

5:48Graham Norton:Yeah. Oh, you poor darling, you suffered so much.

5:50Maria McErlane:I remember once saying to the priest, is heaven full of Catholics or are there Protestants there too?

5:57Graham Norton:And I think I know his answer.

6:00Maria McErlane:He did. He was quite progressive. Father Eshle said, no, there are all denominations. I'm afraid to say. We have Jewish people, we have Muslim people. And I said, but how does God differentiate all of that? And he said he doesn't. I found it very difficult to understand the notion of God.

6:17Graham Norton:Yes, or heaven. And heaven. Yes. Yeah. I've got to be good over that. Yeah. And did you do anything in your school holidays when you were a kid? We didn't really have any money. But you rode your bike around the place.

6:29Maria McErlane:I rode my bike, yeah. Shoplift, get into trouble. Yeah, of course. Kiss boys. Yeah, kiss boys behind the car. Yeah, no, lots of things like that. Occasionally we would have jam sandwiches and a packet of bacon crisps and a bottle of water that we would take down to the canal on a picnic.

6:44Graham Norton:See, I think that's very progressive. Why? We never drank water. Did you not? No, it would be water in something. It would be like terrible. Squash. Just like now, just like how did we drink that? But yeah, we would never drink actual water. It would always have a bit of squash in it or something.

7:00Maria McErlane:Yeah, but now you drink water.

7:02Graham Norton:Yes, because it's so modern.

7:04Maria McErlane:No, people do say that, don't they? We didn't have bottle of water in my day.

7:07Graham Norton:No.

7:07Maria McErlane:I used to quite often go out, if I was watching The Man from Uncle or something like that when I was very young, and go out and make toffee. So toffee was consisted of sugar, obviously, and then a bit of butter and maybe a bit of milk if you wanted it a bit more creamy. And it's really, really easy to make. Sometimes I'd forget and it would just burn and stick to the side of the pan. But I would just make it and then pour it onto a baking tray and then present it to everybody in the living room.

7:32Graham Norton:Oh, and they were so happy.

7:34Maria McErlane:You know, my mother would say, we haven't got enough butter for that.

7:39Graham Norton:You boring bitch.

7:40Maria McErlane:Did you use all the butter? And who are you? Get out of my house.

7:47Maria McErlane:Have I told you you're adopted?

7:51Graham Norton:I must.

7:53Maria McErlane:Yes, remind me sometime.

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8:38Graham Norton:I voted for this topping. Yeah, just another perk of being a member. Come join us. Sam's Club. Sure.

8:48Graham Norton:Maria, Maria, how do wangers get these episodes as soon as they drop?

8:52Maria McErlane:Oh, well, you see, Graham, you can tap follow on Spotify or subscribe on YouTube or your podcast app of choice. Totally free. Plus on Spotify, you can tap the little bell icon and then you get notified when a new episode drops.

9:09Graham Norton:They really have thought of everything. What a world, Maria.

9:11Maria McErlane:That's every Monday, by the way.

9:14Graham Norton:Maria?

9:14Maria McErlane:Yes? Oh, you have a letter. Dear Graham and Maria, I've recently moved to the US for work. One day I came home and the neighbour was cutting our lawn. Now, I'll admit it was overgrown, but I had booked a gardener to come a few days later. I spoke to the neighbour in a friendly way, showing my appreciation and telling them, Not to worry, as I've scheduled someone to come and cut it. Recently, I came home to find them cutting it again. It didn't need it. My dilemma is, in conversation, they've dropped hints about chipping in for petrol. I didn't ask them to cut the grass, so I don't think I owe them anything.

9:53Maria McErlane:Should I just be neighbourly, get over it, and give them cash for the lawnmower petrol? Love the show. That's from Janet. Somewhere in America, with a very handy neighbour.

10:04Graham Norton:And very quick-growing grass.

10:07Maria McErlane:Quick-growing grass. I would say, Janet, isn't it one less thing to worry about or to have to make a call about to get the landscaper in? Why not just let the neighbour do it? And it's going to be cheaper than getting someone to come, especially, oh, Graham is disagreeing with me, just, you know, there's a neighbour. He's nice. You don't want to fall out with your neighbour. You might need your neighbour at some point. It's very important never to fall out with your neighbours. That way madness lies. Let him do it. Bung him a bit of cash, because obviously he needs the cash or he wouldn't have asked.

10:40Maria McErlane:How much can it cost in petrol for him to mow your lawn? I'm guessing it's not massive.

10:44Graham Norton:No, and look, here's the thing. Oh, Graham disagrees. Well, I do, because whatever about the price, the emotional cost of the neighbour mowing your lawn is too high. And clearly, as you... Does it say that? No, I'm saying it, because that thing about, oh, dropping hints towards the petrol, Clearly, it's about, you know, what, 10p worth of petrol to mow the lawn. It's, he wants appreciation. He wants the love. And cut this off now. Wow. Just say, thank you so much for doing this. Do I owe you anything for petrol to this point? He can say what he wants. If he says yes, you give him the money. And then you make it very clear, I have a gardener.

11:27Maria McErlane:She's already made it clear and he came back and cut the lawn anyway.

11:30Graham Norton:The end of the money is now. I've given you the money. If you want to keep cutting my lawn, you're an idiot because I'm never going to say thank you. I'm never going to give you money for it.

11:41Maria McErlane:But I'm glad you're my neighbor. I might need you someday. Well, to do what?

11:45Graham Norton:Mow the lawn?

11:45Maria McErlane:No. Help save me when my place is on fire and I'm unconscious.

11:50Graham Norton:Covered in petrol. You don't want him near it.

11:52Maria McErlane:He set the fire.

11:53Graham Norton:Yeah, he started it. He's loaded with petrol after all that money you gave him. Yeah, he's overbought. It was a storage facility out the back. You never know when petrol is going to go up in price, Graham,

12:05Maria McErlane:as we know at the moment.

12:06Graham Norton:I just think, Janet, you need to find a way to politely knock this on the head. I think you kind of go, oh, so-and-so is a friend. They run this gardening thing. I promised the work to them. So do you mind not doing it? I know it's so easy for you when you're out with your lawnmower just to do my bit, but can you just not? Because otherwise I'm paying this guy for nothing because he is going to come and do it.

12:29Maria McErlane:No, the guy is costing quite a lot of money who she's getting to do it. The man is mowing the lawn. Your lawn is there. He mows your lawn. If you give him a few dollars...

12:40Graham Norton:No, because you've let him into your life then.

12:42Maria McErlane:You've let him onto your lawn, that's all.

12:45Graham Norton:No, into your life. Because he wants you... Are you saying where will it end? Well, it's just that he now wants Janet to be grateful. And I just want to punch him in the face. Get off my grass.

12:58Maria McErlane:I love how these problems seem to trigger something in you.

13:01Graham Norton:I find that really passive aggressive and annoying. That like, oh, well, you know, because all he's really saying to Janet is, you're a lazy cow, look at your grass and look at me now. I'm sweating and I'm having to do this. Give me some money to your petrol because you're mean as well.

13:19Maria McErlane:We don't know anything.

13:20Graham Norton:You're mean and ungrateful.

13:21Maria McErlane:We don't know anything about this man.

13:23Graham Norton:We do. we know he's the sort of person who unasked comes and cuts your lawn that is not a nice person

13:31Maria McErlane:I feel if I keep jabbing you I could wind you up into such a position that you will stab me through the heart

13:38Graham Norton:and this was the final episode it'll be just somebody else we're hanging on with Graham and insert name here

13:46Maria McErlane:there'll be me there crossed out

13:48Graham Norton:just scribbled on the face Mel Gidroyk sitting here instead Hang on, we're Graham and Mel. It's all fine. See, it rings. It rings. New merch.

14:05Graham Norton:I just feel, I'm totally with Janet. She doesn't want this man cutting her grass. She doesn't.

14:12Maria McErlane:I think you are making a problem when there isn't one. And also, you know, anyway, anyway, we disagree, which is absolutely fine, because I don't really like you very much anyway. And I'm right. And you're right in your head. So let's see what the wangers have to say. Lisa, you didn't ask your neighbour to cut your grass, so you don't owe them anything. Not even money for petrol. Speak with the neighbour's spouse or other family member, I don't think he has one, who may be able to get through to the person cutting the grass. If nothing else works, send them a certified letter in the mail asking them to stop and to let them know there are liability issues with them being on your property without permission.

14:55Maria McErlane:You see, this is how wars start.

14:57Graham Norton:I do feel Lisa has slightly escalated the problem. My thing was just got to go, oh, by the way, I do have a gardener and I don't want to pay him to do nothing. So please don't cut my lawn.

15:07Maria McErlane:Debbie says, this is infuriating. This neighbour assumes that you need to be shown how it's done or is trying too hard to be friendly. Write in a vicious sounding letter. What is wrong with everyone? write an officious sounding letter

15:21Graham Norton:they don't agree with you exactly

15:23Maria McErlane:that's what's wrong with them write an officious sounding letter saying that if said neighbour comes onto your grass again and mows it then there will be court proceedings against them to force them to stop be frosty and ignore them completely until you are ready to say hello

15:39Graham Norton:I feel Lisa and Debbie have both

15:41Maria McErlane:I'm being frosty I'm not ready to say hello

15:45Graham Norton:hello hello that's like that's yeah that both of them have...

15:51Maria McErlane:Both of them are you. Well, no, no. That's who both of them are.

15:53Graham Norton:Because I'm not escalating the problem like that. I'm not writing letters saying I'm going to sue you.

15:57Maria McErlane:In a minute, if I'd have prodded you more, you would have stabbed me and then written a letter. No.

16:02Graham Norton:Could someone please take this body away? Anymore for anymore. Anymore for anymore.

16:07Maria McErlane:I like being prostitute and ignoring them until you're ready to say hello. I'm not ready. I am not ready to say hello. Christy in Louisiana.

16:15Graham Norton:You let the grass grow. I'm ready to clear through the grass. I'm ready. Hello!

16:22Graham Norton:Finally. A forest of weeds. I'm... God's in Livingston, I presume.

16:33Maria McErlane:Christy in Louisiana says, I find this odd, and I am actually from the US. I would sure, just to let us know, I would sure not give this trigger-happy grass cutter one cent. Everyone's on your side. Sounds like he's looking for extra cash. Be friendly but firm. If he hints again about payment, tell him you have it under contract with another landscaper for mowing.

16:57Graham Norton:Yeah, I think that's absolutely right. You just say it's under contract and I know it's easy for you to do it, but if you could stop, that would be do me a huge favour.

17:07Maria McErlane:She's asked him that once already. And we've got a voice note. It's Keegan in there in Glasgow.

17:12Graham Norton:Home of the grass. Home of the grass. Absolutely not. You're not paying for their petrol. You didn't hire their services and you didn't commission some sort of lawn care subscription fee. So if they choose to play weekend gardener, then that is entirely on them. But I would keep things friendly. Maybe a wee bottle of wine as a thank you. And when you hand it over to them, just gently say, look, please don't worry about that in the future. I've got a gardener booked. That keeps the peace. It keeps the neighbours sweet as well. Even those who have far too much time on their hands. Like Keegan. No, that's good.

17:42Graham Norton:A bottle of wine is really good. But you see, you want him to, it's weird that you think it's good to keep him mowing your grass.

17:49Maria McErlane:I'm just very lazy. And also, I know that he's a little bit lonely and doesn't have anything to do with his life and feels like it helps in some way. And if I give him$10 or whatever he's asking for his petrol, that stops me having to call the landscaper and pay$80 for him to cut my lawn. I think mine is more of a fiscal.

18:14Graham Norton:No, but he'll be over there suddenly doing window boxes. Or, you know, he'll be... You are inviting this man in by agreeing to this arrangement.

18:25Maria McErlane:But I think when you say he'll be over there, you know, doing window boxes, let's jump off that bridge when we get to it, Graham.

18:31Graham Norton:But we're on the bridge now.

18:33Maria McErlane:No, you're projecting on a possibility of what could happen. It might just be the lawn and the end. and a lonely thing and then you can sometimes take a cake round.

18:44Graham Norton:I don't know how you got to this point in your life and not think this guy is going to become a huge pain in the ass.

18:50Maria McErlane:Graham, I have other problems which are much more serious to contemplate.

18:55Graham Norton:And no law.

18:56Maria McErlane:Yeah, largely, largely all the felonies and the court proceedings that I'm coming up against soon.

19:06Maria McErlane:Flick says, cut out the middleman, pay your neighbour less than you were going to pay your gardener and enjoy having one less thing to worry about. Thank you, Flick.

19:17Graham Norton:We found one loon. Called Flick. To balance the books.

19:22Maria McErlane:Oh, my goodness.

19:24Graham Norton:I have to say, Janet, though, she's lucky that this is the biggest problem in her life. It's quite a nice problem to have. Oh, well, exactly. My grass is too cut.

19:32Maria McErlane:Yeah. My grass is too short. What do I do? Wait for it to grow.

19:38Graham Norton:And there is another dilemma waiting to be solved, and that'll be read aloud very soon.

20:06Maria McErlane:and keep moving.

20:08Graham Norton:Now, Maria, I don't know about you, but I hate it when a website is really clunky when you go to pay. Like, how many times have you just abandoned online purchases? Never. Really? Oh, I do all the time. Yes, I do. I do. I do. Someone told me most things on the internet are just sitting in shopping baskets on board.

20:27Maria McErlane:Yeah, I think there's too many things to have to fill in, this, that, and the other.

20:31Graham Norton:Why do you have to prove you're not a robot? I mean, are robot shopaholics? Do they have a problem? Must they be stopped?

20:37Maria McErlane:I feel I have to prove that I'm not a traffic light. I am not one of these things in the pictures.

20:43Graham Norton:Well, Shopify checkout means more customers actually buy. And returning ones can do it in a single click, which leaves you with more time to focus on growing your business.

20:53Maria McErlane:Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide, from some of the world's biggest brands to small businesses just getting started. All you need is the idea. Shopify handles the rest. Start your free trial at shopify.co.uk. Oh, look, letter number two you've got. I know, is it time? Yeah, but we're doing a second one. Okay. Yeah. All right. Do you want to do a second one? No, no, no, if you want to do a second one. I mean, how are you feeling? No, no, no, no. Listen, I'll chip in for petrol. I'm very happy to. It's easier for me. I don't have to get somebody else in to listen to the letter.

21:27Graham Norton:Okay, then.

21:28Maria McErlane:Ryland was coming in today. Okay, dear Graham and Maria, Myself and my husband have two little boys, and my brother and sister-in-law have two little girls. You have to follow this, Graham. It's like a Bible story. Yeah. Cut them in half, said Jesus.

21:47Graham Norton:Mix and match.

21:49Maria McErlane:They're all around the same age, and we all get on well. But there's one thing that drives me nuts. Oh, great.

21:55Graham Norton:I am a very... I like this person. Drives me nuts.

22:04Maria McErlane:I'm worried about your blood pressure now, Graham. I am a very content mum. I adore my little boys. I would love a girl too. And we are planning a third child. Not with the intention to go for a baby girl, but because we've always wanted three kids. Okay? Is that clear? Every single time I see my sister-in-law, she says something along the lines of, oh, wouldn't you just love a girl? Or, I think you'd really love a girl. She has said this during both of my pregnancies with boys and a sort of a nah, nah, nah way of saying, wouldn't you love a girl? I have too. Things that people get really stroppy about.

22:43Maria McErlane:This drives her nuts. Every time she says it, I want to scream. I would love a girl, but above all, I want a happy, healthy child, which I say to her every time she brings this up. How can I say something to stop her from taunting me at every family occasion? I look forward to hearing what you and the wangers have to say. Thank you. And that is from Anon. Here's the thing, Anon. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Here is the thing. I think this is quite a difficult subject for you. I do think that, you know, you would like a girl, and it's okay to say that, and it's okay to feel that, and it's okay to feel disappointed, but you still love your child anyway.

23:24Maria McErlane:The way you stop your sister-in-law saying this is to say, actually, you know what, girl's name, it's quite difficult for me. It is quite difficult for me because I would love a girl, but I don't want to turn it into a big thing. But it is a difficult one. So I'd really appreciate it if we could give that a swerve.

23:47Graham Norton:Yeah, that's good. Yeah. I think, yeah, pretend to be emotional about it and make her feel awkward and embarrassed.

23:53Maria McErlane:I think actually Anon is a bit emotional about it because, you know, if you've got two boys and you probably do want a girl, it's a bit of a lottery. But, you know, it's a 50-50 chance. That's how it works. So you get what you get and you want a happy and healthy child. But this is yanking your chain. It's grinding your gears. And I think she knows that it is. And so that's why she's doing it more. So if you kind of put a bit of emotion in there and a real reason, which you may or may not feel, why she should stop, then I think that would work.

24:23Graham Norton:And also, what's weird is a creature who's doing it, you know, just say, oh, what a shame you're incapable of having boys. You know, because...

24:33Maria McErlane:No, don't fight fire with fire. You know what I mean?

24:35Graham Norton:But it's weird that she also has single-sex babies, but thinks this is all right. I just think when someone is pregnant or anything, or thinking about getting pregnant or something, just people have this weird thing. They feel it's all right to wade in.

24:54Maria McErlane:To comment or to feel your stomach.

24:56Graham Norton:Yes, have opinions and go, oh, when are you planning a little brother and sister? You're like, you know, let's play the fuck off game. You fuck off. Yeah. Because it's just not appropriate. Because as we're finding out here, it's an absolute kind of hornet's nest of emotions where I want a healthy, happy baby. We want three children. We're not doing it in order to have a girl. If it was a girl, it would be lovely. But it's so much is going on. And then this woman, who's also a mother, thinks it's okay to kind of wade in with a kind of jokey one-upmanship thing. It's so inappropriate.

25:35Maria McErlane:I think it's a very difficult one around children and around, you know, couples get married and then, you know, Auntie Betsy says, when you're having babies then, you don't know anything about their lives and about what's going on and if they're having difficulties and then you feel a fall if you do. I mean, you and I get, well, maybe I get it more, the thing of, do you have children? People want to kind of justify their choice to have children. And so, you know, I just used to say no and then, but now to stop any further inquiry, when people say, do you have any children? And I say, no, sadly.

26:13Maria McErlane:And that stops it. Because they kind of go, whoa. Reel it in. Don't want to open a can of worms. There is no can of worms. But really, you know, keep your trunk out.

26:25Graham Norton:I do try to keep my trunk out. I remember I met a woman and we were with another friend and I overheard them talking. And I thought she was talking about having a child. and so I just went, oh, you know, later on, I kind of said, oh, have you a kid? You know, I didn't care. I was just trying to be polite.

26:43Maria McErlane:You were making conversation. Yeah, making conversation. Small talk indeed.

26:46Graham Norton:I said, do you have a kid? Assuming she did. And she just went, no. And I felt awful that I'd asked.

26:54Maria McErlane:Could you feel the sadness?

26:55Graham Norton:Well, I felt, yes, I could feel that it was not an appropriate question to ask this lady. That's awful. And it turned out it was her dog. She had a dog. And so that was fine. I was able to talk about the dog and I was far more interested in the dog. Yeah, of course. But you just, you know, in that moment, that's why you mustn't ask these questions because you've no idea what that no meant. Did the no meant God know or no, we do not or no, I wanted them but my husband didn't. No, it's so much as in that no.

27:27Maria McErlane:Yeah, when people say, do you have to order? No, you see, the thing is we've been trying for five years. I've had 19 goes at IVF and my husband, it seems, has no sperm.

27:35Graham Norton:Yeah. Another drink. Yeah, because, you know that thing where people kind of, you know, I think people do know to do this less now, but, you know, asking someone if they're pregnant or, you know, that kind of thing.

27:49Maria McErlane:Oh, because they're fat.

27:50Graham Norton:Yeah, or if they're just an odd shape.

27:53Maria McErlane:Yeah.

27:54Graham Norton:Yeah, bad.

27:54Maria McErlane:We're not allowed to say fat anymore anyway.

27:56Graham Norton:I didn't say it. I think we can say pregnant. I said odd shape.

27:59Maria McErlane:I think we can say pregnant. I would say a lot of the world is pregnant right now.

28:02Graham Norton:My mother-in-law is so pregnant. Shall we see?

28:06Maria McErlane:Look, I put all my things away. Shall we?

28:09Graham Norton:You've got to unpack your school bag.

28:12Maria McErlane:Shall we see what the wangers have to say? I was thinking, oh, this is the last question today.

28:18Graham Norton:No, but I think you are right. You have to kind of be emotional with your sister-in-law so she knows this is not a jokey subject.

28:28Maria McErlane:Because you've tried everything else. in a way, you know, that you've tried the jokey response.

28:33Graham Norton:I hate the sister-in-law.

28:34Maria McErlane:Yeah, well, you've hated a lot of people today.

28:36Graham Norton:Well, I'm with justification.

28:38Maria McErlane:That's all I can say.

28:38Graham Norton:I'm just on the side of the people who've written in.

28:40Maria McErlane:I am too, really. And also, it's just a stupid thing of the sister-in-law to do. And I think all of us could take this. Think before you ask a question. Just think about potential embarrassment that you will feel.

28:54Graham Norton:And also, I do think, particularly around fertility, about babies. do not wade in in a kind of small talk way. There is no small talk around babies. It's all big talk. Because you don't know what you're wading into.

29:06Maria McErlane:Jamie in Cheltenham says, I think maybe it's time to accept the fact that you do want a girl. You've said it twice yourself. Don't think there's anything wrong with people admitting they have a preference. I hate to say it, but perhaps you get so annoyed by her saying it because there is some truth in it. I also feel that the best way to stop her from going on about it is to go along with it Just agree with her. Say that you would love a girl. I know it feels like admitting defeat, but I think it would get her off your back. No, it wouldn't. She would just keep doing it. You have to bring up some genuine emotion that it's hurtful and painful, and you will weep, and you will get your husband to kill her.

29:43Graham Norton:Yeah, that kind of thing.

29:45Maria McErlane:Yeah.

29:45Graham Norton:Death threats are really... Oh, do you know what? They're the best solution.

29:48Maria McErlane:I think they're underused these days.

29:50Graham Norton:And also, I feel like a lot of agony people don't suggest them.

29:54Maria McErlane:I know. Well, that's what makes us, taking glasses off, that's what makes us different, you see, Graham. Yeah. We're not afraid to go there. No. We're not afraid to go illegal. Yeah.

30:05Graham Norton:If you go to our Instagram, there's links to hitmen.

30:11Maria McErlane:Wouldn't that be fabulous? Oh, my God.

30:14Graham Norton:Gary the gloves, Mickey the hat.

30:17Maria McErlane:When I lived in Camberwell and I went down the Orkamp Road, I did meet people like Gary the hat who said we'll do it for 300 quid. Wow.

30:25Graham Norton:Wow. Mind you then, that was a lot of money.

30:27Maria McErlane:Yeah, I don't know who it was I wanted bumping off though. It might have been you, I can't remember. Anyway, Jacob in Phoenix, Arizona says, this is probably the less mature route, really. But next time she says it, I would look her in the eyes and go, I know, you've said it several times. Though it's probably wiser to suggest you sit down and have an honest conversation with her. Sometimes you're just done. it's not rude but it sends a strong message thank you for that Jacob I think actually

30:58Graham Norton:both of those are right you could have the long conversation but to just stare her out and go to go yeah I'm aware you have said that several times and then just leave it hanging there and have to be embarrassed and awkward

31:10Maria McErlane:we've got all over the world today we've got Bruce in Toronto saying maybe her sister-in-law is projecting because she wants a boy easy fix here why would you say that make her defend her statement that should shut her up. Why would you say that? Because it's true, probably. Jono. We've had Jono before. In Elgin, Scotland. The same one. A regular wanger. I nearly said that wrong. I feel you need to suck it up and just take it. Just smile through it or just keep doing what you're doing and saying to her that I really don't mind. Of course, I'd love a girl. You know this, but my body will make what it makes.

31:49Maria McErlane:Love the podcast, you legends.

31:52Graham Norton:That could be possibly merch. My body will make what it makes.

32:00Graham Norton:Oh, look what my body's made. Do you want it? Is that a boy or a girl?

32:09Maria McErlane:I'm putting it on vintage straight away.

32:14Graham Norton:I can't find anything to finish.

32:21Maria McErlane:my body's made this happy now

32:31Maria McErlane:that's terrible oh my goodness oh my goodness I know I don't think I'm going to go back to this don't just smile through it I mean really just you know no longer suck it up and take it just say no I'm very much against sucking it up these days oh are you? those days have gone my sucking it up days have gone

32:56Graham Norton:I still like to step up to a plate though

32:58Maria McErlane:I like that and I still quite like taking a cake round to the neighbor no

33:02Graham Norton:that was never good advice it still isn't Anonymous thank you so much for that problem I think that will have resonated with a lot of people so do check out the comments because people will leave their experiences and advice down there. If you have a dilemma you'd like to share, the email address is wangingon at listen.co.uk, which is also where you send the question, Am I weird? Am I weird? Lovely.

33:28Maria McErlane:Lovely. Today's Am I weird is an anonymous submission.

33:32Graham Norton:It better be good.

33:33Maria McErlane:I hope it's illegal. Hi, Graham and Maria. I declutter my home by leaving things at other people's houses. It's always very selected, curated things, not bags of clothing or piles of crap, items people aren't likely to even notice for a very long time. I will leave books, single dishes or mugs, food containers, decorative items, unwanted gifts, etc. I'll do this only once at each house and will put the stuff somewhere that's not obvious. Am I weird?

34:11Graham Norton:It's very rare that I say this, but yes. Normally I'm very non-judgmental. I kind of go, you're not weird. Me too. That is fucking weird.

34:19Maria McErlane:Well, you see, part of my kind of, you know, inner psychologist is thinking, what is that about? Is that about, you know, wanting to invade somebody's house with your things?

34:32Graham Norton:Or is it their bins are only collected every two weeks?

34:36Maria McErlane:Oh, yeah. It could be that. But that is a peculiar thing because if you, I don't know how long you've been doing this, Anonymous, but you must be running out of, you know, decorative pieces and unwanted gifts.

34:48Graham Norton:But also, how many houses do you go to? I don't visit that many houses.

34:51Maria McErlane:Well, I think he's a Jehovah Witness and he goes around canvassing.

34:58Graham Norton:I'd like to speak to you about Jesus and leave this mug tree.

35:03Maria McErlane:While I'm here, I've got a book by Jilly Cooper. You'll never find it. It's in your downstairs loo, by the way. It is an odd thing to do. And, you know, we've left it at that. And I want to know what they say to you when they find it.

35:20Graham Norton:I mean, because really, I mean, yes, you're right. There is something odd because why do it? Because there are, you know, you can go to bric-a-brac stalls. You can go to church sales. You know, there are places to bring all this crap you don't want.

35:34Maria McErlane:Well, that's why I'm thinking the thought process behind it is that you want to sort of be part of their lives or, you know, make your mark in some way in their house and show that, you know. And have a secret. Leroy has been here type of thing. And have a secret that you've got one over on them in some way. So I think, A, a visit to a psychologist and B, yes, weird.

36:00Graham Norton:I mean, I do sometimes find things in the house that I don't know where they came from. What? I don't know where they came from. Really? Yeah.

36:07Maria McErlane:Anonymous.

36:08Graham Norton:Yes. I wonder if it's, maybe that's why it's anonymous, because we know them.

36:11Maria McErlane:I mean, it is a funny thing, because most people know what's in their house. Yes. So if I was in my house, and I went, where did that come from? Or where did that book come from? Or where did that decorative lady holding a candle come from? You know, I would go, what the hell? And then whoever had been to my house last, I would find them, and then I would kill them.

36:31Graham Norton:Thought I knew that's what was going to happen to them. It's a tale as old as time.

36:36Maria McErlane:Well, the good thing is we've got a list of hitmen on our Instagram site. So for me, you see, you know, I get a cheaper rate because I'm giving them publicity. Very good.

36:47Graham Norton:With that, we are at the end of this particular episode of Wanging On with Graham and Maria. Maria?

36:53Maria McErlane:Yes. What I want to say from my heart is that we're absolutely not experts. And if you really do need expert advice on any of the problems you've heard today, or indeed any ones you're not prepared to send in or indeed talk about, then go to our Instagram page, which is at wangingon, and you will find some channels that may or may not be helpful and also the number of some hitmen.

37:17Graham Norton:Thank you for that. At wangingon with Graham Maria is a platform media production.

37:24Maria McErlane:Did you forget?

37:24Graham Norton:Yes, I did. I knew somebody made it.

37:28Maria McErlane:Yeah, but I've never known who they are. it's been a mystery to me for some years they're always in this room I know

37:35Graham Norton:always in this room the same people I know

37:37Maria McErlane:every time we do it

37:39Graham Norton:I wonder if they'll be here next week for a brand new episode see you then bye

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