GRAHAM & MARIA REUNITE!

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2:22And welcome to our shiny new podcast, Wanging On with myself, Graham. And look, it's Maria, reunited. Hello.

2:29Maria McErlane:It's been so long. What's your name again? I know, really. It has been a very long time. People who know us, Wanging On. Yes, yes, yes. Apparently they asked for this. They did. They did. In their droves. Five or six. Yeah. And people who don't know us and are wanging on. Oh, yeah, that's a good point. Yes. So we were on the radio for, what, 13 years? That is correct. That's an unlucky number, though, isn't it? It is. That's why we carried on. Yes, this is now 14. Once we've done 14, we're off again. So Radio 2 for 10 and then Virgin for 3 and then stop. But we continue to want to wang on. People claim they wanted us to wang on, so we're doing it now.

3:05Maria McErlane:And it's essentially problem solving. It's wanging on and then some problem solving and then a bit more wanging on. I mean, nothing much has changed, frankly. No. It's just us gossiping as we would, especially as I haven't seen you for quite a while. Oh, hello, Rafi. We should say there's a dog here. Yes, I had to bring my dog because my dog sitter has selfishly gone on holiday. I mean, really? God. Rafi's the name of the dog. So if you see a small dog, we know it's here. Flitting about the place. Do you feel at all qualified to give advice? Well, I think the reason that I was brought in in the first place all those years ago, back in the 1950s, was because you and I would love to go out for dinner or to a party or whatever.

3:46Maria McErlane:And then we would always, always do a sort of post-mortem. Yes. And that normally involved picking everyone apart, couples, how long we thought they'd got together before they split up, etc., etc. And kind of that was a pleasure and we were both quite good at it. We were both through this at the end of our discussion. It's like, yes, we have solved the problems of the world. I have this thing where it makes my blood freeze when somebody goes, I'll always remember what you told me. Oh, my goodness. And you always go, oh, no, what have I said? I had two friends and they bought this really fancy penthouse apartment way, way, way in North London, right?

4:26And they were describing to me and I went, oh, how lovely. What a gorgeous view you must have of where you used to live. And they sold it.

4:34Maria McErlane:Oh, my goodness. I mean, you have power because you're on the television as well. So people doubly believe what you say, whereas I know that most of it is a load of BS. But do you like people taking your advice or do you feel terrible responsibility? It's quite different. Rafi is just devouring a flapjack. Rafi? He's run off behind the set. Excellent. Interestingly. Wanging on, coming live from Longleaf Safari Park. Oh, there he is. Where is he? The flapjack is now gone. Yes, I was just about to tell you something very interesting there. That was exciting. Well, it kind of got our heartbeat going, didn't it?

5:13I've got some advice. Don't bring your dog.

5:16Maria McErlane:I don't think I will anymore. So over the years, Maria, of reading out all these letters from the great British public, what are the themes? What are the things that really bother people? Well, people say to me there's only so many problems, and I think that's wrong. I think there are so many problems, loads of problems. And as the world changes, technology, AI, et cetera, so do the problems. But I think the most common one is that people don't communicate. The lack of communication. The more difficult the subject, the more we're prepared to put our head in the sand about it. What do you feel about that?

5:50The big thing I've noticed about all the letters is often people don't really recognise what their problem is. Can you remember one of those ones? Well, in my head is a story my dog trainer told me. And so she got called out by a couple because their dog was jumping up on the kitchen counter and it was a real problem. Could she help? And so she went out and it was a thing of nothing to solve it. She just put some sticky tape on the counters. Dog didn't like it. Problem solved. 20 minutes.

6:22Maria McErlane:So the sticky tape up, obviously. So the dog paused. And then the dog didn't like it. 20 minutes. Problem solved. The couple were so grateful. So grateful. Thank you so much for solving our problem. And she was thrilled with herself. Yeah. And they're showing her out and they're at the front door and she noticed us in the front room. There's a mattress on the floor. And just to make conversation, she goes, oh, who sleeps in there? And the woman went, oh, we do. The dog doesn't let us go upstairs. But that wasn't their problem. No. That was just... Oh, that's fabulous. That was just their life.

6:56Maria McErlane:I'm already thinking sticky tape on the stairs. That's got to be a way round it. But I really think that is, we normalise so much weirdness in our life. And then there's one thing that tips us over the edge and we write a letter about that. That's where we sleep. Yeah. I love that. I want to go out to dinner with that couple. Because they'll be interesting, I'm sure. And their dog, obviously. Quite an alpha dog.

7:24Maria McErlane:Upstairs with a pipe, watching the television. You're not an alpha dog, are you? No. But yes, I think communication is one of the things. And as you say, not identifying the real problem. Yes. So we have to do a little bit of reading through the lines. We do. Now, here's the thing. So in this podcast, we'll be doing what we've always done, which is help solve problems, but we'll also be sharing help and guidance from you at home. Thank you very much. Yes. If it sounds like exactly what you need, then please send your dilemmas to us. Our new address, remember this, is wangingon at listen.co.uk.

8:00Maria McErlane:That was my dog barking. Wangingon at listen.co.uk. We'd love to hear from you. I'm really sorry about that. That dog's days are numbered. It really is. I'm afraid. So send whatever your problems are. It could be friendship, quandaries, work dilemmas, family rows, anything you need a bit of advice on. But I would say to you, just keep your expectations low. This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the all-in-one finance app. The sooner you start investing, the more potential you have to build your money. Even for beginners, SoFi makes it simple with an easy-to-use app to get you going. SoFi is offering up to$1 ,000 in stock when you open and fund a SoFi self-directed brokerage account.

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9:56Right, without further ado, I present our first problem. Maria, you have an envelope even.

10:02Maria McErlane:I have. Look, this is very authentic. Can I just tell you? And I am terribly impressed with the production team generally. Dear Graham and Maria, I have a real dilemma. This is quite long, by the way, Graham. That's fine. We've got time. If you want to have a little nod off. No, that's fine. I have a real dilemma. Take the dog for a walk. Six months ago, I met an amazing woman who was perfect for me in every way. After a couple of months of new relationship bliss, she took me home to meet her family. They couldn't have been more welcoming when I arrived, and I spent a lovely day playing football with the two brothers and her nieces and nephews.

10:41Maria McErlane:So far, so good. The problem started after everyone else left to go home, just leaving us with her parents for the evening. I went to have a shower and when I came back downstairs, her father was sitting completely naked in an armchair watching the television. Perfect for me in every way. I was obviously a bit taken aback by this and it was compounded by my girlfriend and her mum sitting on the sofa as if nothing was amiss. But they had clothes on. Yeah. Okay, that's fine. I spent an uncomfortable couple of hours trying to join in the conversation without glancing in his direction before making my excuses and heading up to bed.

11:22Maria McErlane:When my girlfriend came up, I asked her what the hell was going on and she said he feels more comfortable naked and he's done it for years. She also said I should take it as a compliment that he felt so relaxed around me. Oh, yeah. The next day, I woke early and headed downstairs to the kitchen, only to be confronted once again by a 70-year-old naked man asking me if I'd like my eggs scrambled. He then proceeded to have the, what are your intentions with my daughter chat, while I wished my retinas could be burnt out. I was hoping he maybe wore an apron for making scrambled eggs. Flash forward four months, my girlfriend is pushing for us to stay with them for a week in a holiday cottage in Devon.

12:06Maria McErlane:Obviously, I don't want to lose her, but how can I explain that I don't want to watch the 1 % Club with 99 % of her father on show? Good joke there. And that's from Anonymous for obvious reasons in Sheffield. We will track you down, by the way, in Sheffield. If you're a naturist, then the mum surely should have been sitting stark as well. Because it seems kind of like, you know, if you're both naturists and that's what you've done for years and years and years, Yes, then so be it. But you would think you would tell someone. It's quite a passive-aggressive act, or maybe even aggressive-aggressive, not to warn someone that in a minute your meat and two veg will be on show while you're watching, you know, Countdown.

12:48Maria McErlane:What was the girlfriend thinking? Well, that's, I think, what he's not kind of... Because it's like, you know, oh, it's his thing. No, model trains is a thing. Wandering around naked is not a thing. My initial thing is, look, it's his house. if he wants to sit there with no clothes on, knock yourself out. For sure. But equally, I think it's odd that the girlfriend didn't say anything. Yeah. I mean, it's almost like they were tricking him or trying to get a reaction from him because to not tell someone that, by the way, my dad is stark bollock naked. Yeah, just before you go in. Yeah, just before you go in.

13:24Maria McErlane:Just a small thing. Well, could have been. So I think, you know, they were all playing along with this to see what his reaction was. And it sounds like he passed that particular test by not reacting at all. Which is good. Yeah. Good to not react. Now, the Devon thing. Yeah, I mean, now how much worse can it get? Well, you don't want to go, so don't go. I know, but he's keen on this girl. But I would have gone off her for her not telling you that her dad was going to sit starkest. Well, I always think when you're dating someone, parents are really interesting. because sometimes if you're dating someone, you meet their parents and it makes you like the person you were dating less.

14:06Yes, that's true. And then sometimes you meet parents and it makes you like them more because they're lovely. This would make me like her less.

14:13Maria McErlane:Yeah, me too. But if you're really into someone and they're probably in that heady, we have sex all the time stage still, then he's probably really into her. But the other thing you could do, Anonymous, is join in. take your clothes off but don't tell anybody you're going to do it I mean that would be a good thing to do because that will shock them I've done it for ages I was so pleased when you did it when we came round to watch the 1 % Club because now I feel so much more relaxed but also I'm thinking forward to their wedding day is dad wearing something for the wedding day? you know you wanted your wedding pictures to be on show not kind of blurred out yeah pixelated Fix a lit at wedding photographs.

14:56Look, I think this man is able to do whatever he wants in his own home. In his own home. And on his holiday in Devon.

15:01Maria McErlane:Well, no, because that's not his own home. He's sharing that, isn't he? But shouldn't the girlfriend at least acknowledge this is odd? Yeah. Anonymous, you need to have a good long chat with your girlfriend and say, why didn't you tell me? I mean, you may have already done this, but you didn't put it in your letter, so we're a bit lost. And also, I don't want to go on holidays with, you know, your naked father. You know, I'd like to go on holiday, but not with them. I mean, it's strange though, isn't it, Graeme? I'm trying to be the other side of the coin now that the naked body is so sexualised, but there's nature's way of stopping that, and that is once you get past a certain age.

15:37Maria McErlane:You know, I get people telling me off that, but, you know, there's nice things to look at when you're a bit younger, but old testicles probably aren't one of them. But also, I think once you grow out of nappies, you really shouldn't be naked again. I just, you know, pop something on. Or the naturists. A tanga brief. A tankini. Oh, a tankini. Yes, like Sacha Baron Cohen. Yes. I mean, and also, very hard to shop for this man for Christmas and things. It's kind of a world of woe on the way. No, I just think you keep buying socks. that's the only thing he's going to wear I know how cold your feet get and maybe you can actually get penis socks as well oh they have them on film sets they have them they knit them for the for you know porn actors that's good of them yeah I know those nuns are marvellous so listen Anonymous in Sheffield I think are you telling him to go away to Devon well you know at least now He knows what to expect.

16:47Now, if you don't want to spend whatever it is, a week in that environment, then don't go and be upfront. Don't think of excuses. Don't think of jokes. Just say to your girlfriend, I really don't fancy spending a week with your dad naked. And if she's shocked by that, well, so be it. The fact that she's not acknowledging that this is odd.

17:11Maria McErlane:And that they sprung it on you does seem like one of those jokes. Are you sure there wasn't a hidden camera, Anonymous? I hope there... No, we don't want... Not trained on the naked one, but trained on his reaction. Doing, doing, doing. And Dex Stiley, yeah. Now, over the coming weeks and months, we want to involve you, the listeners, in responses to these problems, because the more brains, the better. And Maria, any other days, what should we call our listeners? Do you have a name for a collective noun? You, dwangers? We're not talking about that last letter again, Graham. Huge wangers. I wish I'd have known about this, really, because I could have thought.

17:52Maria McErlane:Wangers on. Wangers on. Hanging, wanging. No, I'm just... Yes, I see what you mean. You should have thought about this. I'm just... Hanging, wanging. Yes. I'm just kind of... Let's call them that. Word association. Well, what have you got? Wangers. Wangers. The wangers. Yeah, the wangers have responded. Yes, okay. Should we go with wangers till somebody comes up with something better? Yeah. I mean, people can't get in charge. Please come up with something better. Now, excitingly, Maria, our listeners slash wangers, they have responses. They are dedicated wangers. And what they've done is they've emailed in.

18:30So if anybody wants to become a dedicated wanger, email wangingon at listen.co.uk and you'll be part of a special gang. Let's find out what the listeners, possibly wangers, have to say about this, our first dilemma. Do you want to read the first one?

18:46Maria McErlane:I do, yes. And this is from Sean in London, who agrees with us, really. He says, it would have been nice for the girlfriend to let the boyfriend know that her dad is a keen naturist in the first instance. So it didn't come as such a shock. I would still go on the holiday, says Sean. However, look at booking your own lodge to give you a bit more privacy and space for yourselves. Well, then just go on your own holiday, I would say, if you're booking a lodge anyway. I've really gone off the father, actually, for his passive act. Passive penis act, frankly. It's one thing, isn't it? He's that kind of uncompromising thing.

19:23It's kind of deliberate and it's to distance people. So, you know, it's a deliberate way of driving people away.

19:29Maria McErlane:It is. Yeah. Or getting a reaction. You know, it's a bit, no, it's not like a flasher at all. But in this particular instance, it was because he wasn't warned. Anyway, Lou in Perth says, This is unreasonable and unexpected behaviour. He may be comfortable, but you're not. I would tell your girlfriend you feel uncomfortable about her nudie father. Oh, that's a great word to say. Nudie. Nudie. Yeah. Nudie. He's a wee nudist. She should understand. Also, maybe don't go on the holiday if you're not comfortable, as it seems this is normal for them. Although the mum doesn't seem to do it. Well, maybe she does on holiday.

20:03Oh. Maybe she was saving herself. Until she got some tan. We have a voice note. Oh. This is an innovation.

20:12Maria McErlane:This is something we're not used to, Graham. We've got a voice note. Oh, my goodness. It's from someone called James. Listen to his voice now. Okay. First off, this dad is sounding exactly like the dad in Friday Night Dinner, who always had his shirt off, but I guess it's dialed up a little bit in this instance. Okay, so I reckon you'll either lean into it, and go full naturist as well, or try and reschedule for the winter and then subtly try and mess with the heating to make sure it's cold enough that he has to stay fully clothed. I like that, James. That's not a bad idea. I think naturists, though, they have a way around.

20:49If you go down to Brighton, to that nude beach, there are people there in the middle of winter, but they wear hats, gloves, socks, things like that. Apparently this bit, they don't lose any heat. Also, why do naturists never have pubic hair? Have you noticed that?