Graham & Maria VEXED Over Married Teacher SCANDAL

0:00Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word.

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0:59You've proven yourself. Okay, you can have your driving license back.

1:04Maria McErlane:Well, I still don't know who the Prime Minister is. I opened the comedy door there for you and you barged straight in. I knew what I was doing as soon as I said it.

1:18How could it be true? Time for another sparkling edition of Wanging On with Graham and Maria, plus our dedicated wangers and lots of questionable advice. How are you?

1:29Maria McErlane:All right. I'm just wondering where 55 shows went. I know. Isn't it mad? Who are you? Wanging On. We did come up with quite a good name for this. What was it? Wanging On. Jesus Christ. I just asked you who you were and you didn't tell me. Does Matron know? Cup of tea. 55 shows. 55 shows. Have we scraped barrels? Oh, listen. The sound. Yeah. Nails. Chipping away. It's a bit of crud in the corner. But we are expanding and we are actually going to Edinburgh to do something in front of a live audience. To show people the bottom of the barrel. Yes. Look, we weren't lying. There's nothing. There's nothing.

2:16Have you selected your show clothes? Your outfit?

2:19Maria McErlane:It's a difficult one because we've got a daytime show and then a nighttime show. And also... I'm doing a costume change during the show. I'm coming in on trapeze. And for this nighttime show, I'm coming in on a horse down the central aisle. I've booked an elephant. No, no, no. They've said no elephants this year in Edinburgh. They had an incident last year. No, outfits. I saw a very, very nice Missoni jacket. Oh, yes. I didn't really like the fabric. It felt a bit cheap, the fabric. But what I liked was it had fringing all down the sides of the sleeve and fringing on the back. Oh, yes. Edinburgh Fringe.

3:04Maria McErlane:So I contemplated the very expensive jacket and then thought, hmm, not convinced. So what I did, Graham, you know I like a charity shop. I found a jacket, which is black sequin jacket. Perfect for show business. Black sequin. Very nice of an Ellie. And went and bought three metres of fringing. Oh, yes. Fringing. And I sewed it on. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Well, that'd be lovely. That'd be nice in the afternoon. It'd be nice in the evening. Yeah. Should I wear it both? It'd be a bit smelly in the evening, but yeah, fine. What will you be wearing? I feel there should be some coordinated element to it.

3:38Oh, well, if you're wearing black sequins, I probably have some black sequins knocking around. You have so many fabulous showbiz jackets. Yes. But the trouble is, Edinburgh, you know, if the weather is terrible, it doesn't matter. Yeah. But if the sun even peaks from behind a cloud, every venue in Edinburgh suddenly becomes hotter than the surface of the sun. Oh, my God.

4:00Maria McErlane:Well, because in this country, we simply do not have air conditioning. And especially when you go north. Sorry, people north of Watford. But if you go north, air conditioning is just not a thing. And those venues, mind you, the King's Theatre is quite big, Graham. Yes, and it'll be empty, of course. So that will help. Oh, this is nice and cool. I saw an episode of Hacks where she was booked to play Madison Square Gardens and then one of her detractors and nemesis, Enemy, had booked all the tickets. And so she went out to play Madison Square Gardens and there wasn't anyone there. Is that what happened?

4:36That's a spoiler.

4:37Maria McErlane:Oh, sorry. I haven't seen that episode yet. Oh. Is that the finale? Oh, there's a finale to come. Oh, is there? Okay. Yeah. Well, I'll look forward to that. But I thought that was a wonderful idea, you know, the notion of your comeback being at Madison Crest. Okay, it's too... It'd be nice to see it. It's too late to take it back now. Graham, I said what I said. Well, I'd just like to apologise to anyone listening to this who was also looking forward to that episode of Hacks. No, Hacks has been on forever now. I know, but I was saving it because I really like it. Yeah. Well, I think me saying that, I might have been lying.

5:18Do you think, are you saying the rest is entertainment have actually booked all the tickets?

5:23Maria McErlane:I'm absolutely saying that. Yes, Arrival podcast. Yes. Is that Arrival, the rest is entertainment? I don't know. It was just the podcast's name came to me. That's Richard Osman and Marina Hyde, isn't it? Well done. My goodness. You've really proven yourself. Okay, you can have your driving license back. Well, I still don't know who the Prime Minister is or who you are. We've got to do everything. Or why we are. So, yes, Edinburgh, are you looking forward to it? I am. I'm looking forward to it. I mean, two shows is going to be weird. And also because I always, you know, I rarely, I don't like to perform sober.

6:02And so I... You said that out loud. Yeah. No, but I, no, I'm not drunk. But I'd like to have a little glass of wine with me.

6:09Maria McErlane:Well, you can have a little glass of wine. Not for the matinee, though, because then I might actually be drunk by the afternoon. Well, you might need a little sleep before the evening. There's not much time between shows. Do you think there's a little daybed? I'm sure. No, because our matinee is quite late, isn't it? I think they almost run into one or the other. I'll probably nip out between shows to get some Adderall or something like that. Yeah, that's right. Score some drones on the streets of Edinburgh. It's a wash, let me tell you. Yeah. The evening show will be much better. Well, it'll be quicker.

6:44Oh, no. Towards the end, it'll really slow down.

6:47Maria McErlane:As we nod off. Yeah, as we start to come down. It's just like, read a letter. I think that's a very good show, frankly. And what will we do afterwards? They should probably make a documentary about this. One of us will die on stage. We'll both die. Oh, that would be good. It would be. What a way to go. Oh, my God. That would get a lot of publicity. In the saddle. I mean, it wouldn't be very useful publicity. I guess maybe all the back episodes, the 55 episodes we've done, they'd really go through the roof. They'd become instant classics, Graham. Oh, they'd spike. They'd break the internet. They'd really spike.

7:27Maria McErlane:What will we do afterwards? Will we go dancing? I imagine we'll just... Have you been dancing in Edinburgh? I'm sure I have. Back in the day, I remember going to CC Blooms. Yes. Yeah. Nice. Dancing in there. Don't let that still around. It is. Oh, it is? Okay. Well, I think so. I mean, I haven't been in for many, many years, but I drive past it. No, I imagine I'll just lie down in a darkened room with a wet rack in my head. I might go to see a show. Yay! Because that's the whole point of Edinburgh. That is. Lots and lots of shows on. So many shows to see. I haven't actually perused the menu of Edinburgh to see what there is.

8:00Oh, actually, if people want to put in the comments underneath this recommendations of Edinburgh shows, I'd love to see it. And I'm sure other wangers going to Edinburgh and would love to see it as well. Right. Yes. We are going to get to the problems in but a moment.

8:17This episode is brought to you by TV Licensing. Now, Maria. Yes. On BBC iPlayer, you can see all of the Interior Design Masters Challenge. You know the one with Alan Carr.

8:27Maria McErlane:I do. I watched it vimly because a friend of mine was in it last year. No. Yes. How did they do? Craig, that's when he should have won. He got to the final but one. Semi-final. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. trying to say. What on did him? Where did he go wrong? He did a pub in Edinburgh. Oh my God. Yeah. That's a big challenge. For the festival. And he, I think he just threw the kitchen sink at it, almost literally. It was too much. He'd been so good. He's mid-century modern. That's his theme. Which is hard to get into a pub. Yeah. And so he kind of, you know, threw the kitchen sink at it. And I think he knew.

9:02Maria McErlane:And so he went. But he was so, he tried four times to get on it. Wow. But I think what's interesting about it is we all live somewhere. Of course. So we all live somewhere and we all, you know, make an effort. We all try. We stick up a poster or, you know, where's the cushion going there? So I love you are such a kind of a judge watching it. I really like it. And Alan's really funny and good with it. Alan is so funny in it. But, I mean, it's been going for a long, long time now with Michelle Agunderhin. Yes. Yes. And they have guest judges now. Jonathan Adler, of course. Oh, Jonathan Adler, of course.

9:34Maria McErlane:Yes, he's American. He is. What have you been watching? I have. I know it sounds bizarre, but I had some children to stay. So I put on The Clangers, which you can watch on CBeebies, as well as BBC iPlayer, four and six. They are very well-behaved children. Are these new Clangers episodes? Well, it's, yes, The Clangers is going on, because we recall The Clangers from yesteryear. Yes, I would say quite timeless. I'm not sure why bother making them again, but... Well, I think they're still knitted, because The Clangers were knitted. Were they? Yeah, knitted little puppety things. I just remember them whistling.

10:07Maria McErlane:They did whistle. Do they still whistle? Well, yes, but they also do speaky bits as well. Oh, boo. Well, the narrator does speaky bits, but anyway. Oh, no, the narrator always did speaky bits. But I really rather loved it because, you know, watch with mother. You were drunk. I was drunk, yeah, obviously. In charge of children. Watch with mother, which we had when I was small, were sort of the wooden tops. Do you remember things like that? No. No, wooden tops, no, no. I'm not that old. Okay, what did you watch then? Teletubbies when I was a baby. No, it wasn't. Well, you see, much like the Teletubbies, things have to be very bright now and engaging, and the kids absolutely loved it.

10:42Well, a TV license covers you to watch over 400 TV channels, as well as everything, on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk slash pod. Maria, Maria, envelopes, please.

10:55Maria McErlane:See my hand. Oh, look. Readiness. It's so close. Okay, here we are. Dear Graham and Maria, I work at a primary school where two of my colleagues and I grew very close. Hello. One is single, the other married with three children. We were a tight trio and hung out a lot, socialising, days out, drinks, theatre trips, etc. We know where this is going. I think I do. However, matters took a turn for the worst last year. On a return trip to London, I was talking to them both when the pair simultaneously picked their phones up and clearly were messaging each other. I called them out, brackets when I got home, and said I felt that they weren't present.

11:40Maria McErlane:One of them said, oh, you know what I'm like. And the other said, well, that's it. No more socializing. Here's the curveball. Their animosity towards me has been present for over a year now, and their closeness has been noticeable at school with tongues wagging amongst the staff. Recently, I was made aware that they took a day trip to London where they were caught snogging on the train platform by a former work colleague who took a photo of the pair. Rumours confirmed. My dilemma is this. Do I tell the husband of one of the women? He is clueless as to what is going on. And that is from Anonymous and we don't know where.

12:22Maria McErlane:But we do know, Anonymous, you need to keep your little beaky beak out of it, lady. Honestly, all of that for that. I know, right? Because it was such a great, I liked the problem, the messaging each other, you know, sending this person to Coventry, and then the affair, and then you go, ooh, where are we going? And then it's just like, should I tell the wife? No. Have you never listened to an episode of this podcast before? No. And also, I think what's happened, Anonymous is feeling very annoyed that this wonderful little trio, two's company, three's a crowd, has been broken up. So that is fueling her need, I'm saying her, to want to tell.

13:06The thing you could do, which honestly would be the good friend thing to do, is to let them know there's now a photograph in the world of the two of them snogging on a train platform. Weird that the former colleague took that picture, but he did. But I think let them know and they might cool their heels a little.

13:28Maria McErlane:Well, it sounds like it's quite intense, doesn't it? But there are children and partners at play here, so you have to be very careful. And I think, you know, it's sad, but you had a lovely time while it lasted. It's a bit like a relationship. It was a relationship with these two people. You had fun, you worked together, and now it's gone. And I don't think it will ever come back. But you need to graciously step away. yeah um and also i think graham is right maybe just let them know i don't think there's any room for judgment or recrimination just let them know that this i'm sure they know this rumor has now been confirmed by some busybody with a camera i mean this is this is really dangerous now because it's not a rumor you can deny it's not that you know it's not that sort of thing where you kind oh don't be silly we're just friends no this photograph exists and you know it's gonna it's gonna be spread people are gonna want to see it all of that so i think yeah no judgment don't put qualifiers in it just going heads up there's a photograph for two snogging that you could say who took it um and then leave it at that and then they can deal with it um but what's so odd is that they work in a primary school and there's something so kind of schoolroom about this.

14:50Maria McErlane:Letter. And we'll know about the three of them and then two of them became bestest friends and now we're not friends with you anymore. You know, it's just something so childish about you. Yeah, Anonymous does feel like, you know, you've spoiled it all now. We had a great friendship. There were three of us and now you've gone and had an affair. And I think Anonymous feels annoyed as well that she didn't spot it sooner, perhaps. So take your ire and put it in a little balloon and let it go and be a kind person. This is old school wanging on. I like it. Oh, my God, yeah. Yeah. Putting things in balloons.

15:21It's because it's an old school problem. Should I tell the husband? No.

15:25Maria McErlane:It's also so kind of predictable for people to just have an affair with somebody who's over there and I don't have to try. I mean, it's like, have you never heard that thing of don't poo on your own doorstep? I've never heard that. I don't. Don't shit on your own doorstep. That's what I always do. I feel a fool now. Well, you had your house specially adapted, though, didn't you? Yes, I did, yes. With a sort of bucket underneath the doorstep. Yeah, there's a port-a-loo on my doorstep, yeah. Hopefully, hopefully, I really hope the wangers are all on the same page as we are. Okay. Yeah? Yeah. What?

16:04Are you worried?

16:06Maria McErlane:No. This is the bit where you read things aloud. I know. I was doing a dramatic pause while I changed the page. Oh, okay. Sean says, you should confront them rather than telling the husband you need to find out what's going on before jumping to conclusions. Sean. What are they doing? Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Practicing life-saving skills. I had a little bit of food stuck in the back of my throat. He was sucking it out. Sit them down separately and get their individual version of events, as this will be most revealing. It's gone past that, Sean. Yeah. It's gone past that, I'm afraid. Lynn says, while I sympathize to an extent with you losing your friendship group, it sounds like your dilemma is more about whether you should make your friends suffer in retaliation for their treatment of you.

16:56Maria McErlane:Very, very good, Lynn. If you were a true friend, you could maybe forewarn your friend that some nosy ex-colleague is being small-minded enough to take photos of her. Don't be one of the gossips around school. Bit too late for that, I think, as well. Linda in Arizona. Tell all the children. Yes. Write it on the blackboard. Yes. Why don't you put up the picture and say, now everyone write an essay about this. Which side are you on? Linda in Arizona says, as a retired primary school teacher of many years, tattling was a student behavior we tried to correct, not encourage. So mind your own behavior.

17:40Maria McErlane:Besides, unless you were part of it, you don't know what happened, if anything. And just to be clear, tattling is like tittle-tattle. Oh, yes. So telling tales, tittle-tattle. Tattle-tattle-tattle-tattle-tattle-tattle. No, no, you really clarified it. Telling tales. Because a lot of people would have been very confused. so you've cleared it up there. Fuck off. We'll be playing the fuck off game again. It's my favorite game. No, you fuck off.

18:11Maria McErlane:Why is that funny? I don't know, but it is. It's making me laugh. I'm playing it this Christmas. Very good. Claire says, if they were seen and photographed snogging on a train platform, then the truth will probably come out soon enough. And when it does, maybe they'll come crawling back and apologize for being bad friends. That ain't ever going to happen. You're right about the truth will come out, but no, they're never being friends again. Kathleen says, I'm sorry, homie. What? Who listens to this podcast? I said what I said. I'm sorry, homie, but I'm here to let you know you need to back away and let that situation handle itself.