Hair Transplant Truths, Tote Bag Snobbery & Ex-Boyfriend Drama - Graham and Maria weigh in

3:51Maria McErlane:I still have a seat at the table, exactly. I paid for this seat at the table.

3:57Graham Norton:You've got yours free. I know, you bid at an auction and here you are.

4:01Maria McErlane:Graeme, I've been dying to tell you this because I know you'll be fascinated. A few weekends ago I spent the weekend with...

4:09Graham Norton:In a romantic way? No, no, no, no, no, no. At a sort of house party. Oh, there were other people there.

4:13Maria McErlane:Yes, and there was a beauty aesthetician. I can't really say that very well. But anyway, he dealt with Botox.

4:18Graham Norton:Is that because you're numb in the mouth now?

4:21Maria McErlane:No, I didn't have anything done, but I heard about all the new things that you can have done, and I think there's a few that will suit you. Tell me all. Salmon sperm. Oh, please. That he tells me. I know, really. It really is like I saw you coming. You saw the salmon coming.

4:41Maria McErlane:Sorry.

4:43Graham Norton:Not in my eye, salmon.

4:45Maria McErlane:Not in my eye. Stupid. You shouldn't be that near to a salmon, frankly, when it's just about to pop. No. If you are, there's something wrong with you. That's very intrusive. Yeah, yeah, it's very intrusive. So salmon's one. And also snail slime. Please. There is snail slime.

5:01Graham Norton:It is pathetic that in whatever year this is, 2025 or something, that people are still falling. Because that does sound like something ridiculous. It's snake oil, isn't it? You know, an old woman in a cottage at the end of the village would sell you. You know, it is madness.

5:15Maria McErlane:But it is the thing that we're all trying to... There was something on the radio the other day about plastic surgery. And all these people of like 25 and 30 calling in to say the things that they'd had done, a bum lift and a this, that, and a gastric band. I mean, I do feel, out of all the kind of feminist ideology, the very fact that we are still kind of holding on. It's just you cannot grow old.

5:39Graham Norton:But except you do, you just grow old differently. No one with plastic surgery looks young. No. They just look differently old. And it's a kind of a weird circle of silence where no one says to their friend, Jesus, you look awful.

5:54Maria McErlane:Well, it's the lips thing as well, isn't it? It's all of it. We see now people with lips that if you haven't had your lips done, you look kind of unique.

6:02Graham Norton:Yes.

6:02Maria McErlane:And therefore rather nice.

6:04Graham Norton:And emaciated. Yeah. Whereas most people look like they've had an allergic reaction.

6:08Maria McErlane:I did think after a weekend of talking to him about this that I might have CO2 laser resurfacing.

6:13Graham Norton:Really?

6:13Maria McErlane:No. No. Do you think? No. It's about two weeks of downtime where you scab, but then underneath all of this, you know, sun damage, smoking in the early days, you get new skin.

6:25Graham Norton:I know, but equally you could tie yourself to the back of a car and be dragged down the road.

6:31Maria McErlane:I wouldn't get it evenly on my back and on my legs. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

6:35Graham Norton:Would you ever have anything done? No, because, well, yes, I would, But I'm too... Look, it's that kind of equation in your life, isn't it? Kind of vanity versus laziness. Yeah. And laziness wins out in my life. And also vanity equals humiliation. People are humiliated by their vanity.

6:54Maria McErlane:No, I don't think so. Because two of the people there, and there are lots of people in shore business that have had hair transplants, for example. And they are very, very... Did I say nothing?

7:03Graham Norton:No, no. They're lying.

7:05Maria McErlane:They're lying. What do you mean?

7:06Graham Norton:People have a hair transplant.

7:07Maria McErlane:Then they have another one.

7:08Graham Norton:No. Then they start having those sticky-on wigs and pretending it's still the hair transplant. Hair transplants fall out. Talk to Wayne Rooney. They fall out. They never say in.

7:18Maria McErlane:I know, but that's one name out of many. No, no, no. Jimmy Nesbitt has had good ones. Okay. You know, you know.

7:26Graham Norton:I say nothing. I say nothing. I'm just saying those sticky-on wigs are very good now.

7:33Maria McErlane:Are we talking Trump wiggy type things?

7:35Graham Norton:No, no, no, no. They're better than that. They're really, really good. Okay. But if you have had a hair transplant...

7:40Maria McErlane:I think they're called hair systems.

7:41Graham Norton:Oh, yes, a hair system, of course. Not yet.

7:44Maria McErlane:We don't say wig anymore. No. We don't say syrup. Syrup of things.

7:49Graham Norton:Did we ever? I did.

7:51Maria McErlane:Is he wearing a syrup?

7:52Graham Norton:We've been talking, wanging on, for about three hours now. And we haven't got to the meat of the podcast, which is da problems. We are addressing the people's problems. Is there any way that people can get in touch with their problems?

8:05Maria McErlane:Yes, there is, Greg. Could you tell us? Yes, if you want to email us, it's wangingon, with a G, at listen.co.uk. And also, you can find us on Instagram, and that is at wangingon.

8:18Graham Norton:But please be aware that we are not experts in anything. You have been warned. Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes

8:42Graham Norton:Well, would you look at that It's time for our first letter Maria, you've got an envelope to reopen

8:47Maria McErlane:Oh yes, I have Yes, you nearly forgot

8:50Graham Norton:Week two, emphasis on week

8:53Maria McErlane:This is where I get terribly busy

8:58Graham Norton:That manicure is paying for itself

9:00Maria McErlane:What manicure would that be? Here we are Put that in the filing plate Mr Norton, will you file that later? That's the outtray. Dear Graham and Maria, my work bestie is dating a guy I used to date, and I don't know what to do. She started telling me about an amazing guy she'd matched with online, and then she brought him to work drinks. Wow. He turned out to be someone I'd had a pretty serious thing with, and it didn't end well. He became pretty toxic. When she introduced him, he pretended he didn't know me, and that felt so awkward, but I just went along with it. I also didn't want to make a scene in front of other work people.

9:41Maria McErlane:Very wise. I hate not telling her the truth, but she's so into him and I don't want to damage our friendship by making her feel she has to take sides. What should I do? Oh, my own namesake, and that is from Maria in Lincoln. Against every sort of factor of my being, Maria in Lincoln, I'm going to say, stay stum.

10:05Graham Norton:Oh, it's so hard. Say nothing. Normally I would say, say nothing, because, you know, it's always shoot the messenger, blah, blah, blah. But in this instance, I feel like when this ends, which it sounds like it's gonna, because you know what this guy will do.

10:19Maria McErlane:He'll tell.

10:20Graham Norton:This guy is going to throw her under the bus when this comes to an end. So I think you need to kind of almost throw yourself under the bus. And if it wrecks your relationship, so be it. But at least you were in control of it. You know, she's not marching into the office sobbing, going, why didn't you tell me?

10:37Maria McErlane:But also, Maria, I'm sorry to say, you were in control of it at the work, Stu. When introduced, you could have said, yes, we've met. That's all you needed to say. Yes, we've met. And leave it that enigmatically.

10:49Graham Norton:No, but you had no time to prepare. She was blindsided. She didn't know it was going to be this guy.

10:53Maria McErlane:But he, so he took the lead there. Yes, he did. And he pretended that you hadn't met, which was cowardly of him, especially as you say, Graham, he's going to throw you under the bus at some point in this relationship.

11:03Graham Norton:Yes, he is.

11:04Maria McErlane:But if she does tell her, she'll have to go into all the details of how toxic it became.

11:08Graham Norton:No, no, that's what you don't do. Don't, no, don't say, horrible, but just say, look, I don't want to talk about it. I've got nothing to say to you, but I just feel weird because when you brought the boyfriend in and he didn't say anything, I feel like I want to tell you, we went on a few dates.

11:27Maria McErlane:Quite a bit more than that. Yeah, but just downplay. Okay, downplay, downplay.

11:31Graham Norton:Just say, we went on a few dates, but, you know, I have no feelings for him. You know, I never wanted to become awkward and leave it at that. And then a friend can go and quiz him. No, but then... And then he will then say, oh, she's a witch. She's toxic. Yeah, she burnt all my shirts, that kind of thing.

11:49Maria McErlane:Yeah, that's why I feel, you know, we're playing into his handbook here, aren't we?

11:53Graham Norton:But then what should she say?

11:55Maria McErlane:I think you just say, I didn't want to... You're dating a wrong one. No, it didn't end well. I think you just have to say something like, it didn't end well and I don't think it was me. Rafi agrees with me.

12:06Graham Norton:Well, I don't think it was me. You're never going to think it was me. You know, oh, poor dog.

12:11Maria McErlane:Sorry, that was me.

12:15Maria McErlane:Something I ate.

12:16Graham Norton:It was that late lunch.

12:18Maria McErlane:It's really, it's kind of difficult. But, I mean, I can fully see that the friend might invite you out with the boyfriend again.

12:26Graham Norton:But also... What do you do? Do you not go? Well, also, here's the thing. Friend, I worry for friend because friend is way too overexcited about this relationship. Bringing some guy you've just matched with to work drinks.

12:39Maria McErlane:Well, works do.

12:40Graham Norton:Madness. And already it's gone wrong.

12:42Maria McErlane:She was pleased with herself, though. Yes, she was delighted with herself. She's not a lonely old maid, but look, she's got this lovely person. I mean, you know, not much ends well.

12:52Graham Norton:Well, it's that.

12:53Maria McErlane:Shakespeare, right, that.

12:54Graham Norton:Yeah, it's beautiful. All's well that ends well. That's right. He said the opposite. He said the absolute opposite of that.

13:02Maria McErlane:I don't know how Maria in Lincoln gets herself out of this without him managing to diss her.

13:08Graham Norton:Yeah, but I feel like don't waste any time here. Just kind of go, don't want things to be weird, but it was just weird. When you brought John to drinks, I wasn't expecting to see him, so I didn't say anything, but he didn't say anything either. And we did used to date. Oh, I should say, oh, has he mentioned that we used to date? Right. and leave it at that. It's going to be rocky. It is going to be awkward. Because you'll go back to him

13:32Maria McErlane:and then the floodgates will open.

13:32Graham Norton:It's going to be weird and rocky but I think that's the only thing. You can't say nothing.

13:38Maria McErlane:No. I think you could get another job, Maria.

13:42Graham Norton:Get new friends, a new identity.

13:45Maria McErlane:Leave Lincoln.

13:47Graham Norton:Witness protection is always a lovely option. Listen, I think it's high time we found out what our listeners...

13:54Maria McErlane:We're sort of calling them wangers. Are we still calling them wangers? I know, but every time you say that It sounds like a rude, but never mind.

14:00Graham Norton:Let's find out what they thought because, of course, people who are invested in the programme, people who have engaged with the podcast. They get special previews of the problems. If you'd like to be one of those listeners, you just email us at wangingon at listen.co.uk.

14:15Maria McErlane:James says, don't lie or deceive, even accidentally. Tell her all about him. Tell him you've told her. Then leave them to it. If she decides to stick with him, she's a grown-up. It's up to her. And you shouldn't meddle. But she's going to be the piggy in the middle that will, you know, blame the person there.

14:33Graham Norton:You know, but like I say, I think their friendship will take a dip after this.

14:37Maria McErlane:And then will survive.

14:38Graham Norton:And then I think it will survive the other end of this terrible relationship. Yeah.

14:41Maria McErlane:And as I said, there are other jobs, Maria. Anna says, what's the big deal? When you say work, bestie, is that essentially someone you get along with in the office but never see outside of work? Good point. If so, just forget about it. How often are you really going to spend with them as a couple?

14:59Graham Norton:Well, because I think what Anna's missed is the end of this, when a friend comes sobbing into the office, going, why? Why didn't you say that? And then you kind of go, sorry.

15:08Maria McErlane:What is she going to come into the office, do we?

15:11Graham Norton:She'll be hysterical.

15:12Maria McErlane:Do it again, do it again. I won't dance for you. Okay, so dance for me. Philippa says, if this is a proper friend, just tell her all about him. If she doesn't heed your warnings, grab the popcorn and watch it all fall apart. At least you tried. That's basically what you said.

15:31Graham Norton:Well, no, I didn't say tell her all about him. You don't want to start briefing against him. That's the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to do that.

15:39Maria McErlane:It's going to be very hard, though, for Maria not to brief against him because she was quite into him and it ended really badly and there was a lot of toxicity. Is that a word?

15:48Graham Norton:It is. Yes, it is.

15:50Maria McErlane:So it's very hard for her to rein that in, I think. But what she could say is, look, it ended very badly for me. I think we clashed personally. It was a personality thing. But I'm sure with you it will be different.

16:02Graham Norton:No, I think when she asks questions, kind of go, look, to be honest, I'm not very comfortable talking about it because, you know, that was us. That was us and what happened between us. I don't want to colour you. Yeah, I don't want you to think what happened with us is going to happen to you. Then that makes it sound like you killed a man. There's no way. It was a hit-and-run accident. he begged me to leave the scene.

16:23Maria McErlane:There's no way around you getting it in the neck, Maria, frankly, I think. No. Because they're a couple now. They can make up whatever they like.

16:31Graham Norton:Grace, Grace took the trouble to tell us this. The cheek, oh my goodness, the cheek of this fella. I think we know a lot about Grace. Yeah. The cheek of this fella pretending not to know you. Next time you see him out of work drinks or whatever, pull him to the side and tell him, If he doesn't disclose your relationship history to your friend, you will. Some people only respond to ultimatums.

16:55Maria McErlane:Oh, I think Grace has been there, hasn't she? She's been there.

16:58Graham Norton:I think we should do what the next drinks do. Go up with a pair of wife runs and say, you left these in my house. You forgot these. And then see what happens.

17:07Maria McErlane:No. I think you should move away from Lincoln and get another job.

17:12Graham Norton:Maria in Lincoln, I'm not sure if you're happy. It is a really tricky dilemma.

17:16Maria McErlane:It's a good one, Maria.

17:16Graham Norton:It is a tricky dilemma, but I don't think you can keep stum. I don't think you can keep entirely stum. No.

17:23Maria McErlane:But really, you missed your opportunity at the drinks too, but you were caught unawares. But don't let him rule the agenda, which he's now going to do, obviously. That's what makes me a bit crazy.

17:34Graham Norton:Full stop. Letter two. Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar and vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolytes. Soon. Maria, I long to hear our second problem. Do you have it in an envelope anywhere nearby?

17:57Maria McErlane:I do, Graham. Oh, you're busy filing. You're busy filing. It might take me a minute because I'm just filing the letters we've done so far. Okay, yes.

18:04Graham Norton:On your R for red. Yeah, that's right.

18:07Maria McErlane:Right. Resolved.

18:11Graham Norton:Yeah, solved.

18:14Maria McErlane:Dear Graham and Maria, whenever you go to a supermarket, they always encourage you to use a bag for life, which is always a good thing and good for the environment. Yes. OK, I know where this is going. But for the last couple of years, I've noticed a pattern. Whenever I go and shop in, say, Tesco or Asta, I always carry a Wheatrose bag for life because I find it to be more heavy and durable compared to the others. However, the look of absolute disdain I get from shop workers, and in particular store security, is enough to make me think I've run over a cat by accident or treaded in a load of dog poo.

18:57Maria McErlane:Do you think the next time I go to, say, Tesco, that I should use a Tesco bag for life and not upset... I lost the will to live. And not upset staff. Keep going. We'll get to the end of this. Or should I continue to use the Waitrose bag for life, but maybe jazz it up a bit, Blue Peter Styly. Oh, sweet Jesus, I wasn't expecting this terrible. Wait, wait, it hasn't ended yet. Jazz it up, Blue Peter Styly, with some cut-up washing-up bottles. Are you taking the... And some sticky back plastic. And that is from Craig in Manchester. Craig in Manchester, you are taking something.

19:35Graham Norton:I mean, I know we said we'd do any dilemma.

19:39Maria McErlane:Yeah. Well, listen, you know, it's all relative. Craig doesn't get out much, apart from to Tesco and Asda. And when he...

19:48Graham Norton:When does he shop in Waitrose? Why does he have a Waitrose bag?

19:52Maria McErlane:How did he get it? Someone gave it to him.

19:55Graham Norton:Someone brought a bottle of wine to his party. They go, well, keep that bag for life.

19:59Maria McErlane:Because it's heavy and durable. Yes. That will last for life. I didn't know they had Waitrose in Manchester. They don't have them in Hastings. We're not rich enough in Hastings, unfortunately. Now, Craig in Manchester, I'm going to take this seriously. Are you really? Yes, because, well, because we have already ripped him. Anyway, yes, Craig, I just think, why are you looking at the security guards looking at you? You're drawing attention to yourself, so don't ever shoplift in Asda or Tesco because they will have you over a barrel, mate. Just carry on with whatever bag you like. Mix it up, maybe.

20:34Graham Norton:There's a weird kind of self-consciousness in it, isn't it? I mean, we should all feel like we're the star of...

20:39Maria McErlane:We're the stars of our own show, but sadly we're not being filmed all the time. Yes. But Craig thinks he is.

20:45Graham Norton:No, Craig genuinely believes that he, like, I think his level of self-awareness is too high. Level of self-worth. No one's paying attention. No one's paying attention.

20:55Maria McErlane:Really, nobody cares.

20:56Graham Norton:It makes me think maybe he has stepped in dog poo. Maybe that is why people are looking for it. And run over a cat.

21:03Maria McErlane:And, yes. And it's in the bag for life. That's why they're staring, because it's starting to smell, Craig.

21:10Graham Norton:Check the bag. Part of me...

21:14Maria McErlane:You always say, read between the lines. What's he really asking? What's his real problem?

21:18Graham Norton:I mean, his real problem is that I think he thinks people are paying attention to him when they're not. But this is one of those instances where, you know, there's no need to worry about this. I am aware of what's going on in supermarket. I have so many supermarket pet peeves. So many. Oh, I'd like to hear some of them. The one that really annoys me is when you put your basket in the thing of baskets.

21:38Maria McErlane:Yeah, yeah. the handle.

21:40Graham Norton:Don't let the handle. I'm with you on that. Or if you did it, if you didn't do it, then don't stack your basket ass up on top of the down handle.

21:51Maria McErlane:Yeah, because then you're just adding to the problem. It drives me insane. But why don't the supermarkets employ somebody?

21:57Graham Norton:Well, they do, but they just look at it.

21:58Maria McErlane:To flip it, like that, to make it okay. Yeah.

22:01Graham Norton:Also, people who just stand. You know the people who are standing in front of something and then whatever they were doing, They've stopped doing. They're not looking for anything anymore. They've drifted into some... They've gone into a coma. Yeah, they've drifted into kind of what I ate yesterday or what I'm doing this weekend. I want to punch them in the head.

22:19Maria McErlane:I think the German supermarkets, the Aldi's and the Lidl's, which I'm a big fan of, are the middle aisle where you can buy a balaclava or a swimming pool that you self-inflate.

22:30Graham Norton:Yes, but whatever it is, it is useless. It is a robotic hoover.

22:35Maria McErlane:You will never use it.

22:36Graham Norton:Well, you will once.

22:37Maria McErlane:But, you know, the middle aisle is comedy gold, frankly, for the things that you can get.

22:42Graham Norton:Yes, I remember during COVID, it was the great pleasure in Gary Barlow's life because he was wearing a mask.

22:50Maria McErlane:Why is it Gary Barlow? Why? He was able to enjoy the middle aisle without people judging him.

22:58Graham Norton:I've read he was on the phone to his wife just describing all the untold treasures in the middle aisle.

23:04Maria McErlane:Gary Barlow, funny without trying. No, it was good.

23:08Graham Norton:Bless him, bless him. But anyway, back to Craig and his bag. His very expensive bag. I can't believe that any listeners were eager enough to share their advice on this. You would be wrong. But apparently they have. Let's hear it.

23:23Maria McErlane:Elliot says, let's not beat around the bush. You are a terrific snob, just like me. So you only want to use the waitress bag to send a subliminal message that there must be some other reason why you're slumming it in this establishment when you're obviously the sort who doesn't belong here. There's nothing wrong with being a Hyacinth bucket character, Pupé.

23:43Graham Norton:How bad are Tesco and Hasda? Like, they are open to the public. I know, really. It's not like they're just throwing food at people walking by.

23:52Maria McErlane:I mean, oldie and little, I can see it, but no, I can't. I too want to project an image to the pyjama-wearing shoppers OAC who frequent these type of establishments, that I am better than them. We've got more, though, Graham. What is wrong with the listeners? I know. George says, I actually get totally paranoid about this too. I know it's silly, but just keep all the reusable bags from the different supermarkets you visit and make sure you bring the right one. Oh, my goodness. When you head back to each shop, also have a little pile of plain tote bags that nobody will have an opinion on. and always keep one on you just in case.

24:32Maria McErlane:Who are these people?

24:34Graham Norton:I mean, poo bags I get. Always have a poo bag with you. But a plain tote. Even if you don't have a dog. Yes, absolutely. You make it short yourself.

24:45Maria McErlane:Glenn has something as well. If it was the other way round and you were using a Tesco bag in a branch of Waitrose, I'd be mortified on your behalf. But since you're using a Waitrose bag in a Tesco, enjoy your elite status. There's a lot of snobbish about this that I never knew existed.

25:03Graham Norton:I mean, I kind of knew it existed in a kind of jokey way. You know, ooh, Waitrose. But they're all supermarkets. I mean, there is a price difference, but it's not that vast.

25:11Maria McErlane:No, and also, I never look at anybody's bag. Or if I do, think, ooh, you must have a lot of money. Yeah. I never think that. You stopped in Waitrose.

25:20Graham Norton:You spent a pound on a plastic bag. Hello. Craig, if that helped, good. But, yeah, that's all I have to say to you, Greg.

25:29Maria McErlane:I like the notion, though, Graham, that we can say about that one. Remember, we're not experts. About the bag thing. If you have been affected by a Waitrose bag, or indeed any supermarket bag, please get in touch with the relevant pastoral help.

25:46Graham Norton:We will deal with any problem. So do get in touch if you've got something you'd like us to consider. Wagging on at listen.co.uk. That's also the address to use if you'd like to take part in our shiny new segment, Am I Weird? That's coming up. Now, at the end of every episode of Wanging On, we have a new segment. Yes, we have. We do. It's called Am I Weird? It's going terribly well. It's going terribly well. It's really caught fire. It's been going for a week. No one's talking about anything else. Basically, you send in the question, Am I Weird? and we give our verdict on anything you do that might be a little bit out of the ordinary.

26:23Graham Norton:So week two, who's asking?

26:25Maria McErlane:I think people are going to try and out-weird each other, aren't they? Good. I think it's going to get a little bit the word. That was a show in the 1990s. Oh, you do remember that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Granny's kissing and things. Anyway, here it is. This is from Mark and he's in Tombridge Wells. You just said that.

26:41Graham Norton:No.

26:41Maria McErlane:Oh, I just said it. Okay. Hi, Graham and Maria.

26:47Graham Norton:If you're a doctor, please email in. Hanging on at this in the code UK. I don't want to diagnose her myself.

26:57Maria McErlane:Am I weird in saying, after everything I said, did you just say that?

27:01Graham Norton:I heard that. Were you talking? No, it was you.

27:06Maria McErlane:Okay, stop. Hi, Graham and Maria. Am I weird that I take a souvenir from my one-night stands? Nothing major. I'm not a hardened criminal. just a little keepsake from their place. So far, I've nabbed a lovely bar of soap, a glass tumbler, a coaster and a fetching scarf. All from different people, I should add. Oh, we don't like this, Mark, in Tunbridge Wells. I do think that that's kind of what they call stealing.

27:35Graham Norton:Yes, I was expecting smaller things, like a button or, you know... Yeah, a cigarette butt. Yeah, or a used cotton-tip bud from the bathroom. Not like a scarf.

27:46Maria McErlane:Yeah. Because also, Mark in Tunbridge Wells, I want to say to you, what do you do with these things? Have you got a little glass case at home where you, you know, keep them and then there's a story attached to this one? Oh, yeah, she was a blonde. I met her in the pub.

28:00Graham Norton:Use them as an aid memoir.

28:02Maria McErlane:Yeah, I don't like it. It's not good. If you ask people when you, you know, sleep with them or whatever you do, say, do you think I can take something from you? You know what they're going to say? No.

28:12Graham Norton:Yeah. Also, it's kind of weird because, yes, it's a lovely aid memoir. No, it's horrible. But equally, it's not great. You've only got four things. Well, maybe. I'm a player. No, I've got a tumbler, a scarf, and a coaster.

28:30Maria McErlane:Maybe he's just selected a few from a very long list.

28:33Graham Norton:I don't think so.

28:34Maria McErlane:No, you don't think so. But I'm urging you, Mark, to stop because, you know, that scarf was knitted by her granny or his granny. We don't know, do we?

28:43Graham Norton:That we don't know. I'm, yes, I think I agree with Maria in this case, Mark. You are weird. And also, it's a bit, yeah, it's a bit kleptey. It's a bit, it's a bit seely.

28:53Maria McErlane:I mean, listen, if you're going to say to the people that I had a really nice time with you last night, I'm never going to call you again, by the way, but can I have a memento? See how they respond.

29:03Graham Norton:Yeah, no, take a photograph of them while they're sleeping on your phone. nothing weird about that don't, don't

29:10Maria McErlane:I had a person whose house I went back to no and oddly he was my old art teacher's son that I then met up with in London my mistake I know, I know, I know, I know so I went back to his house and I think we knew what was on the cards and then I saw on his wall in his desk it was Polaroids in those days of course lots of Polaroids of ladies in

29:33Graham Norton:oh other people, not you

29:34Maria McErlane:other people, no not me and then he said to me, do you want to have a photograph? And I said, no, thank you. I'm leaving. Because I don't like, you know, that's for him. It's like having a little wank bank, isn't it? Is that what that is? Well, I don't know.

29:50Graham Norton:I remember a bar in LA where you get a free drink if you went to the back and let them take a picture of your penis.

29:56Maria McErlane:No.

29:57Graham Norton:And then the pictures were all hung up on a washing line and you'd kind of be looking at them all thinking, I wonder whose is whose. They were headless.

30:04Maria McErlane:I could go into that and have a picture of my penis taken. Yes.

30:09Graham Norton:Worth it for a free drink, isn't it?

30:10Maria McErlane:Where they hang it up with the rest. Very tiny one.

30:15Graham Norton:Peering up. It was the lighting. It was the lighting. That's very weird. Yes, Mark, you're weird. And with that, we are out of time and interest. We should mention again, in case you haven't guessed, we aren't experts. Not even slightly.

30:31Maria McErlane:Yes. Now, if you need genuine help.

30:33Graham Norton:Really, Maria?

30:34Maria McErlane:No. Please seek out genuine help from the proper channels. And there's more on our...

30:43Graham Norton:Go to the checkout, not the self-service aisle.

30:46Maria McErlane:I'm getting hysterical. We're on Instagram as well, at wangingon.

30:51Graham Norton:But if you do want some totally on serious advice, then get in touch, wangingon at listen.co.uk.

30:58Maria McErlane:And Wanging On with Graeme and Maria is a Listen production.

31:01Graham Norton:All of that is true. Have a great week and we'll see you next time. Bye-bye.