"I Strongly Suspect my Colleague of Eating my Lunch" - plus other grave dilemmas...

19:06That, and also being wildly jealous that, you know, she gets to be in the house that he will then be paying for and spending all that time with the child that he'd probably like to be spending with the child.

19:19Maria McErlane:I do think the notion of trad wife, does it make me feel like 1950s, number one, that you're in a sort of, you know, peplum flared skirt and you're making cakes and so on. And I do think it's slightly empty. You will be bored. My suggestion would be to you, Kira, to do less work. So maybe go three days a week. And then you can have two days to do the thing that you think you might want to do all the time, but just try it out. I feel like this is proper, you know, it's an overreaction to something. I remember when I was about 14, I think 15 maybe, in school, and everything seemed really stressful, kind of big exams and the idea of what I was going to do with my life and all that sort of stuff.

20:03And we were studying the Middle Ages, and I thought, wouldn't be a monk be marvellous? You were told what to wear every day. The food just showed up. You knew where you were living. You didn't have to pay rent. I just thought a monk's life just seemed so stress-free. As a child, I thought that.

20:22Maria McErlane:A lot of praying, though. Yeah, but that doesn't matter. To somebody. Did you believe in baby Jesus? No, but I didn't want to work hard to pay rent. And, you know, and I was just wearing a nice brown dress. You've got your wish. And I don't get to wear a brown dress every day. No, but you are matching me today. Yes, in the donkey brown shades. Lovely. Back to Kira. Who? Yes, exactly. This show is all about us. I mean, obviously you're thinking about the patriarchy here, Kira, and the fact that you have to do all the childcare, you have to make the meals, you have to do this. So I think I would like to have a word with your husband and find out what he's doing.

21:01Maria McErlane:and if he's helping you, taking some of that pressure off. But it's extraordinary. Whenever you talk to people who are in kind of straight relationships, that division of labour, even now in 2025, even the women who have married someone who are totally on board and da-da-da-da, there's still something that when it comes to it, the man will sort of be looking around the kitchen going, I wonder when the food's going to be here. Or, gosh, this room's quite messy. I wonder when it's going to get tidy. I mean, the reconstructed man does exist. Let's acknowledge that. However... But even he. And also, you know, friends of mine will say, oh, he said the other day, we had a big chair, and he said, I've put the bins out or I've loaded the dishwasher.

21:46Maria McErlane:Like, congratulations. I do that all the time without comment. Yeah. It's that. It's like you want reward for things. And actually, packing the children's suitcase as well as your own to go on holiday, they wouldn't even think about doing that. It's like Chris Rock has a thing about people saying that they're a good dad. It's like, no, you're just being a dad. Like, that's what you're supposed to do. Yeah. There's no kind of like, look what I did. No, that's the minimum what you're doing. Yeah, that is part of the job about having children. But as for being a traditional, I don't think we live in the trad wife world unless you, you know, live in Utah and you're a Mormon probably.

22:23Yeah, but even then, I mean, Kira, I think unless you're going to kind of turn it into some sort of Instagram fabulousness. I've become a trad wife and now I'm growing geraniums from seed and, you know, whatever. Become Martha Stewart. That kind of thing. I think then, other than that,

22:41Maria McErlane:it is going to end up being boring. But then there is the other thing. What's wrong with, you know, watching this morning from start to finish? Have you done that? Then lose women. No, I'm not a trad wife. I'm not a wife. I'm not trad or a wife. But, you know, a lot of people like to just watch telly all day and do very little and not get out of their dressing gown because they might as well just keep it on because in a minute they're going to bed. Yeah. And also, I feel I'm giving too much away. But also, the two-year-old is going to be a five-year-old any minute now. Going to be at school. They'll be at school and then you're sat at home going, oh, what do I do now?

23:22Yeah. And also, you know, it'll never be satisfying enough and also, if I was the husband, I would want to come home and find just extraordinary transformations in the house.

23:33Maria McErlane:Wow. Yeah. Glad I'm not married to you. Well, because she's saying, oh, I'm going to be this trad wife. Well, do it then. Yeah. Well, she could just say to him when he gets in from work, you'll never guess who they had on this morning. And just occupy her time when she's making him fish fingers for tea. Again. And they're not quite defrosted. I really think, Kira, if you're in a high-pressure job now, you're going to get bored very quickly with the kind of musings of what you think your life should be or could be. I do think try and negotiate, both with your husband and with your job, that you do fewer days.

24:11And also talk to your husband. If your husband knows this is how stressed and anxious you are about all the things you've been given to do all the time, I think that might be his wake-up call to go, oh, actually, I have dropped the ball at home a bit and I should be doing more. And, you know, and then that might ease some of this as well.

24:34Maria McErlane:Yeah, he doesn't get much of a mention, does he? Other than I haven't discussed it with him yet. Well, no, she does say it isn't exactly equal, you know. No, life is not equal. And really that's been... But it could be more equal. Yes, it could be more equal. And I feel like he needs to know that Kira's that unhappy because I think that might be surprising to him. He may not know that that's the situation and he should. Anyway, Kira, Instagram everything of all your cakes that you made and all the things you planted in the garden and send us pictures, please. A reminder, by the way, you can have early eyes on these problems by emailing wangingon at listen.co.uk.

25:14OK, these wangers have, and here are the responses. Maria, read aloud, please, I beg you.

25:20Maria McErlane:I am about to. Jenny says, I did it. I lasted a year. I was bored to tears and went back to work four days a week. It depends what's important to you, but I need to feel motivated and part of a team. I think listen to Jenny. Kira, listen to Jenny. Sandra says, why is there such stigma attached to women who stay at home? I haven't had a job for over 20 years now. There's plenty to take responsibility for around the house, especially if you have kids. If that's where you're needed most, do it. And don't listen to the naysayers. Well, good one. No, it is. And look, you know, my mother, she was a homemaker and, you know, incredibly bright, you know, reads all the time.

26:07Do you think she regretted it? I sort of regret it for her, but I don't think she does, no. I think she, you know, she knew what she was doing. She was managing the home. She was managing the money that came in. You know, I think all of that.

26:20Maria McErlane:So I think it... Mine too, my mum never worked. But then in the 1800s when we were born, that was the trad wife time, wasn't it? You'd be burnt as a witch if you got a job. Yes. I think that's what happened to my mum. She suddenly disappeared. Anyway, Sean says, I'm joking. Sean says, if you're a feminist, there's an obvious answer here that you are not considering. Yes, talk to your husband, but talk about him giving up work. Okay, to be a house husband with him looking after things at home. You won't feel like you're being pulled in different directions so much and your career can truly flourish.

26:56Maria McErlane:You're welcome. I feel that Sean is taking the mickey a little bit there. I feel like Kira won't be quite so keen on that advice. Yeah, as we know, Sean, men in the workplace invariably earn more than women. Because that too has never changed. That too has never changed, even though it should have done. Andy says, do it and lean into it. Wear pearls. Bake fresh bread for your neighbours. The works. I'd secretly love it if my wife did that. Oh, interesting. And some topiary. Topiary. Yes. Flower arranging. When you've got time, topiary, that'll kill it. Kira, good luck with your decision. And thanks for all the responses we had to that one.

27:34Dilemma 2 is next.

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28:34Maria McErlane:This episode of Wanging On is brought to you by Drambui. Which means we get to answer a bonus problem sent in by the Wangers. Maria, if you please. Yes, Graham. I will do as you ask and read a problem. Dear Graham and Maria, I love hosting. So do I. But there is always one couple who never seems to know when the night is over. That's me at your house. Midnight comes and goes, everyone else has gone home, and I'm in the kitchen in my pyjamas loading the dishwasher while they're still on the sofa happily chatting away. I don't want to be rude, but I also don't want to be up until 2am every time I invite people over.

29:12Maria McErlane:How do I get them out of the door without making it awkward? Is there a polite way to hint? Or do I just have to stop inviting them altogether? And that is from Ella. Now, you know this because you've had lots of parties where people just won't go. There's that. Well, look, I always think, but I think when it gets down to the final two. Yeah, they must feel embarrassed. Well, I always think if it's a couple, one of them gets it. Yeah. Don't you think? Normally one of them is going, we don't know. I know when it's been so hospitable and you always make your party so nice. Then they don't want to go.

29:44Maria McErlane:They go, our lives at home together are boring. I hate him. I don't know why I married him. Please let us stay here on the sofa. We'll be no trouble. We have to buy our own wine at home. And I feel like, I honestly think we're all grownups. Well, I don't know how old Ella is, but she's got a dishwasher. So I'm thinking, this is a functioning adult. She's a responsible adult. She knows how to load a dishwasher, or does she? And she wears pyjamas. I mean, come on. So I think, as responsible adults, you're allowed to say to these people, oh God, it's been so fun, I hate to be this person, but I've got to be up in the morning.

30:19Do you need me to get you an Uber, or have you got your own way home?

30:23Maria McErlane:I'm recognising this speech. But did it offend you? No. No. But if you know these people and you like them, and it's a party, I think you can say, have you noticed, guys, that there's no one else here but you yeah and also I feel like I think you know Ella's so worried about kind of you know it being awkward or not polite and I think we're kind of ingrained to think that asking someone to leave your house is a rude thing to do but it doesn't have to be well because you've asked them over so now you're asking them to leave but also when you have the invites you have to put from six till nine shop yes we have to be somewhere yeah yeah we've made We've made other plans.

31:05Maria McErlane:We're expecting more important people at nine. You're the first batch coming to my party. You're our practice party. You're the rehearsal party. Oh, my God. And we're having the real thing at Alperstein. So I think, Ella, just be up front with them. You know, because there's all those things about getting the hoover out or, you know, putting on the birdie song and things. I don't think you need to do any of that stuff. Putting on the birdie song. It does clear a room. Does it? Or at this time of the night, might get them on their feet. I was going to say, if that was me. So I'd go, hey, he's got some...

31:37I know all the moves.

31:38Maria McErlane:Look at me. No, the gone are the days when I hang around at parties. Don't do that. Aren't they? Oh, that's rude. I don't know. I think you just have to be grown up about it, Ella, and say, as Graham said, you know, it's been a great night. Hasn't it been a great night? Did you enjoy it? It's over. Shall I get your coats? Shall I get your coats? And then they have to kind of go, oh, oh, yes, yes, yes. Oh, sorry, we overstayed our welcome. No, no, no, no. And then they go, oh, okay, then sit back down. I remember once someone would not leave. Me, wasn't me? No, it wasn't you. It was someone else.

32:20I know who that was. Yes. And they asked for another drink when clearly it was all over. And I think I gave...

32:27Maria McErlane:Why didn't you say we've had a lovely time, but can you now? I gave it to them in a plastic glass. And I said... Take it with you. I can take it with you. Good. In retrospect, do you... Yes, Ben. In retrospect, do you wish you would have said something earlier? Well, I did. Okay. But, you know... Some people don't take the hint. Some people don't take the hint. And Ella is obviously in that situation. And sometimes, Ella, you know, she might have to end up being cruel to be kind. Cruel to be cruel, I think. Get out of my house. Cruel to be cruel. Look, those are our thoughts, Ella. But next time, even if you do struggle to get them out of the door, why not enjoy your evening?

33:02with a drambui. This is such a simple way to surprise your guests. You know, just drambui and espresso. And delicious. And ice, of course. That's the secret. Ice. Shall we toast to another problem solved?

33:14Maria McErlane:I think so. Good luck, Ella. Drambui iced espresso, the unexpected crowd pleaser. Please enjoy and share drambui responsibly. Visit drinkaware.co.uk for more information. All right, Maria. Yes. We need another letter. Number two is being opened as we speak. Dear Graham and Maria, I strongly suspect my colleague of eating my lunch. Ooh! The end. I like it. I strongly suspect. Strongly suspect. I have video evidence. Yes, I've taken a dental mould. The thing is, he, we've already narrowed it down, he never eats it all. Just a couple of forkfuls of whatever I've made. perhaps because it looks so appetizing.

34:03Maria McErlane:Yeah, right. It's not Michelin star stuff, but whenever I have leftover casserole or perhaps a chicken curry, I pop it in a Tupperware box and put it in the work fridge. There's a label with my name on the box. You deserve to have your food eaten. Anyone who puts their name on things, that's like a red flag for anyone who wants to steal. Oh, Barbara's bought something. Ooh, nice. That's delicious. I'll only have a bit more. Put it back. She'll never know. Okay. And yet, when lunchtime comes... Oh, we're back to the left of now. Yeah, yeah, sorry. Part two. You joined us after the interval. I decided I had to speak my own truth.

34:39Maria McErlane:And yet, when lunchtime comes, there's always a little bit less in a box than there was first thing in the morning. I don't get along with this guy. Now we're into the thing. We really rub each other up the wrong way. He spends an unnaturally long time in the kitchen for my liking. And I just had this gut feeling that he's the one helping himself. Shall I confront him? And that is from Paul. No. Paul, you see, I was with you for a while and then you did stuff about, you know, leftover casserole, chicken curry, pop it in a Tupperware box, put my name on it. That's all annoying. Well, here's my...

35:17Yes, he is annoying. You keep going.

35:19Maria McErlane:No, no, no. I kind of finished. All right. All I'll say to Paul is... Here's the thing. Because he's not eating at all, he's only having a few bites, he's clearly doing it to annoy you. He doesn't like you. You don't like him. And this is a brilliant way of winding you up. Do you think life is that petty in offices? He will be so happy to know that you were so upset, Paul, that you've written to us. He'll just be punching the air down the pub going, and you know what he did then? He wrote to that stupid podcast. He was so upset. And, Paul, all you need to do, it's such a no-brainer, like, you make it, you're bringing it from home.

35:58like whatever's in there it won't go off sitting in your desk drawer for a couple of hours for a couple of hours just don't put it in the fridge don't bring it to the kitchen and eat it all yourself and then you can shut up about it

36:10Maria McErlane:or the other thing is you could do all what you're doing and you know casserole or some curry and then you add some rat poison no Maria no I shouldn't have said that out loud I should have just thought that yeah okay and also that's when Paul discovers oh it wasn't him What I meant to say was, try this, Paul. Do all the things that you're doing, casserole, curry, Tupperware box, gaffer tape around the thing so that you can tell if it's been opened. OK. Is that going to stop somebody? No. Why? Because he's doing it to annoy him. He might be really hungry. Well, he only eats a little bit. He might have food issues.

36:51And also, maybe it's not as delicious as you think, Paul, otherwise he'd be finishing it, wouldn't he?

36:55Maria McErlane:Yes, if he was clever, he would just take the whole box and eat it and then destroy the box. And then when you hear, has anybody seen my tub? No. No.

37:07No, Paul, just keep the lunch with you. The fridge element is totally pointless. You're not going to get food poisoning for a couple of hours.

37:17Maria McErlane:But Paul is going to say, look, we've got a fridge. I bring my own lunch in. I go to the effort of making my own lunch for me, why shouldn't I be able to put it in a fridge? Why can't I trust my colleagues at work not to touch things with my name on in my Tupperware box and my chicken curry? There is a point to that. I see that. There is a point. The problem is Paul is such an amazing chef. You've taken again, Paul. The food looks so amazing. People can't resist. So I think he must be kind to others and hide it from them in his desk drawer. What about this, though? I just think of one more example.

37:56Maria McErlane:You do the thing with the Paul, and then whatever this man's name is who's doing this, you make another little Tupperware box with his name on it. Do you see? Mess with his head. Yes. Or get a really realistic fake finger and stick it into it. See, now you're coming along to my rat poison idea, aren't you? No, No, not rat poison. A plastic finger. There's a world of difference. I was joking about rat poison. Don't ever do that. Paul, I do think I want to know what happened. Yeah. I think this is very easily solved. Absolutely do not confront him about it because then the guy has won. The guy has won.

38:34Maria McErlane:You're very Machiavellian in your approach here. Well, no, because this guy, he's clearly, he's not doing this to anyone else. I know Paul's food is delicious, but he's not, he's clearly, it's doing it to Paul. So, Paul, remove the problem, put it in your desk drawer, and that's the end of it. Yes, and find a way to rub him up the wrong way that we don't know about yet. I think you can get some revenge here, Paul. They're obviously not very busy at work, is what I'm saying. Yeah, because he's in the kitchen, eating other people's lunches. He spends too long in the kitchen, this man. Actually, maybe he's eating everyone's, just a little bit of everyone's lunch.

39:13Maria McErlane:That could be true. What about if you put a notice around that you do in offices, you laminate something that you've typed, laminate. Do you still own your laminator? I do, I still have a laminator. There's not much left in my house that hasn't been laminated. I attempted to laminate the puppy, but that didn't work out so well. You put a laminated form up in the kitchen saying, due to people eating food, stuff from the fridge that isn't theirs, we have installed a camera. Oh. Yeah. And it's a laminator cheaper than a camera. Well, you can get pretend fake cameras. Those cameras are so cheap, Namaria.

39:50Oh, are they? Yeah, just get a fake camera if that's what you're interested in. But I think workplace, I think HR. Would say no. I think they'd say no.

39:58Maria McErlane:In case people do something private in the kitchen like masturbate. Because the food was so delicious. That food has really turned me on. His presentation. I can't. I can't resist.

40:16I'm a fool for coriander.

40:23Maria McErlane:Sorry. Yes, we're not putting a camera in the office. No, we can't. We can't. No, no. I don't know if you're allowed. I think that's privacy things, isn't it? But you can pretend. How did they see that guy, the MP, kissing the woman in the office? Matt Hancock. Matt Hancock. How did they see that? There are cameras there. Yeah. Yeah. So, why don't you get a job in the government? Become an MP and invite the one who rubs you up the wrong way to become an MP2. And then see if he's eating your lunch. Well, I think we've solved that. I hope we've helped, Paul. It took us a while to come to that conclusion, but I'm happy with it.

40:59I'm sure our wangers have been keen to weigh in on this one. What are they saying, Maria?

41:03Maria McErlane:I'm still laughing. Okay. Love that food. It was just now a little bit. Jill says, just make extra. I said, no, Jill, take it as a compliment that he loves your cooking that much. Oh, Jill has a lovely life. Yeah. She's a trad wife. Batch cooking. I'm batch cooking. Don't stop me. So much time on my hands. Ryan. Yes? He's only sent us a voice note. Get out of here. One word. Laxatives. A greedy goose who lays so many golden eggs in the afternoon, you never so much as cast a salivating glance in your grub's direction ever again. Is Ryan related to the craze? Ryan has been in a Guy Ritchie movie, I feel.

41:49Not a good one. Are there? Oh!

41:55Maria McErlane:I'm going to write in and complain about Ryan's pretend accent. He was disguising his voice, I feel. And also, don't do that, because then you become the villain. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah. Wendy says, this is incredibly rude, and if it's happened a number of times, a gentle all-staff email needs to be sent. Just kindly remind everyone of kitchen etiquette and ask that whoever it is, in inverted commas, stops eating your home-cooked dishes. Oh, Wendy, no. That is just going to be a feeding frenzy. Yeah. You've got to find notes. Feeding frenzy. But it will be a feeding frenzy. Yeah, yeah. Because people have just got to go, yeah, we'll all eat your stupid lunch.

42:34Show him. Yeah, now there's none left. How'd you like that?

42:38Maria McErlane:Jack says, you don't actually know if it's this guy or not, hence my camera idea. You just don't like him. You need to start hovering in the kitchen more yourself. Then whoever is doing it will get the message and stop. Oh, wishful thinking. Yes. Yeah, and also then you'll just be sacked because you're never at your desk, you're in the kitchen all the time. Hovering. Yeah, hovering. What are you doing in here? Hovering. Paul, what a dilemma. I'm sure we've helped. I'm sure we have. It's been a very, very productive day, Graham. It really has. Right, just time before we finish with this week's Am I Weird?

43:16For the last time today, take it away.

43:18Maria McErlane:Hi, Graham and Maria. Am I weird that I go to the cinema by myself once a week? It's bliss, usually on Friday evening. The more I've done it, the more annoying I find it to go with a friend sat there rustling and munching next to me. And that is from Alex in Birmingham. Alex in Birmingham, I'm going to categorically say you are not weird for going to the cinema on your own. I think it's a really lovely thing to do. I don't know about, you know, rustling and munching and so on, but it's the, what did he say? I hate that when you go to the cinema and somebody's next to you and you go, what did he say?

43:51Maria McErlane:Or what's he been in? Or is that the one that was in the car? Yes, that. All of those things. But why is she trying to kill him? and you do I thought he was dead so I mean I don't know if Graham feels the same but I think going to the cinema on your own is one of life's pleasures it used to be oh I think audiences have just got terrible now whenever I do go to the cinema I'm always kind of shocked by the amount of people on their phones through the whole film not noisy or anything but your eye you know you're there caught by the screen you're there because I want to see this on a big screen in these perfect kind of surroundings and then you just see these pools of light in the audience.

44:35Maria McErlane:Why are people on their phone when they go to the phone? Because they can't be away from their phone for the time it takes for a film to play. Yeah, and also they're making films far too long now and they are very boring. I don't blame people. Oh no, three and a half hour films. That's not necessary. That's a television series but you're sitting in one room the whole time. I think there's an answer to that though. It is to go to a matinee. You don't get very many people. Don't you get old people to matinees who talk all the time? Do they? Yes. I remember when I was at drama school, the matinee, this was a Swiss cottage, and we got a particular kind of blue rinse brigade who had no idea that they weren't watching television.

45:09I mean, they really just chatted the whole way through. I don't like him. Lots of that. I feel a cinema matinee moment might be like that. Yeah. Do you remember the olden days when you could watch a film and then if you'd missed any of it, if you just sat there, it would start again.

45:30Maria McErlane:I watched so many films so many times because you didn't have to pay again. I think I saw The Sound of Music a couple of times. You just wait until the ads come on and then it plays again. That explains so much. How do you solve a problem like Maria? Listen, that is us on Wanging On for this week. If you want your dilemma discussed on this podcast, please email wangingon at listen.co.uk. It's as simple as that. Maria, words. Oh, yeah. It's the same thing every week. Yes, I don't know why it's always a struggle and surprise. it is always the same thing you'd think I'd know off my heart by now yes you would yes yes and do remember if you need genuine expert help with any of Life Tilemas you could do a lot better than the two of us quite frankly there's more information on our Instagram find us at wanging on you really lifted that off the page it was lovely wanging on with Graham Maria is a listen production we'll see you next time bye bye bye bye

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