Is He Having an Affair? Plus Noisy Budgies and Solo Holidays: Graham and Maria discuss...

18:10Maria McErlane:I like that you're doubling down on this problem, Jo. It's a good idea. I think people are just ignoring the fact that Lou lives no sort of a lunatic. But, you know, it is what it is, Graham, so you've got to find a way of living with that. Okay. And behaving even more like a lunatic, perhaps, as Jo has suggested by getting wind chimes. Do wind chimes annoy you? Do you know, weirdly, my own don't. Ah. Other people's, really annoying. Oh, my goodness. Have you got special ones that do different notes? No, no, no. Mine are really annoying. Mine are an old teapot that have cutlery hanging off. So it's not even a nice sound.

18:45It's just the sound of cutlery rattling in a drawer.

18:48Maria McErlane:This is in your kind of patio garden, isn't it? Yeah, but it's quite far away from my bedroom, but quite close to other people's. I am that neighbour. You are. I'm throwing things over your wall. Okay, Claire says, your neighbour is behaving like a brat. However, there are ways to train your budgie to make less noise. to tell us, Claire. You could train your budgie to operate a DJ system and have club nights for all her budgie friends. All above the beast, above the beast. I like that, but it's mad. Tiny little headphones, one on, one off, with a wing. A wing. And perch. Perch very perilously on its butt.

19:31Maria McErlane:Okay, train your budgie to make less noise. This is how you do it, apparently. Walk out the room when they start squawking and only return when they stop. Wonderful, Claire. Thank you very much for that. Either that or buy your budgie a toy. Go live next door. Buy your budgie a toy that redirects their focus and keeps them quiet. There are lots available. Have you ever bought a budgie toy? They like cuttlefish, don't they? Oh, you do know more than you. Get a big bit of cuttlefish. You just find it on the beach in Australia, which is on the coast, you know. and just shove it in there. Yeah. I don't think that's...

20:08Maria McErlane:I think this budgie does need stimulation. Do you think maybe it's not a budgie? It's some sort of wild... It's a parakeet. It's some wild creature that she's bought by accident. I think... I had a friend who had a budgie and she let it out of the cage. I mean, obviously, close the windows. Yes, wise. And it flew around the place and was very happy and sort of landed on her head periodically. But don't they shit everywhere? Well, yeah, but, you know, if you want a budgie, you put up with that. We'd put up with dogs. No, but you don't encourage them to do it. No. If you let a budgie fly around a room, you're kind of going, have asses, you know.

20:45Maria McErlane:Is somebody still talking? Oh, it's you. I don't think we've been very helpful about the budgie with Lou, especially as she is really, theoretically, one of our wangers. We should have made a greater effort. Lou and indeed Joe, who's probably listening. Maybe this has kept him quiet for a few minutes. You never know. they're talking about me Joey what do you do to my do who's a pretty boy that kind of thing yeah Lou and Joe good luck with that neighbour sorry we weren't more help second dilemma is on its way hey Chicago class it up with Crocs you know back to school is coming in fast so why wait to find your new fave footwear step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look try it Style it.

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22:48Maria McErlane:Letter number two, please, Maria. Yes, Graham, we're racing through today. Yes. I'm surprised to find out this is letter number two. I thought it was surely three or four by now. I'm surprised to find out it's Tuesday. I can't believe we spoke to Lou for so long about her budgie. A special extended edition of Wanging On. We may have to come back to it at some point as well. Yeah, I think the people will demand it. OK, here's the next letter. Clear your mind. Dear Graham and Maria, I think my partner has a crush on a work colleague. I don't think it's gone any further, but he's started going for drinks after work with her and a few other people.

23:30Maria McErlane:I'm worried that it might lead to something. He talks about this woman a lot, and they seem to have a lot of in-jokes. Shall I mention it? And that is from Hannah. Difficult one, Hannah, because you could look like a jealous partner, and you don't want to do that. However, I do think there's a sort of witchy second, you know. Yes. You kind of know things about your partner. You get to know what's going on. So I would say hit this on the head. And if he's talking about her a lot, let's call her Elaine. Why don't you say to him, hey, look, I've got somebody from work. You know, think of a friend from work, maybe male.

24:11Maria McErlane:Why don't you invite Elaine round and I'll invite Jeremy from the office and we can have a... Orgy.

24:21Maria McErlane:Was that what you were looking for? No, no, no. But I think you knew that. Have I not helped? Yeah. we're going to have a lovely dinner and then I can get to know Elaine as well. Ooh. Therefore, what you're trying to do with this... Oh, it's like it's Christmas. You're trying to diffuse... I've got a bad chest grave, please. You're trying to diffuse the situation by having Elaine over and, you know, Jeremy from your office who's a bit of a drip, but might like Elaine. I think you're right. You ought to be able to say something about this, but the minute you do, Even if you're right, even if you're absolutely buying the money, it's just there's something, it's like you're just putting on a T-shirt that says, I am insecure.

25:02I don't trust you. Yeah, I'm insecure. I am jealous. The problem is me. Because he will gaslight you and kind of go, what are you talking about? We're just friends. I mean, I would do a little bit of research, Hannah. I would find out a bit more about Elaine.

25:14Maria McErlane:How are you doing that then, Graham? I could ask a husband who seems to love talking about Elaine all the time, and they're in jokes. I know, but if you inquire too much, he's going to smell a rat as well. Well, he's clearly a moron if he's just, you know what I mean? I think Hannah's right, nothing's happened yet, because this man, the time to worry is when he stops talking about Elaine. Because then, you know, some sort of line has been crossed, I would say. Don't you think? Listen to you, Columbo. Well, don't you think? Because now he's all relaxed. I really like Elaine. Oh, let's go out for drinks.

25:46You know, we've got in jokes.

25:47Maria McErlane:Yeah, the very fact that he's told you about it is kind of like it could be a precursor for something else. It could be he's, you know, telling mummy so that mummy doesn't get jealous or whatever or to absolve him. But I do think if you've got this witchy sense of there's something going on here, then once you get Elaine to your house. You can kill her. Yeah, that's that. But first you can check it out. You'll know. You'll know how they react when they're together. And you can fill in Jeremy from your office as well as to what he's got to look out for. Get him on side is what I'm trying to say.

26:25What is so frustrating about these things is no matter how valid your suspicions are, the other person will make you feel like a crazy person. They will gaslight you into, you know, even if nothing's going on, the boyfriend will be outraged that Hannah had these suspicions. Whereas in fact, perfectly right to have these suspicions because he's leading you to those conclusions.

26:50Maria McErlane:Yeah, but I think you're right by the very fact that he's, normally people are sort of subversive about it. The very fact that he's saying, oh, this is really good fun and blah, blah, blah. If she's such good fun, let's have a round. You know, I mean, I do think that is the only way forward for you. You can't find out anything more. And then once you see them both together, your fears will either be confirmed or be, you know, dissolved. Yes. I mean, he doesn't sound like a very sophisticated cheater if he's a cheater in that he has told her all about this woman. Yeah. So, yes, I think nothing's happened yet, I would say.

27:27So, that's good.

27:28Maria McErlane:But sometimes in these situations, men aren't very sophisticated creatures. I mean, I'm generalizing here. And yet. Yeah. It's true. I mean, as Kathy Burke says, you know, men will have sex with a ham sandwich. That's what she said. Called Elaine. Elaine. I'll have an Elaine, please. Extra mayo. Activate the wangers quickly, I believe. Here we go. Lloyd says, if this colleague was male, presumably you wouldn't bat an eyelid. It's just a friend and you need to stop being so paranoid. Lloyd's so innocent. Lloyd has a lot of experience in this sort of work. Louise says, it sounds like a bit of harmless team bonding to me.

28:14Maria McErlane:Don't mention it. Get some more of your own stuff happening instead. When I say she should have an affair. Go on, Hannah. Casey's left as a voice note and this is them. I think you can't mention it in an accusatory way or anything if you haven't got any evidence that it's gone any further. But if it's bothering you and it's giving you a bad gut feeling, I think you've got to mention it and make sure that he knows how you feel because he might be totally oblivious to the fact that it's making you uncomfortable. But until you have a conversation about it, he can't know and he can't change. So I would definitely bring it up and have a conversation about it for sure.

28:48Was that Jo the Budgie?

28:50Maria McErlane:But I love the way, I think she was from New Zealand actually because she said evidence. Oh. Not evidence. Is that like a New Zealand cop? Evidence, yeah. Is that in Short Street? Thank you, Casey. You see, Gerry says, it sounds like you're jumping to a lot of conclusions here. But if it's on your mind, yes, you should talk to him or perhaps broach the subject in a more general sense. For example, ask him if he thinks flirting with other people when you're in a relationship is OK. Gerry, have you lost the plot? Some people are fine with it. You need to find out if your principles align on stuff like this.

29:29I mean, I know what she means, but that's a bit, it's too on the nose.

29:35Maria McErlane:On the nose, that is very much on the nose. I mean, because actually flirting, I love flirting. Flirting is great. Flirting with women, flirting with men, it's great. It's fun. It's like, you know, doing... But it can lead to trouble. It can lead to trouble, but it is like sort of sword fighting. It is parrying and, you know, fighting back and so on. But in this particular case, I do think, you know... And also you're single, so you're allowed to flirt and do all of that. Yeah, but even when I was, you know, in a relationship, maybe that's why I stopped being in a relationship. You know, you can flirt with everybody.

30:08Maria McErlane:Paulie Yates said to me, you know, she flirts with everyone. Yeah. And she was a great flirt. But shall we just see what Wayne has to say? Oh, yes. Here's the last one. Wayne says, why don't you go along to the after work drinks? Spend more time with the two of them. And that sounds a little bit, you know, suspicious though, doesn't it? Spend more time with the two of them and see the dynamic between them for yourself. Yes, I think it's wise. Then you can see with your own eyes whether there's really a problem. You might love her and become friends with her yourself, which is why I'm saying have them around for dinner.

30:35Maria McErlane:But maybe Hannah isn't the sort of person that has people around for dinner. And also, it's a lot... Do you know what I mean? If my boyfriend's cheating on me, I don't want to spend time chopping vegetables. Make dinner for his mistress. Yes. Well, what am I inviting her over for a drink? Go out for a drink and thing. Don't have her in your house. You don't want that bitch in your house. Well, my goodness, we have really... Whoever this poor woman is, we're calling her Elaine. Sorry for all the Elanes out there. We are vilifying. No, no. And her husband seemed to get away with the... Yeah, no, I think the boyfriend...

31:10Look, Hannah, hopefully we've helped in some small way. Good luck. And let us know. Yes, please do. Right, just time to ask that question. Am I weird? And asking it today is Sean in Cork. What has he got to say, Maria?

31:25Maria McErlane:Sean in Cork says, Dear Graeme and Maria, am I weird that I only like to travel alone? I've been on holidays with friends and with family, but nothing beats a city break or even something longer in my own company. I'm quite sure I never want to go away with anyone else ever again. Oh, quite sad. Well, I think, you know, to like your own company, well done to you because it means you'll never be lonely. But it also sounds like you'll never have any friends, doesn't it? Well, it's something weird. Like, I think, you know, being able to go into a restaurant and have dinner by yourself, it's quite a strong thing to do.

32:05I mean, even now, I find that quite hard to do. Do you? I do do it. But now it's easier because you can scroll through your phone or whatever. But, you know, you have to take a deep breath before you table for one, please. So good on you for that, Sean. The only thing I think is when you're traveling, even if you're with someone that you're not gelling with completely, somehow seeing the experience through someone else's eyes does double the experience or expands the experience.

32:34Maria McErlane:And also maybe it's that thing of I'm going to, you know, the Church of Blood today and you're going off to the library. So shall we meet up for dinner, maybe a date? And then you have somebody to share, a bit like you're saying, what you've seen, what you've done, etc. I mean, I think also it's easier to travel alone when you're younger. I used to do a lot of it. But now I really, because I like talking to people. You know how I talk to people. It annoys you. Yeah, it annoys you. Hello, what's your name? But now it's harder because nobody really wants to talk to an older lady. Oh, they do. No, that is true.

33:08Maria McErlane:People are a bit suspicious. Like, what do you want from me, bitch? Well. I don't want anything. Well, from, you know, maybe. Tell me a story. Yeah. Amuse me. See that drink? Could you buy that me? Please. I don't. See the fancy cocktail? I'd like that. Yeah. Buy it for me now or I'll say you hurt me. I'll call the police. Ow! Why would you do that to me? I'm an old lady. Sitting here minding my own business. Can someone call the police? Now, here's the thing, though. Yes, is it weird? Well, I think short on holidays, there's something... Because your only memory of that holiday will now just be selfies, which seems to have diminished the thing.

33:53Like, I always remember years ago when I was in San Francisco, I was much younger, I had no money. I spent, for me, a lot of money to go and see Al Pacino in American Buffalo.

34:04Maria McErlane:I saw that in England. I paid a fortune and I sat by myself up in the gods in the theatre looking at it I remember afterwards he was good wasn't he but afterwards I did think I could have just told people I saw that and had the money because but you experienced something it was way over there it was like miles away it could have been anybody wow yeah just me Danny Dyer is that I think he did do the American tour is that what you is that what you do now you just tell people or you went somewhere. Well, no, but I think if you go to see a show with someone, then it's a shared memory and you get to kind of, I don't know, you've seen that show in a different way.

34:46Whereas if you go by yourself, it's almost like it didn't happen.

34:49Maria McErlane:Yeah. So I think there's a compromise to be had, Sean. So I saw, do you know what? I'm going, Sean, that you like being on your own so much is slightly weird, I'm saying. If I'm to like it, but to like it to the exclusion of all else seems a bit weird. I'm not ready to damn you yet, Sean, because I need to know a bit more about your life. So could you send me a four-page letter with a few more details? And maybe come to Hastings and spend some time at Rio. No! He'll love that. He loves being abroad with others. Hastings is not abroad. It's on the south coast of England, by the way. It is if you're in Cork in Ireland.

35:27Paying attention, see?

35:29Maria McErlane:I know, but I like the fact that he thinks that England is abroad. It is. I would never think that Ireland is abroad. It is. Abroad to me is Europe. It is. Only just. And with that, we've finished another edition of Wanging On. Thank you so much to Hannah and Lou for sharing their dilemmas. And, of course, to all the wangers for sharing their advice as well. Can you just do that last little bit for me, please? I will. So I don't have to put my glasses on. Because I like to just sort of look at the camera like this. You look wistful. Yeah, think about your holiday with Sean. Our email address, if you'd like to get in touch, is wangingon at this.co.uk or you could also contact us at Instagram, at wangingon, where you'll also find tips on how to get proper advice.

36:17Maria McErlane:Yeah, that's really important. We're going to be back next week. Are we, Graham? Yeah, more dilemmas for people to solve. I'm not sure that, have I got things to say? No, it's fine, I'll say it. Wanging on with Graham Rea is a Listen production. Dear God, this is over. Goodbye.

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