Militant Vegetarianism, Unwanted Cash... and mispronounced words.

4:48Maria McErlane:No, Irish grandparents. I don't have any parents. I was found in a basket.

4:55Graham Norton:Raised by wolves.

5:00Graham Norton:They answered an advertisement.

5:05Maria McErlane:Wanted parents for a small baby. Irritating baby.

5:09Graham Norton:Nuclear family.

5:11Maria McErlane:Nuclear family for this small child. I know this is not mispronunciation, but grammar as well. I once dumped quite a well-known actor who I was seeing because he sent me an email. I think it might have been a sort of precursor to him dumping me, which was, you're really lovely, but he spelt you're wrong. Oh. So he spelt you're Y-O-U-R.

5:34Graham Norton:N-T. You aren't. You aren't really lovely. No, you're really lovely.

5:42Maria McErlane:instead of you are really lovely. And I just thought, I can't, I can't. Somebody who doesn't know the difference between your and your and also there and there. There are three there's. One with the I-E-R. I-E before I before E except obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there as in over there. And then the other one is. What? What? They are. Oh, there. They are. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do remember, though, Graham, talking of things that you're embarrassed by, mispronunciations, being about 21 at a dinner party with quite clever people. I think there was a professor from a university there and a playwright and my first boyfriend.

6:26Maria McErlane:And I remember saying, well, you see, as Proust said, instead of Proust, and everybody, because they didn't want to patronize a silly little girl. they just kind of went and sort of laughed behind their hands. Whereas actually the nicer thing to do in that situation would have been to say, oh, yes, no, you're right. He did say that, but I think they pronounce it Proust.

6:48Graham Norton:Or I think you don't even do that. You just go, oh, yes, I enjoy Proust as well. You know, just don't point it out, but make sure that you've heard it.

6:57Maria McErlane:But that is something that still makes my bottom clench.

7:01Graham Norton:You know, listen, on the chat show, often I'll have people on and I really don't know how to say their names.

7:08Maria McErlane:But presumably you get a researcher to ask in the first place.

7:11Graham Norton:I drill it into myself and I can do it till about a minute after the show's over.

7:18Maria McErlane:And then your brain says, let it go.

7:21Graham Norton:Absolutely. Idina Menzel, let it go. And then I do not know how to say their name anymore.

7:26Maria McErlane:It's good that your brain knows that this information is not necessary anymore.

7:31Graham Norton:Do you find when you're writing, because I do know all this stuff. Yes. I do know all this stuff. But when I'm writing, because spellcheck only kind of weighs its arms when something is spelt incorrectly. It doesn't know in the context of this sentence which there you wanted to put. Yes, yes. Sometimes if I'm really in it and I'm just typing, typing, typing, typing, typing, when I read it back, I will have got loads of things wrong because I don't know where my brain goes.

7:57Maria McErlane:Do you not watch what you're typing?

7:59Graham Norton:No.

8:00Maria McErlane:Wow.

8:01Graham Norton:No. I don't.

8:02Maria McErlane:So you don't touch type then? You look at the letters that you're typing?

8:05Graham Norton:Oh, I very much look at the letters that I'm typing with my two fingers.

8:10Maria McErlane:Because I'm always looking at what I'm typing.

8:13Graham Norton:Oh. Going, oh, that's brilliant.

8:16Maria McErlane:That is sensational.

8:18Graham Norton:Hardly able to see it through the tears.

8:20Maria McErlane:This is so beautiful.

8:23Graham Norton:Are you a trained typist?

8:25Maria McErlane:I trained, yes. I trained in Pittman's shorthand. Wow. Because, you know, there's nothing.

8:30Graham Norton:No one does shorthand anymore.

8:31Maria McErlane:No one does shorthand anymore. But I still do it sometimes in my head, just to keep my, you know, I do the figures in my head. Oh, right. And then I learned typing, obviously.

8:42Graham Norton:Obviously. Yeah.

8:44Maria McErlane:I was a touch typist, I think that's what they were called. And you had to tell people when you went for a job how many words a minute you could do.

8:51Graham Norton:How many words? Not lying, how many could you do?

8:54Maria McErlane:I wasn't very fast.

8:55Graham Norton:Oh, okay.

8:56Maria McErlane:And in the olden days, you had to type with a piece of paper and some carbon paper. Wow. And then... The rest is history. And then a piece of paper behind the carbon paper, and the carbon paper would give you the bit to go in the file.

9:16Graham Norton:Oh, yes. And then I remember you crying tears of gratitude when they came up with Tippex. You were so happy when that happened.

9:25Maria McErlane:Yeah, I wasn't really very accurate or very fast. But I can do it. And then it means you can, if you can do that, then you can see what you're typing. There, there, there.

9:34Graham Norton:There, there, there. But now, happily, because of computers, it doesn't matter, you see, I can just go back and change it all.

9:37Maria McErlane:And nobody files anymore. There's no filing system. Carbon paper went out of print ages ago.

9:43Graham Norton:And there we leave, Maria.

9:46Maria McErlane:Basking in the 1970s.

9:47Graham Norton:In a reverie of the olden days. All right, today's dilemmas, they are next. They are next. Ah!

10:00Maria McErlane:This episode is brought to you by I Swear, exclusively in cinemas now.

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11:33Graham Norton:Maria! An envelope! An envelope! Yes! My kingdom for an envelope.

11:38Maria McErlane:Is this your favorite part of the show?

11:40Graham Norton:It really is. The anticipation is thrilling.

11:42Maria McErlane:OK, I'll put you out of your misery. Dear Graham and Maria, my 15-year-old daughter has become a vegetarian, mostly for environmental reasons. My wife and I are completely supportive without being veggies ourselves. The thing is, she's started demanding we cook vegetarian dinners every night. She either wants all of us to cut out meat or for my wife and I to provide a veggie alternative on the nights we do have meat. The simple act of cooking dinner has started to involve a lot of extra time, hassle and food planning. We'd tell her to cook her own meals, but she doesn't know one end of the spatula from the other.

12:23Maria McErlane:Plus, I worry she wouldn't be getting enough nutrition if she was left to her own devices. It's causing so many arguments in our house. How can I stop our mealtimes from becoming so foul-tempered? And that is from Mark. You don't say... Oh, yeah, 15. Your 15-year-old daughter needs, Mark, to find out one end of a spatula from the other because if she is going to make these demands, I mean, you know, good for her. She's going her own way. She's being her authentic self, et cetera. But she can't expect you to have to provide these meals. I mean, I would suggest to you, Mark, that you say your mum and I will cook on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays and the rest of the time you can cook for all of us in your new vegetarian fashion.

13:11Maria McErlane:And we've bought you this book, Vegetarian Meals for Beginners. Yeah. Yeah?

13:17Graham Norton:Well, I think also, I guess it's a different world. But Mark's writing this as if, oh, it's just an out-of-control situation where like a stranger's shown up demanding vegetarian food. It's your 15-year-old daughter. Be a parent. explain vegetarian food will appear, but it may not appear in the way you'd like it to, and sometimes it'll appear because you've made it. Yeah. I'm guessing that she is the only child. No, because it's all of us, I think she's saying.

13:45Maria McErlane:No, but, I mean, it could be mum and dad and... Do you think? Oh, I got the impression there was more of them. Oh, okay. I don't know. But, yes. Either way, it's a very good idea to get children to learn about, A, how to load the washing machine before they go to university, and B, how to boil an egg or make simple foods before they go to university. I mean, you know.

14:05Graham Norton:Yeah, and sort your clothes out before you wash them.

14:09Maria McErlane:I don't know why people don't do that anymore, but they don't. Your daughter needs to learn how to cook because if you're worried about her nutrition now, when she leaves home, if you're making food for her every night, she's going to be up shit creek without a paddle or a spatula.

14:25Graham Norton:And you know the minute she leaves home, that veggie thing's stopping. it'll be a donna kebab on the bus Mackie D's on the way home the minute she's out of there she's only doing it to torture you I kind of have experience of this because in the summer do you?

14:39Maria McErlane:because your husband is a vegan

14:40Graham Norton:yeah so I live in a vegan household but during the summer when you know older people come and stay I feel like I've got to throw them a bit of meat or fish along the way yeah and what I and you know and vegan is even more challenging than the veggie because you know if you're making mash it's olive oil mash not veggie But basically, I make everything vegan apart from the thing. So, you know, it'll be regular sausages, veggie sausages, or it'll be a regular pie and then a bit of Linda McCartney country pie or something. So if you just think... That is a hassle, though, isn't it? Not really. No?

15:18Graham Norton:Because everything's the same. All the, you know, you chop up vegetables, you mash some potatoes, you do it. That's all the same. I mean, you know, and things like, it's like Bisto gravy is vegan. Who knew?

15:28Maria McErlane:Is it? I did not know that. Yeah, it's vegan. I've learned something today. Yeah. Something I don't need, but I've learned it.

15:33Graham Norton:But I think people often eat things vegan, they don't know they're vegan. Right. Like if you taste a vegan magnum, vegan magnum makes you realize there is no dairy in a real magnum because they taste exactly the same.

15:47Maria McErlane:There's no dairy in ice cream, it's just fats and sugars.

15:49Graham Norton:You're delicious. Say it again. Fats and sugars.

15:52Maria McErlane:When your husband is away or if you're away from him, Do you then go, hmm, I am a vegan now, but... Well, no, I'm not a vegan. Oh, OK. No, no, I'll eat anything. But you do eat vegan food when you're together.

16:03Graham Norton:Well, because, as Mark is discovering, it is easier, particularly if there's two of you, it's silly to kind of make two different things.

16:09Maria McErlane:Do you feel better being a vegan?

16:11Graham Norton:Not really, no.

16:12Maria McErlane:Have you noticed any difference in your health or in your energy levels? I'm just doing a little bit of a research survey here.

16:18Graham Norton:I don't know. I wasn't looking out for it. No. Maybe I sleep better, but I'm drinking a bit less too, So maybe that might be to do with the sleep. Because you're happier. Yes. Mark's 15-year-old daughter probably isn't cutting down on her booms anytime soon.

16:33Maria McErlane:I mean, I like this letter as a sort of plea from a parent of a 15-year-old. You kind of think she's going out all night, staying with boys that are inappropriate, or I feel she's turned to drugs. But no, vegan, a vegetarian.

16:46Graham Norton:Not even a vegan. No. I would say, I think Maria's idea is right. Give her one night a week. Start with one night a week. Well, she's cooking. We applaud your vegetarian ambitions. So one night a week, it's daughter's dinner. And you make a lovely vegetarian meal for us all. Thank you very much.

17:03Maria McErlane:I mean, you could start by when she's saying, I demand a vegetarian meal. Well, why don't you come into the kitchen and we'll show you one end of the spatula from the other and we'll show you how to do it. And then on Wednesday, you'll do it yourself. So you kind of include her in the cooking preparations. It does sound like your daughter has got used to just there being food on the table, which is fair enough. because she's your daughter and you're providing for her. Yeah. But if she's now making demands on how that food is and what it comprises of, then she needs to start doing it herself.

17:32Graham Norton:And also, Mark, you don't know you're alive. You can use eggs and cheese, all sorts of things. Because you're not vegan yet. It's easy. Yeah.

17:39Maria McErlane:Easy. She'll go vegan soon. No, she will.

17:41Graham Norton:The minute Mark and his wife accept the veggie thing, she'll go, right, what can I do now? I know. I know.

17:48Maria McErlane:I'll go, inappropriate boys, and start taking drugs.

17:52Graham Norton:See how they're like that? Yeah. Yeah. Our team of dedicated wangers, they've had a think about this because, of course, they had early eyes on the problem because they emailed in. What does this bunch have to say about this?

18:03Maria McErlane:Jenny says, be more supportive! All right. Buy her some books on vegetarian cooking. There is a great book, Sebs, Sebsy.

18:13Graham Norton:You're mispronouncing that.

18:14Maria McErlane:How is it? I don't know. It's spelled S-E-B-Z-E. I thought you being a vegan, you would know. Sibzi, by Turkish cook, oh, no, there's another name. By Turkish cook, Oslem Warren. Say it again. Nuts, lentils, and beans can be great substitutes for meat protein. I have a 23-year-old, and I think they need to be encouraged. Stop being such a stooge. Stooge? Scrooge? Stooge. What does she mean? I don't know. Jenny, what do you mean?

18:44Graham Norton:Stupid. The three stooges, they were stupid, weren't they? I don't know. Anyway. Stop being such a stooshie.

18:51Maria McErlane:That's a Scottish word, isn't it?

18:52Graham Norton:That's for penis, isn't it?

18:53Maria McErlane:No! A stooshie is a sort of argument.

18:57Graham Norton:Oh, is it?

18:58Maria McErlane:Yeah, a big stooshie. A wee stooshie. Really? Shut up now.

19:02Graham Norton:There are many letters coming. Anyway, Jenny... There are emails being written right now.

19:06Maria McErlane:Spell check. Spell check, please, Jenny, for whatever stooge is. And also, could you do it phonetically, how to pronounce Oslem and Sebzi?

19:16Graham Norton:Zibzi. Zibzi. Sounds like we're playing the tape backwards, doesn't it?

19:20Maria McErlane:Richard says, fine for her to be a vegetarian, but she needs to learn to cook for herself. Have different meat feasts every night from now on. Lamb shank, ribs, roast suckling pig, venison, go mad. She'll get so hungry, she'll either stop being a veggie or work out how to turn on the oven and take care of herself. Thank you, Richard, for that. Ed says, I think you're mollycoddling your daughter a bit. That's a good word, isn't it? I agree. I agree. Molly coddling is such a good word.

19:49Graham Norton:Yeah, it's also a way to cook eggs.

19:53Maria McErlane:Why does it sound like she calls the shots in your house? Indeed, Ed. When I was a child, there weren't any options for dinner. You ate what you were fed. End of. She can take it or leave it. Old school there from Ed. Yeah, I like Ed. I like Ed. And Heather says, if she's 15, this could well be a phase. Give it six months. There is that too.

20:14Graham Norton:There is that too. I wouldn't buy a book yet. Wait, wait a while.

20:19Maria McErlane:Maybe get one from the library.

20:21Graham Norton:Well, Mark, good luck with dinner tonight. I'm sure it'll be delicious. We hope things can be more harmonious for you all. Dilemma number two on its way.

20:30Maria McErlane:This episode of Whanging On is brought to you by Co-op's new meals range, Served.

20:36Graham Norton:Which means we get to answer a special bonus dilemma brought to you by our Whangers. Maria.

20:42Maria McErlane:Dear Graham and Maria, my husband puts garlic bread on the side of every meal and it's really starting to knock me. Knock. I don't think I can properly convey the extent of this. Lasagna, mac and cheese, fine. But salmon, chicken Caesar salad, fajitas with garlic bread, what's the point? If there's ever any leftover, he has been known to grab a slice from the fridge as the very first thing he'll eat the next day. I love my husband but I want to break him out of this habit how?

21:14Graham Norton:and that's from Jilly I sort of I've taken a ginjilly very quickly yeah like the man likes garlic bread

21:21Maria McErlane:she doesn't have to eat it no

21:24Graham Norton:she doesn't have to make it you know it's something for her to eat in the breakfast in the morning yeah

21:29Maria McErlane:I think if that's the only problem you have with your husband Jilly you're doing well

21:33Graham Norton:well also she doesn't go into the fact he probably honks because he you know Continually. Well, he has garlic bread and sweats garlic. And, you know, the man eats a...

21:43Maria McErlane:You paint a lovely picture.

21:44Graham Norton:Well, he eats a lot of garlic.

21:46Maria McErlane:Well, that's why it's advantageous if Jilly joins him in the garlic bread.

21:49Graham Norton:She doesn't want garlic bread. Not with salmon.

21:52Maria McErlane:Yeah. Maybe takes him... What rule is that? I know. I think, really, you know, I mean, this is a tiny, tiny problem in an otherwise perfect marriage, Jilly.

22:01Graham Norton:She loves him. I sort of mean she... She loves him very much. But you think, like, you can't love him if you can't get past this. It's garlic bread. I mean, I feel, Jilly, look at your friends, look at their relationships, their marriages, and then walk back into your house and go, thank you that this is the biggest problem in my relationship.

22:25Maria McErlane:I mean, I don't want to diss it or anything like that, Jilly, because you have taken time to write us a letter. And for that, we thank you.

22:31Graham Norton:Well, you know, the husband was busy buttering bread, mashing garlic into butter. Do you think he makes it himself? I hope so. That'd be lovely.

22:39Maria McErlane:I hope he spends most of his time at home making garlic bread.

22:42Graham Norton:Grating garlic into butter.

22:45Maria McErlane:And then baking his own bread.

22:47Graham Norton:Yes. Lockdown has changed people, hasn't it?

22:52Maria McErlane:I think don't eat it, Gilly. In the great scheme of things, this is not a bad thing. You have enough to eat. Yeah.

22:57Graham Norton:And lots of kind of, hmm, that smells nice, darling. Yeah.

23:00Maria McErlane:Not for me today, thank you. I overdid it yesterday on the garlic bread. Yes.

23:05Graham Norton:I'll have it with mac and cheese or lasagna. Not salmon. No. No, not salmon. No. It's Thursday, fajita's night. I'm not having that garlic bread. I'm calling the police.

23:22Graham Norton:Yes, or, you know, you make him something, you find something and he prefers to garlic bread. I can't imagine because he loves garlic bread.

23:29Maria McErlane:He loves garlic bread. He loves garlic bread. I think if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

23:32Graham Norton:Do you think they had garlic bread at their wedding? I hope so. They probably did, didn't they? Yeah. Yeah.

23:36Maria McErlane:As a first course and a main and a pudding. Garlic bread with cream.

23:41Graham Norton:Mascarpone. Mascarpone cheese on the garlic bread. Look, those are our thoughts, Julie. And lucky for your husband, garlic flatbread is a part of Co-op's new meal range served.

23:52Maria McErlane:These are ready to cook meals prepared with fresh ingredients that you can cook in 30 minutes without having to follow an absurdly complicated recipe.

24:01Graham Norton:And proper portions as well. And if you're a Co-op member, you can pick up an Italian-inspired main plus two sides for just£7.

24:08Maria McErlane:There's a wide range to choose from, including Italian meatballs with fusilli and Mediterranean vegetables.

24:14Graham Norton:Or chicken and mushroom Alfredo with gnocchi and tender stem broccoli.

24:19Maria McErlane:Or, Graham, what we've got here, which is aubergine parmigiana with garlic potatoes and a tender stem broccoli.

24:27Graham Norton:Beautiful. I'm digging in. Potatoes. Well done, Co-op. Mmm, they're garlicky. Good, right?

24:33Maria McErlane:Julia's husband would love this.

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25:01Graham Norton:Right, do we have a second letter? We do, Graham. Oh, that's great. Jeez, this format's really working.

25:07Maria McErlane:Dear Graham and Maria, I was chatting to our neighbour recently and mentioned that our visits to family were quite expensive. What with the travel and the hotel costs? And the next time I saw her, she told me she was putting money aside for our next trip. I was quite shocked and said, oh, that won't be necessary. I felt bad for having mentioned it, especially since she's a single mum in a low-paid job. After a few weeks, she put some money through our letterbox. It was£200. Next time I saw her, I said it was too generous and she insisted that she was a Christian and that this is what Christians do to help other people.

25:51Maria McErlane:I now feel a bit worried that she might be generous again if I tell her about our next visit. We're not impoverished and are probably better off than her family. How should I handle this situation? That is from Marie. Oh, well, that's an interesting one. We've never had free money before, have we? I kind of... I'm touched by it.

26:12Graham Norton:I love this problem because it's such a kind of strange problem because it's about someone being too lovely. Yeah, which we don't get very often. Yes, but I totally get it because you're embarrassed. You want to stop this. You know, it's like there's a friend of my mother's who, you know, really doesn't have any money at all, but buys us all Christmas presents. And you're just like, oh, please don't, because we're not buying you anything. We don't really know you.

26:40Maria McErlane:Have you started buying her presents?

26:42Graham Norton:No, no. And it's sort of gone away now. It's all stopped. But for a while there.

26:46Maria McErlane:Because she died.

26:47Graham Norton:No. Well, not that I've been told. Oh, OK. My mother didn't want to upset me.

26:51Maria McErlane:No. It's a difficult one, I think, because there is a really nice but misplaced kind of notion behind it. Because as you say, Marie, you're not impoverished. You go away and you stay in hotels. You're not taking a tent in the back of the car, you know, or only going to visit family every so often because you can't afford it. So I think there's a gentle way of saying to her, this is such a lovely thing that you're doing. but as a Christian, you can pretend or whatever. I think it would be better if we give this money to somebody who does really need it. I mean, she obviously, she's a single mum, but how has she managed to save 200 pounds to put in your letterbox?

27:38Maria McErlane:It's a bit too weird and you can say to her, let's give it to the church for people who really are in need or who can't afford to buy a school uniform for their children or whatever. It's not you, Marie, who she needs to be giving it to, but she could make this gesture for somebody who really does need it. And I think there's a way of telling her that without upsetting her.

28:01Graham Norton:And also there is a strange thing in this generosity because it's so extreme, the generosity. There is something, I don't know if it's attention-seeking or if they like the dynamic of this person is now beholden to me.

28:15Maria McErlane:Yeah, I think there's a little bit of that involved. But, you know, we're making assumptions here. But I think any form of controlling, you know, does she have anything over you that she's going to blackmail? Well, it's extreme. Yeah, it's too extreme.

28:27Graham Norton:Because it's not like, oh, darling, you mustn't fuss. Let me write you a check. It's not that kind of thing. It's you know how little I have. And I have found this 200 pounds to help you. And on one level, that's gorgeous and really admirable and lovely, but there is another side to it. Yes, there is. Which isn't... It doesn't sit well. Yes, it sort of feels it's not without complications. Yeah. You do owe her something now.

28:58Maria McErlane:No good turn goes unpunished.

29:00Graham Norton:Yeah.

29:00Maria McErlane:The title of my next novel.

29:03Graham Norton:Next novel? You haven't written one. My new novel. that ChatGPTI is writing. What is it called? Chat G.I. Joe.

29:17Maria McErlane:ChatGP, is that what it's called? What is it called?

29:20Graham Norton:That's it, it's a doctor.

29:23Maria McErlane:If my novel is about a doctor. Oh, there you go.

29:26Graham Norton:Oh, ChatGP will be perfect. Anyway, back to Marie. Yes, Marie. Look, I think, Marie, but you have to, this 200 pounds arrived. I think it sounds like you've spent it. I think it's gone.

29:41Maria McErlane:Yeah, I would give it back or give it to somebody who really needs it. And then you can say to her, I gave it to the church because she's a Christian. Father Duda, whatever his name is, Vicar Duda. Father's just Catholic.

29:51Graham Norton:Yeah, I think Marie has taken this money. I think she's taken it.

29:55Maria McErlane:Well, she's already in a difficult position.

29:58Graham Norton:But you must make sure it never happens again. Yes.

30:00Maria McErlane:Do you think, Marie, that this lady next door wants to be involved in your family in some way? I mean, there's something that's too intimate about this gift and about this action, which, you know, in a minute she's going to come and ask you a favour because now you're friends and you're beholden to her. I feel that there's... All of those possibilities are swimming in front of my eyes.

30:23Graham Norton:And I hate feeling like that.

30:24Maria McErlane:Yeah, but...

30:25Graham Norton:I hate feeling like that, but life experience has taught us.

30:27Maria McErlane:Yes, we are cynical old twits.

30:29Graham Norton:Yeah, that this doesn't come without strings.

30:33Maria McErlane:So how would you say to Marie to stop this happening? and what's your advice?

30:37Graham Norton:You never bring it up again. You never bring up the fact that you're struggling with money. No, but in a minute,

30:43Maria McErlane:there's going to be another envelope through the letterbox.

30:45Graham Norton:I don't think so. And also, I think, don't mention it. You know, because if you keep...

30:51Maria McErlane:Don't mention you're going away again.

30:52Graham Norton:Yeah, never mention you're going away again. And also, don't mention the money again. Because the more grateful you are, the more chance there is she'll do it again. I mean, which is kind of horrible. But I remember in West Gorkheim, I had that woman who kept bringing things to the house. Yes, food stuff. All sorts of stuff. And in the end, I had to just be really rude and never say thank you, never return her cake tins, never return her Tupperware, and eventually it stopped. But it took a long time.

31:18Maria McErlane:What's happened to her now?

31:19Graham Norton:She's in a giant Tupperware coffin. By my gate.

31:27Maria McErlane:With a voice tape going, Graham, Graham, got you a cake, Graham. Yes, she was quite annoying. But what I'm saying, you know, it's a good example because she wanted stuff from you. She wanted to be your friend. She wanted to be invited to your dinners and you steadfastly refused to invite her to those.

31:47Graham Norton:Well, I did invite her a couple of times and it was awful.

31:49Maria McErlane:And she was boring and horrible. I wouldn't leave. Yeah. She wanted to marry you.

31:54Graham Norton:No, I think she'd met a farmer.

31:56Maria McErlane:But yes, I mean, it's awful that we're cynical, but there is something wrong about this situation.

32:03Graham Norton:Yes. Can we see? Oh, yes, let's find out. Yes, we're being a bit useless, so let's find out what the wangers have to say.

32:08Maria McErlane:Well, I just think that we maybe are too cynical. Who knows?

32:11Graham Norton:Yes, maybe younger people will think lovely thoughts.

32:14Maria McErlane:I hope so. Morgan says, as a Christian, I'd say don't return the money, as it is seen by some as hindering their blessings. I did not know that bit.

32:23Graham Norton:This is so complicated being a Christian. Oh, my goodness. It used to be so simple.

32:27Maria McErlane:So good I don't believe in God. I know.

32:29Graham Norton:I'd hate to hinder anyone's blessings.

32:32Maria McErlane:However, you are hindering my blessings.

32:34Graham Norton:Let me take that money off you.

32:36Maria McErlane:Yes.

32:37Graham Norton:I didn't mug you. I just didn't hinder your blessings.

32:42Maria McErlane:Wait a minute. You can't be seen to hinder their blessings. However, you could always return the blessing if that would make you feel better. Offer to cook or go to dinner or babysit, etc. You see, that is inviting the blessings in.

33:00Graham Norton:Yeah, I feel Marie doesn't want that relationship with this neighbour. You know, I think she got on perfectly well with this neighbour. And now this wild generosity has really complicated the dynamic of that relationship. And what you do next, Marie, is really important. Because this could have, you know, suddenly you could have this woman.

33:23Maria McErlane:I'm quite surprised you haven't told her to move. That's normally your answer to everything.

33:28Graham Norton:Take that£200 and hire a van.

33:32Maria McErlane:Oh, Lou in Perth. Hooray!

33:35Graham Norton:Hairdresser.

33:36Maria McErlane:Yeah. I would send the money back in an envelope through your neighbour's letterbox with a note thanking her for the kind gesture. Then don't mention your visits ever again. In Australia, our letterboxes are a long way from the house, which helps. Poor Lou in Perth is endlessly getting money. And has to walk for it. down to her letterbox

33:58Graham Norton:Kate is about to speak to us

34:00Maria McErlane:oh I'm delighted

34:01Graham Norton:I think you have three options one you find a way to give the money back to her two you say actually you'd rather it went to charity and donate it in her name or three you say you're going for a fortnight get loads of cash and go on holiday I thought the second one was good yeah I thought the second one was good donate it to a charity in her name yeah yeah And if she doesn't like that, if she feels like you've hindered her blessings, well, she won't do it again.

34:32Maria McErlane:Yeah.

34:32Graham Norton:Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

34:33Maria McErlane:I also quite like the last one. Tell her you're going for two weeks and you need more. This isn't enough. £200? Do you have any idea how much that hotel costs?

34:42Graham Norton:We're going all inclusive. In Jamaica? Yeah, our family lives in Jamaica.

34:49Maria McErlane:We both chose Jamaica. Hooray! Greg says, oh, just spend it. Who cares? She's a grown-up. She can do what she wants with her money. And she decided to do a nice thing. Be very grateful and treat yourself on your next trip away. Happy days.

35:05Graham Norton:I like Greg's view of the world. It's very simple. Yeah. 200 quid. Thanks.

35:10Maria McErlane:Bye. This is the sort of problem that is going to keep me awake later. Worrying.

35:14Graham Norton:I have to say it was a good problem. Marie, thank you so much for sending it in. Now, just time for this week's Am I Weird to finish things off. This is a reminder, you can send these or indeed any of your dilemmas to wangingon at listen.co.uk. Who's asking if they're weird this week? It's Harry and Rachel.

35:32Maria McErlane:Hi, Graham and Maria. Am I weird? Me and the wife, that's Rachel, talk in a silly made-up language that only the two of us understand. I like this a lot. It's just a series of funny noises and gestures and we always know what the other is saying. The few times we've done it around other people, We felt really self-conscious. Harry and Rachel.

36:05Graham Norton:Oh, I mean, knock yourselves out, but don't do it in front of other people. Don't do it in front of other people. It's like those couples, would mommy like some tea? Oh, no.

36:17Maria McErlane:Yes, that's terrible. That really gives me the ick.

36:21Graham Norton:Yeah, yeah.

36:22Maria McErlane:But I'm surprised that they have done it in front of other people. But I think they've spent a lot of time together and they've forgotten themselves. So when people come round or whoever, they've gone into...

36:34Graham Norton:But also, for a couple, if that's how you communicate, how do you deal with a serious problem? If you're having a row, are you going... How does it work then?

36:48Maria McErlane:I think it's quite good to diffuse things if you're in the middle of... And another thing, you fail to put this one. No,

36:57Graham Norton:you'd be dead then.

37:01Maria McErlane:It's sweet that you do it alone. And I think a lot of couples do it. You know, you find your own language. You find your own nicknames, all of that. But in front of other people, I've never used hubba-bubba. In front of other people, that is weird. And they will say that. and if you do it in front of me, I would say, stop doing that, that's weird.

37:21Graham Norton:Yeah. Well, certainly, you mightn't say that, but afterwards, oh, we'd talk about them. Oh my goodness,

37:26Maria McErlane:wouldn't we just?

37:26Graham Norton:Oh, we would talk about Harry and Rachel. So yes, I think delightful that you're happy together. So not weird in your own house. No. But weird if you do it out of doors.

37:36Maria McErlane:Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Are we agreeing? I think we're agreeing on that, but I think it's also quite sweet. Okay.

37:42Graham Norton:Well, that is us done for another week. As we've told you before, we are not experts, but Maria, what should people do if they want actual help?

37:50Maria McErlane:That's right, Graeme. They should head to at wangingon on Instagram. They'll find information to get proper support there because we're not experts.

37:59Graham Norton:Marvellous. Any parting words?

38:01Maria McErlane:Wanging On with Graeme and Maria is a listen production. Hurrah!

38:06Graham Norton:True that. Lovely. We'll see you next week. Bye-bye.