Neglected Dogs and Unloved Ducks: Graham and Maria Advise

8:52Maria McErlane:very good very good without warning it just appears You see, that's what happened to me.

9:06Maria McErlane:Without warning, it just appeared in the middle of the table one day. And when I asked him about it, he said... He thought it was a nice addition. And a gift to the house. We must get all thoughts of poo out of our heads.

9:25Graham Norton:It's a big porcelain duck.

9:26Maria McErlane:It's a mallard.

9:27Graham Norton:It's a porcelain duck. In the middle of the table.

9:30Maria McErlane:It's literally just a duck. I have no idea what he was thinking. I don't want to hurt his feelings, and he has mentioned before that I can be a bit of a control freak when it comes to indoor furnishings. But what choice do I have? He really doesn't have an eye for this kind of thing at all. I don't want visiting friends and relatives to be greeted by such an eyesore. What shall I do? And that is from Anonymous. Anonymous, I'm kind of loving this because a mallard is a funny thing. Yes. And a mallard in the middle of the table that your husband bought because he feels that you're so controlling is quite kind of, it's a passive-aggressive, nay, aggressive-aggressive act that I'm sort of here for, really, because I think he's had no say in your soft furnishings around the house, your cushions, etc.

10:22Maria McErlane:and he wanted this mallard on the dining room table.

10:27Graham Norton:Yes, he liked it. And I think the good thing is you now know that you were right not to give your husband any say in the rest of the house.

10:35Maria McErlane:Any money.

10:36Graham Norton:Any money or any say in what you have in the house. Look, I think you don't, this isn't a problem really. You leave the mallard where it is and you let him enjoy it. And when people are coming round, you've got to put things on the table. Yeah. You've got to, there's no room for the mallard on the table.

10:52Maria McErlane:You've got to put the broccoli.

10:53Graham Norton:Yeah, so you've got to put the mallard somewhere else. Don't hide it. Don't put it in a cupboard. Otherwise, it'll trigger him and he'll get all upset about the mallard. Put the mallard somewhere where people can see it, but maybe not the centre of the table.

11:07Maria McErlane:Yes. I think this is a game that your husband is playing and you need to be smarter about playing it back. By A, ignoring the mallard. Do not acknowledge the mallard.

11:19Graham Norton:Ignore the mallard.

11:20Maria McErlane:Ignore the mallard at all times. And don't make it a problem because this is kind of what he wants. He wants a reaction to this. Or here's another thing. Why don't you stick some googly eyes on the mallard? Very much like that card there. Oh, yes, with the googly eyes. With the googly eyes. Or change the mallard in some way, give it teeth or something like that and see if he notices.

11:44Graham Norton:But also is the mallard, I feel like the mallard, if it's on the dining room table, does the top of it lift off? Is it a thing? Is it a serving thing?

11:53Maria McErlane:How big do you think this mallard is?

11:54Graham Norton:Well, I imagined it was about the size of that.

11:56Maria McErlane:You're doing that with it. Yeah, I'm thinking like that, but I don't think it should have anything that lifts off. Shouldn't it? Why do you put it on the table? Because he's making a point.

12:06Graham Norton:But those things normally you take by the neck and then inside you can put your duck stew or whatever.

12:11Maria McErlane:I believe there are such things, but she hasn't mentioned this at all. So I'm going on what we've got, Graham. Okay. Yeah. So I'm thinking a complete mallard without a removable top.

12:22Graham Norton:It's just a large ceramic duck.

12:24Maria McErlane:A large duck on the dining room table.

12:27Graham Norton:I think you're right. You ignore it or even admire it. You kind of go, lovely.

12:32Maria McErlane:Admiring it is really pushing the boat, isn't it?

12:35Graham Norton:Also because then you might go, oh, you like it, do you? You like it, do you? Oh, no, then that'll be a whole family of mallards. Yeah, or a stuffed polar bear in the hall. Like, oh.

12:46Maria McErlane:A donkey in a sombrero.

12:50Graham Norton:When you lift your tail, cigarettes come out.

12:52Maria McErlane:Now that is kitsch. Come on, I'd like one of those.

12:55Graham Norton:I'd like one of those too.

12:56Maria McErlane:Do you think they make them anymore? No, I don't think so.

12:58Graham Norton:People don't smoke, of course. Yes, I think ignore, don't hide it, but it doesn't need to sit in the table when people come over because the table is full of all the delicious food.

13:09Maria McErlane:And once you've made your point about not noticing the mallard or being in any way offended by it, I think then one day when you're cleaning the table, you can smash it by accident.

13:19Graham Norton:He'll never believe that.

13:21Maria McErlane:Well, after a while, he'll get bored with it as well. He wanted a reaction to this mallard and he's not going to get it. And then you smash it and then go, oh, can you get another mallard like that? Because I really liked it.

13:31Graham Norton:No, no, here's what you do. You slather it in olive oil and then, oh, can you just pick up that mallard? And let him drop it.

13:44Maria McErlane:Good. You can't cover that, right? Yeah.

13:46Graham Norton:Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you... I'm so sorry. No dead mallards on your hand. No, I was just making you look shiny and even more attractive than it is. Was. Listen, it sounds like a serious case for the Wang Gang. I think so. Let's unleash them.

14:03Maria McErlane:They have never disappointed us yet. Okay, Teresa and Mark says, Have you got a cat? If not, borrow one or get one so you can blame it for accidentally breaking the mallard.

14:13Graham Norton:Cats do do that.

14:14Maria McErlane:What, with porcelain? Yeah. I think cats can tell if something is alive or not.

14:18Graham Norton:No, no, no. It's just, you know, cats, they've got tails. Oh, cats like to push things off a table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Particularly a big porcelain mallard. Yeah. It'd be lovely.

14:26Maria McErlane:Well, that's a good idea, Theresa and Mark. I like these people responding together. Yeah. They've discussed it, haven't they?

14:31Graham Norton:But also, I like right now, all she has is a porcelain mallard. Soon, she'll have a cat. A whole living cat.

14:40Maria McErlane:Maybe you can buy a porcelain cat to join the mallard on the table until you have an entire table filled with porcelain. Luke says, I think this is what we call a first world problem. Well, yes. Would your husband really be that upset if you voiced your objection to the ornament? What do you think? Tell him in a jovial way and see how he reacts. If you're looking for a meat in the middle solution, your best option is to suggest moving it to another perhaps hidden part of the house to avoid any feelings getting hurt. then let him forget about it and get rid of it.

15:11Graham Norton:Yes. I mean, you could come back for holiday and it might be gone.

15:14Maria McErlane:Yeah. This is a game, though, that I think Luke has missed. This is a game that the husband is playing because she's so controlling with the soft furnishings.

15:21Graham Norton:I wonder what Rachel has to say.

15:23Maria McErlane:Oh. She's going to tell us. Oh, my goodness. In our ear. Yeah. What you can do is when friends come over, you can say, absolutely state that,

15:32Graham Norton:oh, look, my husband, whatever his name is, bought this duck. and this is his duck. He bought it and whatever. So that way they know it's not you and your taste. It's your husband's taste. Now, that is also quite passive aggressive because what I like about it is you're saying, look at this beautiful duck that Bob bought and you let the friends go, sweet Jesus. And Bob gets to go, oh, nobody likes my duck. Unless the friends all go, good job, Bob.

16:00Maria McErlane:Yeah. Well, maybe you tell your friends beforehand. Can you really praise the mallard? I'm making this game go on and on.

16:09Graham Norton:Give it up for the mallard. Who else have you got?

16:11Maria McErlane:Clara says, oh, how awful for visitors to see such an eyesore. This listener might need to get off his or her high horse and maybe think about introducing an even more hideous statue, perhaps a ceramic chicken. A sense of humour might liven up what sounds like a pretty dull marriage. Oh, my goodness.

16:29Graham Norton:God, Clara really went for it.

16:31Maria McErlane:Laura is really dissing. Pratish from Cambridge says, I hate to ruffle feathers, but your dilemma does rather confirm your husband's suspicion that you might be a decor dictator of sorts. I doubt your friends give a duck, porcelain or otherwise, about what's perched on your dining room table. That said, if you continue to despise the piece after a couple of months, simply rotate it out with something more your style. Call it a seasonal curation so as not to hurt your husband's feelings.

17:02Graham Norton:I mean, someone's decor needs to be pretty sensationally bad before you really notice it. Do you know what I mean? How often have you left someone's house going, oh my God, what was that? You don't, like, you just kind of think that's what they live with.

17:17Maria McErlane:Yeah.

17:18Graham Norton:That's their stuff.

17:19Maria McErlane:And also, really, you've come to see them rather than their house.

17:23Graham Norton:Or the big mallard.

17:24Maria McErlane:Or the big mallard. But, you know, the only time I ever really notice is when people haven't done anything with their house.

17:29Graham Norton:Yes, if there's not a picture on the wall. Yeah.

17:31Maria McErlane:Like there's a sofa and a coffee table and a television and that's it. I kind of think, wow, this is a bit dull.

17:37Graham Norton:Yeah, it's a bit, you know, have you just moved in? No, we've been here 11 years.

17:43Maria McErlane:Do you like what we've done with the place? I eat nothing.

17:46Graham Norton:Yeah, there's also that thing when you go to somebody's house that, you know, when people have moved in somewhere and you do that thing of kind of a, oh, God, yeah, this will be good when you get rid of that. No, we just put that in. That's, yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You only do that once. Yeah.

18:02Maria McErlane:That hideous stone fireplace. It's got to go. It's very dated, isn't it?

18:08Graham Norton:I remember being shown around a house in Cape Town. My sister, we love going to see houses. And so there was this kind of house on the hill in Cape Town overlooking the sea. And we thought, without a look at it. So we went up. It was an open house on the Sunday. And so we went and the state agent said, oh, Mark will show you round. so we follow Mark and the deck we really pissed ourselves it was a very funny house the decor was absolutely appalling Oh no, Mark was the owner Mark was the owner The only child was at the very end And you laughed openly in front of Mark Oh, pointing and laughing expecting him to join in because he was the estate agent

18:48Maria McErlane:Why didn't he say this is my house? Well you wouldn't, would you?

18:50Graham Norton:After these two shits No, but after the first room

18:54Maria McErlane:where you've openly dissed everything he should have then said, oh, by the way, this is my house.

18:59Graham Norton:So, he was moving out. Maybe he thought it was terrible too. You're a bad person. Well, I wouldn't have done it if I'd known.

19:07Maria McErlane:No, I know. I know.

19:08Graham Norton:I blame my sister.

19:10Maria McErlane:I blame her too.

19:11Graham Norton:Well, Anonymous, thank you very much for sharing your distressing dilemma. And if you'd like to be on the receiving end of advice, just like that, from Maria and myself and the Wangers, you can send your problem into the podcast. Our inbox is waiting for you. It's wanging on at listen.co.uk. And nothing's off limits. We really will tackle anything, even a big porcelain mallard. In fact, we'll tackle another dilemma in the blink of an eye.

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21:06Graham Norton:Maria, the moment is pregnant with anticipation for the second problem. Have you got it? Have you got it?

21:10Maria McErlane:I have. I have. I have.

21:15Maria McErlane:Dear Graham and Maria, I have two friends who have a dog with some health issues. and they are going on holiday for three weeks to Australia. We have a mutual friend who suggested he look after their dog and house sit with his partner so that he can rent his flat on Airbnb to make some money. The deal was that the partner would be working from home to look after the dog in the daytime. However, this couple has now split up so there is nobody to look after the dog and my friends don't know this. Are you following this?

21:48Graham Norton:Yes.

21:48Maria McErlane:I asked this friend what he's going to do and he said he's still going to proceed with the plan. He'll just put dog food down in the morning and leave the back door open all day and he's asked me not to say anything. He'll be so angry if I speak up but I don't want to become complicit in his lies. I also don't want anything to happen to my friend's dog and I don't want to fall out with my friends if they find out I knew. Should I tell them what I know or keep out of it? Oh, that's from Geraldine in London. This is a difficult one because actually, you know, regardless of him making money on the Airbnb and them being furious, there's a dog who's got health issues at the bottom of this.

22:27Maria McErlane:And having meals put down and the back door left open is not good enough for a dog that's sick.

22:34Graham Norton:I think Geraldine... Or indeed any dog. The person you need to deal with, I think, is the guy who's doing the dog sitting and just talk him out of it because it's a terrible idea. Yeah. I mean, if he gets away with it, it's been three weeks of everyone just going, oh, dear God, oh, dear God, you know. That's not fair on the dog. No, it's not fair on the dog, but it's not fair on Geraldine. It's not fair on the people who let him stay. I just think this guy has to go change of plan. Or if you still want your money, say to your ex, oh, do you mind staying in this house and looking after the dog as we originally agreed?

23:12Maria McErlane:Yeah, but maybe they had an acrimonious party. Yeah, you don't know.

23:16Graham Norton:But I feel like, I just think Geraldine can't let this happen, but it's the dog city guy who needs to pull the plug.

23:24Maria McErlane:Yes, I don't think he's got a dog, has he, the dog city guy? He doesn't understand that dogs cannot be left, especially a dog with health issues, cannot be left and just, you know, wander out into the backyard. They've got to have exercise, they need company, all of those things. Yeah. And that's just not fair. And I'm sure the people that are going to Australia might have another friend who can actually be there physically. I know your friend wants to make money on Airbnb, but this is not the moment, I don't think. No, his circumstances have changed. So you need to talk to him. Don't say anything to the friends that are going away for three weeks.

23:57Graham Norton:I mean, you might have to say something to them if he stings his heels in and goes, don't be stupid, the dog will be fine.

24:03Maria McErlane:I think you have to say, mate, you can't do that. I can't let you do that. And if that's what you're going to do, I'm going to have to tell them.

24:08Graham Norton:Yeah, I will have to rat you out because it's just, it's all, I mean, I remember I was in Ireland during the summer and I was driving along and it was, you know, that kind of monsoon rain was just absolutely. And there was a dog just at the side of the road. And I just thought that dog doesn't look happy to be there. And so I pulled in, opened the door and the dog just jumped in the car. So happy. And anyway, it had a number on the collar. So I called the number. and the lady, I went, oh, do you have a dog? And she went, yes.

24:43Maria McErlane:You don't anymore, I do.

24:44Graham Norton:Yes, well, yeah, it's gone now. You had a dog. It lives with me now. And bless her, it wasn't her dog. It was her in-law's dog. And she went, oh, but it had one of those, you know those collars that shock it?

25:00Maria McErlane:Oh, my God, if they go past their boundary, yeah.

25:02Graham Norton:Of course, but it didn't know the boundary. So it obviously just got shocked and then kept walking. hello and uh so i i said where do you live she gave me directions and i drove and she said oh the back door is open and i just thought that's crazy like you can't leave someone else's dog in your garden hoping that an invisible fence is going to keep it in and did you find it the next day as well no no do you know what i afterwards i kept looking out for it but no it was never

25:29Maria McErlane:there again so i think she kind of locked it in she put it down yeah no but i think it's that that

25:34Graham Norton:thing of people volunteer to dog sit not fully aware of what it entails. You can't just let a dog out. Leave the back door open. It'll be fine.

25:45Maria McErlane:I think you can do things like that with cats, can't you? You can kind of have an automatic cat feeder thing. Well, if it's an outdoor cat,

25:52Graham Norton:you can. And they don't care about kind of people. And also Geraldine lives in London. Presumably this friend lives in London. I'm not sure he should leave a door open all day in London. No. I don't think it's the safest. No. So they'll come back to a dead dog and their house ransacked. It's not great.

26:11Maria McErlane:Have a nice holiday.

26:12Graham Norton:Well. Sorry. You don't have a dog anymore. Or most of a house. Or any of your belongings. Yeah.

26:19Maria McErlane:I mean, I think because we're both dog owners, we kind of feel quite strongly about this.

26:22Graham Norton:No, but anyone. I mean, even if you're not a dog owner, you should figure it out.

26:28Maria McErlane:Well, this friend hasn't.

26:30Graham Norton:No, because he wants the money. And it's so stupid of him because no amount of money is worth the fallout from this going wrong. Wangers, let's hear from them.

26:41Maria McErlane:Yeah, I think they will have the answer to this.

26:44Graham Norton:Will they?

26:45Maria McErlane:I hope so. Rebecca says, overthinking things much, unless you're in a position to pop by and check on the dog during the day, you should stay out of it, as the proposed plan sounds OK to me. Rebecca? She doesn't have a dog. Ross says, tricky one. Or friends. Ross says, tricky one, the Mel B... Mel B is involved.

27:08Graham Norton:What's she done? She's doing nothing since the Spice Girls. She got on holiday. Ross says, tricky one. I said Mel B.

27:19Maria McErlane:Tricky one, the well-being of the dog comes first. But you...

27:26Maria McErlane:But you're just sexing my dog up now. They'll start having sex with your arm. Look, you see, that's foreplay.

27:32Graham Norton:I wasn't. How was I to know that having a nice laugh with your dog was an invitation to getting my arm humped? He's still got his bits. Has he? Yeah. Really? Yeah. That dog does not seem like a fully functioning male. Well, that's rude. Oh, there you go. Gone.

27:50Maria McErlane:OK, Ross says, tricky one. The well-being of the dog comes first, but you don't want to get in the middle of it. I'd try to engineer a situation like a lunch or a catch-up where you get them all together and hopefully it becomes obvious that the partner is absent and the subject of the breakup is raised. This would hopefully lead to them all having a discussion about the dog sitting arrangements. I mean...

28:10Graham Norton:Actually, yes, how has that not come up? How do the people going to Australia not know that the guy's broken up with his partner? Because they're not that good of friends. Maybe they don't want to know.

28:19Maria McErlane:Maybe they just want to turn a blind eye.

28:22Graham Norton:Because it's a solution to their problem.

28:24Maria McErlane:But the problem here is that the man who's looking after the dog just wants to make some money. Yeah. And you probably make quite a lot in three weeks on Airbnb.

28:31Graham Norton:In London, yes. In London. Yeah.

28:33Maria McErlane:Why don't you leave the dog in the Airbnb?

28:35Graham Norton:And let those people look after it.

28:37Maria McErlane:And say, this is part of the deal, I'm afraid. Alex says, why not accidentally mention in passing that they've split up and then profusely apologise to your friend that you've dobbed him in? Failing that, innocently suggest to your friends that they contact both of their house sitters to make sure they've got their cupboard stocked with their favourite biscuits for the stay. Hopefully the truth will out. Oh, dear. David from Preston says, I would advise your friend to be honest with them so they can make an informed decision and say that you don't feel comfortable with the secret, but you feel he should be the one to tell them.

29:09Maria McErlane:Yes. If he loses the dog sitting gig, but he's still keen to make the Airbnb money, suggest he can come and stay with you. Then your friend gets his money, but your other friends aren't being lied to. Wait, but the dog is still on its own.

29:23Graham Norton:Well, no, they get somebody else to go after the dog. I mean, according to this, the dog would be entirely...

29:30Maria McErlane:Not even three meals, two meals a day.

29:32Graham Norton:Yeah, not even that. I just feel like this friend needs to fess up. Otherwise, something awful is going to happen. And, you know, Geraldine will be in the firing line because she knew. She knew what had gone on. Geraldine, thank you so much for emailing in with your dilemma. Just time to wrap up proceedings with today's Am I Weird? Who have you got?

29:54Maria McErlane:We have Jo in Wales who says this. Hi, Graham and Maria. Am I weird? I have a tea caddy with PG Tips loose tea hidden in the back of a cupboard. When I'm feeling sad, cross or premenstrual, I open the tin to sniff the tea. I've been doing this since I was five. I spend a good 10 minutes with my nose stuck in the caddy. Ooh, lucky Jo.

30:19Graham Norton:I think that's kind of sweet. I wish I had something that you could just, you know.

30:24Maria McErlane:Yeah, yeah. You know, obviously tea from a caddy reminds you of something from your childhood that comforts you and calms you when you're premenstrual or stressed or whatever. And I think that's a good thing.

30:36Graham Norton:Do you have a favourite smell? Do you have an equivalent, you know, a Joe tea smell?

30:41Maria McErlane:No. But I do think that if they could bottle the smell of newborn babies. Really? Oh, that's lovely. That's kind of like biscuity. Is it really? Don't you think little babies smell nice?

30:54Graham Norton:I don't know.

30:55Maria McErlane:I'm sure they have something in them.

30:56Graham Norton:I rarely smell a newborn baby. Yeah.

30:58Maria McErlane:I collect them.

30:59Graham Norton:Placenta by Calvin Klein.

31:01Maria McErlane:Stop it. Stop it. Well, oh, maybe a puppy. You know how puppies smell biscuity. A little biscuity smell too. What is that?

31:08Graham Norton:Is that just a little bit of wee caught in their fur?

31:10Maria McErlane:I don't know. I think, again, it's something to make everybody fall in love with them. I think there's, you know, something that... Oxytocin? Oxycontin? Oxycontin. Fentanyl. No, it's one of the smooth things that make us feel good.

31:25Graham Norton:So that's why people like dogs.

31:28Maria McErlane:No, it's a kind of feel good thing that makes you...

31:31Graham Norton:Dopamine? That's what. I remember sitting in the back of the car holding warm chips wrapped in paper.

31:39Maria McErlane:Yeah.

31:39Graham Norton:Like if I could do that whenever I felt stressed.

31:42Maria McErlane:Well, you can.

31:43Graham Norton:Then you've got to go get them. I mean, Jo's so lucky. She just has to go to the back of the cupboard. where I do, I think it's weird that she's hidden the caddy.

31:51Maria McErlane:Well, because she's obviously a little bit ashamed of this thing and I don't think you need to be ashamed at all. I think you're just so lucky. I think you should rejoice. Yeah. And I would actually put a little bit of loose tea in like one of those lavender bags and I'd carry it with you in your handbag and then on the tube or on a train or on a bus when you feel stressed, stuck in traffic, you just go, hmm. Yeah. Oh no, but that's not loose tea then, is it? That's not your tea bag.

32:18Graham Norton:No, that's really just a homemade tea bag. She's reinvented the tea bag. She can take it to work. I've made my own. None of your shop-bought muck here. It is the loose. Like Kirsty Allsop. Yeah, exactly. I'm sewing my own tea bags. Things for Christmas.

32:37Maria McErlane:Homemade tea bags. Yes. I don't think you're weird at all.

32:44Graham Norton:I would like to do it with coffee beans. You know that lovely thing when you open a thing of coffee beans?

32:49Maria McErlane:That little pop.

32:50Graham Norton:Oh, and the smell. Oh, it's lovely.

32:53Maria McErlane:I like you. I don't think you're weird. I rather like... Thank you. You are weird. You're very weird in all your stories. But I think Jo in Wales, I don't think you're weird at all. Do you think she's weird?

33:05Graham Norton:No, I don't. I think she's lucky. How lucky that she's got this quick fix that when she's feeling a bit stressed or worried or down.

33:12Maria McErlane:What do you do if you're feeling stressed and down for a quick fix? Wine o 'clock! I don't know why I asked that. I knew the answer. Nine o 'clock in the morning, all a bit stressed.

33:25Graham Norton:Do you have a quick fix?

33:27Maria McErlane:Quick fix, chocolate.

33:28Graham Norton:Yeah, I knew that too.

33:31Maria McErlane:Oh, well, we know each other.

33:33Graham Norton:That's all for Wanging On with Graham and Maria for this week.

33:35Maria McErlane:Remember, you can find us on Instagram at wangingon, that's all one word, where there's a link to proper expert advice and support if you need it. And you can also find us on your TV. Give us a watch on Spotify or YouTube. Just search for Wanging On. Goodness.

33:52Graham Norton:Don't forget that Wanging On with Graham and Maria is a listen production.

33:56Maria McErlane:I can't forget that.

33:57Graham Norton:No, don't.

33:58Maria McErlane:See you next time. Goodbye.

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