Oops! I Snitched on the Office Affair! 🫢

18:40Maria McErlane:She snitched on herself. If she did this with you, what is to say she has not already exposed herself with other people? I'm not saying you should be the town gossip, but I am rather confused about why you feel responsible for keeping a secret for a stranger as if you are an accomplice to a crime. Very good work, Slee, in South Africa. Yes. The missing element in Sophie's letter also is drink. I feel both those evenings involved a lot of wine. Because that's why Gobby was telling everyone and getting the picture out. That's why Sophie spilled the beans when she was having her celebratory drink with Claire.

19:26Maria McErlane:Well done for remembering all those names. That's quite hard. Yeah, so I think actually alcohol is the missing ingredient in this whole problem. They just get pissed and then tell everyone everything. Blah, blah, blah. But I think Slea is right. The cat is already out of the proverbial bag. It's not your issue. Gobby told you. She probably told a million other people. So don't take it on as your problem, Sophie. You weren't the keeper of the secret. I mean, because Gobby wasn't the keeper of the secret. I mean, that is... Hopefully, Gobby's learned a life lesson here. If you've got a secret, keep it a secret.

19:59Maria McErlane:I don't think Gobby is ever going to learn that life lesson. I just have a feeling. It's because of her name, I feel. If she was called Zip It, then maybe she would keep a secret. Or Shush. Shush would be a good name. Shush now. That's her surname. Could be Shush now. Sophie, lots of response there from the wangers. Sadly, none of it expert or professional, but hopefully it helped you in some way. And remember, if you want to share a dilemma with the podcast, especially some juicy gossip, we like that story. We did quite like it. Went on a bit. Yeah. All right, Maria. You had to do a lot of reading.

20:40You had to lift the heavy vellum paper. It was exhausting. Do drop us an email. We're hanging on at listen.co.uk. And we'll have another problem in just a moment. This episode is brought to you by ADT. One second, you're enjoying your day off. The next, your phone buzzes. A window's been broken at home. You're miles away. In one second, everything can change. That's why ADT security systems can monitor your home 24-7. They're backed by the most company-operated monitoring centers in the industry, so you're always supported during an emergency. When every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com to learn more.

21:23Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice. I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. Just a moment.

21:55Letter number two, please. Here we go.

21:57Maria McErlane:Here we go with number two. We're on a roll. I'd like Gobby to call in, actually. Okay, we'll see if we get a call for later. Dear Graham and Maria, I have a good friend who has just had a baby after many years of infertility and miscarriages. I'm thrilled for her because I know she desperately wanted to be a mother and has been through a lot of suffering, something she always downplays. Since being at home with the baby, it's become really obvious that her partner isn't stepping up at all and she's effectively operating as a single parent. He refuses to cook his own meals, does nothing around the house and everything seems to be run at his convenience and bidding.

22:38Maria McErlane:Having seen them together as a family now, I sense she is afraid of him and willing to do whatever is necessary to not provoke his disapproval. I think the relationship was like this pre-baby but now it's magnified. My friend is hypersensitive to any questioning about his contribution and downplays all the ways he is letting her down. She's clearly finding life difficult and exhausting, which I realize is normal with new motherhood. But my gut is telling me something is really off. Any advice on how to handle the situation? And that is from Anonymous. That's a tough one, isn't it? It's so hard.

23:18If you see a friend and you sense they're struggling, but they're not asking for help. That's such a horrible situation to be in because you are so powerless.

23:31Maria McErlane:I think obviously it's twofold here. This is a young mom with a new child. Her hormones are all over the place. She may be suffering from post-natal depression. I mean, you know, having a baby is a massive, massive thing. So she's struggling with that. The other situation is, you know, the partner, Is he being coercive, etc., etc. I think what you can do, Anonymous, in this situation, she's very sensitive about it, so you cannot bring that up. What you can do is offer her help with the baby, which will mean that you're there a little bit more so you can observe from within to see if the husband is being horrible to her when you're there, in which case you can monitor that, and you can kind of help her out.

24:21Maria McErlane:And also in the process, you can say, how are you feeling? Are you feeling okay? Are you depressed? Are you this? What is the husband? You can get to know her a bit better. So I think rather than wading in with the husband is a big problem, you can help with the immediate problem, which is she's doing everything for the baby. I mean, you know, it's things like, yeah, go over for an afternoon and tell her, you have a bath, you did it, I'll do that. But I think there's something here, I think, about because this baby did not happen easily, because there was a very long fertility journey, they've tried so much, I think there's a sense that you can't complain.

25:03Because you wanted it for so long. This has been my dream. This is all I've been talking about. This is all we've wanted for so long. Now the baby's here, you're not allowed to go, dear God, this is awful.

25:16Maria McErlane:Yeah, because the idealized version of events is so different to the reality, which is no sleep all the time you're on. And hopefully, most of the time you get a partner, you're both going through it. But with this, it sounds different. The trouble is, you don't know what's going on here in all of us because, you know, they might have started trying for a baby. The partner might have at some point thought, oh, it's never going to happen, but, you know, I'll go along with it. Now there is a baby. you know he may be struggling thinking actually I was you know I didn't want a baby as much as my partner did and so there's that disconnect or he could be one of those guys who thinks well you know she's at home looking after the baby so how hard can it be yeah so do it because I'm at work I'm making the money I'm paying for everything so you don't know what the dynamic is you don't know if they've talked about this.

26:10I mean, I do think the real problem here is that this person has not asked for help. You're observing a situation. You're projecting something onto it. You are going, okay, this is what I am watching. This is what I'm seeing. But you know, that thing about, you know, relationships are a covered dish. You don't, as much as you're in there and as much you know this woman. You don't really know right now what's going on. So it's, you know, how do you help? Is there a problem? We don't know.

26:44Maria McErlane:I think that's what I'm saying is you help with the immediate situation, which is she's struggling with the baby and nobody to help. And quite often what happens in a relationship that has previously just been two, they have been trying for a long time with IVF, etc., is that when a baby comes, the baby takes up so much of your attention that this partner here, who's probably been quite demanding by the sounds of it before the baby, now gets doubly demanding because they're jealous of a baby. I mean, it's quite primal, these relationships. And this is quite a common thing where, you know, oh, it's all about the baby now, isn't it?

27:20Maria McErlane:And I pushed out. And they feel pushed out. So do try and do some things together with them both. Yeah. And also, it's that weird thing, too, I think, when there are fertility struggles where the non-existent baby has been such a huge part of their life for all that time, where you were talking about the possibility, oh, it didn't work this time, let's try again, all of that. But now there's an actual baby. I mean, so I think they probably both thought they were ready for this because they've talked about this baby for so long. But it is life-changing. There is now a creature in your life that does demand so much care and attention.

28:02Maria McErlane:And they're clearly both struggling with it. He by being more demanding, expecting meals to be on the table, etc. And she with kind of like, I don't really know how to look after a baby because you literally are left from hospital. Here's your baby. Goodbye. I think the point is, Anonymous, you have to leave the marriage alone. Yeah, and you help with the practical things. You can help your friend to the mother. That's all you can do is help your friend to the mother until, you know, there's some other cracks and you see something else, you observe the mother. Or she confides in you, which doesn't sound like she will because she's very kind of defensive about it.

28:40Yeah.

28:40Maria McErlane:You just have to help with the thing that you can help with, which is let her go and have a bath, let her do whatever she needs to do, look after the baby, help feed the baby. And also you don't know, did they think the baby was going to fix everything? You know, there's that where, you know, oh, let's, come on, let's keep going at this relationship even though we're not very happy, da-da-da. Let's keep going because when the baby comes, that'll fix us and we'll be a family and da-da-da. This is such a difficult problem, but hopefully some wangers have been, well, not hopefully, but I imagine some writers have been in situations similar to this.

29:14Let's see what they've got to say.

29:16Maria McErlane:Eileen in New York City says, I didn't see anywhere in the letter where the good friend is asking for advice or assistance. So I would advise the letter writer to mind her business. If she wants to offer to babysit, that would probably be appreciated. It doesn't sound like the letter writer has any kind of relationship with the baby's father. So it's not up to her to speak with him. All of that is true. Yeah, absolutely. And I do think the idea of babysitting, particularly in the evening, to let them be a couple is quite a good idea. That's a very good idea. So they could go out and, you know, and see how they are now.

29:56You know, are they still a couple?

29:58Maria McErlane:Good idea. Nikki from Buntingford says, It sounds like the friend is very much used to the way her relationship operates, and she has been with this person for some time if they've already been through infertility together. To have survived that and now have a baby and be questioned about her relationship by the friend is weird. Operating as a single parent, or so it appears from the outside, may not be as bad as all that. Maybe it works for them and the partner is more helpful in other areas that aren't so obvious. I think this person needs to make it clear they are around as a friend but let these new parents come to terms with what clearly must have been a miracle in their life.

30:37Maria McErlane:Love the pod and would love you both to come for dinner. Thanks. I'm free a week on Thursday. Back off, Nikki.

30:45Maria McErlane:Okay. Possibly a coffee. Depends if she's going to send a car.

30:55Maria McErlane:Di says, compartmentalise, there are two problems here. One, she has a crap partner, but for years they've woken up each morning and chosen each other. You can't solve their dreadful dynamic. Two, your friend needs help with the baby. Pop over, put the kettle on, fill the washing machine and hold the baby while your friend has a shower and a quick nap. Be the fairy godmother she needs. You'll be proud that you did. That's very good advice there from Di. Very good. And finally, Connor says, Trust your gut here. What you're describing isn't just new baby exhaustion. The fear, the walking on eggshells, everything running on his terms, those can all be signs of coercive control.

31:34Maria McErlane:But whatever you do, don't interrogate her or slate him to her face. Instead, be the friend who just turns up. Say plainly, I'm here, no judgment whenever you need me. Your job right now isn't to fix it or make her leave. It's to keep the door open so she never ends up isolated. and quietly keep the National Domestic Abuse Helpline number to hand, which is 0808-2000-247, free and 24-7, for whenever she is ready to talk. I think the Wangers have given some really good advice there and thoughtful. And I think the really important thing is to not push it anonymous, because if then she pushes back, she's in a worse situation, because as they're saying, then she's more isolated.

32:24It's really tricky. Thank you for sharing this dilemma with us, Anonymous. As Colin mentioned there, there are organizations that can help you if you think your friend isn't safe. As we always say, we aren't experts. But as a starting point, you can go to our Instagram and you'll find links to organizations there that might be able to help. We're at wanging on. Right, time for the final part of the pod. it's time to hit the Q button on the jingle. Am I weird? Really holding the note on the am.

32:56Maria McErlane:It was good. We like it. I don't know how, I'd like to know what the second is on that. How many seconds? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Today's Am I Weird is from Rachel in Nyon in Switzerland and it comes with a warning for any audiences who are squeamish or perhaps in the middle of eating. Maybe come back to the podcast when your meal is finished. I can't wait for this. What is it? Here we go, Graham. Let's try and guess. Hi, Graham and Maria. Yeah, nothing is as weird as I'm imagining now. I'm sensing fecal matter. It is. You have revealed yourself now. I can spend hours of my life that I will never get back watching videos of tangled, greasy, ingrown hairs being pulled free, blackheads being neatly encouraged to pop out ahead of satisfying slugs of sebum, cone cores being deftly excavated from gnarly gelatinous corns on toes, crusty scabs being combed through hair roots and shafts, and dry gobbets of wax buildup being teased out of ear canals to bounce noisily into a kidney-shaped receptacle.

34:14Well, I think they painted quite the picture there. What's the question?

34:19Maria McErlane:Oh, am I weird? I particularly like the specialized tools used to perform these tasks. The stainless steel probes, prongs, and pokers, the tweezers, the tiny scalpels and blades, the narrow tooth combs, and those rigid loops so effective at simultaneously depressing the circumference of a blocked paw. Ooh-ah! I noticed that the scratchy discaling of tooth tartar is a newbie breaking into the ranks. I can't be the only one with this voyeuristic fetish. Otherwise, these reels would not exist. Pimpling the social media platforms, but are we, as a tribe, weird? Well, I mean, it's a big tribe, so it can't be that weird.

35:01Maria McErlane:I think there is something very satisfying about all of the things that you have so graphically mentioned there. Yeah. Rachel. This is like fan fiction. Yeah, it really was. But I want to say to you, maybe kind of like only give yourself a certain amount of time on this. But it's obviously a kind of a release for Rachel in Nyon. Because, you know what I mean? It's the sort of thing that, to switch her head off, she watches these videos on loops. And as you say, it's very satisfying. And there's always a resolution. And it's a bit like we were saying, where they keep you watching for as long as they can.

35:40they poke and poke and poke for ages before you get a big slug of stuff coming out. Yeah, yeah. And it is kind of, it's disgusting, but you can't look away. I mean, there's a TV show like Dr. Pimple. Dr. Pimple Popper. Yeah, and it's huge. It's a big, big hit. So, I mean, I wish this was weird. In an ideal world, it should be weird.

36:05Maria McErlane:I think there are weirder things. Yes, but the trouble is, they've tapped into something that is in all of us that does find this very satisfying. It's funny, isn't it, that like 30 years ago, if this was available, you would think that that was weird. But because we are confronted daily with YouTube videos of, you know, the weirdest shit you ever saw, this is kind of like small fry. Yeah. And also, it's not hurting anybody because actually it's people's problems being solved. They are medical conditions. It's like, remember embarrassing bodies? Yes, I do. You know, it's a bit like that, really.

36:39It's just kind of going, ooh, I'm glad I'm not them.

36:42Maria McErlane:I still have an embarrassing body. Stop it now. You keep yourself nice. A bit like you. I think what I would say, Rachel, is this could become an obsession and I would just limit yourself on this. Give yourself like a... Could become. Yeah, yeah, no, clearly. Did you read the letter? Yeah. How long is long enough to be watching this sort of stuff? Oh, like... Because you do go to yourself, I'll just watch one more. I'll just watch one more. The trouble is, once you watch one, then your feed becomes full of them. Yeah. And so it becomes a self-fulfilling thing. It does, it does. I mean, I'm a bit like Rachel with people upcycling furniture.

37:24Maria McErlane:And I know exactly now you get a carbide scraper or you put some nitro morse on to get the paint off and then you sand it with 180 grit and then go down to 120 grit. Wow. And then you have to prime it. You know, I know that. And so I see the next one. I think, oh, that's a nice shape Art Deco thing. I'll watch. And it's the same thing every time. The carpide scraper, the night remorse, etc. I'm constantly shown how to cook food outdoors. I mean, I'm never going to do that. Why does my algorithm think I'm going to enjoy this? Why are you never going to do that? Why the fuck am I going to gut a fish and cook it on a hot rock?

38:01Maria McErlane:A hot rock? That's what they cook them on. What's wrong with the barbecue? Because this is kind of, you know... How many hot rocks do we get in this? Well, no, because it's all about kind of being out in the outdoors. I'm not, you know, I'm not bringing a barbecue with me. I'm just going to rub two sticks together and I'm going to cook this fish that I caught with my own teeth. But, you know... I love that your algorithm thinks that that's going to appeal to you. But do you watch them? Sometimes you do. Yeah, there you go. And then it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. more hot rocks for you and fish with your teeth.

38:32And also building outdoor shelters. That's another one I get a lot of.

38:35Maria McErlane:Oh no, that's good. That's good. Do you get that? Yeah, yeah. I have that one too. Building outdoor shelters but sped up. Oh yeah, thank God. But never fast enough. Because you're like, oh what? Come on, finish the thing. So it starts with the concrete, flat concrete and then an outdoor shelter and then you... And they have to do weaving the twigs together to make the walls. That's right. Welcome to our world, Rachel. you think you've got problems frankly I don't even have an outdoor space you built a house on it so what do we think what are we going to say and I think Rachel isn't weird but I wish you were yeah no I don't think she is weird at all but I think you know limit yourself because time is passing that you won't ever get back as you say yourself and also a bit like me with the furniture it's all the same stuff coming out yeah Yeah, it is.

39:28Maria McErlane:Or carbide scrapers in my... It's never going to help you. But Rachel, we think you're probably not weird, but just calm it a bit. Calm it a bit. Yeah. And thank you for those lovely mental images which we can never unsee. That brings us to the end. Feel a bit queasy after that, don't you? She'd like that. Oh, yeah, she'd love that. Let's put that on video. Vomit, then eat it. I should love that. Vomit, then eat it. That's family guy, isn't it? Yeah, I love that. That's the end. The end, the end of this episode of Wanging On. Wanging On with Maria and Graham is a platform media production. And we'll see you next week for another nauseating episode.

40:10Ouch. This knee is killing me. But I can't stop training. The marathon is in two weeks. Let's get on ZocDoc and find a doctor to take a look at that for you. Okay. Here's a review. Dr. Crowderick really takes his time. No, I don't have time. What about Dr. Charles? His patients say he can help find a quick fix, and he's in network. Great, now we're talking. Book it. Booked. One mile down, 19 to go. Bring it on. You've got options. Download the ZocDoc app today.

40:41Maria McErlane:I'm not giving up. I am selling the building. The final season of FX is the bear. The restaurant is flooded. Everything's either going to be okay. No, stop! Or not. We are outgunned and we are outmanned. We have each other. FX's The Bear, the final season. All episodes now streaming on Disney+.