Photoshopping Gran's Funeral Pics to Make her "Bustier"

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1:10Maria McErlane:Jurassic Park down there. What? A pterodactyl just bit my ear.

1:20Hello, welcome in to another edition of Wanging On. Graham Norton and Maria McCurlin.

1:25Maria McErlane:Hello. We're giving advice. We're not experts. That will become apparent. How are you? I'm very good, thank you. How the hell are you? I'm good. But? Well, here's the thing. You know, because this is, we do give advice. We do. I'm going to turn to you. My goodness. But it's kind of, it's too late for you to help me. But I feel like I could help somebody else. Okay. And also, we can't use a time machine. I made a lot of mistakes in this story. Right. How long is this story? Not long. Okay. So, you know, I have that thing where if people message me about things, ask me to do things, and I will engage a bit and kind of go oh no and then I'll get to a bit where I kind of think I can't be bothered to engage with this anymore I'll just stop replying to these messages okay I see where this is going okay so that's that's on me yeah that is my kind of ostrich head in the sand way of dealing with that problem so I was doing that to someone and then I bumped into them right and they were very nice there was no awkwardness and I thought that's good and then they went um oh, I should give you my number because your number, I think I've got an old number.

2:35Maria McErlane:Oh, clever of them. So I'm going, okay. And they're giving me their number. And you're putting it in and it's coming up. No, no. And then she's saying, oh, just call me and then I'll have your number. And I'm thinking, yeah, when I call you, it will just come up as Graham Norton. Oh my goodness. Because my number has not changed. So, there was a little look in the face when it happened, but I felt terrible. And is there something you could say? How do you excuse that? How do you kind of go, oh, that's weird you have my number in your phone, given that it's a brand new number? I think you were found out, Graham.

3:17Maria McErlane:Yes, I think so. I don't think there's much to be done about that. It's just like saying I'm a horrible person. Well, because, but then neither of you, the elephant in the room was, why haven't you replied to my message? Well, bless them, they assumed I couldn't be that rude and they must have been using an old number. Yeah, but then as it transpired, you are that rude. But what about if you say, oh, I lost my phone, so I've been using a burner phone. I lost my phone for a while, but I've got it back now. Oh, I've got a message from you. Oh, look, I've got hundreds of messages from you. Get the hint.

3:53Because I do think that. Like, you know, oh, I've got a wrong number. No, just get the hint.

3:58Maria McErlane:Well, here's the advice I would give to you. Don't bother with the hint. Just go for the jugular and say no. I know. Is that a hard word for you to say? Yes, it is. Should we discuss that for a while? I know. But it is very hard. And you've got to think, my age, why would I care? Well, because everybody wants to be liked and you don't want to be seen as, you know, some sort of diva-ish presenter. Yeah. So, you know, we asked Graham and he just said no, flat out. But, you know, nothing's stopping you from making up an excuse. So work things. I always kind of think, oh. Go to my agent. Yeah, I just kind of think that's what they're for so that they can be rude to you.

4:35Maria McErlane:Yeah. Well, then in future. I don't have to be rude to you. In future then, rather than the hint, as you're saying, get the hint, just say, oh, sorry, really busy. Would you mind running this past my agent, Melanie? Oh, yeah, because I don't keep my own diary. I don't. I can't keep track of what I do. You don't need to make it go into any further explanation other than, I'm really busy, would you mind running this past Melanie? Because I'm not sure. Yeah, but I hate that technology can now... Reveal you to be a nasty person. Yeah, it could trip us up like that. Curse you, stupid phone. What were you expecting?

5:15Maria McErlane:I wish I'd have been there for that. I'd have said, oh, he had your number all the time and you had his all the time How funny, he must have been ignoring your messages Can I get you both a drink? I would have said, were you ignoring her, Graham? No, it's not that, it's just the news I'm sure that, oh, sometimes there's a thing with my phone sometimes messages don't come through Because that is sort of rubbish you end up saying kind of like, oh, yes, I've had some problems with my phone Well, I think most You keep messaging Yeah, most people just say, oh my God, I saw your message and I thought it must reply to that.

5:52Maria McErlane:And then I just forgot. And honestly, I do do that all the time. Yeah, I do that all the time. You know, my email thing is just full of keep us new, keep us new, keep us new. I.e. to be replied to. Yeah, I have. And how long do you do that for? I've got about 6 ,000 new emails. Oh, stop it. Yeah, keep us new, keep us new. And like when I go back to some of them are like, you know, the 90s. and... I think that ship has sailed. They don't want you to do that gig anymore. That gig on behalf of the miners.

6:25Maria McErlane:That's gone. Hi, I've got new 20 minutes. Oh, it's hard though, isn't it? Because you don't want to be horrible to people and you don't want to be seen as that person. Oh no, it's too busy for us. He's on the telly, blah, blah, blah. Which people jump to that conclusion very, very quickly. Yes, in fact, I'm not too busy. I'm sitting in my garden. Yeah, well, you just don't. I think it's fine to say, I don't want to. I wish I could, but I don't want to. Yes. Oh, that sounds lovely, but not for me.

6:57Maria McErlane:It's a dilemma. Yeah. I mean, I've stopped, when I turn things down, when I do bother to turn things down, I've stopped giving reasons now. Good for you. So I just got to go, I can't. Yeah, because I've got to take my dog to the dentist and the thing is, the cat did a thing. You just had no. Good luck with it. Yes. My house burnt down. You might have read about it. Good luck with it. I think Alan Carr is free. Do you want this number? Yeah, throw them all under the bus. Yeah, let them do it. Yeah. But I felt bad. I did feel bad. Anyway, so you'd no advice. Can I just say, this is good foreshadowing.

7:37Maria McErlane:Yes, it is. It is. What's to come. I've given you the advice is stop doing the hint and just do the no. No, no, but that's changing my life. In that moment, what would I have said? Oh, in that moment? Nothing. I think you could have gone with the honesty box and you could have gone with, ah, you caught me. Or I could have fainted. That's what I do. That is exactly what I do, as you know. Yeah. Oh, oh. Oh, yeah, oh. Listen, we are here to help others, not ourselves. So that will happen very shortly.

8:16Maria.

8:17Maria McErlane:Yeah. A letter, please. Okay, this is a short one. I like this one. Oh, excellent. Dear Graham and Maria, love the pod and want to know what you make of this tiny complaint of mine. Right. Me and my boyfriend have been happy together for two years and our relationship is still sexy, fiery and exciting. All right. Here I am, humblebrag. The only thing is he won't shave down there. He's quite a pursuit gentleman all over, and I do find him very attractive, but I would really much prefer it if his meat and two veg were totally bare, to guarantee smooth sailing, as it were. We'll finish the letter, we'll get to this.

8:57Maria McErlane:I've heavily hinted that I'd prefer this, but so far he's refused to shave because, worded commas, he can't be bothered. Am I unreasonable if I keep pushing this from Emma, not my real name? That's a difficult one because, you know, autonomy over your body and all of that is very important. But then if he wants his meat and two veg to be nurtured and loved, then I think it's only decent of him to... Although the growing back is the horrible thing, isn't it? No, but also Emma, Emma, Emma, he's a hairy man. Yeah. So if you get rid of that, it will look like he's had a meat-to-veg transplant or something from a doll.

9:41Maria McErlane:Well, nobody's going to be looking at that except Emma, probably. Yeah, but like, essentially, that will just look so weird. Hairy, hairy, hairy, hairy. What the? You know, are these new? Did you get these from a shop? Like, that would just look really weird. And also, I don't understand. Maybe this is showing my age. But, you know, pubes, they're there for a reason. I think it's because ladies have, you know, of late been encouraged to go for the prepubescent look, which, you know, it's a personal thing as well. Hygienically, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, trapping smells and nastiness. What's going on down there?

10:25Maria McErlane:Pop concert most nights. There's a nest. Oh, an owl lives down here. What are you doing in my pants, Graham? But so I suppose, you know... I think you owe... I think men owe us that if we're going to strip ourselves bare of any kind of hairiness. But hairy man also... No, but hairy man, yes, hairy back, hairy this and all of that, that's fine. But that area is not getting specific attention that involves being in that vicinity for some time. Well, we don't know. But no, here's the thing, the smooth sailing. I was thinking... What were you thinking? I was thinking, is it like a Velcro thing where all the pubes are getting entangled and they can't do anything?

11:15But of course, Emma will be bare. So in fact, so the pubes on all the hairiness on her smoothness is irritating her, I think.

11:24Maria McErlane:Well, actually, I'm thinking more of an oral situation here. Okay. No? You know, so then that is... Just comb it out of the way. Little L-net. Pop a comb into your bra before you hop down there. Yeah, centre parting, Bob's your uncle. I think it's quite hard to, if he's a suit man and a hairy man, it's quite hard to avoid. No, you could damp it down, get a blow dryer out. Oh, stop it now. Kill the mood, why don't you?

12:01Maria McErlane:I'll start in a minute Would you like a perm while I'm down here? No, I think, I don't know, I'm really, I'm conflicted on this I think, look, I suppose it's one of those things because I just think he would look disgusting if he was bare down there Yeah, but nobody's looking apart from Emma Yeah, but Emma asks He's not going to be naked and show his meat and two veg to the world go, does this look foolish to you or what? It's only her. And she's the one that is giving a lot of attention to that particular region. I love that you thought it was a Velcro thing. Like his hair was somehow Velcroing against hers.

12:37Can I just say?

12:37Maria McErlane:Yeah. It would be quite the curveball on Naked Attraction. What? Well, you know, with the screen, you've got like hairy, hairy, hairy, hairy. And they're like, what, what? I think I've seen that on Naked Attraction. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, God. I mean, not that I watch that regularly. No, I know. Hard to do. Well, because actually out of context, when you get kind of that bit, you know, the head and the neck and the body, you kind of go, oh, nice. And then you get that bit and you kind of go, oh, sort of spoilt it all now. It's not both women and men. I don't think aesthetically the genitals are pleasing.

13:12I think if you're not in the right mood, it suddenly seems very medical. Negative attraction looks like you're in an autopsy.

13:20Maria McErlane:Once you're actually doing the thing that they're meant to do... Then you're not bothered. Then you're not bothered. No, you're not bothered at all. And that is sort of nature taking over. But if you're going to paint them or wanted to look at them because of their beauty, then no. No. So what are we saying to Emma? I'm saying... You see, I think by the fact that her boyfriend has said, I can't be bothered, that doesn't show much interest in Emma's kind of need for... I think if you say I can't be bothered to shave down there, you can't be bothered to go down there. Well, here's a compromise. And I do think it's about the growing out.

14:00Yeah, that's a bit itchy. Just trim. Just get down there with a nice trimmer and tidy it all up. Tidying up is, you know, that's a good idea. Because I think he will be worried. Like if he plays sports or anything and he's in a changing room, you know, everyone will just go, what the hell? And he has to go, that stupid girl I'm dating, Emma, made me.

14:21Maria McErlane:Yeah, I do think these days that most men I know, not just gay men, most men I know do a little bit of judicious trimming. Well, because back in the day, you'd have to kind of repurpose, you know, shavers and things. But now they've brought out a whole range of like body shavers and da, da, da. So there's lots of products. So, Emma, here's a nice thing. Buy him one. Buy him one of those body grooming things because they have a long handle. A penile strimmer. That sort of thing. You can get it everywhere you want with it. There's an extension. An M &S. Yeah, and you can dust high corners with it as well.

15:00Maria McErlane:I mean, the other thing you could do, Emma, is buy him a back sack and crack session at the beauty parlor. Because he's, what, where did you think I was going to say? At M &S. No, just a beauty parlor just made me think of a dog groomer. Very similar. Yeah, give him some cheats on all fours. Finish! You could say, just try it once for me. It's going to be a bit ouchy, but, you know, you might like the finish and you might want to do it again. I don't think he will because growing out is itchy. Yes. She finds him attractive, which is good. And it's been two years and everything is fiery and sexy and good.

15:37Maria McErlane:This is a tiny thing. And I think he needs to kind of do something for you on this department. Trim. In this department. Trim, yeah. Yeah, we're compromising Emma. We're going for quite a tight-train nail scissors down there. And I would say that obviously it doesn't repulse Emma because she's managed to be fiery and on it for two years. You know, it was absolutely gross down there if it was kind of, you know, the land that time forgot. Then... Prehistoric creatures. What can I hear?

16:14Maria McErlane:Jurassic Park down there. What? A pterodactyl just bit my ear. I think the wangers won't have replied to this at all. Don't be ridiculous. That'd be good if we just went to the wanger response sheet. It was just, no, sorry, crickets. Tumbleweed. Who've we got? We've got Diane in Lancashire who says, there are specialist tools to handle nether regions, so I suggest you shave him as part of sexy time. Make it part of foreplay. Oh, lovely. That's a great idea. Dress up as a nurse. A veterinary nurse. I mean, a lot of men wouldn't want you down there with a pair of nail scissors. No, not a nail scissors.

16:56There's a safety guard.

16:58Maria McErlane:On those things, yes. But if you trim, I think that's the best way, with a pair of nail scissors. No, you put a guard on with a, you know, you pick your number. and off you go. Ah, to do a little bit of a shave, but not like a crew cut, yeah? Oh, you know, whatever floats your boat. Another Diane in Cheshire says, I believe this is a simple matter of his body, so it's his choice. Oh, Sister Diane. Would you like it if he insisted on you shaving certain areas? We don't know Diane. He may have already insisted on that. Everything has been wonderful and exciting for two years, so what makes you think it would be improved if he made this change?

17:36Maria McErlane:If he doesn't want to shave down there, then you'll just have to accept his decision. Okay, Diane. I mean, that's boring, but she's right. It was a dull response, but she is absolutely correct. Yeah, but I do think if he wants attention in that department of a sexy nature... He should hide sweets down there or something. And a Ferrari. And magazines. Alistair. Vanity Fair. Alistair from Kilbarkin. Kilbarkin? We've had this before. Dear pubic... I hope it's the same person. I can't imagine anyone else from this town has bothered to write in. Anyway. To hear the name of the town mangled. Alistair says, dear pubic problem holder, as a fellow hairy bloke, I can see both sides of this.

18:25Maria McErlane:It can be like... Just. It can be like wading through a flossing forest down there, and when unkempt, but shaving keeps it smooth for a very limited time. And it can be uncomfortable, itchy, and give the nether regions a look of an uncooked turkey. Nice image. Especially if he's like a gorilla everywhere else. Discuss with your boyfriend to try it once versus keeping it shaved or well-trimmed to see if he likes it. And if not, then respect his choice. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and he ruled over your fuf regime. Foof. Do you know what a foof is? I can guess. It's not a belly button.

19:07Maria McErlane:You might not feel so pushy. Thank you very much, Alice there from Kilmarchen. Anon says, if you're getting nowhere by asking him to shave, let yours grow. Grow yourself a muff and see what he says. If he says shave it off, then ask him to do the same. If he doesn't, you may have to let it go this once. Shaving is a faff. What's a faff? What's a faff? A faff is very similar to a foof. Oh, okay, yeah. Shaving is a faff and it should be a personal choice. Eleanor says, as a woman... Oh, that is right. Yeah, yeah. Eleanor has noticed that she is a woman. As a woman... With a faff. I've been shamed by men for having any hair down there and pressure to remove it.

19:48Maria McErlane:It's taken many years to not feel shame around a bit of hair and just do what I want with my body. So I think you can make a suggestion, as you already have, but it's about autonomy and ultimately it's his body to do what he wants with. I also think can't be bothered is perfectly reasonable. I don't know if she's been ironic there. Well, and also, you know, have they talked about it? Because Emma just says heavily hinted. Like, what does that mean? You know, get down, says, I can't see the wood for the trees. She could do this. Oh, have you had a shower today? Yeah. Yeah, things like that. Or go down there and go...

20:29Maria McErlane:Help. Send a rope down. I'm tangled. It's like Velcro down here. I can't remove my foot. Your foof and my foof. What a faff. Good words with Fs. Emma, thank you so much for writing us in. We enjoyed the problem more than I thought we would. Yeah. You need to get out more, is all I can say. Good luck with whatever he decides. Now, I don't know if we opened this up to the comments or not. Let's do it. So, fully shaven or wild and free, let us know what you prefer. What do you prefer? What do you prefer? You know, under control. You know, not like a forest fire, but, you know, there you go. We'll have another problem in just a moment.

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