Sleeping with Married Men... Plus: Mutiny in the Book Club!! Graham and Maria are on the case

18:57Maria McErlane:I think cabins are perfectly well. Nice. I mean, the tour is just as nice as the four-er, as we've been told. But I think the problem is Maud. But you're still sharing a bathroom. At least in the small one, you're only sharing a bathroom with Maud. In the big one, you're sharing a bathroom with four people, or three other people. It's a lot. I think you're adding problems where you don't need to, Graham. Can I just say, shall we see what David has to say? Oh, yes. The lady who is bravely volunteering to room with Maud should approach her privately and detail how much she's looking forward to rooming with her, as it'll make her feel more comfortable in the group dynamic.

19:32Maria McErlane:Isn't she suffering enough? Make Maud think she's doing this lady an epic favour and being a good Samaritan. That way Maud is in this small cabin, but she thinks it was her idea and will be very pleased with herself. I think Maud will just think the other woman's a lesbian who's coming on to her. I'm really glad we're going to be alone together in the small cabin. What do you mean? Yeah, don't drink too much tonight. Maudie. I don't want you falling asleep on me. Well Julia Bon voyage Have a splendid time Driving each other Round the bed In your holiday cabins Don't forget Our email address For your Nagging dilemmas You can reach us At wangingon At listen.co.uk And maybe We can dispense Some non-expert advice In your direction There'll be more Of that kind of thing Next This episode of Wangingon Is brought to you By Drambui Which means we get to answer a bonus problem sent in by the Wangers.

20:32Maria, you've already opened your envelope. You're so keen.

20:35Maria McErlane:I was very eager, Graham. Dear Graham and Maria, at a party earlier this year, one of my invited guests kept taking charge of my computer and changing the music. It drove me mad. But nothing I said or did stopped him. I shall never invite him again, which is a shame, as I used to be friends with his wife. What would you both do in this situation, please? And that is from Catherine. I cannot have hidden my computer. Can you do that? Eh. I mean, you can hide a computer. It's a great parlor game. Kids love it. It's connected to the internet, so you can hide it so he doesn't know where it is. Okay, that's interesting, yeah.

21:13Maria McErlane:Why are you looking at me like that? Well, because we know it's connected to the internet. So it's somewhere in the World Wide Web. What I'm saying is, if he doesn't know where the computer is, he can't change it. But he can get out his phone and log on to your Wi-Fi or something. I don't know. Look, I think Catherine did the right thing. You say something to them and say, please stop doing that. It's my party, my music. Thank you very much. I think it is the act of someone who has got nothing to offer in terms of conversation and feels sort of socially anxious. and they think the only thing they can provide is the music.

21:55Wow. That's what I think.

21:56Maria McErlane:Yeah. That's them finished. Yes. Destroyed. You ripped them a new one. Well, Catherine doesn't even like them. She used to be friends with the wife. She likes the wife. So this is just one of those kind of weirdo guys that your friends end up with and now he's messing around with your computer. And you say, please don't. You say, please don't. They ignore you and then you never invite them again. I think what you've done, Catherine, is what we would all do in that situation. Yes, I think saying it once or twice to somebody, don't change the music again, otherwise I will, you know, have you removed.

22:30Yeah, or you go to the wife and go, control that moron. Yeah.

22:34Maria McErlane:But I think hiding the computer, but I think you're right, people can now log into your thing, can't they, and change things? I think can they. Do you see how many parties I have? With your sound system. I have to change my computer. I've still got those two little portable things that you take on holiday with you. Great though, aren't they? Yeah. Oh, I know. And people get to talk about how great the sound is, given how small they are. We love that chat. And you say, sorry, I can't hear you for the woofers. They're really strong. A company that's all built into that, the size of a box. Well, that's a difficult one, Catherine.

23:09Well, I think Catherine's lost a friend, essentially. Well, not even a friend, just some annoying guy who was messing with the computer.

23:14Maria McErlane:And also, you don't, whatever about... Men do. Men do. Men come in and do whatever they want in your house like it's theirs. I'm telling you that. Does that make me sound like a man-hater? No. It makes you sound like men have come into your house and done what they liked. Those are burglars. That man in the Balclava is being very reckless with my computer. He's changed my music and everything. And I have no idea who he is. I was watching that television. Bring it back. Catherine, those are our thoughts. Next time, before they even get to your laptop, why not surprise them with a glass of Drambui?

23:54Maria McErlane:It's the perfect accompaniment for every party, especially the way it's prepared here, Graham, which is a Drambui iced espresso. Do you know what gives Drambui its unique flavour, Maria? No, but I think you're going to tell me. It's Scottish honey made from the heather, do you see? Honey? Honey from the heather, I like that face. Well, that's why Scottish bees love Heather. I think the sweetness really complements the bitterness of the coffee, don't you? I do, Maria. Shall we toast to another problem solved? Let's do that. Chinky chink. I love the clink of ice. Drambui Ice Espresso, the unexpected crowd pleaser.

24:29Maria McErlane:Please enjoy and share Drambui responsibly. Visit drinkaware.co.uk for more information. This episode is brought to you by Sweetgreen. The day doesn't ask for permission. Lunch window? Gone before you saw it coming. You deserve a break that actually satisfies. Sweetgreen's new wraps have got you. Real ingredients, zero shortcuts. Everything you love in one hand. Think green goddess chicken. Garlic aioli. Crumbled bacon. Corn salsa. 40 grams of protein. Made to keep up with whatever comes next. New Sweetgreen wraps hit different. Order now at order.sweetgreen.com. This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the all-in-one finance app to bank, borrow, and invest.

25:12Say goodbye to account fees and give your bank balance a glow up with the SoFi high yield savings account. Get over eight times the national average savings rate and an epic welcome bonus when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Sign up at SoFi.com slash Spotify. SoFi checking and savings offered through SoFi Bank N.A. Member FDIC. Terms apply. Nation. Look out, everyone. Maria's back with another bulging envelope.

25:41Maria McErlane:We have got. Dear Graham and Maria, I've been having an affair with a married man for the past year. Things were going really well with him professing his love for me and vice versa. However, it has been revealed that his wife had somehow hacked into his email account and saw all of our email exchanges for a full month. Despite telling his wife that all is over between us, he messaged once more telling me that he'd love to see me again and would be in touch in the coming weeks. Four months have passed and I'm now starting to think that I will never hear from him again. Am I a fool for thinking a married man would value and respect me if he doesn't respect his own wife?

26:23Maria McErlane:Or should I make contact one last time, letting him know how I feel so I can get a proper sense of closure as I do feel mistreated by him. And that is from James, not my real name. Oh. So wait, so he's married? Yes. Yes, Maria. I think you've done the math. Yes. It's a very different problem when you get to the name at the end. Yeah, yeah, because I was expecting, you know. Melissa. Well, James, I mean, look, there's something very appealing about a gay man, I think, having sex with a straight man or seemingly straight men. No, but, you know, thinking you're turning them, et cetera, et cetera.

27:04Maria McErlane:But the writing was on the wall before you even started on this. And him saying the wife, he left his email for the wife to find, you know what I mean? People want to be found out. And he didn't know how to end it because he's a coward. A coward who's living probably a double life, which is somehow worse, but do we forgive him a bit for that element? but him saying I'd love to be in touch with you again, that's just blah, blah, blah. So when you say it's been four months, James, and you haven't heard from him again, that's it, mate. But the problem is, and here's the thing, James, you should be glad you haven't heard of him in four months because you will hear from him again.

27:48He'll, you know, six months down the line, he'll go, hmm.

27:51Maria McErlane:But don't... A bit itchy now, I might... Well, he can go and scratch it with somebody else, not you, James. I think if I were you, James... James is easy because James is just waiting. Well, you're hanging on, waiting for... I think have a bit more self-respect, James, if I can be so bold, because you're on a hiding to nothing here. And when, you know, if it's a man and a woman or a woman and a woman or whatever, people rarely leave their partners in these situations. What they want is a bit of excitement, and yours was especially exciting if he's married to a woman and he wanted to, you know, have a fun time with you.

28:27Maria McErlane:But I want you, James, to go and find someone who wants you for you. And is available. And is available. And also ready for a gay relationship, all those things. I think... Not in the closet, exactly. If you want to... I mean, having an affair is so... I mean, I get it, these things happen. But I think if you go into an affair thinking you're going to get anything long-term or meaningful out of it, you're an idiot. Because you've got to get a bit of excitement, a bit of sex, and that's it. Because if he does end up with a man, it won't be you, James. No. It'll be after he's left his wife, you know, being honest with himself, being honest with his wife, and then he's out in the world and he'll meet people.

29:17You're just...

29:19Maria McErlane:shrapnel I'm afraid James that's all you are and I want to kind of ask you James whether or not you have done kind of this on purpose to go for somebody who isn't available I mean there's a lot of that that goes on because then you can blame something that isn't you because it's more it's scary to go to be open and vulnerable and then somebody you know let you down whereas you kind of always knew James that you were getting let down here Because the minute you find out someone's married, you just say, get out of Dodge. What is the point of this? There's no point. What is the point of this? Yeah.

29:54Maria McErlane:And, you know, for all of those things, I will, everybody says this, I will change them. I will turn them into what I want them to be. No, no, you won't. And you won't do anything in this situation other than get on with your life and have some self-respect and have some confidence that you're enough. Yeah. And to find somebody, as Graham says, who's out and proud and not apologizing and not, you know, behind the bike sheds type of approach. There's a weird thing, too. You sometimes encounter with gay men who have sex with a man like this. Kind of go, oh, he'd never been with a man before. As if, you know, I'm so attractive.

30:31He was straight till he met me. And you think, well, that's what he's telling you. But that's probably not true. And I just, I wonder if James has got a bit hooked into that. that he feels really special.

30:42Maria McErlane:I do know a lot of my gay friends who do like the notion of a straight man. But I think that basically the difference between a straight man and a gay man is about eight pints of lager. Yeah. I mean, you know, if it feels good, do it. And after eight pints of lager, you don't care where the pleasure is coming from. Yeah, and then after a few months of that, you realize they've got really fat. Because there's so much lager. They're drinking so much lager. And then you don't want to sleep with them anymore. I think of times. QED, perfect ending. But James, I feel for James. I do too. Because he's foolishly got involved in this situation, which he should have got out of the minute he was in it.

31:21But that is easier said than done. And now you've allowed your feelings to get involved in this thing. And you're looking for closure. I mean, there was no opening. So how can there be closure? You know, you were never promised anything. You know, because I think you need closure at the end of a relationship if you walked into that relationship thinking, this is the rest of my life, and now look, we're not together anymore. You walked into this knowing he has a life. I'm just a funny little footnote in that life.

31:52Maria McErlane:So when he said to you, James, that he messaged you to say he'd love to see you again and would be in touch in the coming weeks, didn't any part of you think to yourself, no, he won't? And also, I feel like after four months, you should just be counting your lucky stars that this guy isn't in your life anymore. Be happy he's gone. That's your closure. Your closure is you've stopped hearing from him and rejoice and get out there and meet someone who is available, who isn't a proven liar. I mean, you know what I mean? Like in terms of personality traits, right off the bat, you know he's a bit of a wrong one.

32:31because he's betraying people. Your love is based on someone else's pain. Yeah. And that's a horrible feeling to have, I think. Should we find out? I think there's going to be some home truths from our wangers on. What have they got to say to James?

32:47Maria McErlane:We've got Heidi in Atlantic, Canada. Two words, move on. It seems he doesn't have the decency or courage to let you go cleanly with proper explanation. An apology and a goodbye. He's shown you who he is. Believe it and don't waste any more time on cheating married men. You deserve better and so do their wives. I wish you well. Heidi is, she speaks truth, Graham. She does. She speaks utter truth. But the trouble is he's not going to, yes, he's not going to get any of the stuff that, you know, he's not going to get the explanation, apology, goodbye. No, no, no, no, no. Lucy says, you should delete his number from your phone, all social media contacts and burn the bridges that tie you to this philandra.

33:29Maria McErlane:You deserve better. So does his wife. If it makes you feel better, write a letter to him describing how he made you feel. Then burn it with any mementos, gifts, and photos associated with him. You can then have the closure you need and find someone who is faithful. This is all very, very good advice, frankly. I mean, the other thing is what's really so kind of painful here is that you know that the wife has seen all your emails and she's gone, no, I'm going to stay with this guy. I mean, that's... Well, because we're all a bit codependent and broken. It's so painful. But I think she's seen this before.

34:08Maria McErlane:I don't think this is her first rodeo as far as it's concerned. And I do think Graeme is right when you say that he will get back in touch with you at some point because you're... Easy. Easy. And then, you know, revenge is a dish, best served cold, James. Then you can say no. I hope James can. Oh, I hope you can too. Darren Brighton sent us a voice note. He's had his cake and he's eaten it. And bless you, you're not a fool. I think he probably preyed on you in a vulnerable situation that you're in right now. Do not give him the satisfaction of reaching out to him. Leave him in his mess because that's what he's in.

34:42Maria McErlane:Good. Good advice, Darren. Well said. Sounding a bit like Ryland there. Was he? I thought so. Reg says, Dear Graham and the ever insightful Maria. I should read that again. And the ever insightful Maria. Stupid. Four months have gone by and he's starting to think he'll never hear from you again. You reckon, hello, wake up and move on. There are plenty more marriages to destroy. Yes, because actually we are letting James off the hook here. We're putting all the blame on other man. And it is true that he was the one cheating on his wife. But, you know, James was complicit in... Yeah, but I think Darren in Brighton was right because I think maybe he did prey upon James slightly because he knows what he's doing.

35:25Maria McErlane:He, you know, give the gifts or whatever, talk the talk, but never going to leave the wife. Yeah. So I think he knew. Hairy Fairy Tracy. Do you know who that is? Yes. Good. Hairy Fairy Tracy says, Never mind a married man not valuing or respecting you. What about respecting yourself and realizing you are worth more than being someone's bit on the side? Value yourself. Get yourself out and about, start a new interest, and you'll soon make a new circle of friends. and who knows, maybe a new love. She said new, an awful lot there, Hairy Fairy Tracy. Wangers, if we haven't managed to get to your message, do pop your advice in the comment section below this video.

36:05Does anyone out there think that James, not his real name, should get in touch with the guy? Lobby in your two cents too. And of course, thanks to James, not his real name, for being in touch. That was our final dilemma in this episode, but always room for an am I weird? I turn to you, Maria.

36:23Maria McErlane:Today's is from Katie. She says, Hi, Grandma Maria. Am I weird? I can't wink to save my life. I've never... Sorry? I knew you were going to do that. How did I know you were going to do that? Dear Grandma Maria, I cannot wink to save my life. Wink. I've never been able to. It's incredibly inconvenient for flirting. I've never met anyone else who can't. But it can't be just me. Oh, Katie. There are lots of people who can't wink. And also, Katie, you shouldn't be winking at people in order to flirt. I mean, I know what she means, but there are other ways to flirt. I mean, get yourself a fan, Katie, like they did in the olden days.

37:08Yeah, just lift up your top.

37:13Maria McErlane:No, don't do that, Katie. You know, you can't wink. It's a kind of physiological thing. It's not weird. It's just your face isn't built that way. Some people can wink with one eye, but not the other. See, I can't do that. Can you wink with both eyes? Yeah. Yeah. But I want to know what happens when Katie tries to wink. Do both her eyes shut or, you know, do her ears? What happens? To some extent, oh, you're so funny. That whole face collapsing in an attempt to wink. So you're probably only weird when you try to wink. So don't do it. Yeah, so don't do it. I would say just don't do it. I mean, you know, there probably is a school or a course that you can go on that will teach you how to wink.

37:56Maria McErlane:But I think there's more interesting things to do. There's probably a YouTube video. Oh, my goodness. There's a YouTube video for most things. Yeah. Yeah, a YouTube tutorial. Yeah. You know, if you really care, Katie. But be sure to put in wink, though, Katie. I think YouTube filters out those videos. Does it? Yes. Does it? I think it does. I don't think YouTube filters out anything, frankly. Pretty sure it does. So I don't think you're weird. It's just a physiological thing and you'll have to try harder on the flirting front. Be witty. Be coquettish. Oh, that was the word I was going to say. Where are you?

38:29Maria McErlane:Coquettish. And, um... Potato croquette. Be unavailable. And do a tinkling laughter like this. Hehehehe. Ugh. No. Maria, look at that. Wanging on is over for this week. Hooray! And if you enjoyed this episode, please be so kind as to subscribe or follow in your podcast app of choice so you don't miss out on the next episode. Ah, and... And we're also on YouTube. So come find us there and maybe watch us on your TV instead of squinting at your phone screen. A reminder of our email address for Dilemmas and any other business, which is wangingon at listen.co.uk. And our Instagram handle is at wangingon.

39:08And that's where you can find our link to proper support services because we aren't experts, are we, Maria?

39:15Maria McErlane:Well, you're not, but I am. so wanging on with Graham and Maria is a lesson production have a good week everybody and goodbye