In short
The episode mixes ads and chat, then answers three listener dilemmas. Topic 1: “Snogging with Too Much Tongue” advice for Owen (Carlisle) who’s dating a woman for six weeks but says she kisses with an overly wet, noisy, tongue-heavy “trout flapping” style.
Guests
Graham and Maria (hosts) plus a puppy, Raffy (toy poodle).
Key claims
early relationship issues should be addressed quickly via a “kissing workshop”/ask “how’s my kissing?” rather than criticism; it may fade or become a bigger annoyance; some listeners suggest pickled Monster Munch to “smooth” tongue action; others say bad kissing won’t improve.
Notable examples
“don’t flap it,” “pointy tongue,” and “trout in the ointment.” Topic 2: Anonymous (early 50s) feels guilty about retiring; hosts suggest volunteering/part-time fulfilling work, not forcing a job. Topic 3: Tim keeps an updated “burn book” from Mean Girls; hosts call it childish/weird and warn it could be found.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOGraham's Shoulder Surgery
1:34 to 2:39
Graham discusses his recent shoulder surgery and experiences with physio.
“I think I was doing, I would have been doing stand-up then, I think.”
Graham's Shoulder Surgery
3:19 to 4:25
Graham discusses his recent shoulder surgery and experiences with physio.
“Now, Graham, I feel that things have run amok of late because I haven't asked you.”
Acupuncture Experience
4:25 to 5:28
Discussion on acupuncture and its effects, with a humorous take on past experiences.
“No, often there's complaints at reception.”
Life with a Budgie
5:28 to 6:59
A humorous recount of living with a messy budgie in a shared flat with an acupuncturist.
“When you say it was all in your mind, do you sound very sceptical?”
Owen's Kissing Dilemma
6:59 to 11:30
Advice for a listener named Owen who struggles with his partner's kissing style.
“That's her worst I never go near it You inherited the budgie with the flat Is that how it was?”
Kissing Dilemmas and Insights
14:01 to 18:48
Graham and Maria discuss kissing issues and offer advice on communication in relationships.
“It's normally the thing that attracts you to a person that you end up hating by the time you finish.”
Navigating Retirement Decisions
19:46 to 28:00
The hosts address a listener's dilemma about returning to work post-retirement and explore the social perceptions around retirement.
“People listening to this kind of, is that a campfire?”
Navigating Retirement Guilt
28:00 to 30:05
Graham and Maria discuss the feelings of guilt associated with retirement and its societal perceptions.
“And when he shows up for work, you go, Gooden Morgan.”
Introducing 'Am I Weird?'
30:05 to 30:47
The hosts transition to the segment 'Am I Weird?' and introduce a listener's dilemma about a personal 'burn book'.
“I mean, people die because they kind of have nothing in their lives.”
The Dilemma of the Burn Book
30:47 to 34:28
Graham and Maria analyze the implications of keeping a personal 'burn book' and debate its weirdness.
“Dear Graham and Maria, am I weird that I have a real-life burn book from secondary school that I keep updated?”
Transcript
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1:22It's my era. Anne Rice's The Vampire Lestat. Stream all episodes now exclusively on AMC+.
1:30Maria McErlane:This episode is brought to you by Tesco Club Card. Now, Maria, can you remember what you were up to in 1995? Are you mad? I can't remember yesterday. 1995 is a long time ago. I know, Graham. I think I was doing, I would have been doing stand-up then, I think. So I was probably just, you know, in the passenger seat of a car. I think I was working down the mines. Of course you were, yes, famously. Yeah, the helmet looks so good on you. And the lighting, so kind. So kind. Of course, the other seismic event of 1995 was the launch of the Tesco Club Card. Are you saying the Club Card has been going for 30 years?
2:07Maria McErlane:It has. But more importantly, loads and loads of people have been enjoying all those lovely Tesco Club Card benefits over all those years. I mean, you can't deny it's great seeing the savings clocking up with Club Card prices, Graham. And if you want to celebrate 30 years of the Tesco Club Card, there's no better way than searching for those Club Card prices today. Wonderful idea. Do it now. And to see all the lower prices, all you have to do is search Tesco Club Card prices. Fabulous. Feel the power to lower prices with Tesco Club Card. Club Card or app required. Yeah, what are you doing? I hate that.
2:45It does sound like she felt out of well while she was writing the letter. And a lot of my friends are like, help!
2:52Maria McErlane:Maybe just reach out occasionally with a pointy tongue. I'm so sorry, this is a viz pod.
3:04Hello and welcome to Wanging On with Graham and Maria. I am Graham, that Maria. And I am Maria.
3:10Maria McErlane:Well done. We have the puppy, little Raffy, toy poodle, with us today. But he doesn't wang. He does do a little bit of barking. Light on the wang. Now, Graham, I feel that things have run amok of late because I haven't asked you. You had shoulder surgery only a moment ago and I know that you could only lift your arm up to sort of about shoulder height a little while ago. Like a minute ago. Like I doubt I'll be able to do it anymore now. Well, I'm here to ask you. I know, I am doing physio. No, that's what I wanted to ask you. Is the physio helping you to get it up to here? Get it up. She's moving her hand, ladies and gentlemen.
3:49She's moving her arm. And I said getting up.
3:55Physio does not help me do that. I'm very unprofessional.
3:59Maria McErlane:Multitasking, physio. Very good. Here's the thing. I don't mind the physio. Yes, yes. Because I feel like that's doing me some good. Well, it's necessary. But if someone tries to massage me, I will elbow them in the face. Do you know, I am with you on the massage. I feel so annoyed. Yeah, I do too. And people love it. I feel slightly that I don't like to be massaged unless I'm having sex with that person. And they don't always like that. No, often there's complaints at reception. I've been banned from many a health club. Keep your paper knickers on. But I do quite like a bit of acupuncture. Have you ever had that?
4:39Maria McErlane:I've never done that. Now I'm interested. What was wrong with you? Well, you could have it through your shoulder, actually. It might help. I've had major surgery. I don't think sticking a pin is going to help. They don't stick pins in your shoulder. They stick them in other areas. It follows meridian lines. Does that make any sense? I mean, it used to be an ITV franchise, but I'm not sure it's a medical term. Meridians. It follows certain meridians in your body that correlate with areas. I don't know what I'm talking about, do I? Oh, yeah, we're not experts. Yeah, that's right. On anything. even though we're going to talk about it.
5:12But did you feel the acupuncture doing something or was it all in your mind?
5:16Maria McErlane:No, I did feel it doing it. I did feel. And, you know, you think, oh, that's going to be out. It's not out here at all. It's teeny, teeny and it's subcutaneous and they're teeny weird things. And I can't remember what I went for. I think it was an injury, but I did feel much better afterwards. I remember. When you say it was all in your mind, do you sound very sceptical? No, no, no. The only thing, I went, I shared a flat years ago. Did you? Yes, with a woman who, and she was going to the school of acupuncture and she was filthy. And I just thought, I'd never go to you. Did she want to practice on you?
5:45No. Back off. Seriously.
5:48Maria McErlane:Wait a minute. I never knew that you shared a flat with an acupuncturist. I thought I knew most things about you. She was only training. She was only training. What's happened to her now? Are you still friends? No. My mother came to visit this flat. Did she needle you? My mother came to visit this flat and she walked into the kitchen. you can imagine the expression in my mother's face when she saw this the filth oh the filth like this woman the acupuncturist woman you know she was very health conscious obviously so she had one of those Brita water filter jugs which was filthy like my mother was just like you wouldn't drink out of that well there were fish swimming in it not quite but it wasn't far off but you could have cleaned up a little for her no did you have your own areas of expertise was it her who had the budgie or was it someone else had a budgie It was the same flat.
6:36And this budgie, it was amazing because it would eat in its cage over there. And the debris of the seed. Would be everywhere. Huge. Like an acre of it. And then this woman's carrying her needles through. I was like, no. Oh, the acupuncturist had the budgie. Well, she was certainly sharing the flat with the budgie. Okay. We both did. I wonder who owned it. Whose flat was it? We both thought we owned it.
7:05Maria McErlane:That's her worst I never go near it You inherited the budgie with the flat Is that how it was? How long did the budgie last? I remember talking to someone And they had an Airbnb in LA And they went Oh the only thing about this Airbnb Is you have to feed the tortoise Because the tortoise was so big and heavy They couldn't move it You couldn't lift the tortoise Where did it live? It just in the apartment Okay Yeah and you had to feed it lettuce and things but it could not be moved and it was about you know 70 or 80 years old and they live forever tortoises yeah so maybe the budget was like that I don't know I like that we've gone from acupuncture to tortoises of a great vastness back to my physio yeah gosh we can really duck and dive on these things can't we we can you know in out yeah hey should we should we get on should we pause and we'll get to the letters just about Raffi's impatient for letters.
8:04In a moment. Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice. I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply.
8:34Maria McErlane:See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. Graffy.
8:39The moment is now. Please rip open an envelope. Thank you very much.
8:43Maria McErlane:Dear Graham and Maria, I've been seeing this amazing woman for about six weeks. We get along so well and we're so compatible. It seems like there's a butt coming. I feel there's a big butt coming. Here it is. But she's such a bad kisser. She does this thing with her tongue. I can't describe it. Oh, no, do try. Oh, here he goes. It's like a trout flapping about in my mouth. Nice. And she makes weird noises. She makes weird noises. It's wet. It's noisy. It's weird. I want to fall in love with this woman, but I feel like this is stopping me. I'm so frustrated. I've never really been very lucky in love.
9:28Maria McErlane:Oh, shut up. I've not dated very much at all Finally somebody great comes along And she seems to be really into me This is literally the only snag But it's bad What do I do? And that is from Owen in Carlisle We should be a bit sympathetic to Owen He's been unlucky in love He's now found this wonderful woman Who just has a wet trout in her mouth Yeah, well the good thing is About being in a relationship Is the early days You kiss all the time And then after about three months you never kiss again. I would say, the other thing I would say to Owen is, six weeks, six weeks, this is the most annoying thing about her.
10:04In six months, it'll be, I'd say, about the third most annoying thing about her. Yeah, yeah. That other things will have taken to the fore.
10:11Maria McErlane:I, you know, I mean, it does seem that he's kind of, you know, really bigging her up. And yet, this is a big old thing. I mean, really, six weeks is too long. You should have gone, the first time she did the trout flapping in your mouth, you should have gone, there, what are you doing? I hate that. That's not funny. Why are you kissing like that? That's weird. How big is your tongue? Show me. Let me measure it. You should have done all of that early doors. Whereas she's got away with this and now that trout is, you know, flapping away. I wonder what age these people are. Really young. I'm sensing very young.
10:49Except Owen is old enough to think that he's been unlucky in love.
10:53Maria McErlane:Yeah, but you think you're lucky enough from about the age of 17 onwards. That is true. That is true. But look, he's found, Owen's found somebody. I guess, look, you can't, you are not going to be able to solve this problem, Owen. So you either live with it until you get used to it, or the whole relationship will just kind of fizzle out. Yeah. And, you know, this is only six weeks, Owen. And look, I'm glad you've had a lovely six weeks. Sloppy six weeks. Well, yes, there's been some downtime in the six weeks. But overall, it's been a success. And it'll probably drift on for maybe another month.
11:30And then it'll be over.
11:31Maria McErlane:See, I think you can resolve this, Owen. Oh, really? Because you're in the early stages of this. You're in that kind of sexy time. Everything's funny and hilarious. You can kind of, you know, be lying in bed and go, should we do a kissing workshop? Let's do a kissing workshop. Let's do a kissing workshop. What do you like? What do you like when I kiss you? Which bit of kissing do you like when I do things to you? And then you can kind of go, this is what I like. I like very little tongue in my mouth and really no trouts at all. Yeah, don't flap it. Don't flap it. Yeah, and say, maybe just reach out occasionally with a pointy tongue to mine.
12:08I'm so sorry, this is a viz pod.
12:12Maria McErlane:I'm really avoiding the trout flappy thing. But, you know, you are in that early stage thing where you can mess about and you can tell each other. It doesn't have to just be kind of kept kissing. It can be other things in the relationship, other sexy things in the relationship. And also because Owen's been unlucky in love up to this point. You're really regretting that you said that now, aren't you? No, but I feel like Owen can ask the lovely lady, you know, I've been a little unlucky in love. I'm not very experienced. How is my kissing? Yes, good. You see, now you're on my page. Well, because there might be something wrong with Owen's kissing to provoke the flapping.
12:49Yeah, she's trying to stop you. Maybe she's trying to get you out of your mouth.
12:54Maria McErlane:I'm choking here. They're not kissing, they're just tongue fighting. Yeah. It makes me wonder slightly, Graham, what she's like with that great big trouty thing when she's doing other things, putting other things in her mouth. He's been unlucky in love. And she's putting other things in her mouth. I would imagine, if you had a penis, that having a flappy trout was probably quite nice. I don't know. Have you ever had a flappy trout? No. You haven't lived. Isn't it weird that Owen can't describe it and then immediately goes for it's like a trout flapping into a dead. Well, I think he kind of went, no, it's indescribable.
13:32Maria McErlane:Or is it? It's just like a fish. It's like the death throes of a fish. A fish, a salmon running upstream, not running, swimming upstream. And a bear getting... Yes, slapping it between its balls. Owen, look, I think if something annoys you at the beginning of a relationship, because even things that charm you at the beginning of a relationship end up annoying you. So this is just going to get worse. It's normally the thing that attracts you to a person that you end up hating by the time you finish. That funny thing they do with their fringe. Yes. You know what I mean? Yes, that endless coughing that they do.
14:13Maria McErlane:Breathing. Breathing. Yeah, that breathing thing. Eating, chewing. Aren't bare the chewing. You really need to, you know, now is the time that you can address this and you should have done it a long, long time ago. I mean, I'm amazed that you haven't started backing off the kissing like that when the trout comes at you. But I do think there is something about asking, how's my kissing? Yes, good, good, good, good, yeah. Rather than starting with any form of criticism because we don't know what's going on here. and, you know, she's presumably kissed other people and no one, yes, they're not with her anymore.
14:49Maria McErlane:She's maybe been unlucky in love as well. Yeah.
14:56Maria McErlane:It's very good. Take it on the chin, Owen. Is that his name? Owen is his name. I'm not sure he's taking it on the chin. The drought's fallen out. But just, Graham is right. Say, how is my kissing? And then ask about other things. How is my whatever you're doing? And how is that? Because that's what you can do at the early stage of the relationship. But soon, you don't want to kiss anymore, and you certainly don't want to talk anymore. I think what's nice is that Owen has found someone. They get along really well. So Owen's very happy right now. There's just this one, you know, trout in the ointment.
15:32And so I don't know whether it's a deal breaker. Look, as you know, dear listeners, if you want to get in touch, you email us, wangingon at listen.co.uk. That is the email you use if you'd like to see the problems a tad early and stick your oar in. These people have done that. What do they have to say? Stick your oar in.
15:52Maria McErlane:We don't need an oar in the mix with their shroud. Craig says, before you and your partner do more tongue wrestling, I suggest either or both of you eat some pickled dungeon flavoured monster munch. That's a nice idea. I love a monster munch. Oh, lovely. The taste sensation you get from it is like super glue. It makes the tongue action much smoother for my liking. Good, Craig. Thank you for that insight into your snogging. That's like a recipe, isn't it? It is. Coat the trout in crushed monster munch. Pickled onion monster munch. Of course. That's quite hard to say. Quite a tang. Yeah. That's nice.
Read the full transcript
16:26But a nice crunch as well.
16:27Maria McErlane:Coat the trout. Nigella, you'll be taking this recipe any moment. Emily. Yes. Emily. Voice note. Or knock it right on the head. if you haven't learned to kiss by adulthood, it's inexcusable. It doesn't bode well for any future interactions you might have with this individual. And you will say you want to fall in love. Don't force it with trout face. Emily sounded like she really couldn't be bothered. Do you know what? I feel like Emily's just speaking the truth and we've tried to be a bit nicer, which is rare for us. Normally we're horrible. But I think Emily's probably right that just, you know, Owen...
17:09Maria McErlane:Knock it on the head. Yeah, Owen, you love... But she's perfect in every way apart from the trout. No, but Owen, that terrible sad thing Owen said is, you know, I really want to fall in love with this lady. And it's like, no, you really want to fall in love. That's all. Not with this lady. That's what you want to do. She's the person who's there. It's symptomatic, isn't it? Yes. So I think I wouldn't worry about this woman too much, Owen. Paul says, in my experience... Who's Paul? He's somebody... He's a wanger. Oh, okay. He's had access to this problem. Oh, yes. Before. Okay. It's written in.
17:39Maria McErlane:In my experience, bad kisses don't learn. I don't know how old you both are, but it feels... Well, thanks for asking. Rude. It feels like she should know how to kiss properly. Love the fact that it's always the woman's fault. If you can't stand it, make your excuses and end things. Somebody else will come along. I like Paul... Plenty of fish in the sea.
18:03I like Paul saying, in my experience, bad kisses don't learn. Like he's had lessons. Like he's been a dog trainer.
18:11Maria McErlane:You're in lesson six of kissing now and you still haven't learned to sit. Yeah, I'm pretty sorry. Pout, pout. Keep it in, keep it in. Wendy says, this is a fun problem to have. Spend more time kissing her. Do it for hours in front of the TV. As you get more comfortable, talk to her about it too. You'll both find a rhythm with each other eventually. Wendy is a real half-glassful kind of gal. Yeah, yeah. Spend ages kissing. No, that's all. Oh, and hopefully some of the wangers, and indeed myself, Maria, have helped. Our second dilemma is coming up very soon. This episode is brought to you by State Farm.
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19:27Fortunately, though, Mint's story is better. Every plan,$15 a month, even unlimited. That's it. Happy ending. Zero tears. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. See terms. Soon. Maria, have you got another envelope you'd like to rip open? I have. Marvelous. Slowly. Sorry. People listening to this kind of, is that a campfire?
19:56Maria McErlane:I'm just trying to be my authentic self. Slow. Yeah. Dear Graham and Maria, should I go back to work? I'm in my early 50s. My husband died a few years ago and I've since retired. I'm comfortably well off. I have hobbies, family close by, and a new house that needs finishing off. So I have plenty to do. But I feel to retire at my age is wrong. and I'm a tad embarrassed to tell people I'm not working. A few friends have already joked about my early retirement and sing Busy Doing Nothing to me. Help.
20:35She fell down a well while she was writing the letter. And a lot of my friends are like, help!
20:41Maria McErlane:I think I fell down a metaphorical well trying to get through that letter. Sorry, that's from Anonymous. I don't know why, other than people are going to send you begging letters because you're comfortably well off. If she doesn't need to work, you might think you ought to go back to work. But if you go back to work and you genuinely don't need to, you're going to hate it. And I think you won't last long. You won't put up with it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the thing is, everybody who does work is shouting now, if you don't need to, really, why would you? But I think there is something about having a routine.
21:16Maria McErlane:I mean, it does sound like you've got lots of things to do. I would say perhaps do some voluntary work, Anonymous, because... Do you remember when we used to do the radio? Yeah. We used to always say, oh, volunteer, da-da-da. It's really hard to volunteer. Is it? Yeah. You have to be checked and everything. Yeah, there's all those checks, da-da-da-da-da, you've got to be meeting. You kind of think, oh, it's a lovely thing, they must be crying out for volunteers. It's, they make, I mean, understandably, they make it difficult to do, but it is difficult to do. Charity shop in the high street? Well, I guess they have to find out who you are.
21:50Yeah, yeah.
21:50Maria McErlane:PBS checked, is it? What's that? Some sort of check. Pet shop boys. Pet shop boy check before you can attend any charity shop. So, look, I think what's nice about this letter is, you know, that this woman is thinking about her life. And yes, you're right. You are young. I think that's the good thing in this letter is she's realising, I'm not over the hill. I'm in my 50s. Now, here's the great thing. You've got money. You've got your health. She's finishing off her lovely house. She's got family. She's got hobbies. Lots of hobbies. But now is the time to take that money and spend it. Do all the things now because you don't want to be, you know, 80.
22:31While you still can. Yes, you don't want to be 80 and thinking, oh, I should have done that round the world trip. Do it now while you're young. And also spend your money on your family. Bring people with you on the trips. You know, just enjoy your life. This woman understands that she's in this very lucky, very kind of blessed position.
22:49Maria McErlane:So have a nice time. I think the problem here for Anonymous is that when she tells people that she's retired, they have some response, which is normally based on jealousy, busy doing nothing, etc. So I would say, don't tell them you're retired. Invent a job. Pretend you've got a job, you know, as a spy, part-time spy. But also, she did retire. Yeah. You know, she did decide. But I sort of thought that maybe she hadn't worked. And then now that the husband's dead, maybe she's thinking I'm going to go back into the workplace. But no, she did choose to retire. So I just feel if you don't have to work.
23:25Maria McErlane:But I'm reading between a line here. She's written to us and said, I think there's something about her that does want something to do. Something that kind of validates her in some way. because, you know, a lot of working is about social status and about having something to say when you go to boring drinks parties when people with no imagination say, what do you do? Yeah, I'm a trained killer. Yeah. Part-time. Yeah, I couldn't do it full-time. I don't work weekends. I think maybe it's an idea that maybe you could start a small business. That sounds like a lot of work. Well, no, because you don't really have to do anything.
24:00You just tell people, I run a small business.
24:02Maria McErlane:I think maybe one of your hobbies... oh, dear God, and walk off. I don't want to hear about this. Don't talk to her. She runs a small business. Yes, that's true. That's true. But you could actually turn one of your hobbies, Anonymous, into a small business. Yes, yes. And we're not talking like massive turnover, but just something you can say to people and just so you don't feel like you have to say, I've retired. Whereas I don't think you need to say, I've retired. When people say, what do you do? You can say, it's really none of your business. And mean it. But here's the thing. I think also you don't want, you know, the problem, whatever the problem is here, you don't want the solution to be making your life more miserable than it is now.
24:47And if you end up with some job you don't really enjoy, you've wrecked this amazing situation you find yourself in. Suddenly, you know, the alarm's going off at half eight. Yeah. Half eight. Well, that's late. Well, you know, she's self-employed. It's that small business. She doesn't really have to get up. It's that small business you're on downstairs.
25:05Maria McErlane:It's not going to run itself, Graham. No. I hope that house has been finished off. I think something part-time anonymous would be good, just enough to make you think I've got to do this or I'm valued or I have some status. There is some strange psychological thing that's going on here, which I think is the between the line part of this. You've got everything going on. You've got family, you've got hobbies, you've got enough money, you don't need to work. But part of you needs to feel validated And I think even a part-time job in a charity shop, you're doing something, you're saying hello to people, you're mingling, there's social aspect going on.
25:42Maria McErlane:And also, if you're working in a charity shop, you get all the best things. Also, greeting, supermarket greeters. Do they still have them? Oh, please, no. Oh, I think, I think. Isn't that an American thing, Walmart? I'd quite like that job. You hate people. No, but you don't have to talk to them. You just say, hello, welcome. And then you wave at the shop listeners as they run away. Sorry. Should I have tried to stop them? But if you talk to people and you say, hello, welcome, they're immediately going to go, can you tell me where the... No, no, no, no. When you meet a greeter, you immediately go, oh, dear God, they're talking to me, and you rush off.
26:14Maria McErlane:You do. All those lonely people that haven't spoken to anyone, anonymous, are going to go, hello, I've just had a back operation. Well, I think... I've been to my physio today. I can lift my arm. Says you. I can't. I think anonymous might enjoy that. I, because our wangers are, I think they are younger. I think people are going to be very jealous of this woman or they're going to use the word volunteer. Let's have a drinking game. Oh, that's true. What do they have to say? Morgan. We've not heard from Morgan before. I think we've heard enough from Morgan. Morgan says, there's a lot of full stops in this.
26:52Maria McErlane:Live your life, babe. I've just remembered talking about Morgan. Morgan came up with that very good slogan. Bougie. Half bougie, half budget. Yeah. Yeah. You liked that, didn't you? I did. I wonder if he's got something for this lady. Well, live your life, babe. It's not as catchy, is it? No, and with a full stop after each work. You were going to get a T-shirt printed with Morgan's slogan on. I never did that. I never did that, no. Live your life, babe. Don't let the haters dictate. You have things to do and you are satisfied. If you are bored, that's different. Don't go back to work unless it's going to be something you'll actually enjoy and that is flexible.
27:26Maria McErlane:He's got more to say. Work has already snapped up enough of your time. We live in a productivity culture. It's fake. Your worth is not tied to productivity. Relax. Everyone is jealous, even if they pretend to be joking. Viva la retari. Oh, I might pop that in a T-shirt. Viva la retari. You know who needs a job? Morgan. Morgan can design a lot of T-shirts. Maybe they could go into business together. A small business with Morgan. designing T-shirts, half bougie, half budget. And when he shows up for work, you go, Gooden Morgan.
28:06Very good. And then you're laughing till coffee time. The day will fly by.
28:11Maria McErlane:Very good. Ten points for you, for Gooden Morgan. Zara says, are you actually happy being retired? It doesn't sound like you are. You see, that's what I was hearing as well. If you're content, then your friend's jokes wouldn't bother you so much. quite. I suggest you do something part-time to soothe your own guilt. No guilt, really, here, Zara, but don't blame it on anyone else. Good for you, Zara. OK, thanks for that, Zara. Susan says, although I didn't retire as early as you have, I had the same feeling of weird guilt when I did. I think it's quite common, but it doesn't last long. Now I've got so much on my plate, I wonder how I ever had time for a job.
28:52Maria McErlane:Oh, Susan. Lazy Susan Lazy Susan The plate's coming round You're on fire today, Norton Just throw yourself into retired life and any reservations will soon fade And finally, Neil says If your friends think it's so silly for you to be retired offer to babysit or to accept their deliveries when they're out at work They'll soon realise having a friend like you with time on their hands is of benefit to them Are you mad, Neil? The thing is, I think a lot of the wangers, they're younger, and they're thinking they will never have a pension or be able to retire. That's true. That is true, though. No, it is true.
29:35So I think they're really struggling to understand why this woman is finding this a problem, that she's managed to do the impossible and retire. They do say, though, about a lot of men,
29:48Maria McErlane:I mean, I know you're anonymous as a woman, but a lot of men, they kind of look forward to retirement and they get a carriage clock when they've finished at the bank or whatever and then they sit at home and then they get under the wife's feet and she gets on, you know, they get on her nerves and they don't have anything to do and the golfing club has banned them since that incident and then they die. I mean, people die because they kind of have nothing in their lives. So we have to remember that. I just wanted to put a sort of downer on things. No, but I think let me just build it all up again.
30:19This woman has hobbies and we say just enjoy your retirement or what's that other phrase? Viva la retiree. Viva la retiree. If you have a dilemma, you'd like myself and Maria to poke with a stick, then do email it in. Wanging on at listen.co.uk. Send them in, go on. And that is how someone got in touch with the final segment of the show, Am I Weird? Who have you got, Maria?
30:46Maria McErlane:Yeah, today's has come courtesy of Tim. Oh, yes. Tim's Am I Weird is this. I'm looking forward to this. Yeah, good. Dear Graham and Maria, am I weird that I have a real-life burn book from secondary school that I keep updated? Do you know what that is? I do kind of. Keep going. It's just an old scrapbook, and when somebody really grinds my gears, I scribble it down. It's immensely satisfying, but it's now nearly 20 years old. I mean, so Burn Book is from Mean Girls. Ah. Okay. And here's the odd thing. I have seen both Mean Girl movies. Yeah. I've seen Mean Girls the musical, and I still don't really know what the Burn Book is.
31:31I know it's very central to the plot, and I think it's basically... You normally fall asleep, though, don't you, Graham? Just that. I've been to it with you many times. It gets dark. It's warm. It's warm.
31:41Maria McErlane:A lot of vodka. And, oh, look, Vinterful Time. More vodka, please. You have a vodka on a drip in the theatre. Yeah, IV. IV VOD. I just think, so it's basically, I think, it's kind of all the scandal, all the secrets about people. Right. That, you know, oh, she let somebody go all the way or he stole something, you know, they cheated in an exam. It's all that sort of stuff. Yeah. So it's info on people. Yeah. But that does sound sort of like school. I mean, it's 20 years since you left school. And yeah, probably that book is a bit out of date now, but you can still keep it. So presumably then you say, oh, man at work does, you know, stole a paperclip.
32:26Like Tim, and this does happen in the film, what happens if somebody finds this book? Like you don't, I think what you've done, you've set yourself up for a disaster because... Is it a disaster? Yes, because someone's going to, at some point, even when Tim dies, people are at the funeral all being a bit sad and then somebody finds this burn book and go, well, we're glad he's dead.
32:48Maria McErlane:Well, don't say too many scurrilous things in there or kind of, you know, actionable things. It's a bit like keeping a diary. Eventually, there's a part of you that wants people to read it. Well, yeah, you either write a diary to be read or to be found after you're dead. Either way, you want it published, I always feel. Well, you certainly want someone to see it. Yeah. You know, I think, so, just be very, very careful, Tim, I would say. That's not the question he asked, though. Should I be careful? it's am I weird I think you are a bit weird I think it is a childish thing to be doing and you are no child Tim but it is he's over 20 this is 20 years old and I'm thinking is there nothing else going on in your life Tim that is more interesting I mean I get it people annoy you at work and you come home and you get your pen and you go Ursula What about making little wax effigies of them and taking bits of their hair?
33:46Maria McErlane:That's a lovely idea. That's a better thing. And sometimes it works as well if you have the right incantation. And then in about 60 years, one of your relatives can bring it to the Antiques Roadshow. Yeah, and be told it's worth nothing. It's a lovely thing to keep, but I'm afraid there's no value in it. I mean, because Tim never achieved anything in his life, did he? Yeah, your Uncle Tim wasted his whole life doing this. It was a great hobby to have. I think burn the burn book, Tim. Yeah, I think, you know, stop making little sculptures. No! No, just something else to do rather than the burn book.
34:22Maria McErlane:You know, maybe they might turn out well. Burn the burn book, I'm saying weird. I'm saying weird. Now, I'm getting a bit harsher on this weird thing. Well, but also they're getting a bit weirder, I feel. It is weird that you're 20 years old and you're still doing this. Yeah, just keep it in your head. Keep a tally in your head All the people you've got to kill Sadly I've got some sad news Oh my goodness Does that mean we've finished this episode? We're at the end of this episode Many thanks to all the wangers who gave advice And thank you for the people who wrote in with their problems Yes, thank you very much for all your messages And remember to look at our Instagram At wangingon If you need any information for getting proper help Because after all We're not experts True that, but we will be back next week Wanging On with Graham and Maria is a Listen production.
35:09Also true. Goodbye.
35:10Maria McErlane:Bye.
From the publisher
How do you get your partner to stop kissing with excessively wet and flappy tongue action? You ask Graham and Maria for advice, that's how.
Also this week: Maria introduces Graham to acupuncture, should a retiree go back to work, and what on Earth is a Burn Book? It's all waiting in your weekly edition of Wanging On!
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Disclaimer: Graham and Maria are not qualified professionals and do not offer professional advice. The topics discussed on this podcast are based on personal experiences and opinions, and should not be taken as expert advice. If any of the issues raised affect you, please seek support from appropriate professional services such as your GP, NHS services, or relevant charities and helplines, including these: https://platformmedia.uk/helplines/
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