Too Much Cake and Not Enough Sex

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1:34Maria McErlane:Or is it my ex-girlfriend? I don't know!

1:41Hello to you and welcome to your one-stop shop for average advice and so-so solutions. It is wanging on with me, Graham, and Maria. Happy New Year, Maria.

1:52Maria McErlane:Hey, Happy New Year. Should we try and make it less average this year or stick with the programme? Let's stick with average. Stick with it. I feel we're going to go average or poor. Well, we know where we are and so do the listeners, right? Exactly. They know what to expect. Maria. Yes? I read a statistic. Get out of here. I did.

2:1423%. Yeah. 23 % of people quit their New Year's resolutions in the first week. Now, I don't know about you, I'm surprised it's so low. I thought it would be like 85 % of people.

2:27Maria McErlane:I know, but we're rattled old things that have been doing it for so long. Have you ever bothered doing New Year's resolutions? I think I did when I was younger. You know, don't eat so much chocolate. Cut to, you know, 2nd of January. You found that selection box. Taken to hospital in a sugar coma. I shouldn't have eaten it all at once. No, I don't really do resolutions anymore because of the 23%, and I think it should be higher. But I do quite like to think, okay, the new year, let's try and stay healthy. Go to the gym. Oh, the gym in January is just the most depressing place, isn't it? Where you just see all these people, well, briefly.

3:09Maria McErlane:And then you never see them again. Yes, in some very new Lululemon. Most of them are crying on the bike. Or looking at the bike. Which way do I hold on to? But it is when most of the gyms make their money. Oh, yes. Because everybody joins in January. I mean, that is the way it is. And then they never come back. That direct debit that you don't even notice. Yeah. Must go to the gym again. Oh, there's another payment gone out. Yeah. I remember one year I decided I was going to swim every day. Where? Where were you swimming? In a swimming pool. Okay. I was looking at a restaurant. I like the notion of you swimming in the bath.

3:46Yeah. I'm going to swim every day. It's not so hard to do 100 lengths. I don't know what people talk about. And I thought, I'll do this to get fit. Yeah. But after a few weeks, I noticed the other people who swam every day. And I thought, this isn't a great form of fitness. So I stopped.

4:03Maria McErlane:Oh, were they all a little bit chonkier? Well, they weren't my ideal body. No. It's not particularly... I didn't see, I'm swimming towards that. It's more meditative, I think. It's not particularly fat burning, as I like to say. But cold water, what's the cold water thing? I do that, yeah. But even a cold shower, is it supposed to burn brown fat or something? Or blue fat or something? No, I think what it does is it kind of quakes your metabolism up and gets all the endorphins going. Certainly when I, you know, cold water swim. And in January, that's not so much fun. Oh, you don't do it now, do you?

4:37Maria McErlane:Yeah, yeah. But normally just sort of like dip and dash, as I call it. So you get the effects, you get the endorphin rush and your skin goes pink very quickly, but you don't have to stay in there too long because it's unpleasant. And is it other people? Do you have to talk to them? Sometimes I rescue some people. If you're feeling good. Otherwise you're going, well, their decision. They haven't anticipated how hard it is going to be and how much of a shock to the system. Little tip for those people that are just starting, cold water swimming, when you go in, it's very cold and you put a little bit on your hand and touch your heart.

5:14Maria McErlane:Okay. So you get kind of a little bit used to it. So your heart goes, well, I know what's coming. Yeah, your heart goes, that was going to be a shock, but now it's not so much of a shock. Okay, yeah. And what about the sewerage? Is that less of an issue in the winter? No, people still poo and flush. Yes, and I feel the water levels higher. Yeah, especially after Christmas, so much poo. Oh, they've decorated themselves. They've got some brown bunting on. You just have to keep an eye on the website. Sewers for surfage. Sewers for surfage. No, surfers for sewage. What, are they in Keene? It sounds like they're surfing for sewage.

5:58I'll stay on this board till a floater comes by. Till I've collected enough.

6:03Maria McErlane:Yeah, you just have to check the websites for how much of a sort of spill has been in your area. Okay. It's outrageous, isn't it? We were talking about New Year's resolutions, but we've just got to stop, haven't we? Yeah. Yeah. My New Year's resolution is to never talk about them again. My New Year's resolution is to try and get up every day. Okay. That's quite a hard one. You nearly broke it already. Maria, we must delay no further. Dilemmas ahoy. Zootopia 2 has come home to Disney+. Let's go. Get ready for a new case. We're the greatest partners of all time. New friends. Gary the Snake. And your last name?

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8:03Maria, it's dilemma time.

8:05Maria McErlane:Okay. Let's hope it's an interesting one, Grail. I know, really. I mean, you never can tell. I'm sorry, I'm joking. Dear Grail and Maria, I have recently started a new job. Oh. My colleagues... My colleagues are lovely. Okay. But they bring cakes and biscuits to meetings. there are treats in every meeting room and even magnets on fridges that say things like, you're harder to kidnap if you're heavier, so eat chocolate. I like a treat, but my metabolism is not what it was and I can't be eating them at work. I like saving my treat time for chocolate in the evenings and pastries on the weekend with loved ones.

8:49Maria McErlane:A lot of my colleagues bake the treats themselves. Where are you working? And I feel rude refusing, but I don't want to gain weight. I have said no up until now. I've been there a month or so, but they're still pressuring me. What would you advise? There is fruit in the office, but not many people eat it. I have been tucking into the apples and pears, etc. And that is from Lola. And that is what I would really classify as a first world problem. Too much food. I mean, I do get it, Lola, but I'm wondering when do you ever do any work in this place? But also, I like to see she's tapped into New Year's resolutions because trying not to eat cake.

9:31Yes. And her metabolism slowed down, so she should get cold water swimming. Yes, exactly. Fuck it up.

9:36Maria McErlane:Yeah. I think what you do, Lola, because it is that feeling, feeling pressured, and people, it's a bit like saying no to an alcoholic drink. And people go, go on, have one. What do you mean? Some people do, Graeme. Just have a little cake. it won't hurt you and all that. I think it's a white lie, Graham, but I think you might have to bring in a medical issue here, Lola. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah. Yes. Be nonspecific because you don't want to get into too much detail, but just say, no, I'm on medication or something kind of opaque. Oh, you could wear a label around your neck saying, in case of emergency, phone this number.

10:14And just go, no, no, it's nothing. It's just something my doctor told me I should wear.

10:18Maria McErlane:Wear a lanyard that says, please do not feed me. But the other thing you could do, Lella, if you don't want to tell a white lie, is say, I'm going to save this till later. And then you take whatever the homemade pastry of horror is and put it in the bin or put it in your bag for later and you'll find it, you know, six... Oh, and she could have it then with loved ones of the weekend. With loved ones. You could maybe share it with loved ones. I mean, it is a weird office dynamic. I blame Bake Off. I think people did not bake as much before Bake Off. And now they have those, you know, days in the office where everyone brings in something or it's somebody's turn to bring in something.

10:58Yes. And, you know, there's perfectly nice things in shops. Something bought in a shop will always taste nicer. Yeah. It'll have more sugar and more chemicals in it.

11:08Maria McErlane:Unless you've added so much cream. But it is a bit like, you know, frock up Fridays. People wear special outfits on Fridays and things and they bring in. I don't think they go anymore on a Friday. They don't go. No one's in the office on a Friday. Oh, my God. So I wonder why it was so empty when I went here. None of my colleagues there, and I don't even know what they do for a living. Apart from bake. Yes, I feel like a boss should get involved here and just go, like, calm it down. Yeah. I think, Lola, you're doing a good job of trying to, you know, join in. You've been there a month, etc. But this has to stop because it's not good for anybody.

11:44Yes, I think it's easy to just go, oh, that looks delicious, but I can't because I don't want to look like you.

11:52Maria McErlane:That is a great thing to say, Lola. And you will make so many friends with that kind of attitude. I get it because if you make something, you do want everyone to try it in order that they validate you by going, oh, it's delicious. No, it's so moist. It hasn't got a soggy bottom at all. So by saying I'll have this later, somehow that's denying them that validation. So that's why I think saying something medical. But isn't it, yes, what a strange office to be in where this has become some sort of office obsession and Lola has stumbled into it. I feel that it can't sustain because you've gone into it eyes wide open.

12:31Actually, I can't eat this all every day because it will not end well for my body. The others are going to figure that out pretty soon. and I think, hang on in there, Lola, another couple of months, everyone else will be going, oh, actually, yeah, we must stop eating this much cake.

12:46Maria McErlane:Yeah, I think the other thing you can do is tamper with the lift and so you can record a message so that when the lift doors close, you say, no, we cannot take the weight anymore. What are you doing to us? Get out, fatty. I have this image of lots of sort of Beryl Cook characters just rolling around the office going, More cake. Yeah, or some new fridge magnets. I'm sure you can get fridge magnets and say other things. I hate that fridge magnet. Shall we see what people have said? The wangers, do you mean? Yes, the wangers. They are my favourites. All right, if you've got the things. Here we go.

13:24Maria McErlane:Kay says, this isn't a problem. This is a question of fractions. Size down, love. It's a little bit. What do you mean? Just like slice it very small? A sliver. A sliver. A whapper, thin sliver. Neve in County Clare says, see, I said Neve right, even though it's spelled like this. I'm so impressed. Neve in County Clare says, oh my God, can I get a job here? Your colleagues sound lovely and they seem like they're really trying to welcome you into the fold. Folds of fat.

14:00Maria McErlane:I completely understand that your metabolism isn't what it used to be. I feel your pain. But would it be the end of the world to treat yourself every wee while? She's Irish. Yeah. Would you be able to work in an extra walk for well-being in the evenings or weekends to combat the treats? Then you can treat yourself to a wee, stop saying a wee bite, a wee bite of the goodies without it having too much of an impact. No, Niamh. And also she's having her treats with loved ones at the weekends. Yes. What are the loved ones going to do without her there at the weekend? Yeah. There's a voice. There's a voice note from Patricia.

14:33Maria McErlane:What? Yes, yes. Patrice? You just have to bring your own balls of delights at work. Nowadays, you can do some very healthy snacks with oats, dates, fruits and stuff, and even dark chocolate. And then everybody will have snacks that are healthy. Do you think Patrice is making something with the eye of Newt? There's something of the serial killer about Patrice. Yeah. Oh, lovely snacks. Yes. that you take in yourself. Yeah. Oh, eat the cake and now there's so much more skin. Laced with poison. Vanessa says, this happens to me at work too and I'm in the same position that sadly I can't just eat whatever I want anymore.

15:17Maria McErlane:I am just honest and say yes please to the lovely treat but then say I'm saving it to take home with me to have after my dinner. The bonus is sometimes I'm given extras to give to my partners as well, loved ones. And sometimes I just keep the extras for myself. Often I'm too busy to sit down and have a proper lunch, so you can use this as an excuse too. You want to enjoy the treat when you have time to appreciate it. I don't really know what Vanessa said there, but she took a long time to say it. Yes, I sort of zoned out about when she said save it for later. I thought, I'll listen back to this.

15:51Later? Yeah. With loved ones? Yes, I will. Lola, thank you so much for your dilemma. Lola sent her message to wangingon at listen.co.uk And you can too. Just drop us a note and Maria, the Wangers and I will do our level best to give you some advice or solutions. I think we've done it today, haven't we? We really have. We're doing very well. More of that sort of thing next. How many discounts does USA Auto Insurance offer? Too many to say here. Multi-vehicle discount, safe driver discount, new vehicle discount, storage discount, How many discounts will you stack up? Tap the banner or visit usaa.com slash auto discounts.

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17:37Maria McErlane:That's made me quite hungry, that last problem, Graham. Mate, I feel full after it. I was wondering if you brought me any treats today. No, I have not. Dear Graham and Maria, I desperately need your help. Oh, great. My boyfriend and I have lived together for four years now, and periodically we'll completely stop having sex. Our longest stretch ever has been three months, and breaks like these can happen several times a year, usually ranging from a few weeks to a month or two. I thought I'd got used to this, but it's currently been five weeks since the last time we were intimate, and frankly it's driving me up the wall.

18:14Maria McErlane:It's not like we're too busy or anything either. We're both in our 20s and are currently studying. We've had talks about initiating and how to solve this before, but somehow we always end up in the same situation. I'm now incredibly sexually frustrated and find myself irritably giving him the cold shoulder as I don't feel connected to him. It feels so demeaning to have to ask for sex constantly and I just feel so pathetic every time. I'm starting to fear that our libidos are just too incompatible, but I love him so much and I don't want to break up. Please help. At this point, I'll do anything.

18:52Maria McErlane:And that's from Anonymous. Oh, Anonymous. I think there are a lot of people around the country going, yep, that's me. That is me too. I think that kind of disparity of libidos and who's hornier all the time can really be difficult. But I think the clue here, Anonymous, is that you say, I don't feel connected to him. I think intimacy has to have the connection beforehand. and it's so easy to just let that slip. You're busy, you take people for granted, you say hi, bye, and there's never any time to kind of merge. But also, I wonder, what is the sex like, Anonymous, when you do have it? You know, does he seem like he's into it when it is happening?

19:38Or is he always doing you a favour? Is it always a chore? You know, I feel for her, because is it a her? We don't know. I think we do. Do we know it's a woman? It sounds like a her. It sounds like a her. What do I know? But whoever you are, I feel like you just, you do, you'd feel awful. You know, kind of going, oh, can we have sex? And, you know, just... For anyone, I think. It would rob the fun of it because it's supposed to be passionate. It's supposed to be full of kind of lust and kind of, oh, I'd love to do this.